Legion of Gloom

by JohnPerry

First published 3rd of October, 2011

Banded together from the remote regions of Equestria, the Legion of Gloom seeks to harm the Mane 6!

Banded together from the remote regions of Equestria, the Legion of Gloom seeks to do grave harm to the Mane 6! How they will do this without killing each other first is beyond me.

The Legion Rises

Few ponies ever went anywhere near the Froggy Bottom Bog. There were enough terrifying monsters living in its muck to scare off even the boldest of travelers, and its location in the midst of the Everfree Forest did a remarkable job of isolating it from most of ponykind. As such, it was not the ideal place to construct any kind of building.

And yet, a building there was. Rising out of the mud was a domed, ominous structure overlooking the swamp it was sitting in the midst of. And within this building constructed by pony hooves was probably the strangest gathering Equestria ever saw…

“The Great and Powerful Trixie will now call this meeting to order!” a boastful voice rang through the large, dimly-lit hall. The sound came from a blue unicorn wearing a flashy cape and pointed hat who was sitting at the center of a long table with several other figures.

“Psht. Whatever,” an unimpressed-looking griffon rolled her eyes. She had her front legs crossed and was sitting at the end of the table to the right of the unicorn.

“Silence, half-breed!” Trixie screamed. “You should consider yourself thankful to be addressed by The Great and Powerful Trixie!”

“HALF-BREED?!” the griffon shouted back, standing up on her hind legs. “When I’m through with you, you’ll be lucky if there’s half of you left!”

Three bulky figures who had been sitting between the unicorn and the griffon now stood up. “This not time for fight,” the biggest one grunted.

“Yes!” the smallest one squeaked. “Bigger problem to worry about!”

The griffon glared at the unicorn for a moment, but then sighed and sat down. “These dweebs might have a point. I’ve got a bigger fish to fry.”

“Then The Great and Powerful Trixie will begin this first meeting of the Legion of Gloom!” the unicorn announced, standing up. “Using my amazing feats of magic, I have located all of those who have been wronged by the inferior Twilight Sparkle and her companions! You have been brought here so that we may enact our glorious revenge!”
Trixie sat down. “In order to better understand our fellow comrades, The Great and Powerful Trixie will ask all of you to introduce yourself and explain why you have joined this most amazing of organizations! We’ll start with you, creature,” she added, gesturing at the griffon.

“You’d better watch it…” the griffon growled, then ran a claw over her head to make her feathers more impressive. “Name’s Gilda. I was an old friend of Rainbow Dash’s, until she started hanging out with that group of dweebs. Especially that lame-o Pinkie. Ooh, when I get my claws on that little pink rat…” she emphasized the point by digging her claws into the table, making a horrible screeching noise.

“STOP THE NOISES!!!” the bulky creatures had their claws over their ears, flinching at the sound Gilda was making. “It’s as bad as the pony!”

“What is your story then, foul-smelling beasts?” Trixie said to the three creatures.

“We are Diamond Dogs!” one of them spoke up. “We wanted the pony to find us precious diamonds, but then the noises she made! It was horrible! And after all we did for the pony, in the end we got no precious diamonds!”

Trixie turned to the figure on her left. “And what about you, four eyes?”

The very finely dressed pony Trixie was addressing gave a short huff. “I vill be addressed by my proper name: PHOTO FINISH!” She emphasized her name by speaking it extra quickly while making a dramatic pose. “I, Photo Finish, am ze finest fashion photographer in all of Eqvestria! I just point and capture…ze magics!” she added, emphasizing the last two words while holding her hoof in the air. “I vas the one who discovered ze Flootershy! Ah, her grace! Her innocence! I vould have made millions with her working for me! But Flootershy abandoned me to live out a life of…mediocrity!” she emphasized darkly.

“Well we are after that deespeecable Pinkie Pie!” a sack of flour sitting on the other side of Photo Finish slammed an appendage on the table.

“Yes! We sought to comfort her after her friends abandoned her, but she had the gall to turn her back on us!” a ball of lint sitting nearby said.

“And to think! Her hanging out with that bunch of lo-sers!” a stack of rocks shouted.

“Completely uncalled for…” a bucket of turnips muttered.

However, no one sitting at the table seemed to have heard the four objects. One of the Diamond Dogs gave a confused look at the group of inanimate objects at the end of the table.

“Um, why is there a bucket of turnips, a sack of flour, a bunch of rocks, and a ball of lint sitting over there?” he asked, pointing at the objects.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie…does not know,” Trixie admitted. “They were not here earlier…”

Trixie then stood up again. “Well, The Great and Powerful Trixie’s problems far outweigh your pathetic concerns! For you see, the inferior Twilight Sparkle had the gall to upstage a gifted magician such as myself! After dazzling the simple-minded village folk with the tale of how The Great and Powerful Trixie defeated an Ursa Major, that inferior Sparkle – obviously fueled by jealousy – sought to convince a couple of the simpletons in the village to release a monster and catch me off-guard, to make of a foal of me! I mean…to make a foal of The Great and Powerful Trixie!” Trixie said, catching her mistake.

“And let us not forget the one who made this meeting possible…” a voice from behind Trixie called out. The voice belonged to somepony sitting behind a chair, facing away from the group. “The one who put the money forward to build this secure location and safely transport you all here,” the chair spun around to reveal a white, handsome stallion with a flowing mane of hair.

Trixie looked at the stallion with a sinister smile. “Nopony could forget you, Prince Blueblood.”

The prince got up and trotted over to the table. “As for myself, I was attacked by that ferocious Rarity at the Grand Galloping Gala! That barbarian and her commoner friends sought to destroy the Gala and humiliate me in front of my adoring public!”

“Then let’s kick their flank already!” Gilda shouted, slamming a fist on to the table.

“It is not so simple…” Prince Blueblood muttered. “You see, Twilight Sparkle is none other than Princess Celestia’s prized student. Ms. Sparkle and her friends have close contact with both of the princesses, so we must exercise caution.”

“Then zis is hopeless!” Photo Finish cried. “How are ve to get to them ven zey are so well-connected?”

Suddenly, there was a loud booming noise echoing around the room. Everypony in the room tensed, trying to find the source of the sound. After a moment it came again, and they realized it was coming from one wall at the end of the hall. Trixie approached the wall slowly, reaching up to press a hoof-sized button on the wall. A section of the wall recessed and slid away, revealing the swamp outside.

“Special delivery!” a cheerful-looking gray pegasus with crossed eyes was hovering in front of Trixie, holding out a box for her to take.

“What the…What are you doing here?” Trixie demanded.

“I’m making a cameo!” the pegasus replied cheerfully.

“You’re…what? Wait, are you spying on us? Did you hear anything we said?” Trixie growled.

“Nope!” the pegasus said happily. “I definitely didn’t hear anypony making evil plans about enacting revenge! Heh, that’d be silly!”

“Oh…well…good then!” Trixie muttered. “But how did you find this place?”

“It was on the box, of course!” the pegasus said, pointing at the address label on the package. Sure enough, there it was:

Legion of Gloom

1 Ominous-looking Building

Froggy Bottom Bog, Everfree Forest

“Oh…” Trixie said, unsure what to make of this. She was surprised this cross-eyed commoner could even read at all.

“Sign here, please!” the pegasus said, holding out a clipboard with her mouth. Trixie levitated the quill out of its holder and scribbled ‘The Great and Powerful Trixie’ in curly letters on the sheet.

“Have a good day!” the pegasus called out, sailing off. Trixie huffed in response before closing the door behind her.

“Um, who ordered a package?” Trixie asked the rest of the group.

“That’s me!” Prince Blueblood cried. “This is the important component of the plan I told you of,” he informed Trixie, who now had a look of understanding on her face. The prince levitated the box with his magic and brought it back to the table. “You see, I had contact with the guards who visited Ponyville, who informed me that Ms. Sparkle has two companions who assist her in daily chores. One is a dragon who is far too narrow-minded to be of any help to us.”

The prince opened the box. “But the other…is with us here today.”

At his cue, a brown owl popped out of the box and hopped lightly onto the table, giving a small “Hoo” when he did so. Prince Blueblood backed away a few steps, muttering something about filthy commoner birds.

“Fillies and gentlecolts…and common beasts…” Trixie muttered. “This is Owlowiscious, Sparkle’s number-two assistant.”

“Hoo,” Owlowiscious said.

“Uh, you,” Trixie replied.

“Hoo.”

“Owlowiscious!” Trixie yelled. “Are you not Owlowiscious?”

“Hoo.”

“I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU, YOU STUPID BIRD!!!” Trixie screamed, her hat becoming lopsided as Trixie gritted her teeth, breathing hard at the expression-less owl.

“Anyway,” Prince Blueblood continued. “This bird has turned his back on Ms. Sparkle, and is now working for us as an undercover agent! He has infiltrated her library and her circle of friends – they trust him completely! With this bird on our side, we can discover a weakness and exploit it!”

“A brilliant plan, The Great and Powerful Trixie must admit,” Trixie said, looking at the prince wistfully.

“Ah, but not as brilliant as you madam, who alerted me to the source of our ills…” the prince responded, giving Trixie a charming smile.

“You flatter The Great and Powerful Trixie! But please, continue…”

Prince Blueblood then leaned towards Trixie and gave her what looked like a rather clumsy kiss on the lips. He had his front hooves on Trixie’s shoulders, putting what must have been a painful amount of weight on them. But Trixie was returning his kisses with gusto and the slurping and smacking noises they made echoed through the sparsely decorated hall.

“Oh brother…” the Diamond Dogs muttered, flinching.

“I do not approve of zis…unholiness.” Photo Finish grimaced, shielding her eyes from the sight.

“Get a room, already…” Gilda scoffed, rolling her eyes.

Even Owlowiscious, who otherwise looked completely passive, chose to turn his gaze away from the hideous sight.

All the Really Bad Stuff Happens

Sweet Apple Acres was in the full swing of summer. The trees were lush and each was dotted with shiny red apples ripe for picking. Applejack was trotting among the trees, pulling a cart loaded with baskets full of apples. Having just finished her day’s worth of apple bucking, she was now heading back to the barn to store the apples until they were ready to be sold.

It had been a perfectly normal day for Applejack, but that was about to change.

A low rumbling noise caught the orange pony’s attention. It seemed to be coming from a clearing in the orchard nearby. Applejack unhitched herself from the cart and trotted slowly towards the clearing, trying to identify the source of the noise. She couldn’t see anything, and what’s more she couldn’t figure out where that noise was coming from. It was almost something she could feel rather than hear, like it was coming from beneath her hooves…

Suddenly, with a thunderous boom that shook Applejack off-balance, the ground in front of her split open, sending up an enormous cloud of dirt and rock. The Diamond Dogs emerged out of the fresh hole in the ground, poking their heads into the air.

“Are you sure this is the right place?” one of them asked.

“I don’t know, there’s too many roots down here!” another shrieked.

“YOU!” Applejack cried, shocked at the sight before her.

“It’s the pony!” the third Diamond Dog said, pointing at Applejack. “Get her!”

But in their haste to capture Applejack, the three wound up tripping over each other as they scrambled out of the hole. This gave Applejack enough time to dash back to the cart and retrieve a length of rope.

“You fellers chose the wrong pony to mess with!” Applejack announced, fashioning the rope into a lasso. She twirled it over her head for a moment before flinging it at the Diamond Dogs, aiming for the head of the biggest one.

But the lasso began to glow and froze in mid-air before it got anywhere near the Diamond Dogs. Before Applejack could comprehend what was going on, the lasso snapped back like a rubber band and wrapped itself around Applejack’s hooves, leaving her lying hogtied on the ground.

“WHAT THE HAY?!?” Applejack shrieked.

“Quiet, foalish peasant!” Trixie trotted up to Applejack, shoving an apple into the earth pony’s mouth to complete the hogtied look. “As to be expected, you are no match for The Great and Powerful Trixie!” Applejack began making sputtering noises through the apple when she recognized her captor.

“We have successfully captured our quarry!” Trixie announced. “Quickly beasts, bring her into the tunnel!”

The Diamond Dogs grabbed Applejack and scurried back into the hole, dragging the earth pony with them. Trixie followed them back underground.

***

At the Carousel Boutique, it had been a quiet day for Rarity. There hadn’t been many customers and she was currently occupying herself by working on some new designs in the back room. At the moment, she was running some fabric through her sewing machine when she heard the doorbell over the shop door ring.

Rarity trotted in to the front room of her shop to greet her customer. “Welcome to the Carousel Boutique! I am Rari-“ she stopped and gasped when she caught sight of her visitor. “You!”

“Yes, it is I, Photo Finish!” Photo Finish said, posing dramatically at the announcement of her name. “And I have come to see you, Rarity!”

“M…Me?” Rarity squeaked, the word getting stuck in her throat on the way up.

“Yes! I realized I made a terrible mistake! Your fashion designs and grace and beyond compare! I must capture…your magics!”

“Oh my!” Rarity cried. “Are you saying…?”

“Yes! I am to make you shine across Eqvestria!” Photo Finish declared, waving a hoof in the air over her head. Rarity squealed and started jumping up and down excitedly, unable to contain herself with the announcement of this news.

“I merely need you to step outside with me, Rarity,” Photo Finish said, gesturing to the front door.

“Of course!” Rarity cried, regaining her composure. “Anything for Photo Finish!”

Photo Finish held the door open for Rarity, offering her to go first. If Rarity hadn’t been nearly bursting at the seams with the knowledge that she was about to become one of Equestria’s most famous fashion models, she would have thought this gesture of kindness was very strange coming from Photo Finish. But it was too late.

A yellow claw shot out of the air and grasped Rarity around the neck, pinning her to the ground. Rarity tried to scream, but another claw had placed itself over the unicorn’s muzzle.

“Listen pony…” Gilda said threateningly. “One sound out of you and you’re history. Got it?”

“Ve have succeeded!” Photo Finish declared, speaking over Rarity’s whimpers.

“Frankly, I don’t see why I couldn’t have just gone in and grabbed her myself,” Gilda huffed.

“Too uncouth,” Photo Finish said sharply. “Now…we go!”

Gilda took to the air, clutching Rarity in her claws. Photo Finish ran along the ground, following the griffon.

***

Pinkie Pie was cheerfully hopping around her room on the second floor of Sugarcube Corner. It had been another super happy fantastic pony-rific day in Ponyville, and all it was missing was a party! Now Pinkie just had to figure out what to throw a party for…

“Got any ideas, Gummy?” Pinkie asked, referring to her pet alligator. Gummy stared back blankly.

“I think I have an idea for a party…” a low voice said slowly.

“Yes! Let us ceeleebrate the return of your real friends, Pinkie!” a vaguely French-sounding voice cried out.

Pinkie stood straight up, her body going rigid. She turned around slowly to see a bucket of turnips, a sack of flour, a stack of rocks, and a ball of lint sitting at the other end of the room.

“You’re no friends of mine,” Pinkie said darkly, a sudden and frightening change from her normally cheerful voice.

“Now is that any way to address those who comforted you when you were alone?” Sir Lints-a-lot offered.

“You didn’t comfort me!” Pinkie shrieked, pointing a hoof at the ball of lint accusingly. “You all wanted to make me a jealousy-jealous pants and leave my friends!”

“But we’re your friends, not dat bunch of lo-sers!” Rocky said.

“Come back to us, Pinkie…” Mr. Turnip said slowly.

“Yes! Join us!” Madame LeFlour commanded.

“NO! Stop! What are you doing?!” Pinkie squealed. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Downstairs, Mrs. Cake was looking up at the ceiling with some concern. “Do you think we should check on her?” she said to her husband.

“Nah,” Mr. Cake said, pulling a fresh batch of cookies out of the oven. “I’m sure Pinkie’s just playing with Gummy. See, she’s already quieting down!”

Mrs. Cake seemed satisfied by this. “You’re right, dear,” she said, returning to a tray of muffins.

***

Prince Blueblood approached the Ponyville library. Fortunately for him, the area was deserted – it would not do to have any of these filthy commoners coming up to him while he was carried out his mission.

Owlowiscious had informed the prince when Twilight would be departing the library to visit one of her friends, leaving her dragon assistant alone at the library. This part of the plan was crucial: they had to cut off Twilight and her companions from their connection to Princess Celestia.

The prince tapped a hoof on the door. After a moment, Spike opened the front door.

“Hi there! Can I help – what…Prince Blueblood?!” Spike sputtered, taken aback. He had never met the prince, but he had seen him from a distance once or twice when he lived in Canterlot.

“It’s customary to bow to royalty, underling,” Prince Blueblood huffed.

“I don’t bow to anyone who upsets Rarity!” Spike growled, shoving a finger into the prince’s chest. “What are you doing in Ponyville, anyway? Here to torment Rarity again?” he said accusingly.

“Actually, I am here to apologize for my actions,” the prince replied. “I realize I treated Lady Rarity poorly and wanted to come to make it up to her. May I enter your place of residence?”

Spike still looked suspicious, but stepped back. “I suppose…” he muttered. “But you better not be thinking of trying anything with Rarity. She’s…already called for.”

The prince strutted in through the door. “Here,” he said, levitating a black jewel out of a bag slung around his mane. “I was informed that you like jewels. Enjoy.” he stated, levitating it to Spike.

“Hey, thanks!” Spike said. “Maybe you’re not such a bad pony after all…” he popped the jewel into his mouth. “Interesting flavor…what kind of jewel is this?”

Prince Blueblood chuckled. “Interesting that you should ask about that. This is a very unique kind of gem…it has been cast with a spell that causes any dragon to eat it to instantly fall asleep. But I see you’ve already discovered that for yourself…” he added with a laugh, looking at the snoozing dragon.

Horn glowing, the prince levitated his bag off his mane and scooped up Spike in one swift move before closing the bag. He turned to leave, the bag floating alongside him, when he almost collided with the gray pegasus with crossed eyes hovering at the front door.

“GAH! What are you doing here?!” the prince cried.

“I think I’m now a running joke! Oh and special delivery, your majesty!” the pegasus said, holding out an envelope. On the address label was written:

Prince Blueblood

Ponyville Library, 42 Pony Way

Ponyville, Equestria

“Uh, yes…thank you,” the prince stuttered, taking the envelope. The pegasus saluted before taking to the sky. The prince opened the envelope to find it was a colorful advertisement that said in large, bolded letters ‘FIND LOCAL DRAGON CATCHERS IN YOUR AREA!’ On the other side of the flyer was a similar advertisement, this one proclaiming ‘HOT, ELIGIBLE MARES IN PONYVILLE ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!’

“How do they do that?” the prince muttered, marveling at the speed of advertisers these days.

***

Twilight Sparkle was in a panic. She had left to see Rarity, but found no one at the Carousel Boutique even though it appeared to be open. That was unusual in and of itself, but then she had returned to the library to find the door left open and Spike missing. It was at this point that she ran into Rainbow Dash, who told her she had been looking for Pinkie and having no luck. Dash had since located Fluttershy, but Applejack was nowhere to be found.

Twilight was running through the town square for what felt like the hundredth time when she heard a shout from overhead. “Hey, Twi!” Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were hovering in the air.

“Did you find them?” Twilight asked hopefully.

“Um…Well, we think so…” Fluttershy muttered.

“But that’s not all we found.” Dash said grimly, motioning Twilight to follow. They raced down the street to a spot on the edge of town, where a group of familiar figures were standing…

“We did it!” one of the Diamond Dogs cheered. The Legion of Gloom was standing over the bound and gagged figures of three ponies and Spike. Rarity and Pinkie had terrified looks on their faces, while Applejack was struggling with her bonds. Spike had been outfitted with a wired faceguard which prevented him from opening his mouth and breathing any magical fire.

“Wait…who collected the pink commoner?” Prince Blueblood asked. “I don’t remember her being part of the initial phase of the plan…and why is she sitting next to a bucket of turnips, a bunch of rocks, a sack of flour, and a ball of lint?”

“Who cares?” Gilda scoffed. “We’ve got her and that’s all I care about!”

“HEY!” a blue pegasus was approaching the group, followed by a yellow pegasus and a purple unicorn. “What’s going on here?”

“Ve have been discovered!” Photo Finish exclaimed.

“Well, well…” Gilda strode forward. “If it isn’t Rainbow Dash…”

“GILDA?!?” Dash shouted, so shocked that she stopped moving forward. Fluttershy caught up with Dash first.

“The Diamond Dogs?” Fluttershy said in a confused tone. “…Photo Finish?”

“Prince Blueblood?” Twilight said, looking completely bewildered. “And…Trixie?”

“That’s The Great and Powerful Trixie to you, foal!” Trixie shouted. “And soon you will have the privilege of adding Your Majesty to that title!”

“Your…Majesty?” Dash muttered, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes!” Trixie shouted triumphantly. “I have found an ideal companion in His Majesty, Prince Blueblood!”

“Indeed!” the prince affirmed, locking eyes with the blue unicorn. “I shall marry her into royalty. She shall be Her Majesty, The Great and Powerful Princess Trixie!”

At this Trixie threw her arms around the prince’s mane, kissing him savagely on the lips again. Spike, Applejack, Rarity, Twilight and Fluttershy looked beyond shocked.

“Ummm…” Fluttershy said slowly.

“…what?” Twilight couldn’t comprehend what she was witnessing.

Rainbow Dash, on the other hand, looked unimpressed. “Eh, I’m not that surprised. Those two were made for each other.” For her part, Pinkie looked like she was trying not to giggle uncontrollably.

Trixie finally broke from her embrace of the prince. “Now behold inferiors, as we, The Legion of Gloom, enact our revenge on you who have dared to wrong us!” at this she threw down a hoofful of powder which burst into a cloud of dust that shrouded the entire area. Twilight and Fluttershy coughed and sputtered, while Dash had the presence of mind to lift into the air and make several swoops at the dust cloud, cutting it apart and clearing it away.

But when the cloud finally dispersed, it was to show that the Legion of Gloom had vanished, along with their captives. Unseen to Dash, Fluttershy or Twilight was a well-hidden hole situated at the foot of a tree, which connected to a tunnel leading back to the Froggy Bottom Bog.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Any self-respecting brony will be familiar with the Elements of Harmony, the magical power which Twilight and her friends used to stop Nightmare Moon when Twilight first came to Ponyville. These elements – Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Honesty, Loyalty and Magic – when brought together by the spark of Friendship, can face down the darkest of foes. These elements reflect the values held most dear by the good ponies of Equestria.

However, there is another set of elements in Equestria, which reflect a pony’s darker nature. These elements are the direct opposite of the Elements of Harmony, and combined they can wreak terrible damage upon the just and innocent.

Take the Diamond Dogs. They sought to ponynap an innocent mare from her friends, put her to work at a task she was ill-suited to handle, give no thanks for her hard work, and collect anything she had received without any payment. The opposite of kindness in every way, the Diamond Dogs represent the Element of Nastiness.

Or Prince Blueblood. Where the Element of Laughter brings joy to everpony around her and can make the darkest of situations easier to bear, Prince Blueblood has only ever managed to bring pain and misery to everypony he meets, be it the servants he treats so awfully or the young mares whose hearts he has broken. He reflects the Element of Sorrow.

And then there’s Photo Finish. Vain and sure of her success, she sought to ignore the wishes of the models who worked for her, seeing them not as ponies of feeling but as mere subjects to photograph and money to be gained. Far from generous, she reflects the Element of Greed.

When it comes to honesty, there is no equal to Applejack. And so it is with her opposite, the self-centered Trixie. Always looking for another crowd to exploit and bolstering her name by telling of deeds she never accomplished, she is the very manifestation of the Element of Falsehood.

Or take Gilda. Unwilling to accept her old friend’s companions, Gilda chose to abandon Rainbow Dash rather than come to terms with the fact that she was no longer the center of the pegasus’ universe, and may never have been. Her willingness to turn her back marks her as the Element of Betrayal.

But the most dangerous element is the last, for it is also the spark that has brought these other elements together. It is the opposite of the order and focus that entails the use of magic. It is reflected by Pinkie’s imaginary friends, for this element is what gave birth to them and what drove the other elements to form the Legion of Gloom, to pursue the dreams of revenge. This last element…is the Element of Insanity.

Mind you, I’m only telling you all this because I thought it sounded cool. There’s no magic or powers involved with these elements, like with the Elements of Harmony. And none of the characters in this story know that these elements even exist. I’m only telling you this because it makes the Legion of Gloom sound way more intimidating and unified than they actually are – the elements have absolutely no effect on the events of this story whatsoever. I’m sorry if you were expecting something awesome to come out of all that text, I just thought it would sound neat. My apologies to anyone who got their hopes up, and I hope this doesn’t effect your enjoyment of the rest of the story.

We now return to your scheduled fan fiction, already in progress…

***

“Our plan is working perfectly!” Prince Blueblood cried triumphantly. The Legion of Gloom had returned to their headquarters in the Froggy Bottom Bog and were now standing around the still bound and gagged figures of Applejack, Pinkie, Rarity, and Spike.

“Of course!” Trixie said. “What less would you expect with The Great and Powerful Trixie working on your side?”

“Frankly, I didn’t think it was going to be so easy…” one of the Diamond Dogs muttered, only for the other two to nudge him sharply and give him a look that quite plainly said ‘Shut up now.’

“Now ve have to figure out what to with ze prisoners!” Photo Finish pointed out.

“Well, I know what I’m doing with you…” Gilda growled, approaching Pinkie. “I’m going to give you a little ‘flying lesson.’ I’ll just drop you from above the clouds. Don’t worry, I’ll catch you before you hit the ground…maybe.”

However, Pinkie wasn’t paying attention to Gilda, instead focusing on something else in the room. Rarity seemed to have noticed this. “Mmit. My mif mer ahm muck wuv fower, ahm saf wuv rofs, ahm wall wuv mint man ahm vuckef wuv furnis nef to Vinkie?” Rarity garbled through the bandana covering her muzzle, which roughly translated meant “Wait. Why is there a sack of flour, a stack of rocks, a ball of lint and a bucket of turnips next to Pinkie?”

“Don’t be getting too rough with the prisoners yet, half-breed!” Trixie yelled. “We need them as the ransom to get the other three! And The Great and Powerful Trixie will not rest until she has that inferior Sparkle!”

“Nor I, Photo Finish, with ze Flootershy!” Photo Finish jumped in.

Gilda glowered at the two of them for a second before shrugging. “I guess I could afford to wait. There’s still Rainbow Dash, after all.”

“Someone call my name?” a confident voice called out from behind them.

The group turned around abruptly to see none other than Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash standing at the end of the hall, looking confident and impressive.

“What…HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?!?” Trixie screamed. “HOW DOES EVERYPONY KEEP FINDING THIS PLACE?!”

“Because there was a spy in your midst!” Twilight said dramatically as a brown owl swept up from behind her and landed softly on Twilight’s back. “You thought that Owlowiscious was working for you, but in fact he was a double-agent! The moment you ponynapped our friends, Owlowiscious told us how to find your headquarters!”

Owlowiscious gave a small “Hoo!” at this. Even through his mouth guard, Spike was able to mutter something through gritted teeth that sounded an awful lot like “Show off…”

“And now,” Twilight continued. “Your days are numbered! Before we left Ponyville I sent off a letter to Princess Celestia, who is sure to send dozens of royal guards here to rescue us within moments!”

There was a loud tap on the wall behind Twilight. The unicorn turned around and pressed the hoof-sized button on the wall to open the door. The gray pegasus with crossed eyes was hovering outside.

“Sorry ma’am, insufficient postage,” the pegasus grunted at Twilight, giving her a dirty look she obviously reserved only for those who dared to cheat the system (at least, it seemed like a dirty look…it was somewhat undercut by the crossed eyes). Twilight looked at the envelope:

Princess Celestia

1620 Highly Dangerous Situation

Nightmare Crater, The Moon

Under the single solitary stamp was stamped in harsh red letters ‘INSUFFICIENT POSTAGE.’

“Nuts,” Twilight sighed. “And I left my satchel with all my bits at home. Well ponies, I guess we’re going to have to handle this on our own.”

“And how do you propose to do that?” Prince Blueblood announced. “There’s eleven of us and only four of you! You’re hopelessly outnumbered!” He paused for a second. “Wait…eleven? No, there are only seven of us…why did I say eleven?” He muttered, scratching his head.

“Well no matter, you’re still outnumbered!” Trixie shouted.

“Uh…hello?” Rainbow Dash scoffed. “Equestria’s best young flyer, Ponyville’s greatest magician, and the world’s best animal expert here!”

“Vaht does being an animal expert have anyzing to do with rescuing your friends?” Photo Finish asked.

At that moment, there was a massive movement coming from behind Fluttershy. Wave after wave of adorable creatures – small mammals, amphibians, and birds – appeared behind the yellow pegasus, looking steely and ready for battle. Angel the Bunny was wearing a pasta strainer upside down on his head and holding a carrot like an assault rifle.

“Now everybody,” Fluttershy directed the animals. “Please don’t be too hard with them, okay? Mr. Hawk, don’t claw anyone’s eyes out again, okay? And Mrs. Beaver, I don’t want to see you chewing off any limbs this time, all right?” the hawk and beaver Fluttershy were addressing looked ashamed for a moment, but nodded.

“Everypony ready?” Twilight called. “And…CHARGE!!!” she lowered her head and ran at the Legion of Gloom, followed by Rainbow Dash, Owlowiscious and the dozens of forest animals.

It was chaos. The individual members of the Legion of Gloom had dispersed in different directions, each fighting a different battle. Owlowiscious and a few of the chipmunks had already clawed or chewed through the ropes binding Pinkie, Rarity, and Applejack, releasing them within moments. A woodpecker was trying to remove Spike’s face guard but not having much luck, much to Spike’s discomfort.

Rainbow Dash and a contingent of hummingbirds were battling Gilda in the air, swooping and diving at each other. Twilight was taking on the Diamond Dogs, using her magic against their brute strength, while Rarity was facing down Prince Blueblood (literally – Rarity was screaming in the face of the prince, who had decided to cower against a wall). Angel Bunny was dueling Photo Finish, the rabbit using a carrot while the fashion photographer wielded a tripod she got from who knows where. Trixie was now defending herself against a very angry Applejack and a bunch of frogs.

Nopony in the room seemed to have noticed Pinkie shouting at four apparently inanimate objects. “I should have turned you into cupcakes!” she screamed at Madame LeFlour before giving it a mighty buck, ripping the canvas cover and causing white flour to spill on the floor. “And I should have made you into cookies!” she leveled a kick at Mr. Turnip, causing it to crash on the ground and a number of turnips to spill out. Pinkie suddenly stopped and put a hoof on her chin. “Wait, no…that wouldn’t make any sense. Turnip cookies would taste awful! Then again, I’ve never actually tried turnip cookies so maybe I shouldn’t judge before I’ve had some. But how would you make turnips into cookies?” as she was mulling this over she managed to back into Rocky, causing Pinkie to jump several feet into the air.

“Oh, thought you could sneak up on me, huh?” Pinkie shouted at Rocky. The stack of rocks was standing next to Sir Lints-a-lot. “And team up to take me down?” Pinkie hollered. “Well, you’d better be ready for my PINK-FU!” she stood on her hind legs and gave a number of sharp kicks and jabs before swiping at Rocky, causing the top two rocks to fall off and pin Sir Lints-a-lot to the ground.

Pinkie smiled slyly. “You are a formidable opponent, but you are no match for me!” she said in a vaguely Asian accent, somehow managing to speak it aloud and out of sync with the movements of her mouth at the same time.

“What…is…your…DEAL?!” Rainbow Dash gritted through her teeth, diving at Gilda with each word.

“You left to hang out with that lame-o Pinkie!” Gilda shouted, swiping at a passing hummingbird with her claw.

“I thought we went over this!” Dash cried. “What, am I not allowed to have new friends?”

Gilda decided to answer this with by diving at Rainbow Dash, her claws extended and ready to cut, when she was knocked out of the air by one of the Diamond Dogs, who had been sent flying by a spell from Twilight.

“-MOST UNCOUTH, DISGUSTING, PRETENTIOUS, VILE PONY THAT I HAVE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO MEET!” Rarity’s scream rang throughout the room, interrupted only by a scream from Trixie as a frog landed on her horn, knocking her hat off. In another corner of the room, a surprisingly loud ‘thunk!’ was heard when Photo Finish’s tripod struck Angel’s carrot.

“Zis is the end of the line…for you!” Photo Finish said sharply. Angel gave her a glare that quite plainly said “Bring it, toots.” Nearby, Gummy and Owlowiscious were surrounded by a crowd of animals, but there was no fight here – the alligator and the owl seemed to be taking bets on each of the fights and the animals were placing fruits, acorns, and other items of value to the forest creatures down and going back and forth over the odds of each fighter.

And so it would have continued, had Prince Blueblood not backed into the panel of buttons on the wall behind him.

“STORY TERMINATION SEQUENCE INITIATED” a loud, robotic voice overwhelmed every other noise in the room. It was accompanied by flashing red lights and repetitive sirens and caused every individual in the room to freeze in place, trying to figure out what was happening.

Prince Blueblood backed sharply away from the wall before dashing over to Trixie. “Hold me, my love!” he hollered, attempting to jump into Trixie’s front legs only to pin the unfortunate blue unicorn to the ground.

Twilight looked around her. The red lights were blinking faster, the sirens growing more frequent as the entire world seemed to be shimmering slightly at the edges, falling away from Twilight.

“This doesn’t make any sense…” Twilight muttered. “It’s almost as if I’ve been…”

***

Twilight awoke with a start. “…dreaming?” she muttered slowly. Her eyes began to focus and adjust to the light…first she could see the book her head had apparently fallen asleep on, drool forming a small puddle on the pages…then she could see the desk with other books and a set of quills sitting next to a couple of empty cups and a glass bottle half-full of a brownish-red liquid…then the rest of the library…and then finally the windows and the morning sky beyond them.

The unicorn groaned and lifted herself off her desk. “That’s it…” she muttered to herself. “I’ve got to start going easier on the apple cider…” her eyes found a plate on the floor littered with crumbs. “And no more Pinkie Pie treats before I go to sleep.”

She yawned and stretched for a second before there was a knock at her door. Twilight grunted and got up to answer it.

“Welcome to the Ponyville Library, how can I-“ she was cut off when her visitor, a gray pegasus with crossed eyes, thrust her face into Twilight’s, giving her an angry and thoroughly disappointed expression.

“Really? Really?! You sunk to the lowest common denominator? The ‘Oh, it was all just a dream!’ set up?” Derpy Hooves demanded.

“…What? What are you talk-“ Twilight was interrupted when Derpy shoved a hoof into Twilight’s mouth.

“Tsk, tsk. Couldn’t come up with a decent ending, so you reverted to the worst of clichés. Oh sure, the idea of a team of supervillains, well that’s just comedic gold, but when the time comes to actually make them do something you drop the ball! And here I was really enjoying myself!”

Derpy removed her hoof from Twilight’s muzzle and turned around in a huff. “STORY! I WANT TO SEE YOUR SUPERVISOR! THIS WILL NOT DO!” she screamed at the sky before taking to the air.

Twilight stared at the receding figure of Derpy, mouth agape and unable to process what had just happened. “The ponies in this town are crazy…” she finally muttered to herself before stepping back inside and closing the door.

Fin