Hello Pot, this is Kettle. I’m black.

by TheWraithWriter

Chapter 1: Hello Pot, this is Kettle. I’m black.

Hello Pot, this is Kettle. I’m black.

Celestia breathed deeply, inhaling the cool night air. The solar goddess always preferred cooler weather, as she was often quite warm. But not cold weather, as she was also quite sensitive to the cold. So, a late summer’s evening was the one time when nothing could possible spoil her good mood.

Well, almost nothing.

The soft whisper of wings reached her ears, barely discernable from the soft rustling of the curtains of her bedchamber. There also came the soft, but noticeable click of armored hooves of marble.

“So, you have returned.” Celestia said, not bothering to turn around.

“Yes.” Nightmare-Moon said simply.

“I’m curious, where have you been all this time?”

“The Everfree. I have been regaining my strength for months.”

“And now you’re back.”


A long silence followed, the only sound was the slight rustling of the curtains.

“I want to see her.” Nightmare said.

Celestia turned her head to look at the dark alicorn.

“No.” she said simply.

The Dark One sputtered for a moment. “‘No’?”

“I am not going to allow you a chance to do her any more harm.”

“I just want to talk to her!”

“That’s all you need to do.”

Nightmare growled and stamped her hoof. “That’s not a fair assumption!”

“What isn’t fair is what you’ve done to her. She’s adjusting now. She’s smiling again. She’s happy. She’s more than alright without you making things worse for her.”

Nightmare snorted. “I’ll make things worse for her? I’m sorry, but who was it that banished her to the Moon, her own celestial body, for a thousand years?”

Celestia’s nostrils flared as she turned to face her sister’s dark reflection. “And who forced me to put her there in the first place?”

“Touché, but was a thousand years really necessary?” Nightmare sneered. “I mean, a hundred would have been more than sufficient. Or two hundred. Perhaps even three hundred. But no,” here she drug out the word “you had to go and make it a whole thousand years.”

Celestia’s eye twitched. “I had to use the Elements of Harmony, it’s not like they have different settings!”

“And it’s not like you couldn’t have visited.”

Celestia groaned. “You wanted to bring about eternal night!”

“No, Luna wanted to bring about eternal night, I was just along for the ride.”

Celestia scowled. “Well, you still aren’t allowed to see her.”

“Fine, I’ll just stay here and chat with you.”

Celestia brought a hoof to her face. “Then I’m going to need a bucking drink.”


Nightmare whistled lowly. “I never knew you were such an alcoholic.”

Celestia scowled again, which was rapidly becoming her default facial expression, and rolled out another cask of Berry Punch Punch.

“I am not an alcoholic; it just takes a whole lot more to intoxicate me.”

“So you’re an enthusiast.”

Celestia looked at her unwanted guest. “Remind me again which one of us here is A: A literal ponyfication of darkness and B: Prone to fits of insane laughter.”

Nightmare smiled smugly. “Well hello there Pot. This is Kettle. I’m black.”

Celestia groaned and popped open the seal on one of the casks. Rather than bother with a cup, the goddess of the sun opted to simply drink straight form the cask.

Nightmare could only stare in shock as a mare she had always thought of as far too prissy guzzled down a few gallons of hard core alcohol like it was her cutie mark.

The cask dropped to the floor with a crunch. There was silence for a moment, which was shattered by the sound of the most uncouth, unrefined, and most certainly un princess-like belch Nightmare had ever heard. The faint tinkle of broken glass falling to the floor could be heard in the background.

Celestia cheeks bore the slightest tinge of pink as she brought a hoof to her mouth.

“Excuse.” she said daintily, as if she hadn’t just broken a window.

“Well damn.” Nightmare said quietly. “Maybe I was wrong about you.”

“I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or an insult.”

Nightmare smiled. “Well, I always thought you were a stuck up bitch, so there’s that.”

Celestia scowled again.

“But,” Nightmare drew out the word again. “I am glad to see you have at least one vice. Still, I’m not overly impressed.”

“Oh, and you can do better?”

“Of course.”

Celestia arched an eyebrow and pushed an unopened cask towards the dark alicorn.

“Prove it.”

Nightmare simply smiled knowingly and popped open the cask. She lifted it up and began rapidly drinking down the contents. In no less time than it had taken Celestia, Nightmare had swallowed every last drop of alcohol. She then gently placed the cask back on the ground, an obvious slight at the sun goddess.

She then even had the gall to burp quietly.

“Excuse me.”

“Hardy har har.” Celestia rolled her eyes. “Although, I am curious as to where you learned to do that.”

“Remember when Luna took that vacation little over a thousand years ago? Well, I was with her then and might I say she partied hard. I never really forgot that.”

There was a long silence as the two just looked at each other. Nightmare shattered it with all the subtly of a marching band conducting a bombing raid whilst playing covers of the Beatles.

“You want to make out?”


“Just checking if you’re drunk yet.” Nightmare grinned.

“Filly please, I couldn’t get drunk off of one cask of Berry Punch Punch.”

“Well, neither could I.”

Celestia smiled devilishly. “Oh really?”

Nightmare smelled a challenge. “Are you implying something?”

“Oh, of course not.” Celestia turned up her nose. “Lightweight.” she added.

“That’s it, you’re on.” Nightmare grabbed a cask while Celestia did the same.

“Are you really sure you want to play this game?” Celestia asked.

“Why, afraid to lose.”

“I could have drunken you under a table a thousand years ago.”

“I don’t see you drinking now.”

The two alicorn mares glared at each other before simultaneously lifting the casks to their mouths.


“But you see where I’m coming from, right?” Nightmare asked, gesturing with the bottle clutched in her hoof.

Celestia nodded. “I understand perfectly.”

“I tell her, ‘Well maybe we should let the sun up sometimes.’ You know, keep the ponies alive? And she says back, ‘WE DEMAND SACRIFICE!’” Nightmare threw her hooves in the air. “I mean, what the hay am I supposed to do with that?”

“I get it, I get it.” Celestia said sympathetically, breaking open a new bottle and handing it to Nightmare.

“Thank you.” she said, taking a swig. She sighed and glanced out the window at the moon. “You have no idea what it was like, living in your sister’s head.”

“Oh, it really can’t have been that bad.”

Nightmare shot her a look. “Listen, I know you love her and what not, but you only know what she lets you know. I on the other hoof, know every little thing that flits through her mind.” she shuddered and took another swig. “The things she imagines doing with cheese.”

Now that piqued Celestia’s interest.


“And is it really incest if it’s yourself?” Nightmare-Moon said, horribly slurring her words. One can only imagine how butchered ‘incest’ must have been.

“I don’t think shhhho.” Celestia replied. “*Hic*”

“I know, but shhhe washh all like ‘But I don’t want to put a moon rock there’ and I was all like ‘Don’t act like you don’t like it.’ *Hic*” the second remembered sentence was spoken in a deep, rough, and accented voice. “Actsshhually, that may have been a dream.”

“Well, *Hic* you would know.”

“I would, wouldn’t I?”

Clumsily, Nightmare raised a bottle to her lips, only to note with disappointment that it was empty.

“Well, your turn.” Nightmare said, tossing the bottle aside. “Tell me shhomething.”

Celestia swayed unsteadily for a moment, but she quickly regained her balance. “Okay, let’shh shhee… back about three hundred years ago, I wash in the royal gardenshh and I shhee thishh mare…”


Tears streamed down Celestia’s face, matting her fur.

“And, and, and said to myself, ‘How could she? That’s so cruel. That’s not friendship.’”

A weeping Nightmare tearfully offered her a handkerchief. Celestia gratefully accepted it and noisily blew her nose. She offered the now slimy cloth back to the dark alicorn, but she declined it. A sad violin played in the background.

“That’s… that’s just awful.” Nightmare sniffed, rubbing her eyes with a hoof. “What did you do?”

Celestia did not answer right away, she took a moment to wipe away her tears and take a swig from a large bottle.

“W-well, I did the only thing I could do. I wrote to Twilight that she should hurry up and finish writing so I could know what happens.”

Nightmare nodded. “It makes sense.” she paused. “So… what happened?”

Celestia had finally managed to get her tear ducts under control when the water works started up again. “I don’t know!” she wailed, flopping back onto a mountain of pillows. “Twilight hasn’t finished writing it yet. Some stupid shit about saving Ponyville.”

Nightmare cracked under that. “What? How could she?!”

The two alicorns began weeping like no tomorrow.


Celestia stared at the moon through the space between the curtains.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Hm?” Nightmare asked drowsily,

Celestia turned her head to look at the dark alicorn, laying there on a mess of pillows, surrounded by empty bottles and broken casks.

“I guess I never really thought about how lonely it must have been, trapped there all that time.”

Nightmare shrugged and yawned. “Truth be told, it really wasn’t that long for us.”

Celestia tilted her head. “What do you mean?”

Nightmare yawned again and took a sip from one on the remaining bottles that still had liquid inside it. “Well, for us it really wasn’t a whole thousand years. Most of it was spent asleep.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Asleep?”

Nightmare nodded. “Yep, we could curl up and sleep for a while. So really, it was more like a hundred and forty two years.”

“A hundred and forty two years?”


“And yet I still get all this shit for it being a thousand years?”

“Well, to be fair, you do tend to do things for a thousand years.”

“I do not!” Celestia said defensively.

“Me, Discord, Sombra…” Nightmare said, ticking off feathers on her wing. She smiled. “You have to admit you tend to do it a lot.”

Celestia huffed. “Well, maybe next time I’ll make it just a hundred years then.” she closed her eyes and turned away, her nose in the air.

Nightmare just kept on smiling. “Now there’s an idea. Keep it simple.” she took another drink from the bottle.

Celestia cracked open a magenta eye. “You’re going to kill yourself doing that.” she said like a scolding adult.

Nightmare rolled her eyes. “Who are you, my mother?”

“Not that I’m aware of, but if I were I’d tell you that drinking half my royal booze stash is pushing it even for a goddess.”

“Says the mare that drank the other half.”

Celestia snorted. “It was my booze; I’m allowed to do what I want with it.”

Nightmare sighed and slurped the last few drops from the bottle before tossing it aside. “You know, I think I may be in love with you.”

Celestia’s eyes shot open. “Want to run that by me again?” she said, staring at the black alicorn.

Nightmare sighed. “Why else would I stay here this long? Your booze stash? Did you know I have a cult? They are all over the place and would get me anything I want whenever I asked for it. Hoof-rub? Done. Full body massage? Done. Their first born daughters? Done. A dozen jelly filled donuts with maple icing and little blue sprinkles?” Nightmare paused, ignoring Celestia’s dumbstruck look. “Okay, that one they actually hesitated on, but I still got them.”

Celestia forcibly closed her jaw. “You mean to tell me that you have a cult!?”

Nightmare blinked in surprise at the sudden outburst. “What? Oh, well…” she blushed. “It’s really more of a fan club, but that’s not the point. The point is that when you barred me from seeing Luna, I could have easily tried to force the point or just leave. Or even just not come see you in the first place.” the dark alicorn blushed. “You get the point.”

“So, you just came to see me?”

Nightmare nodded.

“Because you’re in love with me?”

Another nod.

Celestia suddenly smiled. “Well then, it’s settled.”

“…It is?”

“Yep, now you really are drunk and I’ve won our little contest.” Celestia beamed happily. “Might have taken all my stored up booze and a few rum cakes, but once more, I stand triumphant over my foe.” she grinned and added, “And I did it without banishing anypony for a thousand years.” she stamped her hoof and stuck her face an inch from Nightmare-Moon’s. “Suck it!”

Celestia’s head then darted forward and she pressed her lips to the dark alicorn’s. Nightmare’s eyes widened in surprise and she scrambled backwards onto her hooves, nearly tripping on several bottles.

There was then a long silence as the two stared at each other, the only sound being their panting breath. Suddenly, Nightmare spoke.

“And I’m the drunk one?”

The two then practically leapt at one another, moaning as they kissed fervently. As one they rose onto their hind legs, fore hooves and wings touching and caressing. One, it was hard to tell which, lost their balance and sent both falling to the side. Luckily, Celestia’s bed was there to catch them, and they landed in a tangle of legs, wings, manes, and tails.

They rolled around on the large bed for a moment before they stopped, Celestia looming over Nightmare.

Panting, Nightmare spoke. “Hey, do you think this counts as incest?”

“Does it matter?” Celestia asked, kissing Nightmare on the lips briefly before she began kissing her way down the alicorn’s neck and body.

“Not in the slightest.” Nightmare said quietly before a moan of passion came from her throat…


Are you bucking kidding me?!

“Luna, please…” Celestia whined, ears flattening against her skull. “Not so loud…” the sun goddess groaned and rubbed her forehead.

“I raise the sun for you because I’m nice and wanted to let you sleep in. and what do I find when I come to get you?” Luna pointed an accusing hoof at Nightmare. “Her!”

Nightmare covered her ears with her hooves. “Ow, sweet Faust Luna. Could you yell after I’ve taken something for this splitting headache?”

Luna looked from one alicorn to the other and then back again. “Why are you two in bed together?”

Nightmare blushed. “Well, uh, I was too drunk to, er, fly home. So your sister invited me to stay here. And she insisted I not sleep on the floor, so…” she gestured vaguely with her hoof.

“We made passionate love.” Celestia said without an once of shame.

Nightmare-Moon went from black-as-night to redder-than-a-rose in ten seconds flat.

“Tia!” she cried, embarrassed.

Luna’s mouth hung open.

“What? It wasn’t like she wasn’t going to find out eventually.” Celestia said defensively.

You bucked her?!” Luna shouted again.

“Luna, shut up!” Nightmare and Celestia shouted in unison, covering their ears.

Luna promptly did as she was ordered. After a moment, she opened her mouth to say something else.

“One more bucking word and I swear you’ll be spending season 4 on the moon.” Celestia threatened.

Luna’s mouth shut once more. And then a smile suddenly broke out on her face. She dashed from the room, although she could not help but shout her counter to Celestia’s threat.

“I’m telling Mom.” Luna called from down the hall.

Celestia’s eyes widened and she began scrambling to get out of bed. She managed to succeed but also fell on her face in the process. She quickly got to her hooves, intent on chasing down her sister, but a hoof on her shoulder stopped her.

Nightmare turned Celestia around and hugged her tightly. Leaning back a bit she gave the sun goddess a peck on the lips.

“Oh, let her go. She’ll be out of breath before she even gets halfway there. And so what if she tells? We finally have each other, and nothing can spoil that.”

Celestia smiled. “I guess you’re right…” a mischievous spark twinkled in her eye. “…But damn us all to the Moon for a thousand years if she’s going to tell Mother about us first.”

Returning Nightmare’s kiss, Celestia charged for the balcony and leapt off it, spreading her wings and flying off.

Nightmare-Moon giggled and sighed contently as she climbed back on the bed and settled down.

“Finally I can settle down and get fat.”

Author's Notes:

So, here is my entry for Nightmare Moon is the best pony: Contest numero uno.
I had fun writing this and hope you enjoy.

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