Today's story is a troll fic, but I actually found parts of it pretty funny. ... And that's about all I can really say about it. You can find the original here. I'd recommend giving it a glance if you feel like some off-beat/troll humor.

Enjoy!

Author: Finally... Peace and quiet. No Twilight asking me for favors, no Rarity dressing me up like a ballerina, no Fluttershy beating the crap out of me... You know, perhaps I can finally get started on that MLP/Osmosis Jones crossover. Sentient germs that have radical adventures inside Twilight's esophagus is a great-

Cutie Mark Crusaders: HI AUTHOR!

Author: Gaah!

Apple Bloom: What're you doing?!

Author: (sighs) I guess nothing anymore. What do you three want today? Do you want me to create Cutie Marks for you? Is that it?

Sweetie Belle: No, we-

Author: (types something into computer) Bam, now go away.

Apple Bloom: (gasps) We have cutie marks girls! Mine's a... crowbar?

Scootaloo: I've got a chicken.

Sweetie Belle: I got a rock.

Author: Happy now?

Sweetie Belle: Uh, no offense, Mister Author, but I think we'll go ahead and find our cutie marks ourselves.

Author: (presses backspace) Blasted fillies... Making me do all this typing... So what is it you three are bugging me about?

Apple Bloom: We've decided that we want to try and be...

Cutie Mark Crusaders: CUTIE MARK CRUSADER RIFFERS!

Sweetie Belle: Again!

Scootaloo: We figured we didn't try hard enough last time, so we're back to kick some story butt!

Author: Nice try, but Pinkie has off today. Apparently she and Rainbow are going to go on a pranking spree. Celestia save us all. I made sure to keep a shotgun under my desk, just in case.

Apple Bloom: We already know that. So we got our friend Featherweight to help!

Author: What?

(doors swing shut and lock)

Author: Son of a- (catches himself when he remembers fillies are present) Er, daffodil.

Scootaloo: Hey Featherweight! Is the story ready to go?

Featherweight: (appears on the TV screen, giving a nod)

Sweetie Belle: Oh boy! I can't wait to start!

Author: Er... What's the story? Can I have a little warning?

Apple Bloom: We don't know. Just some random story we found on the internet.

Author: Joy. Featherweight, don't you want to be merciful to a poor, under-appreciated author?

Scootaloo: C'mon author, you aren't under-appreciated.

Author: Are you kidding me?! I never get any appreciation from anybody!

Scootaloo: Like I said, you aren't under-appreciated.

Author: Why you little-!

(buzzer sounds)

All: We've got story sign!

Cutie Mark Crusader What Nows?

Sweetie Belle: Look girls! It's about us!

Author: Why do I have a horrible feeling about this?

Author's Note: So I'm sure some of you are wondering why I just put out a new story, completely out of the blue with TWO UNFINISHED STORIES (rage) already in queue!

Apple Bloom: Oh! We should read those too!

Author: Not on your life.

Well, the last chapter of a story is… something I really don't want to rush.

SO! I decided to release something completely ridiculous and out of character, as a sort of… peace offering to the masses.

Scootaloo: More like something to get the masses to grab pitchforks.

And now, a little back story.

Sweetie Belle: Because the main story isn't enough.

A few months ago before starting "The Rainbow Effect", I took part in a little competition with some of my writing buddies, out of sheer boredom and lack of common sense. The name of the game: Write a pony-riffic piece of literature with a time limit of exactly one hour

Author: That doesn't sound so bad.

The catch? Wait thirty minutes after taking the maximum safe dosage of Nyquil.

Needless to say, I won.

Author: Well. We're fu- (notices the fillies) We're, um, fudged.

At any rate, this story was God-awful, so I took a day to completely revamp it, add in a few scenes, and overall try and improve this glorious train-wreck, without taking too much time out of my regular writing schedule. Thankfully, now the story's just plain awful.

Apple Bloom: At least we're not reading the original.

Author: That's like saying, "Hey, at least I only shot myself once with this gun instead of twice."

Hopefully this doesn't set any preconceptions of my writing style to any new readers. If it does… well, damn.

Disclaimer: I don't own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, this story contains lots of obscene language and absolute nonsense (NOW WITH ADDED PLOT!) Yadda yadda yadda… you know how it goes.

Sweetie Belle: No. I don't.

Scootaloo: What didn't you understand about 'yadda yadda yadda'?

Also, Nyquil wrote this story for me. Thanks, Nyquil.

Author: Fu- Er, fudge you, Nyquil.

Rainbow Dash

The Mane Six

And…

The Cutie Mark Crusaders in…

"Cutie Mark Crusader... What Now's?"

Author: I feel like I'm watching the opening for a thirties short skit.

By: A Very Ashamed Author Named Aquarian Poet

Sweetie Belle: That's a long name!

Peaceful.

The tranquil city of Ponyville lay under a blanket of starlight, motionless and serene.

Apple Bloom: Hey! Quick hogging the covers!

Scootaloo: Hogging? I don't even have half the starlight that you do!

The pale moon shone down from above,

Sweetie Belle: She should try tanning.

Scootaloo: Yeah, spend some time in the sun. ... Oh, right.

casting shadows and a soothing glow across the still setting. A light breeze glided in-between the trees and cottages,

Apple Bloom: It's good to see that hang-glider we bought for breeze's birthday is coming in handy, right girls?

through the flaps of the empty market stalls and swaying the grassy fields.

The town was completely silent, save the crickets thrumming their nocturnal medley in asymmetric harmony,

Author: Can harmony be asymmetric?

and the occasional clucking of a waking chicken

Apple Bloom: You're getting up mighty early, aren't you, Scootaloo?

Scootaloo: Oh, just shut up...

in the far off distance from Sweet Apple Acres.

Peaceful.

…

"AWW, YOU COLT-FUCKING SHITFLANK!"

Author: I knew it was going too well...

A collective groan could be heard from the center of Ponyville, from the houses surrounding the fountain square. Ponies tossed and turned, putting pillows over their heads and balls of cotton in their ears, vainly attempting to drown out the ear-splitting howls of rage and fury.

"COCK-MUNCHING MULE-FUCKER!"

Sweetie Belle: Mr. Author? What does that mean?

Author: Um... Er... Crap...

A fair number of ponies drearily trotted to their windows, and looked up through the darkening sky, towards the source of the noise. A cloud-castle was drifting lazily above, dimly adorned with pools of rainbows and puffy columns. A fine piece of property, many ponies would give their right hoof just to live in such a striking abode.

Scootaloo: Nothing like living in a house that you instantly fall through the floor of.

"SHIT! FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK-FUCK!

Nearly all of them wanted the whole thing to burn. Residents included.

Apple Bloom: Good luck getting a cloud to burn.

"ASS-BALLING CU-"

"RAINBOW DASH, SHUT UP!"

All: Thank you!

Author: The story is speaking for the readers!

The rainbow-maned pony glared ahead, ignoring the southern-accented

Applebloom: Yer being too kind. My sis' accent is southern-soaked.

cry of annoyance from the large cloud couch behind her, where her five best friends sat in silence, watching the display on the large, flat cloud in front of them.

Sweetie Belle: I don't think I'd want cloud furniture. Sounds too... moist.

"Why does she keep yelling like that?" asked a gentle-voiced Fluttershy, after uncovering her sensitive ears.

Scootaloo: "Louder!"

Twilight Sparkle coughed next to her, blushing lightly. "Beat's me.

Apple Bloom: I knew it! She was Beat all along!

All I understood was 'mother' and 'colt'. And 'flank'. Yeah, I… *ahem*… I don't get it."

"Rainbow Dash! You're going to wake the girls if you keep yelling obscenities like that!" an irate Rarity hissed from Fluttershy's other side.

"Good golly, where did she learn those words?" asked Applejack,

Sweetie Belle: It was... YOU!

All: Gasp!

Author: ... Wait, "Good golly"? Really?

shaking her Stetson-clad head

Author: I prefer Serratelli myself.

from beside Rarity, who snorted

Author: Glue.

in agreement and contempt.

"What are we doing again?

Scootaloo: I think the plot wandered off. No pony knows what's going on.

And where's Pinkie Pie? She was supposed to be back a half an hour ago."

Apple Bloom: Hold on a gosh darn second... Quote; "The rainbow-maned pony glared ahead, ignoring the southern-accented cry of annoyance from the large cloud couch behind her, where her five best friends sat in silence". I guess we're calling my sister and her friends 'the mane seven' now.

Twilight asked, yawning and looking out of a cloudy window, the front of the property devoid of any hot air balloons.

Sweetie Belle: The 'front of the property'? You mean the SKY?

Rainbow Dash spoke up from the floor in front, pounding her hooves on a large, plastic contraption, pock-marked with buttons and levers.

"I told you, I'm showing you guys my new XBuck! Pretty slick, huh?"

Author: Watch out for the red horshoe of death.

"I don't think any of us understand what that is, Rainbow." Twilight responded, eyes half-open in apathy.

Author: Wow, Twilight just does NOT give a crap in this story, does she?

"Ugh, it's one o' them high-class waste-your-time-an'-waste-a-dime contraptions my brother got last year. Sold a hay'uva lotta apples from last year's bumper crop and bought the darn thing." Applejack interjected, huffing.

Apple Bloom: And puffing.

Scootaloo: And blows your cloud house down!

Sweetie Belle: Woosh!

"Yeah, Big Macintosh gave me a beta code for Modern Warmare 3, it's pretty sweet."

Author: I prefer Maredal of Honor.

"…I still don't get it. It's a game?"

"Yeah, you run around, and try to kill as many ponies as you can, without getting killed yourself."

Fluttershy frowned, lowering her head slightly. "That sounds aw

Scootaloo: "-esome."

ful."

Rainbow Dash groaned. "They're not real ponies. Just programs

Author: That's what they said about Skynet and cyborgs. AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!

that- YEAH, HEADSHOT! C'mere, lemme show you my VIC-TO-RY DANCE! UH! YEAH! TAKE IT!

Author: Great, she's one of THOSE players...

The four ponies stared at the screen while the pixilated, rainbow-maned avatar began a series of… questionable movements over the dead soldier-stallion's body.

Sweetie Belle: Author, what kind of movements are they talking about?

Author: Er, um... Look, a distraction! (flees)

"That pony... looks just like my brother." Applejack stated, eye twitching as she stared forward in disbelief. "What the hell kinda game is this?"

Author: One of the most popular ones around, apparently.

"Is t-that… what you're supposed to do after you… k-kill them?" Twilight stammered, pointing at the screen in revulsion.

Apple Bloom: I'm sure Twilight's seen much worse for the sake of science.

"Nope, just for fun. Makes the other pony mad."

Fluttershy sat there, watching the screen with nary a facial movement.

"I still don't get it."

All: TALKING IS A FACIAL MOVEMENT!

Rarity snickered from beside her.

Author: From the sound of her "Snickers", I bet she has "Good Humor"!

CMC: ... What?

Author: Cause both are chocolate... And they... Never mind.

"Alright, time to get dirty. Lessee… Sleight of Hoof, no wait! One Pony Army… yeah, that'll teach him! Okay then, down the tunnel, load the tube…"

*click…*

Rainbow Dash's eyes widened. "Oh fu-"

*BOOM!*

"-CKING FILLY-SPANKING CU-"

Scootaloo: I think I need to grab a dictionary. I don't understand half of these words.

Author: NO! DON'T- I mean, these words are just, uh, alternative ways to... classify pie. Yes.

Sweetie Pie: Oh! I've never seen any in Sugarcube Corner!

Author: That's because all of these are, uh, special order only.

Apple Bloom: Oh, okay. Next time I visit Pinkie Pie, I'll need to ask for a fucking pie!

Author: (face-palms) I've got to hand it to myself, I'm great at making things worse...

"RAINBOW DASH!"

"Suck me OFF, APPLEJACK! GODDESSES, I SWEAR THIS HOOFJOB KEEPS ON SETTING… wait a second."

Sweetie Belle: I'll need to ask Mr. Cake if he can give me a hoofjob sometime. It sounds delicious!

Author: Sweet Celestia, what have I done?!

Rainbow Dash paused, sitting up and staring at the screen. After a moment, she turned back toward the orange pony who she was addressing, coughing into a hoof.

"That 'hoofjob' was your brother."

Apple Bloom: My brother's a pie?

Scootaloo: Hey, maybe that makes you a pie too, Apple Bloom! Could you imagine your brother eating you out- Hold on a sec... (sneezes) Eating you out of a pie pan?

Sweetie Belle: (sees Author banging his head against a wall) Are you okay, Author?

Author: Perfectly (thud) fine. (thud) Carry (thud) on. (thud)

"…say what now?" Applejack asked, lowering an ear and tilting her head in confusion.

"Yeah, look at the name. 'BigMacHeartAttack'."

Author: Sounds like a name you'd use for some MMO version of the game 'Trauma Center'.

Twilight snickered into her hoof.

"…well ain't that somethin'."

*Bleep Bloop!*

Apple Bloom: What was that, girl?

Scootaloo: Bleep bloop!

Apple Bloom: Little Pip is stuck in a well?!

Scootaloo: Beepity boop!

Apple Bloom: Take us to him!

"Oh, he just sent me a message. Here, lemme play it." the rainbow pony grumbled, unplugging her headset and pressing a button on the controller, prompting a deep voice to emerge from the large, puffy speaker system.

"…Eeeeeeeyup."

…

"Oh you COCKY SON OF A B-"

"RAINBOW DASH!"

"Applejack, GO STICK AN APPLE UP YOUR…"

Scootaloo: What was she going to say?

Author: ... Ass. She was going to say ass.

Apple Bloom: Isn't that some kind of hat?

Author: (continues banging head against wall)

"Hey, what's goin' on down here?"

…

All five ponies slowly turned their respective heads

Sweetie Belle: Instead of their non-respective heads.

towards the gentle voice. From the doorway, three small fillies cutely rubbed their eyes. Rarity sighed, the distraught fashionista shaking her purple mane in distress.

Sweetie Belle: Rarity always told me that when you need help, just shake your mane.

"Sweetie Bell, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo… you should all be in bed."

Apple Bloom: Hey! It's us!

Scootaloo: I hope I don't get ground into a rainbow like last story!

"We was." Replied Apple Bloom, sniffing. "Rainbow Dash's yellin' woke us up."

"Yeah, tell her to keep it down, sis." Sweetie Bell piped up, wearily clutching a blanket.

Author: ... Clutched it with what?

Scootaloo: What do you mean?

Author: Sorry, I forgot this is a world where "opposable thumbs" isn't an actual phrase.

Scootaloo stared at the flickering display.

"What are you guys doi-"

*PIT PIT!*

Author: Icarus! Icarus!

"GODDESS-CLOPPING COCK-SUCKER!"

"Rainbow!" Applejack cried, horrified. "The children are right there for Celestia's sake!"

Scootaloo: Come on! We aren't babies! We can talk about pie just as well as the adults can!

Apple Bloom: Actually, speaking of pie, I could go for some of that- what did they call it? Cock?

Sweetie Belle: I bet I could swallow it in one gulp!

Scootaloo: Yeah! I bet- Author, what's that?

Author: Oh, this? (holds up bottle) This is brainbleach. I figure if I chug the whole thing I may forget everything we've been talking about so far.

"Cock… sucker? What's a cock? Is it like… one o' them cock-a-thingies we saw in the forest?" Apple Bloom asked, the other two staring alongside her in confusion. Twilight spit out her drink, blushing outrageously red. As Applejack and Rarity attempted to stammer out an incoherent explanation,

Author: What explanation are they going to use, that it's types of pies? Idiots... Oh. Right.

Rainbow Dash turned to face them, grinning.

Author: ... I should've seen this coming.

"Oh, it's this cool little horn thing that grows between a stallion's legs." She replied nonchalantly. Applejack and Rarity started choking, gawking at the pegasus pony in mute horror.

Sweetie Belle: This story is so dumb! It got the definition of cock wrong!

Apple Bloom: Yeah! A horn? It's a pie, silly!

Author: ...

"Whoa, that sounds kinda cool." Scootaloo stated, drowsily. "What does it do?"

"Well, not much. But sucking on one's a great way to get your cutie mark!" Rainbow Dash chuckled, the three girls perking up at the last two words.

Author: ... Rainbow Dash is an ass- I mean, Rainbow Dash is a jerk.

"CUTIE MARK?" the three cried in unison.

"RAINBOW!" the two older sisters shouted. But the three ponies in the doorway paid them no attention.

Apple Bloom: We'll pay em' later.

"Sweetie Bell, Scootaloo…" Apple Bloom started, looking sideways at her fellow blank-flanked comrades, who were sporting matching grins.

"We gotta go find ourselves a COCK!" Apple Bloom shouted triumphantly, raising a hoof into the air. All three of them took a deep breath, and before either of the elder sisters could say anything…

Author: THE STORY ENDED! PLEASE! I BEG YOU! BE MERCIFUL, WRITER!

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER COCKSUCKERS! YAY!" they shouted, running down the hallway, and out the front door.

Scootaloo: ... Isn't it the middle of the night?

"APPLE BLOOM!"

"SWEETIE BELL!"

Scootaloo: ... C'mon, no love for Scootaloo?

Rainbow Dash had fallen on the floor in tears, howling with mirth as the orange and white ponies rushed after the excitable fillies. After a moment of awkward silence, Twilight leaned down towards Rainbow Dash, her face glowing a bright shade of red.

"You realize that they're going to murder you when you get back, don't you?"

Author: Violently, I should note.

Sweetie Belle: Hey girls, is it possible to use a straw to eat pie?

Apple Bloom: You mean is it possible to suck cock?

Author: ... I think I may kill Rainbow Dash as well, actually.

"Probably. But it's true, don'tcha know. How do you think Vinyl Scratch got her cutie mark?

Scootaloo: ... Because she's good at music?

She sucked some guy off so well, the sap started singing!

Author: ... Sure, why the hell not?

Heck, she introduced me to the guy, and he wouldn't even look me in the eye! I mean, can you believe…"

"PINKIE PIE, STOP THEM! THEY'RE TAKING THE BALLOON!"

"APPLE BLOOM, GET BACK HERE!"

"QUICK! BREAK OFF A PIECE OF THAT CLOUD! I'LL GO FIND A FAN!

"HURRY!"

All: ...

Scootaloo: I don't know about the rest of you, but I think I'm just going to enjoy watching this all fall apart.

Fluttershy sat quietly on the couch, completely unsure of what to make of the situation.

On cue, an obtrusively pink pony walked into the room, a half-masticated, meaty object hanging from her mouth.

Apple Bloom: What-?

Author: Avert your eyes, little ones!

The three ponies left looked at her.

She looked back at them.

"What is…where did you-"

Sweetie Belle: "The supermarket."

"Nothing."

The three ponies continued to stare at her.

Pinkie Pie started chewing.

The three ponies looked away.

She dropped the penis on the floor.

Apple Bloom: What? The pe-

Author: MY, WHAT NICE WEATHER WE'RE HAVING.

Shook her pink ass like a whore,

Open the door, get on the floor,

Everybody walk the dinosaur.

FIN.

Author: Did I lose my sanity? I'm pretty sure this is what insanity feels like.

Apple Bloom: Agreed.

Sweetie Belle: Yeah.

Scootaloo: I've gone crazy too.

Author: ... Well, you know what they say. If you can't beat them, (puts on shades) join them.

(All four starting dancing. Feel free to join in.)

I really, sincerely hope you enjoyed this fine work of art. God knows I did.

Not really.

Author: At least the writer's on the same page as us.

All levity aside, I've got "The Rainbow Effect" about 1/2 of th-

Sweetie Belle: Wait, we have to sit through Author Notes?

Scootaloo: Not happening.

Author: What a nightmare...

Sweetie Belle: What are you talking about? That story was really educational!

Scootaloo: I learned all sorts of things!

Apple Bloom: Yeah! Maybe if we all become chefs, we can become the...

Cutie Mark Crusaders: CUTIE MARK CRUSADER MOTHER FUCKERS!

Author: Sure, alright.

Sweetie Belle: I'll need to tell Rarity all the things you taught me, author!

Author: What?! NO! Never tell anybody about this!

Apple Bloom: We want to make sure you get all the credit you deserve, author!

Author: Never! Featherweight, whatever you do, don't press the-

(Featherweight presses the button)

Author: Dammit!

(TV turns off with a blip) Next Chapter: Just Scootin Estimated time remaining: 4 Minutes