I paced along the aisles of No-frills, looking for some appropriate cereal. God, having a kid was hard. You ask them what they want for breakfast and the smartass replies: “Food.”

I continued down the aisle, browsing through Bran Flakes, Mini-Wheats, Shreddies…

I mouthed my tongue around as I thought about all the options. Figures that Chad had a fight with his mom and told her that he’d run away to my place. And now for the last week I’ve been taking care of some kid who wasn’t even mine. Well, at least I knew him, and he was an alright sport I guess… minus the smartass attitude he had.

“Well… he probably wouldn’t like cereal without lots of sugar…” I muttered as I browsed into the more flavourful selection. ‘Hmm… Honey Nut Cheerios?’ I wondered but then switched to the more diabetes prone cereal. “Ah perfect,” I said as I began browsing through the cereal brands I always saw on TV.

“Now… what to get?” I asked myself before thinking for a minute. I shrugged then began walking along the aisle, tossing in every diabetic prone cereal I saw: Lucky Charms, Fruit Loops, Nesquik cereal, Reese Puffs, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Alpha Bits, Honey Combs, and then more Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

“Well, if he doesn’t like this, then he can shove it,” I muttered as I looked over my shopping list. ‘Having a job is great, everyone is always like ‘Oooh I have no money!’ But they always spend their money on booze and smokes,’ I laughed to myself at my thoughts.

I looked around the store for a while longer, aimlessly browsing. Finally, a smug smile crossed my face and I placed my left foot on the bottom frame of the shopping cart, pushing myself along at an increasingly immature speed.

“Wee… Wee!... WEE! YEEHAW!” I yelled as I rounded a corner. An older looking fellow, probably in his late fifties, gave me a sour look of disapproval. I smiled brightly and gave him a wave as I sped by him on my shopping cart.

Tuesday, March 19th, 2014…

I awoke from yet another memory dream. My room was still dark and no light source of any kind pierced the darkness. I reached over to the nightstand and picked up my watch.

‘12:39am,’ so why the hell was I up? What in Celestia’s name had disturbed my sleep? I spotted a crack of light that slipped in underneath the basement door. As I looked closer, I heard hoof steps upstairs, then the bathroom door closed, followed by soft and faint crying.

“Oh god… Twilight’s crying again,” I muttered to myself. This was the… seventh time in the last twenty four hours. Ever since yesterday morning, right after breakfast, she got really moody.

“It must be her time of the month,” I muttered. The crying however, didn’t cease, as usual, and went on for another twenty minutes. “Alright… I wanna go to sleep…” I muttered to myself as I stood up. I slipped on my engagement ring, then headed upstairs.

“Whatever’s bugging her, she’s got to get it out of her because I can’t sleep,” I complained. Reaching the bathroom door, I realized that her sobbing was actually quite loud, not enough to wake the neighbours, or even somepony if they were sleeping in the living room, but still significantly loud.

I knocked on the door and the sobbing came to an abrupt end, but the voice that answered was riddled with stifled sobs. “I’m… in here… I’ll be out in a second…” The voice then continued to weep and I knocked again.

“Hey Twilight? Can we talk?” I asked, but the reply was a little different than I expected.

“There’s nothing to talk about. It’s over,” she sobbed. I let out a disgruntled sigh. ‘Mares… they’re the same as women. Cry about shit and become all emotional but won’t talk about it… that and they keep everyone in the house awake when they cry,’ I thought to myself.

“What’s over Twilight? Can’t we just talk about it?” I asked pleadingly.

“Why don’t you… go and… talk with Cheerilee about it!” She snapped back at me through a few stifled sobs.

“What the fu…” I rolled my eyes. “What the hell are you going on about? You’re the one who’s crying, shouldn’t we be talking?” I asked. The door suddenly swung open and I was greeted by Twilight’s tear riddled and anger stressed face.

“You want to talk? Fine we’ll talk. Why don’t you go live with your new fillyfriend?!” She scolded me.

“Fillyfriend? What the hell are you talking about?” I asked, curious still to what was going on.

“Fillyfriend, friend with benefits, buck buddy, whatever you want to call her! Why don’t you go live with her?!” She scowled and I brought my hands up in the air in confusion.

“Who the hell are you talking about?!” I exclaimed, my thoughts spinning in circles about the whole topic.

“Your… your… YOUR MP!” She said through more sobs before covering her eyes, slamming the door in my face, and continuing to dreadfully sob.

“My M… what? You mean Cheerilee?” I asked. There was a moment’s silence then came my reply.

“Yes… if you’re ‘such’ good friends with her… then why don’t you go move in with her? Be her special somepony, live happily ever after and just leave me alone!” She cried. ‘This mare gets more confusing by the minute,’ I thought to myself.

“Hold up Twilight. Slow down…” I let out a deep breath. “What the hell are you so moody about?” I asked and the door slightly opened.

“You…” she trailed off and I pointed to myself. “Yes you! You think you can just go around bucking ponies, then come back here and act like nothing happened?” She asked me and I raised an eyebrow.

“Bucking ponies? I never bucked a pony… Twilight, what the hell has gotten into you?” I asked and she sucked back her tears.

“You and Cheerilee… you’re… you’re a couple now…” she said through a sniffle and I gave a rather distasteful look.

“Ech… no way. Hey listen, that mare is nice and kind and everything, but we didn’t have sex,” I began. She wiped some tears from her dampened face and I let out another tired sigh. In a perfect Terminator voice, I muttered out, “Now listen very carefully.” I had a straight Schwarzenegger face on. “And if you don’t understand something, then ask,” I told her then began my short story.

“Okay, starting off. I played hero man and saved Dash, in the process I got injured by Timberwolves, so I had to go to the hospital. Then they tried to give me a needle and I wouldn’t let them. So then a nurse gave me a potion that was supposed to be a tetanus. What she didn’t tell me was that the potion would give me a raging boner and near uncontrollable sexual urges. So all day Sunday I was running around trying to find a way to stop my urges and that’s when I figured I’d just jerk off in the back of my truck. But then I bumped into Cheerilee, who was in heat, and we masturbated together, nothing more, nothing less. We’re not in some sort of relationship, we just had a mutual masturbation session. Kind of weird, I know, but that’s all that happened,” I informed her.

She blinked briefly from all the information then spoke. “So you two aren’t… dating?” She asked and I shook my head. “And you didn’t have sex?” She asked, again I shook my head, replying that I hadn’t. “Why didn’t you tell me?!” She burst out. I scratched my head.

“Didn’t I… say that in the letter?” I asked. Twilight quickly pulled out my letter and reread it. An embarrassed look spread across her face and she looked over to me then leapt on me, hugging me tightly and crying into my shoulder.

“I’m sorry Evan. It’s just that I thought you were dating Cheerilee and I didn’t want to lose you,” she wept and I scratched my head.

“You’ll never lose me,” I replied casually and she tilted her head back from the hug.

“Really? You mean that?” She asked and I gave a half assed nod.

“Well duh. You’re my teacher, and kinda like my mom. It’s like a parent saying they’d lose their son to his girlfriend. Yeah, maybe he’d start hanging around the girlfriend more but, in the end, the parent is still the parent,” I told her. We both smiled at each other and I let out a yawn.

“Twilight… promise me something?” I asked.

“Anything,” she said in a hushed tone.

“Next time you’re all emotional because you think I might move out, just ask,” I told her. Her face went pale.

“You think I was crying because… I thought you might move out?” She asked and I nodded.

“Well yeah… I mean, that’s why you were crying right? All parents cry when their kid leaves the home. It’s like a bird leaving the nest. They never really come back, but they’re always around,” I stated. She sniffled for a few minutes then wiped the tears from her eyes.

“Evan… can I ask something of you?” She asked and I shrugged.

“Sure kid. Ask away,” I replied.

“Tomorrow, can we go see my parents?” She asked and I shrugged.

“Uhm sure. Now by tomorrow do you mean as in today, or tomorrow as in Wednesday?” I asked.

“What time is it?!” She gasped and I scratched my head.

“Probably about one in the morning. Your crying woke me up,” I informed her. A nervous blush came across her face. She once again embraced me in a motherly hug.

“Sorry about that… I love you Evan,” she whispered. I rubbed her head affectionately.

“Yeah… I love you too kid,” I replied. She looked up to me and her tears made her eyes gleam in the moonlight that protruded through the windows of the library.

“Really?” She asked, and I nodded hesitantly.

“Well yeah… I mean, a son is supposed to love his mom right?” I asked. She gently rested her head against my chest, breathing in a soft and relaxed way. I held her in my arms, rocking her body back and forth.

Soon I realized that Twilight had fallen asleep in my arms, now supported by only my body.

I gently lifted her up into my arms and walked her up to her room, then to her bed. I sat down on the bed, still cradling the sleeping alicorn in my arms.

I quietly whispered the words to a very sad verse from a very sad book. One which had always brought a tear to my eye as a child. As I remembered my own mother, whom I hadn’t seen in over half a year, a tear came to my eye.

I looked down to Twilight and thought about how much sadness she had been in recently because of my actions and lack of ability to explain them. ‘You’re an idiot.’ My conscience thought to me.

Tears sparkled into my vision and I clenched my eyes shut. Some of my tears fell down to Twilight and dampened her fur. “I’m sorry Twi…” I whispered, hating myself for the misery I had recently brought her. ‘Next time I’ll explain it in greater detail and make sure I really explain that I won’t leave her,’ I told myself.

As I continued to cradle her in my arms, my senses grew weak. My head began to bob and seemed to weigh a ton. My eyelids grew heavy and, ever so slowly, I fell asleep.

My sleep was dark, undisturbed and peaceful. I soon felt a tingly feeling throughout my right arm. I awoke with a dissatisfied groan, only to find Twilight passed out on top of me. Her mane was somewhat in my mouth and had a tangy sort of taste to it. I pulled my face away and mouthed my tongue around. It did taste better than morning breath, I'll admit that.

Part of her light frame was resting on my arm, cutting off some of the circulation and giving my arm a tingly sensation of numbness. I let out a tired groan and rubbed away the eye-snot from my eyelids.

“Mmm... Twilight…” I muttered groggily, but she was unresponsive. “Mmm… I’m hungry,” I mumbled to myself. I gently shuffled my body out from under her, only to find a large slick of drool on my bare chest.

My arm began to tingle more as blood flow returned. I stumbled my way down to the kitchen, only to find it void of any cereal. “Man… what a cock block,” I mused to myself as I realized there was no cereal.

Looking to the kitchen clock, I realized it was only 6:00am. “Nopony should be around town right now… maybe I can get me some cereal…” I mumbled.

Quickly slipping on my clean fatigues, my watch, my wallet, and my boots, I silently slipped out the front door and began making my way to the local grocery store. I soon had the irresistible urge to just start jogging, while I sang ‘What is love?’

My pace was more along a steady run rather than a jog, but it felt nice. The air was cool, the streets were still dim, and nopony was around.

As I past a gingerbread house, a stunning aroma caught my attention. It smelt like… “Mmm… I could use a cinnamon roll right about now…” I whispered to myself. I quickly approached the building which, to my somewhat decent knowledge, was some sort of small time bakery.

The sign on the door read ‘Open’, so I quickly scampered inside, only to be greeted by a pink pony with an absolutely ridiculous mane of hair. Her mane was also pink, albeit a darker shade, and was frazzled into a big puff.

“Uhm… hi,” I began, but no sooner had I started, she let out a tremendous gasp.

“Are you… Twilight’s new student?” she gasped and I nodded. “The one who never leaves the basement?” she asked in a squeaky tone. I rolled my eyes then nodded, figuring that was a pretty good statement. She let out a squealing gasp, so loud I thought she was about to explode, then disappeared into a fume of dust as she sped off.

I was left with my index finger up, trying to call her back. “Wait I… ca… I…” I stuttered. My head drooped down as I let out a depressed sigh. As I left my head drooped, my nose once again caught wind of the freshly baked cinnamon rolls. My nostrils seemed to naturally sniff like a dog, and my head perked up.

I followed the lingering smell. It only took a moment to find a fresh plate of them on the counter with a sign reading ‘Cinnamon rolls, 1 bit per roll.’

I pulled out twelve bits, the same amount to how many rolls were on the plate, grabbed the rolls, placed the bits on the plate, and then placed the rolls into a doggy bag before leaving.

“It’s not stealing if you paid for it,” I told myself as I quickly devoured one of the rolls. It tasted great. It wasn’t too sweet, but had enough taste to drive my taste buds wild, making me have a desire to scoff back another.

“Keep room for cereal Burdy, keep room for cereal,” I told myself as I consciously ate a second one.

I soon reached the grocery store, grabbed a shopping cart, and made my way through the automatic sliding doors. ‘Sliding doors… twenty first century…’ I thought to myself, making a mental note about yet another of the weird era pools this place had.

I placed my right foot at the base of the small shopping kart, obviously being made to accommodate ponies, not humans, and began to immaturely stroll around the store. Nopony was around to give me shit so I was free to do so.

“Wee… wee… WEE!” I squealed to myself as I began fucking around. I’d take corners at increasingly higher speeds. The wheels on the kart would grind and squeak in retort as I’d skid around corners, sometimes bringing the kart onto two wheels.

“And Burdy takes the lead, he’s heading down the straightaway at two hundred miles per hour!” I said in an announcer voice, foolishly pretending that I was a NASCAR driver. I began making silly race car noises as I sped along at an audacious speed.
I rounded the final corner and, “LOOKOUT!” I heard a voice scream in panic. I turned to see Derpy traveling on a shopping kart in a similar fashion that I was, except not as stupidly fast.

Her kart T-boned mine and I careened into a shelf. My empty cart went sprawling, but the shelf of items came crashing down on me. “OHH SHIT!” I yelled, but was too off balanced to react properly.

I landed face first into the tiled floor as the shelf collapsed on my back. Jars, bottles, and the shelve itself, crashed down onto my body.

A minor pain seared through my body and I heard Derpy screaming for somepony to get help. I squirmed my top section out from underneath and I heard Derpy scream in absolute fear. “Oh my gosh… EVAN! SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE.”

That’s when I noticed a red fluid trailing down my face, along with it staining my entire set of clothes. More of the fluid trailed out from under me, making a pool underneath my body. Derpy rushed to my side, breathing frantically.

“Evan… oh please don’t do this… please, please, pleasepleaseplease…” she began to tear up as she tried to cradle me. I gave one clean stroke of my hand down my face then licked the fluid.

It had a bitter taste to it that made me gag in disgust. Derpy squeezed me tighter. “Oh please Celestia, I didn’t mean to,” Derpy cried.

“Oh chill out Derpy. I’m sure their insurance will cover it,” I chuckled then held out my tongue and tried to spit out the nasty taste in my mouth. As I spit the bitter taste out of my mouth, some of the fluid spat out with my saliva.

“Evan… oh please forgive me… I didn’t mean to. I was just…” she began to weep into my shoulder.

“What?” I asked casually. She whipped her head back from my shoulder, tears strolling down her cheeks and dampening her fur, along with my shoulder.

“You… you’re going to die… and it’s all my fault!” she cried out and I scrunched my nose.

“What?! No I’m not,” I said casually as I quickly squirmed out from underneath the shelf and brushed off the sticky wetness of the fluid. She just stayed sitting, looking at me with disbelief.

“But… but you were bleeding… and coughing up blood…” she stated in an astounded voice.

“Uhh no… that’s tomato juice. I thought it was something like fruit punch, but when I tasted the tomato juice, I gagged from the awful taste of it,” I informed her. She just blinked, still completely stunned that I wasn’t dying.

In a brief moment, she lept up and squeezed me tightly, the hug almost hurting more than the shelf collapsing on me. “Oh Evan… please don’t scare me like that again,” she wept.

I rolled my eyes and returned the hug, though not as tightly as she was squeezing me. After a moment, we broke from the hug and I gave her a nod. There was a message that played on the microphone speakers.

“CLEAN UP ON AISLE FIVE PLEASE,” it spoke out loudly. I gulped then looked to Derpy.

“We better skedaddle. I think we’d be in a lot of trouble if they found us like this.” I laughed. We both quickly grabbed our shopping carts and sped off, quickly resorting to playing race karts.

We immaturely sped down aisles like race car drivers. Every so often one of us would take the lead and pretend to be the announcer. We sped around corners, sometimes knocking things off shelves, laughing all the while, until we finally stopped to catch a breather. I looked to Derpy as she panted heavily. “AND THE WINNER!” I announced as I grabbed Derpy’s right hoof then held it in the air.

Derpy giggled as I released her hoof and gave her a nudge. “See yah around Derpy,” I told her. She nodded and we parted ways. I quickly moved to the cereal section and grabbed some sweet cereal labelled ‘Fruity Hoops’. It had some sort of scorpion-tailed, bat-winged lion as the mascot. It was doing a slam dunk through what looked to be an enlarged Fruit Loop.

“Fucking knockoffs…” I muttered. I then realized that, in this world, Fruit Loops probably didn’t exist. I grabbed several boxes of ‘Fruity Hoops’ and placed them in my cart before making my way to the checkout.

I reached for my bag of cinnamon rolls, only to realize that they had all been squashed into a nasty mush of cinnamon roll goo. “Goddammit,” I swore.

I picked out mushy pieces of what used to be cinnamon rolls and took a bite, but the tomato juice had seeped through and tainted the former goodness of the cinnamon rolls. “WOW…” I said in an unimpressed voice, “What a cock block,” I swore again.

I reached the checkout and paid for several boxes of cereal. “Sixteen bits later and I got me four boxes a’ Fruit Loops… err Fruity Hoops,” I chuckled then looked at the box cover. The scorpion lion thing had a stupid smile on his face with a caption reading ‘THEY’RE SUPERB!’

I slapped my forehead from the absolutely retarded catchphrase. As I left the grocery store, I tossed the bag of mushy cinnamon rolls into a trash can, left the shopping cart behind, and scooted back to Twilight’s library.

‘I need me some mother fuckin’ cereal bitches!’ I thought to myself with an undying smirk that sprawled across my face.

I reached for the doorknob and found it to be locked. “Gah… what the fuck?!” I hissed to myself. Twilight never locks the front door.

Quickly scurrying around back, I broke into the residence by the basement window. I kicked off my stained clothes, replaced them with a pair of blue jeans and white t-shirt, and then raced upstairs, not even bothering to put on some socks.

I skidded my feet across the wooden floor leading into the living room, and a thumb tack stabbed into my foot. “Shit!” I hissed, not bothering to look. I rushed to the table and set the boxes of cereal on the kitchen table.

The bowls were out, the milk poured, and my cereal was ready before I could even manage to sputter another word, and then it hit me; there was a slight pain at the base of my foot.

I hefted my right leg up and across my left and then examined my foot. The thumb tack was lodged into my foot and the needle looked to be a bit bent, probably due to me skidding over it and rushing about like I was.
“Well… at least the top doesn’t have a grip,” I muttered to myself. The top was a simple bronze plate, meant not to have a grip and rather be pushed into a wall by hoof and left there, only to be removed with something like a knife.

I slide my finger and thumb nail between my skin and the tack head then pulled it out. A small stream of blood oozed out. I grabbed some paper towels from off the table and set them on the floor, placing my foot on top of them so I wouldn’t have to clean the mess afterwards.

My first spoonful hadn’t even entered my mouth when Spike moseyed into the kitchen, still wiping his eyes in a daze of sleepiness. “Morning kid,” I said before placing a spoonful of the tasty cereal in my mouth.

Spike murmured something before taking his hands away from his face. He looked to me, then to the cereal. “OH HEY WOW! You got Fruity Hoops! Can I have some?!” He squeaked in excitement.

I looked blankly to the boxes of cereal, a spoonful of cereal still in my mouth, then back to him before shrugging. I grabbed one of the boxes and tossed it to him. “Knock yourself out.” I mused.

His faced seemed to gleam with happiness as he caught the box and began pouring himself a bowl. “So…” he trailed off through a mouthful of cereal. “How was your morning?” he asked and I shrugged.

“Meh… I bought a bunch of cinnamon rolls at Sugarcube Corner this morning… but they all got crushed when Derpy and I collided at the grocery mart,” I snickered as I remembered how she thought I was dying. “And tomato juice spilt all over me. Derpy thought I was dying and nearly had a panic attack. She thought it was all her fault and was praying to Celestia that I wouldn’t die,” I mused.

A voice perked up from behind me, “That’s not that funny,” Twilight responded and I let out a sigh. ‘Figures she’d come in and ruin my story.’

“Well sure it is. We both laughed afterwards and she got over it. Come on Twilight, you should know that a shelf of food collapsing on me isn’t gonna kill me,” I chuckled. She sat next to me and shook her head in a disappointed fashion as she picked up the cereal box and observed the nutritional data.

“You guys shouldn’t be eating this. It’s not good for your health,” she warned. I poured myself a second bowl, ignoring her words of warning. Twilight rolled her eyes and she too poured herself a bowl.

“That stuff isn’t good for you yah know,” I mocked her, resulting with her shooting me a playful glare. “I’m just saying,” I laughed. I brushed aside the hair in front of my face then let out a sigh.

“So Evan…” Twilight stopped for a moment and looked to me, mouthing the cereal around inside her mouth. I nodded silently and she continued, “When do you want to go with me to see my parents?” she asked.

“Oh shit…” I swore, having completely forgotten that I agreed to go with her to see her parents. I looked to Spike and shrugged. “Sorry, it slipped,” I apologized for my rude language then scratched my chin.

“Well…” I began. “I’m not really one for looking fancy but…” I trailed off as I begrudgingly muttered out the last part. “I think I need to get a haircut and shave to look presentable,” I told her and she raised an eyebrow.

“You… YOU, want to look presentable? You of all ponies,” she laughed, knowing I wasn’t much to dress up for these sorts of things. I rolled my eyes and bobbed my head back and forth.

“Yeah, yeah… I just need a haircut is all,” I replied. She chuckled to herself, amused at the fact that I wanted to look nice.

I quickly finished my breakfast then moved to the sink. “You know what they say…” I trailed off as I washed the bowl in the sink.

“No. What do they say?” Twilight asked, still munching on the cereal that was ‘bad for us’.

“Somepony’s first impressions are made within the first five to seven seconds of meeting you, based off looks entirely,” I informed her and she giggled.

“Oh great. Let me guess? You’ve been hanging around Rarity lately, haven’t you?” she asked. I shuddered from the memory of our brief encounter. It being the only encounter, I didn’t exactly have fond memories of her.

“Yeah… hey, is there a barber in town?” I asked and Twilight stirred around the final bits that still lingered in the bowl of milk.

“Well… I’m sure Rarity would do it, seeing as how you’re ‘such good friends,’” she told me with a smile, putting extreme emphasis on the term. I was about to write off the very idea, but then realized it might be a good way to make amends, or in this case, have a proper introduction.

A deep exhale left my mouth and I nodded. “Yeah… that might work,” I replied, turning and moseying down to my room. I had no idea how I was going to approach this, ‘Hey Rarity, nice to see you again.’ The thought lingered in my mind the whole time while I slipped on my socks and boots.

I sucked in a deep breath, then exhaled. “Okay Burdy…” I was cut off by a tugging at my pant leg. I looked down to see Spike there, a needy look on his face.

“Can I come with you? Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?” he pleaded. I scratched my head and pondered the idea. It would indeed make this entire situation a lot easier with a youngling there.

“Sure,” I told him with a smile. ‘Things might have just gotten easier.’

The door swung open and we were greeted by the white unicorn with the dazzling purple mane. “Why hello Spike, and hello…” her smile quickly died off and she gulped. Seeing me must’ve obviously brought up some memories neither of us were very happy about.

I faintly waved my hand. “Uhm… Hey Rarity… Supp?” I asked, feeling like a complete dork. Her cheeks burned red with either a blush of timidness, or anger. I was praying it was the earlier of the list.

“I… I… please, come in,” she welcomed us into her shop gracefully. I still wasn’t sure whether she was mad about me coming being here, or completely embarrassed. She looked to Spike, then to me. “Spike, could you be a dear and fetch me a glass of water… with ice please?” she asked in a sultry voice.

Spike seemed to get googly eyed and floated off, almost as if in his own little world. We both watched him walk into the kitchen. As soon as he was out of sight, our glances moved to each other. She was the first to speak.

“Darling listen… about the other day, I…” she trailed off as she began to think about the proper way to approach this.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized and she looked up to me with a shocked look. I rolled my eyes and looked away with an embarrassed look. “The nurse at the hospital gave me a funky potion that gave me a ridiculous boner that wouldn’t go away. I should’ve gotten Twilight to pick up my clothes,” I informed her. “So… I’m sorry.”

It took a moment for it to register in her thoughts before she let out a sigh. “And I’m sorry too darling. In the midst of everything I was just trying to cover it up. I didn’t mean to do that,” she apologized and I nodded.

“No biggy. Oh actually… I have one question?” I asked and she raised an eyebrow. “Was I really that good looking?” I asked, getting a little boastful due to the fact she had quickly rushed to the shower right after seeing me nude.

She blushed furiously. “Darling…” she trailed off as she tried to think of an excuse. I fist pumped as I let out a silent cheer. She gave me a weird look.

“Nothing. Just a personal score for me,” I informed her. She rolled her eyes.

“Boastfulness is unattractive. Your body is… different, but very appealing due to your… stunning physique,” she expressed her feelings in a true nature.

“Meh, don’t fret. I’m not really boastful, I just thought it was cool that someone as beautiful as you thought I was… sexy!” To the final comment she blushed a bit, then I remembered the real reason I had come here. “So, that put aside, I need to ask a favor of you. If you wouldn’t mind.”

She raised a curious eyebrow, wondering what I could possibly want. I tuffed my hair and swayed it around. “You think by chance you could give me a haircut? And a shave?” I asked casually. She stood there for a moment, still not exactly sure if I was serious or just dicking around.

“Really?” she asked and I nodded. “You’re not joking?” I shook my head. “Darling, you don’t seriously want to get rid of that beautiful mane of yours.”

The final statement forced me to stifle a laugh. “For one: it’s not a mane, it’s hair. And secondly: yes, I do want it gone. It’s too long,” I informed her.

“Why not go to a barber? There’s one in Ponyville,” she stated and I shrugged.

“I just figured I’d come here. The way you can weave dresses and such, I figured you’d be just as good with cutting hair… that and I wanted to clear everything that happened and make sure we saw eye to eye,” I informed her.

A voice called out from the kitchen. “Rarity, where’s the ice?” Spike called out.

“In the freezer darling,” Rarity called back in her calm and nearly royal like voice. Looking back to me, she pulled up a seat and some sort of black looking bib.

I sat down on the chair and she wrapped the bib around my neck. “Okay darling, how do you want it?” she asked in a hushed tone while she placed a small mirror in front of me.

“Three on the top, one on the sides, please,” I replied. There was a moment’s pause and then a click. I looked through the mirror to see her fidgeting with the hair buzzer.

“Okay dear, try to hold still,” she ordered me, though her voice made it sound like more of a pleading request. Gosh, a stallion might fight to the death just to hear her speak.

I heard the buzzer flick on and hum, just inches behind my neck. The hairs along my spine prickled up and a shiver went down my back. The buzzer neared my neck and, just as the blades began to cut my hair, my back naturally arched.

I heard Rarity gasp as she pulled the razor back. “Oh Celestia! I didn’t hurt you did I?” she asked fearfully. I shook my head and sighed.

“Sorry about that. I have a nervous twitch with buzzers. Just whenever they get near the back of my neck it sends a tingly feeling down my spine,” I replied. A second shiver went down my back and I gave a powerful roll of my shoulders, sending a third and final shiver down my back.

I let out a deep exhale then nodded. “Okay… I’ll try to keep still,” I told her. As she once again began to cut the hair around the back of my neck, tingly feelings shivered down my back, but I resisted the urge to arch my back.

Spike came rushing into the living room, or whatever this room was, and handed Rarity the drink. “Thank you dear,” she thanked him as she set the glass aside, continuing to cut my hair carefully.

I glanced over to Spike, only to realize that he had a dreamy look on his face while he was staring at me. ‘What the fuck? Spike’s not gay… is he?’ I thought to myself. ‘Oh please god, don’t let Spike be gay for me,’ I prayed silently.

Almost as if a brick wall hit me, I realized something. The stunning beauty that was cutting my hair was directly behind me. Perhaps Spike was staring dreamily at Rarity. Yeah, that must’ve been it, there’s no way Spike’s gay.

Before I could finish my thoughts, Rarity began to spray my head with some sort of squirt bottle that misted water fumes onto my hair. She then began to use a hairdryer to dry it up. As she continued on, I realized this was turning into more of a perm than a haircut.

She finished by tuffing my hair with her hooves before nodding. “There darling, what do you think?” she asked. Before I could answer, Spike spoke up.

“Perfect,” he replied in a still dazed voice. She partly ignored his comment and leaned on my shoulder as we both looked into the mirror.

I brushed my hair. Somehow she had made it into more of a flattop haircut, making me have a Schwarzenegger appearance. “Do you like it darling?” she asked hopefully.

I shook my head as I continued to stroke my hair. “No… I don’t like it,” I said truthfully and she gasped. I stood up, discarding the bib, and looked to her. I grabbed her and brought her into a hug. “I friggin love it!” I said in a bubbly voice.

“You… you love it?” she asked and I stood back from the hug.

“Uhh yeah! Hello? Equestria to Rarity, this is like… the coolest haircut ever! It’s probably the best haircut ever given in the history of Equestria,” I told her. Her face slowly crept into a bigger smile and she leapt on me, hugging me tightly.

“Oh thank you darling,” she thanked me for… well, I wasn’t sure why she was thanking me. She dropped back down to all fours and took a breath of air. “Not many ponies thank me for my work, and when they do, it usually isn’t to that extent,” she informed me.

Without warning, she reached forwards and brushed some hair off my shoulder. “You should probably take a shower. You remember where it is?” she asked and I nodded. Looking over, she levitated over the glass of water that Spike had brought her. “And thank you Spike. You’re such a dear,” she said in a very illustrious voice.

As I made my way up the stairs, I swore that I heard Spike’s body hit the floor with a thump. I looked back to see that he had fallen unconscious. I rolled my eyes and shrugged as I continued towards the washroom.

It didn’t surprise me that the washroom was the same as the last time I was here. It was nice because now I knew exactly where the towels were. Again I was stuck with a frilly towel that had probably cost a hefty bit.

I slipped into the shower and fiddled with the nozzles, and that’s when I noticed it. The dildo was gone. Not that it was any of my business, but I did notice that it was no longer present.

I put myself in a bit of a rush, washing off as quickly as I could, using a fruity smelling shampoo to wash myself down, and finally turning off the shower before drying off. The towel felt nice, that was for sure. The purple towel felt more like a very absorbent silk, yet somehow it retained a dry feeling the whole time I dried myself off.

Putting on my clothes, which were still technically clean since I had only worn them for part of the morning, I tossed the towel over my shoulder and proceeded downstairs. As I reached the living room, I looked to see Spike ogling over Rarity, who wasn’t paying much attention to his advances. ‘Poor guy,’ I thought silently.

“Hey Rarity?” I asked and she quickly looked over. “Where do you want this towel?” I asked. She pulled it from my grip with her magic and placed it over on a drying rack. Our smiles met and I gave her a nod. “Well, thanks for the haircut Rarity,” I thanked her as I placed thirty bits on the table.

“What’s this? Oh darling, you don’t have to pay me,” she gasped and I shrugged.

“Sure I do. Services rendered. And besides, it’s the best damn haircut I’ve ever had… ever,” I informed her. She smiled brightly and I swear I almost spotted a tear trickle down her face. I nudged Spike with my knee, snapping him back to reality. “Come on Spike, we should go home,” I told him.

An hour later…

My truck held a steady pace heading up the mountain trail. I smirked as I looked to the bull horns that protruded from the top of the hood. The tires gripped the mountain trail rather well and it was easy to handle the truck up the incline.

This was probably the first time Twilight had actually came for a ride with me. Though she had inspected the insides before, she had never actually come with me, and neither had Spike.

Spike sat in the passenger seat while Twilight lay across the entire back seat. “You know… I think Rarity has had a massive impact on both your lives,” Twilight giggled, making Spike blush while I simply groaned and rolled my eyes.

I reached my right hand down and felt the fabrics of my dark brown trench coat, made of synthetic wool. I hadn’t worn this that much, and was somewhat lucky that it had been lingering around in my truck when I was transported to Equestria. I thought to myself about everything. At first I had thought it was the worst possible thing: freakishly friendly multi-colored ponies with magic, mythical creatures, all that kinda stuff. But I suppose I was rather lucky. I had a duffle bag of clothes, my old cowboy hat, my truck, a few of my guns and ammo. I suppose that things could be worse.

I had changed into a light brown pair of trousers with a bright white V-neck t-shirt. My black watch was latched around my wrist and I had my Christian cross necklace dangling underneath my t-shirt. The necklace was a silver metal substance, though I wasn’t sure if it was actual silver or just some knockoff.

My wedding ring felt a tad bit loose on my ring finger, but it didn’t bother me that much. “You know Evan, I’m not sure how my parents will feel about us being together,” she teased.

“Oh come on Twilight. It’s not like we’re dating. You’re just my teacher. They shouldn’t be all that freaked out… right?” I asked hesitantly.

“Ohh… I don’t know. My dad was always ‘really’ protective,” she replied. I groaned, thinking about just how much of a bad idea this might be. She gave me a nudge to the back of my shoulder. “Don’t worry, my family is pretty lenient to stallions being in my life,” she told me.

“Well, if they aren’t all that accepting about it, why’d you take me as your faithful student?” I asked curiously, still fretting about this whole idea. She simply blushed then sat back in her seat.

The truck rumbled onto the streets of Canterlot and Twilight directed me around to her parent’s place.

‘Man… Canterlot is really high class,’ I thought to myself. The streets looked to be made of cobblestone and the ponies were all ritzy looking. Now that I think about it, minus a select few, most ponies never really wore clothes, but most all the ponies in Canterlot had some fancy smancy dress or tuxedo on.

Though despite most of Canterlot being really swanky and high-class, her parent’s place looked a little more middle-class. ‘Whew, at least they’re not a bunch of ritzy bastards,’ I thought to myself.

Spike easily opened the doors, guess hands do come in handy. The three of us stepped out and that’s when I realized it. Everypony in the streets were staring at me. I was severely out of place here, not just my clothes, but my very existence in this place.

I paced to the back of my truck and opened one of the toolboxes. I grabbed the case labelled ‘Heather’ and pulled it out. Inside was a Norinco 870 clone, with a fourteen inch barrel. Although I wasn’t much of a Chinese-pro gun guy, I did like a few of the models they offered, though this was the only Norinco I owned.

I slipped three 2¾ inch shells into the tubular magazine, but left the gun chamber unloaded. I slung it across my back, barrel facing downwards. The trench coat flaps did decently well to conceal the firearm, though most wouldn’t even know what it was.

I closed the toolbox and made my way towards the passenger side, where Twilight and Spike were waiting. Twilight gave me a nod which I returned before all three of us proceeded up the front steps of the house.

Twilight used her magic to knock with the little door knocker thing that was hanging from a hinge. ‘Point goes to Victorian age,’ I thought to myself. The hinge looked like that of a lion head, while the little knocker piece looked like reins for a horse.

The door opened and a grey mare answered. She had a purple and white streaked mane along with medium blue eyes. She stood for a moment before gasping. “Twilight… Spike!” she whispered in a hushed tone, completely shocked to see them.

Twilight grabbed, whom I presumed to be her mom, and held her tightly. “Hello mom. Sorry that it’s been so long since I visited. It’s just that I’ve been busy,” she explained. A blue stallion entered the doorway and Twilight grabbed him as well, taking him off guard while a shocked look sprawled across his face.

“Twilight, how have you been?” asked the stallion as he returned the hug. Spike and I just stood in the doorway. The trio of family members conversed briefly before the stallion looked to me with his amber coloured eyes.

“And whom might you be?” he asked.

“I’m Princess Twilight’s personal bodyguard,” I replied in a deep voice, making the lie completely believable. Twilight gave me a brief nudge to the leg.

“This is Evan. He’s my faithful student,” Twilight truthfully informed her parents.

“I’m like an unpaid mercenary for her,” I joked, again resulting with a nudge to my leg. The two parents looked up at me, wandering looks covered my body as they observed my framework.

“Indeed, well please come in,” Twilight’s mother offered. We all entered and sat by the living room table. This place reminded me more of a 50’s home; furnished wood, classy furniture, an old radio on a stand, those kinds of things.

Twilight and her parents began conversing about all the things that have been happening recently. Her dad kept asking questions about me, all the while I kept quiet and left Twilight to do all the talking.

He seemed reasonably impressed, though didn’t show it much. Soon enough, Twilight and her mom got up and walked into the kitchen with Spike, leaving her dad and I all alone.

“So… Mr.?” I asked, hoping to get his name.

“Sparkle. Mr. Sparkle,” he replied.

“No first name?” I asked, and he shook his head.

“You’ll call me Mr. Sparkle, if you plan on being with my daughter,” he replied and I chuckled.

“Woah! Hold up now, hit the brakes. Nopony said nothin’ about us being together. She’s my teacher and is becoming more like my mom. She’s not… well, you know. We’re not… together,” I laughed. He leaned forwards with a stern look and I gulped, this was going bad fast.

In the kitchen, third person perspective:

Twilight looked to her mother who sat across from her. “Mom?” she asked and her mother nodded. “How did you catch dad’s attention?” she asked, wondering just how exactly she made her father fall in love with her.

“Easy,” her mother began. “I simply asked him to be my special somepony,” she informed her daughter. Twilight was taken aback by the comment. Twilight’s mother rested a hoof on her still young daughter. “Honey, you must learn that sometimes a stallion may love you back, but he is too shy to admit it. So you must be the one to take the first step,” her mother informed her.

“So how did you do it?” Twilight asked and her mother simply shrugged.

“In high school, your father was on the chess club and I was a cheerleader,” she informed her daughter. “As the school prom neared, everypony on the cheer-leading team got a very special somepony to go to the prom with, but me… well…” she trailed off and looked to the ceiling, just as a tear dribbled from her face.

She looked back down to her daughter and smiled. “Well, needless to say I wasn’t big on the whole self-esteem thing, so I was a little more than shy. Your father and I were relatively good friends and I went to ask him what I should do. He seemed rather shy about the entire topic and couldn’t keep a straight sentence going. He could generally speak with ease, I knew it because I had heard him talk with friends in the hallways before. It was then I realized that he might have a harboring crush on me, so I took the first step and asked him to be my special somepony for the prom,” she finished with a smile.

“So…” Twilight trailed off and let out a defeated exhale. “How do I know if somepony likes me or not?” she asked and her mother shrugged.

“You might never really know. Sometimes you might just have to take that leap of faith. Just remember not to push it on them,” her mother informed Twilight, who in turn nodded.

All the while, Spike just sat at the table, scoffing back treats that Twilight’s mother had brought out, not even remotely interested in their conversation.

Back in the living room, Evan’s perspective:

“And I’m telling you, we’re not dating, and never will be. It’s not like that between us,” I tried to argue quietly. He let out an irritated scowl.

“I know my daughter well, and I see how she looks to you. I don’t care whether you love her or not, don’t hurt my daughter’s feelings,” he warned.

“I don’t plan to. Just stop acting like the two of us are in love,” I responded. He flopped back in his chair and let out a disgruntled sigh.

“You are so dense! You can’t see the loving mare right in front of you,” he told me and I raised an eyebrow.

“You’re a mare?” I asked and he again let out an irritated grunt. He tossed his hooves into the air in absolute defeat.

“You are truly lost if you can’t see my daughter’s advances towards you. She loves you, I know it,” he scolded me.

I rolled my eyes. “Of course she loves me. A parent is supposed to love their kid,” I replied and again he threw his hooves into the air.

“Can you stop being so dense for just one moment and think about it?” he asked. I thought about it and, like always, she just seemed like a motherly loving figure.

“She’s my mom… oh wait, I know why you don’t like how this is going,” I stated and he raised an eyebrow. “You don’t want a grandchild because you’ll feel old,” I spoke my thoughts and her father facehoofed.

“Oh for the love of… you’re worse than I was,” he began. ‘Oh goodie, story time,’ I thought.

“When I was in high school I was on the chess club,” he began, but I interrupted him.

“Were you good?” I asked and he nodded. “Like, really good?” I asked and he sighed.

“I won the Canterlot championship. Now back on topic, when I was in high school,” but again I interrupted him.

“Were you popular?” I asked and he rolled his eyes.

“Can you just let me continue?” he asked.

“So I take it you weren’t popular. You should’ve started with, ‘In high school I wasn’t popular.’” I told him. He facehoofed and let out an irritated groan.

“Like I was saying… in high school I was on the chess club, and yes, I wasn’t the most talked about colt in school. Every mare had her eyes on the star hoofball players, or the basketball players, or really any of the sport team players who had a good physique. Nopony really cared about the chess club,” he continued his story. “Twilight’s mother was one of the mares on the cheerleading team. Every stallion knew her, maybe not by name, but they knew her by her looks,” he informed me.

I scratched my chin as he continued his story. “Anyway, her and I… we were good friends, but I could never muster up the courage to ask her out. I knew she was WAY out of my league. And then came the high school prom…” he trailed off and let out a deep exhale.

“Is that the end of the story?” I asked and he shot me a glare. “What? It sounded like you ended the story there,” I stated.

He rolled his eyes then continued. “Anyway, she came to me and asked for my opinion about what she should do. I was so choked up about it, I wanted to say ‘Take me, I’ll be your special somepony.’ But I knew that I never stood a chance. I kept trying to name off stallions who might take her, but every name I offered just made my heart lurch for her more and more…” he trailed off and I raised an eyebrow.

“So you asked her out?” I asked and he shook his head. “So you didn’t ask her out. So how the hell did you two end up together?” I asked and he sighed.

“Luckily she was a bit more courageous than I was. She asked me out, right then and there. We went to the prom as a couple, and although we didn’t win the prom king and queen, we were already deeply in love,” he told me.

I scratched my head. “Okay… so what was the moral of that story and how does it apply to me?” I asked and his head drooped.

“What I’m trying to say is that maybe Twilight is in love with you, she is just too shy to say so,” he told me. I let out a sigh.

“Okay, for the last time, we don’t love each other. She’s a princess, and partially my mom, and I’m just a guy from another planet… another universe. She obviously doesn’t see me that way and could have any stallion she wanted,” I countered.

He smiled. “My colt, sometimes you’ll learn that a mare’s heart is truly mysterious. And it’s not something to tamper with. All I ask is that you don’t hurt my daughter’s feelings,” he told me. I nodded and he smiled. “Thanks, I was hoping you’d agree…” he trailed off and let out a nervous chuckle. “There’s not much point to me threatening you is there?” he laughed. I joined in and we shared a joke or two before Twilight entered the room with her mother and Spike.

We all sat and conversed for the next few hours and, before I knew it, it was time for Twilight, Spike, and myself to depart. We gave a farewell and, just before I left, Twilight’s father grabbed me. I looked to him and he pulled my head down so he could whisper in my ear. “Just remember, don’t hurt my daughter’s feelings, or else,” he whispered.

I stood up and nodded. “Trust me sir, we’re not in love, probably never will be… at least not in the way you’re thinking. But I’ll remember that,” I told him and he nodded. I gave one last nod before proceeding to the back of my truck, unloading my shotgun and putting it away.

I stepped into my truck and started it. This time Twilight was in the passenger seat and Spike was in the back. “Looks like you and my father get along really well,” Twilight mused and I nodded.

In my best Schwarzenegger voice I responded, “Oh yeah, we get along like ol’ frien’s.”

Author's Notes:

I went to Wendy's last night, got my dog a chicken burger and she liked it. Then I shared my frosty with her (And yes, with the same spoon, they only give you one in the drivethru) I was like "Some for you (give her a spoonful) some for me (Eat a spoonful) some for you (Give her a spoonful) and some for me..." yeah anyway, it was kind of funny because she'd like the underside of the spoon as well, then when it was my turn she'd be like "Hey, what gives, yer hoggin all the icecream man!"