I Hate You All - Part One In The Dawnbreaker Trilogy

by Akumokagetsu

First published 8th of May, 2013

He's a selfish, antagonistic, profane and violent nobody, hell-bent on either getting home or leaving everything else in smoldering ruin. They're the Elements of Harmony. Let the chaos commence.

Now part of the extended Millerverse!

Part One in the Dawnbreaker Trilogy! Check out Part Two here!
It's got clichés! It's got action! It's got foul language and cheap humor!
Ryan Miller, after heaving himself into an all-too-clichéd partially unexplained Vortex-o-Doom that opened up after his twin cousins and a Doctor with a time machine nearly ended the world, finds himself in a place that very well may kill him.
A place so full of kindness and friendship that it could make him vomit just thinking about it.
Ryan Miller is not a nice person.
However, everything is not what it seems in Equestria, as a looming threat steadily grows on the horizon. Uncovering a vast political conspiracy and the dark underbelly of what at first seems to be a carefree paradise, the very borders of the universe are at stake and all of reality may come unraveled!
And our (almost) hero could not possibly give a shit less.
Will the only human in Ponyville save the day?
Or will he even make it home alive?
FIND OUT IN THIS NOT VERY EPIC STORY BEFORE THE NOT VERY EPIC CONCLUSION!

Credit for the awesome story cover goes directly to Ikemtz16, who worked tirelessly to pour his awesomesauce onto paper and give it life.

Didn't See That Coming

Author's Notes:

Story is currently being rewritten because... well, because it's awful.

Ryan Miller was having a hell of a day.

After flinging himself into a whirling violet vortex of destruction and pain brought about by a mysterious man with a magical blue box, it suddenly occurred to him that maybe, just maybe, that was a bad idea.

Ryan felt himself being pulled deeper and deeper into the whirlwind, the world vanishing behind him as the vortex yanked him this way and that.

Chaos. It was sheer chaos.

Pain enveloped him within seconds, and the tumbling and twisting completely disoriented him. This must be what it was like, being pulled into a black hole. He could have sworn he was being compressed, crushed, his very being ground down. He’d never before felt quite so… trapped. His consciousness funneled to a single point as he slowly passed out, the whirling dervish of destruction whispering him a madman's lullaby…

And then it was over.

Not slowly or noticeably, but abruptly.

Curled up into the fetal position, his eyes squeezed tightly closed, Ryan clutched his arms closely.

At least, he thought they were his arms. For as much as he was tossed about, he wouldn't be able to tell the difference if any of his other limbs had been swapped out with others.

Very, very slowly, he gently patted himself, sitting up. Okay, fingers, toes, limbs; all check.

He was alive. He was alive, and that was pretty good.

OHHOLYFUCK.

Ryan immediately fell back onto his side, rolling slightly as he did so.

When he opened his eyes again, he was greeted with color.

Oh, god. So much color.

The trees, the grass, the sky, the clouds – just these few things in his immediate vision were so damned vibrant that they almost blinded him. He slowly pried his eyes open, squinting around and carefully taking in his surroundings. Any more of this and it’d give him a migraine.

Firstly, everything was so bright, so surreal that it took him longer to adjust than he previously expected.

And secondly, everything was obviously animated.

It looked like a cross between a cartoon and a druggie's fever dream. He could clearly see a window in the tree above him as he lay on his back, staring directly at it. His beady black eyes followed the massive tree, all the way down to the door at the front, very close to him.

Finally, his eyes slowly came to a set of animated legs, as he had suspected he would find as he took in everything else. His heart still raced at the prospect, though. It was crazy, impossible; it was insane.

Animated sneakers, sticking out like little boats underneath his grimy jeans.

He wondered briefly what his face looked like here.

And how he was ever going to get his rent paid.

"… Uh, hello?" he heard a petite, feminine voice stutter out. Propping himself up on his elbows, he glared around until he discovered the source of the noise. It wasn’t like there was much else to surprise him. Somebody must have left a purple plushy doll sitting around near this-

"Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Twilight Sparkle."

"HOLY FUCK BALLS, A TALKIN' HORSE!"

It kept talking.

Ryan sat at a miniature (for him) wooden table in the kitchen of the tree… er, house. Tree house? He sipped tenderly at a tiny china cup of black coffee, hands trembling weakly as he tenderly placed it back on the saucer with a quiet tink!

This purple… horse. Unicorn. Pony. Thing.

It kept talking.

And it was freaking him the hell out.

Ryan had almost completely drowned out the sound of its (her?) voice, staring intently at the cup, eyes repeatedly traveling back to his oddly animated hands.

Oh, god, my hands…!

They looked so… misshapen here. So out of place. Looking around, he felt more and more like a giant than anything else. He’d always been very tall at nearly six and a half feet, but this was ridiculous.

“-of the ramifications of such actions in the first place. Are you even listening to me?” the small violet unicorn asked, levitating a similar cup of coffee in front of her. The… thing had purplish and pink… hairdo? Mane? That it continually levitated out of its way. “I get the feeling you’re not really listening.”

Jesus, at least something sounds familiar.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. That’s great.” He replied automatically, drinking more of the now quite cold coffee, trying to look as if he had been paying attention. It was apparent that he hadn’t been, however, as his eyes kept drifting around the small room.

The pony’s eye twitched with mild irritation, but it continued regardless. “Belay that, this is fascinating. I mean, how many other ponies can say they’ve studied aliens? I m-“

“Whoa, hold the fuck up,” Ryan said, snapping out of his stupor. “I ain’t bein’ studied for anything. First things first, I’m gonna wake up in the hospital, and then I’m gonna ask ‘em to never put me on whatever drugs they’re using, ever again. Comprende, amigo?” he snapped, glowering at the pony in front of him.

If the pony was afraid of him, she didn’t show it. “You don’t have to be huffy, Mister Alien.”

“I have a name, you little shit.”

She paused for a moment, her large eyes watching him diligently. “Very well, Mi-…. What is your name, if you don’t mind my asking?”

Ryan paused, thinking. After a moment, he held out one of his (by comparison) enormous hands to the pony.

“Ryan. Ryan Miller.”

“Ryan,” she said slowly, rolling the name around to become familiarized with it. She carefully took his large hand in the two of her smaller indigo hooves and shook them slowly. “My name is Twilight Sparkle. Pleasure to meet you.”

“And I’m Spike!”

“HOLY SHIT!”

Ryan leapt up from the small wooden table, knocking it over in his haste. A small, purple and green scaled dragon had leapt up out of nowhere onto the counter, and pointed proudly at himself. The table flipped through the air, and hit Ryan in the chin as it did so. He fell swiftly to the floor, desperately struggling to get his bearings.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuckin’…. Fuck!” he shouted, clutching his chin in agony.

“Ah! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to break it!” the tiny dragon wailed in despair.

“It’s not an it, it’s a he! I mean, he’s a he! And I think it – I mean, he is…” Twilight paused, lost in the confusion and noise, her horn glowing brightly for a split second. Within moments, Ryan found himself completely encased within a tight pink bubble, flailing about haphazardly as gravity was defied and he floated in the air.

Twilight sighed, relieved that the noise Ryan had been making was promptly cut off by the magical bubble.

After several long minutes of Ryan swearing silently (not to himself, though,) Twilight noticed that he’d become quiet and gently lowered the bubble to the floor before it disintegrated.

Ryan slowly and deliberately picked himself up, dusted himself off in what he hoped was a respectable manner, and pointed dangerously at Twilight. “Don’t. Ever. Do.That. Again,” he spat venomously.

“Er… sorry. I thought…”

“You thought what?” Ryan asked through tensely gritted teeth.

“You were… sending out a warning signal.”

He stopped for a moment, a grin spreading on his face before he snickered. “Knnnktck. What?”

“You, uh… you alien types do… do that, don’t you?”

“Well, I guess, but I could’a just used a cell phone.”

“A what now?”

Ryan blinked, trying desperately to calm himself. His chin was still sore as hell, and it was definitely going to bruise. He was doing his best to ignore the tiny dragon that was now hiding behind the upturned table. Completely that little shit’s fault…

“A phone,” Ryan hissed, as if the pony, Twilight, whatever. As if Twilight were being stupid on purpose. Though after a second of contemplation, he realized that they probably never even had phones to begin with, or fingers with which to use them. He reached into his pocket to pull it out, only to feel worn paper instead. Realizing it was the photograph he grabbed before he leapt into that… hell hole, he left it in his jeans.

“Huh. Must’ve lost it,” he said lamely. “It’s something used for talkin’ to people. You can take it with you, ‘cause it’s got a battery.”

“So, a mobile communication device. Interesting.”

“Yeah, it’s great and all, Purple,” Ryan said impatiently. “But I really gotta get goin’.”

“Where, precisely?” Twilight Sparkle asked, replacing the table back in its proper position and gently lifting Spike out of the wreckage and disregarding the fact that he apparently hadn’t bothered to remember her name. The tiny purple and green dragon looked positively petrified.

Serves him right. Little fucker.

“Home,” he replied flippantly, heading for the small wooden door. After a bit of a skirmish with the door, he finally managed to slip through. Thankfully, he was quite slim, which made it a little easier. Or, it would have made it a little easier, had he not run face first into the muzzle of yet another of these damnable four legged freaks.

“Ow, fuck! My face!”

Ryan heard a high pitched shriek of terror, and before he knew it, a pair of pale yellow hooves had become trapped in his long locks of greasy black shoulder length hair, jerking and yanking this way and that as the pony fought to escape.

“Ow ow ow ow ow!”

“Aaaaaaaaaaaagh!”

“Hold still, hold still!”

“Ow ow ow ow ow!”

“Aaaaawaaahaaaaaaagh!”

Pale yellow hooves were pulled roughly from Ryan’s hair (which he at that moment vowed to shear off the moment he got a chance) as a pink bubble encapsulated him, once again. His feet steadily drifted off the ground, and his hands hit the smooth surface of the bubble to keep his balance.

This shit is getting real old, real fast.

Outside the bubble, he could see clearly, despite the heavy shade of pink. However, his hearing was severely dulled, and he couldn’t make out what the ponies standing beneath him were saying. This one, though, didn’t have a horn, bearing a pair of wings instead. From the looks of it, Purple was desperately trying to calm down Yellow, who was lying flat on her back and kicking wildly, looking like she was about to hyperventilate.

Which Ryan probably would have found absolutely hilarious, had his face not been severely aching.

Why is it always the face?

After a few minutes of what looked like heated debate (with much hoof pointing, which just looked weird), the sturdy pink bubble slowly lowered itself and popped with a quiet plink!

“… ‘The fuck did I say about that bubble, Purple,” Ryan growled.

“Er, yes, um… Mist- I mean, Ryan, allow me to introduce my good friend, Fluttershy. Fluttershy is also a good friend. And a friend is not-“

“I’m not retarded,” Ryan muttered, flipping Twilight the bird. “I’m not gonna kill it, Jesus.” After a moment, Ryan ran his hand through his greasy hair, took in a deep breath, leaned down and extended his hand.

“’Sup.”

The small horse… pony… Pegasus… thing stared at his large, rough and jaggedly finger nailed hand with wide eyes, until Twilight slowly dipped her head, giving some cue that everything was fine.

Bullshit, everything’s fine. Break my fuckin’ face, nearly-

“Oh, um, hello…” a tiny voice squeaked out from the pony as it tried to shake Ryan’s hand with one of its tiny hooves. Fluttershy tried lifting it with the edge of her hoof, ready to dart should he move too quickly. She was shaking like a leaf in the wind just looking at him.

Ryan sighed, scratching the back of his head. Jesus. The thing reminded him of a kid he’d often visit in the Children’s Hospital. Tiny Tim, they’d call the boy, mainly because of the crutches.

Not out of any special kindness, or anything. Mostly. But the kid’s caretaker…

She had a nice rack.

Very nice.

Fluttershy’s eyes widened as Ryan’s grin grew to epic proportions stretching over his face like the mouth of a shark. She squeaked, and jolted away from him.

“Er… maybe… we should… go… back inside?” Spike offered helpfully, and Purple stamped one of her hooves, thinking.

“Evidently, we don’t want to cause a panic, so M- I mean, Ryan, I think that’d be best for now.”

Ryan grumbled unhappily, but he could see the logic in that. Then again, he could see a good portion of the town from here, meaning he must be somewhere near the center. And the fun he could have, leading an entire village of animated ponies to believe that they were being besieged by an inter-dimensional monstrosity would be entertaining as hell.

“Perhaps I can find some form of cloaking spell; ooh! Or, maybe long range teleportation, then-“ Purple trailed off, spouting some kind of gibberish about books as she trotted back into the tree house. The small dragon, stalked off behind her, sighing as he pulled a scroll out of… nowhere, apparently, and began to take notes.

For a few seconds, the only two left outside were Ryan and Fluttershy, staring intently at each other. The slight warm breeze and the blissful chirruping of the birds overhead made the situation seem… slightly less tense.

“Look,” Ryan began, attempting to make things right between the two after an awkward silence. A single ally is worth more than a hundred soldiers, or some Confucius bullshit like that his cousin Donald used to spout. “sorry about your… face. An’ all. But, uh. You know, just…”

He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably, trying to think of the right thing to say.

“Just… if your friend Purple puts me in a bubblegum hamster ball again, I’m gonna punch her in the face.”

Fluttershy blinked, and after a moment of silence, she tilted her small head and smiled at him sweetly, using one of her hooves to beckon him forward. Guessing she had something to say, he doubled over and the tiny yellow pony innocently cupped her hooves over Ryan’s ear, whispering into it like a small child eager to give a wonderful ‘secret’ of the obvious to a parent.

“I swear to Celestia, if you harm a single hair on her mane, I will fuck you up.”

Ryan’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head, and his mouth opened and closed several times, but nothing came out.

“Fluttershy, I think I found something!”

“Co-ming!” she replied in a cheery, sing-song voice as she skipped off toward the tree house, leaving Ryan standing flabbergasted outside as a couple of the townsfolk (townsponies?) began tottering off through the town, a couple of them shooting Ryan strange glances before taking off.

Well.

He had to admit.

He did not see that coming.

I Don't Even Like Cereal

“Because, you don’t quite seem to grasp the concept of ‘nice’.”

“No idea what you’re talkin’ about, Purple. I am a pleasant mother fucker.”

Ryan sat, once again, at the wooden kitchen table as he nursed his bruised chin with a bag of ice Yellow had gotten for him, which made him thoroughly suspicious that it wasn’t filled with scorpions. Melted water from the ice gradually began to drip onto his hand, and he wiped it on his faded green shirt. Purple paced around the kitchen nervously, continuously looking back at the tiny dragon. Spike sat on the counter, kicking his legs out of boredom. The yellow one, Fluttershy, sat across from Ryan, two front hooves propped up on the table in front of her, almost like she was getting ready for a game of poker.

And she just kept staring at him.

He would’ve been genuinely disturbed, had he not been in a few stare downs before. Actually, one of said stare downs lead to a friend of his being stabbed in the eye.

Completely on accident, of course.

… Mostly.

In his defense, the events leading up to it had been pretty damned funny. Well, funny according to approximately one person. But that’s another story.

After a few minutes of Yellow giving him the evil eye and listening to the dragon’s small feet rap and tap against the counter, Ryan sighed and scratched his head. “Look, Purple-“

“Twilight. Twilight Sparkle.”

“Whatever. Purple, you don’t have to keep me in here. I promise not to light too many things on fire.” He proclaimed conversationally. Anything to distract him from Yellow. Maybe, so long as he ignored it…

“Who said anything about fire?” Twilight asked concernedly, tilting her head. It was then that Ryan noticed that this tree house doubled as a library. Which really should have been evident, considering the massive number of books lining the wooden walls.

Also his defense, he had quite a few other things on his mind. That, and, again, he simply wasn’t paying attention.

“Well, see-“ he started, but was cut off by a rather loud belch from Spike.

“Hey, I was talkin’, ya’ rude little fucker!” Ryan growled, pounding the table with his fist for emphasis. He whirled around to give the baby dragon a piece of his mind, when he realized that the fire-burping lizard was barfing up what looked like a scroll, which Twilight immediately levitated over to herself to read.

“… Ew.” He turned back in his seat, awaiting this new development and Jesus Christ the yellow pony was still staring at him.

“So… I guess you don’t need a ‘You’ve got mail!’… thing.” Ryan’s pitiful attempt at humor caused Twilight to look up briefly and blink at him before returning to her letter. She read it curiously, though her eyes widened nearing the end and she levitated a couple of golden tickets into the air with an excited ‘squee’!

“What, is Willy Wonka havin’ a field day, or somethin’?”

“No,” Twilight said, her horn glowing brightly as she floated the tickets right side up to show Ryan. “These are tickets from Princess Celestia, invitations to the Grand Galloping Gala! It’s one of the biggest events to happen this year, and the Princess herself will be there!”

Ryan could’ve sworn he heard Yellow’s neck snap, her head turned so fast.

“The Grand Galloping Gala?” she quietly repeated. “Oh, I’ve always wanted to go to-“

“No, no, wait wait wait.” Ryan said, holding up a hand. He then pointed accusingly at Twilight. “How. Purple, how the fuck did you know those would be here?” he asked suspiciously, sitting backwards in the wooden chair, his legs going off the sides. He would’ve rested his chin on the back of the chair, but, well…

“Hm?” Twilight asked, looking at him. “Oh. I didn’t. I was already waiting on a letter from Princess Celestia, after I informed her of your arrival. You were unconscious then.”

Ryan thought for a moment, running a hand through his greasy black hair. “Huh. So, you tell your princess that an alien shows up, and she sends you party invitations. Makes perfect fuckin’ sense.” His first thought was that it was just cartoon logic, but something about the whole thing just seemed amiss.

“I said,” Fluttershy restated slowly, “I’ve always wanted to go to the Grand Gallopi-“

“You should totally go to that party!” Ryan cut her off loudly. “And take me with you!”

“What.” Purple said bluntly, deadpanning.

If looks could kill, Ryan would have been six feet under by now. He could almost feel the heat waves coming off of Yellow.

“No, seriously! I mean, think about it.” Ryan said, accentuating with his hands. “You tell the princess that an alien shows up. She sends you two – two tickets to this shindig. Evidently, she’s planning on having you unveiling the arrival of an alien! Just think about how important you’ll be!”

Ryan was pulling all of this out of his ass, although Purple didn’t seem to be catching on. Even better, Yellow’s eyes were nearly bugging out of her head, and one of her eyes were twitching furiously. It was clear she was trying to restrain herself.

And it brought no end of joy to Ryan watching her struggle with it.

Again, in his defense, it was pretty damned funny.

“You do make a pretty good point,” Twilight agreed with him.

“Damn straight,” Ryan said, reclining in the wooden chair and propping his feet up on the table. The table sagged under the weight, and his dirty and worn shoes dropped with a clunk directly in front of Fluttershy. Although he could no longer see her face, he was almost positive that she was on the verge of snapping.

And the filthy, oversized shoes directly in front of her muzzle weren’t going to help. His grin widened.

“So, when do we blow this popsicle stand?” Ryan asked, pretending to check the time on an invisible watch on his wrist.

“The Gala won’t be for quite a while longer, so we have some time to kill before then. I suppose I could practice your introductions with some of my friends, if you’d like to meet them.” she said, thinking.

Ryan twirled his hand around, resting it on his chest in what he hoped was a very fancy manner. “Madam, I would be supremely fuckin’ honored to meet your many midget acquaintances.”

“Okay, then!” Twilight said, excited. “Let me just grab a few things, and we can go see Applejack. Come along, Spike!” and with that, she trotted off, rambling to herself about some kind of… bucking season, from the sound of it. He quickly tuned her out, shrugging. Applejack sounded like some kind of cereal. His stomach growled at the prospect.

Then again, he’d never had any good experiences with cereal. For the most part, they all tasted like sugar-coated chunks of cardboard. Come to think of it, he hated cereal. He wasn’t even certain that this new pony had anything to do with it, but he made sure that he wouldn’t like him either. Or her. Hell, it was probably a her.

Slowly spreading his feet apart, he gazed down the table at Yellow to see if any changes had occurred.

His shark-like grin only widened into a beaming smile when he discovered that she was positively livid.

“Before phase seventeen of the plan. But don’t move until then, okay?” Twilight instructed Ryan, who sat crouched in the large and leafy bush.

“Gotcha.” He said for the umpteenth time, giving her a thumbs up. She stared at it for a moment, confused, before shaking her head. Spike clung to her mane with his tiny claws, trying not to fall off her back.

“Okay, but not before then. We don’t need to go causing any kind of panic, so remember to come out slowly only on my signal, okay?”

“Gotcha, Pur- uh, Twilight.” Ryan said, doing his best to sound convincing. He crouched even lower, and gave her his most winning smile. Unfortunately, this only served to make him look like a very fleshy pink velociraptor, and Twilight nervously took off at a brisk trot toward the farmhouse that they’d stopped at. A single orange pony could be seen pulling what looked like a very heavy plow along a fence line, gradually tilling up the ground. Twilight zoned in on it, and began chatting animatedly, although Ryan couldn’t hear what they were saying.

Which wouldn’t really be a problem, considering he was about to fuck things up for everybody anyway.

He allowed himself a wide predatory grin, before he quietly slipped out of the bushes and began creeping up on the ponies.

Fuck diplomacy.

His heart beating loudly, Ryan did his best to tiptoe over the grass, desperately trying not to step on any branches or twigs, mainly moving when he saw the pair talking. As he crept closer, he noticed what looked like a picture of apples on the pony’s flank. He supposed the markings must have something to do with their names, as both Purple and Yellow had markings as well. He pushed it out of his mind as he stealthily drew closer, trying to make himself as shadow-like as possible.

I am invisible.

I am a ghost.

“So, I hope you won’t be too surprised when-“

“Aw, shucks, y’all aren’t tryin’ to weasel yer way outta hard work, are ya’?” the orange one asked suspiciously, giving Twilight a sly grin.

“Wha- no, no, not at all! What I’m trying to say, is-“

Ryan ignored them, sneaking up even closer. He was almost directly behind the orange one now, and his heart was beating so loudly he could feel it in his throat. This was going to be so completely worth it.

I am a shadow. I am… that one guy from Assassin’s Creed. I am mother fuckin’ Batman.

“I am the night, mother fucker!” Or, rather, that is what Ryan wanted to have shouted as he leapt up behind the rather surprised orange pony. Instead, all he managed to blurt out was a weak “Blargleflargle!”

Being kicked directly in the testicles makes speaking a little difficult.

“HOLY HORSE FEATHERS, WHAT IS THAT?!”

Ryan barely had time to blink (or breathe, for that matter) before Orange quickly followed up with yet another powerful kick. This time, directly to the face.

Christ, why is it always the face?

A hoof blocking his field of vision was all he managed to see before he blacked out.

“Look, I said I’m sorry about the money. But I just don’t have it right n- oof!” Ryan strained to stand up, and Carlos kicked him in the side again. Bruises covered most of Ryan’s body by this point, and he was pretty sure he had a cracked rib. A steel toed boot came crashing into his stomach once more, and Ryan tried to roll with the kick, but only wound up lying against a curb.

The cold night air didn’t help much to assuage the fire in his left leg; although he could still move it, which was a good sign.

“Bullshit.” Carlos stated calmly, crossing his arms over his chest. He looked relaxed, like he almost always did. Cool, collected. Regardless of the fact that he was beating the living hell out of someone. “I tried bein’ nice. I tried, real hard.” Carlos kicked him again, and this time Ryan definitely heard a crack. He groaned in pain, struggling to get to away, but the worn black steel toed boot slammed down on his left leg once again, keeping him from escaping.

“But you don’t just take that much money and then fuckin’ walk away.”

“This- isn’t personal, is it?” Ryan wheezed, desperate for air.

Carlos deadpanned, pointing to the shiny new black eye patch he was sporting.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh.” he said brusquely.

Carlos kicked him again.

Author's Notes:

More on the way, folks.

Sleeping Beauty Has Brain Damage

Chaos.

A whirling dervish of color and madness, like a rainbow in a blender. An enormous cacophony of noise greeted him, although it sounded a little dulled. This time, though, Ryan was prepared.

Well. As prepared as you can be when reality rips itself apart. At least he retained some measure of consciousness. Strangely enough, he couldn’t seem to feel his body at all. He was massive, infinitesimal. Everywhere and nowhere. There was simply too much information for him to handle all at once; so, he was here. A tiny, insignificant portion of a fleck of a shadow, bobbing slowly within a veritable sea of mayhem.

Uh… hello?

“Well, now.” A voice chuckled out from somewhere within the maelstrom. “That’s interesting. And to think, here I believed you’d gone completely deaf.” It echoed out from everywhere, and nowhere. Oddly enough, the voice sounded… vaguely bored.

… ‘the fuck.

“Oh, I’m afraid that simply won’t do.”

Considering his track record so far, Ryan really shouldn’t have been as surprised as he was when the world swiftly went dark and quiet once again.

“…. –efore y'all go pullin’ a surprise like that on me! You ought ta know better!”

“That was what I was trying to tell you!”

Ryan quickly sat up, and immediately regretted his decision. “Aw, fuck. My… head…” he croaked, clasping gently at his aching cranium. As he cracked one eye open, he blearily noticed that Orange had flinched back away from him, but quietly trotted back over to the bed he was lying on. Actually, now that he looked more closely, he could see that he was lying on several beds of different shapes and sizes, all pushed together. The hay stuffing in them was a little scratchy through the linen, but wasn’t too distracting.

And it wasn’t nearly as painful as the concussion he was currently dealing with. That, and he couldn’t see out of one eye, which was a little disconcerting.

“Christ…” Ryan groaned, placing his palms over his open eye to protect it from the light. “What happened this time?”

“Applejack… sort of… kicked you.” Twilight stated lamely, and Orange nodded sheepishly.

“Ah’m real sorry ‘bout that, sugar cube. We did our best ‘ta patch ya up, though.”

It was after a moment of gingerly feeling his head with his fingertips that he discovered that what felt like several woolen bandages had been carefully wrapped around his head, neatly covering one of his eyes. Just brushing his fingertip over it brought him a good deal of pain, Twilight took notice when he breathed in sharply.

“This is precisely why I said to wait for my signal,” Twilight berated him, although she still looked… guilty? Ryan guessed that she must have felt at least partially responsible. Which could be why he was wrapped in bandages instead of kicked into a mushy paste.

And, after a brief moment of hidden gratitude toward the violet pony, that same glaring burst of resentful rage came flaring right back up again.

“How is it my fault if I can’t follow directions?” he asked stubbornly, crossing his arms across his chest.

“… It is completely your fault if you’re incapable of following directions.” Purple said slowly, as if pointing out something incredibly stupid. Which, really, she was. But it wasn’t like Ryan was just going to give in without a fight.

“Yeah, well… I probably have brain damage now. Maybe I’m retarded.”

“I’m… sorry?”

“You should be.”

Twilight shook her head, giving him a confused look. “No, I meant I don’t know the meaning of that word.” She confessed.

Orange took her opportunity to speak, holding up a hoof. “Ah think he means a bit like Derpy, hon.”

Ryan blinked, swinging his legs out of the bed. Couldn’t stay there all day, after all. Sunlight (that was far too bright,) shone in cheerily from the window, and glancing out it, Ryan could see that he was either on the second or third floor of the farmhouse. Meaning that these two had probably carried him all the way up here, and then went through the trouble of putting all the beds together, and bandaging him up.

Such kindness was completely unforgivable.

“Whoa, easy there, sugar cube!” Applejack stopped him, pushing back on his chest with one of her hooves. “Yer in no condition ta go walkin’ around like that,” she said, trying to ease him back into lying down.

“Yeah, and who’s fuckin’ fault is that?” Ryan spat accusingly, cracking his knuckles. He practically towered over her, his head brushing the ceiling. These ponies were like dwarves compared to him. Then again, most people he met were much shorter than him.

Apparently, this particular pony had a few qualms about hurting others, which Ryan was all too willing to manipulate. Applejack’s head dipped a little in remorse, and she opened her mouth to speak, but quickly closed it again. “Look here, now, sugar cube, ah didn’t mean ta hurt ya an’ all, but-“

“But, but, but…!” Ryan mocked her in a high pitched, nasally voice, flapping one of his hands like he would a sock puppet. “Bullshit.”

“Look, she said she was sorry. There’s no reason to be a bully about it!” Twilight butted in. “Do you really have to make this personal?”

Ryan deadpanned, pointing to the slightly bloody bunch of new bandages covering his eye.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh.”

He stood once again, slightly less woozy than he was before. This animated perception really was difficult to get used to. “Now, if you two ass-hats don’t mind, I’m gonna-“

“Hey, whook, it’s awake. I bwought appwe waffwes, guwfs!” Spike said through a full mouth, rounding the corner. In his… hands? Claws? Whatever. In his hands, he held a rather large wooden platter, complete with multiple glass plates.

All of which were empty, save for a few crumbs. As a matter of fact, most of the crumbs were still clinging to Spike’s face. He chewed with a bit of difficulty, and swallowed hard. Spike gave a guilty grin, rubbing the back of his tiny head with his free arm. Which was a real shame, as Ryan’s stomach growled loudly at the prospect of finally getting food.

“Uh… weird. Those were… here a second… ago? Uh, heh heh.”

“… Go downstairs and eat some waffles.” Ryan finished grumpily, nudging the dragon rudely out of his way with his kneecap. He stomped off loudly in the direction of what he hoped was the kitchen, each step resounding through the farm house with a loud flump. flump. flump. from his combined stomping and slightly oversized, worn sneakers. Spike left the wooden tray in the floor, quickly pattering after Ryan in the hopes of getting more free food.

After a couple of moments of relative silence between both Applejack and Twilight, the farm pony finally spoke again.

“So… can’t help but notice ya’ll brought a couple of tickets.”

Twilight blinked absentmindedly. “Hm? Oh, yes!” she said, excited to draw the attention away from the horribly uncomfortable scene the gigantic hairless monkey had left them with. “About the Grand Galloping Gala, you see-“

Crash!

“WHAT IN THE HAY IS THAT THING?!”

“Git ‘im, Granny Smith!”

Crash!

Twilight sighed before starting downstairs, tucking the tickets back into the saddlebags she’d brought. Applejack eyed them with a grin, and winked to her friend conspiratorially.

“…I don’t have a ticket for you.”

“Aw, now what the buck?”

Crash!

Ryan sat at the large table, unceremoniously stuffing bites of waffle after apple-syrup laden waffle into his mouth. He neither spoke or moved, and rarely blinked. Instead, he affixed his gaze with a cold stare down at the end of the table, where a faded green and elderly pony sat at the other end, who stared right back.

Why do they always stare?

Many shattered plates lay scattered in a waste bin, after they had been picked up. Twilight had helpfully offered to use her handy skill of telekinesis to make the job go faster, in part because Ryan refused to lift a finger to help.

He jabbed the fork back into the slightly dry waffles savagely, viciously biting into them and scarfing them down as quickly as he could. After a few more minutes of the Apple family observing him quietly, he eventually laid down the fork, politely wiped his mouth with a nearby napkin (which had a very nice apple inlay on the cloth), and spoke as clearly as he could.

“Okay. ‘The fuck are you looking at.”

“Young un’, you shore got an outhouse mouth on you.” the elderly lime green pony at the end of the table said coldly.

Perhaps making his first introduction to her ‘Hey, you ugly fuckin’ bag of wrinkles. Where’s my waffles?’ wasn’t such a great plan.

“And you sound like you have background banjos followin’ you everywhere you go,” Ryan replied offhandedly. “Yeah, this place feels Deliverance enough.”

Granny Smith might not have known exactly what he was talking about, but she was wise enough to know when someone was just being rude. “You know, sonny, sometimes a ‘thank you’ is much appreciated.”

“And you’re very fuckin’ welcome.” Ryan said, kicking his feet up on the table. He’d removed a couple of the bandages in order to more easily maneuver his jaw, and edges of the rather large bruise could be seen creeping from the corners.

Unfortunately, Ryan was doing what he usually did. Pushing as many buttons as he could to see just how long he could get away with it. The tiniest pony of the bunch, a small pale white filly with a red mane, continuously tiptoed around Ryan, staring at him.

“… ‘The fuck do you want.”

“Hay, there! Ah’m Applebloom!”

Ryan blinked, resting his arms behind his head. “Oh. ‘Sup. Got any more waffles?”

“So…” Twilight began loudly, hoping to avoid another catastrophic scene with Ryan indecently cramming more things into his face hole. “Lots of other things to do today… Like… um…” she stuttered nervously, thinking of a way to get Ryan out of the Apple family’s house without causing too much trouble. Ryan could tell, too.

Heh. Good luck with that.

“Like… oh! Rarity has, uh…”

“Dresses she needs help with?” Applejack offered.

“Yes! Absolutely!” Twilight agreed, nodding her head in agreement.

“That Princess Celestia’s plannin’ on seein’ at the Gala?” Applejack continued.

“Positively!” Twilight chirped, slowly pulling on Ryan’s sleeve with her two front hooves.

“And somepony’s gotta make sure everypony looks great at the Gala while they’re enjoyin’ fresh apple fritters!”

“Indubitably! Wait.”

Twilight deadpanned, staring at Applejack, who gave her a grin.

“… I only have two tickets, and I’m taking my project.”

“Aw, come on, darlin’!”

Twilight jerked on Ryan’s sleeve once again, and he steadily rose to his feet. “Hang on, project?” he protested, shaking the violet pony off. Thinking back to what he’d said, he’d probably made quite a few mistakes. However, brashly saying whatever worked in order to inconvenience someone (somepony?) else happened to be one of his favorite hobbies, regardless of the problems it brought him later.

“Aren’tcha gonna stay fer brunch?” Applebloom asked sadly, dropping down on her haunches and giving them her best miserable puppy dog impersonation.

“… Fuck no. There’s no steak.” Ryan said, flipping the filly off.

“Yes, you’re absolutely right!” Twilight said quickly. “We really should see Rarity about that, let’s go!”

Ryan, sensing her motives for hurrying, crossed his arms stood his ground for as long as possible. It really was difficult disappointing two ponies at once. Can’t say he wasn’t trying, though.

...

“...What, and miss brunch?”

Crash.

Yet another plate came flying out of nowhere, and Ryan then realized that the wrinkly old pony could move one hell of a lot faster than he gave her credit for.

“Oh, hey, whaddya know, let’s go find out about that steak.” Ryan sputtered as he dashed out the door after Twilight. Or, he would have dashed out the door, had it been made for humans. Instead, he shoved open the top portion of the door, which split horizontally in half. He wound up toppling through it, face hitting a wooden porch hard as yet another white glass plate came flying overhead.

As he lumbered off as swiftly as he could in Twilight’s direction, he got the strangest feeling that he wasn’t welcome at all with the Apple family.

And he couldn’t possibly fathom why.

Author's Notes:

Thanks for all the likes and comments!
I SHALL WRITE MOAR.

The Emperor's New Psychological Trauma

It was a royal pain in the ass, catching up to Twilight Sparkle. Especially considering the fact that she had an extra pair of legs. The strange pair of pony and dragon had a pretty decent lead on him, though it didn’t take him too long to catch up.

Ryan huffed and puffed, eventually slowing his mad sprinting to a quick jog beside the considerably upset unicorn. Spike bounced along unhappily on her back, clinging desperately to her mane.

“And besides that, I’m still hungry!” the dragon complained, gesturing to his stomach.

“Didn’t you just eat an entire tray of waffles by yourself?” Twilight asked, agitated. Hey, so long as her attention wasn’t focused on him.

“Seriously, where the fuck does he put those things?” Ryan said breathlessly. Whoops. He regretted speaking, as Twilight’s head snapped around and she gave him an infuriated glare.

“… What?”

“Don’t you what me, mister!” she scolded angrily. “Do you have any idea of the complications you’ve caused due to your little ‘stunt’ back there? Applejack is never going to forgive me for letting you into her home!”

“Hey, it ain’t my fault their waffles taste like ass. If they weren’t so bad, I probably wouldn’t have had any time for talkin’. Christ, what’d they make ‘em with, dirt and grass?”

“Hay, actually.” Spike spoke up supportively.

Ryan jogged next to Twilight, shaking his head. That would probably explain why he felt like his stomach was rebelling against him so violently. People just weren’t meant to eat hay. “Bleauck.” He needed meat, dammit.

After a couple of minutes of relative uncomfortable silence, Ryan asked “So… this, uh, rare guy. He’s really got steak?”

Twilight sighed, and shook her head. “Her name is Rarity. And just so you know, the only reason I’m going to introduce you to her is to make sure that you don’t make the same mistakes you just did.”

If that were the case, then wouldn’t it make more sense to avoid introducing him to anyone else?

“Hey, fuck you, Purple. I’m not gonna be trained like some puppy.”

“We’ll see.”

Of all the things she could have said, that one happened to feel the most ominous. Almost as if she knew something that he didn’t. It left a nasty feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Come to think of it, maybe that was the hay waffles.

It took them nearly half an hour of straight silent jogging to reach the outskirts of Ponyville. Twilight seemed to be handling the pace they kept fairly well, but Ryan looked pretty worn out. Sweat was pouring down his forehead, and the midday sun didn’t do anything to help. He was gasping for breath by the time they stopped, and he was all to glad when Twilight put up a hoof in front of him to keep him from going any further.

“Okay, here’s the plan. No sneaking around this time, okay?”

How the hell she managed to say that as calmly as she did, as though she’d barely put any effort into the travel, Ryan didn’t know. It was his best guess that she was probably in better shape than him. That, and having extra legs helps.

Either that, or it was because of some freaky unicorn magic.

Ryan was really starting to dislike unicorns.

She motioned for him to follow, and he did so as best he could. His legs felt like Jell-O by this point, and moving more slowly was definitely welcome. It would at least give him time to catch his breath and get a look around.

And, from looking around at the number of ponies gathered in one place, cause a little mayhem while he was at it.

If anything, Twilight had definitely learned something from Ryan’s antics. She was quick, he’d give her that much.

“Oh, ho ho ho. No. Don’t even think about it.”

“What?” Ryan blurted defensively.

“We’re already getting strange enough looks as it is. We don’t need you causing a ruckus. Besides, we’re almost there.”

And, indeed, the strange trio certainly were getting quite a few odd looks. One burly pony, selling cherries from a stand, gaped at him for several moments before swiftly packing his things and closing up shop. Most of the other ponies around the town did the same, although there were a number of ponies that paid them next to no mind at all. Perhaps because of Twilight Sparkle’s influence, Ryan thought vaguely.

After all, she did seem to be rather well known. Most of the ponies they passed were all too eager to greet Twilight with a very warm smile, though they quickly backed off (or, in some cases, left immediately) when they saw Ryan.

Christ, he hadn’t had anyone reacting to him in fear this much since the Sharks.

Twilight, he could see, was already a little distressed over the fact that Ryan didn’t even have to do anything other than follow her to cause quite a bit of chaos through town, which made him grin.

“Turns out, your little plan didn’t work after all. Shame, that.” Ryan said disdainfully. His words were practically dripping in sarcasm.

“Oh, really? Care to elaborate?” Twilight said conversationally, trotting at an even pace toward what looked like a multistory building in the shape of a carousel. It was mainly white, from what he could tell, although it was loaded down with all sorts of oversized decorations.

Huh. Ponies on a carousel. Heh heh heh heh.

She really seemed far to upbeat for someone (somepony?) who’s plan just got foiled. Even if it was by inaction. “I, uh..” Ryan stuttered. “The locals…”

“Aren’t nearly in as much panic as they were when my friends and I dealt with Nightmare Moon.”

It took Ryan a split second before it clicked. Son of a bitch.

He had been too busy taking in all the sights, looking around at this new world to have bothered actually tormenting any of the locals, as he’d been planning on doing. Hell, he hadn’t even shot them any dirty glances. Twilight hadn’t bothered keeping him hidden, because she didn’t have to.

Apparently, Purple had some kind of history with the locals, which they seemed to be all too thankful for. Which could explain why some of the ponies didn’t close up shop when they saw Ryan walking with her.

That, and the next time he went through town, word probably would’ve gotten around pretty quickly that the giant hairless monkey was with Twilight fuckin’ Sparkle. Meaning his (much looked forward to) base of fear was steadily dwindling. He clenched his fists angrily, swinging them by his sides. Ryan was determined not to let Twilight see just how frustrated he was at being bamboozled.

And, of course, the smug little smile on her face dashed his hopes of that.

Ryan was really starting to hate unicorns.

Hell, even though the yellow Pegasus had made threats on his life, she hadn’t actually done anything to him. He’d even come out on top in the end. Or, so he thought.

Feet away from the door to the way too girly building, with a handy little sign labeled ‘Carousel Boutique’, a familiar voice floated down from overhead.

“Oh, hello there, Twilight!”

Speak of the devil, and he shall appear.

…

She. Whatever.

“Hmm?” Purple gazed up, confused. “Oh, hello again, Fluttershy. What are you doing here?”

“Why, I’m just checking up on my best friend, is all!” she said quietly, fluttering down next to Twilight. “After all, with such us being such good friends, I would be simply heartbroken to find out that something bad had happened to you, all because of some big, pink, hairless, stupid gorilla.”

Oh, yeah. It was time to suffer for that.

Apparently, Purple didn’t catch on to the venomous tone at the end. “Oh, well then. You don’t have to worry about me, Fluttershy, I can-“

“Oh, but I insist you sit down! You must be so exhausted, running around all day. Here, let me get a chair for you!” For somepony with such hushed words, she certainly seemed forceful about it. Much to Ryan’s surprise, the little yellow Pegasus heaved a couch out from behind a bush, shoving it with her head over to Twilight.

“Really, Fluttershy, you don’t- where did you get that couch?”

“Rarity – hnng – has them, stashed you – hhnk – see, all over. In case she has dramatic spells, you see?” Fluttershy huffed, presenting the couch to her friend.

Twilight deadpanned, finally understanding her reasoning.

“… I’m still not giving you the ticket.”

Fluttershy’s eye twitched, and for a brief moment, Ryan thought she was going to snap this time. Now, that would’ve been funny. He considered needling her to help things along, but decided to stay out of this one.

It takes less effort to watch someone dig their own grave than it does to pick up another shovel, after all.

“Really, now, Twilight!” Yellow reprimanded gently. “I only want to ensure that my good friend has plenty of rest b-“ Fluttershy was promptly cut off as the door to Carousel Boutique flung open, knocking her back. It hit her in the face with a dull bunk! sound, and she squeaked in surprise.

“Oh, my goodness! Fluttershy, I didn’t see you there, darling, are you quite alr- WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA IS THAT!?”

Yeah, he really should be getting used to that by now.

Twilight sighed heavily, pulling a bright pink bubble around Ryan, and he felt the (unfortunately familiar) weightlessness of being levitated. He swore he was going to figure out how to pop those, eventually. And he was going to pop the hell out of them. Regardless of whether or not they could hear him, Ryan had been on the verge of giving Purple a piece of his mind – hell, maybe his foot while he was at it – when he discovered a very large and colorful display of tape measures, fabric, pins, needles, and scissors flying directly at his head with a low blue glow around them.

Each of the items bounced of the protective shield, either dropping harmlessly to the ground or ricocheting at high speeds around him.

Well.

… It slowly occurred to Ryan that Purple had probably just saved his life.

The deplorable acts of kindness continue.

And, just to top things off, the one he supposed was Rarity had a glowing horn, too. Yay, more freakin’ magic.

Ryan was positive he now hated unicorns.

This particular unicorn had an indigo hairdo… mane. Whatever. And matching tail, to boot. Three diamond markings could be seen on one side of her flank, although when she turned, he found that the same markings appeared on both sides. Huh. That was the kind of thing he really should have noticed before, because it applied to Yellow and Purple as well. He could see Purple and Yellow explaining the situation to Whitey, although Yellow kept throwing him several nasty glares when the others weren’t looking.

Ryan politely showed her the universal symbol for, ‘Please fuck off’.

Turns out, even without fingers, she got the message.

As the pink bubble slowly lowered and disintegrated, he made a show of dusting himself off more collectively calm than he actually felt. “So,” he shot a snarky remark at Fluttershy. “you really should get that twitch looked at. Can’t be good for you.”

Fluttershy stuttered, cowering behind her friends.

“I… I have no idea what you’re talking about…” she mumbled, cringing behind them even further. If he hadn’t known what she was actually like, her little display might have actually fooled him into thinking that she was uncertain of herself or something. That had been her one major mistake, really; the initial threat was all it took to shatter any illusions she may have projected.

“I.. see.” Rarity said to Twilight, giving the human a once-over glance. “Well, I can certainly see why Celestia might want him there, but… in such a horrid state? Oh, tsk tsk tsk. Something simply must be done. Come along, darling!” Whitey called to him, trotting inside.

Huh. This pony had gotten over her xenophobia pretty quickly. It made Ryan wonder exactly what Purple had said to her. He reluctantly stomped inside in front of Twilight and Fluttershy, although glad to be in the shade, he stopped to breath in deeply.

He immediately regretted it upon discovering the smell of burning… cereal.

“Well, we won’t be trying that again, will we Sweetie Belle – what the…?”

A pair of ponies stood in the kitchen, one much older than the other. Gauging from the size of the smaller one, he’d say it was probably a filly. This one had a light pink and purple mane, flowing down around the small unicorn horn. Why were there so damned many unicorns?

The larger one, probably her mother, gaped at him as he strode into Carousel Boutique. Well, more like crouched and shuffled his way inside, but you get the picture.

“Uh… ‘sup. I’m followin’ Whitey.” He said, pointing in the direction Rarity had gone, which was upstairs. The two stared at him blankly, as if they couldn’t believe what they were seeing.

They were probably in awe of his charm and silver tongue.

“No, no, no! This won’t do at all!”

Rarity seemed thoroughly distressed, although not for the reasons Ryan might have hoped.

She continuously poked and prodded him, running tape measure after tape measure along his every limb multiple times, checking and re-checking her calculations.

Apparently, Twilight Sparkle’s idea of teaching him to get along with someone (somepony) else was to lock them in a room together.

This did not seem like a good idea.

“You’ll be fine, so long as you behave yourself,” she had said, latching the door behind him. Fluttershy stood behind Twilight, glaring at him. And, considering the fact that Whitey had nearly murdered him with a bunch of sewing crap, chances were that Twilight was right. He didn’t like his odds of escape with a creature that had telekinesis on its side.

Rarity had him standing on a small stepstool in the center of the room, continuously placing piece after piece of fabric against him, pulling up a new one and throwing away the other. He supposed it helped to calm her down, being drawn into her work. You know, instead of focusing on the fact that a hairless alien was staring her in the face. The pony grumbled quite a bit, and moaned loudly as if she were in pain every time she came across a stain or rip.

According to Twilight, the only way he was leaving this room was when Rarity confirmed that they were, indeed, getting along splendidly.

That, or he could just throw the damned pony out the window and climb down through the hole.

“So… uh… you… get out a lot?” Ryan asked conversationally, and the unicorn used her magic to gently push his arms up until they stuck straight out. He looked like a retarded mummy who forgot bandages.

Oh, wait. He did have bandages.

“Absolutely, darling,” Whitey said distractedly, running another tape measure down his leg. “I run a tidy little business here, you see.”

“Ah, yeah. Fashion crap. I got a friend who does that. Gayer than a pink cupcake, too, so no real surprise there.”

“No, I don’t think I have anything with cupcakes,” Rarity said, eyes running over the fabrics. He was beginning to get the feeling she wasn’t really paying attention to him. And it was annoying as hell.

He’d sort of gotten used to receiving large amounts of people’s… uh, ponies’ attention during his short stay. This one was starting to throw off the status quo. She ‘tsk’ed again at the sight of his faded jeans, running a hoof over his left leg. She wound her way up from his heel, slowly feeling up to just above his kneecap. Her hoof bumped over it, and he hissed lightly.

Rarity cocked an eyebrow at that, but continued. “Problem, dear?”

“Just fuckin’ peachy,” he replied through gritted teeth. Just thinking about that particular spot on his leg brought back some nasty memories, all of which he rather not go through right now.

“Very well. This material isn’t very pliable, you know,” she said slowly, thinking. “Ugh. And so filthy! You realize, dear, that this simply must be burned. Preferably as soon as possible. Sweet Celestia, how anypony could allow such a grimy abomination to see the light of day is far beyond me.”

“Hey, fuck you, horse. Nobody talks down to you about your pants.”

“I’m not wearing pants, darling.”

Ryan blinked, and snickered at that. True, the ponies here were technically all naked. He made certain to bring that up again with Twilight the next time he wanted to cause her trouble. Rarity coughed, gesturing to him with an open hoof.

“… What?”

“The clothes, dear. I’m simply unable to get decent measurements for new ones while you’re wearing those.” She cried.

Oh.

Aw, hell no.

“Aw, hell no.”

Well, he spoke his mind, at least.

“Now, darling, let’s just get this over with as quickly as possible. You’re coated in mud, filth, and… is that blood, as well?” she asked, gently running a hoof over his shirt. “What have those brutes put you through, you poor thing?” she wailed, and with the noise she’d been making, Ryan was pretty certain that at any moment Twilight was going to burst in the door, accusing him of stabbing a pony or something. Which actually sounded like something he’d do.

“They, uh… gave me waffles.”

Rarity snorted loudly, helping him to remove his shirt without brushing the bandages on his head too badly. “I see,” she grumbled, deftly placing his shirt onto a work bench beside her as she resumed measurements. “Made of what, hammers and nails?”

“Actually, I think they’re made with hay.”

Rarity smiled at that, and she gingerly took a measurement from his armpit to his fingertip, back around up the arm to his neck, and around to his back.

It would appear that Rarity really had no ideas about human anatomy.

“Darling, have you branded yourself?”

“Huh?” he asked, turning suddenly.

Rarity held up a couple of mirrors telekinetically, showing him his back. Of course, he already knew about that.

On his back was the black outline of the maw of a shark, wide open. The teeth were very long and sharp, jutting down in black ink. It covered nearly his entire back, going from shoulder to shoulder, all the way down to his hips. Of course he knew about it. He just didn’t want to think about it.

It was the mandatory initiation motif of the Sharks.

“I, uh… I just need a little more for now.” Ryan sputtered nervously, desperately trying to keep his act together. It wouldn’t do to fall apart now, after all that work he’d gone through.

“Nah, it’s all good, man.” Carlos said with a hearty chuckle, shaking his hand energetically. When he pulled away, he found a fair sized roll of bills, wrapped in a rubber band tucked in his hand. “I know you’ll pay it back. You’re good for it this time. I know you’ll pay it back – no interest this time. It’s on me.”

Ryan was sweating in fear, though he did his absolute best not to show it. Carlos, his long time friend.

Now the leader of the infamous Sharks.

The goddamn leader.

It was amazing, how quickly Carlos had taken charge. More amazing, really, was how well he kept the gang together. For a crime boss, that sort of talent was invaluable. And Carlos had it in spades. After the old boss, Victor, had ‘mysteriously’ bitten the dust, Carlos stepped up first and took charge like he was a natural. As a matter of fact, things were even better than they were with Victor in charge. Or, at least, there was a lot more money coming in, and a hell of a lot more obedience.

“Of… of course I’ll pay you back, Carlos. You know me. Good ol’, reliable me.” Ryan choked, and it felt like a golf ball was lodged in his throat. He wasn’t certain if that was the guilt getting to him, or the fear of what was going to happen to him if anything went wrong.

But he couldn’t let himself think like that. Nothing would go wrong.

His twin cousins needed the money, and badly – especially after how they’d been practically orphaned not too long ago. They needed all the help they could get.

Nothing would go wrong. That is, unless somebody actually caught up to him. And that wasn’t going to happen. Carlos’s own mother was helping him arrange for the 'trip'. Unbeknownst to Carlos, of course.

Nothing would go wrong.

“Darling? You’re looking a tad bit green around the gills, and – oh, do you even have gills? I hadn’t bothered to check for those…”

“Huh?” Ryan said, shaking his head to rid himself of the memory. No use digging open old wounds. “Nah, I’m good.” he said. He hadn’t realized just how much that particular memory had shaken him. His palms were sweating, and he felt like he was going to be sick. He doubted the hay waffles had too much to do with it, this time.

“Oh, very well then.” She said unsatisfactorily. “Continue.”

Ryan blinked, and stared at her. “… What?”

“Continue, darling.”

“...Continue what?”

The unicorn gestured with her head at the rest of his clothes, and he glared at her angrily. “Aw, fuck no.”

“Dear, must we really go through this with every article of clothing? How many do you… things, even need, anyway?”

“Humans. And as many as we damned well please,” he breathed aggressively, crossing his arms across his bare chest. He hadn’t noticed before just how drafty it was in this room. Then again, with as much as he had been sweating before, that was really a nice change of pace.

Whitey sighed, the floating measuring tapes drooping. For a moment, Ryan thought he had won.

Then, a split second later, he felt a jerk and heard a rather loud rip!

Ryan fucking hated unicorns.

“Oh, come on!” he shouted, doing his best to cover his… manly bits with his hands.

“Yes, yes, darling, I know, it’s just so atrocious walking around without pants,” Rarity said sarcastically, using her telekinesis to levitate more measuring tapes around him. She quickly jotted down some numbers on a clipboard floating in front of him, and smiled to herself.

“Hm. I thought I’d find your cutie mark somewhere. Although, I must admit, I’ve never seen any cutie mark that was a name before. Are you particularly good at doing… Juanita, is it?”

“Yeah, about five or six times,” Ryan groaned aloud. “Now, I don’t go asking embarrassing questions about your ass tattoos. All I ask is that you do the same.”

Rarity gave him a confused look, and after she had finished with her measurements (which he was pretty certain by this point was just an excuse to get a look at his rear,) she said “Oh, cutie marks aren’t tattoos, dear. Nothing so droll and mundane. A pony receives their cutie mark once they discover their special talent.” She levitated a couple of feet of cloth from a large spool nearby, and immediately set to work on Ryan’s new clothes.

“Explain.” He said grumpily, grateful for some distraction. Ryan was failing rather spectacularly at covering himself with his hands. He searched around for the tattered remains of his pants, but all he could find was his shirt, which he rapidly wrapped around his waist. Anything to distract him from the awkward fact that he and his pants were now uncomfortably separated. And that oh-so-appreciated draft didn’t feel quite so friendly anymore.

“Well, dear,” she said as she snipped at cut at the fabric, deftly sewing and working the collection of fabric into a wearable piece. “You see, a cutie mark is something that displays something about a pony. For example, mine is diamonds.”

“So, you dig for rocks?”

“Oh, heavens, no,” she giggled, but promptly stopped at the seemingly horrifying prospect of dirt. “I just design clothing, dear. Also, I’m apparently the holder of the Element of Generosity.”

“Uh… huh.”

“Ask Twilight about it, darli- ah!” she shrieked, placing her hoof in her mouth. Ryan jumped, until he realized that she’d accidentally stuck herself with the sewing needle.

“You, uh… okay over there?”

“Phfwine, dawwyng.” She said, muffled. Ryan sighed, and stepped off the small stepstool to make his way toward the unicorn. “Here. Lemme see.”

He gently took her hoof in his palm, inspecting it carefully. Indeed, she’d pricked herself fairly deeply; it was still bleeding, though there wasn’t too much of it. He sighed, and grabbed a scrap of the fabric and began wrapping it around her hoof as a makeshift bandage.

“That’s really not necessary, dear,” Rarity began, but Ryan cut her off.

“Bullshit, now just hold still. You can’t fix any clothes if you’re busy bleeding everywhere, right?” he finished up the makeshift bandage, using a safety pin to keep it together. The light brown fabric he’d grabbed looked almost like a little shoe on her. Almost.

Rarity looked at it for a moment before sighing, as if she were dealing with a nearly un-teachable child. Which, judging by the filly downstairs, she’d had some experience with. Either way, Ryan was almost guaranteed that Rarity would be absolutely fawning over him for being as handy as-

“I meant because I have a First Aid kit, dear.”

Ryan’s palm hit his face at a remarkable speed, resounding with a loud slap. He could’ve kicked himself. Well, so much for his plan of looking like a nice guy instead of an idiot. Of course they had first aid. How else would the other ponies have managed to get him wrapped in cranial bandages?

And, of course, it had to be at the moment when he was feeling like a complete imbecile that somepony decided to kick in the door.

“Rarity, I heard you scream! Are you hurt? Did he mention anything about ticke- oh,my.”

Yay. More Fluttershy.

It was then that he noticed that the shirt wrapped around his waist, while doing a decent job of covering one half, was doing a really crappy job of covering the other.

“How dare you violate the sanctity of my friend’s home!” Fluttershy was much louder this time, getting right up in his face. “Unforgivable!”

“Chill, bitch! I wasn’t ‘violating your friend’s sanctity’, or shit!”

Twilight poked her head in through the open doorway, surveying the chaos. She had a helping hand in this… Ryan thought bitterly. Uh… hoof. Whatever. He grabbed the half-finished pants, nearly leaping into them. It took a bit of work between Purple and Whitey to calm down Yellow, but by that point, Rarity was thoroughly interested in these ‘tickets’.

At least it couldn’t get any worse.

“So…” Twilight said, trying to break the awkward silence that had developed. “…Who’s Juanita?”

Ryan fucking hated unicorns.

It wasn’t much longer before Ryan had a matching light brown shirt to go with the pants. The pants weren’t too bad, actually; they were fairly comfortable, not too scratchy, and they had a slightly silky quality while still feeling heavy enough to wear easily. Plus, Rarity had managed to work in a pair of pockets for him. Granted, his hands were far too large for them, but they held the little things, like the wadded up photograph he carried and his (empty) wallet.

Which he was fairly upset to find empty, considering it hadn’t been that way before he wound up in Equestria. He stomped down the stairs of Carousel Boutique, passing the filly he’d seen before on the way.

“Hey, there you are!” she pointed out in a squeaky voice. “You two sure made an awful lot of noise. What’ve you been so busy with?” she asked, eyeing his new clothes.

“Busy violating your sister, apparently.”

“Oh.” Sweetie Belle said, continuing upstairs.

He trudged through the home/business, and out what he discovered was actually a side door to meet up with Whitey, Yellow, and fuckin’ problem causing Purple. No doubt Twilight had some other friend she wanted him to meet, after the discussion she and Rarity had been having. Something about it being ‘that time of the day’, and some garbage about the weather.

Women. Meh.

He shrugged it off. Couldn’t be that important.

Sweetie Belle’s mother sat at the kitchen table of her daughter’s business, slowly drinking a comforting cup of coffee.

It had been one strange and difficult day. First problems helping Rarity move materials, Sweetie Belle’s unending curiosity and insistence on learning how to cook properly, (how does one even burn cereal?) and the arrival of a giant hairless weasel on top of everything else.

Yes. She needed her coffee. She was just about to take one of those ‘my eyes are half-lidded and I’m taking a deep drink because it heals my soul’ drinks from her mug when Sweetie Belle tugged on her elbow gently, but not so much that any coffee was spilled.

“Hm? What is it, dear?” her mother asked without removing the cup, almost desperate to get her drink.

“Mom?” Sweetie Belle asked, staring intently at her mother.

“Phwat if it, howey?” her mother replied, taking a large swallow of the hot liquid.

“What’s ‘busy violating your sister’?”

Her mother choked on her coffee.

Author's Notes:

By the way, does anyone know anything about making covers on some site like Deviantart? It'd make a handy addition. Believe me, though, I've tried. And it looked HORRENDOUS. So, I'm hoping somebody else will have an easier time with that kind of thing.

Dear Princess Trollestia

Ryan Miller was having a hell of a day.

He’d been jerked through a whirlwind of chaos, received death threats of an ‘innocent’ little pony, been kicked in the head (and other very important parts), nearly stabbed to death with bedazzled scissors and stripped naked.

It had not been a fun day.

Needless to say, Ryan was in a moderately foul mood when things only went downhill from there.

“Oh, but you simply must, darling!” Rarity whined at Twilight. “Can you imagine how badly my Prince Charming, my one true love will feel if I never arrive at the Gala?”

“How do you know he’s your one true love if you’ve never met?” Twilight asked wryly. She was getting sick of Rarity’s constant pestering for that ticket, and she was just as distracting as Fluttershy. Fortunately, Yellow butterfly butt had decided to drift off elsewhere, though for god knows what. Ryan guessed it couldn’t be good.

Or maybe she’d just gotten sick of Whiney Whitey.

Twilight really was doing her damned best to get to the library, although Rarity certainly wasn’t making it easy. “Look, darling, we’ll swap, hm? My lovely new sunhat for one itsy bitsy teeny weeny ticket, sounds like a fair deal to me!”

Rarity levitated a large, billowing sunhat in front of Twilight to show her, and jammed it on her head before she could reply.

“Look – hnng – dear, it… hrm! Fits perfectly!” Rarity struggled, forcing the hat onto Twilight’s head.

“That’s quite enough, Rarity; I just can’t decide who I’m giving the other ticket to the Gala to… I… I just need time!” Twilight strained to remove the poofy yellow sunhat, eventually removing it with a pop! before she handed it back to her friend. “Just some time, is all I need.”

“Oh… Alright, dear…” Rarity said, though she didn’t sound very sure. She went on her own way, throwing several glances back over her shoulder at Twilight, perhaps as if hoping she’d change her mind halfway.

After Rarity was a good distance away, Twilight groaned unhappily. Which, of course, only made it funnier to Ryan.

“What’s the matter, Purple? Hard time disappointing anyone?”

“It’s not funny, you.” she sighed, trudging toward the huge tree, dragging her hooves. Spike hopped off her back to get to the door, and just in time, too.

A speeding, rainbow colored blur slammed into Twilight, knocking her off to the side with an Oof! They tumbled and twisted, finally crashing into a wall, narrowly missing a large trash can. Twilight, fairly shaken, pried her eyes back open, only to find that the world had twisted itself upside down. Or, rather, she’d landed upside down, and discovered such just in time to finish slipping down the wall next to yet another Pegasus.

All of this took place within a span of about four seconds, giving Ryan just enough time to gawk at the fact that Purple had just been smashed into by a predominantly cerulean blue Pegasus, be thankful for the fact that it wasn’t him, and quickly decide that, yes, it was quite funny.

He couldn’t tell how Twilight knew, and from the glares she gave him as she shakily stood, she definitely knew.

It was probably the hysterical laughter that gave it away.

“Hey, Twi! What’s this I hear about a ticket to the Gala? As in, the Grand Galloping Gala?”

“Oh, for Celestia’s sake.”

With as much trouble as Twilight was going through, this was like freakin’ candy to Ryan. He sorely wished for some popcorn to sit back and watch the show.

It was little moments like these that made it completely worth being kicked in the head.

Well. Almost completely worth being kicked in the head.

“Omigoshomigoshomigoshomigosh! The Grand Galloping Gala, and I even hear that the Wonderbolts are going to be there, can you even-“

“Rainbow Dash, I can’t give the ticket to you.”

Well, way to cut the fun short, Purple.

“Tell her why you can’t give her the ticket, and how disappointed your friends are in you!” Ryan cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted to her ‘helpfully’.

He swore, if that pony had hands, she’d have mangled him by now.

Besides, he was positive he saw a blur of yellow moving in the library…

And he got the feeling it’d be worth stalling for.

Twilight’s head drooped a little in guilt. “I… I’m sorry, Dash. But… I just have so many others asking for a ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala, and I only have two, and – Aaagh!”

The grey metal trash can beside Twilight burst open with a clang!, and a bright pink pony with a bouncy, bubblegum colored mane jutted her head out.

“Gasp! Did somepony say something about a ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala?!”
Like freakin’ candy.

Pink bounced back into the trash can, closing the lid neatly above her with a snap. Which confused the hell out of Ryan, watching her skip happily around the corner of the building almost immediately after she did so.

… ‘The fuck.

“I hear that the Grand Galloping Gala has the best sorts of parties! The partiest of parties! And what party is a party party without Pinkie Pie? ‘Cause then it’s not a Pinkie Pie party party, it’s just a party party-!”

Judging from the colorful balloons on this one’s flank, he was guessing that Pinkie Pie had a thing for parties.

“No, Pinkie!” Twilight snapped, heading for the library once more. “The situation is the same as I told Rainbow, before Ryan… wait.” She stopped midsentence, eyebrows furrowing. “Rainbow Dash.” She said slowly.

“Yes, oh bestest friend of the best flyer in all of Equestria?” Rainbow Dash replied sweetly, nudging a puffy white cloud over Twilight for shade. She gave her friend a huge smile before settling down excitedly in front of her.

“… You know, most other ponies we’ve crossed today have been pretty weirded out by my new friend, here.”

“Oh, well, you see, uh…” Dash stuttered, beginning to shuffle back and forth nervously.

“So,” Twilight asked casually. “how long have you been following us?”

“…”

“Dash!”

“All day!” she confessed, wings flapping down to her sides defensively. “I was just curious, and when I heard about the tickets…!”

Twilight sighed, looking wearily at her friend. “What about you, Pinkie – Pie? Where did you go?” she whirled around, only to find Pinkie and Ryan chatting animatedly. And, for once, it would appear the smile on Ryan’s face wasn’t brought about through sheer maliciousness.

“So, like, you a spy too?”

“Of course not, silly filly! I don’t even have a cardboard box!” the little pink pony practically pranced around Ryan, looking him over excitedly. “I use most of my cardboard for storing party supplies… Ooh! You’re Twi’s new friend, right? That means you must be our new friend, too! I can’t wait to throw you a ‘Welcome to Equestria’ party! And an after party party, and the cleanup party after the after party party, and-“

“Whoa, chill out, Pink.” Ryan said, holding up a hand. She reminded him so much of his ludicrously hyperactive cousin Danielle, it was almost spooky. Well, at least Pink wasn’t nearly as much into Japanese animation as his cousin. That made things slightly less weird.

Less weird helps with ponies that have a tendency of shattering the laws of physics on a regular basis.

“Tell you what,” Ryan said. “You tell me exactly why you’re not surprised to see me, and I’ll come to your party.” It was an outright lie, but it’d help get him a little more information than he currently had.

“Pinkie Promise?” the pony asked, stopping suddenly in front of him. She gave him a dead serious look, right into his eyes. It was a little spooky; he almost felt that if he broke his promise, she’d know. He shook off such a ridiculous notion, and shook his head. “Yeah, sure. Whatever.”

“Cross your heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in your-“

“Whoa, I’m not that desperate!”

“Eye?”

“Oh. Uh, yeah.” Ryan agreed, scratching the back of his greasy head.

It was then that Ryan noticed Purple staring intently at him, watching them. That was… interesting. He made a personal mental note to use more convincing lies in front of Twilight.

“You’re not the first human in Equestria, silly!”

Okay, that caught him off guard.

“Wait, what? How did you know I’m human? Are there others like me here?”

“Nopey dopey!” Pinkie announced cheerfully, resuming her roundabout bouncing.

“But- but you said I’m not the first…?”

“And not the last!”

“So, where are they?” Ryan was starting to get annoyed. Sure, this pony was okay. Especially since her color was in her name. Easy to remember. But she was starting to get on his nerves.

“Here!”

“You said they weren’t here!”

“Well, not right here, silly! They’re in Equestria!” Trying to keep up with her sense of logic was starting to break his brain.

“Hold up. Then how come Purple – “ he said, jabbing a thumb accusingly at Twilight. “said she never heard of humans before? Ain’t she supposed to be the smart one, or something?”

Pinkie blinked at him, and burst out giggling. “Not this Equestria. Just in Equestria!”

“… What.”

And with that, she bounced off, leaving him far more confused than he was before he met her.

And, believe me, he was plenty confused before he met Pinkie Pie.

For a moment, the only ones left outside the library were a silent Twilight Sparkle, a guiltily shuffling Pegasus, and one very befuddled shaved ape.

“… Okay, ‘the fuck just happened.”

“I, uh… think I’ll come back later.” Rainbow Dash said slowly, flapping her wings quickly and took off. At an impressively high speed, too; it occurred to Ryan that he could probably get around a lot quicker here if he put a saddle on one of the horses, since there didn’t seem to be any cars. The only problem being that he didn’t have a saddle.

Well, and he doubted any of the locals would take too kindly to being ridden.

Twilight sighed heavily, gesturing with her head towards the door. “Let’s just go inside. We need to get things sorted out with – Fluttershy?”

Completely worth stalling for.

Fluttershy was zipping around the library mid-air, holding Spike aloft so that he could rearrange books haphazardly.

That wasn’t the surprising part.

The surprising part came from the freakin’ multitude of forest critters, swarming around doing their best to clean and tidy up. Hell, he saw a squirrel using its tail as a makeshift broom. A couple of chipmunks, one in a tiny brown jacket and another in a flowered red shirt, were busy squabbling over a rather large dust bunny. Ryan was slightly amazed that it hadn’t been torn apart by the two. He was also slightly amazed that he had barely avoided stepping on them, and the two barely even noticed his existence.

Then again, after the encounter with Pinkie, his sense of surprise was a little out of whack.

“Damn, this is some Cinderella shit, right here.”

“Fluttershy, what are you doing?” Twilight barked in agitation.

“Oh, I’m just-“

“That’s it!” Twilight yelled, and all at once everything in the room just… stopped. Which seemed to surprise Flutterella as well, apparently.

Her horn glowed with a bright violet, and every living thing in the room steadily floated up into the air, zooming out the door one by one. Eventually, all the woodland animals drifted out of the house, leaving only Spike, the two ponies, and Ryan.

Who was floating in the air, helpless once again.

He hated being helpless almost as much as he was starting to hate unicorns.

Twilight huffed angrily, flipping her hair – er, mane – out of the way as she set everything else down on the ground gently with her telekinesis. Ryan’s back hit the floor with a slight flump, and he sat up gingerly.

No outbursts of anger… hold it… wait for it… he thought to himself, clenching his fists. It gradually passed as he let it go, which he was glad for. He hadn’t spent all that time stalling just so he could be the one to explode.

“Fluttershy…” Twilight began through clenched teeth.

Here it comes…! Ryan thought with barely suppressed glee.

“I… I’m sorry, Twilight.” Fluttershy muttered, bowing her head in shame. Her wings tucked in sharply, and she did her best to look even smaller and less intimidating.

Twilight sighed, hugging her friend. “It’s okay. I completely understand.”

No, wait. What?

“No, wait. What?”

Twilight looked at Ryan, confused. “What do you mean, what?”

“I mean, seriously! ‘The fuck! These little bastards have been pestering you all day for those little scraps of paper! You should be angry! And righteously so!” Ryan roared, standing up and shaking a finger at her. “As a matter of fact, I’m shocked you haven’t punched one of your friends in the face yet!”

“I don’t know how things work where you come from,” Twilight began slowly. “but Fluttershy; all of them. They’re all right. They are my friends. And no friendship is worth throwing away, even to present something like… well, you at the Gala.”

Rarity, who had been opening the door, stood with her mouth agape. “Oh, darling. I had no idea you were so distressed over the whole ordeal! And to think, I had been coming back over simply to apologize to you – oh, you poor thing!” she cried, flinging herself at Twilight to give her a hug.

“Well, darn. Guess somepony beat me to the punch.” Applejack admitted with a sheepish grin as she trotted through the door behind Rarity, pulling her hat down a little over her eyes. It took her all of a split second to cross the room and join her friends.

How the hell they could hug anything without any arms was beyond Ryan.

“Yuppie duppie guppie!” Pinkie Pie giggled, prancing down the stairs and leaping off of them halfway to meet her friends.

“Pinkie, how did – ah, forget it.” Twilight said with a smile, welcoming her into the group hug.

“I, uh… I don’t suppose it’s too late for-“ Rainbow Dash began, sticking her head in self-consciously through the window by the stairs.

“Of course there’s room for the awesomest flyer in Equestria!” Pinkie squealed, grabbing Dash’s hooves and yanking her though the window to the rest of the group. They shared a ‘daaww picture perfect Kodak moment’ hug for several seconds, before Twilight poked her head out from the middle of the group. “Spike,” she announced. “Take a letter.”

Well, that was a day not well spent.

“… So you sent back the tickets.”

“Yup.” Twilight said.

“… You sent back. The tickets.”

“Even though I’d give just about anything to be by Princess Celestia’s side at the Gala, giving up my friends or disappointing the rest isn’t something I’d do.”

“You tell him, Twi.” Applejack said, stretching her back. They’d been sitting in the library for quite a while now, and it wouldn’t be much longer before the sun went down. Spike sat on the stairs, glaring at Ryan angrily.

It wasn’t his fault. He was just trying to help send the damned letter. But, apparently, dangling the dragon upside down by his tail didn’t help things at all.

( “Well, you barfed the letter out!”

“It doesn’t go in the other end!” )

Twilight was horrified at Ryan’s confusion, although the rest of the ponies seemed to find it hilarious. Particularly Pinkie, which worried him slightly for reasons unknown. Even Fluttershy was doing her best to keep from laughing.

No, Spike wasn’t going to forgive him for that one for a long, long time. But Ryan didn’t really worry about that. Pfft. What were the odds that Spike would ever be bigger than him in this lifetime?

“You sent. Back. The tic-“

“YES, we know,” Twilight said. “And I don’t-“ she was immediately cut off by Spike, who promptly belched out yet another rolled up scroll.

“You’ve got mail.” Ryan declared in his best robotic voice as Twilight unrolled it, and Spike rubbed his stomach satisfactorily. As she did so, the rest of her gathered friends gasped in surprise as a handful (hoof full?) of golden tickets showered out, littering the ground.

The group made so much racket with their excitement it could have woken the dead.

“Quiet down, quiet down!” Ryan shouted unhelpfully, adding to the ruckus. Seeing that the whole room was filled with books, he quickly grabbed a pair of the shelf and did what every kindergartener did at every opportunity.

He took the pair of books and slammed them together as hard as he could.

The resulting SLAM! shook the ponies out of their chatter and left them all quite shell-shocked, which Ryan noted with great satisfaction.

“Okay, one more question.” Ryan said to them all, holding up a finger. “From what I’ve heard over the course of the day, I’m guessing you all know who Princess Celestia is, right?”

“Well, evidently, darling,” Rarity said. “Who do you think helped her with the whole Nightmare Moon situation?”

“Hang on. You all know this princess personally?”

They all balked at him, nodding their heads.

“Okay. So, the princess knows you all personally after you, what, saved her hide?”

“Something like that,” Twilight said slowly.

“… So… why did she only send two tickets the first time?”

Oh, look. Fluttershy’s eye-twitch is back.

Author's Notes:

Thanks for the read, and hope you enjoyed.
A very special thanks to all the reviewers and commentators out there!

All That Glitters

“Are you fucking kidding me? Saw a snake? Really?!”

“For the sixth time, yes.” Twilight answered, exasperated. It was a fine morning, with an easy breeze rolling through Ponyville. He didn’t mean to sleep in as late as he did.

“Then how come I didn’t-“

“It was about ten minutes ago. You missed the whole thing!” Pinkie Pie said, bouncing around in her usual bubbly fashion. “I haven’t seen a rodeo like that in forever!”

Ryan spent the last night in the home of Twilight Sparkle, and it was not a particularly lovely experience for either of them. Probably due to the fact that he had shoved the pony out of her own bed in order to clamber into it.

By this point, you’d really think he’d learn to remember about the unicorn magic.

Ergo, he spent half the night in a floating pink bubble.

Very, very angrily.

Since nobody – nopony, whatever, - seemed to be coming to let him out, and his nonstop ranting and swearing couldn’t wake anyone up through the bubble, he eventually gave up and tried to sleep in it by crimping up unhappily at the bottom. Ryan didn’t even think about needing air until he was fast asleep, and nightmares of suffocating inside the bubble woke him continuously.

Much to his surprise, however, the bubble unexpectedly popped about half way through the night, dropping Ryan to the library floor with a heavy plunk.

More accurately, leaving Ryan free to obtain revenge.

Or, at least he promised himself he would, if he weren’t so damned tired. So, Ryan curled up and slept on the floor next to a bookcase, did his best to ignore his hunger, and fitfully fell back asleep.

He awoke in a rather comfortable bed, blankets tucked neatly around him.

“Yoo-hoo. Anypony in there?” Twilight asked, waving her hoof in front of his face.

“Zuh-huh?” he stuttered, startled out of his haze.

“You’ve just been standing there staring at me, for, like, the last five minutes.”

“Oh. Uh. Just… distracted.” Ryan grumbled, sticking his hands in his pockets and shambling off down the road. Twilight followed closely behind him.

“I know I didn’t show you much of Ponyville before, but hopefully we can make up for some lost time today. I know I put that schedule somewhere…”

Ryan scratched his head, wishing for a pair of sunglasses. The morning light was starting to give him a headache. Unfortunately, when he awoke in front of Twilight’s home, all he had in his pockets was the single faded photograph.

No phone, no lighter, no cigarettes, no wallet, no – wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Yeah. Yeah, he did wake up in front of Twilight Sparkle’s home. One of the few ponies in charge of some ‘Elements of Harmony’, or something like that from what Rarity had told him of their escapades last night. Exactly what were the odds that he’d wind up there, of all places?

And this princess. Evidently, Equestria was run by some kind of monarchy, meaning that they had either a military or an awful lot of tools at their disposal. Probably both. If the first thing Purple did upon seeing Ryan was inform her princess, why was he still here with Twilight and her friends? It would seem that the most logical course of action would be to intervene directly, instead of expecting him to show up at some freakin’ gala…

Something wasn’t right.

“Awfully introspective today, aren’t we?” Twilight asked slyly, sidling up beside him as they walked through the town.

“Huh?”

Ryan wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t trust the look she was giving him.

Play dumb!

Shut up, brain, I can handle this!

“Oh, yeah,” Ryan said, rubbing his stomach. “I was just thinkin’, since those cows were here and all, did any of them stick around?”

“Why?” Twilight asked curiously, cocking her head slightly. A pony selling flowers from a transportable booth stared for a moment as they passed, then gave them both a warm smile and waved. The noise in town was starting to pick up.

“Well, because I want to kill it. Duh.”

“What?” Twilight shrieked in revulsion. “What- why would you even… please tell me that this is another one of your sick jokes!”

Purple’s outburst surprised Ryan a little, although in hindsight, he really should have expected it. Especially considering the fact that all of these ponies were herbivores, eating any kind of meat must be like cannibalism to them.

“Well, uh ‘cause… I’m hungry.”

She stared at him again as it dawned on her, abject horror spreading across her face. He felt a little guilty then, but couldn’t put his finger on why, exactly.

He didn’t really expect them to be so… human.

Twilight quivered a bit, and looked like she was going to be sick. “Look, you… you can’t do that, okay?” she said shakily, trying to push the terrible mental images out of her mind. “Just… you eat waffles, things like that, right?”

Ryan sighed, pushing his long greasy black hair out of his eyes. Knowing his luck, the cows were probably anthropomorphic, too. “I can’t live on hay waffles, Purple.” He wanted to say, I FUCKIN’ NEED MEAT!, but refrained himself. “I’m not a horse like you.”

“Pony.”

“Whatever. There’s no steak to be had here, so I’m gonna go… is that a bakery?” he asked, pointing out Sugarcube Corner.

“Yes, but that isn’t –“ she face-hoofed, getting an idea. “Yes! Yes, it is a bakery! I know it’s not on schedule, but… just take this.” She said, telekinetically lifting out a very small burlap sack out of her saddlebag and dropping it in his outstretched hands. It was tied off at the top, and it felt pretty heavy for something of its size.

“… And this is…” Ryan said, holding up the bag.

“Bits. That should be enough for breakfast, at least.” She said, standing up on her hind legs and pushing him towards Sugarcube Corner.

“Oh, uh… thanks?” Ryan muttered. “Now quit pushin’, I can go in myself.” He stepped away from her, letting her two front hooves fall to the ground from the sudden lack of support. Almost as an afterthought, Ryan turned his head slightly as he rested his hand on the door. “You, uh… want anything, Purple?”

She was busy looking off in another direction, and shook her head. “Uh, no thanks. I’ve really got to go… catch up with somepony. Take your time!” and with that, she bolted off in the direction she’d been gazing.

It was apparent she didn’t want to ditch him, although for whose sake was unclear. “I’ll be back in a bit!” she shouted over her shoulder, galloping as fast as she could straight through a crowd. He quickly lost sight of her, and shrugged half-heartedly.

Hey, as long as she didn’t know he was suspicious of anything, that made things easier on his part.

He grumbled darkly about how the pastries had better not be made with hay as well, and pushed the door open. A small bell tinkled somewhere inside and he took in a deep breath, relieved to be out of the sun.

“Hiya, Ryan! Wanna help me make some cupcakes?”

“No thanks, Pink. I’m just here for – wait, Pinkie?” he said, startled. He watched her frilly mane bounce up from behind the counter, the rest of her quickly following suit. “What are you doing here?”

“I live here, silly filly!” Pinkie Pie replied with a giggle, as if he’d just asked the most ridiculous question imaginable. “And I could really use some help making cupcakes, and – “

“Whoa, no. No free labor for you.” he said, jabbing a finger at her. “I’m just here for food.”

It didn’t slow her down in the slightest, discovering that Ryan had no intentions of helping her whatsoever. “Oki-doki-loki! What’ll ya’ have?” she asked, gesturing to the rather large display of assorted cakes, treats and pastries. Well, it was no steak, but it was something other than hay waffles.

“I dunno,” Ryan said, checking the pouch Twilight had given him. “I thi- holy ass balls!” he cried out, eyes widening in shock.

Gold.

It was filled to the brim with coins of solid fuckin’ gold.

After a few brief moments of silence, Ryan did something even Pinkie didn’t see coming.

“WHOO! WHOO HOO HOO HOO!”

“Whoo! Whoo choo hoo!” Pinkie yelled with him, leaping up on top of the counter.

“I’m rich! Filthy rich! Dirty stinkin’ filthy fuckin’ rich!” Ryan did a little dance with glee, wobbling his arms back and forth like a massive featherless chicken. He probably looked a little… well, a lot stupid, but by this point, he didn’t care.

“We’re filthy rich, even!” Pinkie added, doing her own little dance on the countertop.

“Fuck the rent, I'm gonna pay Carlos! No, fuck that; I’m gonna buy a jet!” Ryan cheered happily, now swinging the back around like a propeller blade.

“I don’t know what that is!” Pinkie laughed, doing her best imitation of Ryan’s helicopter imitation.

It was at this point that a very confused Mr. and Mrs. Cake struggled in through a side door, lifting a large triple layered cake with bright green frosting between them.

Ryan stopped mid-dance, which, unfortunately for him, had been when he’d grabbed a couple of party streamers and was dancing around, using them as makeshift tassels.

The only one that didn’t stop dancing was Pinkie, still on top of the counter singing something about throwing cake on the ground. And, of course, it was also the precise moment when Ryan realized a very important fact. It didn’t matter how much the gold coins were worth if he couldn’t get home.

“… Well. This is awkward.”

Author's Notes:

Maybe return trips could help.

An Unexpected Friendship Lesson From Experiment #626

Mr. and Mrs. Cake were surprisingly forgiving people. Well, ponies. They wholeheartedly and eagerly forgave Ryan for trashing their shop in his excitement.

“Stupid fuckin’ ponies,” he grumbled, scrubbing frosting off the floor with a mop.

On the condition that he cleaned up his mess.

“Aw, come on. It’s not that bad!” Pinkie said cheerfully, sticking her hoof into a glob of bright pink frosting and tasting it. Ryan would have been much happier had they simply let him leave in peace. On the bright side, they let him eat whatever he liked, so long as his work was finished in a timely manner.

“Yes. It is. Anything that involves manual labor is horrible and cruel.” Ryan shot back, sweeping the mop in a steady fashion.

“I have a song for that! Do you like sea shanties?” she didn’t give him time to answer, belting out into song before he could reply.

“Pink,” he began.

“WHEN I WAS A LITTLE FILLY-“

“Pinkie.” He said more sternly, desperately jamming his fingers in his ears.

“AND THE SUN WAS GOING DO~OWN!”

“PINKIE!”

“THE D-“

“Oh, god, shut up!” Ryan yelled, sticking his hand in her open mouth. To his shock, he watched his arm practically slide through, until her mouth was over his elbow.

Ryan was silent for a moment, before jerking his arm back.

“AW, GROSS!” he complained, wiping off an armful of drool. Pinkie was busy trying to scrub the taste of unwashed arm off her tongue with the mop.

“Yew’lle tewwig me! Blech!”

Ryan did his best to wipe the slobber on his pants, and shook the rest off. “Well, that was…” he was going to say ‘disgusting’, but changed it last minute to “… kind of impressive. I mean, holy shit, you’ve got a big mouth.”

It was possibly the first time he’d ever seen Pinkie deadpan. “Yeah. You’re one to talk.”

Snarky little… Ryan grinned at that, picking the mop back up and wringing it out to continue cleaning. “If you’re not gonna barf on the floor or anything, you could help clean it, you know. Speaking of which; don’t ponies have gag reflexes?”

Pinkie scratched her chin with her hoof, thinking. It was a very strange look; seeing a pony behaving in such a human manner. “I think so. I guess I just don’t have much of one.”

“I guess not,” Ryan shrugged, agreeing with her. “not many others can say they can easily deep throat an arm.”

“What’s that mean?”

Ryan paused, berating himself. Of course that one would require an explanation. “It, uh… just stick with the ‘no gag reflex’ thing. As a matter of fact, let’s just not bring it back up again.”

“Almost finished up in here?” Mr. Cake said, sticking his head through the kitchen doorway cheerfully to check up on them. The bright yellow pony and owner of Sugarcube Corner peered around, seeing that a good chunk of the work had been done rather well. Mr. Cake himself had flaming orange hair, sticking out in odd places underneath his red and yellow cap.

“Yuppie-duppie! Pinkie Pie announced excitedly. “Ryan here was just teaching me about deep throat!”

Ryan could have sworn Mr. Cake was trying to impersonate Pinkie, because his yellow face had just gone quite a few shades pinker. His mouth opened and closed several times, but nothing came out.

“Turns out, I’m really good at it! No gag reflex at all!”

If Mr. Cake were to turn any redder, he’d make a better tomato than a pony. “Oh. Well. That’s…” he stumbled over his words, struggling to find something to say. As flustered as he was, it was rather difficult.

“… Keep up the good work.” Was all he managed to say quickly, before turning on the spot and trotting off.

Ryan facepalmed, groaning. Yeah. This was going to be easy to explain. And now, to top it off, Pinkie was going to have all of Ponyville claiming that he was some form of deviant.

Well, he was a complete deviant. But not that bad.

“Is it just me, or did Mr. Cake look a little flushed to you?” Pinkie asked him, putting a pan of pastries behind the counter.

“I dunno, Pink.” Ryan lied, finishing up with the mop. “He might just be feelin’ sick.”

“Oh my gosh, you’re right!” she exclaimed, bouncing up. “He probably has a terrible fever and-“

“Yeah, that’s great, but I’ve really got to get goin’ now.” Ryan said, jamming a thumb toward the door. He didn’t have anywhere to go, even if he knew where he was going. He just really didn’t want to be here when Mr. Cake got his voice back.

“Okie-doki-loki!” Pinkie said to him in a chipper tone, carrying a thermometer and an ice bag to Mr. Cake, wherever he had gone.

After a few seconds of standing in silence, Ryan shrugged and said to himself “Time to make like a cake and… split. Christ, I’m bad at jokes.”

Ryan was walking down the side street through the middle of Ponyville, trying to look like he was minding his own business.

In actuality, he’d already scared the living daylights out of four innocent ponies, stolen three loafs of bread (which he ate almost immediately), and knocked over two salesponies’ stands.

And a partridge in a pair tree. He thought to himself happily. He wasn’t sure what possessed him to, but he eventually stopped on a curb, habitually checking his pockets. He’d have killed for a couple of cigarettes by this point. Every time he had them anywhere near his cousins, one of them was bound to annoy him over them. He thought back fondly to when Danielle, the twin sister of Donald, had gotten irate at him for smoking in her house. However, when Donald commented on the same thing, she snagged Ryan’s lighter from his pocket.

And used it to light Donald’s shirt on fire from behind.

Good times.

All he had in his pocket was the faded photograph he’d grabbed before flinging himself into the violet hell-hole that dropped him in this world, though. He unfolded it gingerly, gazing down at the yellowed paper. He’d almost forgotten what his aunt looked like; although she’d been dead for quite some time now. In the picture, he could see a much smaller pair of twins, waving happily in front of their parents. Ryan, much younger in this photo, stood sheepishly behind his aunt, staring at the photographer.

He wondered how the twins were faring about now. He used to visit them almost daily, to make sure they were okay. Most of the days were on the same ones he visited Tiny Tim at the Children’s Hospital, and Nurse Racksalot. Eventually, though, the visits were cut to about one a week, and then once every couple of weeks. The only way he kept in touch with them was through phone, and Ryan sorely wished he had it back. Although Equestria probably didn’t get very good signal.

As a matter of fact, the last time he’d even seen the twins, one of them was possessed by an ancient evil inter-dimensional demonic revenge-driven alien, and the other had been about to commit the equivalent of suicide for the sake of rescuing her twin. However, a time traveling doctor discovered that Miller genetic code was required in order to prevent universal apocalypse, and Ryan threw himself out the window into the maw of chaos itself.

And that’s the short version.

“Ah, good! There you are!” he heard Twilight’s voice behind him, and he nearly jumped.

“Oh, uh. Yeah. Hey, Purple.” He said lamely, holding up a hand in a sort of half-wave. A shadow passed overhead, and for a brief moment, he wondered if Rainbow had moved one of the clouds again. He squinted upwards, and though he saw no sign of a Pegasus, he could have sworn he saw what looked like a griffin.

It really wouldn’t have surprised him much.

“I see you’ve managed to find substitution for… breakfast.” Twilight said pointedly, eyeing the many breadcrumbs on his shirt. He brushed them off, and nodded. “What’s that?” she asked, glancing at the photo before Ryan could jam it back in his pocket. He nearly told her to fuck off, as he had grown used to doing in the short time he’d been in her homeland, but he sighed and showed it to her with one hand.

“You have a family?” she asked, sitting next to him and levitating it closer to get a better look.

“I used to. They’re… really far away.” He said pensively. His shoulders drooped, and for a moment, Twilight could have sworn he looked… almost sad. “They’re… ohana.”

She tilted her head, unfamiliar with the phrase. “O-ha-na?”

“Ohana means real close; nobody gets left behind. A blue cartoon alien taught me that shit.” He explained, carefully folding the picture back up and putting it in his pocket. He never did like those damnable Disney flicks his cousin tried shoving down his throat. Too much singing.

“… I see.” She said, thinking. Many ponies passed them, but hardly any paid any attention. Ryan supposed it was true just about anywhere in any universe; give someone enough time to acclimate to something strange, and eventually, nobody gives a damn.

“Are we… ohana?” Twilight asked him suddenly, looking up at him.

He stared back at her for a moment, running a hand through his greasy hair. After a moment of contemplation, he gave her a toothy grin. “… Sure, kid. We’re ohana. Ohana means, uh.. family.” He recited.

“And family means, nobody gets left behind.”

If he wasn’t careful, these multicolored little bastards were going to start growing on him.

But he doubted it.

Author's Notes:

A special thanks to all the favourites and likes!
Any way the story can be better, or is there something you like/dislike about it?
Let me know in that little comment section below.

Misery Loves Company

It was early afternoon by the time Twilight and Ryan returned to the library. It had been a productive day, on the most part. Well, for Twilight.

For Ryan, it was just more unpaid labor.

“Hnng – where do you… fffffnnnk – want these fuckers?” he grunted as he heaved the pile of scrolls through the doorway, trying his best not to let any slip out of his grasp.

Again.

They were much heavier than they looked. The browning parchment didn’t do much wriggling away, although several pieces ripped when he tried to keep them from slipping.

Twilight sighed, pushing the door open with her hoof for him. “You know, I could’ve just levitated them.”

“I said, I got… hnnnf… it.” As he dropped the pile on the table, it creaked slightly under the weight, and a couple of scrolls rolled onto the floor. Spike wandered into the kitchen, scratching his scaly stomach. “Hey, there you guys are. Boy, have I been busy today.”

“I understand, but did you really have to try to carry them all at once?”

Spike waved to Twilight slowly, giving her an dumbfounded look.

“Yes,” Ryan said, flexing one of his arms to show muscle. “I did.”

“Hello. Anypony in there?” Spike asked, looking between the two.

“I swear, you have the most incurable case of Chauvinistic Male Syndrome I have ever seen.”

“I don’t know what that means.” Ryan admitted with ease, kicking his feet up on the table and trying not to knock any of the scrolls off. He was failing miserably. “So, what’d you need all these for, anyway?”

Twilight glared at him, levitating the fallen scrolls up and arranging the rest on the table in a neat pyramid. “Were you listening to me at all on the way back?”

“… Uh…. Eeeeee-yyyyy-eeeeee-ssss?” he guessed cautiously.

She groaned again, and Ryan could tell that if she had fingers, she’d be pinching the bridge of her nose in irritation. So far, though, she was settling for the face-hoof.

She reminded him a bit of his cousin, Donald. Bright little kid.

Certified genius, actually. Brilliant in most terms imaginable.

Completely unbearable little pain in the ass.

Apparently, Twilight took his grin for something else, as she levitated a couple up and dropped them in Ryan’s lap. “These,” she began. “are going to help you for later tonight.”

Ryan shot her a confused look, pinching one of the scrolls between his fingers and holding it up. “How? These are all blank, aren’t they?”

“Yes. Yes, they are.” And she said that with such a smug, self-satisfied smile that it was more than enough to ensure Ryan knew that she had more work for him to do.

“WHAT AM I, CHOPPED LIVER?” Spike wailed.

Ryan groaned for the umpteenth time, his hand crimping in protest. He dropped the quill onto the writing table, clutching his hand in discomfort.

“I can’t go on… go! Go on without… me… save yourself!” he gasped dramatically, dropping to the floor.

“Oh, get up, you. You’ve only just begun to scratch the tip of the iceberg.”

“ARE YOU FUCKIN’ KIDDING ME?”

He’d been writing for hours, and the sun was beginning to go down. According to Twilight, as he had properly guessed, sending him into Sugarcube Corner had been a distraction. While he was busy wreaking havoc, Twilight had been busy catching up to Applejack and contacting her friends, doing her best to put things right between them and Ryan. When Twilight had asked for help, Applejack offered to attempt to convince Granny Smith to allow Ryan back into their home when invited for dinner, given that there were no repeat instances of last time.

All in all, they’d been exceptionally forgiving.

Meaning that there has to be some kind of self-serving reasoning behind it. Nobody does anything out of the goodness of their freakin’ hearts, Ryan thought suspiciously.

He’d been writing almost nonstop, and Twilight kept him on track. Nearly a quarter of the scrolls had been filled with everything Twilight had been saying to him, all of it nonsensical garbage about proper behavior, table manners, light conversational topics, and mindless crap about ‘friendship’.

He was ready to use the quill to stab his eyes out.

And the ink pots – CHRIST, where they a pain in the ass. He vowed to talk to some of these ponies about getting some pens.

Oh, it was going to be a long, long night.

Twilight insisted that he memorize everything he’d written. Mostly under threat of being place back inside the Flying-Pink-Hamster-Ball-of-Torment. He promptly agreed.

Mainly because he had no intention of doing any such thing, and because he’d scribbled what he thought were important bits on the underside of his arm. Ryan heard a light thumping, almost as if someone were stomping up the stairs. Actually, exactly as if someone were stomping up the stairs.

“Hey. Visitors.” Spike grumbled, crossing his tiny arms and stomping back down. He was probably still angry about being ignored earlier. That brought a small amount of comfort to Ryan, knowing that he wasn’t the only one pissed off at Twilight.

Misery and company, and all that.

Twilight sighed, looking over Ryan’s work one last time. He made sure that his arm was safely turned away from her, and he stood, stretching his back. “Whelp, guess I’m done here –“ he started.

Thankfully, she simply nodded satisfactorily. “It’s nowhere near what I hoped you’d accomplish by this point, but much better than I was afraid you weren’t going to do. I trust you’ve gotten everything down pat-“

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he said quickly, waving her off. The last thing he wanted was for her to start ranting again. Mainly because she had developed a nasty habit of stopping halfway through and asking him questions, forcing him to actually pay attention to bits of the ‘conversation’. “I’ll be a good boy. Sit, stay, roll over.” He gave her his biggest smile and a thumbs up, which on him, didn’t do anything less than make him look akin to a maniacal, two legged and slightly hairy shark. The unusually sharp teeth, unshaven face, slicked back greasy black hair, and bloodshot eyes made him look more like an animal than anything.

Twilight shrugged it off, beginning her descent down the stairs. Ryan followed after, dropping the goofy smile as soon as she looked away, only for it to be replaced by a look of drooping disgust.

“Are you sure?” she asked suddenly, turning.

His face jerked painfully back into the goofy-smile, giving her the thumbs up once again. “Abso-fuckin’-lutely. Uh… ma’am.” He added as an afterthought.

Politeness. He wasn’t positive, but it had to have been some kind of virtue.

Twilight sighed uncertainly, and continued downstairs to greet her visitor. She already knew who it was, of course; she’d specifically asked for Fluttershy’s help with gathering everypony else at the Apple’s farmhouse. Whether or not they wanted to be anywhere near the ‘big dumb gorilla’.

Fluttershy could be quite convincing. This, Twilight knew.

Ryan’s heart sank when he saw her, and he groaned inwardly. Even though she’d already gotten the ticket she wanted, he doubted she’d settle for no revenge. He was on the verge of making up some excuse to avoid Fluttershy’s potential wrath when he had a stroke of brilliance.

Fluttershy definitely had something planned. Probably for whenever she could justify it, like if she felt that one of her friends were endangered. And, after all, Twilight had already proven that she was more than capable of foiling plans by doing the exact same thing that Ryan loved doing the most.

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Oh, I am going to drive her fucking bonkers. He thought gleefully to himself, a dastardly plot already brewing in his mind. He gave her a huge, friendly smile as he came down the stairs, noting happily that she shrank back slightly from his overbearing figure and eerily happy visage.

“Hiya, Yel- uh, Fluttershy!” he exclaimed, waving over energetically as she approached the door.

Twilight, under the impression that he really was doing his best to be a better person, muttered under her breath to him as best she could. “Laying it on a little thick, don’t you think?”

He ignored her, picking up Twilight’s saddlebag for her. “Need this?” he asked, not waiting for an answer as he promptly dropped it back on the floor and strode out the door. She sighed heavily, beginning a steady trot. As she was halfway out the door, she threw her head back over her shoulder.

“… Well?”

“Well, what?” a sullen Spike answered, sitting on the steps.

“Aren’t you coming?”

He blinked at her a couple times, questioningly.

“Well, it wouldn’t be dinner without you, now would it?” Twilight said with a smile, and Spike grinned as he launched himself up in between her shoulder blades, and the pair started out the door. Twilight closed the door behind them with a light snap, and they steadily caught up to Ryan and Fluttershy, who was trotting instead of walking. Both of her wings were clamped tightly to her side, and her eyes were mainly on the road in front of her.

The unnaturally large smile never left Ryan’s face, and he babbled in a cheerful manner to her nearly the entire way to the farm.

Needless to say, talkative people might have annoyed the hell out of him, but that didn’t mean he never picked up a few tricks from them along the way. His cousin Danielle, Pinkie Pie, that girl from the Children’s… huh. What was her name again? Brittany? Heather? Regardless, the real trick was to keep spewing nonsense until either your throat gives out or the other person’s ears explode. He blathered almost nonstop all the way there about whatever came into his head, ranging from pumpernickel to umbrella stands half off on Tuesdays. And he was polite as possible about it the entire time.

Fluttershy was waiting for an opportune moment for when Ryan slipped up.

She’s gonna have a hard time of that. I’ll fuckin’ smother her with niceness.

Oh, it was going to be a long, long night.

“Evenin’, Twi.” Applejack welcomed the pair, opening the front door for Spike and his ride.

By the time they arrived, Twilight and Spike had gained a bit of distance on the second pair, and Applejack had to admit, Fluttershy looked like she was fairly on edge. A nervous twitch occasionally flittered across one of her eyes, although it was fairly well hidden behind her flowing pink mane. More disturbingly, however, was the gargantuan grinning gorilla that lumbered beside her, jabbering nonsensically about the one time he’d caught a mosquito with two fingers while his cousin was ineffectually lecturing him on quantum mechanics.

“Uh…” Applejack started. “… Evenin’, Fluttershy. And you.” she didn’t announce Ryan by name, rather giving him a hard, even look beneath the brim of her hat. She kept it tucked low, and Ryan couldn’t see much of her face. It must have been fairly difficult, Ryan thought to himself, trying to look intimidating when sporting blonde hair and freckles.

Her stare immediately brought back mental images of one of his exes.

The one with the bipolar disorder and the knife collection.

All of a sudden, Applejack looked much more intimidating.

For a moment, she’d have sworn he shivered. Instead, he looked to be peeking under his arm for something, like he’d forgotten it was there. Out of nowhere, he dropped to one knee, took one of her comparatively tiny hooves in his hand, and quietly rumbled in a deep voice, “Madam, your presence graces us. Are my visually appealing companion and I granted entry to your magnificent abode this fair evening?”

His sudden and unexpected grace surprised her, and his gently flowing honeyed words didn’t help to shake her out of her shock in the slightest. As a matter of fact, it was probably the last thing she was expecting aside from Twilight sprouting a pair of wings.

But that would just be ridiculous.

Her mouth opened and closed several times, but the unnaturally large smile on Ryan’s face never wavered. If he didn’t know any better, he’d have sworn a small blush was glowing beneath those freckles. As to how in the hell a pony had freckles befuddled him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could clearly see Fluttershy, wings trembling slightly. Although with nervousness or barely concealed rage, he couldn’t tell.

Hey, look. Fluttershy’s eye twitch is back.

It took all of his strength not to burst out laughing.

“Uh. Er… Why-“ Applejack took a moment to clear her throat, berating herself for being caught off guard. This was precisely the kind of thing Twilight had warned her of earlier, but with as much on her mind right now…

“Er-hem. Why don’t y’all come on in?” she said to the pair, turning on the spot and moving at a brisk pace toward a dining area. Ryan motioned for Fluttershy to take the lead, and he bowed his head lower to make it inside.

As it turns out, there was a lot more dining room than he had seen before. From what he could guess, this place was accustomed to seating more than one family, which could explain why there was plenty of room for the Apple family, plus the unexpected arrival of Whiney Whitey Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and even Pinkie Pie.

Come to think of it, he hadn’t really been introduced to the Rainbow colored one. Since the others had all been given somewhat derogatory nicknames, he promptly settled on Skittles.

After a couple of seconds of silence, he realized that he’d just been standing in the doorway staring at them all. He quickly checked the underside of his arm on a multitude of scribbles, and much to his displeasure, he found that a certain level of sweat had rendered a few of them completely unreadable.

117. Don’t look like a jackass. Be more smiley.

“Uh… hi, everypony!” he said with his best winning smile, taking an empty seat near the middle of the table. Unfortunately, Twilight sat directly next to him, probably to make sure he stayed in line. There were a couple of mutters around the room, but most of the inhabitants took seats as well, with Applejack on one end of the table and Granny Smith on the opposite.

It wasn’t long before food was served around the table, and the pleasantly large variety of apple-related edibles did a great deal toward making up for the lack of meat. There were a huge assortments of apple pies, apple dumplings, apple turnovers, apple frosted cakes, apples in baskets, apples dipped in caramel, apples-

Oh, fuck. It was going to be a long, long night.

“There’s enough apples here to give you diarrhea out the wazoo. No pun intended.” Ryan exclaimed, looking around the table with a groan. Granny Smith eyed him wearily, and a very large, muscular red pony sitting next to her at the corner of the table gave him a level look.

“Wassa wazoo?” the one he remembered as Apple Bloom asked through a mouthful of fritter, sitting directly across from him.

254. Don’t fuckin’ swear so much. Attempt to decrease your level of vulgarity around young ones.

“Oh, it’s, uh…” Ryan said, thinking quickly as he scratched the back of his greasy head. “It’s… a bird.”

Fluttershy cocked an eyebrow at him, trying not to smile. She knew he’d made a slip up. He wasn’t going to let her have an form of victory from it, though.

“Yeah, I’ve seen some ginormous ones. Right, Spike?” he said suddenly, peering around Twilight at the small purple dragon.

“Huh?” Spike said, startled at the prospect of someone actually paying attention to him. “Oh, he’s lying. He means butt. Wazoo means bu- oof!” Twilight nudged him, but it was already too late. Granny Smith looked slightly frustrated, and Apple Bloom snorted so hard that fritter flew out and hit Ryan in the face.

Leaving Pinkie snickering wildly and Fluttershy with an infuriatingly satisfied look on her face.

Rarity’s horn glowed briefly, and an apple-embroidered green cloth napkin wafted over to him. He snatched it rudely out of the air, wiping his face as he glared daggers at Spike. “Naked little prick.” He said angrily.

In hindsight, Rarity had probably pulled his bacon out of the fire with her comment. Although he really wished she hadn’t.

“Well, dear, you’re hardly one to talk. You were without clothes for a short while too, hmm?”

It took him a nearly full moment to comprehend how very badly he’d just been burned. He felt his face flush, and Pinkie was stuffing both of her hooves into her mouth in a mad attempt to prevent herself from giggling.

She was failing horribly.

582. Try not to say something you’ll regret.

For a split second, he could have sworn he saw even the frumpy-faced Granny Smith with a small smile tugging at her lips, but he bowed his head and started on his overly apple-related meal.

He sighed with discontent, picked up a small fork, and began cutting slowly at the dumplings in front of him. “So… who made this…?” he had to stop himself from calling it crap, and he looked to Twilight for help. Instead, Granny Smith spoke up.

“That’d be me, darlin’. Now, I hear you ain’t been used to home cooked meals since y’all been here, so good food that’s good for ya’ might come as a bit of a cul-ture shock.”

“What about waffles? I thought those were some a’ my best.” The large red pony next to Granny Smith said, a little hurt.

“Aw, come on, Big Mac,” and Ryan struggled not to snicker at the name. “We both know I been makin’ waffles since before you were born, and I still don’t burn ‘em as bad as you do.”

“Yeah, they were kinda burned.” Spike injected, taking a hefty bite out of the apple pie in front of him. Big Mac simply gave him a nearly sideways frowning ‘harumph’, which must have been difficult to pull off. It was then that Ryan realized that Big Mac was staring right at him, and the two made eye contact. Immediately breaking it, Ryan looked around the room and realized that it wasn’t just the one called Big Mac; it was every single one of the, watching him holding the slice of apple dumpling mid-air.

639. Pants aren’t for burning. Compliment the food. Don’t forget to compliment the food!

Ryan gave a resigned sigh, looking at the apple dumpling. It was probably made with hay or some crap, too. With a deep breath, he deftly flicked the dumpling slice through the air, and caught it in his mouth. For a few seconds, a blank look stayed on his face. After a few more moments of silence, he chewed thoughtfully and swallowed loudly. With a large grin, he turned to Granny Smith and gave her the ‘thumbs up’ once again.

It wasn’t helping his image.

“That tasted amazing!" Ryan lied with his mouth full. "It's like I orgasmed, but inside my mouth!”

Pinkie Pie promptly hit the ground, roaring with laughter. Twilight’s hoof hit her face, and she groaned at her failure. “I know. I know,” Ryan said, mimicking her miserably. “Caught it as soon as I said it.”

Fluttershy was, by this point, turning the same color in the face as Big Mac was in the flank. Rarity was left flabbergasted, trying her best to ignore the insane laughter coming from the pink pony on the floor beside her, but it wasn’t long before she, too, collapsed into a fit of giggles.

Even Granny Smith was laughing at his expense, so much so that her dentures had fallen out onto her plate.

“Oh-hoo-hoo! Ah changed my mind, young ‘un! You should keep him!” Granny Smith wheezed to Twilight, struggling in vain to place her dentures back in her mouth without chuckling them out again. Ryan would have thought Applejack would be one of the first to laugh at him as well, but upon closer inspection, he could clearly see that she had deep bags under her eyes, though she did manage a weak smile. She didn’t look all that enthusiastic about it, however.

Applejack just looked… exhausted.

Ryan wasn’t sure what bothered him more. That she looked so beaten down, or the fact that he was the only one that noticed.

Or that he even noticed at all.

“Eeyup. Y’all come back now, ya’ hear?” Applejack called after them as the group walked away.

Ryan had really done his best to avoid doing dishes. As a matter of fact, he’d been halfway out the door after finishing his meal when he discovered he’d been wrangled into helping.

Quite literally; Applejack was very handy with that rope.

Behind them, Ryan could see Twilight saying something lowly to Applejack before she trotted back to him and Fluttershy with a determined expression. Spike, sitting happily atop Ryan’s left shoulder, was chatting animatedly with him about the dinner.

“And she says, ‘What’s a wazoo?’ and I’m all-“

“I know, I know,” Ryan laughed good-naturedly. “I was there, remember?”

“Oh, yeah.” Spike said thoughtfully, scratching his chin. “So, anyway-“

Ryan chortled, letting his mind wander as they walked. Spike clung to his shoulder, and occasionally tried to use his greasy hair as reins, which didn’t work too well for Spike. He vaguely wondered if every day were going to be like this. If that were the case… well, maybe this place wasn’t all that bad.

A twinge of guilt surged through him as he remembered his promises of protecting his cousins from harm, and how in the hell he was going to get home. He forced himself to think of something else, instead – no use going on a guilt trip over things he didn’t have the power to change.

“-fter that. Right, Ryan?”

“Huh. Oh, yeah. Sounds great.”

Yet. He’d get to them. He swore that much to himself.

Instead, he contented himself with blotting out Spike’s ramblings with thoughts of his evident victory of Fluttershy. Granted, his plan of victory through total inaction hadn’t necessarily panned out, but it was close enough. His grin grew wider at that, and his shoulders shook slightly from the laugh. Spike wobbled precariously, and Ryan’s hand flew up to snag his ankles before he could slip. Spike kept right on talking without even slowing his pace.

As a matter of fact… Fluttershy didn’t look very peeved about being thwarted. He really would have expected her to be more furious about her lack of revenge, or at the very least, a bit eye-twitchy.

Turns out, Ryan’s hindsight was twenty-twenty.

“-fore you return in the morning. Right, Ryan?”

“Wazzat? Huh?” he said, yanking himself out of thought.

“Have you even been listening to me?” Twilight sighed yet again, head drooping as she received the anticipated answer.

“Oh. Uh… yeah. Totally.” Ryan lied.

“Ah, good. Then I’ll see you at the expected time in the morning.” She said, and began to trot off toward the library. Spike clambered off his back and ran parallel to Twilight. Ryan hadn’t even noticed when he’d stopped rambling.

“Hey! Where are you going?” he quipped in surprise.

“I see you were paying such close attention,” she said smarmily over her shoulder. “You’ll be spending the night with Fluttershy until we can provide you with reasonable sleeping space! Good night!” and with that, she left him with the small yellow Pegasus.

He simply stood there, staring at the space she had been moments ago in shock.

Ryan looked down at the Pegasus, and from the small, satisfied smile she was giving him, he hadn’t felt such a surge of pants-filling fear in years.

Oh, fuck.

Kill Da Wabbit, Kill Da Wabbit!

Fluttershy lived in a quaint little cottage, just on the outskirts of Ponyville over an old stone bridge. Frankly, he really would have preferred to stay back at the Apple family’s farm, even if he were roped into doing some kind of manual labor. From looking around at the full fields, that would probably be the case. Ryan really wasn’t too surprised that, similar to Purple’s library, Fluttershy’s home was also part tree. He didn’t feel particularly comfortable about sleeping in the same building as Fluttershy, but if it got him a bed, then things couldn’t be too awful.

The poor, poor bastard.

For a moment, Ryan wondered how in the hell said tree-houses were made. The ridiculous notion struck him that there were possibly trees running about, humping buildings.

And that’s how baby tree houses are made.

He stifled a snicker, though it did very little to distract him from the sheer terror he felt. As they neared the cottage, he could swear he felt the eyes of the Yellow Menace boring into the back of his skull. Outside, there was an elderly tan pony in a straw hat, tending to a small garden in the front.

“Huh. Nice place.” Ryan said conversationally, stopping to get a decent look at the place.

“Why, thank you very much, Mister Gorilla,” Fluttershy said without stopping. She opened the front door and trotted inside, not stopping for Ryan to catch up. He started after her, but as soon as the gardener saw Fluttershy leave his sight, he crept over to Ryan.

“Oy! Laddie!”

“… ‘The fuck do you want.” He responded, crossing his arms. Quite frankly, he was tired enough to stop caring about whatever trap Fluttershy potentially had planned.

“I’ve got a name, lad.” The Scottish sounding pony said to him, and beckoned him closer so he could whisper. Ryan leaned down, listening closely. The pony drew himself up, and spoke dramatically.

“There are some who call me…” he paused for effect. “… Tim.”

Ryan shoved the pony out of his face, flipping him off as he did so. Besides, his breath smelled like onions. “That’s all you had to fuckin’ say? Seriously?” However, it was nice to find somepony who actually had a normal sounding name.

The tan earth pony facehoofed, drawing Ryan closer to the window, where he pointed. He briefly wondered if perhaps Fluttershy were some kind of psychopathic serial killer, and the gardener was trying to give him some kind of cryptic message. Heart racing, Ryan peered into the dark room, but he couldn’t see much aside from some furniture and a small white sleeping rabbit.

“… What?”

“There he is!” Tim the gardener whispered in fear.

“Where?” Ryan asked, cupping his hands around his eyes and staring into the room.

“There!” and he jabbed a quivering hoof at the sleeping rabbit.

Confused, Ryan asked “What? Behind the rabbit?”

Tim facehoofed again, groaning. “It is the rabbit!”

Ryan slapped him in the back of the head immediately. “Frickin’ retard!”

“What?” Tim asked, rubbing the back of his head. He sounded hurt.

“You got me all worked up!” he whispered furiously, clenching his fists.

“That is no ordinary rabbit!” Tim said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Then again, considering his current predicament, something new and strange really wouldn’t be all too new and strange. He was talking to a Scottish pony, after all.

“Oh,” Ryan replied, gazing over at the sleeping rabbit again. It took nearly a full moment of the enormous level of stupidity of the entire situation to settle on him. He’d just agreed with a talking Scottish pony about dangerous rabbits. He was beginning to get angry at himself for rolling with it in the first place.

“That’s the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!”

“Bullshit!” Ryan muttered angrily. “I almost crapped myself; you had me so freaked out!”

“Look that rabbit’s got a vicious streak a mile wide!” Tim insisted, stomping the soft ground. “It’s a killer!”

“… Get bent.” Ryan said, rolling his shoulders and standing up to go inside after Fluttershy.

“He’ll do you up a treat, mate!” Tim the gardener quietly called after him, trying to keep his voice down.

“Oh, yeah?” Ryan responded, waving flippantly over his shoulder as he opened the door.

“I’m warning you!”

“What’s he gonna do?” Ryan chuckled. “Nibbwe at my widdwe bottom?”

“He’s got huge, sharp…” Tim tried to warn him, waving his two front hooves about. “… er… He can leap about, and… haven’t you seen the bones?” he sounded quite desperate.

Which, of course, only made it funnier to Ryan.

“Pfft.” He sniggered, marching inside the dimly lit cottage. “I’ll make fuckin’ rabbit stew out of him.” He wasn’t the least bit worried about some cartoon rabbit going on a killing spree. Especially not when he had a potentially dangerous Fluttershy to deal with. Speaking of which…

“Hey, Yellow! You in here?” he asked, peeking his head around a corner. Seeing no one, he continued into the same room he’d seen the rabbit sleeping in. As a matter of fact, the last time he’d seen the rabbit, it was sleeping like a baby on a comfortable looking sofa. It wasn’t there anymore, however. His hands fumbled over the wall for a light switch, before he remembered that ponies probably didn’t even have electricity. Frustrated, he reached into his pocket for his handy Zippo lighter, which he kept right next to his phone-

“Fuck, don’t have those.” He grumbled. The inside pockets of the new pants Rarity made for him felt oddly silky – he was starting to miss his jeans, filthy, ripped and grimy though they may have been. Instead, he felt about in the dark for some kind of match. Ponies had matches, right?

After a couple of minutes of finding nothing, and since the moonlight streaming in through the window wasn’t enough to really see by, he gave up and started toward the doorway when an oil light flickered into life.

“Oh, good. Thanks, Flutter – bunny?”

Fluttershy was nowhere to be seen. Instead, the small white rabbit from earlier was standing atop a desk, next to the oil light. How the hell he got it lit was beyond Ryan.

“Oh, it’s you. Uh… hi.” Ryan said lamely, lifting a hand.

The rabbit simply glared at him, crossing his arms temperamentally and tapping one of its feet. From the looks of it, Ryan had just ruined its sleep, and it wasn’t too happy about it.

Kneeling down in front of the desk, Ryan looked right into the tiny black eyes of the rabbit. What followed was, quite possibly, one of the stupidest things Ryan had ever done.

And that’s a pretty big list to top.

“Aw, hewwo dew, wittle fewwo!”

The rabbit’s foot stopped, mid-tap. For a second, it just stared at him, as if it couldn’t believe the events transpiring nearly a foot in front of it.

“Awen’t yew a cuddwy widdew fart? Aw, is yew angwy? Yew is angwy, awen’t yew!” the baby babble continued from Ryan, and he could clearly see that the rabbit spent a lot of time around Fluttershy from the familiar dangerous eye-twitch. The rabbit made no other moves aside from that. It simply stood stock still.

Ryan, the genius that he is, took this as a sign of inhibition.

The poor, poor bastard.

“See, yew isn’t gonna hewt anybody, no yew isn’t! ‘Cause yew is just a widdwe bitty wetawd, yes you is!”

“… widdwe bitty wetawd, yes you is!” and that was the last thing that Tim the gardener heard as he was trotting away, before the sounds of shattering glass and splintered wood reached his ears. Shortly following the two was the sound of a squishy human body making heavy and painful impact at high speed with the ground, which, in turn, was followed by a rather large study desk and more broken glass.

“I warned you,” Tim the Scottish gardener muttered darkly to himself as he trotted away beneath the dim moonlight. “but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew, didn’t you? Oh, it’s just a harmless little bunny, isn’t it?”

The sounds of more heavy objects came out the window behind him, landing with heavy thuds atop a rather squishy human body.

The poor, poor bastard.

Chaos. Why is it always chaos?

Ryan found himself drifting in a half-sleep, whorls of color spinning about him. He couldn’t tell if he were inside Da Vinci’s drug fueled nightmares or a massive pile of vomit created by a child that had eaten too many different types of Play-dough.

“Ah, there you are. You certainly have a nasty habit of-“

“Nope,” Ryan answered immediately, and although he couldn’t seem to feel his body, his voice drifted ephemerally out from the direction he was looking in.

“… Excuse me?” the voice answered back, and for a split second, the whirling twirling whirlwind of chaos slowed, and through the gap Ryan could have sworn he saw a garden full of statues. A split second later, however, it was gone.

“Just point me toward the exit, buddy. I don’t have time for bullshit.” Ryan said to the voice. “I’ve had my fill of weird shit for one day, thank you. Unless this is hell, I mean. Because if it is, tell Satan he has got a lot of work to do. I mean, just look at this dump.”

The colors danced back and forth, and Ryan suddenly got the impression that he was the only one that could see them. Not only that, but they were obstructing his view. Of something… larger. The echoing voice laughed again, but not a cruel laugh. It sounded mildly amused, really. Whimsical, and yet…

There was something sinister about it.

It seemed like the laughter echoed on forever.

Laughter was the last thing Ryan heard as he was violently shoved back into consciousness. And, judging from the massive headache, he’d have preferred being sent to hell.

He tried prying open his eyes, only to find that an oil lamp had been placed near his head. He quickly closed them again, as the light was bright enough to blind him. He could still hear laughter; it sounded like someone far away, but it was quickly fading from his ears. From what he could tell from his single glimpse, it was still nighttime, although quite a bit of time had passed.

He found himself lying on his back on a rather comfortable sofa, and feeling his head with his fingertips revealed that there was a bit of blood on his hands. It felt like he’d gotten some nasty cuts on his chest and the back of his legs, too.

And after all the trouble he’d gone through getting the damned bandages off, he was going to need more.

He started to sit up without opening his eyes, only to find a hoof pushing him back down. “Now, now, Mister Gorilla. We wouldn’t want you hurting yourself anymore, now would we, Angel?”

At the sound of Fluttershy’s voice, he nearly emptied his bowels.

His eyes jerked back open, despite the pain. “Shit!” he exclaimed, struggling to get up, but the small rabbit launched itself onto his chest, knocking him back down. It stood on top of him like a conquered hill, pointing a half-eaten carrot in his face like a sword. It glared venomously at him, before Fluttershy shooed him away with a smile.

“Oh, now now, Angel,” she said softly. “I think it knows better than to go getting up again after I did my best trying to help it.”

Sweet Jesus, she named that demon?

“After all,” she continued, looking directly into Ryan’s eyes. And, needless to say, he suddenly felt more than a little vulnerable with her hoof still planted on his chest. “If it were to try to run away, Mister Gorilla might mysteriously find it’s legs broken, hmm? Then we’d have no choice but to take care of the poor thing, now isn’t that right?”

“… Hey, Flutter-bitch.” Ryan strained to say much more bravely than he felt. It was a little pony, for fuck’s sake. Then again, he was wrong about the rabbit… “You wouldn’t happen to be friends with a guy named Steven King, would you?”

He felt a sudden pressure on his chest, and they screamed out in pain. From the force with which he’d been chucked out the window, he guessed that the vorpal bunny might have fractured one of his ribs.

He slowly blacked out, the edges of his vision blurring, despite his best efforts to remain conscious. After as much damage as he’d just taken, though, it simply wasn’t possible. Darkness filled his vision, and he soon knew no more.

Ryan groaned, refusing to open his eyes.

What greeted him was the most wonderful, amazing smell in the world.

Freshly brewed coffee.

He felt the mattress underneath him shift as he moved. So nice of Clara to be making coffee, this early in the morning… after the little spat they had last night, he figured he wasn’t even going to see the morning. Arguing with a previous mental patient is never a good idea, really.

How did he end up in bed, anyway? After she tried to poison him, he could have sworn he remembered police and nurses involved…

No, it was just a bad dream. That call to Carlos had never happened. Victor still needed him today, he had so much to do… if only he could remember what it was. Tim would probably remind him…

Tiny Tim, in Children’s, or Tim the Gardener?

He didn’t know any gardeners, that was just a bad dream. Clara was making coffee, she wasn’t trying to kill him, everything was going to be fine. Just as soon as he could get to his cousins, maybe after that-

“Sleep well?” Fluttershy’s voice drifted to him. His eyes jerked open, and everything came flooding back to him in a – JESUS CHRIST SHE WAS STARING RIGHT AT HIM.

“FUCK KNUCKLES!” Ryan screamed, jerking away from Fluttershy, who had been mere inches from his face. And who knew for just how long she’d been watching him…? He soon discovered that leaping away was a bad idea, as he was still on the sofa, his legs dropping over the edge. His ribs burned in pain, and he grabbed them and tried to slow his breathing to ease the pain.

Much to his surprise and general discomfort, underneath his shirt, he felt fresh bandages. Not only that, but his head had been wrapped in clean bandages, much more neatly and carefully tied than the ones he had before. But that wasn’t what made him uncomfortable.

No, he was uncomfortable because he simultaneously discovered that he had bandages on his legs, beneath his makeshift pants.

He felt his face flush, and he glared at her. He wasn’t giving her the satisfaction of seeing him in pain. “Just fuckin’ dandy, thanks.” He said, peering around for the rabbit. As soon as he found that little bastard, he was going to mangle him. All the bunny had was the element of surprise, that’s the reason the little bunny kicked his ass. And nothing else.

It creeped him out, how she just continued about like nothing had even happened. A sweet, serene little smile on her face, and she occasionally whistled a happy tune. It took Ryan a while to figure out that he didn’t have to worry about Fluttershy springing any kind of trap.

He was pretty sure he’d already walked right into it.

When I get my hands on that guard-bunny… he thought vehemently. After a few minutes, he struggled to get to his feet and dragged himself into the dining area of the cottage. It was neatly lined with pots and pans, all sorts of vegetables and spices. Seeing a couple of metal pans of coffee simmering and steaming on the stove, Ryan grumbled and grabbed a tiny china cup. Fluttershy watched him from another room, but said nothing.

So, Fluttershy was going to play the nothing out of the ordinary, here card, then. Fine. Let her pretend things were normal. He was getting the fuck out of here, before he got killed. He dropped into one of the small wooden chairs, chugging back hot coffee as he did so.

Ryan almost immediately choked, spitting it out with a sputter.

He gagged at the taste, shaking his head violently to get it off of his tongue.

“Oh, my. Is something the matter, Mister Gorilla?” Fluttershy asked innocently as she trotted into the kitchen, wings tight at her side. Angel was still nowhere to be seen, which didn’t help matters.

“Hack! Blech! Christ, ‘the fuck do you think?” he spat, dropping the cup with a tink! “What kind of coffee is-“ he stopped short, looking into the bottom of the cup and finding a clump of tan fur. On further analysis, however, he discovered that it might have been originally white.

“Oh, now I see,” Fluttershy said quietly with a little grin. “you probably tried drinking Angel’s bath water. He likes hot baths in the mornings.”

It took all of Ryan’s strength not to vomit on the spot.

“Oh, ew.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

“Why the fuck didn’t you warn me?” he demanded, towering over her.

“Well, Mister Gorilla,” she said defensively, “maybe I might be more inclined to give warnings to those who aren’t such jerks to my close friends!”

He felt a rush of anger, and he clenched his fists before it hit him like a ton of bricks.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

So that’s what all this is about.

Ryan sighed, unclenching his fists and drooping a bit. He gingerly lowered himself onto one knee, stooping down enough to bring himself to eye level with the Yellow Menace. He looked her dead in the eye, and he insisted to himself that he’d never seen a stare so fierce as the one she was giving him. It took all his effort not to flinch from it.

“Look.” He said, staring right back. “No, I mean look at me.” and he placed his hands on her shoulders, trying to think of the best way to express himself.

“I know you don’t like me,” he started uncomfortably. “and as a matter of fact, from what your friends have probably told you, they don’t really like me much, either.”

Fluttershy was starting to look a little uncomfortable as well, and her wings pulled in tighter as she nervously stepped back and forth lightly.

“But I’m going to ask you to do one – one – thing for me. I will promise; you have my word, that I will never – never – hurt one of your friends. So long as you quit trying to make my life miserable. Okay?” he said, continuing the small staring contest the two were having. By this point, it wasn’t so much a staring contest as it was an awkward truce.

“How… how do I know you can keep your word?” she asked mistrustfully, standing her ground.

At any other time, Ryan would have laughed. She had a damned good point; his word wasn’t worth anything at all. However, Ryan meant what he said. He had absolutely no intention whatsoever of hurting any of these little ponies. He vowed that, the moment he knelt down in front of her.

Rabbits, on the other hand…

“… Okay. Here. Take this,” Ryan said, gently pulling out the small faded photograph as he dropped to the ground. The pain was making it unbearable to stay upright anymore, so he just sat and leaned against the kitchen wall, his legs sticking out oddly.

She held it in her hoof, as if it were a butterfly she were scared of frightening away. It puzzled Ryan to no end how she managed to open it with her hooves, but she did it with apparent ease.

“… Oh, my.” She said softly, and her eyes slightly less hard for a moment.

“… I want you to keep that.”

She gave him a confused look, gazing back at the photograph, then back at him.

“That’s… all I have left of them. Those two kids, in that picture? That’s my family, man. They’re all that’s left. And I gotta protect them,” Ryan said slowly, and the words felt alien passing his lips. Old memories resurfaced painfully, and he forgot the cuts and lacerations. Old wounds hurt the most.

“… I promised her I’d take care of her kids. And I did a damned poor job of doin’ it, too. And they’re a really, really long ways away from here. And right now, they need me to help them. That promise that I made you?” he said, taking her empty hoof in his hand and giving her a serious look.

“That promise means just as much to me as the other. And I promise, that I will do whatever it takes to protect those kids. Not just my family, but the ones here, too.”

Ohana means ‘family’, and all that jazz.

And family means nobody gets left behind, Twilight had finished for him.

For a while, the strange pair simply stared at each other before Fluttershy dropped her head. At first, Ryan thought that Yellow had some other snide comment, but when she brought her head back up, he saw that her eyes were glistening with tears.

Aw, crap.

Yes, it might be some stupid macho thing. But Ryan had never been able to tolerate seeing people cry, and especially not a girl. Pony or not. Hell, real or not. And he’d never forgive himself if he were the one that caused it.

She quickly rubbed them away with her free hoof, and folded the picture back up. After a couple of seconds, she unfolded it again and tacked it to the wall. She cleared her throat, saying, “This… this is really all you have left?”

“Aside from the clothes on my back, but really, I’d kind of like to keep those.”

Fluttershy let out a rare giggle, the wings on her side shivering a bit. He couldn’t figure out why her Cutie Mark was butterflies, and it hadn’t occurred to him before now.

“Well, you see…” she began slowly as she opened up one of the kitchen drawers. “Angel found this lying around not too long ago, and brought it back to me. I’ve never seen anything like it, so, maybe…” she left the end off, pulling out the last thing Ryan expected to see.

It certainly wasn’t cigarettes, but it was one step closer.

“My Zippo!” he cried happily, reaching out for it. “Aw, sweet!” he gave it a couple of flicks, and after a few tries, the familiar flame sprang up. Fluttershy jumped at the sight, surprised, but seemed to get over her initial shock after he closed the lid and stuck it in his pocket.

Fluttershy cleared her throat again, prancing back and forth a little uncomfortably, although she had a small smile on her face. And this time, Ryan wasn’t terrified of having his legs broken. He started to get to his feet, though he dropped back down again, letting out a grunt of pain as his hand shot to his ribs.

“Oh, careful!” she said, helping him to his feet. He placed his hand on her back for support, and gently lifted himself up.

“Nah, I’m good.” He said forcefully, clenching his teeth. “I’ll be fine. ‘Sides, I’ll bet Ora- uh, Applejack could use some help with that orchard of hers.”

Fluttershy quickly shook her head, her eyes hardening again. “Oh, no you don’t. You’re in no condition to-“

“Yeah, and whose fault is that?” Ryan said automatically, and seeing her drop her head in shame gave him a flare of guilt.

“… The fuckin’ rabbit, that’s whose.” Ryan chuckled, cracking his knuckles. “Just wait till I find that little bastard; I’ll give him a run for his money!” he said overoptimistically, punching the air like a boxer. Of course, that had to be the precise moment that a familiar little white rabbit stalked coolly into the kitchen, a tiny wet brown towel thrown over one shoulder.

Of all the stupid things Ryan had ever done...

“Uh… Hi, Angel.” Ryan said weakly.

The poor, poor bastard.

Author's Notes:

Another special thanks to all the likes, comments, favorites, and recommendations. You guys are awesome.

8-Bits By Bits

Fluttershy really wasn’t all that bad, Ryan thought vaguely, once you got to know her.

Well, and once you got past the crippling evident psychosis. In hindsight, perhaps dropkicking the rabbit wasn’t the best idea Ryan ever had. Although, the fact that Angel immediately opened up a can of whoop-ass afterwards prevented Fluttershy from taking any further action aside from insisting bed rest.

Ryan spent most of the day bored out of his skull.

“Now, you stay right there, and I mean it!”

Ryan glared at her coldly, hands folded neatly across his lap.

“Er, um… if… if that’s… okay with you, I mean…”

He silently waved Fluttershy off, closing his eyes to take a nap. Or, at least, that’s the impression he was giving. As soon as she was gone, however, Ryan slipped back up. Tightening his bandages, he took a few cautionary steps. He winced at his ribs, but decided it’d be fine if he didn’t stretch too far on the right side. He quickly scanned the area, making sure than Fluttershy hadn’t come back for anything she’d forgotten. Like the demon bunny. Seeing neither of them, he relaxed a little.

Close enough.

And with that, Ryan Miller slipped silently away.

“Wassup, Orange?”

Applejack jerked awake, falling to the ground with an Oomph! as she did so. She hadn’t even noticed she’d fallen asleep; the last thing she remembered was…

Desperately trying to finish with this bucking orchard. She groaned, rubbing her eyes. “Howdy, partner,” she said, stifling a yawn.

“Christ, you look like shit.”

Always the subtle gentleman, Ryan.

Applejack stopped halfway through her yawn, hoof half covering her mouth. Her hat was cocked at an odd angle, and she had deep bags beneath her eyes. Most of her hair was matted where she’d fallen asleep, and she looked as if she were ready to collapse at any given moment.

Ryan may have been many different things, but occasionally, accurate was one of them.

“W-whadd’re y’all doin’ here?” Applejack asked, looking around. Much to her surprise, Ryan wasn’t the only one with her in the orchard.

Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and even Rarity had come out to help, each of them carrying empty woven baskets. Twilight gave Ryan a knowing wink, and said “Oh, you know. A little bird told us you could use some help.”

“Yuppie duppie guppie! ‘Cause he’s a bird now, I guess!” Pinkie exclaimed excitedly, prancing about while balancing three baskets on her head. “But I haven’t seen him fly yet, so he’s probably just a really ugly ostrich! Ooh, or a dodo! He’s got legs like a dodo, but he flies like a penguin!”

“… That means, not at all,” Pinkie stage-whispered to him conspiratorially.

Ryan shoved her off with a grin, lifting up a basket beneath his left arm. “Yeah, yeah. Sweet. We gonna get this over with?”

“Now, hold up!” Applejack demanded, stomping her hoof. “Ah ain’t needin’ nopony’s help, an-“

“AJ, look at yourself,” Twilight interrupted. “You’ve been running yourself ragged, and the only pony not getting help is you.”

“Yeah,” Ryan interjected. “what kind of shitty friends would you have, if they just let you do all the work yourself? Then again,” he said slowly, scratching his chin. “I wouldn’t mind not doing anything. Hell, that’s one of my favorite things to do.”

Applejack stared at them all for a moment, before dipping her head with a grin. “… All right, all right. Y’all are slipperier than a greased pig in a mud pit.”

“Hah! We’re gonna be done in ten seconds, flat!” Skittles burst out, hefting up two empty baskets and zipping through the air toward the far end of the orchard. Rarity deftly lifted a single basket telekinetically, looking with disdain toward the field of apple trees. “… Oh, very well. But if I see so much as a single speck of dirt on my coat…!”

Ryan watched as Twilight’s horn glowed brightly for a moment, and a large number of the apples reflected with the violet light. A huge mass of them slowly lifted into the air, dropping one by one into the baskets. She looked fairly pleased with her little trick. He grinned, plucking a few apples from the trees with his hands.

It sure as hell was faster than kicking them down, like Applejack was trying to do.

Speaking of the Apple family…

“Hey, Orange.” Ryan said conversationally, trying not to stretch too much and pull his bandages into any more uncomfortable positions. “Isn’t that big red one, uh…”

“Big Mac.” Applejack finished for him.

Ryan withheld a snicker. It was just very funny to him hearing a pony say that. “Yeah, Big Mac. How come he’s not out here kickin’ this shit down? Hell, with the muscles on that dude, he could probably do all the work by himself.” He was hopeful for a moment; the more apples he picked, the more he was reminded of just how much he loathed working for anything, and the thought of getting someone else to do it for him was a pleasing prospect. In the distance, he heard Skittles rambling on about some kind of griffin to Pinkie, but he ignored her.

“He usually does,” Applejack admitted as she shifted another basket away, and brought an empty one over to the tree she was working on. “but he hurt himself last time, so ah’m pickin’ up the slack. Hey, speakin’ a’ hurtin’, how come yer all bandaged up again?”

He paused, unwilling to tell her the truth. After a couple moments of hesitation, he continued picking apples without looking her in the eye, and said “I, uh… had an accident.”

Applejack snorted knowingly, giving him a sly grin as she weakly bucked another tree. “Oh, an accident, huh? It wouldn’t happen to be a bunny shaped accident, now would it?”

Ryan froze, and his heart jumped into his throat in fear. He’d seen Fluttershy leave that morning; the only possible way Orange could have possibly known that was…

“Eeyup. She figured you’d try an’ run off. Ain’t seen Spike runnin’ around these parts much today, have ya’?”

It took Ryan all of a split second to put it together. He hadn’t seen Spike helping because Spike wasn’t there.

“Aw, fuck!”

“I couldn’t have said it better myself,” Fluttershy said quietly as she stood behind him.

It was a good thing Ryan was wearing brown pants.

“Hey, watch it, ya’ dumb broad!”

“Same to ya’, buttface!” the Griffin spat angrily as she shoved her way past Ryan, stomping angrily down the sidewalk of Ponyville. Twilight seemed mortified.

“… Nice girl.” Ryan said offhandedly, not even breaking stride next to Twilight. She shot him a tilted look of confusion, which he mirrored.

“… What?”

She shook her head, her mane flopping forward and back as she did so. Spike sat with a rather pleased look on his face atop her back, fist-deep in a small tub of ice cream. Ryan stared at him for a moment, wondering if he could punt the little snitch then and there and still get away with it.

So far, he hadn’t been presented with any opportunity to do so.

But my time will come, you little shit. Just you wait…

Spike, oblivious to the daggers Ryan was glaring at him, shoved more minty ice cream in his face, slurping at it loudly. A rather long, serpentine tongue occasionally flickered out of his mouth, wrapping its way around the inside of the tub. Disgusted, Ryan looked away as they continued down the street toward the library. Today had been a hell of a day.

He was a little shocked he’d even escaped the wrath of Fluttershy’s attack rabbit.

According to Twilight, he’d always have a place to stay at her home/library, and they’d even accommodated the bed for his… gratuitous size. Something caught his eye as they walked in relative silence, however. A glint on the edge of a small, free-swinging sign outside a dirty, worn down building with a single picture of a multi-colored mug. Below it, in ye olde English style (pony style?) were the ancient etchings of what looked to be…

“The Eight Bits?” Ryan muttered quizzically, and Twilight followed his line of sight.

“Oh, that old place,” she said conversationally. “Never been in there, myself. From what little I’ve heard, it’s pretty ancient. And I haven’t heard many good things about it.”

“Yeah, no shit.” Ryan agreed, jabbing a thumb at one of the boarded up windows. He could see a dim light through the cracks, however, and the low rumble of voices inside.

After a couple moments of contemplation, Twilight said “Spike and I are going ahead to the library. You could check the place out before you catch up, you know…” she finished suggestively.

Ryan scratched the back of his head, letting his hand run through his greasy black hair. He thought for a couple moments, and grinned.

“… Yeah. You go on ahead,” he said, shooing the pair off. “I’ll catch up in a few. Lemme just check this dump out first.”

“… Okay, then,” Twilight said uncertainly. “Just make sure you’re not late to that party Pinkie was talking about.”

“Wha-?” Ryan asked. To be honest, he’d completely forgotten about anything Pinkie had said about parties. Then again, he was probably ignoring her when she was talking. In his defense, that was really the only way to spend longer than a few minutes around Pinkie without going insane.

“The party,” she reiterated slowly, as if he were being stupid on purpose. “Sugarcube Corner. Remember? Rainbow’s friend?”

When none of this seemed to be ringing any bells, Twilight said “Gilda?”

“…”

“… The griffin?”

“… Uh…”

“Oh, for Celestia’s sake!” Twilight groaned. “Just make sure-“ she dropped off, letting out a loud shriek. Spike slipped off her back, grasping at his nearly empty tub of ice cream.

“Spike, you got it in my mane!”

Whelp, not getting in the middle of this one.

Although it brought him a great level of satisfaction seeing Spike in trouble, he budged the door open to the 8-Bits, and stomped inside.

Had he any idea of the events that would transpire, he’d have likely turned tail and fled into that ‘Everfree Forest’ he’d heard about, and never turn back.

“Yeah, she’s just a big meanie!” Pinkie said, blowing a raspberry as she filled yet another cup with punch.

Rainbow Dash chuckled, sidling up next to her and getting a cup for herself. “Ah, she’ll come around eventually… I hope.” She seemed a little disappointed at her expectations of her old friend.

“Come on, Dashie!” Pinkie said cheerfully, playfully tipping her with one hoof and taking a huge swig of her punch. “You can’t let Gilda get you down; besides, look at all these ponies here!” she waved her hoof around at the crowd, and, indeed, there were an awful lot of ponies. Pinkie had been eyeing the crowd continuously, but a six foot tall hairless ape would be pretty easy to spot…

“Are you sure-“ Pinkie started again.

“Yes, Pinkie.” Twilight said firmly. “For the last time, I’m positive he’ll be here.”

“Oh, good!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Because nopony breaks a Pinkie Promise!”

“YES, Pinkie.” She hoped he’d be here soon… she was starting to get a little worried, though she was loathe admitting it. She could have sworn…

No. It must just be her imagination.

She hoped.

Ryan took a deep breath as he stepped out of the sunlight, letting his eyes adjust to the dim lighting.

It wasn’t nearly as dusty in the 8-Bits as he had expected it to be. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t nearly as empty as he had expected, either.

The place was practically bursting with life, noise clamoring from all over the place. It actually took him several moments longer to let the surroundings settle in than he anticipated.

From what he could see, the 8-Bits looked like a strange cross between an old style Western bar and a well-kept modern bar, with glass and wood intermingling at odd places. The entire pub was filled with ponies of all sorts of different colors and sizes. He could even swear he saw a few younger ones sitting together at a table. What were they called again? Foals? Fillies?

Whatever. Kids were kids. And judging from the bars Ryan had been in, bars were no place for kids.

There were Pegasi and unicorns all over the place, but not nearly so many as there were the earth ponies. One bright red Pegasus sat over in a corner, struggling with what looked almost like an imitation arcade machine. A couple of coins adorned his flank, and he strained against a small screwdriver before something in the machine broke off with a snap! The Pegasus swore quietly, pulling another screwdriver out and fiddling with it some more.

Looking around, Ryan could see that there were only a couple of empty seats, one of which being the stools at the bar. Since it was the closest one to him, he shrugged and clambered atop it. It was surprisingly comfortable, as far as bar stools go, and he found that he could easily adjust the height with a small lever on the side. On either side of him sat two ponies, each of them drowning their woes in drink.

That sight made Ryan’s heart leap with joy.

Not seeing the ponies miserable; that was only slightly satisfying. No, his real source of happiness came from the mugs sitting in front of them and Oh please god oh please oh please don’t let it be Root Beer…!

In the confusion, Ryan had failed to notice two things.

Firstly, he was sitting directly between two very angry bar dwellers.

The one on his right was a blue Pegasus, madly scribbling away at scraps of paper, some of which had slipped underneath a multitude of empty mugs.

Secondly, the inhabitant on his left wasn’t even a pony.

It was a very angry, very surprised, and in comparison, very short human.

“Who the crap are you?”

A Faustian Bargain

Ryan was in a state of shock.

For one, there was another human.

Secondly, nopony else in the bar seemed to notice or care about their existence.

And, finally…

“Christ, you’re a jerk.”

“The name’s Dan! And watch who you’re callin’ a jerk, jerk!” the comparatively much smaller man stood atop the bar stool, roughly yanking Ryan down to his height by the front of his collar. The spiky black hair, beady green eyes, and sharp little teeth made him look like an exceptionally vicious garden gnome.

Dan wore a plain pair of blue jeans (which Ryan was slightly envious of, he missed his own) and a black tee shirt, with the word ‘JERK’ spelled out in white block letters. Quite frankly, he looked as if he hadn’t bathed or shaved in a while.

Then again, so did Ryan.

“… Okay, I’m gonna say this real slow, so you can understand…” Ryan enunciated slowly as he attempted to pry the smaller man’s hands away from his collar. Which was more difficult than he thought it would be, he had an iron grip. “I. Will. Break. You.”

The two had been arguing for nearly the past ten minutes straight, and the poor blue Pegasus next to them just sighed heavily and went back to scribbling, chugging down another mug of what Ryan unhappily discovered was only cider. The bartender, who still had yet to say a single word, simply wiped off the counter with the exact same old rag he’d been using. The counter couldn’t have looked any cleaner, though; it seemed to have a thick layer of glass over the wooden top.

“Oh, yeah, tough guy?” Dan threatened, balling up his fists. “You and what army?”

An egg-white hoof came down gently atop the shoulder of Dan, and behind him, Ryan could see a pony with brightly colored light and dark blue hair, eyes hidden behind a pair of large sunglasses. Why she was wearing them inside was beyond Ryan.

“Come on, man. Don’t start that again-“

“Shove it!” both Dan and Ryan shouted immediately. Sunglasses sharply withdrew her hoof, holding both of them up in surprise. The fact that she could display surprise was impressive enough, considering how much of her face the sunglasses covered. The only two humans in the bar looked back at each other, eyes widening slightly.

“… Ppffpfftnk.”

“Bwa-hahahahaha!”

It took all of about four seconds for the two to burst out into hysterics, leaving one very confused Vinyl Scratch backing slowly away.

Dan clapped Ryan on the shoulder, sitting back down on the stool. “You know, you’re not so bad!”

“I get that a lot.” Ryan said, waving over at the bartender. Despite the events that transpired, the lime green pony looked fairly bored. Very bored, now that Ryan thought about it…

The fact that this fully grown one didn’t have a cutie mark made things slightly… odder.

“You kinda remind me of my good friend, Chris!”

“Well, that’s good to kn-“

“He’s an enormous, brain-dead, lazy, gluttonous, useless lummox.”

“I get that a lot.”

Dan chuckled again, picking up a mug of the cider and chugging it quickly. Ryan looked at his suspiciously. He hadn’t ordered anything, and the lime green bartender had simply placed it before him wordlessly before continuing his endless task of wiping the counter, before the picked up a small mop in his hands and stalked off toward one of the tables where the younger fillies had spilled something.

“Ah, it’s not gonna kill ya’.” Dan said reassuringly. “And, hey. If it does, I’ll bury the body for ya’. No thanks necessary.”

“… ‘The fuck is it?” Ryan asked, swirling it around a bit. “All I’ve really had since I got here was… well, just some apples and water.”

“See? This is what’s wrong with this dump,” Dan complained loudly. Ryan could have sworn he saw the returning bartender’s eye twitch slightly. “you can’t even get a good steak here!”

Ryan was about agree wholeheartedly with him, but paused. Pinkie had said something about other humans being in Equestria, but not being in Equestria…

“So…” Ryan tried changing the topic nonchalantly, “… how did you get here?”

“Through the door. Duh.”

Ryan facepalmed, thinking quickly. “No, I meant… uh, here. With all these ponies.”

“Not a clue. It probably has something to do with my evil telemarketer clone, though.”

Well, so much for getting information on a quick way home. Knowing his luck though, he’d probably just wind up even further away.

Ryan sighed, finally taking a small sip of the cider. It wasn’t too bad, really; it was a bit spicier than he expected, with a zingy aftertaste. Pleasant. “Well, that settles it. I’m fucked.”

“Hey, buddy, look on the bright side!” Dan exclaimed with a grin, finishing off his own mug. Those sharp little teeth didn’t make his smile look any friendlier, though. “… Uh…” he thought for a moment, scratching his black goatee.

After a couple of moments, he slammed his mug on the counter nearly hard enough to make it crack. “I got nothin’. Best case scenario, we both die, cold and alone in a no-win situation.”

“See, now that’s my kind of luck.” Ryan shrugged with a self-pitying sigh. He shoved it off, though; self-pity never helped anyone.

“Hey, bartender!” Dan shouted to the lime green pony, despite the fact that he was only feet away. “Got anything stronger than this swill for my friend, here?”

For the first time, Ryan actually heard the bored bartender speak. He had a deep, gravelly voice, yet somehow managed to sound cool and collected simultaneously. “Nothing until after dark.”

Well, that was one good sign. There might actually be alcohol should he come back later. Ryan perked up slightly at this. He checked his wrist, before remembering that he didn’t own a watch. Dan, seeing this, asked “What, am I boring you now?” offended.

It had been nearly twenty minutes since he’d entered the 8-Bits, and Twilight’s warning about Pinkie’s party floated through his mind. He groaned inwardly, not looking forward to the hyperactive pink pony’s antics. In the corner, the red Pegasus working on an arcade machine had finally managed to get something working, but it was only playing music sporadically, eventually cutting out completely. From the sounds of it, Ryan would have guessed it was something by Tears For Fears.

Something about a room without lights, or some such nonsense.

“Nah, man. I’ve got, uh… previous engagements.”

“Yuppie duppie!”

“AAAAGH!” Ryan and Dan screamed simultaneously, falling off of their stools. Pinkie Pie bounced excitedly up and down behind the bar, jabbering to them both.

“Ohmigosh, did you see the looks on your faces? I wish I could show you! Oh, wait…!” she said, stretching her face out to the limits and giving her best horrified expression with a blaaagh!, her tongue hanging out. She collapsed into a fit of giggles, laughing hysterically.

And with that, she dropped back beneath the counter.

“GODDAMMIT, PINKIE, YOU NEARLY GAVE ME A HEART… attack?” he finished with a near whisper, peering behind the empty counter, save for the bartender. “… How…?”

Dan struggled back up to the counter, gasping for breath. “Gonna…. Mangle….!” He choked, clutching his left side.

Ryan glared with confusion and a little bit of fear at the bartender. “Where is she?!”

He shrugged, shifting a couple of hefty looking bottles behind him around. “No idea. She does that sometimes.”

“You can’t just go around, breaking the laws of physics all willy-nilly!” Dan roared at the bartender, who simply gave him a level look. This lime green pony was unshakeable.

He cleared his throat, setting the bottles down for a moment. “Excuse me, everyone. Pinkie Pie just broke the laws of physics. Again.”

This went mainly unnoticed, except for a couple of ponies near the door that chuckled quietly before going back to their drinks.

“See?” he said, the drooping, bored expression never leaving his face. “We get all sorts in the Eight-Bits.”

“I’m telling you, Dan. This whole place is making me lose my – Dan?” Ryan asked, turning on the spot. However, the little angry man was nowhere to be seen. He also noticed that the music had cut out again, and the pub had gone uncomfortably quiet.

“We get all sorts in the Eight-Bits.” The bartender repeated monotonously, scrubbing at the counter once again without dropping his gaze. Now slightly uneasy, Ryan began backing away toward the door. The group of ponies he’d seen earlier simply sat and watched him back away. One of them in particular, an indigo earth pony, lightly brushed his sleeve as he passed.

“Hail, Dawnbreaker.”

Well, that wasn’t cryptic at all.

One of the other ponies sitting at the table, a dull, rust colored one, slapped his hoof away quickly. “Sorry, don’t mind him,” he apologized, a fleeting look of panic flittering across his equine face. “He’s just a little… off. Spending too much time here does that to some ponies.” He gave a nervous little chuckle, and he looked more than a little scared. Almost as much so as Ryan felt. He needed to get out of here – now.

He shoved his way past them, bursting out through the door, his heart racing in his chest as the sun beat down on him. He had no idea why that burst of panic had suddenly settled on him, and he was sweating like crazy. He turned about to face the pub, trying to catch his breath, before he turned about face once again and ran as fast as he could toward Sugarcube Corner.

Hail, Dawnbreaker.

Why did that sound so familiar to him?

And, more importantly, why did it leave him feeling so sick when he thought about it?

“Yay! You made it after all!” Pinkie exclaimed excitedly, bouncing around Ryan.

“…’Course I did. I said I’d be here, didn’t I?” Ryan grunted, crossing his arms across his chest. He refused to let any of the others know just how badly he’d been inexplicably frightened just a short while ago.

“Well, it’s about time!” Twilight scolded him, ushering out the last of the partygoers through the front door.

“Hey, fuck you, Purple. I went as fast as I could.”

“What could’ve possibly taken you that long?”

“I was getting a drink.” He defended, glaring at her.

“Okay, but for that long? Really?” she said, exasperated. He really had no idea just how much of Pinkie Twilight had to deal with, repeatedly ensuring her that Ryan would, in fact, be arriving.

“Christ, chill out, would you please?” he groaned, leaning against a wall. They probably wanted him to help clean up the mess from the party. “I’m gone for fifteen, twenty minutes and you try tearin’ my head off!”

Twilight’s head tilted slightly, confused. “… Have you seen a clock this afternoon?”

“It’s mornin’, dipshit.” He pointed out, flipping her off angrily.

Her confusion only grew as she pointed out the window at the afternoon shadows, and gently said “… Ryan. You’ve been missing for the past seven hours.”

Okay, now that got his attention.

“… Uh… what?” his hands dropped down to his sides lamely. She was right, when he checked the sky outside; it was late afternoon already.

“But… but that can’t be right!” he said, heart racing. “That’s… that’s impossible! Tell her – tell her I was only gone for a few minutes, right, Pink?” he pleaded to Pinkie, who was deflating balloons by popping them, leaping atop each one happily.

“Nopie-dopie-lopie! Been right here, the whole time!”

“But-but-but-but-!” Ryan stuttered, befuddled.

“She’s right, Ryan.” Twilight said slowly as she beckoned him down, placing a hoof carefully on top of his head. “Maybe you hit your head harder than you thought…”

“Bullshit!” Ryan shoved her away, panicking. “You were there! That old dump – the one that’s bigger on the inside than it really looks! The Eight-Bits!” he was getting desperate. “You told me to go in there!”

“… Ryan, the last thing I heard from you was ‘I’m gonna check something out,’” she did her best Ryan impression in a low, husky voice. “and after that, we didn’t see you again all day. I’ve never even heard of any place in Ponyville called… er…”

“Eight-Bits!” Ryan shouted, clenching his fists. “I was… you were…!”

Twilight and Pinkie exchanged nervous looks, before Twilight said “… Look, you’ve had a long day. You should get some rest, or-“

“I’m not crazy!” Ryan said, and he realized he’d been shouting quite a bit. He forced himself to calm down, slowing his breathing. He hadn’t realized just how badly he was beginning to frighten these two.

“… Look. I just… I don’t like things I can’t explain. So, if you have any reasons or excuses as to how I just missed about seven hours out of the day, I’d love to hear it.”

Twilight opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, but didn’t say anything. Ryan cursed himself for shouting at them; it probably only made them even more reluctant to tell him anything. He sagged unhappily against the wall, grinding his palms against his eyes as he thought furiously.

That bartender… he wondered if he knew something about it.

“Okay. Okay. Okay,” Ryan repeated to himself. “I can take you to it.” He said, standing up. “And then, I’ll prove to you that I’m not loony.”

“… Is this another one of your ‘eccentric’ jokes?” Twilight asked, deadpanning.

“It was here! It was right fucking here!” Ryan jabbed a finger at the empty street, directly at a cobblestone wall. The hanging wooden sign was gone, along with the boarded up window and rickety door. There were only stones in its. Rather dusty stones, from the looks of them. It was like the place had never even been there at all.

“I’m not makin’ this shit up, I swear!” Ryan begged her.

“… I believe you.” Twilight muttered softly. It was a lie, of course; but, then again, egging Ryan into thinking he really was losing his mind certainly wasn’t going to help anyone in the long run.

“You… you do?” he asked uncertainly, trying to calm himself down.

Hail, Dawnbreaker.

“Absolutely!” Twilight said with a sudden smile, perking up. “After all, there are numerous magical anomalies occurring all over Equestria, all the time; who knows what it could’ve been!” she wasn’t making all of it up. For all she knew, Ryan’s arrival in Equestria could have been caused by some form of magical mishap.

Ryan ran a hand raggedly through his greasy hair, thinking. “… Yeah…. Yeah, maybe you’re right.”

“I usually am,” she stated with false confidence. And with that, she turned on the spot and made for the library. Ryan eventually left the spot where the 8-Bits had been, throwing the occasional glance over his shoulder. Who knows… maybe it really was all just figments of his imagination…

Well, of course it’s imaginary. That’s not to say it wasn’t REAL.

Ryan jumped, looking around for the source of the voice. It almost sounded like it was echoing behind his ears, and he immediately recognized it as the same one laughing at him before, in the strange place with all the colors… and it was much clearer, more pronounced than before.

Wow, perhaps he was going crazy.

Oh, no, my dear boy. You’re frightfully sane, I’m afraid.

“Just shut up!”

Twilight, who had been carrying on a sadly one-sided conversation, jumped at his sudden outburst, looking both confused and hurt. Ryan immediately felt a twinge of guilt, both for frightening her once again and not paying attention.

“Oh, uh… not you,” he said, holding up a hand. “I was, uh… contacting… the, uh… Mother Ship.”

“… Contacting the Mother Ship.” Twilight repeated slowly, as if he had already lost his mind long ago.

“Yeah,” he lied, scratching the back of his head nervously. “you know how us eccentric humans get without our tinfoil, and all that.” He let out a weak chuckle, hoping she bought it.

“Right…” she said, continuing to the library as if nothing had occurred. “I, er… just need to prepare another letter to Princess Celestia before dinner; I asked Spike to start on spaghetti.”

Ryan was a little surprised. He didn’t even know Spike could cook anything. To be honest, he was just expecting more apples.

“While I’m doing that, why don’t you wash up?” she asked him as she opened the library door. “Because, seriously, you smell terrible.”

“Golly gee whiz, you sure know how to boost morale,” Ryan said dryly. She looked a bit nervous when she mentioned him washing up, which could just be because she thought he was off his rocker…

That, or she wasn’t being entirely honest about something or other. He’d begun to pick up on her little cues after a while. What he hadn’t realized, however, was that she had begun to do the same.

It was true, though. He did smell terrible.

“Just point the way.” He grunted, crossing his arms across his chest. He didn’t even know the ponies had bathrooms in the first place. That would have definitely been worth knowing before the incident with Fluttershy’s garden.

Those poor flowers would never grow the same.

Ryan latched the door behind him, lighting up a nearby oil lamp with a resigned sigh.

She definitely knew something; but he doubted he was going to drag it out of her. No, his best bet was to find some other form of information. Knowing Twilight, she probably had it written down somewhere. But that would have to wait for later.

He gingerly peeled off his hand stitched (hoof stitched?) clothes that Rarity made for him, careful not to pull too much at the bandages. The scowl on his face deepening, he realized that he couldn’t get into the bath with the bandages on. Not without turning into a giant human Bandaid-prune, anyway.

The porcelain claw foot tub was just large enough for him to clamber into, but he would probably have to draw his legs up to fit in properly. Tossing the slightly crusty bandages into a wastebasket, he began filling the tub with hot water and eventually sank into it. Closing his eyes slowly, he relaxed in the nearly scalding water and let his mind drift. Events of the past few days floated through his mind, and he vaguely wondered if he really were just imagining all of this.

That’d be nice; to know that he didn’t really have to worry about anything, that he was actually wrapped up in a rubber room. Unfortunately, the hot water on rabbit-wounds felt real enough to dismiss that theory almost immediately.

His fingers lingered slightly over both old wounds and new; one from being pitched through a window, two from a knife fight years ago, quite a few on the legs and ribs from Carlos…

Just a walking bundle of joy, aren’t you?

Ryan nearly leaped out of the water, eyes jerking open. He was thankful that he thoughtlessly poured such a large quantity of soap into the water, as the bubbles covered quite a bit. He found that he’d suddenly become much more self-conscious than he was about five seconds ago.

“… So, you gonna show yourself, or is watching people in the bath just how you get your jollies?” Ryan asked no one in particular scornfully, glaring about the empty room.

Oh, please, the voice replied immediately. Upon reflection, it sounded more like a middle-aged man than anything else. If that were the case, you’d be the last person on my list. Not nearly…’ curvaceous’ enough for my tastes, shall we say.

“And what exactly is it you’re sayin’?” Ryan asked the air humorlessly.

I mean you’re not very pretty.

“Fuck you.”

You’re not my type.

Ryan’s eye twitched in frustration. “Look, just tell me what this is about, then go the fuck away.”

Oh, I’d forgotten how droll your type can be.

“You couldn’t have helped out in that place, the Eight-Bits?”

For a moment, he could almost hear the confusion. Never heard of it.

Ryan crossed his arms, sinking further into the tub. “If you got nothin’ good to say, then I ain’t talkn’, either.”

Hm. And here I was, under the innocent impression that you actually wanted to go home.

Ryan’s ears perked up, and his eyes widened a little.

“Yeah, sounds great. Just listen to the little voices in my head. What could possibly go wrong with that?” he spat sarcastically, although he held onto a sliver of hope.

I could do so much more than send you home; I could give you power. I could make you a king.

Ryan snorted, although he didn’t dismiss the voice. “And how do I know you’re not lyin’, voice?”

If you want me to prove myself, then you have to do absolutely everything I say, when I say it. And as far as names go…

If Ryan could see where the voice was coming from, he’d have sworn the speaker was drawing himself up dramatically.

You may call me Discord.

When Ryan didn’t answer, the newly dubbed ‘Discord’ lowly spoke.

… Perhaps an act of good faith is in order.

Much to his surprise, he found that the hot water stung his wounds a lot less. Not because he couldn’t feel them anymore; it was because he didn’t have them anymore.

“… I’m listening.”

Ryan grumbled angrily, wrapping fresh bandages onto his bunny wounds.

He’d been pleasantly surprised to discover that this ‘Discord’ character had healed his cuts so willingly. At least, until Ryan ‘politely’ turned him down. He should’ve known he’d come to regret that one. The moment Ryan told Discord to do highly unspeakable things to himself with gardening equipment, the presence withdrew immediately.

And every single one of Ryan’s bunny wounds had reappeared.

Turns out, open rabbit cuts and hot soap don’t mix very well.

Discord even offered to give Ryan a quick-fix option, allowing him to take his place as Discord’s crony with just a couple of words. Ryan dismissed him almost right off the bat. He’d had his fill of playing the part of crony before, and he’d only suffered for it.

After he finished tying off the wounds with the bandages he’d found beneath the sink, he redressed and quietly stuck his head out the door. From the sound of it, Twilight was downstairs. And, from the breaking of plates and her tone of voice, he’d say Spike had just broken something.

Or, rather, Spike was being blamed for breaking something.

Meaning that maybe…

He said I’d have time…

Then again, Discord had proven himself to be a fickle bastard, so he could just be lying.

Now or never.

Ryan quietly slipped further upstairs, careful to avoid making any noise on the wooden steps. They looked like they were carved right out of the tree, but he wasn’t taking any chances. He tiptoed along the edges, swiftly inching his way up to the top.

Ryan eventually found himself in the study, although the mass of scrolls he’d gone through before were missing. Skipping right by everything else, he honed in on a writing desk on a slightly elevated platform, which Discord had informed him was personally Twilight’s.

Throwing a quick glance over his shoulder, he began quietly rummaging about through the drawers, until he found what he was looking for.

Just as Discord said, copies of every single letter Twilight had sent the Princess was kept on file.

Huh. Guess he’s good for something, after all.

He rapidly scanned letter after letter, careful not to mix any of them up or shift them too far out of place. He gave each one a quick onceover before moving on to the next one, picking up a few words here and there from each letter.

… Of the preparations-

… all because of Applejack, before-

… was instead, Nightmare Moon! Precisely as-

… perhaps ‘friendship’ isn’t quite-

… although the subject appears to frequently-

… knowing where that will lead, these ‘Elements of Harmony’ appear-

Hang on, what was that one about a subject?

Ryan flipped back through the pages, furrowing his brow, until he found what he was looking for. He spotted the section, and read a portion of the letter as fast as he could.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have been monitoring the subject closely, and it appears to possess the particular behavioral model that you had anticipated. Disregarding the fact that it is clearly suspicious, I have followed your orders to a ‘T’, and eagerly await further instructions. Enclosed are the biological scans you requested, although I could only gather a certain number, considering the fact that the subject was unconscious at the time, and rather uncooperative when awake. I have begun to suspect that it is not quite the abominable killing machine you had predicted, although the subject appears to frequently refer to murder as a form of problem solving. VERY frequently, actually. Most often coupled with rather graphically detailed threats and suggestions as to where particular construction implements should be forcefully placed.

Ryan had to grin at the last part. So, it would appear that Discord was telling the truth…

Twilight knew more than she was letting on.

A lot more.

“Dinner’s getting cold, you know!” Ryan jumped, hearing the unicorn’s voice drift up the stairs. He swiftly replaced everything the best he could, quietly slipping back downstairs.

“Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time!” he shouted, hoping like hell no one had noticed his little jaunt.

“That was the first time I said it,” Twilight said with a sigh, and he could hear the rustle and bustle of the two in the dining area. He wiped a bead of cold sweat off his forehead, his mind buzzing with thoughts.

So.

She knew he was going to arrive in Equestria.

And, more importantly, so did this Princess Celestia.

It was high time he got to the bottom of things, before any more time was wasted. As he joined the pair downstairs with his best effort to not look like he’d just been snooping around for information, the thought occurred to him that disturbed him quite a bit.

The Eight-Bits was a place that even Discord didn’t know about, and Discord could speak directly into his head.

Not even Twilight remembered anything about it, and she was the one who told him about it. For some reason, he was the only one to remember anything about it.

And when dealing with magical creatures, any place with that kind of ability was definitely likely to ensure Ryan’s eventual return to it, one way or another. It was either that, or hand himself over to Discord. And he’d even made it very, very simple for Ryan… all it would take is a couple of words.

It was tempting, but he’d rather take his chances with the reality-warping bar. Hell, if he could even call this reality.

The stinging bunny wounds felt real enough, though.

Crash.

“Spike, not again!”

Author's Notes:

Hold on to your hooves, there's more on the way.

I would've preferred to have this out earlier, but I am absolutely loathe to upload any chapter that feels too short. If you're reading a decent story, it should be a decent length. Plus, I hate it when a chapter feels rushed, so I hope taking a little extra time for proofreading and such doesn't cause any problems.

Here's to you, faithful readers!

-Mo

Boast Burners

“Come on, move your ass!” Ryan grumbled, shoving ponies out of his way.

It had been a few days since the letter incident, and his bunny wounds (God that sounds humiliating) had healed up nicely. Or at least, enough that he no longer needed bandages.

After he went back to more thoroughly check the letters the next day, he discovered that the drawer was completely empty.

This made Ryan very uncomfortable. After a couple of days of not doing much, which Ryan was thankful for, he decided to begin searching around for the 8-Bits in hope of its reappearance. So far, it had done no such thing. He’d spent hours upon hours of wandering around in front of the building where it had been, carefully checking and rechecking in case he had missed anything. After a while, he’d gotten thoroughly bored and begun to wander about Ponyville, perhaps to see if the 8-Bits had materialized somewhere else.

He had no such luck.

Instead, he blundered into a large crowd of ponies, all gathered in front of, from what he could gather, was a glittery, bedazzled wagon.

From what he could see, nearly all of Ponyville had turned up for some kind of event. He spotted several that he knew in the crowd, including Rarity and a (thankfully) bunny-less Fluttershy. After a couple of seconds of hard searching, he spotted Twilight and made a beeline for her.

“Yo,” he said, waving halfheartedly. “there you are, Purple. Spike said you left already. What is this, the pony Cirque du Soleil?” he asked, jabbing a thumb at the wagon.

“Actually,” Twilight began, but was interrupted by a rather loud, screaming burst of fanfare, far too close for comfort. Multiple lights atop the bedazzled caravan lit up, and Ryan’s hand went to his Zippo lighter instinctually to light up a cigarette he didn’t have. He didn’t know quite why, but every time he saw circus lights, he felt a lot like smoking.

It might have been because of that one time he set a clown on fire.

But it was okay, because it was only an ICP fan.

That particular memory brought a rather wicked grin to his face, which Twilight must have taken for appreciation of flashy exhibition.

“Ponies and gentlecolts, mares and fillies, all ages and sizes! Come one, come all!”

Ryan was a little surprised to see that there were no clowns here after all. Then again, a pony in clown makeup probably looked just as creepy as a human in clown makeup.

… Ryan didn’t like clowns very much.

“Presenting, the one, the only, the GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!” upon finishing, the stage curtains burst open, revealing a sky blue unicorn with a fancy cape, bowing dramatically.

A couple of younger ponies near the front of the crowd looked absolutely awestruck, although they didn’t look too bright. From the stare one of them was giving Trixie, he’d have guessed that the little unicorn had some kind of brain damage.

“Yes, my faithful, adoring audience! It is I, the Great and Powerful Trixie, the most incredible and powerful unicorn in all of Equestria!”

Ryan voiced his opinion on the matter with all the grace and subtlety of a furious rampaging rhinoceros charging through a nursery school while high on crystal meth.

“Oh, I call bullshit!”

“Who dares to question the might of the Great and Powerful Trixie?!” the unicorn demanded instantly, stomping a hoof as if offended. In hindsight, she probably was.

Her eyes lingered, a little surprised over a wide eyed Ryan for a moment, only to discover that his hand was pointed starkly away from him in order to avoid blame.

As a matter of fact, his finger was pointing directly at Twilight Sparkle.

“You, there! You dare to mock the Great and Powerful Trixie? Trixie is ten times the magician you are, little foal! What other pony can claim to have singlehoofedly held off an Ursa Major?” she roared, magically lifting up a couple of the front row ponies into the air, the same ogling pair of unicorns he’d seen. Light’s and a couple of high pitched noisemakers flared up around Trixie, and she did indeed look fairly powerful.

“I… I… I…” Twilight stuttered, at a loss for words.

“Oh, yeah?” Ryan shouted back, doing his best to ‘stand up’ for Twilight. She saw what he was doing and opened her mouth to protest, but he cut her off. “Purple here could kick your ass!”

“That’s not really-“ Twilight stammered.

“And,” Ryan added. “And, she could kick your blue butt with one hoof tied behind her back!”

“Ryan, I really don’t-“

“AND, SHE COULD RUN YOU OUTTA THIS BACKWOODS DUMP WITH JUST ONE SPELL!”

“RYAN!” Twilight shouted to make herself heard. It was too late, however; the entire crowd was watching her, and she shrank down.

“So, it’s a magical duel you want from Trixie, is it?” Trixie asked scornfully, glaring at Twilight for suggesting such a ludicrous thing. Which, in fact, she did not. “Very well! If it’s a battle of skill you want, it’s a battle of skill you’ll get! Trixie will be awaiting your arrival in the town center at midnight!” she ranted, glaring viciously at Twilight as if expecting some reprisal. “You’ll have your chance to challenge the Great and Powerful Trixie with your single spell; and, should you fail, the Great and Powerful Trixie shall banish you as easily as Trixie did that unwitting Ursa Major!”

… Oh, fuck.

The caravan quickly snapped shut, and it began hobbling down the road on slightly tilted wooden wheels creakily. The two awestruck young unicorns near the front had begun whispering conspiratorially to each other with excitement, but Ryan ignored them. They couldn’t be up to anything good, but he’d deal with that later.

Twilight was glaring at him angrily, looking half angry and half ashamed that she’d been called out in the midst of a crowd, which was slowly dispersing already.

“… What?”

“Darling, why ever didn’t you stand up to that blowhard?” Rarity asked Twilight as she trotted over, wearing another of her over the top, frilly sunhats.

“Yeah, why not?” Rainbow Dash asked Twilight, zooming down from above. Ryan hadn’t even noticed that she’d been above them, though he caught sight of her resting on a cloud before she did zipped down.

… How the hell…

“Hey, Skittles. Aren’t clouds made of water, and shit?” Ryan asked Rainbow Dash curiously, turning from the angry Twilight.

“Well, technically. See, kinda like the way rainbows are-“

“Oh, don’t think you’re getting out of this that easily, Mister!” Twilight growled at him, lowering her horn dangerously. “Just what were you thinking? Do you have any idea how much trouble you’ve just caused?”

“Uh… yes?” Ryan guessed slowly. Spotting the dangerous eye twitch he’d grown accustomed to noticing and a couple of stray sparks flying off of her horn, he quickly said “I-I was just standin’ up for you, is all, kid.”

Her idle threats of turning him into unpleasant things like a very large bullfrog flittered into his mind. He hadn’t actually seen her turn anything into a bullfrog yet, but he had seen her pull off some pretty difficult looking transformation magic with a couple of rocks that Spike insisted would make great moustaches. Quite frankly, he didn’t like the prospect of being turned into a gigantic moustache too much, either.

“I am a capable young adult, for your information!” Twilight said angrily.

“Well, yeah, I guessed as much…” Ryan began slowly, desperately trying to think of a way out of the hole he was steadily digging.

“Then why, precisely, did you feel it necessary to ‘defend’ me, immediately after placing blame on me for your shortcomings? Especially now that she’s expecting me to show her up with a single spell!”

“Well, uh, you see…” he stuttered. He was starting to get nervous, and that horn of hers was glowing brighter by the minute. “I-I-I was, uh… you can’t take her on now!”

“Why not?!”

“Because you’re a girl!”

Twilight’s eyes widened slightly, and she sputtered furiously, shame at being called out by Trixie utterly forgotten.

So, he’d solved half the problem.

… Sort of.

“And what is that supposed to mean? What, just because somepony else is a male, that makes them intrinsically more capable of dealing with particular dilemmas?”

“Well… yeah.”

Of all the stupid things Ryan had ever done…

He’d expected Twilight to zap him with some kind of transmogrification mojo, but the heavy backhanded slap from Skittles surprised him. It resounded through the area with a loud pop!, and Ryan could have sworn he heard his neck crack from the sudden movement.

He’d give her that much – if Dash had tried a right out haymaker, it probably would have taken his head off.

“… Ow.” He stated simply as he turned slowly back around, and the mental image of him continuously digging his own grave grew sharper. The familiar taste of copper tingled slightly in his mouth.

“Lemme at him, lemme at him!” Dash struggled against the combined efforts of Rarity and Twilight, who held her wings back before she could hit Ryan again.

“That was – hnnk! – uncalled for, really, dear!” Rarity strained against Dash, trying to hold back one wing.

“My flank, it was uncalled for! I’m gonna hit him again!” she roared, pulling so hard that Twilight and Rarity were beginning to drag along the ground.

Ryan had made a mistake in egging on the Great and – fuck that, I’m callin’ her Clown Pony.

He’d made a grave error in egging on the Clown. This was apparent. It was even worse that he’d tried to pin the blame on Twilight, but he wasn’t going down without a fight.

He hadn’t even gone full blown asshole yet.

Twilight wasn’t speaking to him.

He trudged back to the library after a while, and, much to his surprise, Rarity trotted alongside him. He’d have thought that after everything he’d said, Rarity would be one of the last people – uh, ponies – to want to be anywhere near him. He hated to have made them so angry at him; but, then again, if ponies were anything like people, then they tended to miss minor details that they otherwise would have noticed.

That was the whole idea, of course; ensuring that everypony else’s attention would be elsewhere, and Trixie had practically handed it to him. So long as they were all distracted, including Twilight.

Especially Twilight.

And it was just his luck…

“So, why ain’t you calming down your friend?” Ryan asked Rarity lowly, not looking at her. She pursed her lips, and after a moment, said “She wants to be alone right now, dar- Ryan.”

She definitely did not look pleased. And she’d begun to refer to him by his name, which he didn’t take as a good sign.

“Then why tag along?” he asked bitterly as they passed Sugarcube Corner. “Don’t you have better ‘friends’ to hang around?”

“I most certainly do,” she agreed. “and as unbearably chauvinistic, bigoted, and narrow-minded as you may be, I don’t believe you really meant what you said to her.”

Perceptive little…

“… Why’d you say that?” Ryan asked, still not looking at her.

“Because, dear, you’re a terrible liar, and you’ve got ‘guilt’ written all over your face.”

Ryan blinked, and finally realized that Twilight wasn’t the only one who’d begun to pick up on some of his cues.

“I dunno what you’re-“

“Spare me,” Rarity said, deadpanning. “I know that face. It’s the ‘I’m planning something, but I don’t want anyone to know,’ face.”

Ryan blinked again, dumbfounded. How she’d managed to see right through his ruse was beyond him.

“You forget, dear – Sweetie Belle is one of the cleverest, most conniving little troublemakers in all of Ponyville. I say again; I know that face.”

Her unexpected outburst surprised him a bit. “I, uh… I thought you and your sister got along well?” he asked.

She huffed, and they drew close enough to the library that it was now in sight. “We did, dear… at least, until she apparently said something or other to my parents the last time they were visiting. Since then, they won’t even look me in the eye, and Sweetie Belle won’t say a word as to why…”

Ryan’s heart froze in his chest, remembering back to his meeting with Rarity’s sister and mother.

… Aw, fuck.

“Ah, there’s that look again.” she said with smug satisfaction, magically drawing open the door of the library. Spike, who had been balancing atop a ladder, turned quickly to see them.

“Twi, it’s about time, those charts were – oh, hi Rarity!” his face lit up, and he dropped the book he was putting away. It hit the ground with a heavy thud, and he leapt off the ladder excitedly to run up and hug her.

“Hello, Spike,” Rarity said as she gently pried away from him. “I was just escorting Twilight’s friend here,” she said with some disdain. “back to the library to make sure he doesn’t get into any more trouble.”

Ryan’s face flushed in anger, though he held back.

What’s she playing at?

“Oh, okay,” Spike said, slightly crestfallen. “So… you gotta go do something important now, right?”

“Not at all, dear,” she said happily, the mood change sudden. “I would be positively delighted should some kind drake offer tea for a tired lady…” she finished suggestively.

“Ooh! Ooh! I know a kind drake!” Spike threw his claw up in the air. “I’ll get tea! Be right back!” and with that, he scampered off into the kitchen to prepare the tea. Much clanging and pottering about followed.

Rarity sighed, blowing a strand of purple hair out of her face. “There. That should give us a couple of minutes,” she said as she took a seat nimbly on the sofa.

“For what?” Ryan asked suspiciously, crossing his arms.

“Look, dear. You’re going to need help with whatever you’ve got planned, and you’d better have properly explained yourself within the next…” she paused, listening closely at the noise in the kitchen.

“Two. Two minutes.”

Clang!

“Three. Three minutes.”

Clang!

“… Just take your time, dear.”

It took him a moment to figure out why she’d want to help him, especially after the cruel things he’d just said to her best friend.

He felt stupid afterwards, when he’d finally realized her reasoning behind her actions.

Ryan wasn’t the only one that wanted answers.

“Very well, peasant!” Trixie puffed as a bead of sweat rolled down her forehead. “Beat that!”

She stood in the center of town in front of her caravan, the crowds gazing in awe. Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie and Rarity stood behind Twilight, watching hopefully.

Twilight was about to reply that she had no intention of giving any kind of retaliatory performance, when she was rudely interrupted.

By a rather loud, angry roar.

“URSA MAJOR URSA MAJOR URSA MAJOR URSA MAJOR!”

“FASTER, SNIPS! FASTER!”

In the end, Rarity had wound up talking Ryan into completely scrapping his plan.

Albeit, in place of a much better plan.

All it had taken was a couple of flirty winks from Rarity before she left, and Spike was all to glad to let Ryan send his own little letter about his lessons on ‘friendship’ directly to Princess Celestia. And he didn’t even need the massive distraction, although it definitely helped give him some extra time.

Afterwards, Ryan had asked Spike where Twilight kept the copies of her letters, so that he could place his amongst the files. To his chagrin, Spike only shrugged.

“Sorry, I don’t know where she keeps the copies. I didn’t even know she had any copies.” He said, stuffing some more frosting in his mouth.

That, and the extra time granted him some breathing room to come up with a plan that would hopefully lead to Twilight hating him slightly less. He was living under the same roof with her, after all – and Ryan had had enough experiences with living with others to know that you do not want the other person to go to sleep angry.

Then again, Clara was legally insane and a lot more dangerous than Twilight Sparkle, but he considered that one up for debate.

Not even going to think about it…

Ryan distracted himself with the task at hand, and Spike helped… well, clean the bowls with his tongue.

“… Oh, dude. Gross.”

“Whath groth?” he asked, his serpentine tongue coated in frosting as it flicked back between his lips with a sssst!

Ryan heard the front door creak open, and he quickly blew out the lights and hid, motioning for Spike to do the same.

“-and she’s all, ‘That’s an Ursa Minor?’, and you’re all-“

“Yes, Rainbow Dash, I know,” he heard Twilight say dryly. “I was there, remember? I’ll see you tomorrow, I suppose…” she left it hanging.

“Oh, okay,” Dash answered automatically. “Just remember what I told you; punch to the legs, then kick him in the head. Punch, kick – punch, kick…!” from the sounds of it, she was giving the air a good thrashing.

“I very well might,” he heard Twilight reply wryly before closing the door, and he slowly made sure that Spike was in front of him. He was small, but he’d make an excellent meat shield should Twilight decide to follow her friend’s advice and beat the ever living hell out of Ryan.

Not that he wouldn’t deserve it.

She sighed, and magically lit an oil lamp. The room was instantly flooded with soft light as the little metal container was instantly heated.

Spike leapt out as soon as he saw the lamp, shouting “Surprise!”

Twilight shrieked, and telekinetically threw the lit lamp directly over Spike’s head. Ryan, directly behind him, dropped the cake they’d spent hours on with a splat!, catching the lamp.

“AAGH! HOT! HOT!” Ryan yelped, hurling the lamp out the glass window as hard as he could. The window shattered, and from the sound of it, it had hit something in the street. The unfortunate soul outside began shrieking hysterically as well.

“Who dares to further defile the Gr- SWEET CELESTIA, FIRE! FIRE!”

Twilight, Spike, and Ryan all stood stock still, staring at the blunder they’d inadvertently caused. Twilight’s horn glowed brightly for a moment, before slowly lighting a spare lamp and magically hanging it from the ceiling. From the new light, she could clearly see a frosting coated Ryan and Spike, although Spike looked fairly clean in the areas he could lick with his tongue.

On the ground in front of Ryan, the remains of the cake clearly spelled out Sory, Purple Twilite.

“… Uh… Oops?” Twilight offered comfortingly.

“Isn’t anypony going to help Trixie?!”

Author's Notes:

Because lighting Trixie's caravan on fire couldn't possibly have any negative consequences.