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The Pointless Adventures of Guinness

by Altoid

Chapter 9: Don’t Forget to Wear a Coat

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I remember somebody back in Ponyville saying that pegasi had better tolerance to cold due to them flying at high altitude. Also, when I was a human I liked the winter; one of my favorite seasons. But none of this really matters when you fly headlong into a blizzard.

I slipped out of the sky, gasping for breath the entire time, and crash landed in a snow drift. It took a great deal of energy to dig myself out. I don’t really remember much after that other than feeling really cold, not being able to see anything before eventually passing out.





My eyes cracked open and I immediately groaned quietly. “I going to loose all my braincells If I continue to go unconscious like this.”

“Oh goody! You’re awake,” a pleasant grandmotherly voice chimed.

I finally started to realise where I was. I looked around the one room log cabin. A fire roared in the hearth as a cauldron cooked a tasty smelling soup. An elderly mare wearing a wide bonnet sat next to the hearth, smiling at me. I was laying on a pile of hay in the corner.

“What was a sweet one like you doin’ so far out in the snowy wastes?” she asked.

“I was on an adventure of a sorts,” I replied.

I tried to stretch my legs but to my horror they wouldn't move. At first I believed they were too cold and frozen stiff but when I finally looked at them they were tied up in ropes.

“Wait, why am I tied up?”

The mare chuckled pleasantly. “Oh, don’t concern yourself with that, my little scrumptious. Just relax and have something to eat. I have a wide assortment of nice goodies and sweets that you can munch on. Eat up, eat up.”

I stared flatly at her. “There is a book where I come from called ‘Hansel and Gretel’. A witch tries to fatten two kids up and then tries to eat them. This is strangely reminiscent of that.”

“Oh, that’s so silly.” She went back to stirring her soup but I could tell that she was now uneasy. “You young'uns have such an imagination.”

“Why am I tied up then?”

“You toss and turn in your sleep, my dear,” she shot back at me with a quickly hardening tone.

“Right...” I tried to get free of the ropes but they were tied tightly. Far too tightly if all they were intended for was to keep me from tossing in my sleep. “Well, thank you for helping me out of the snow but I’m awake now and would like to continue on my way.”

She smiled at me like a creepy mother smiling at a child. “Oh sweetie, it is night outside and beasts wander the wilds.”

My face scrunched up in contemplation. “Well, can I at least be untied now?”

She shrugged and a faint glow emanated from under her hat and the ropes fell away.

‘Crap, she’s a unicorn, this is going to be harder than I thought.’ I said mentally.

My experiences with unicorns had been mostly negative. Primarily my experiences with an individual named Nova. I didn’t know if I hated him or Valiant more. At least Nova left without any intention of coming back.

This was probably another reason why I was liking the idea of returning to Earth less and less. I was stuck with only one human, excluding Nova, and hating it. I was not excited about returning to a place comprised of billions of them.

I stretched freely now and made my way to a chair where my bag full of supplies hung. She shot a slightly threatening glance at me.

I raised my hoof in a passive defence. “I’m just taking a seat.”

She nodded slowly and went back to cooking. I sat uncomfortably for a long period of time, knowing that any attempt by me to escape would be met by the instantaneous reprisal of magic. Damn unicorns.

So, I decided to fall back on small talk.

“What is someone like you doing out here, living all alone?”

The mare chuckled, “Oh, I’m not alone. I have you and all the others that come visit me.”

“You get visitors?”

She went quiet and looked up at the mantelpiece. That was when I noticed a picture above the fire.

“Not for a while I haven't,” she replied sadly.

“Whose picture is that?”

She magically lifted the photo and handed it to me. A green mare, blue stallion, a small colt and azure filly met my eyes. Each one wore a cape and magician hat.

“This is my daughter, her husband and my granddaughter. They use to visit me as they traveled around Equestria doing their magic acts.” She sighed. “But they haven't visited me in so long.”

“How long ago did they stop visiting you?” I returned the photo to her.

She placed the picture back onto the mantel. “It’s been years. Little Trixie, my granddaughter, is probably all grown up by now. I just don’t know what happened to them. I hope they are alright.”

The name Trixie rang a few bells in my head, perhaps I had heard it mentioned in Ponyville. But now I had an idea for a bargaining chip to use for my escape.

“Since I’m already on an adventure perhaps I can search for them too?”

The mare’s face lit up. “Would you do that? Oh thank you!”

“It’s no problem.”

“I am so happy that I saved you!” The mare filled a bowl full of soup and gave it to me. “But it looks like another storm is rolling in so I don’t think you will be leaving anytime soon.”

I was still stuck there for five more days due to the storm. At least it didn’t feel like she was going to cook me.






I left her house through the chimney due to the snow blocking the doorway. I barely fit because the mare had been feeding me non stop the entire time. Did I believe I would find Trixie? No. But far crazier things had happened. She had packed enough food to last me a week and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for mistrusting such a nice, yet still creepy, mare.

Despite the storm being over, the wind was still too strong for me to fly. I waded through the deep snow that was ear high at its shallowest. It was more like digging a tunnel. I couldn’t see where I was going so I couldn't prepare myself for when I tumbled over a cliff into a deep canyon. I was halfway to the bottom when I finally levelled myself and spread my wings. To my shock the weight of my supplies and food continued to drag me down. My wings became nothing more than parachutes as I tried desperately to slow myself. It was a good thing that there was a large snow drift to break my fall.

My outstretched wings, on the other hand, weren't so lucky. I felt one pop out of place and I pulled a muscle in the other. The long string of swear words that followed would have been enough to summon the devil.

What was summoned was equally terrifying and more fluffy. At first it looked like the wampa from Star Wars was slowly approaching. But as it got closer I quickly realised that it was a massive, white bear. Now you might be thinking, why didn’t I just say polar bear? Well, this thing was white like a polar bear but it looked more like a grizzly bear. If you’ve seen pictures of bears, their anatomy is slightly different.

I might have been in severe pain but my legs were still fine so I jumped up and ran. Back on Earth they say you should never run from a bear. They will always catch you. But I was a quadruped now so I was betting on the hope that I was faster than my old human self. I was faster than a human but to my dismay, still slower than a bear. I looked behind me to see if he was following and my face was met by a hard impact from his paw.

Once again I fell into unconsciousness. The last thought that went through my head was a quick farewell to my remaining brain cells.

Author's Notes:

Sorry I haven't posted anything in a long time. Hopefully that will change.

Next Chapter: Spin Me Right Round Estimated time remaining: 20 Minutes
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