Chaos.

A whirling dervish of color and madness, like a rainbow in a blender. An enormous cacophony of noise greeted him, although it sounded a little dulled. This time, though, Ryan was prepared.

Well. As prepared as you can be when reality rips itself apart. At least he retained some measure of consciousness. Strangely enough, he couldn’t seem to feel his body at all. He was massive, infinitesimal. Everywhere and nowhere. There was simply too much information for him to handle all at once; so, he was here. A tiny, insignificant portion of a fleck of a shadow, bobbing slowly within a veritable sea of mayhem.

Uh… hello?

“Well, now.” A voice chuckled out from somewhere within the maelstrom. “That’s interesting. And to think, here I believed you’d gone completely deaf.” It echoed out from everywhere, and nowhere. Oddly enough, the voice sounded… vaguely bored.

… ‘the fuck.

“Oh, I’m afraid that simply won’t do.”

Considering his track record so far, Ryan really shouldn’t have been as surprised as he was when the world swiftly went dark and quiet once again.

“…. –efore y'all go pullin’ a surprise like that on me! You ought ta know better!”

“That was what I was trying to tell you!”

Ryan quickly sat up, and immediately regretted his decision. “Aw, fuck. My… head…” he croaked, clasping gently at his aching cranium. As he cracked one eye open, he blearily noticed that Orange had flinched back away from him, but quietly trotted back over to the bed he was lying on. Actually, now that he looked more closely, he could see that he was lying on several beds of different shapes and sizes, all pushed together. The hay stuffing in them was a little scratchy through the linen, but wasn’t too distracting.

And it wasn’t nearly as painful as the concussion he was currently dealing with. That, and he couldn’t see out of one eye, which was a little disconcerting.

“Christ…” Ryan groaned, placing his palms over his open eye to protect it from the light. “What happened this time?”

“Applejack… sort of… kicked you.” Twilight stated lamely, and Orange nodded sheepishly.

“Ah’m real sorry ‘bout that, sugar cube. We did our best ‘ta patch ya up, though.”

It was after a moment of gingerly feeling his head with his fingertips that he discovered that what felt like several woolen bandages had been carefully wrapped around his head, neatly covering one of his eyes. Just brushing his fingertip over it brought him a good deal of pain, Twilight took notice when he breathed in sharply.

“This is precisely why I said to wait for my signal,” Twilight berated him, although she still looked… guilty? Ryan guessed that she must have felt at least partially responsible. Which could be why he was wrapped in bandages instead of kicked into a mushy paste.

And, after a brief moment of hidden gratitude toward the violet pony, that same glaring burst of resentful rage came flaring right back up again.

“How is it my fault if I can’t follow directions?” he asked stubbornly, crossing his arms across his chest.

“… It is completely your fault if you’re incapable of following directions.” Purple said slowly, as if pointing out something incredibly stupid. Which, really, she was. But it wasn’t like Ryan was just going to give in without a fight.

“Yeah, well… I probably have brain damage now. Maybe I’m retarded.”

“I’m… sorry?”

“You should be.”

Twilight shook her head, giving him a confused look. “No, I meant I don’t know the meaning of that word.” She confessed.

Orange took her opportunity to speak, holding up a hoof. “Ah think he means a bit like Derpy, hon.”

Ryan blinked, swinging his legs out of the bed. Couldn’t stay there all day, after all. Sunlight (that was far too bright,) shone in cheerily from the window, and glancing out it, Ryan could see that he was either on the second or third floor of the farmhouse. Meaning that these two had probably carried him all the way up here, and then went through the trouble of putting all the beds together, and bandaging him up.

Such kindness was completely unforgivable.

“Whoa, easy there, sugar cube!” Applejack stopped him, pushing back on his chest with one of her hooves. “Yer in no condition ta go walkin’ around like that,” she said, trying to ease him back into lying down.

“Yeah, and who’s fuckin’ fault is that?” Ryan spat accusingly, cracking his knuckles. He practically towered over her, his head brushing the ceiling. These ponies were like dwarves compared to him. Then again, most people he met were much shorter than him.

Apparently, this particular pony had a few qualms about hurting others, which Ryan was all too willing to manipulate. Applejack’s head dipped a little in remorse, and she opened her mouth to speak, but quickly closed it again. “Look here, now, sugar cube, ah didn’t mean ta hurt ya an’ all, but-“

“But, but, but…!” Ryan mocked her in a high pitched, nasally voice, flapping one of his hands like he would a sock puppet. “Bullshit.”

“Look, she said she was sorry. There’s no reason to be a bully about it!” Twilight butted in. “Do you really have to make this personal?”

Ryan deadpanned, pointing to the slightly bloody bunch of new bandages covering his eye.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh.”

He stood once again, slightly less woozy than he was before. This animated perception really was difficult to get used to. “Now, if you two ass-hats don’t mind, I’m gonna-“

“Hey, whook, it’s awake. I bwought appwe waffwes, guwfs!” Spike said through a full mouth, rounding the corner. In his… hands? Claws? Whatever. In his hands, he held a rather large wooden platter, complete with multiple glass plates.

All of which were empty, save for a few crumbs. As a matter of fact, most of the crumbs were still clinging to Spike’s face. He chewed with a bit of difficulty, and swallowed hard. Spike gave a guilty grin, rubbing the back of his tiny head with his free arm. Which was a real shame, as Ryan’s stomach growled loudly at the prospect of finally getting food.

“Uh… weird. Those were… here a second… ago? Uh, heh heh.”

“… Go downstairs and eat some waffles.” Ryan finished grumpily, nudging the dragon rudely out of his way with his kneecap. He stomped off loudly in the direction of what he hoped was the kitchen, each step resounding through the farm house with a loud flump. flump. flump. from his combined stomping and slightly oversized, worn sneakers. Spike left the wooden tray in the floor, quickly pattering after Ryan in the hopes of getting more free food.

After a couple of moments of relative silence between both Applejack and Twilight, the farm pony finally spoke again.

“So… can’t help but notice ya’ll brought a couple of tickets.”

Twilight blinked absentmindedly. “Hm? Oh, yes!” she said, excited to draw the attention away from the horribly uncomfortable scene the gigantic hairless monkey had left them with. “About the Grand Galloping Gala, you see-“

Crash!

“WHAT IN THE HAY IS THAT THING?!”

“Git ‘im, Granny Smith!”

Crash!

Twilight sighed before starting downstairs, tucking the tickets back into the saddlebags she’d brought. Applejack eyed them with a grin, and winked to her friend conspiratorially.

“…I don’t have a ticket for you.”

“Aw, now what the buck?”

Crash!

Ryan sat at the large table, unceremoniously stuffing bites of waffle after apple-syrup laden waffle into his mouth. He neither spoke or moved, and rarely blinked. Instead, he affixed his gaze with a cold stare down at the end of the table, where a faded green and elderly pony sat at the other end, who stared right back.

Why do they always stare?

Many shattered plates lay scattered in a waste bin, after they had been picked up. Twilight had helpfully offered to use her handy skill of telekinesis to make the job go faster, in part because Ryan refused to lift a finger to help.

He jabbed the fork back into the slightly dry waffles savagely, viciously biting into them and scarfing them down as quickly as he could. After a few more minutes of the Apple family observing him quietly, he eventually laid down the fork, politely wiped his mouth with a nearby napkin (which had a very nice apple inlay on the cloth), and spoke as clearly as he could.

“Okay. ‘The fuck are you looking at.”

“Young un’, you shore got an outhouse mouth on you.” the elderly lime green pony at the end of the table said coldly.

Perhaps making his first introduction to her ‘Hey, you ugly fuckin’ bag of wrinkles. Where’s my waffles?’ wasn’t such a great plan.

“And you sound like you have background banjos followin’ you everywhere you go,” Ryan replied offhandedly. “Yeah, this place feels Deliverance enough.”

Granny Smith might not have known exactly what he was talking about, but she was wise enough to know when someone was just being rude. “You know, sonny, sometimes a ‘thank you’ is much appreciated.”

“And you’re very fuckin’ welcome.” Ryan said, kicking his feet up on the table. He’d removed a couple of the bandages in order to more easily maneuver his jaw, and edges of the rather large bruise could be seen creeping from the corners.

Unfortunately, Ryan was doing what he usually did. Pushing as many buttons as he could to see just how long he could get away with it. The tiniest pony of the bunch, a small pale white filly with a red mane, continuously tiptoed around Ryan, staring at him.

“… ‘The fuck do you want.”

“Hay, there! Ah’m Applebloom!”

Ryan blinked, resting his arms behind his head. “Oh. ‘Sup. Got any more waffles?”

“So…” Twilight began loudly, hoping to avoid another catastrophic scene with Ryan indecently cramming more things into his face hole. “Lots of other things to do today… Like… um…” she stuttered nervously, thinking of a way to get Ryan out of the Apple family’s house without causing too much trouble. Ryan could tell, too.

Heh. Good luck with that.

“Like… oh! Rarity has, uh…”

“Dresses she needs help with?” Applejack offered.

“Yes! Absolutely!” Twilight agreed, nodding her head in agreement.

“That Princess Celestia’s plannin’ on seein’ at the Gala?” Applejack continued.

“Positively!” Twilight chirped, slowly pulling on Ryan’s sleeve with her two front hooves.

“And somepony’s gotta make sure everypony looks great at the Gala while they’re enjoyin’ fresh apple fritters!”

“Indubitably! Wait.”

Twilight deadpanned, staring at Applejack, who gave her a grin.

“… I only have two tickets, and I’m taking my project.”

“Aw, come on, darlin’!”

Twilight jerked on Ryan’s sleeve once again, and he steadily rose to his feet. “Hang on, project?” he protested, shaking the violet pony off. Thinking back to what he’d said, he’d probably made quite a few mistakes. However, brashly saying whatever worked in order to inconvenience someone (somepony?) else happened to be one of his favorite hobbies, regardless of the problems it brought him later.

“Aren’tcha gonna stay fer brunch?” Applebloom asked sadly, dropping down on her haunches and giving them her best miserable puppy dog impersonation.

“… Fuck no. There’s no steak.” Ryan said, flipping the filly off.

“Yes, you’re absolutely right!” Twilight said quickly. “We really should see Rarity about that, let’s go!”

Ryan, sensing her motives for hurrying, crossed his arms stood his ground for as long as possible. It really was difficult disappointing two ponies at once. Can’t say he wasn’t trying, though.

...

“...What, and miss brunch?”

Crash.

Yet another plate came flying out of nowhere, and Ryan then realized that the wrinkly old pony could move one hell of a lot faster than he gave her credit for.

“Oh, hey, whaddya know, let’s go find out about that steak.” Ryan sputtered as he dashed out the door after Twilight. Or, he would have dashed out the door, had it been made for humans. Instead, he shoved open the top portion of the door, which split horizontally in half. He wound up toppling through it, face hitting a wooden porch hard as yet another white glass plate came flying overhead.

As he lumbered off as swiftly as he could in Twilight’s direction, he got the strangest feeling that he wasn’t welcome at all with the Apple family.

And he couldn’t possibly fathom why.

Author's Notes:

Thanks for all the likes and comments!
I SHALL WRITE MOAR.