It was a royal pain in the ass, catching up to Twilight Sparkle. Especially considering the fact that she had an extra pair of legs. The strange pair of pony and dragon had a pretty decent lead on him, though it didn’t take him too long to catch up.

Ryan huffed and puffed, eventually slowing his mad sprinting to a quick jog beside the considerably upset unicorn. Spike bounced along unhappily on her back, clinging desperately to her mane.

“And besides that, I’m still hungry!” the dragon complained, gesturing to his stomach.

“Didn’t you just eat an entire tray of waffles by yourself?” Twilight asked, agitated. Hey, so long as her attention wasn’t focused on him.

“Seriously, where the fuck does he put those things?” Ryan said breathlessly. Whoops. He regretted speaking, as Twilight’s head snapped around and she gave him an infuriated glare.

“… What?”

“Don’t you what me, mister!” she scolded angrily. “Do you have any idea of the complications you’ve caused due to your little ‘stunt’ back there? Applejack is never going to forgive me for letting you into her home!”

“Hey, it ain’t my fault their waffles taste like ass. If they weren’t so bad, I probably wouldn’t have had any time for talkin’. Christ, what’d they make ‘em with, dirt and grass?”

“Hay, actually.” Spike spoke up supportively.

Ryan jogged next to Twilight, shaking his head. That would probably explain why he felt like his stomach was rebelling against him so violently. People just weren’t meant to eat hay. “Bleauck.” He needed meat, dammit.

After a couple of minutes of relative uncomfortable silence, Ryan asked “So… this, uh, rare guy. He’s really got steak?”

Twilight sighed, and shook her head. “Her name is Rarity. And just so you know, the only reason I’m going to introduce you to her is to make sure that you don’t make the same mistakes you just did.”

If that were the case, then wouldn’t it make more sense to avoid introducing him to anyone else?

“Hey, fuck you, Purple. I’m not gonna be trained like some puppy.”

“We’ll see.”

Of all the things she could have said, that one happened to feel the most ominous. Almost as if she knew something that he didn’t. It left a nasty feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Come to think of it, maybe that was the hay waffles.

It took them nearly half an hour of straight silent jogging to reach the outskirts of Ponyville. Twilight seemed to be handling the pace they kept fairly well, but Ryan looked pretty worn out. Sweat was pouring down his forehead, and the midday sun didn’t do anything to help. He was gasping for breath by the time they stopped, and he was all to glad when Twilight put up a hoof in front of him to keep him from going any further.

“Okay, here’s the plan. No sneaking around this time, okay?”

How the hell she managed to say that as calmly as she did, as though she’d barely put any effort into the travel, Ryan didn’t know. It was his best guess that she was probably in better shape than him. That, and having extra legs helps.

Either that, or it was because of some freaky unicorn magic.

Ryan was really starting to dislike unicorns.

She motioned for him to follow, and he did so as best he could. His legs felt like Jell-O by this point, and moving more slowly was definitely welcome. It would at least give him time to catch his breath and get a look around.

And, from looking around at the number of ponies gathered in one place, cause a little mayhem while he was at it.

If anything, Twilight had definitely learned something from Ryan’s antics. She was quick, he’d give her that much.

“Oh, ho ho ho. No. Don’t even think about it.”

“What?” Ryan blurted defensively.

“We’re already getting strange enough looks as it is. We don’t need you causing a ruckus. Besides, we’re almost there.”

And, indeed, the strange trio certainly were getting quite a few odd looks. One burly pony, selling cherries from a stand, gaped at him for several moments before swiftly packing his things and closing up shop. Most of the other ponies around the town did the same, although there were a number of ponies that paid them next to no mind at all. Perhaps because of Twilight Sparkle’s influence, Ryan thought vaguely.

After all, she did seem to be rather well known. Most of the ponies they passed were all too eager to greet Twilight with a very warm smile, though they quickly backed off (or, in some cases, left immediately) when they saw Ryan.

Christ, he hadn’t had anyone reacting to him in fear this much since the Sharks.

Twilight, he could see, was already a little distressed over the fact that Ryan didn’t even have to do anything other than follow her to cause quite a bit of chaos through town, which made him grin.

“Turns out, your little plan didn’t work after all. Shame, that.” Ryan said disdainfully. His words were practically dripping in sarcasm.

“Oh, really? Care to elaborate?” Twilight said conversationally, trotting at an even pace toward what looked like a multistory building in the shape of a carousel. It was mainly white, from what he could tell, although it was loaded down with all sorts of oversized decorations.

Huh. Ponies on a carousel. Heh heh heh heh.

She really seemed far to upbeat for someone (somepony?) who’s plan just got foiled. Even if it was by inaction. “I, uh..” Ryan stuttered. “The locals…”

“Aren’t nearly in as much panic as they were when my friends and I dealt with Nightmare Moon.”

It took Ryan a split second before it clicked. Son of a bitch.

He had been too busy taking in all the sights, looking around at this new world to have bothered actually tormenting any of the locals, as he’d been planning on doing. Hell, he hadn’t even shot them any dirty glances. Twilight hadn’t bothered keeping him hidden, because she didn’t have to.

Apparently, Purple had some kind of history with the locals, which they seemed to be all too thankful for. Which could explain why some of the ponies didn’t close up shop when they saw Ryan walking with her.

That, and the next time he went through town, word probably would’ve gotten around pretty quickly that the giant hairless monkey was with Twilight fuckin’ Sparkle. Meaning his (much looked forward to) base of fear was steadily dwindling. He clenched his fists angrily, swinging them by his sides. Ryan was determined not to let Twilight see just how frustrated he was at being bamboozled.

And, of course, the smug little smile on her face dashed his hopes of that.

Ryan was really starting to hate unicorns.

Hell, even though the yellow Pegasus had made threats on his life, she hadn’t actually done anything to him. He’d even come out on top in the end. Or, so he thought.

Feet away from the door to the way too girly building, with a handy little sign labeled ‘Carousel Boutique’, a familiar voice floated down from overhead.

“Oh, hello there, Twilight!”

Speak of the devil, and he shall appear.

…

She. Whatever.

“Hmm?” Purple gazed up, confused. “Oh, hello again, Fluttershy. What are you doing here?”

“Why, I’m just checking up on my best friend, is all!” she said quietly, fluttering down next to Twilight. “After all, with such us being such good friends, I would be simply heartbroken to find out that something bad had happened to you, all because of some big, pink, hairless, stupid gorilla.”

Oh, yeah. It was time to suffer for that.

Apparently, Purple didn’t catch on to the venomous tone at the end. “Oh, well then. You don’t have to worry about me, Fluttershy, I can-“

“Oh, but I insist you sit down! You must be so exhausted, running around all day. Here, let me get a chair for you!” For somepony with such hushed words, she certainly seemed forceful about it. Much to Ryan’s surprise, the little yellow Pegasus heaved a couch out from behind a bush, shoving it with her head over to Twilight.

“Really, Fluttershy, you don’t- where did you get that couch?”

“Rarity – hnng – has them, stashed you – hhnk – see, all over. In case she has dramatic spells, you see?” Fluttershy huffed, presenting the couch to her friend.

Twilight deadpanned, finally understanding her reasoning.

“… I’m still not giving you the ticket.”

Fluttershy’s eye twitched, and for a brief moment, Ryan thought she was going to snap this time. Now, that would’ve been funny. He considered needling her to help things along, but decided to stay out of this one.

It takes less effort to watch someone dig their own grave than it does to pick up another shovel, after all.

“Really, now, Twilight!” Yellow reprimanded gently. “I only want to ensure that my good friend has plenty of rest b-“ Fluttershy was promptly cut off as the door to Carousel Boutique flung open, knocking her back. It hit her in the face with a dull bunk! sound, and she squeaked in surprise.

“Oh, my goodness! Fluttershy, I didn’t see you there, darling, are you quite alr- WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA IS THAT!?”

Yeah, he really should be getting used to that by now.

Twilight sighed heavily, pulling a bright pink bubble around Ryan, and he felt the (unfortunately familiar) weightlessness of being levitated. He swore he was going to figure out how to pop those, eventually. And he was going to pop the hell out of them. Regardless of whether or not they could hear him, Ryan had been on the verge of giving Purple a piece of his mind – hell, maybe his foot while he was at it – when he discovered a very large and colorful display of tape measures, fabric, pins, needles, and scissors flying directly at his head with a low blue glow around them.

Each of the items bounced of the protective shield, either dropping harmlessly to the ground or ricocheting at high speeds around him.

Well.

… It slowly occurred to Ryan that Purple had probably just saved his life.

The deplorable acts of kindness continue.

And, just to top things off, the one he supposed was Rarity had a glowing horn, too. Yay, more freakin’ magic.

Ryan was positive he now hated unicorns.

This particular unicorn had an indigo hairdo… mane. Whatever. And matching tail, to boot. Three diamond markings could be seen on one side of her flank, although when she turned, he found that the same markings appeared on both sides. Huh. That was the kind of thing he really should have noticed before, because it applied to Yellow and Purple as well. He could see Purple and Yellow explaining the situation to Whitey, although Yellow kept throwing him several nasty glares when the others weren’t looking.

Ryan politely showed her the universal symbol for, ‘Please fuck off’.

Turns out, even without fingers, she got the message.

As the pink bubble slowly lowered and disintegrated, he made a show of dusting himself off more collectively calm than he actually felt. “So,” he shot a snarky remark at Fluttershy. “you really should get that twitch looked at. Can’t be good for you.”

Fluttershy stuttered, cowering behind her friends.

“I… I have no idea what you’re talking about…” she mumbled, cringing behind them even further. If he hadn’t known what she was actually like, her little display might have actually fooled him into thinking that she was uncertain of herself or something. That had been her one major mistake, really; the initial threat was all it took to shatter any illusions she may have projected.

“I.. see.” Rarity said to Twilight, giving the human a once-over glance. “Well, I can certainly see why Celestia might want him there, but… in such a horrid state? Oh, tsk tsk tsk. Something simply must be done. Come along, darling!” Whitey called to him, trotting inside.

Huh. This pony had gotten over her xenophobia pretty quickly. It made Ryan wonder exactly what Purple had said to her. He reluctantly stomped inside in front of Twilight and Fluttershy, although glad to be in the shade, he stopped to breath in deeply.

He immediately regretted it upon discovering the smell of burning… cereal.

“Well, we won’t be trying that again, will we Sweetie Belle – what the…?”

A pair of ponies stood in the kitchen, one much older than the other. Gauging from the size of the smaller one, he’d say it was probably a filly. This one had a light pink and purple mane, flowing down around the small unicorn horn. Why were there so damned many unicorns?

The larger one, probably her mother, gaped at him as he strode into Carousel Boutique. Well, more like crouched and shuffled his way inside, but you get the picture.

“Uh… ‘sup. I’m followin’ Whitey.” He said, pointing in the direction Rarity had gone, which was upstairs. The two stared at him blankly, as if they couldn’t believe what they were seeing.

They were probably in awe of his charm and silver tongue.

“No, no, no! This won’t do at all!”

Rarity seemed thoroughly distressed, although not for the reasons Ryan might have hoped.

She continuously poked and prodded him, running tape measure after tape measure along his every limb multiple times, checking and re-checking her calculations.

Apparently, Twilight Sparkle’s idea of teaching him to get along with someone (somepony) else was to lock them in a room together.

This did not seem like a good idea.

“You’ll be fine, so long as you behave yourself,” she had said, latching the door behind him. Fluttershy stood behind Twilight, glaring at him. And, considering the fact that Whitey had nearly murdered him with a bunch of sewing crap, chances were that Twilight was right. He didn’t like his odds of escape with a creature that had telekinesis on its side.

Rarity had him standing on a small stepstool in the center of the room, continuously placing piece after piece of fabric against him, pulling up a new one and throwing away the other. He supposed it helped to calm her down, being drawn into her work. You know, instead of focusing on the fact that a hairless alien was staring her in the face. The pony grumbled quite a bit, and moaned loudly as if she were in pain every time she came across a stain or rip.

According to Twilight, the only way he was leaving this room was when Rarity confirmed that they were, indeed, getting along splendidly.

That, or he could just throw the damned pony out the window and climb down through the hole.

“So… uh… you… get out a lot?” Ryan asked conversationally, and the unicorn used her magic to gently push his arms up until they stuck straight out. He looked like a retarded mummy who forgot bandages.

Oh, wait. He did have bandages.

“Absolutely, darling,” Whitey said distractedly, running another tape measure down his leg. “I run a tidy little business here, you see.”

“Ah, yeah. Fashion crap. I got a friend who does that. Gayer than a pink cupcake, too, so no real surprise there.”

“No, I don’t think I have anything with cupcakes,” Rarity said, eyes running over the fabrics. He was beginning to get the feeling she wasn’t really paying attention to him. And it was annoying as hell.

He’d sort of gotten used to receiving large amounts of people’s… uh, ponies’ attention during his short stay. This one was starting to throw off the status quo. She ‘tsk’ed again at the sight of his faded jeans, running a hoof over his left leg. She wound her way up from his heel, slowly feeling up to just above his kneecap. Her hoof bumped over it, and he hissed lightly.

Rarity cocked an eyebrow at that, but continued. “Problem, dear?”

“Just fuckin’ peachy,” he replied through gritted teeth. Just thinking about that particular spot on his leg brought back some nasty memories, all of which he rather not go through right now.

“Very well. This material isn’t very pliable, you know,” she said slowly, thinking. “Ugh. And so filthy! You realize, dear, that this simply must be burned. Preferably as soon as possible. Sweet Celestia, how anypony could allow such a grimy abomination to see the light of day is far beyond me.”

“Hey, fuck you, horse. Nobody talks down to you about your pants.”

“I’m not wearing pants, darling.”

Ryan blinked, and snickered at that. True, the ponies here were technically all naked. He made certain to bring that up again with Twilight the next time he wanted to cause her trouble. Rarity coughed, gesturing to him with an open hoof.

“… What?”

“The clothes, dear. I’m simply unable to get decent measurements for new ones while you’re wearing those.” She cried.

Oh.

Aw, hell no.

“Aw, hell no.”

Well, he spoke his mind, at least.

“Now, darling, let’s just get this over with as quickly as possible. You’re coated in mud, filth, and… is that blood, as well?” she asked, gently running a hoof over his shirt. “What have those brutes put you through, you poor thing?” she wailed, and with the noise she’d been making, Ryan was pretty certain that at any moment Twilight was going to burst in the door, accusing him of stabbing a pony or something. Which actually sounded like something he’d do.

“They, uh… gave me waffles.”

Rarity snorted loudly, helping him to remove his shirt without brushing the bandages on his head too badly. “I see,” she grumbled, deftly placing his shirt onto a work bench beside her as she resumed measurements. “Made of what, hammers and nails?”

“Actually, I think they’re made with hay.”

Rarity smiled at that, and she gingerly took a measurement from his armpit to his fingertip, back around up the arm to his neck, and around to his back.

It would appear that Rarity really had no ideas about human anatomy.

“Darling, have you branded yourself?”

“Huh?” he asked, turning suddenly.

Rarity held up a couple of mirrors telekinetically, showing him his back. Of course, he already knew about that.

On his back was the black outline of the maw of a shark, wide open. The teeth were very long and sharp, jutting down in black ink. It covered nearly his entire back, going from shoulder to shoulder, all the way down to his hips. Of course he knew about it. He just didn’t want to think about it.

It was the mandatory initiation motif of the Sharks.

“I, uh… I just need a little more for now.” Ryan sputtered nervously, desperately trying to keep his act together. It wouldn’t do to fall apart now, after all that work he’d gone through.

“Nah, it’s all good, man.” Carlos said with a hearty chuckle, shaking his hand energetically. When he pulled away, he found a fair sized roll of bills, wrapped in a rubber band tucked in his hand. “I know you’ll pay it back. You’re good for it this time. I know you’ll pay it back – no interest this time. It’s on me.”

Ryan was sweating in fear, though he did his absolute best not to show it. Carlos, his long time friend.

Now the leader of the infamous Sharks.

The goddamn leader.

It was amazing, how quickly Carlos had taken charge. More amazing, really, was how well he kept the gang together. For a crime boss, that sort of talent was invaluable. And Carlos had it in spades. After the old boss, Victor, had ‘mysteriously’ bitten the dust, Carlos stepped up first and took charge like he was a natural. As a matter of fact, things were even better than they were with Victor in charge. Or, at least, there was a lot more money coming in, and a hell of a lot more obedience.

“Of… of course I’ll pay you back, Carlos. You know me. Good ol’, reliable me.” Ryan choked, and it felt like a golf ball was lodged in his throat. He wasn’t certain if that was the guilt getting to him, or the fear of what was going to happen to him if anything went wrong.

But he couldn’t let himself think like that. Nothing would go wrong.

His twin cousins needed the money, and badly – especially after how they’d been practically orphaned not too long ago. They needed all the help they could get.

Nothing would go wrong. That is, unless somebody actually caught up to him. And that wasn’t going to happen. Carlos’s own mother was helping him arrange for the 'trip'. Unbeknownst to Carlos, of course.

Nothing would go wrong.

“Darling? You’re looking a tad bit green around the gills, and – oh, do you even have gills? I hadn’t bothered to check for those…”

“Huh?” Ryan said, shaking his head to rid himself of the memory. No use digging open old wounds. “Nah, I’m good.” he said. He hadn’t realized just how much that particular memory had shaken him. His palms were sweating, and he felt like he was going to be sick. He doubted the hay waffles had too much to do with it, this time.

“Oh, very well then.” She said unsatisfactorily. “Continue.”

Ryan blinked, and stared at her. “… What?”

“Continue, darling.”

“...Continue what?”

The unicorn gestured with her head at the rest of his clothes, and he glared at her angrily. “Aw, fuck no.”

“Dear, must we really go through this with every article of clothing? How many do you… things, even need, anyway?”

“Humans. And as many as we damned well please,” he breathed aggressively, crossing his arms across his bare chest. He hadn’t noticed before just how drafty it was in this room. Then again, with as much as he had been sweating before, that was really a nice change of pace.

Whitey sighed, the floating measuring tapes drooping. For a moment, Ryan thought he had won.

Then, a split second later, he felt a jerk and heard a rather loud rip!

Ryan fucking hated unicorns.

“Oh, come on!” he shouted, doing his best to cover his… manly bits with his hands.

“Yes, yes, darling, I know, it’s just so atrocious walking around without pants,” Rarity said sarcastically, using her telekinesis to levitate more measuring tapes around him. She quickly jotted down some numbers on a clipboard floating in front of him, and smiled to herself.

“Hm. I thought I’d find your cutie mark somewhere. Although, I must admit, I’ve never seen any cutie mark that was a name before. Are you particularly good at doing… Juanita, is it?”

“Yeah, about five or six times,” Ryan groaned aloud. “Now, I don’t go asking embarrassing questions about your ass tattoos. All I ask is that you do the same.”

Rarity gave him a confused look, and after she had finished with her measurements (which he was pretty certain by this point was just an excuse to get a look at his rear,) she said “Oh, cutie marks aren’t tattoos, dear. Nothing so droll and mundane. A pony receives their cutie mark once they discover their special talent.” She levitated a couple of feet of cloth from a large spool nearby, and immediately set to work on Ryan’s new clothes.

“Explain.” He said grumpily, grateful for some distraction. Ryan was failing rather spectacularly at covering himself with his hands. He searched around for the tattered remains of his pants, but all he could find was his shirt, which he rapidly wrapped around his waist. Anything to distract him from the awkward fact that he and his pants were now uncomfortably separated. And that oh-so-appreciated draft didn’t feel quite so friendly anymore.

“Well, dear,” she said as she snipped at cut at the fabric, deftly sewing and working the collection of fabric into a wearable piece. “You see, a cutie mark is something that displays something about a pony. For example, mine is diamonds.”

“So, you dig for rocks?”

“Oh, heavens, no,” she giggled, but promptly stopped at the seemingly horrifying prospect of dirt. “I just design clothing, dear. Also, I’m apparently the holder of the Element of Generosity.”

“Uh… huh.”

“Ask Twilight about it, darli- ah!” she shrieked, placing her hoof in her mouth. Ryan jumped, until he realized that she’d accidentally stuck herself with the sewing needle.

“You, uh… okay over there?”

“Phfwine, dawwyng.” She said, muffled. Ryan sighed, and stepped off the small stepstool to make his way toward the unicorn. “Here. Lemme see.”

He gently took her hoof in his palm, inspecting it carefully. Indeed, she’d pricked herself fairly deeply; it was still bleeding, though there wasn’t too much of it. He sighed, and grabbed a scrap of the fabric and began wrapping it around her hoof as a makeshift bandage.

“That’s really not necessary, dear,” Rarity began, but Ryan cut her off.

“Bullshit, now just hold still. You can’t fix any clothes if you’re busy bleeding everywhere, right?” he finished up the makeshift bandage, using a safety pin to keep it together. The light brown fabric he’d grabbed looked almost like a little shoe on her. Almost.

Rarity looked at it for a moment before sighing, as if she were dealing with a nearly un-teachable child. Which, judging by the filly downstairs, she’d had some experience with. Either way, Ryan was almost guaranteed that Rarity would be absolutely fawning over him for being as handy as-

“I meant because I have a First Aid kit, dear.”

Ryan’s palm hit his face at a remarkable speed, resounding with a loud slap. He could’ve kicked himself. Well, so much for his plan of looking like a nice guy instead of an idiot. Of course they had first aid. How else would the other ponies have managed to get him wrapped in cranial bandages?

And, of course, it had to be at the moment when he was feeling like a complete imbecile that somepony decided to kick in the door.

“Rarity, I heard you scream! Are you hurt? Did he mention anything about ticke- oh,my.”

Yay. More Fluttershy.

It was then that he noticed that the shirt wrapped around his waist, while doing a decent job of covering one half, was doing a really crappy job of covering the other.

“How dare you violate the sanctity of my friend’s home!” Fluttershy was much louder this time, getting right up in his face. “Unforgivable!”

“Chill, bitch! I wasn’t ‘violating your friend’s sanctity’, or shit!”

Twilight poked her head in through the open doorway, surveying the chaos. She had a helping hand in this… Ryan thought bitterly. Uh… hoof. Whatever. He grabbed the half-finished pants, nearly leaping into them. It took a bit of work between Purple and Whitey to calm down Yellow, but by that point, Rarity was thoroughly interested in these ‘tickets’.

At least it couldn’t get any worse.

“So…” Twilight said, trying to break the awkward silence that had developed. “…Who’s Juanita?”

Ryan fucking hated unicorns.

It wasn’t much longer before Ryan had a matching light brown shirt to go with the pants. The pants weren’t too bad, actually; they were fairly comfortable, not too scratchy, and they had a slightly silky quality while still feeling heavy enough to wear easily. Plus, Rarity had managed to work in a pair of pockets for him. Granted, his hands were far too large for them, but they held the little things, like the wadded up photograph he carried and his (empty) wallet.

Which he was fairly upset to find empty, considering it hadn’t been that way before he wound up in Equestria. He stomped down the stairs of Carousel Boutique, passing the filly he’d seen before on the way.

“Hey, there you are!” she pointed out in a squeaky voice. “You two sure made an awful lot of noise. What’ve you been so busy with?” she asked, eyeing his new clothes.

“Busy violating your sister, apparently.”

“Oh.” Sweetie Belle said, continuing upstairs.

He trudged through the home/business, and out what he discovered was actually a side door to meet up with Whitey, Yellow, and fuckin’ problem causing Purple. No doubt Twilight had some other friend she wanted him to meet, after the discussion she and Rarity had been having. Something about it being ‘that time of the day’, and some garbage about the weather.

Women. Meh.

He shrugged it off. Couldn’t be that important.

Sweetie Belle’s mother sat at the kitchen table of her daughter’s business, slowly drinking a comforting cup of coffee.

It had been one strange and difficult day. First problems helping Rarity move materials, Sweetie Belle’s unending curiosity and insistence on learning how to cook properly, (how does one even burn cereal?) and the arrival of a giant hairless weasel on top of everything else.

Yes. She needed her coffee. She was just about to take one of those ‘my eyes are half-lidded and I’m taking a deep drink because it heals my soul’ drinks from her mug when Sweetie Belle tugged on her elbow gently, but not so much that any coffee was spilled.

“Hm? What is it, dear?” her mother asked without removing the cup, almost desperate to get her drink.

“Mom?” Sweetie Belle asked, staring intently at her mother.

“Phwat if it, howey?” her mother replied, taking a large swallow of the hot liquid.

“What’s ‘busy violating your sister’?”

Her mother choked on her coffee.

Author's Notes:

By the way, does anyone know anything about making covers on some site like Deviantart? It'd make a handy addition. Believe me, though, I've tried. And it looked HORRENDOUS. So, I'm hoping somebody else will have an easier time with that kind of thing.