Twilight: Wow, it feels like forever since we riffed the last chapter.
Rarity: Let's give a recap, shall we?
Pinkie Pie: Okey-dokey-lokey! So Twilight was all like, "OH MY GOSH I'M AN ALICORN!" And then she fainted! Then Celestia's all like, "OH MY GOSH YOU'RE AN ALICORN!" And then she fainted! And then Luna's all like, "OH MY GOSH YOU'RE AN ALICORN!" And she threw Twilight through a WALL! Then Celestia's all like, "blah, blah, blah, bad stuff, blah", and then she threw Twilight through a wall!
Twilight: I don't think that's quite how it-
Pinkie Pie: And then Twilight's like, "Grr, I'm an alicorn so I've gone crazy!" And now we're here!
Rarity, Author, and Twilight: ...
Author: Yeah, so basically Twilight's on an OOC rampage. I don't really expect things to improve anytime soon.
Twilight: Also, don't forget that this story invented a new verb: magic. As in, "she magicked the door open".
Rarity: I'm sure it's going to appear in the next Equestrian dictionary...
(Buzzer sounds)
All: We've got story sign!

---

Not My Destiny

Rarity: The more you deny it, the more we believe it.

by Smayds

Author: Brand tartar sauce.

Chapter 7 - Misfires

Twilight: I'll bet this chapter misfires...

A downcast Twilight Sparkle appeared in Celestia's cozy tower-top room with a small pop and a flash of light. "It happened again."

Pinkie Pie: "Not again! At least tell me it wasn't a cat this time!"

Celestia looked up from the enormous book, now on a specially-made stand, and gave Twilight a knowing smile. "Who was it today?"

Author: Smayds.

"Rainbow Dash. I nearly killed her. I mean, I nearly killed her on purpose." Twilight shook her head glumly as she trotted to stand beside her once-ruler, now-equal.

Author: Great, is this going to turn into one of those buddy-comedy stories?

"Anything in there about that? I was going to fly into her and stab her with my horn."

Pinkie Pie: It's under "H" for horn!

"You didn't do her any harm. No, I don't recall any horn-impalings. But then, you're not really in this book any more, Twilight. Well, apart from page one."

Rarity: Coincidentally it's the most boring page.
Pinkie pie: The next page on confectionery recipes is much better!

A sheaf of notes appeared on the stand next to the book, magicked from the library bedroom's writing desk. Twilight started to riffle through them. "What does this mean? I found it this morning and I didn't know what to make of it.

Author: "Oh, this? Well, you could make a hat, or a broach, or a pterodactyl..."

And I wasn't going to interrupt your court session," Twilight added, forestalling Celestia's protest. "It could wait until now. I had to leave anyway. Flying lesson."

"Oh, yes! How did it go?"

Twilight: "Well, we're now at war with the dragons, but otherwise pretty well."

"Well, I've got one more little bit of motivation to get everypony safely through this now. Flying is amazing," Twilight smiled up at Celestia, "and it pushes just about everything else out of my head. It almost feels like... as if it's just the old me alone in here."

Rarity: Considering that the old you couldn't fly, I'd be a bit concerned with your flight performance.

Celestia nodded gravely.

Author: With her "headstone"!
All: ...
Author: Sorry, I'm just "winging" it with these jokes! (Rarity starts to cry after realizing she needs to spend a whole story with author.)

"I can't get The Lunacy out of you, Twilight. That is something only you can accomplish. It's not controlling you, like it did Luna. It's waiting for you to control it. To embrace it. It will whisper to you.

Pinkie Pie: "Try not to pay attention when it talks about the healthy applications of fire!"

Remember, your thoughts are not all your own. But your will belongs only to you."

Twilight: "But you should still try to keep it in a bank for safe keeping."

Twilight nodded. "I was hoping for a little more time, I guess. I mean, I'm still me." Twilight sighed softly.

All: "SIIIIIIIIIGGGGHHHH."

"But I've thought about killing two of my friends now. Applejack was pretty mad at me, saying I'd taken all the fun out of applebucking by clearing a whole orchard at once,

Rarity: Oh. Yes. Tell the real Applejack that you have an extremely efficient and time saving way to produce profits for her family, while also avoiding injuries like that one time with Big Macintosh. I'm sure she'll be so thankful that you aren't going to take the "fun" out of it.

but... Grabbing her with my telekinesis... I did get her laughing. Saying that I was playing around and now we get to spend more time together without work in the way. And we did have a lot of fun that afternoon. I don't really think I would have thrown her through the barn."

Author: "Really?"
Pinkie Pie: "... Okay, Celestia, you got me! I threw her through the barn!"
Author: "And?"
Pinkie Pie: "Turned her inside out."
Author: "And?"
Pinkie Pie: "Made her listen to the vuvuzela."

Twilight's eyes shifted focus. "But I wanted to," she finished softly. Her head drooped.

After a moment, she was able to speak again. "It's more than just those two. I've thought about killing all of my friends.

Author: Who hasn't? Am I right?

I just had the opportunity with AJ and Dash." A pause, then Twilight continued, almost whistfully. "The spa's going to be a lot of fun tomorrow. Maybe I'll drown Fluttershy and Rarity.

Twilight: Try the two spa ponies. See if they can actually talk.

Or strangle them with their towels. Or I could get them to strangle each other. That'd be entertaini-"

Twilight started in shock and disgust.

Rarity: She just recalled a dirty joke.
Author: You mean "The Aristocrats"?

How can I even THINK stuff like that?!

Twilight: Please, don't get me started on the functions of the brain. We'll be here all day.
Author: Here. Isn't this story so thought provoking?

She sat down on her haunches and looked at the ancient stone floor.

A gentle hoof on her shoulder. An enveloping wing.

Twilight: An oddly worded description.

"We will find a way through this, Twilight. We are trying everything we can. Luna and myself will never give up, if it means saving our beloved Equestria."

Pinkie Pie: "And baker Joe's donuts. But MOSTLY Equestria!"

"She can't even stay in the same room as me anymore," Twilight said sadly, looking at the carved patterns on the stones.

Author: Not even etchings of Epic Sax Guy could get her to smile.

"Can you blame her for that?

All: Yes.

It is not your fault that The Lunacy is inside you, waiting to be called forth willingly. My Little Sister

RatherHomely: Can be found un-riffed here. Enjoy!

has no problem with you at all. But to ask her to face the thing we now see hiding behind your eyes..." Celestia's wing was quite steady against Twilight's side, but the tiniest quaver was creeping into her voice.

Pinkie Pie: Hear that? It's the sound of the Mary Sue disease infecting her blood!

"I believe such a thing will forever remain beyond her ability. The monster that held her under its unbreakable control for a thousand years is now sitting politely and obediently in your mind, tame as a kitten, waiting to be let out on a leash. She looks at you and she sees The Night Mare waiting to be reborn."

Rarity: "So we've decided to banish you to the moon."
Author: Conflict resolved! The end!

The two alicorns sat in silence for a few minutes. Celestia stirred. "You had something you wanted to ask me?"

Pinkie Pie: If Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Twilight jerked her head upright. "Oh! Yes. I found this," she said, magicking a piece of paper into Celestia's telekinetic grip, making sure not to pull or tug on her fellow alicorn's magic.

Author: That sentence makes no sense. I could understand if she magicked the paper into Celestia's hoof, but into her telekinetic grip?

They've only just got the wall repainted.

Celestia held the paper up and read the notes Twilight had been making. "'The Master of Magic will abandon her friends when chaos drives a spike between them.' You are worried about this passage?"

Twilight: "It's been stalking me... I'm scared."

"I'm not sure. I thought it might be talking about Discord."

Celestia's regal face assumed a thoughtful look. "It could well be. Discord isn't mentioned in here, you know."

"Huh?" Twilight was astonished. "I thought this records everything Starshine saw of the future?"

Twilight: What, did you think she had time to write down EVERYTHING?
Rarity: I went to the bathroom an hour ago. Are you surprised sh didn't write that down?

There really was everything in this book. Everything from the end of the world

Author: Mass cow explosions. Nobody saw it coming.

right down to innumerable anonymous colts and fillies that had banged their knees.

Rarity: Oh, I... Guess me going to the bathroom is in there.

It was maddening as hell, because nothing was in any sort of order, chronological or otherwise. There were no given names, just ones that would appear to seem symbolic after the fact.

Author: This book is stupid... Did she really right down EVERYTHING? REALLY?

The occasional nugget of actual interesting and helpful information was buried in amongst thousands upon thousands of lines like "The one whose father's father built the first of six houses on this spot will break his leg when tripping down the stairs." MADDENING. You couldn't figure out who most of these ponies ever were or ever would be.

Pinkie Pie: Actually, I think that last line was Butter Roll. He lives across the street.

And, what was worse, of the occasional line that seemed promising, such as "The longest night of the shortest winter shall set the stars in motion to reveal the path of true peace", there were no dates, almost no way of knowing what events were being referred to, and absolutely no way to know how important the cryptic passage might be, compared to those around it.

How are you supposed to know what's important, and what's not?

Twilight: Well, I suppose we don't want it to be too easy.

Well, I suppose the single most important thing in here DOES have the whole first page all to itself...

"Mother saw everything, that is true. But there is no explicit mention of Discord in this book. Neither is there a mention of the Elements of Harmony."

Twilight shook her head. "Do they have some sort of, I don't know. Some sort of, uh, other name? Um, allegorical?"

Celestia smiled a very sad smile. "I don't know why neither the Elements of Harmony, nor the Spirit of Disharmony, are in here.

Pinkie Pie: "You'd think that since this book contains everything, they'd be in here."

I know everything this book has to offer. I've even guessed correctly about some particularly bad scrapes and bruises. Those cuts and bruises didn't happen. And I don't think the end of the world will, either."

Author: So... The book is useless?
Rarity: Seems that way.
Author: And Smayds is just trying to give a reason why all the characters are edgy?
Pinkie Pie: Oh! He should try flickering the lights!

Twilight strongly disagreed. A week ago, she would have accepted Celestia's words without question. Now, however, she could question all she wanted.

But she didn't. There was too much to do.

Twilight: And those things will never actually be mentioned.
Rarity: Like playing with Applejack. That is just so time consuming.

Celestia and Twilight resumed their examination of every word in the enormous volume. Somewhere in here, there might be a clue, something that Celestia may have taken out of context. They were up to page nine hundred and forty one. There were more than seventy thousand pages. Each page was almost as big as a door, and the ancient characters were the size of ants.

Rarity: Indeed. Because such a book is incredibly possible to make, similar to how I'm a fire breathing dragon.

Twilight was extremely glad that sleep was optional for alicorns.

Author: It's part of the bonus package at the dealership.
________________________________________

Twilight pulled her eyes away from page one thousand, six hundred and twenty three, and saw Celestia at the chamber's large east-facing window out of the corner of her eye.

Pinkie Pie: Hey, stop slacking!

She tore her concentration from the book, and watched in wonder.

Author: "How did is she solving that Rubix Cube so quickly?!"

Celestia's horn was glowing faintly. Then, the glow spread and enclosed her entire regal body. She held a perfect pose, front hoof raised, head high, eyes closed. As Twilight watched, she saw the stars begin to fade from the sky, and a faint rim of blue begin to spread across the entire eastern horizon.

It must be morning. Luna just put the stars to bed.

Twilight: After reading them a bed-time story, of course.
Author: "Where the Brighter things Are", by Starice Sendak,

And now Celestia is raising the sun... How... how beautiful.

Twilight: It almost makes me want to not murder everything in sight. Almost.

Celestia remained as still as a statue for nearly two minutes. Then she stepped back a pace, rested on her haunches, breathed deeply, and opened her eyes, gazing at the brightening blue line of the horizon.

She turned back to the book-stand, and opened her eyes wider when she saw Twilight looking at her in fascination.

"Raising the sun?"

Pinkie Pie: "Of course not! Whatever gave you that idea?!"

"More than that, Twilight. It takes a short while to cast the spell that moves it across the sky for an entire day."

"It was beautiful."

Celestia actually blushed.

Author: Clop-fic off the port bow!

"Thank you, Twilight. As long as just a single pony appreciates my effort every day, I am happy. You must try it."

Rarity: The way she says that... It's like she's asking Twilight to try some kind of food.
Pinkie Pie: "Twilight, you simply MUST try some of this sun cake! It is to DIE for!
Twilight: "I don't know, I'm trying to watch my magic intake..."
Pinkie Pie: "Don't be silly, you look great! You deserve to splurge a little bit!"
Twilight: "Well... Maybe just this once..."

"Really?!" Twilight couldn't believe this. Sure, she'd moved the sun once... But to cast the spell that shepherded it across the sky for a whole day... "I'd be honoured!"
Celestia smiled. "Then you can do it tomorrow."
Twilight's jaw would have hurt last week. Now she just felt the joints stretching. Then, her brain clunked back into gear.

Author: Don't forget to turn the parking break off.

It's morning. We've been working all night. And I'm not even remotely tired. I'll try and catch a nap later on, though. Not sleeping is too... weird.

Pinkie Pie: Twilight never slept even when she wasn't an alicorn!
Twilight: Hey! I get sleep! Granted, I usually read books until four in the morning...

"Hey, I'd better be getting back to the library. I hope Spike's alright. For a baby dragon, he seems pretty good at taking care of himself." An extremely sheepish grin. "He takes pretty good care of me, too." Celestia giggled.

Author: I guess she caught the innuendo. (Twilight glares at author.) What? You ever read Corporal Punishment? What else am I supposed to think?

"I'll be back. I'm going to the spa today. I really want to see Rarity and Fluttershy. I haven't seen them in days."

Author: You could say that she's "dying" to meet them! (Silence.) No? Well, Rarity and Fluttershy have been making a real "killing" while Twilight's been gone! (More silence, followed by an awkward cough.) Okay, how about-
Rarity: Alright, moving on now.
Pinkie Pie: I can't "stomach" these-
Author, Rarity and Twilight: NO.

"I'll be waiting. We'll figure this out, Twilight."

"See you soon, Celestia."

Both alicorns were smiling at each other as the smaller of the two disappeared in a flash of deep red light.

Twilight: Changing the color of my teleport... That's the deepest character development I've seen all story.

_______________________________________

Twilight broke her hug with Fluttershy and smiled.

Rarity: "Oh, sorry... I'll clean that up later."

The buttercup-yellow pegasus smiled back, despite a flicker of fear in her eyes.

No, no, no! My friends are not going to be afraid of me!

Author: "You're... Going... To LOVE ME!"

Even though I think about killing them...

NO!

Twilight: "I FORGOT TO TURN OFF THE OVEN!"

"Hey, Fluttershy, are you okay? You look nervous. It's not me, is it?"

Fluttershy's entire face was now hidden behind her light-pink hair. "Oh, no," she began, in barely more than a whisper. "It's not you at all. I'm just...

Pinkie Pie: "Suffering from... Laryngitis..."

Rarity..."

Twilight got it. Absolutely nothing in her expression changed.

Fluttershy wants Rarity here as a safety margin. She's afraid to be alone with me.

Author: Please... Stop. Analyzing. EVERYTHING. I'm growing paranoid just reading this!

"...Rarity had a big order come in, and she had to cancel. I'm sorry, Twilight," Fluttershy whispered. "I really wanted to spend this morning with you both." She was practically shaking.

Rarity: This is getting a bit silly. I'm starting to think that Fluttershy isn't nervous, but instead should go to the hospital for whatever disease she's come down with.

"Hey! That's a real shame! Don't worry about it! I'm sure we'll have a great time! C'mon, let's go get pampered!" Twilight was all smiles as she magically wrenched open the door

All: Whoa!
Twilight: Take it easy with that poor door!

to the Ponyville Spa. "After you! Gotta work out that stress!"

Fluttershy walked inside, her hooves practically buzzing against the doorsill in her fear.

Pinkie Pie: "Buzzing"?
Twilight: That doorsill must be particularly scary if t's making her "buzz".

Twilight spotted one of the attendants. "Hi! I'm Twilight Sparkle. I'm an alicorn." She extended her wings. "My friend and I have an appointment. Gotta make a really important point, okay? No horn filing. Alicorn horn, see? The little sparkly things give it away. Don't touch it. It'll blow your bucking face off."

Rarity: I can just imagine the spa ponies giving a sigh and saying, "Not ANOTHER one."
_______________________________________

Twilight sank slowly into the boiling-hot spabath.

Author: Nothing like boiled alicorn to finish off a meal... (Disgusted looks from the others.) What? What did I say?

She felt her fury at Fluttershy melting away with every extra inch of luxuriously-scented water that enveloped her. Her pegasus friend was still at the sinks, washing off the remnants of her facemask.

Author: I don't care what anyone says, those face masks are far scarier than anything Twilight's planning to do.

I'll tell her that she's got nothing to fear. That it's just me, her friend Twilight Sparkle. What, she doesn't think I'm going to bite her face off, does she?

Rarity: I hate to break this to you...

Yeah. Yeah, I could do that. Eat her face. That won't kill her. I can kill her later. Make her suffer first.

Pinkie Pie: Somepony better contact Twilight's mom. Her daughter's acting OOC again!

Twilight didn't reprimand herself for this thought.

"Um, Tw-wi... Twilight?" Fluttershy squeaked.

Twilight: Somewhere Iron Will is shaking his head in shame.

Twilight opened her eyes, stared at the shrinking violet with palpable, smoldering hatred, and smiled her friendliest smile.

"Hey, are you getting in? This water isn't gonna stay this hot forever, ya know! It's great!"

Rarity: Actually, spas are meant sort of supposed to keep the waters hot. It's a spa.

"Um, T... Twi... Twilight, I, um, I have to, um, I, uh..."

Author: "Need to, uh, attend my, uh, stammering help group, uh..."

Twilight harumphed. "I'm not going to hurt you, Fluttershy. If you don't want to be around me, that's fine." She sank lower into the glorious bath. The water was lapping her neck.

Pinkie Pie: Ha! The water's like an adorable puppy!

"Oh! Oh. I'm..." The shy little pegasus coughed the tiniest cough.

Twilight: Oh really? Because I have in my records that Honeydew held the record for tiniest cough back in 63'.

When she looked back at Twilight, her eyes were sparkling with tears. "I'm so sorry, Twilight. I really am. I... I don't know what's gotten into me. I know you're just, um, you, you know, but I... I feel..." She let out a squeak.

"You're

Rarity: "In love with me."
Pinkie Pie: "How did you know?!"

scared of me."

Fluttershy didn't answer.

"Oh, fine. Look, just get outta here. I know all my friends think I'm a freak who's just gonna murder them the first chance I get. Who knows, maybe I will.

Twilight: That's comforting. Way to go, me!

Go on, go see your animals or something." Twilight dunked her head under the water.

Author: No, Twilight! Drowning yourself isn't the answer!

She was too angry to remember to choke off her magic.

The bathwater lapped at the base of her horn.

Author: How many licks does it take to get to the magical center of an alicorn horn?

All of the water in the oversized tub exploded into superheated steam. The windows blew out. The doors were ripped to splinters. The wall into the main spa disintegrated. Ceiling beams fell. The lights went out.

Rarity: She does realize she's going to need to pay for this damage?
Twilight: Do you think the spa ponies are insured against alicorn freakouts?

Twilight leaped from the now-empty tub and squinted through the mist. She hadn't been so much as nudged by the explosion. The fractured tile of the tub crumbled behind her as she bolted to one of the smaller holes in the walls.

Fluttershy was lying in a changing room, up against a badly-dented locker. Her perfect yellow hide was covered with angry red blotches.

Author: Doesn't that mean her hide isn't perfect?

One of her wings was twisted at an unnatural angle. Her other wing was nowhere to be seen.

Pinkie Pie: Oh boy, hide and go seek!

Twilight stared, thunderstruck.

Twilight: "Ow."

Coughing, swearing ponies were moving through the thick mist towards her friend.

I did that.

I'll never do it again.

All: (Raise a speculative eyebrow.) Riiiiiiiiight.

Twilight Sparkle closed her eyes. Her horn ignited, the deep red aura extending and expanding.

I'll never hurt another pony again.

All: Suuuuuuuure.

She pictured her destination.

Author: Narnia.

Not ever.
She gritted her teeth.

Twilight: You shouldn't do that. It's not good for your teeth.

There was an enormous, violent explosion of light.

She opened her eyes. Her last breath whooshed out of her lungs.

She sat back onto the snow-like ground and looked up at the world. Everypony she loved was there.

Author: I don't know... Self-banishing yourself to the moon just isn't the same.

And I can't hurt them from here.

Oh, Fluttershy, I hope you're alright. They can regrow your wing. They can fix your burns.

Author: "We have the technology."

But I can never look you in the eye again.

Her tears had frozen solid in the vacuum before they fell softly, like snow, to the fine, powdery surface.

All: ...
Rarity: So, anyone, want to take the time to describe all that was logically flawed with that sentence?
Twilight: What, besides the fact the tear should have frozen to her face and also wouldn't have the same descent snow would?

When Luna raised her crescent moon that evening, the dark image of a crying winged unicorn was plain for all to see.

Author: And- Surprise!- Nopony cared. Bah, I need a break... All in favor, yay or nay?
Pinkie Pie: Well, which one means yes?
Author: (Groans.) Yay.
Pinkie pie: Yay!

---

Twilight: You know, there's something that's been bugging me.
Rarity: The story?
Pinkie Pie: Bugs? (Everyone gives Pinkie a look.) What?
Twilight: It's this whole issue with Fluttershy. I know she's not the most... courageous of ponies, but is this how she'd really act?
Author: Well, you ARE kind of going crazy.
Twilight: But it's all in "my" head so far. Till the scene in the spa, there was no reason for Fluttershy to freak.
Pinkie Pie: (Laughs.) Oh, Twilight! You're so silly! Smayds is the best writer in existence! There's no way he'd steer us wrong!
Twilight: But what about how Fluttershy, and the rest of my friends for that matter, swore to stick by my side no matter what in the first few chapters?
Pinkie Pie: I don't remember that!
Twilight: Well, what about when Fluttershy stood up to that dragon just so she could protect her friends?
Pinkie Pie: Doesn't ring a bell!
Twilight: (Sighs.) Well, let's just imagine she DID do those things. Wouldn't Fluttershy, despite her fears, still stand up for me even if she was scared?
Author: Um, Twilight? I don't think you're going to get through to Pinkie anytime soon.
Twilight: But this story is degrading to her character!
Pinkie Pie: Alright Twilight. I will admit it. You're-
(Buzzer sounds.)
Pinkie Pie: Oh! No time! We've got story sign!
Twilight: Damn it...

---

Not My Destiny

Pinkie Pie: If you don't want it, don't give it to me!

by Smayds

Author: Brand bear claws.

Chapter 8 - Changes

Twilight: Need to be made if this story is to be taken seriously.

Another scroll appeared in a silent pop of light,

Rarity: Considering light doesn't make sound, this isn't exactly notable...

falling slowly onto the sizable pile to her left. She ignored it. They were getting more insistent, arriving several times an hour now. She wondered if she could cast some spell to stop them getting here at all.

Author: Yeah, it's called "Get rid of your damn dragon".

She sighed, frozen tears cascading down her cheeks.

Author: Nevermind, she's still on the moon. I guess Princess Celestia doesn't actually need to use Spike as a mailbox after all.

Sighing is so damned unsatisfying with no air. Nothing to blow out through your nostrils.

Twilight: The truest thing that's been said all story.

She went back to gazing sadly up at the world, wondering how long she could stay here before giving in. She'd lasted two weeks. She didn't think she could stay another second.

Rarity: Try some solitaire. That passes the time fairly well.

They've got to die. All five of them. It's too risky. They stopped me once, they can stop me again.

Author: "Those Oompa Loompas are too much of a threat!"

She agreed with herself.

Rarity: How modest.

And then I can kill everything else. But them first. Too much of a risk to start, if they're alive.

She couldn't even remember why she was crying about Fluttershy.

Author: Twilight, the horned goldfish. Memory span of three seconds? You got it!
________________________________________

"Why don't ya' just go an' GET HER?" Applejack asked, exasperated. Then, she remembered who she was talking to. "Uh, sorry, Princess. Ah just miss ma friend, is all."

Pinkie Pie: "No offense taken. I think you can come up with a more proper apology ON THE MOON!"
Author: "BEEEEYETCH!"

"I miss her too, Applejack. But I can't go and get her. I can't go to the moon." Celestia shook her head sadly.

All: ... WHY NOT?!
Twilight: Okay, eveypony just relax. I'm sure there's going to be an explanation.
Author: Better be a damn good one...

The meeting was taking place in the Ponyville library, as per Celestia's suggestion. It was far more convenient for the two alicorns to travel to the village than it was for the five mortal ponies, and one relatively-mortal dragon, to travel to Canterlot.

Rarity: If ONLY the Princesses had the ability to teleport other ponies! Oh wait, they do.

"Buh-but you sent Princess Luna there!" Rarity objected, with a nervous glance at the younger alicorn, who was busying herself with pacing around and looking annoyed.

Pinkie Pie: The princesses are really busy alicorns!

"A thousand years ago! And you can raise the sun! And Princess Luna can move the moon and stars! That's more magic than you could possibly need to just go and get her!"

"I used the Elements of Harmony to imprison my sister within the moon." Celestia bowed her head slightly. "And my sister had vast, unimaginable powers available to her when the prison broke, so coming back from the moon was trivial. But remember the special circumstances surrounding each of these events. Twilight Sparkle has powers that dwarf our own, even combined. She has simply taken herself out of our direct reach. Neither Luna nor myself can teleport to the moon. It's too far. We would die in the attempt."

All: ...
Author: THAT'S THE WORST EXPLANATION I'VE EVER HEARD!
Rarity: Well, it is a bit... Flawed.
Author: Here's my list of things wrong. I wrote t in five seconds.
Twilight: Do we really have to listen to you read-
Author: YES. First, Twilight isn't imprisoned inside the moon, she's sitting on its surface! Second, being able to traverse to and from the moon has nothing to do with Luna's entrapment, it was being bound there! There's nothing in that sentence that actually supports being unable to get to the moon! Third, how do you even KNOW Twilight has superior powers?! She hasn't actually demonstrated them? Perhaps my memory is flawed, but she's only demonstrated the same powers that both of the Princesses can already do! Fourth, YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO TELEPORT TO THE GOD DAMNED MOON! Just FLY! Breathing is optional, remember? And why would the teleport kill you?! If you're so worried, teleport half way, take a breather (or not), then teleport the other half of the distance! And furthermore-
Pinkie Pie: Um, author?
Author: WHAT?!
Pinkie Pie: THe story was tired of waiting. It continued without you.
Author: Oh, shi-

These words were like thunder in the ears of the five ponies and one dragon. The Princesses could do anything, couldn't they?

Apparently not.

Author: (Still fuming.) Apparently!

"We can send scrolls. We are constantly sending her scrolls.

Twilight: Which means Spike is completely worthless, and I don't really need him for letters.

But we cannot go ourselves. Such a thing is beyond us!"

Author: APPARENTLY!
Rarity: Author, do you need a moment?
Author: NO. I'm FINE and DANDY.

Luna stopped her pacing and glared. She looked angry. "Nor can we send a messenger. You are all too large, even the dragon, and even if we could send you, you would perish almost immediately! Twilight Sparkle can survive such a place," Luna snorted, "and so could I.

Author: JUST FLY THERE! GOD DAMNIT! (Walks over to a wall and starts banging his head against it.)
Twilight: ... Perhaps we should just leave him be for now.
Pinkie and Rarity: Agreed.

But no mortal creature can."

"Well," Fluttershy put in, "you could always ask me how to get her back."

Two earth ponies, one pegasus pony, one unicorn pony, two immortal alicorns, and one baby dragon

Twilight: Alternatively, you could just type, "Everyone else", but that would be too easy.

looked at the shyest pony any of them had ever met. The determination on the yellow pegasus's face was incredible.

"Do you want her back? Because I want her back."

Pinkie Pie: "I also want her chest, but for different reasons."

Celestia bowed her head. "What do you suggest?"

"Princess Luna? I have a question. It's about bringing the night," Fluttershy asked. Luna cocked her head. "What else can you do with the night sky?"

Twilight: I feel as though a horrible pun would be appropriate here...
Author: (From the wall, between head pounds.) She's McShyver! She can make a bomb out of duct tape, car keys, and some night air!
________________________________________

The sun had set. The night had risen. They were ready to try.

"Please remember, my little ponies, that she may not come back, even after this," Celestia said.

Twilight: Celestia; Shooting down hopes and dreams, one pony at a time.

Fluttershy simply looked determined. "We have to try. What are we if we don't try to get our friend back?"

Author: (Comes running back over.) This may get good.
Rarity: Finished banging your head against the wall?
Author: Hey, I can't miss the possible redemption of Fluttershy's character. Maybe she isn't as big a pansy as you were bitching about earlier, Twilight.

Celestia looked at Luna. The younger alicorn nodded back slowly. A hundred members of the Royal Guard were in Ponyville, just in case. They were door-knocking right now, just in case.

Pinkie Pie: And they were being repetitive, just in case.

They had orders that Celestia had never imagined she would have to issue. Just in case.

Pinkie Pie: Oh! I totally called that one!

"Little Sister, if you would please do the honours?"

Author: "You get to cut the ribbon to the new WalMart opening here in Ponyville."

Luna trotted up the short staircase to the library's large picture-window. The glass panels glowed pale blue, opened, swung outwards. She had a fine view of her magnificent night sky. The other ponies gathered around as she raised her head, closed her eyes, and sent the magic of the night out to all of the infinite heavens.

They looked at the dark silhouette on the face of the gibbous moon.

They waited.

They hoped.

Twilight: They ate some dinner. Rented a movie. Fell asleep. Woke up the next day. Ate some-
Rarity: Stop.
________________________________________

The stars...

Twilight blinked. The stars. The stars were moving.

Author: "I don't know what this powdery stuff on the moon is, but I'm totally tripping."

The constellations swirled and changed, individual points of light and great clusters, all moving, slowly, steadily.

They were bunching together, forming lines, curves, twists... words. They were forming words.

Rarity: Unfortunately, Luna is terrible at grammar.

Twilight looked on, stunned, as the entire universe rearranged itself, just for her.

Twilight: Nice way to inflate my ego, Luna.

They were sending her a message. She wouldn't read the scrolls, so they were moving the very heavens themselves to give her a message.

Please come home.

I miss you.

I'm waiting for you in the library.

- Fluttershy

Pinkie Pie: P.S. Buy some milk on the way.

Fluttershy...

Fluttershy misses me...

After I...

Twilight: "Used her toothbrush to scrub the toilet."

She remembered what she'd done. Her eyes snapped wide,

Twilight: "Ow."

shattering the twin trails of ice on her cheeks.

Fluttershy!

The enormous image of a weeping alicorn vanished from the face of the moon.
________________________________________

Her hooves touched the wooden floor of the library's large, welcoming ground floor.

Author: "Hi there! The name's ground floor, but my friends call me Gary! Come on in!"

A pink-and-yellow blur slammed into her. A pair of front legs wrapped tightly around her neck. She was being ferociously hugged by a crying pegasus.

Rarity: Look out, Twilight!

"Twilight! Twilight! Oh, thank goodness! I thought you were never coming back! Oh, I've missed you so much! Oh! You're so cold!"

"Fluttershy!" Twilight gasped,

Pinkie Pie: "I can't breath!"
Author: Wait, she gasped... When she doesn't need any air?
All: (Facepalm/hoof.)

hugging back.

I'm so sorry I almost killed you.

I'm so sorry I didn't kill you.

Rarity: Why am I getting the feeling that the story isn't going to end quite so easily?

"I'm so sorry I almost killed you! Are you alright? Are you okay? Was anypony else hurt? I'm so sorry! I -"

Soft thumps as all of her other friends joined the hug. Sniffs and sobs. Twilight was crying with sheer joy.

I have you all right here, you can't get away, and now you're all going to die. I'm so happy!

Author: I feel like Robcakeran and Sergeant Sprinkles are trying to write the story at the same time.

"My friends! My best... My best friends! I... I don't know what I was thinking! You're all here! I'm so happy!"

The hug broke up.

Rarity: No! The hug was my favorite shipping!

Twilight stepped back and looked with trepidation at the beaming pony right in front of her. Fluttershy looked fine. There were a few patches where her coat hadn't quite grown back in.

Author: Oh, yeah, of course, I suppose that MISSING WING is doing just dandy as well.

"You're alright! You're okay! I thought you were dead! I... I... I just..."

Pinkie Pie: It must have been super cold on the moon! Twilight's stammering as much as Fluttershy!

Fluttershy wiggled her wings, her smile getting wider. The feathers on one were a little fluffier than the other. "I'm just fine! The Princess herself arrived at the spa right after the explosion! There were quite a few burns and a couple of sprains. I was the worst but she regrew my wing just like that!

Rarity: Oh, uh, I never knew it was that easy.

Oh, you were right. I was so hungry! Remember, right after you got your wings?"

Twilight was momentarily distracted by the sight of Luna, standing at the large, round picture window. The midnight-blue Princess stood silently, back to Twilight, eyes closed, horn glowing as she restored the heavens. Below her stood her older sister. She was behind the circle of her chattering friends, smiling down at Twilight. The small alicorn jumped forward and nuzzled her neck. "Celestia! Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!"

Twilight: I give it... Three sentences before Twilight thinks crazy thoughts.
Author: Four.
Twilight: Deal.

Celestia sat back and looked quizzical. "Why are you sorry, Twilight Sparkle? There was no harm done."

"I'm sorry for running away!" She turned around, to look at all of her best friends. She smiled.

Maybe a fire spell. I could burn them to death.

Author: Damn it!
Twilight: Pay up.
Author: Fine... I'll right the stupid book/quill clopfic for you...
Twilight: (Squeals with delight.)

No, just telekinesis. Easy. Crush them.

No, I don't want to hurt them. They're my friends.

And they can stop me.

I want them to stop me!

No, I don't want them to stop me! I have to kill them!

Pinkie Pie: This story's giving me whiplash!

"Uh, Twi'?" Her farmer friend

Twilight: Big Mac?
Rarity: Braeburn?
Author: No, he's still over in APPLELOOSA!

was looking at her with the deepest concern. "Y'all right there, sugarcube?"

Twilight seized Applejack and hurled her, at an appreciable fraction of the speed of sound, straight at the wall.

Rarity: Deja vu.
Pinkie Pie: Perhaps it's code for, "I'm doing alright, how about you?"

WHAT AM I DOING?!

Twilight: Being OOC. What else is new?

She teleported Applejack right back to where she had been standing. The orange earth pony fell over with a muffled "Ooof!"

The newest alicorn was on the ground as well,

Rarity: Cadence?

hooves over her eyes. "Girls! G-girls! Get away from me!"

There was absolute silence, followed by the sounds of a very dizzy pony being helped to her hooves. Twilight felt a hoof touch her shoulder. Celestia. She could feel the ornamental shoe.

Twilight: Those must be SO uncomfortable.
Author: It's a "horseshoe"! (Killed by a meteor which had a sudden loathing of author.)

Did I just do that faster than Celestia or Luna could react?

...Excellent.

Author: "Jeopardy, here I come!"
Pinkie Pie: How are you...?
Author: I'm alive. Deal with it.

"Apple- Applejack. A-are you okay, AJ? Did I- did I hurt you?" Twilight's voice was fragile as crystal.

"Ah, uh, woah, my stars. Ah'm okay, Twi'. Dizzier'n a spinnin' top, but Ah'm okay. What jus' happened?"

Rarity: And what did she just say? I don't speak fake southern.

Twilight ground her hooves into her eyes. She spoke in a rush, as if she was afraid that her voice would fail her.

"I just picked you up and threw you at the wall. Then I realised what I was doing and teleported you back. If I hadn't caught you in time... If you had hit the wall... I... I..." Twilight screwed up her face. "I just tried to kill you, Applejack."

Twilight: (Shrugs.) It happens.

There was complete and total silence. Twilight stood up slowly, eyes closed. She felt Celestia right beside her, warm and reassuring. She took a deep breath.

Pinkie Pie: You don't have to breath, take advantage of it!

At least I can sigh properly again.

She sighed.

Author: This is probably the most meaningful work I've ever read. Screw "Heart of Darkness", "Not My Destiny is Where It's At"!

Twilight opened her eyes and looked at her friends.

They're my friends. I can't hurt them.

I don't have to hurt them, I just have to kill them.

I don't want to kill them.

I want to kill them.

"I'm going to kill all of you."

Rarity: At least she's honest.

Every single face in the room was beyond shock.

Pinkie Pie: They're SUPER shocked! Oh, wait, no, they're... ELECTROCUTED!
Twilight: Eventually they're going to become so shocked, they'll start being bored.

Twilight started trembling. She closed her eyes and shuddered for a moment.

The entire library jolted, as if there had been a momentary earthquake. Ponies gasped.

Dust fell from the decoratively-painted ceiling.

Author: Decoratively? In what way? Pictures? Nice paint? Gah, this is going to be bugging me all day!

The lights dimmed.

Her hooves left the floor as she began to levitate. She opened her eyes again and looked at the five targets before her.

Her eyes were blank, white-hot, blazing with infinite power.

Author: I suppose we won't have to check the scouter.

"LUNA!" Celestia screamed.

Pinkie Pie: "DID YOU LEAVE THE CAPS LOCK ON AGAIN?"

Luna spun from her position near the elevated window as Celestia crouched, horn ignited, wings spread, between Twilight and her friends. Leaping into the air, she flew through an arc towards the front door, eyes wide in terror as she passed over the floating form of Twilight Sparkle. Five ponies, and a very surprised baby dragon,

Twilight: I'm assuming it's Spike. I don't think Smayds has once mentioned Spike by his actual name,

were wrenched into the air by Luna's magic. Exclaiming in shock and surprise, they were pulled through the room as Luna blasted the front door into splinters and flew through the opening, tucking her wings in tight. The six friends, now all looking terrified except Spike, who was rolling himself into a tight little ball,

Rarity: Sounds terrified to me.
Author: Okay, is Spike an armadillo or something? Because I thought he was a dragon.

followed along in her wake.

Luna flew higher and faster, calling back over her shoulder to the terrified Bearers.

Author: I guess they're having a "be-
Rarity: Utter a single bear pun and I'll tear your arms off and beat you with them.
Author: -ar"... Beautiful day! That's what I was going to say. (Nervous smile.)

"We must get you away from her! You are all the hope that we have!"

All: (Exchange looks.)
Twilight: They're doomed.

She looked down at the sleepy town below as her trailing entourage shouted questions and made exclamations that she ignored. Soldiers in glinting armour could be seen. They were everywhere. She hoped the Guard had managed to warn every residence in time.

She bellowed one single word in a voice that shook the entire town.

"EVACUATE!"

Pinkie Pie: She wants everpony to go to the bathroom?
________________________________________

Celestia approached Twilight Sparkle. She had stopped levitating and fallen to the floor. She lay still, panting shallowly, her eyes closed.

"Twilight? Twilight, listen to me. You can fight this."

Pinkie Pie: Try an uppercut followed by a hook!

"No," Twilight groaned. Her flanks were rippling.

Author: Believe it or not.

Things were flowing beneath her skin like snakes. They showed through with a deep yellow-white glow. "No, I can't. I'll kill them. I have to kill them. They have to die before... Before I... I can't risk the... The Elements... Can't risk... They'll stop me... And I have to... Have to..."

Rarity: You HAVE to get a cup of water! Seriously, darling, you sound like you've just run a marathon!

Sounds of many hurried hoofsteps were filtering in from the night outside. The guards were doing their duty.

Pinkie Pie: (Snickering.) So was the rest of the town! (Collective groan.)

Celestia looked with sorrow at her former student, now a fellow alicorn, and seemingly beyond her help.

"I don't know what will happen, Twilight. I will try to save you. But you must keep trying to save yourself, too.

Twilight: "You think I'm going to do EVERYTHING around here?

Remember, your will is your own. Your thoughts are not all yours, but what you do with them is."

Author: Thank you, Yoda.

Celestia bowed her head. "And remember, too, that what my mother wrote in the book can be prevented. There are events recorded as inevitable fact that I have averted. The book was written as if no intervention were possible. But we can intervene. We can defeat this!" She placed her hoof on Twilight's shoulder.

Twilight's own hoof slammed on top of hers.

Author: Um... Brohoof?

She whimpered. She shivered.

For many long minutes, they remained silent, Celestia looking with sadness at Twilight, while the latter twitched and occasionally moaned on the floor.

Rarity: "So... Lovely day, isn't it?"

Were the hoofsteps outside getting fainter and further away?

"I... don't..." Twilight whispered.

Celestia bent her young, ancient face close to her former student's. "Twilight?"

"I... don't... want..." Her teeth were grinding with every word.

Twilight: Again, that's really bad for your teeth.

"What don't you want, my beloved Twilight?" Celestia asked softly.

"I... don't... want... to... do... this... but... I'm... going... to... do... it... anyway..."

Pinkie Pie: "BURP! Excuse me!"

Celestia snatched back her hoof.

Twilight stopped panting. Slowly, very slowly, she rose from the floor, three feet, four feet, spinning around gently in the air to face Celestia, who had started backing towards the doorway.

"My will is my own." The voice was not Twilight's. It was almost a snarl. Low. Venomous. Full of danger. "My will is my own."

Author: Oh no! It's a wild Mary Sue, and she won't be satisfied till she angsts everyone to death!

Her wings were thrown wide. Her eyes flicked open. Two blazing orbs of pure white light bored into Celestia.

Rarity: And bored the readers, but that's not important.

Celestia threw a holding spell around Twilight.

Twilight: Um, you're supposed to cast spells, not throw them.

She felt the immense tug of power as Twilight unconsciously tried to empty her of magic. It would strengthen the spell considerably. Even so, it would only hold for moments, but she had to buy time, and she needed every second.

Rarity: Quick! Ask the neighbors for some spare bits!

She whirled and bolted through the door, taking to the air immediately. Suddenly, the night sky above her flared, then extinguished into deepest black. She did not pause to wonder why.

Pinkie Pie: Yeah, I guess it wasn't that exciting.

Hovering high in the air above the library tree, she surveyed the streets of Ponyville.

Twilight: Celestia has a major in architecture.

There were still far too many ponies making their way out of the town. Summoning her seldom-used Voice,

Author: She's a dovahkiin?

she filled her lungs. She didn't like using it on her subjects, but right now, she had no choice.

"EVERYPONY! THIS IS YOUR PRINCESS! RUN! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Author: "Fus-ro-RUN!"

FLEE! GET AWAY FROM PONYVILLE, NOW! RUN! RUN! DO NOT LOOK BACK! DO NOT LOOK BACK! RUN! RUN! RUN NOW! AS FAST AS -"

Author: "Yor-tul-SHOOR!"

The Ponyville Public Library exploded into a gigantic, roiling, violent fireball. Celestia was knocked, tumbling, upwards and slightly to the side. She caught herself and dived for the ground.

Vast chunks of flaming tree were falling around her. The nearby shops and houses had been blasted flat.

Twilight: I guess they're considered "flats" now. (Claps a hoof over her mouth.) OHMYGOSH! Did I really just make that pun?
Author: I'm so proud of you.
Twilight: This story is so out of character that it's making ME act out of character!

Some of them, too, were starting to burn.

As the enormous fireball began to cool and darken high above, she beat her wings and cautiously approached the fiercely-burning pit where the magnificent old tree had once stood.

Pinkie pie: Good thing Fluttershy isn't here. She'd be heartbroken!

Something was rising from the blazing inferno.

Author: Disco?

Something hotter and brighter than the fire itself.

Pinkie Pie: Twilight, how'd you fit the sun in your house?

Its coat was sun-white, its eyes blood-red, its mane and tail were roaring sheets of yellow-orange flame.

Author: It's ponyta!

Two great wings spread wide from its shoulders. The horn on its forehead was very long, and very sharp. It looked at Celestia with death in its eyes as it rose slowly into the air.

The Thing opened its jaws.

Author: And called out for the rest of the Fantastic Four.

Rows and rows of jagged, uneven teeth.

Twilight: You see? THAT'S what happens when you grind your teeth all the time!

A gaping maw of horror. It was smiling at Celestia. A terrible, world-ending smile.

The Thing moved. Faster than lightning, those hundreds of teeth had closed around Celestia's neck.

Rarity: I'd actually be concerned if it wasn't for the fact she's immortal.
Author: Alright, that's the end of the chapter. Anyone want some kettle corn?
Pinkie Pie: I'd love some!
Author: Okay, let's see here, just pop it in the microwave and-
(The microwave explodes, and something hotter than hell and more sinister than Nixon rises from the inferno.)
The Other Thing: (In a squeaky voice.) I am Kenny, the evil kettle corn demon! The world shall burn as I will it, and all life shall perish as I incinerate all the poor fools that- (Author eats it.)
Twilight: How'd it taste?
Author: Meh. Needs some butter.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We've got break sign!

Next Chapter: Not My Destiny: Chapters 9 and 10 Estimated time remaining: 44 Hours, 4 Minutes