“And that’s why your idea is bullshit,” Ryan carefully explained to the roomful of ponies, pointing with a stick at a very carefully drawn chart.

Granted, a chart that he’d ‘borrowed’ from Twilight and scribbled all over to make his point, but a chart nonetheless.

“But-but-but-“ Twilight stammered. “the dragon! Do you have any idea how much damage to the ecosystem that thing is going to do if we don’t make sure he moves in time?”

“Uh-eh-uh.” Ryan shrugged, grunting his ‘I don’t know’. “Where I come from, we normally just leave the eco-terrorist shit to Captain Planet, and call it a day.”

Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack had all gathered in the library at Twilight’s behest, who had gathered as much information on the dragon as she possibly could.

At which point, Ryan did everything within his power to stall them from going after the dragon.

Not because he cared about it one way or another; she had hurled a flaming object at his head. It was revenge time, once again. And if stalling her was what would cause them the most trouble, then stalling them was the best option.

Regardless of the fact that it had all been his fault in the first place. Either way, he got what he needed; now, all he had to do was wait.

He almost let his grin slip; all it had taken to throw a wrench into the plans was forging Twilight’s signature, with the simple message to the Princess stating only ‘All is revealed. Flee while you can.’

That should stir things up a little.

“M-maybe he’s right…” Fluttershy said quietly, tucking her wings in tightly.

“Whaddya mean?” Dash asked, sticking her face in Fluttershy’s.

“Oh, I-I-I…” she stuttered, shrinking before her friend. “I just mean, maybe the dragon will, um… go away on its own?” she squeaked hopefully.

“Fluttershy,” Rainbow said bluntly. “this is a dragon we’re talking about. A big, mean, vicious, ugly, stupid-“

“Er-hem.” Spike coughed, tapping his foot in an aggravated fashion. Dash jumped a little; she hadn’t even seen him enter the room.

“Oh, uh…” she said, rubbing the back of her head as she flapped her wings nervously. “Just this dragon in particular. You’re cool.”

Spike snorted, stomping off.

“Hah!” Ryan laughed, jeering at the ponies. “You guys are so fucked! He was a dragon; maybe he could’a talked to the thing for you. Now, you dumb shits don’t even have a distraction!”

The poor, poor bastard.

Ryan stomped up the side of the mountain angrily, kicking brushes and brambles this way and that. The scarves Rarity insisted on loading him down with certainly weren’t helping, and neither was the fact that Twilight insisted on his ‘help’. This was turning out to be one enormous clusterfuck.

“I’m not a fuckin’ pack mule!” he groaned, hefting up the saddlebags on his shoulders as he trudged along behind them. Fluttershy held back behind the group as well, although slightly behind him. Hell, maybe she could take one of the bags…

“Well, you have hands. Put them to good use for once,” Twilight said cheerily over her shoulder, trotting in a carefree manner up the side of the mountain. Which was odd, considering the fact that they were on their way to challenge a fucking dragon.

“Ooh! I just remembered!” Pinkie gasped, leaping into the air. “I knew I should have packed my plus five vorpal sword!” she said, distraught.

“Yes, yes, that’s great, Pinkie,” Twilight said distractedly, pulling out a rolled up and torn map. “Then… this way… and then… ah, right.”

“Hey,” Ryan panted, “this… hoo!... rock got a… hnn!... name?”

“Yes, it’s-“

“Mount Clusterfuck,” Ryan said, cutting her off.

“Actually, its name is-“

“Mount Motherfucking Clusterfuck,” Ryan finished with a heavy breath, dropping the saddlebags and before collapsing on the ground, coated in sweat. He was beginning to hate the newly dubbed ‘Mount Clusterfuck’ almost as much as he had learned to hate unicorns.

Come to think of it, Pegasi, too.

Actually, you know what? Fuck all of ‘em alike.

He wiped a bead of sweat off his brow, gazing up at the mountain. “Any o’ you asshats got any water? It’s been hours!”

Twilight blinked, tucking away her map. “… It’s only been fifteen minutes.” Regardless, she levitated a canteen of water out of her own pack and gave it to him, which he downed quickly and thanklessly.

“If-if it’s all the same to you, um…” Fluttershy said nervously. “I… I think somepony should go back, you know, to, um… check on Spike. He seemed very, um…” she eventually trailed off, noticing that every single one of her friends (and Ryan) were staring at her.

Ryan began cackling madly, wiping the water off his face. “Are you shittin’ me? I’m not getting out of this; neither are you, kid.”

By the time they’d nearly reached the top, it really had been hours.

And Ryan was absolutely miserable.

“For the thousandth time, Pink! I know!” Ryan grunted, heaving the saddlebags angrily.

“And then, Gilda is all frumpy and grumpy! And then Dashie is all-“

“I KNOW! YOU TOLD ME THE SAME STORY FORTY-SIX TIMES OVER! I KNOW! I FUCKING KNOW!”

Pinkie, completely unhindered by Ryan’s rage (as she had been for the past three hours), merely continued rambling. “And the prank with the drinking glass – priceless.”

She stayed just in front of him by a couple of feet, happily prancing forward despite her own saddlebag. Always, and quite infuriatingly, she remained just out of his reach whenever he swiped forward, forcing him to clamber onwards if he were ever to mangle that pink pony.

It was the only thing keeping him going, really.

Must… Strangle…. Annoying… Pony…!

“Gee, you’re lookin’ a little flushed there, big guy!” Skittles said to him far too happily. “But that’s okay, because big, tough guys like you are used to all the heavy lifting that girls just can’t do, huh?”

“Fuck – huff – me… hnnnkrrrtttt! With a... pfffoah! Goddamn shovel!” he groaned, dropping his packs once more to stop and rest against the rockside. “Are… are you still on about that?” he asked, wiping sweat from his brow.

“Funny, that.” She said with a deadpan expression, drifting off to the front of the group. Fluttershy still had her wings clasped tightly to her sides, and Ryan could see that she was shaking a little. He felt a small level of sympathy for her momentarily; hell, he was shaking, too. However, he quickly realized that whereas he was shaking from exhaustion, she was simply terrified out of her wits.

“Christ, wassa matter with you?” Ryan asked, dropping to the ground and pulling out another canteen. He was glad Twilight had insisted on packing so much water; not so much that he had to carry it. Fluttershy just quivered even harder when she looked up the mountain to where the smoke was billowing out from, covering most of Ponyville.

That was another thing he meant to bring up the next time he got a chance to pester Twilight; the name ‘Ponyville’ had to be one of the dumbest things to call anyplace he’d ever heard.

“Aren’t… aren’t you afraid of the dragon?” Fluttershy squeaked, her head dipping even lower at the thought.

Ryan snorted, taking another hefty chug. “Are you fuckin’ kidding me? I’m more afraid of that fuzzy pet demon of yours than I am some overgrown gecko. But, uh… don’t go mentionin’ that to anbody else, ‘kay?”

She blinked, then nodded with a little smile. She did her best to look calm and collected, but so far all she was doing was shaking so much her own small saddlebags were beginning to rattle. She shifted them uncomfortably, staring back up at the mountain with an uneasy look.

Ryan looked at her for a full minute, then sighed heavily before dropping his head, letting his shaggy mass of greasy black hair fall around his head.

“… Gimme.”

“Huh?” Fluttershy asked, confused.

“Your bag. You can keep closer to your friends if you’re not slowed down by that bag of crap, right?” Ryan said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “And it’s obvious you’re gonna need to stay close to them if you’re ever gonna get over your fear of dragons. So… gimme.”

Fluttershy blinked, and smiled kindly at him. He hefted the third saddlebag upon his shoulders, quickly followed by Dash’s and Rarity’s bags. It was difficult, but he managed; so long as he stayed balanced, he could keep moving.

“… Thank you.” Fluttershy said softly, and Ryan brushed her off.

“Christ, don’t go gettin’ all mushy on me. I’m gonna need extra weight anyway, so I can balance out these other two bags.”

Fluttershy spotted his lie outright, but she didn’t say anything. She simply gave him a thankful nod, and swiftly caught up to her friends. Ryan groaned for the millionth time, and heaved as hard as he could, slowly working his way up the mountain.

He added ‘work out more often’ to his mental list of things he vowed to do.

Five minutes of climbing later, he also added ‘stop fucking helping’.

“Oh, come on, Fluttershy! Just fly across!” her friend Rainbow Dash tried to motivate her, waving madly.

“I-I-I- I just c-c-c-c-can’t!” she cried out, shaking like a leaf in the wind. So far, Ryan’s plan of helping her hadn’t turned out exactly as he hoped it would.

That plan didn’t work for jack-diddly.

That works, too.

It was a rather small ravine, from what Ryan could see. The further up they climbed, the more their voices echoed off the rock cliffs. He was the only one left on the same side as Fluttershy, the rest of the group already on the opposite side. Fluttershy shook and quivered, looking down the ravine with a squeak of terror.

How this little thing managed to look him in the eye when they first met and threaten to murder him, yet still have a panic attack over things like heights and loud noises was beyond him.

He would’ve noted that he was pretty certain that the rabbit, Angel, had already claimed her home and taken his place as the Alpha Male, but Angel had beaten the tar out of him the last time he met, so he wasn’t saying anything.

“You can do it, Fluttershy! We know you can!” Twilight repeated the same type of drivel that Skittles did, in the hopes that Fluttershy would actually do something.

“Yo, Flutterbitch,” Ryan interjected, rearranging all three packs so that he was carrying them all over one arm. “remember what I said to you earlier?”

She looked at him with a mixture of fear and confusion. “You mean, about fuck-shit-stacks?”

“What? Oh, no, not that.” Ryan said, waving her off. It was a little odd to hear Fluttershy swearing. Especially considering the fact that he’d never even heard any of the others do it. “I meant about staying closer to your friends, and all that cliché shit.”

“I don’t really-“ Fluttershy was promptly cut off by a very large, charging and yelling human. She shrieked, and the rest of the group gasped in surprise. In hindsight, Ryan was glad she hadn’t simply sidestepped him, causing him to tumble headfirst into the ravine. Although he’d probably have less pain if she had.

Instead, the rampaging Ryan swooped her up in one arm, ran as hard as he could at the ravine while screaming something that sounded uncannily like ‘over the shark, Fonzie!’ that echoed over and over again, and landed heavily with both feet on the ground with a puff of dust. Ryan felt rather proud of himself for that one.

The entire group stood stock still, watching the scene with abject horror.

“… What?”

He hefted Fluttershy up slightly, making certain that he had a good grip so that neither she nor the bags fell. She simply gave him a pitiful, terrified whimper. He carefully set her down so that she could get her bearings, but she kept on looking up. It was a little strange, though; he hadn’t noticed before that his voice was echoing with quite a bit more frequency than before.

“… What?”

The rest of the group slowly began backing away, and then running as fast as their little legs would carry them up the side of Mt. Clusterfuck.

“… What?”

And that’s when the rocks began falling.

“Did… did everypony make it?” Twilight huffed, breathing heavily from the exertion. Rainbow Dash, who had simply flown around the avalanche, landed with grace. She did a quick head count, then nodded.

“Yup! Thank goodness nopony important was hurt.”

“Oh, god, my legs!” Ryan moaned in agony, flopping into the dirt in exhaustion. The dust flew up into the air around him, much to Rarity’s dismay.

“Dash!” Twilight scolded. “I asked-“

“Thank goodness nopony important was hurt.”

Twilight gave Dash a flat stare, who only grinned back at her. “… That’s not funny.”

“Who’s being funny?” Dash asked, flapping up into the air. “Well, aside from Mister Super Macho Tough Guy, here, crying like a baby. That was pretty funny.”

“Ffw pfe pffe pf pfd, weff pfe pfeffe pfef.”

“Sorry, didn’t catch that,” Dash said, holding a hoof up to her ear, never dropping her grin. After a few moments of silence, Dash leaned in and carefully lifted Ryan’s face out of the dirt. He spat out dust, sputtering. “I said, are you ever gonna let that shit go?”

“Are you going to apologize for being such a ginormous jerk?” Rainbow asked bluntly.

“Fuck no.”

Dash dropped his head with a clunk!, and gave a little sigh with the shake of her head.

“Look, can we please just – whoa!” she ducked as a billowing burst of roiling black smoke came blasting out of the cave, which they’d finally reached. This was the only thing Ryan was thankful for. At the rate his bones were protesting at, they were likely to gather their friends and all go on strike.

“Er… excuse me, um… Mister Dragon?” Twilight called cautiously into the cave. She gingerly stepped inside, and from where Ryan lay as he slowly struggled to his feet (which was a little difficult to do with three saddlebags strapped to his back,) he could see that there was something glittering inside.

After a couple of moments, Twilight came back out, completely coated in soot.

“… I don’t think he’s going to listen to reason.” She said flatly.

“Pffft! Ha ha! Silly Twilight!” Pinkie laughed, and Ryan realized what she had in her pack. At least, he hoped Pinkie carried all that crap in her pack. He couldn’t think of anywhere else she could have stored it.

Pinkie was, without a doubt, wearing the most ridiculous thing Ryan had seen since that one time he’d accidentally gotten his cousin drunk and locked him inside a women’s shopping center.

Oh, he had never let that one go. It still brought a smile to Ryan’s face.

But back to the ponies.

Pinkie was wearing what looked like bright blue diving flippers, a green present with yellow bows large enough to cover a pony, red women’s glasses, and had balloons tied all over herself.

In short, she looked fucking ridiculous.

“You look fucking ridiculous.”

Told you so.

“That’s the plan, silly filly!” Pinkie giggled as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Pinkie prattled on about her plan to make the dragon happier with a party. Within the fourth second of her walking into the cave entrance, Ryan was jeering out “Bets! Taking all bets, four hundred and sixty-seven to one, the dragon eats her in one bite!”

Another four seconds later, Pinkie Pie came hobbling out of the cave.

“… Well?” Twilight asked hopefully, trying to rub soot off of herself and only making it worse.

“… He’s a big meanie-pants.”

“… Er…”

“He... said he’s going to do unspeakable things to me... with a crowbar,” Pinkie said, a little deflated.

“O-okay…?” she replied uncertainly. “Er…”

Rarity chuckled, giving her mane a disdainful toss. “Dear, it takes a lady to charm a gentlecolt’s heart, whether pony or drake.”

“… You sure, Miss Afraid-ta’-get-dirty?” Applejack asked slyly.

“Oh, ho-ho, darling,” Rarity said to Applejack as if she’d just said something stupid. “To coin a phrase, I got this.”

“How in tarnation is that coinin’-“ but Rarity didn’t stay to listen, as she already began sauntering slowly inside the cave.

After a couple of moments of silence, followed by Ryan’s rather gleeful “She’s gonna get all fucked up,” a very flustered Rarity came streaking out of the cave, dropping loads of jewels and golden ornaments behind her in the cavern. She looked a little sad to see them go. Ryan started for the jewels automatically, before realizing that he couldn’t actually get them home to make money off of them. He settled for stuffing his fists in his pockets with pent up anger, realizing too late that the light ripping noise he heard was his fist going through the pocket.

Thankfully, it was the pocket without the Zippo lighter in it. He hadn’t needed it for much, but he liked having it with him.

Applejack sighed heavily, affixing her hat so that her blond hair was neatly tucked beneath is as she pulled out a lasso. Even Twilight looked a little surprised at this.

“Applejack, you can’t just lasso a dragon!”

“Buck you, ah can’t lasso a dragon!” and with that, Applejack gave a mighty charge at the dragon. From the glimpses he’d gotten of it through the smoke and smog, he could see that it was a great, large red lizard; from the size of the claws and teeth, it looked downright vicious.

“… Taking bets, all bets are-“

“Ryan!”

“What?” he said, shrugging at Twilight cluelessly. “What did I do?”

A couple of roars and clouds of nearly flaming black smoke later, Applejack was tossed out of the cave and landed on her back, skidding to a stop in front of the ragtag group. To add insult to injury, a few apples were tossed out after her, each one hitting her in the stomach with impressive precision.

“… Buck me, ah can’t lasso a dragon.”

“All right, that’s it!” Rainbow Dash said, rolling up invisible sleeves. “You’re all doin’ it wrong! You can’t just go in, bein’ all nice, or throw parties, or whore yourselves out for jewelry!”

“Excuse me?!”

“You gotta hit ‘em hard, and not just hard,” she said, preparing for an aerial charge with a couple of mighty flaps of her wings. “You gotta hit ‘em so hard, their great-great-great- (she was backing further up in the air with each ‘great’) great-great-great-great-great-great grandchildren will feel it!”

Somewhere down in Ponyville, Spike sneezed.

With her threat in tow, Rainbow Dash flew into the cave, leaving an incredibly long burst of rainbow colored light behind her.

“… Rainbow,” Ryan said, amazed as he pointed at it. “all the way across the sky.” He seemed a little dumbfounded by that one.

“And so’s your mother!” he heard from within the cave, immediately before a Rainbow Dash shaped object came flying back out, leaving an identical rainbow trail directly beneath the first one. She flapped and struggled to get back in the air, unsteadily swooping down toward the mouth of the cave. Ryan seemed even more enthralled by the second rainbow than the first one.

“… Double rainbow… all the way across the sky…!”

Oh, my god. Look at that rainbow.

Fluttershy squeaked in terror, and he looked down at her. He hadn’t even realized she’d been cowering behind his leg this entire time. Ryan sighed, looking into the cave before he rolled his neck in what he hoped was a manly manner and cracked his knuckles.

“Okay, obviously I’m gonna hafta show you girls how a real man solves his problems.”

Of all the stupid things Ryan had ever done…

He stomped right into the cave, getting a good look at the old beast. It certainly looked like a big meanie-pants.

“Okay,” Ryan said, explaining slowly as he jabbed a finger in the old lizard’s face.

Probably not the best idea he’d ever had.

“Okay, here’s what’s gonna go down, fat ass.” He cracked his knuckles again for emphasis, glaring at the dragon as he drew up close to it. “You’re gonna leave the kids alone, you’re gonna leave that whole town in a non-smoking section, and you’re gonna fly your fat ass back to the hole you crawled out of, got it?”

The old red dragon, for all his wealth and years, had never been quite so surprised. And that’s probably the only reason Ryan hadn’t been torn in half yet; he was just too stupid to realize it. Ergo, the reason Ryan kept talking. He actually seemed to be under the impression that the threats he was hurling at the dragon were intimidating it.

The poor, poor bastard.

“But before that, I’m gonna open up a can o’ whoop-ass, you got that? I watched Hulk Hogan! I’ve seen every Bruce Lee movie!” he struck up a one-legged karate pose. “I’m Neo, I know kung fu! I’ll whoop your ass from here to the edge of Equestria! Fuck, we’ll keep going to Brooklyn! I’ll make you into turtle soup! So come on! Come ahwn! Bring it! Bring it on! Bring it ahwn, bitch!”

Or, at least, that’s what Ryan would have said, had his last word not been rudely cut off by the turning dragon’s tail.

For a very, very brief moment, the slightly-sharper-than-it-looked tail looked like it might have tickled more than it would hurt.

And tickle Ryan, it did.

It tickled Ryan with all the loving, gentle tenderness of a speeding Boeing 747.

Berry Punch was having a hell of a day.

She’d worked her rosy rear off all day, some rampaging hairless ape had nearly knocked her off the sidewalk as he shoved his way through, and she couldn’t even remember where her favorite haunt was.

Funny; she would have sworn that the 8-Bits was right here… she must have just forgotten it in one of her hazes again. It was binge drinking that caused most of her problems. Thankfully, it was also the solution to most of her problems.

Either way, she needed a drink.

No, Berry, she scolded herself. You are a working class pony; you went to all the meetings, and you are a normal, upstanding citizen. Everything’s going to be just fine, you don’t ‘need’-

In the distance, Berry Punch could have sworn she heard high pitched screaming. She vaguely wondered if it was that group of ponies that had foolishly wandered up the mountain hours ago. At least, until she noticed a faint speck flying speedily through the air, taking down several trees with it.

Oh, no.

“Hey, Berry!” Lyra Heartstrings waved to her. The light blue unicorn sat in an odd manner on a bench, smiling warmly at her to get her attention. Berry’s attention seemed to be elsewhere, however. Mainly, at the screaming speck that was steadily growing both larger and louder.

No, no, no, no.

“Berry? You okay?” Lyra asked, hopping down from the bench and trotting over to her to wave a hoof slowly in front of her face. “Yoo-hoo?”

No no no no no no!

The look of abject horror on Berry’s face only grew, and she very carefully began sidestepping. Lyra finally tossed a glance in the same direction Berry Punch had been staring in fear, and her eyes widened.

She ducked, just in time for a large, six-foot-something hairless ape slam violently through a glass window.

Of Berry Punch’s house.

“… B… Berry? Did… did you see…?” Lyra began with a shaking hoof, pointing toward Berry’s thoroughly destroyed wall.

“… Oh, sweet Celestia do I need a drink after this much crap.” She said miserably.

If Ryan could have replied, he’d have agreed.

Author's Notes:

Some of you may have noticed recently that the rating tag changed from T, to M. Then, back to T again.
I did this for two reasons.
One: I began this fic with the Teen rating, and it would be senselessly cruel to force those who have already begun reading the story to check that little 'View Mature' box. I'm not going to do that to you.
Two: I am terribly indecisive.
...
That is all.

I Remain,
-Akumokagetsu