Rarity unrolled the letter with a bit of surprise, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. It wasn't often that she received letters from Twilight, and if it was important enough for her to convince Spike to send it in the middle of the night, it must have been important.

Clambering with a yawn out of bed, Rarity shook her bedhead mane from her eyes as she picked up the hastily rolled scroll. Twilight must have had a good reason for waking her up in the middle of the night.
At least, she first thought so. However, as Rarity read the letter that had been magically carried by a whisk of green flame through her bedroom window, her mouth slowly drooped open wider and wider.

For almost an entire minute, Rarity simply stared at the letter in shock and horror, her heartbeat pounding in her throat. A final thorough read of the letter revealed that, unfortunately, she had not misread it.

Dearest Rarity,
Go fuck yourself.

Seriously, you stupid bitch. I, along with everypony else in this plot-backwards hick town, are all sick of your shit.
I cannot stand being around you. You are always just SO fucking prissy, and quite frankly, it’s just a little pathetic. We are all sick of listening to you whine and moan about how you’re always victimized, and that is some straight up minotaur shit. You get cheap, oftentimes FREE labor; hell, sometimes from my own fucking assistant.

Just so you know, it’s not that Spike helps you because you’re smart enough to be successfully manipulative, even though you’re manipulative enough as it is. He just has this raging dragon boner for your flank. We (as in Spike and I, not you, you lazy fucking bitch) can both agree that you are an enormous cock tease.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t mean that. Don’t… don’t write that, Spike.
Start with… dearest Rarity. You try to be a really good friend, even though you are absolutely shit at it.

Goddammit, don’t write that either, Spike.
Dearest Rarity,
I’m getting wet just thinking about you. You make my horn hard.
Seriously, I cannot stand to be around you for longer than five minutes, but oh my Celestia do I want to fuck you.

Every time I think about you, I just want to tackle you to the floor make you squeal while I spank your pearly white flank. You would moan in pleasure while I wrapped my tongue around your horn, and then we’d rut on the rug in front of the fireplace like a couple of wild animals.

Shit, Spike? Don’t write that, start over. Yes, again.

Dearest Rarity,
You are so goddamned annoying.
And I thought the ‘pink menace’ was hard to be around. I literally cannot stand to be around you, because you just never stop bitching, you fucking drama queen. Anypony that can fucking gripe and whinge all the time is just disgusting, and you make even more money than I do.

And I’m the motherfucking student of the PRINCESS.

All you ever do is strut around like you are fucking royalty, and believe me; I KNOW royalty. You are definitely not it. Always prancing around like you’re lighter than air, watching those porcelain hips sashaying back and forth like a perfectly sculpted albino peach. God, now I want to rail you again.
Shit. Spike, don’t write that.

Oh, Tartarus. I am so pissed off right now.
Let’s try, ‘Dearest Rarity,’

All you ever do is waste your fucking time. You are scamming absolutely everypony in the community, and they’re all fucking gullible enough to buy shit they don’t even need. Seriously, do you know how many fucking ponies wear clothes? Not a lot, bitch. Not. A. Lot.
You can’t even claim that anypony would need clothes for winter, because that shit lasts, like, what – one motherfucking day?

You’re frivolous, you are way too stuck up, and you think you’re better than Celestia. I cannot stand you, you arrogant, sniveling obsessive compulsive bitch. God, you make me so angry that I just want to punch your ugly fucking sister in the face.
Don’t give me that look, Spike. We know who does Sweetie Belle’s hair, and she looks like a fucking tramp.

I cannot believe that you would demolish your own sister’s mane like that; probably to make yourself look better in comparison, you jealous cunt wipe. Is that your plan? Is it? Make yourself look better in comparison to everypony else?
That is a putrid thing to do, waving around your perfect, sparkling violet mane. Making ponies horny as fuck when you get it wet, and then tottering about on those dainty little hooficured hooves of yours. That absolutely perfectionist way you walk, with your gorgeous tail tucked teasingly between your plot so temptingly calling out to me to swat your flank that it makes me drool.

The way I could make your slutty sparkling mane go frizzy when I plow into you from behind, taking you right on top of my writing desk. I would make you slaver and drip with as much desire as I burn with, making you beg for it before rutting you so hard you would think my mother was a jackhammer. I would bend you over in my hooves as I gripped your horn, and make you feel what it's like to REALLY be made into a little bitch. I forgot what I was angry about.

Shit, Spike? Don’t write that.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Wow, this shit is STRONG. This is the last time I get anything from Granny Smith.
That reminds me, Spike? Get another letter ready.

-Note From Spike-
Oh, cripes. Rarity, I am so, so sorry about this. Twilight’s a little pushy when she’s drunk, and WOW is she wasted.
Anyways, I think she wants me to send letters to just about everypony else, so it’s probably only going to get worse from here on out. If you guys would send somepony over that can… I don’t know, pump her stomach, maybe? That moonshine really hit her hard.

Rarity dropped the letter on the floor and fainted rather dramatically on the spot.