So, day two of Riffuary.

Is it too late to back out? No? Okay...

Today's story is actually the beginning of a rather curious clopfic called Spike's Sexual Misadventures, and a rather popular clopfic at that. I wouldn't be surprised if most of you are already at least familiar with the title. Curiously enough, there were small stretches where I was actually enjoying the writing. The humor in the story feels well timed, and the situations Spike finds himself in can be funny at times. The enjoyably parts are offset by weird-ass sex and fetishes, however, and I'd recommend this story to readers who enjoy clop or readers who enjoy laughing at the absurd.

Enjoy!

Rarity: Oh AUUUUTHOR!

Author: Dear Celestia, no...

Spike: And I was just about to get that Doctor Who who crossover staring me written...

Rarity: Oh, you will be SOOOO excited to hear what I've been up to!

Author: Um, Spike? What's Rarity going to do to me?

Spike: Run.

Author: Wha-?

Rarity: You see Author, I've been simply DYING to take on the challenge of designing clothes for a hew-man, and you're the only one I know! So stand still!

Author: Whoa! Hold on! (starts backing away before Rarity pounces on him, fabric and thread in hand)

Rarity: Stop squirming! (Spike starts tiptoeing out the door, then Rarity shoots him a look) You're not going anywhere! I need to test my draconian fashions next!

Author: (under his breath) To match your draconian personality...

Rarity: WHAT?!

Author: Nothing!

Rarity: And... (sews in the finishing touch) Done!

(pause)

Spike: (bursts out laughing) I thought Mary Sue's had stupid outfits, but this takes the cake!

Rarity: What's wrong with it?

Author: Rarity... How many arms do I have?

Rarity: It's hard to tell. I couldn't tell if those things you walk around on are called arms as well.

Author: I suppose that's a reasonable explanation, you know, if you hadn't designed this sweater with SEVEN ARMS.

Rarity: Hmm... It does look a tad silly, doesn't it?

Pinkie Pie: (from TV) A tad?! It's so silly my eyes are about to pop out!

(doors swing shut and lock)

Pinkie Pie: (from TV) What's even funnier is that Spike gets to read today's story!

Spike: Why is it I don't find that funny at all?

Rainbow Dash: (from TV) Oh, you're going to love this, Spike... Today's story is "Spike's Sexual Misadventures". Because nothing perks up a pony quite like reading about babies having sex!

Spike: I'm not a baby! I'm just... small-boned.

(buzzer sounds)

All: We've got story sign!

Chapter 1: Spike's Day Off

Author: It would be funny if the entire story was just Spike watching TV.

Spike: That's what I usually do on my day off.

Rarity: Why do I get the feeling that would be better than whatever this story is about?

It was Sunday and Spike’s day off.

Spike: If Twilight actually gave me Sundays off I'd eat my tail.

Author: Really? That's rough. When do you have off?

Spike: Twilight said once she creates an eighth day of the week I can have an extended lunch break.

He’d just eaten breakfast with Twilight and was now lazing in his basket, flipping through last week’s issue of Playcolt without much interest.

Spike: "Fleur-di-Lis? Again?"

He’d already read everything that was worth reading and looked at all the pictures that were worth looking at many times before, and now he was bored.

Author: If only Spike had internet connection. He'd never be bored again...

He heard the sound of hoofsteps coming up the stairs, and quickly hid the magazine under his basket just as Twilight’s horn became visible over the top of the stairs.

Rarity: I never knew Twilight had such a LONG horn.

Spike: Rarity, don't attempt dirty jokes. It just doesn't sound... Right.

He got out of his basket and made for the stairs, shouting as he went along “Hey, Twilight, I’m going out for a bit.”.

“Where to?” she inquired.

Author: "What are you, my MOM? ... Oh, wait..."

He thought about it for a moment - he hadn’t really thought that far - before replying “I dunno. Maybe I’ll go see if Rarity needs help with anything.”.

Author: What kind of help I wonder? (winks at Spike)

Spike: Dude, just... don't.

“Okay. See you later then!” Twilight giggled as he disappeared down the stairs.

Rarity: Am I the only one who thinks she's acting suspicious?

The walk to Carousel Boutique was uneventful, as was to be expected on a Sunday.

Spike: Yeah, because nothing interesting happens on Sundays.

Rarity: But doesn't this story happen on a Sunday?

Author: Shit... This is going to be awfully boring, isn't it?

Spike knocked on the door and waited a while, but nothing happened. He knocked again.

Still no response. Was Rarity out? He tried the handle, and the door opened.

“Rarity? Are you there?” he called out.

There was no response,

Author: This isn't smut, it's a freaking horror story.

but he thought he could hear a low noise coming from somewhere inside.

Author: My point exactly.

He ventured further into the house. There was no doubt now - he could hear the sound of running water coming from behind a door in the hall. Was Rarity in the shower? The mere thought of this made him blush.

Spike: Playcolt? It's okay. Rarity in the shower? HOLY CELESTIA, STOP THE PRESSES!

He contemplated leaving to come back later, but the temptation to sneak a peek made him hesitate.

“This is WRONG. I shouldn’t do this!” he told himself, “It’s a bad idea! Rarity will find out and get mad!”. “...but this is a chance you don’t get everyday!” his inner dialogue chimed in. “You may never get the chance again!” it continued.

Author: Just think! What other chance does Spike have to see Rarity without any clothes on? Oh, that's right... Every single day of his life.

He suddenly realized he was hunched on the floor, pulling at his scales, while his inner dialogue argued with itself.

“Shut up!” he thought, and the voices died down.

He decided to take a look inside.

Rarity: I know the REAL Spike would never do such a thing! Right, my little Spikey-Wikey?

Spike: Er... um... (looks away) Of course not...

After all, this WAS a once in a lifetime opportunity. He gently pushed at the door, and it opened slightly. The flowery smell of shampoo emanated from the crack in the door,

Rarity: L'Oréal; because I'm worth it.

and steam poured against his face as he put his eye up to the opening.

Author: She should really have some ventilation or something. Otherwise the steam and humidity can cause a lot of moisture damage.

Rarity: But... But it's so good for my pores!

Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw. Rarity was indeed in there, and she was softly humming the tune of “Art of the dress” as she stood under the shower,

Author: How would Spike know what 'Art of the Dress' sounds like?

Spike: Rarity forces us to listen to her sing it during karaoke nights.

Rarity: And I do a great job of it too, thank you very much!

rinsing out the shampoo and enjoying the warm water trickling down her body.

Her normally well-groomed and styled mane and tail hung limply straight down, weighed down by the water, and a lock of her beautiful purple hair fell down between her closed eyes.

The very sight of this made him instantly grow a raging boner.

Author: I don't know about anything else, but three things that personally do not appeal to me are picturing babies with boners, dragons with boners, and innocent cartoons with boners.

Rarity: I believe this story is a home run then.

Spike: Hey, different strokes for different blokes.

Author: ... You did that on purpose, didn't you?

At this point his vision had gone all pink and glittery, and he was completely oblivious to his surroundings when a sweet voice sounded from behind him.

“Hi, Spike!”.

He almost jumped in surprise, and quickly grabbed a vase that had been standing next to the door to hide his boner as he turned around to see Sweetie Belle smiling innocently at him.

Rarity: NO! NOT MY VASE! NOT THE POOR VASE!

Spike: Uh, what about Sweetie Belle?

Rarity: Oh, we talked about the birds and the bees ages ago.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, “Did you come to see Rarity?” she continued without waiting for a reply. “She’s in the shower you know. She’ll be out any minute I’m sure.”

Author: As if. We're talking about a woman here. (Rarity slaps Author)

she went on. “Would you like some juice?”.

Spike shook his head.

Spike: Please... Don't say juice in this story...

“Why are you holding that vase?” inquired Sweetie Belle.

Spike wasn’t quite sure what to say to this, so he just grinned sheepishly and hoped she would move on to another subject or go away. Unfortunately, she didn’t, and as she tried to peek around the vase, he was forced to move it around to hide his still massive erection.

Author: Hey? You want to know where to hide your erection?

Rarity: Don't say it...

Author: In the vase.

Spike: That does kind of make sense.

Author: Check out Justin Timberlake's knew single, 'Dick in a Vase'.

Suddenly he was startled by the sound of the door opening behind him.

Rarity had apparently finished taking a shower and was coming out.

The shock made him drop the vase, causing it to fall to the floor and shatter.

Rarity: NO! OUT OF ALL THE WORST POSSIBLE-

Author and Spike: That's nice.

“Ooooh, what’s that?” asked Sweetie Belle in fascination, her large round eyes now firmly fixed on his humongous cock.

Author: Damn, Twilight's growth magic wasn't completely taken away now, was it?

Rarity: Horrible... Mental images...

He didn’t answer, but instead turned and ran towards the exit, only briefly turning his head around to see Rarity standing next to Sweetie Belle, staring at him with an expression of mixed anger and surprise.

Spike: (laughing) Could you imagine if the dick was so big, it just started knocking tables and stuff over by accident?

Rarity: I don't see how you can find any humor in this!

Spike: Sorry, it's just so over the top! It's hilarious!

He ran for what felt like hours, even though it was probably only a few minutes, before slowing down and wandering aimlessly around the outskirts of Ponyville, where he was unlikely to encounter anypony else. He had never in his life felt so ashamed before. Now Rarity would surely hate his guts for all eternity, and even if she didn’t, how could he possibly face her after this.

Author: Depends on her preferences. You could either face her from the front or behind.

Rarity: Would you just stop it!

He lay down on the ground, staring up at the sky, and wept at the thought of never being able to face Rarity again, before slowly dozing off into an uneasy sleep.

The sound of hoof-beats in the distance woke him up. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been sleeping, but he guessed at least a few hours.

Spike: In actuality it was thirty years. He's woken up in the middle of the Pony-Robot wars.

Author: Even worse, he woke up in the setting of 'Friendship is Forever'.

Still lying on his back, he looked around to see who was coming, but couldn’t see anypony before a friendly pink pony with a poofy pink mane

Rarity: Big Macintosh?

poked her smiling face into his field of vision from somewhere behind him.

“Hi, Spike!” she said cheerfully.

“Pinkie Pie? What are you doing out here?” he said.

Spike: "Hiding a body. You?"

“Oh, silly, I was about to ask you the same!” she exclaimed happily.

Spike didn’t feel like discussing his unfortunate situation with anypony right now - especially Pinkie Pie. “Just, you know... taking a nap.”

Author: "In the woods. Next to this timberwolf cave. The ground's good for my back."

he said in as manly a way as he could, realizing perfectly well how lame it sounded, and almost facepalming himself.

Author: I think you mean 'face-rosiepalming' himself!

Spike: ... Just... Shut up.

Pinkie Pie, however, didn’t seem to have noticed.

“Oh, that’s right!” she said, “I came

Author: "WHAT?!"

to give you this!”,

Author: "OH."

and produced a pink piece of cardboard seemingly out of thin air.

Rarity: See the astounding tricks of Magician Pie!

Spike: Hammer-Space Pie is more like it...

“Where did...” he began, then cut himself off in mid-sentence. He knew better than to question the mysteries of Pinkie Pie.

Spike: Last time I asked, I learned horrible, horrible facts about almonds.

Some things were probably best left unknown. He took the pink object from her muzzle and examined it.

Before he could read it, Pinkie Pie went on “It’s an invitation to a party!”.

“What’s the occasion?” Spike inquired, raising an eyebrow.

Rarity: Is it a "You-Peaked-On-Rarity-In-the-Shower-and-We-Have-Photos" party?

Author: Those are my favorite!

“Oh, silly, since when did I need an excuse to throw a party?” she laughed dismissively.

He had to admit, she had a point.

All: Yeah, she does.

“It’s at Sugarcube Corner at 8pm! Be there, or be elsewhere!”

Spike: And if I do neither?

Rarity: I suppose reality explodes?

she shouted cheerfully, before bouncing happily away from Spike and vanishing in the distance.

Author: She didn't vanish. Equestria just has low draw distance.

Chapter 2: Pinkie Pie's Party

Rarity: These are arguable the most creative chapter names I've ever seen.

He looked down at his watch to check what time it was, before realizing he never wore one,

All: (shrug shoulders)

then looked up again and started to walk back to Ponyville. By the time he was back in town, it was starting to get dark. He peered through the window of a clock shop to see what time it was. 7.42pm.

“Well, I’m sure Pinkie Pie won’t mind if I’m a bit early.” he thought, and set course for Sugarcube Corner.

Author: Alright crew! Raise the mast! Turn forty-five degrees east! Ready the cannons and-

Spike: Do you have any clue what you're talking about?

Author: Not the slightest.

When he got there, he wondered for a moment if those clocks had been wrong. Sugarcube Corner looked dark from the outside, and there was no sign of anything going on.

Rarity: I'm noticing a common theme with all these houses.

Spike: What? That they're all set up like horror movies?

Author: Next thing you know the story's going to be a pony version of 'Night Trap'.

He knocked on the door. After a while, the door was opened by Pinkie Pie.

“Oh, it’s you! Come on in!” she cheerfully beckoned him to come inside. “You’re a bit early. None of the other guests have arrived yet!” she explained. “Cupcake?”

All: (exchange glances) FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE, DON'T EAT IT!

Author: It's 'Cupcakes' all over again! The horror story theory is validated!

As he looked up, she was holding out a delicious looking cupcake, offering it to him. Realizing he hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast, he accepted the cupcake and ate it in one bite. “Fhanfs!” he mumbled,

Spike: "Spike! Don't talk about my mother like that!"

chewing on the cupcake. Pinkie Pie bounced back into the kitchen - to finish preparations for the party, he presumed.

A few minutes passed before he started to feel drowsy. At first he thought he was merely tired, but as his drowsiness grew he started to become suspicious. Was there something in that cupcake?

Author: No! We were kidding when we said it was like 'Cupcakes'! WE WERE KIDDING!

He could barely keep his eyes open anymore, and shortly after, he collapsed on the floor, soundly asleep.

A shock wave of icy cold wetness

Rarity: I'm really hoping this is water you're talking about...

suddenly brought him back to full awareness. As he struggled to get up, he realized that his legs and arms were chained to something. His eyes darted around, and he realized he was now in a dimly lit room with stone walls - most likely a cellar of some sort.

Spike: You know, I've never actually read Cupcakes.

Author: Really? But you're one of the top riffers in MLP fanfic history. (* Editor's note: This is mentioned in issue 22: 'Ten Pounds of Fetus and Mouthwash', kids.)

Spike: Meh. I heard it was boring.

Rarity: It was.

Around the room were various mysterious looking contraptions and tools, and an assortment of whips and knives adorned the wall to his right. In front of him was a pony holding upside down over him a large bucket that had presumably contained ice cold water until a few seconds ago.

Rarity: I really don't like the word 'presumably' used here...

Spike: Why? What else could the bucket- Oh...

The pony in front of him was wearing an unusual outfit, apparently made entirely of black leather.

Author: C'mon, Spike, you read Playcolt. I'm sure this isn't THAT unusual.

It was unusual enough that ponies actually wore clothing, but he’d never even seen anything like this before. The leathery suit covered almost the entire body, but had appropriately placed holes for the tail, ears, mane and muzzle.

From the poofy pink hair that protruded from various holes in the suit,

Rarity: True fact; I've had to design these outfits before, and they're specially designed to have an individual hole for each strand of hair.

and the faint smell of strawberry cupcakes, he guessed that it was Pinkie Pie.

Author: Actually, it's the ponified version of Strawberry Shortcake. Sleep sweet with that thought, readers!

“Pinkie Pie? What’s going on?” he inquired nervously, and the reply came quickly “Pinkie Pie? Who is this Pinkie Pie you speak of?”. She spoke in a stern voice, but he could sense an undertone of cheerfulness.

Spike: Yeah, well, I'm getting an undertone of 'this is about to get really sucky really quickly'.

“You WILL address me as Mistress Pain! Or just Mistress!” she went on,

Rarity: "Or, you know, Pinkie Pie will do. Whatever is best for you."

then continued “But oh, silly me, where are my manners!

Author: At the pub, drowning their memories of this story in booze.

We welcome you as today’s guest of honor to our most exclusive club!”. Upon hearing “We”, he looked around the room - and indeed, they were not alone - in the dark corners of the room, he could see the silhouettes of two other ponies as well. They were now moving closer, presumably having taken the welcome as their cue to join in.

Rarity: "... Was that the cue?"

Spike: "Yes! Now get over here!"

Author: "But I thought the cue was 'this most amazing club'."

Spike: "Would you just get over here!"

The other ponies were also wearing black leather suits, similar to the one Pinkie Pie was wearing. He immediately recognized one of the others, as she stepped into the light - a pegasus, from whose suit bright yellow wings and a pink tail and mane protruded.

Rarity: Why did Bloomberg paint his leaves pink?

“Fluttershy!?” he exclaimed loudly, feeling a mixture of surprise and relief wash over him. As soon as he spoke, the sound of a whip tore through the room, followed by the sound of breaking wood - he instinctively closed his eyes,

Spike: Yeah, the sound of wood breaking always makes me close my eyes.

and expected pain, but when it didn’t come, he opened them again. The silence was broken once more by the sound of something wooden clattering onto the floor.

Fluttershy then spoke in a dangerously sweet,

Author: 'dangerously sweet'? What's she going to do, whisper diabetes into his ear?

but stern voice. “Never mention that name here again! You will address me as Mistress Shy. If you want to live, that is.”

Rarity: What's that I see? A bird? A pegasus? No, it's Fluttershy's character flying comically out the window!

Mistress Pain then spoke up again in an announcing voice “Today is also a special occasion, as we have another special guest - a member of our sister-club in Canterlot.”

Rarity: I never knew Fancypants was into this sort of thing!

Spike looked at the third pony, who had now stepped out of the darkness as well. She was slightly taller than the average pony, and had a very unusual dark blue mane which appeared to be starry, slightly translucent and constantly billowing, even though there was no wind.

Spike: Huh... You know, I never noticed that.

Author: Really? The defining trait of all alicorns is a gravity-defying mane.

Her most unusual trait, however, was her dark blue pegasus wings and unusually long unicorn horn. She was an alicorn, and Spike knew of only two such ponies in all of Equestria.

Rarity: Princess Celestia and Princess Cadance?

“Princess Luna.” he thought. He was starting to get the idea, however, and knew better than to speak it out loud. “By what name should I address you then, Mistress?” he asked the tall blue alicorn, and braced himself for the reply.

Author: "Luna's fine."

“WE SHALL BE ADDRESSED BY THE NAME OF MISTRESS MOON!“ her voice rang out into the room with great force. “The Royal Canterlot Voice.” he thought. He had expected as much.

Spike: Geez, how is BDSM supposed to be enjoyable if everything is so predictable?

After a brief pause, Mistress Pain spoke up again. “Now that we have all been introduced, perhaps it is time to begin... the ceremony.”

“Ceremony?” Spike inquired nervously.

Author: If it's streaking through Ponyville, I wouldn't be too concerned.

“Don’t worry. We won’t hurt you...” she told him, a mischievous smile spreading across her face. “Too much...” she ended.

Spike: "I need an adult..."

Rarity: "You got better. You got a god."

Author: I need something. It's called a break.

Author: You know Spike, I never thought you'd be considered such a sex god with bronies.

Spike: Are you kidding? I'm a regular model for Playfilly. The mares love dragon on dragon!

Rarity: My little Spikey-wikey in an adult magazine?! I refuse to believe it!

Author: Yeah, nice try Spike, but I don't see how anything would be attracted to a little lump of purple like yourself.

Spike: I'm not a lump! I'm kind of shaped like a heart even!

Rarity: I beg your pardon?

Spike: You know, like a real heart.

Author: Spike, I think you're trying too hard. Me, on the other hand, back on Earth, I'm a supermodel!

(Spike and Rarity exchange glances, then start laughing)

Author: Hey! You haven't seen any other humans! For all you know I'm the most handsome human in existence!

Spike: I guess humans are just naturally ugly.

Author: Bah! How about I tell Rarity about those magazines and pictures you-

Spike: Don't you-

(buzzer sounds, and Spike lets out a relieved sigh)

All: We've got story sign!

Chapter 3: It's Always the Quiet Ones...

All: So true.

Mistress Pain closed in on him, and was now standing in directly in front of the wooden object he was chained to.

Spike: ... A totem pole?

He wondered nervously what was going to happen, when she stuck out her orange tongue

Author: Wait a second... (checks pictures from cartoon) Sweet Celestia, it IS orange!

and started licking a spot between his legs - the exact spot where his penis was hidden.

Twilight: Ah, so male dragon genitalia is retracted when the dragon in question isn't in an aroused state... (scribbles notes) Interesting...

Author: Twilight, get the hell out of here!

A wave of pleasure washed over him

Spike: "Help! I'm drowning!"

as the tip of her tongue danced playfully across his loins.

Author: The Bolshoi Theater presents; 'Swan Spike'.

“I’m liking this idea...” he thought, as his dick started to grow. She continued licking the base of his dragonhood

Rarity: 'Dragonhood'?

Spike: My penis grew up on the wrong side of the tracks.

until he was almost fully erect, before wrapping her lips around it.

Her hair was now almost touching his face, and a strong smell of strawberries filled his nostrils - he wondered about this for a moment - was she wearing some sort of strawberry perfume, or had she just eaten so many strawberry cupcakes that it had become her natural body odour?

Twilight: Actually, the flamingo, as it grows older, develops a light pink plummage due to the beta carotene found in the animal and plant plankton they ingest, so it's possible that-

All (except Twilight): GET OUT!

He decided he didn’t really care - the smell was arousing him either way.

Author: Yeah, screw Playboy. If I want to get off, I go to my local bakery.

Her tongue continued to toy with his wang as she started to suck it, sending shivers of pleasure through his body. After a while, he could feel pressure building up in his groin, and he knew he was about to come.

Spike: Where am I arriving from?

Mistress Pain showed no visible reaction,

Author: Spike, if you're under performing here, you think Rarity is going to be impressed?

Rarity: Why, I-

Spike: Hey, it says no VISIBLE reaction.

Rarity: For your information, I'd be very impressed!

All: ...

Author: Right, let's stop here before Applebloom/Spike shippers start hurling spears at their computer screen.

and continued sucking and licking as he shot load after load into her mouth.

When his orgasm had subsided, she pulled her muzzle back, so that his now semi-erect cock slid out, and licked her lips sensuously, smiling at him.

The sight of this aroused him greatly, and he found to his surprise that he was hard again.

Author: Yeah, screw internet porn. If I want to get off, I'm going to Arby's. Actually... Maybe I'll go to Wendy's instead.

Mistress Pain spoke up again. “Looks like he’s ready now!”

“I want him first!” exclaimed Mistress Shy excitedly, moving towards Spike.

The others didn’t seem to have any objections to this.

Spike: Am I really THAT undesirable?

She placed her front hooves on the wooden contraption, and hoisted herself onto it.

Smiling, she leaned over him and whispered in a dangerously sweet voice

Spike: It was like having a cupcake shoved in my ear.

“I hear you’ve been a bad dragon, Spike. Spying on Rarity in the shower like that. Naughty boys such as you need to be PUNISHED.”.

Author: The creepiest part is he isn't even old enough to be considered a boy. Nothing like having sex with a baby...

Rarity: Pardon me, I'm just going to fetch my brain bleach...

Spike: Grab some for the rest of us please.

As she mentioned Rarity, he felt a stab of guilt. “Rarity put you guys up to this?” he whispered back.

“Oh, no, she would never. She doesn’t even know about us. But when she told me about your little visit, and mentioned how... well-endowed you were, I couldn’t resist suggesting to the club that we bring you in for initiation.” she paused for a moment, then a grin spread across her face as she continued in an even softer voice “That, and I’ve always wanted to know what it feels like to fuck a dragon.”, her eyes widening as she whispered the f-word.

Rarity: Fluttershy dear, I'm pretty sure an actual, non-baby dragon has... equipment that, by itself, is larger than you.

Author: You know Rarity, you don't have to use cute nicknames. You can just say penis.

Rarity: I shan't! I am a lady! I will not use such vulgar terms!

Author: What? You don't like talking about the twig and two berries?

Spike: The sausage and two meatballs?

Author: The banana and two apples?

Spike: The bat and two baseballs?

Author: The walking stick and two ladybugs?

Spike: The-

Rarity: Stop! Fine... I'll say... (lips tremble) Penis. (grabs a bar of soap and starts scrubbing her tongue)

If Spike had been drinking something at that moment, it would probably now have been all over Fluttershy’s face.

Author: I can think of another juice you can get all over her- (kicked into next week by Rarity)

He’d never heard Fluttershy say anything even remotely obscene before, and had imagined that if she ever needed to speak on the subject of sex, she would have used a more politically correct word such as “intercourse”. His Metapod instantly responded by using HARDEN.

Author: (calling as he makes his way back from next week) Hey! I'M the one who makes pop-culture references around here!

“Heeey, what are you guys whispering about!?” inquired Mistress Pain, who was now becoming impatient.

“Nothing!” they both responded simultaneously.

Rarity: Why is Fluttershy keeping any of this a secret? None of that she said sounded like something the other two don't know.

Spike. Plus they're standing, like five feet away. I think they would've heard.

Author: It's clop. Just roll with it. ...And no, Spike, you aren't allowed to make a ball joke.

Mistress Shy then proceeded to stand up, and balancing on the wooden object, moved forwards a bit positioning herself directly over Spike. She was now standing over him, and he could clearly see her furry yellow mound through a hole in the crotch of her leather suit, now located directly above his now rock hard member.

Author: Spike used HARD- Oh, wait, that joke's already been used. THANKS writer... (folds arms and pouts)

She then leaned her head down towards him, and staring directly into his eyes with a determined expression said in her soft-yet-dangerous voice “You’re going to FUCK me!”

Rarity: Oh, that was just a cheap-shot, story.

as she lowered herself onto him. The pleasure he felt as her warm wet cunt enveloped his throbbing cock was like nothing he’d ever experienced before, and for a moment he thought he was going to come again immediately.

She had now lowered herself all the way onto him, and he could feel the warmth of her soft haunches connecting with his hip.

Author: (makes static noise) "This is the S.S. Shipping, we have connected to the docking bay. Proceed to unload cargo."

Then, pushing herself upright with her front hooves, she started riding him,

Rarity: And what happened next was the greatest game of polo in history.

lifting her haunches and thrusting them down as hard as she could, over and over again. With each thrust, a wave of pleasure shot through his body like a lightning bolt,

Spike: That sounds painful.

Author: Just imagine yourself fucking an electrical outlet.

and Mistress Shy seemed to be enjoying herself too as moans of pleasure escaped her

Rarity: "Free at last!"

with each thrust - softly at first, but increasingly louder as she was getting closer to orgasm.

The sound of her soft moans as she rode his cock was arousing him even more, and he soon felt the pressure building up in his cock as he came harder than he had ever come before,

Spike: "Playcolt ain't got nothing on this mare!"

shooting load after load of sticky white stuff into her. Apparently the sensation of his hot streams of jizz filling up her lovehole

Author: (laughing) All this terminology... Making me laugh so hard...

pushed Fluttershy over the edge as well, as she started moaning and gasping feverishly, dropping her front hooves onto the surface above his shoulders for support as her insides convulsed around his pulsating rod.

Rarity: Am I reading a porno, or the description of a lightning rod during a storm?

After their orgasms subsided, she just sat there with her eyes closed, slumped forwards and leaning on her hooves, breathing heavily. Spike could feel the thick mixture of their bodily fluids starting to leak out, dripping onto his hips and the wooden surface underneath.

Spike: You know, I don't think we ever will find out what he's tied to.

After a while, she opened her eyes again, smiled at him, and said softly “Now, let’s get you cleaned up.”.

Author: No offense, Fluttershy, but you suck at this bondage thing. You're supposed to snarl that sentence while holding up, I don't know, iron wool.

She lifted herself up a bit, so that only about half of his dick was inside her and closed her eyes again. For a while, he could feel her tight warm pussy softly squeezing him, then he felt an extra wetness spreading across the top of his cock, before a warm yellow stream pushed its way out and started trickling down his shaft, onto the wooden object and the floor below. She was washing away the gooey white ooze by urinating down his cock.

All: ...

Spike: Hey, at least it isn't as bad or as weird as unbirth.

Author: True dat.

The hot yellow stream continued to flow down his groin for a while, gently teasing his dick and balls.

He’d never thought anything could feel this good,

Rarity: What about finishing this story?

and he could feel himself getting hard again.

After a while, the stream stopped, and Fluttershy opened her eyes again.

“Now, it’s your turn.” she said.

“What?” he asked.

“Wash out my pussy...” she replied, smiling, and leaning closer, continued “... with your piss.”

Rarity: This is actually how I clean my windows.

He tried to push, but nothing happened - peeing with an erection wasn’t easy, he realized.

Author: And now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

“I don’t know if I can.” he said after a while.

“Oh, but you WILL.” she said in a sweet but stern voice, a dangerous look her eyes. He swallowed. It wasn’t exactly that he was afraid of Fluttershy, but there was just something about that look in her eyes that made him really not want to disobey her.

Spike: I know what he's- er, I'm?- talking about... It's a horrifying thing known as... THE GLANCE!

Author: You mean 'the stare'?

Spike: Why would I call it that?

He closed his eyes, tried to relax, and felt his erection starting to go down a bit, then tried to push again. At first nothing happened, but then he felt the gates open, and a great relief filled him as a yellow stream shot out of his urethra, splashing against Fluttershy’s insides.

Author: 'Spike's Sexual Misadventures': Where you spend a couple of paragraphs reading about a dragon's attempting to pee on ponies.

“Oh, yes!” she moaned, her eyes widening with pleasure, as the warm liquid flowed out of her and onto the floor, taking with it most of what remained of Spike’s semen. The stream went on for some time, and he realized he hadn’t gone to the bathroom since he left the library earlier in the day.

Rarity: Now that's just disgusting! How can he hold it for so long?

After a while, his bladder was empty, and the flow stopped.

Mistress Shy collected herself,

Author: Catch em' all.

and staring into his eyes, stated with great assertiveness that “Now, you’re GOING to fuck me again!”.

Spike: Mistress Bossy is more like it...

A wet splash sounded as she dropped herself back down, once again taking his full length, causing his member to grow fully hard again. She leaned forward a bit, and fiddled with something on the wooden contraption.

All: Just tell us what it is already!

Spike felt the cuffs around his hands loosening.

Spike: This is why I always keep bail money on me.

Turning to the other two ponies, who had so far been watching quietly from the side, she said “Is the whip ready?”.

Mistress Pain replied “Yes indeedie!” holding up a black leather whip.

Upon seeing the whip, Spike once again became slightly nervous. Were they planning to use it on him?

Author: Kid... Playcolt must be a pretty tame magazine, isn't it?

Mistress Shy then turned back to Spike, and spreading her wings, spoke in a commanding voice “Grab me!”.

He sat up a bit, and grabbed her body, just below the wings. His arms didn’t reach all the way around, but his claws sank into the leather suit, securing his grip.

Author: Okay, I think I should point out the absurdity of this to our readers. We are supposed to be picturing Spike grabbing hold of Fluttershy in bondage gear while having an erection. This may or may not be one of the most hilarious things I could ever picture.

Rarity: I'm going to go with 'may not'...

“Hold on tight!” she said. She then flapped her wings, creating a sudden jerk of upward motion and lifting her almost to the top of his cock, and let herself drop back down with a splat as her rump slapped into his hip. The impact smarted a bit, but the pain was far surpassed by the immense pleasure of her soft, wet, furry mound grinding against his balls.

Spike: (Author and Spike wince) That doesn't sound pleasurable!

Author: That just sounds like it fucking hurts!

Spike: I might as well save Fluttershy the trouble and smash my balls with a hammer!

Author: A ball-peen hammer? (Rarity smacks him)

Spike: I can understand this maybe being alright with ponies after they've gotten accustomed to it, but Fluttershy's, like, three times my size!

A sudden crack startled Spike, as the whip hit Mistress Shy’s leather suit. Her eyes widened and a grin spread across her face, her expression a mixture of pain and pleasure.

“Ooooh yes!” she screamed, flapping her wings again.

All: Oh no...

He held on tight, so as not to lose his grip on her as she continued to flap her wings and dropping back onto him hard, grinding her soft pussy against his balls and filling him with immense pleasure.

Rarity: Immense pleasure? As opposed to what? Not-so-grand-pleasure?

She seemed to be getting wilder, and less like the Fluttershy he thought he knew with each crack of the whip, dropping down harder and harder, moaning and screaming dirty things.

Looking at her face, it was as if she was staring at something far away.

Rarity: That's the script they're holding up behind the camera.

“Fuck me HARDER!” she screamed, apparently no longer realizing that she was the one doing all the fucking. Suddenly she turned to him again, her crazed eyes staring into his, and spoke in soft but excited voice “Grab me harder!”.

Author: "I'm giving all all I've got, Captain!"

He grabbed her a bit harder.

“HARDER!” she screamed, then pausing for a moment, went on “Make me BLEED!”.

All: Gah!

Author: (throws wallet at story) Take my money! All of it! Just please, go away!

As he tightened his grip as hard as he could, his claws punctured the leather suit and a small trickle of blood ran down the black leather, dripping onto the wood below.

Rarity: Will the mystery of what he's sitting on ever be solved?

“Oooooh yeees!” she screamed, apparently now in a frenzy, her rump slapping against his hips harder than ever and filling the room with wet squishy sounds.

Author: Squishy sounds. That SO turns me on.

She was now screaming so loudly that he wondered if it couldn’t be heard all over Ponyville, saying things so dirty that he didn’t even know what half of them meant, and wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

Rarity: I'm sure pirates everywhere are blushing.

Blood was trickling from the small puncutre wounds in her suit, down his claws and arms, mixing with their bodily fluids and splattering all over the place.

Spike: Sounds like what happens when I try to make pancakes. Without the bodily fluids, I mean.

Suddenly, her body went rigid and started spasming uncontrollably, as she climaxed once again.

Author: Either that's a climax, or they should really call 911.

Her contractions quickly pushed him over the edge

Spike: Of a cliff.

as well, and his mind blanked out as he blew another massive load into her spasming cunt.

Rarity: I don't know what a 'spasming' cunt is supposed to be like, but if I ever run across one I'll have my pepper spray.

As their orgasms subsided, he noticed that she was still sitting rigidly in front of him, covered in specks of blood and bodily fluids, apparently unaware of her surroundings.

Author: Did she just have sex or witness a murder?

He felt a warm trickle down his balls, as she soiled herself while still sitting on his cock, and then toppling backwards off the wooden object

All: WHAT IS IT?!

and spasming a few times, passed out on the stone floor in a pool of blood-tinted urine and semen.

Spike looked worriedly down at her unmoving form on the floor. “Is she allright?” he asked, turning to Mistress Pain.

“Oh, she’s fine. She’ll come around in a few minutes.” came the reply in a cheerful, dismissive tone. “She sometimes gets like that when she gets too excited.” she explained.

All: You don't say?

Author: I remember when I met a person who was like that. She had a really nice padded cell. C'mon, let's get outta here...

Rainbow Dash: (from TV): What did I say Spike? Didn't I say you were going to love it?

Spike: Rainbow, has anypony ever told you that you're a liar? (Rainbow Dash giggles)

Pinkie Pie: (from TV) Don't worry, Spike! I'll make sure to pick something extra cloppy for you next time!

Spike: (sighs) How awfully sweet of you.

Rarity: Say, Spike, what was Author talking about earlier when he mentioned those magazines?

Spike: Oh, um, you see-

Author: Spike has an absolutely breathtaking collection of-

Spike: Rainbow! Press the button!

(Rainbow, in an act of mercy, presses the button and the TV turns off with a blip) Next Chapter: Airshipping is Magic Estimated time remaining: 4 Hours, 18 Minutes