Greetings, fellow equine enthusiasts. It is I, RatherHomely, returning from my lengthy absence.

And look at that, it doth appears to me to be the start of 2013. A year full of possibilities, of hope, and, of course, riffs! It's also roughly the one year anniversary of "Mystery Pinkie Pie Theater 3000". Hooray and all that?

So, how to celebrate my return and the anniversary (Bow down and celebrate me, peons!)? "Why me," I said to myself, "You have to do something big, you have a list of requests that you've barely touched, and you're horribly out of practice. What can you do to address all of these points? A month of riffs! ... Just make sure to do some riffing ahead of time so you don't die of riffing overload."

So, welcome to Riffuary! (Januriff? Janriffuary?) For each day this month I'm going to post a brand new riff for all to enjoy! Or hate. Your choice.

Today's entry, Given to Fly, is a gore story that seems to believe that Dash has the anger management skills of toddler that's missed its nap. It's not too strong of a fic, with Rainbow Dash going off the deep end of characterization. She kinda just... snaps. The only good quality this story has is is making me chuckle out how bad it is. You can read the original here.

Also, on another note, I'm excepting guest submissions and riffing requests again.

Guest submissions should be written on a Google drive doc , publicly accessible, and the link be sent to me. If you have a better way to send it to me, contact me via PM.

Riffing requests should be sent to me via PM. I'm not going to accept requests that originate from the comments on the blog or comments on the story as, from past experience, that proved difficult to keep organized. Requests may be of any genre or quality (I believe anything can be riffed), but I will not accept requests for stories lasting more than 15,000 words long. If the story has multiple chapters, you may request specific chapters in order to meet this requirement. You may also request specific ponies to riff the story, but this is entirely optional.

For those who sent me a request during my hiatus, if you could resend the request I'd be really grateful.

Alright kids, take a seat, get your shot glasses ready, and let's get started!

Enjoy!

Twilight: (opens door dramatically) Quick, we need to- (looks at Author who is leaning over a tray with a squirrel in the process of being dissected)

Author: Um... Okay, this may sound a little nuts, but I can explain.

Squirrel: Save me...

Twilight: Look you can explain later, we've got to go!

Author: What, why? (to squirrel) We'll finish later.

Rarity: (rushes in) Don't just stand there, Pinkie's- What's with the squirrel?

Author: Would you believe that this is something fanfiction related?

Rarity: Sadly enough, yes. Yes I would.

(doors swing shut and lock)

Pinkie Pie: (from TV) Oh goodie! I almost missed you three! We're gonna have lots of fun today!

Author: Crap! Not another riff! Twilight, why didn't you warn me?!

Twilight: (sighs) What do you have today, Pinkie?

Pinkie: (from TV) Rainbow?

Rainbow Dash: (from TV) Today's prank is a tragedy starring yours truly. After a Applejack gets the ability to fly, apparently she's amazing enough to beat me in about five minutes. Which, I should note, is totally not possible! No pony can beat me!

Rarity: Didn't Fluttershy beat you that-

Rainbow Dash: We don't talk about that. Ever.

(buzzer sounds)

All: We've got story sign!

Given to Fly

Rarity: I think I'm given to run screaming from this story.

It was a cool spring day in Equestria and the Cabin Fever games were well underway.

Rarity: The winner gets a free vaccination.

Twilight: I don't think it's THAT kind of fever...

Author: Hey awesome idea; a Hunger Games-Cabin Fever cross over.

The games, of course had different divisions for the different species.

Twilight: Racism; because it works.

It was a fairly big competition, so everypony always tried their best.

Author: If it was a small competition they'd all just dick around.

This year however the stakes were especially high

Rarity: In demand, due to the increased number of vampire sightings.

. Princess Celestia herself had declared that the winner of each bracket would receive one minor wish.

Twilight: What constitutes minor?

Author: "Princess, can you get rid of my diabetes?"

Rarity: "Nope, too major."

Twilight: "Princess, I have a cold."

Rarity: "YOU ARE NOW HEALED!"

Author: The princess is an ass.

With an offer like that every pony, no matter how unlikely, was in the competition.

Rarity: Amazing how greed motivates ponies.

Of course Rainbow Dash, Equestria's little speedster,

Author: Rainbow Dash stars in; "Speed Racer".

was out in full force and doing remarkably well. The real story, however, was Apple Jack.

Twilight: Thank you for letting us know what the fake story was. I don't think I could've told the difference.

The little pony that could was off to a cold start,

Author: But once the competition heated up, she became all fired up about putting the others on ice! (Twilight and Rarity face-hoof.)

but with a little confidence boost from Dash she was on the fast track to victory!

"...Aaaaaaaaaand next up in the earth pony long jump is APPLE JACK!" Pinky's voice rang through the stadium. "Who would've thought she could have done so well after her poor start!"

Rarity: The narration, I suppose.

The stadium came alive

Author: Run! It's Stadium-Zilla!

with the roar of applause and chanting, but Applejack being the earthy girl she is waved for them to quiet down as she trotted to the line.

Twilight: Who asks the crowd to be quiet?

Author: That's like a football player yelling at his fans to shut up.

She breathed deep as the stadium quieted down. She was off.

Her hooves echoed

Rarity: Echoed.

Twilight: Echoed.

Author: Echoed.

as they hit the hard clay acceleration lane. She hit the line and leapt for all she was worth.

Twilight: How much? Forty bits, perhaps?

Rarity: I'd say thirty.

"THAT'S IT! SHE'S BROKEN THE EARTH PONY RECORD!

Twilight: "But the Pegasus record for the long-jump, remains, not surprisingly, intact."

That means she earns another 10 points and clinches the division!" Pinkie was shouting other things, but nopony could make it out.

Of course other events were going on, but

Rarity: They're not important to the plot.

Applejack was in her own little world, drunk on the sweet nectar of final victory, at least until the ending ceremony.

Author: Just wait till the next morning. It's going to be one helluva hangover.

Apparently dash had come in third behind two Wonderbolts, but Twilight sparkle had taken first and stood beside her good friend.

Twilight: ... Wait, I came in first for the flying division?

Author: This was your first time, too! Pretty good for a beginner!

Rarity: This is o time to gloat! The writer of this story needs our help! He obviously has a horrible name-capitalization phobia!

"I can't believe it!" Sparkle squealed "I WON!"

Twilight: I DON'T squeal! (Rarity and Author exchange glances.)

Rarity: ... Sure you don't, Twilight.

"Well gosh Twi, I knew you could do it, nopony's better with magic than you! Oh shh shh shh!"

Author: You mean, "shit shit shit"?

Celestia walked up to the winners podium. The three stood there in awe of their sun goddess with a strange mix of self pride and reverence.

Twilight: "Ugh... My emotions feel queasy..."

"You have each proven yourselves to be shining examples of pony kind. You're an inspiration to all ponies everywhere."

Rarity: "Except you, Rainbow Dash. You came in third, so you, pardon my French, suck."

She then started to give out the prizes.

Author: They all got "I Won Cabin Fever Day and All I Got Was this Lousy T-Shirt" shirts.

The Wonderbolt was up first, and though he was normally charismatic, when it came to asking this special filly out, well, he didn't have the nerve.

Author: He's hitting on Celestia? Call me ignorant, but is that normal?

Twilight: He's referring to his wish, idiot.

Author: Oh... Still I'd love to see that. NEW FANFIC IDEA! SOARIN' X CELESTIA! A MILLION LIKES! IS PERFECT!

He whispered in Celestia's ear.

Author: (typing) "Soarin' began to whisper sweet nothings into Celestia's ear..."

Rarity: Stop.

"The courage to ask her out you say?" Asked Celestia.

He nodded.

Celestia giggled a bit. "Granted. Now go get her Romeo, she's been waiting a long time." Celestia smiled as he took off like a jet

Author: It must have took forever for him to get moving, what with all the flight delays.

to a far off section of the bleachers.

Rarity: I knew it! His true love is the bleachers! How romantic!

"And, what of my prized student, who has made me so proud?" She asked Twilight

Author: "I wish for a period at the end of this sentence."

"I don't know Princess, may I save it for later, when I've had time to think?" She said in her usual quizzical tone.

Twilight: I do NOT usually speak in a quizzical tone! (Author and Rarity exchange glances.)

Rarity: Er... Sure, Twilight. Sure.

"Why, of course. Go now, your friends would like to congratulate you."

"Thank you!" Twilight shouted over her shoulder as she trotted away.

"Appleja-" The princess didn't even have time to say her name before the excited little filly chimed in.

Author: Okay, call me ignorant again, but is Applejack really that small?

Rarity: I... don't think so. I've always thought of her is regular size.

"Wings."

"Oh, wings....To fly with?"

Twilight: No, wings to swat mosquitoes with.

"Yes marm! I'd love to fly SO much!"

Author: ... The writer does realize "marm" is a British term of respect, right?

Twilight: What, didn't you know Applejack speaks with a British accent?

"Granted. You'll live as a Pegasus for one year."

"One year?!" Applejack cried. "Why I thought it'd be shorter! THANK YOU SO MUCH!"

Author: "Thanks for not actually granting my wish and giving me wings permanently!

"Be ready, this will hurt for a while." Celestia's horn glowed with magic.

"OH!, woah nelly!" Apple Jack shouted

Author: I thought she was British?

as the flesh on her back rolled a bit then started parting to make way for the wings underneath.

"Big Macintosh!" the princess called out. "Come take your sister home, she needs the rest."

Big Macintosh came up to the stage and picked up his sister and slung her over his back.

Rarity: (laughing) It's nice to see Big Macintosh treating his sister so carefully!

"Take good care of her." Celestia told the work horse.

He looked up at her brimming with pride. "Eeeeeyup!" He started carrying her home.

Applejack knew she was going to miss the after party, but she didn't care. She knew pinky pie would understand.

Twilight: Um, how well do you know Pinkie Pie?

She was more focused on the dull throbbing of her back for she knew she soon would be able to fly. Just the thought made her giddy. So giddy she squirmed a bit on her brothers back. "Oh, Macintosh! Ah'm just so darn excited, this is gonna be great! Imagine, me, dash, and fluttershy in Cloudsdale!

Author: Rarity! Twilight! I can imagine it now! A world where every writer remembers to capitalize proper nouns! It's beautiful!

Macintosh looked at her with a smile... "Don't Y'all be goin away right away... Ya got year remember."

Rarity: Big Macintosh, I couldn't understand a word you just said, but I'm sure it was quite wise.

Twilight: Eeyup.

"True, but ah just can't wait!" She shouted, regrettably right in his ear.

The day grew long and Applejack lay in the barn, as she often did when the weather got nice.

Twilight: I'd think she'd work when the weathers nice, but I suppose that's just me.

She tried to sleep as the amber waves of the sun drifted behind the hills,

Author: The sun's waves are fossilized tree resin?

but the pain kept her up so she made her way outside to watch Luna bring the moon up over Ponyville. She smiled and thought about visiting her later. Her eyes grew heavy and she nodded off, ready for the next day. She would spend all night dreaming of living carefree like dash.

Rainbow Dash: (from TV) Hey my life is NOT carefree!

Rarity: Oh really?

Rainbow Dash: (from TV) Yeah! Sometimes I have to kick a cloud! Other times I shift a cloud slightly to the right! And the worst part is when I need to shift positions mid nap!!

Twilight: (monotone) Oh, you poor Pegasus. However do you do it?

The next morning all the aches were gone. She knew dash had already made plans with her to give her lessons that day when she was done clearing clouds, but she just couldn't wait.

Twilight: Ah, yes, I'm sure Dash made those plans when... Wait, when did they have time to make plans?

"h'ok, it can't be that hard ah just flap em like this righ?" In a few moments Applejack was airborne, only just. She made the mistake of attempting to steer herself like a bicycle

Author: Because Applejack's ridden bicycles before, and definitely knows what that feels like.

and ended up slamming through the chicken coops. That wasn't about to slow her down, though, as she tried other methods of control.

All the commotion had attracted the attention of her big brother.

Author: After all, Big Brother is always watching.

"Well, what have we here?" He chuckled. "Ah thought Rainbow was gonna teach ya?"

"She was....WooooOOoooOOOOah, IS, ahhhhhhhhhh!"

*BOOF* She landed in the compost heap this time.

Twilight: So THAT'S what crashing into a compost heap sounds like!

"But, she's.....late?" She climbed out with a little help. "Dash sure makes it look easy huh?"

"Eeeeyup, you should wait for her to teach ya, but ah know y'all can be stubborn as a mule..."

"Ah'm not stubborn as a mule..." She muttered still trying to fly.

All of a sudden a blue streak came from the sky.

Author: Gasp! It's Dr. Manhattan! HE'LL teach Applejack!

"Well speak of the devil." Chuckled Macintosh.

Author: BLASPHEMY!

"Maybe you can stop yer crashin and learn fer a change."

"Ah'll stop yer crashin." Applejack said.

Twilight: Wow, witty rebuttal...

"Hey AJ, Hey Macintosh!"

"Hi,an bye, Rainbow I got orchards to tend to." Sighed Macintosh.

Rarity: Big Macintosh sounds depressed. Those orchards must really be getting to him.

"OH! Before ya go guesswhatguesswhatguesswhat?!? The Wonderbolts want ME to be a sub!"

Author: Why would they want her to be a sandwich?

Rainbow Dash: (from TV) Because I'm such a hero, that's why! (Pinkie Pie slaps Rainbow Dash.)

Pinkie Pie: (from TV) ... Sorry, you two always do that to Author. I wanted to give it a try!

"That's Amazin, sugarcube! What was it that made em come to their senses?!"

Author: "Was it drugs? Blackmail?"

"Well, ya know how I came in third and how only two Wonderbolts place better than me? That means I beat the other Wonderbolts!"

"wasn't any surprise ta me. Y'all shoulda been a full fledged Wonderbolt by now in mah pinion." Macintosh chimed in.

Rarity: I'd prefer not to go inside anypony's pinion, thank you very much.

"That's what I was sayin." Joked dash. "Well I won't keep ya, sides AJ and I got a lot to get done today.

"Eeeyup. Macintosh strode away twards the orchards.

Twilight: Big Macintosh, you don't need to tell us what you're doing as you're doing it.

"Man of few words..." Dash sighed. "He's so dreamy."

Author: Dreamy? You mean he isn't existent in real life?

Rarity: Why do I have the feeling that this writer is a fan of a certain pairing...?

"Y'all 'll excuse me if'n Ah don't find mah brother 'dreamy'." Applejack said making air quotes with her hooves.

Twilight: With her hooves? I'd say she made air periods, but that's about it.

It was a perfect day for flying. Dash had, after all been looking forward to this just as long as Applejack, so she made sure the weather was optimal.

After a bit of discussion about steering, Applejack took to the air like a duck to water.

Rarity: She waded through the air and bobbed her head into the clouds to catch and eat fish.

She spent the whole day just flying about with one of her closest friends,

Twilight: Derpy?

even learning a few cool tricks.

Author: Oh! Do a barrel-

Twilight: No.

Author: (sighs) ... Try a u-turn!

"Just how, can this day get any better?" Applejack murmured laying back on a cloud with Dash.

Rarity: If that was the last sentence of the story, that's how.

"Well.." said Dash. "You've gotten really good really quickly.... and well... In Cloudsdale tomorrow is the monthly races...I think you're good 'nuff for the Am circut."

All: NO.

Twilight: She's literally JUST started flying. It's impossible that she'd be that good that quickly.

Rarity: Don't be so hasty to judge. Maybe AM stands for "Absolutely Miserable".

Applejack looked at her like she was joking. Dash turned her gaze to meet Applejack's. Applejack saw she was serious and burst into a fit of giddiness

"Y'all REALLY think so?!"

"AJ, I wrote the book on flying,

Rarity: "Flying for Dummies", by Rainbow Dash.

Author: Available at Barnes and Nobles everywhere for 9.99 plus tax.

Twilight: Oh! I don't think I've picked that up yet!

it'll be cake for you. Now go home and rest, you'll need it.

"Oh Dash ah'll make y'all proud ah promise!"

Rarity: "Did I mention I have a southern accent yet?"

Applejack rushed off to the farm to rest up.

Rarity: On that note, I need a rest. This story has "given" me a headache...

Author: I'm curious... What would you guys do if you had wings?

Rarity: My wings would be used to show off my beauty! I'd be the center of attention! I'd- (sees Twilight glaring at her) Um, I'd make sure not to overshadow all my friends. Or fly too close to the sun.

Author: Huh. If I had wings, I'd do all sorts of neat stuff.

Twilight: ... Like?

Author: When I'm taking out the trash, instead of walking, I could FLY! And instead of driving to work, you know what I'd do?

Rarity: What?

Author: Drive to work while flapping my wings in time to the music on the radio!

Rarity: Wouldn't you want to just, you know, fly to work?

Author: I can't listen to the car radio when I'm flying, idiot.

Rarity: (presses a hoof to her head) Of all the writers, why him? Um, Twilight, what would you do?

Twilight: I think I would- (stops and thinks of Not My Destiny) Nothing. I wouldn't do anything.

Squirrel: If I had wings I'd fly out of here...

Author: Oh, I completely forgot about you Mister Squirrel. You comfy?

Squirrel: NO.

Author: ... So you're okay then?

Squirrel: Author, I can see my SPLEEN!

Author: That's no biggie.

Squirrel: It's on another table!

Author: So?

Squirrel: With my HEART.

Author: And you're still alive. I must be a miracle worker!

Twilight: Author, why in Equestria are you dissecting the squirrel?!

Author: Science, of course. It's like when I throw bunnies out the window; I'm doing science.

Rarity: But why, in Celestia's name, is the poor dear still alive?!

Author: Well, Fluttershy told me-

(buzzer sounds)

All: We've got story sign!

It's Cloudsdale, 8:15 in the morning. The air is cool and crisp, fresh in the lungs and all the pegasai who have any interest at all in racing are on the tracks.

Twilight: Thank you for clarifying. I thought all the racers would be located off the racetrack.

"It's a swell day to be at the tracks in clouds dale today! We would like to welcome all veteran racers

Rarity: "And Applejack, but what are the chances she'll win?"

back! It's been a long winter and it's time to shake of the rust!"

Twilight: Pegasus wings are mechanical? Fascinating...

"That's right, Al, we'd also like to take a moment to welcome all the

Author: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, stop it! AL?! There's a pony named AL?!

Twilight: I guess so.

Author: Aren't all pony names supposed to be whimsical?!

Rarity: Well, there are exceptions.

Author: Isn't the name supposed to be based off their cutie mark or something?!

Twilight: I think I can see his cutie mark from here...

Author: What?! Let me see... Oh. Never mind. Carry on.

new racers today, especially a late entrant, the first earth pony to become a pegasus Ponyville's own APPLEJACK!"

Applejack looked to be a crowd favorite still riding off her popularity from winning the Cabin Fever Games.

Twilight: Considering she hasn't flown that much, I'd say there's a very low chance of winning.

Rarity: Probably zero percent, actually.

Author: No chance at all.

Even still, she was nervous. It felt like her heart was going to beat right out of her chest. She leaned up on the divider between the racers and spectators to talk to dash.

"Dash?" she whispered. "Ah'm so nervous, ah don think ah can do this."

Dash leaned in. "Would it make you feel better if I flew beside you?"

Rarity: Because that isn't prohibited by the rules at ALL.

"It might." Applejack still looked decidedly scared.

"All right, but ya gotta promise ta finish kay?" Dash poked her nose with her hoof tip.

Twilight: Applejack would never dream of NOT finishing kay!

"Alright." Applejack said her nerves noticeably subsided.

Let it not be said that Rainbow Dash doesn't Know her friends. She knew that putting Applejack in a situation where she had to hold to an agreement would get her to do most anything.

Author: Oh myyyyyy....

"ON YOUR MARKS!, GET SET," *PAK*

Rarity: I see, this is a race to see who can go on vacation the fastest.

Once the starting gun had been shot all the armatures were off the line in a snap.

Rarity: Wow, look at all those couches go!

Applejack was off to a rocky start, fighting for last place. One or two laps in she was doing better, holding her own in the middle of the pack bust still looking unsure.

Twilight: Impressive considering how quickly that bust is moving.

She looked over to Dash who was matching her pace the whole way. Dash gave a sympathetic look,mouthed "Remember your training" and made a little scooting motion with her front hooves.

That was all she needed, she took off like a

Twilight: Influenza.

shot.

Author: Of COURSE! You're supposed to make a scooting movement with your front hooves! It was so obvious!

Dash was almost as surprised as all the other pegasai who were bumped out of the way of this mare on fire.

Rarity: I don't think she's going quickly because she trained. She's going quickly because she just caught on fire.

It was a surprise to everypony as Applejack took the lead, but that wasn't enough for her. Applejack started picking up speed, giving Dash a run for her money.

Twilight: Right, it's not as though Rainbow can create a sonic rainboom or anything...

"Here we are in the last lap, applejack is poised to lap everypony as she takes home first place!"

All: (Face-palm/hoof)

"That's right Tim, but will she be able to beat out our unofficial entrant?"

Author: TIM?! THERE'S A PONY NAMED- (looks at cutie mark) Okay, am I the only one that finds these cutie marks to be eerily detailed?

Sure enough being as competitive as she is Applejack started trying to beat Dash.

Rarity: Because that's precisely how you want to repay the friend who was getting rid of your nerves; upstaging them at what their special talent is.

as soon as Dash caught on she swore Applejack wouldn't beat her....she couldn't.

All: That's what we've been saying!

"That's it folks Applejack is the March AM champion!"

"And what's more she beat Rainbow Dash by a nose!

"What?!" Gasped Dash, "H-H-HOW?!"

Rarity: Plot devices, Dashie. Plot devices.

"WOW Dash that really was fun... HooEE, ya say they got another'un next month?"

"Y-y-yeah." Dash said softly "fun..."

"Are y'all ok Dash?" asked Applejack

Author: Are you talking to more than one person? No? THEN DON'T USE Y'ALL.

"Errrrrrr,I......I......How?!" Dash wasn't making much sense.

Twilight: She should try cutting back on her periods.

"What's wrong with ya, Sugarcube?"

"You've only been flying for a day and a half.....HOW DID YOU BEAT ME?!" Dash looked rather distraught,

Rarity: I really think it would do this Dash good to join us in riffing the story. She's in as much disbelief concerning the plot as we are.

and it was scaring Applejack.

"Why, y'all been teachin me, a course."

Twilight: Under the assumption that you're only good at flying because of Applejack, that logically means you shouldn't have beaten her.

Author: Logic? LOGIC? We don't need no stinking logic!

Rarity: Rainbow should have tried scooting with her front hooves.

"You're not even a pegasus! HOW?! WHY?! You had to show me up DIDN'T you?!"

The spectators were dumbstruck.

Twilight: ... Are they still watching?

Author: The smart pegasus would hurry to the exit before the parking lot becomes hectic.

Rainbow dash wasn't well known for her sportsmanship, but this was way out of line, even for her.

Author: Next thing you know she'll be cutting in line! Am-I-right?! (slapped by Rarity)

Dash looked disgusted and depressed if such an expression were possible.

Twilight: I'm going to say 'no' just to be difficult.

"I'm gone." Was all she said before taking off for somewhere far removed from Cloudsdale.

Applejack stuck around for the festivities that followed, but all that night all anypony wanted to talk about was Dash's out burst. All Applejack ever told them was that she was probably under a lot of stress, and tried her best to keep the conversations from turning into Dash hate fests.

Author: Why not? They serve awesome food at Dash hate fests!

Applejack had grown tired of talking about Dash and the party was winding down so she decided to head home and call it a night.

Twilight: "From here on out, this house shall be called... 'a night'."

"Ah wonder what could have possessed that filly to act like that?

Rarity: I guess demons.

Did it really mean that much ta her?" She thought

Author: And the winner of the most ignorant and oblivious friend award goes to...

She landed by the farm gate. Even though she had wings, there were still some places she'd rather walk. As she passed the small garden

Rarity: Why would they keep a small garden on an apple tree farm?

and potting shed she felt a creepy chill run down her spine.

Twilight: Didn't she get the memo? The yearly "Chill Triathlon" is being hosted on her spine this year.

Author: 'Run, Creep, and Scare.'

"AJ." Dash's voice came from inside the barn.

"Dash?" Asked Applejack. "What in tarnation are y'all doin in mah barn?"

Author: "I live here."

Twilight: "Oh, oka-" Wait what?

Apple jack kept her distance.

"We....We need to talk." Dash's voice almost cracked as she called out to Applejack.

Rarity: That was close. We almost needed to buy her a new voice!

"Well a course we do, but why don't we do it in the house?" Applejack asked. "It's warmer in there ah rekon."

"We need to talk......Alone." Dash said solemnly.

Author: In the dark.

"Well, ah suppose..." Applejack said as she lit a lamp and carried it in.

"You can't keep doing this." Dash looked at Applejack like she was going to break into tears at any moment.

"Doin what sugarcube?" Applejack put a hoof on Dash's shoulder.

Twilight: Breaking the laws of logic.

"Flying." said dash trying to keep composure.

"What? Y'all know I can't do that... being a pegasus means it's yer job ta fly isn't it?"

Rainbow Dash: (from TV) If I was paid to just fly around randomly, I'd be set for life!

"YOU'RE NOT A PEGASUS!" Dash screamed, so loud she thought the rest of the Apple family might hear.

"B-But Ah am, Princess Celestia made me one....Member?" Stammered Applejack.

Author: Sorry, but it looks like your membership has been... (puts on shades) revoked. (kicked by Twilight)

"I DON'T CARE!" Shouted Dash again. "Anyways, if you keep it up, you'll be better than me...That can't happen."

Twilight: Captain, uncharacteristic temper-tantrum off the port bow!

Author: Brace for impact!

"Is that what this is about Dash?! Ah would'a though you of all ponies would'a been supportive." Applejack was always assertive when she thought she was helping her friends understand they were going down a bad road.

Rarity: Because Applejack is ALWAYS right.

"You're not even supposed to have wings! You're supposed to stick to being good at being an earth pony!"

Twilight: I think it's hilarious if you compare AJ to me when I was turned into an alicorn in "Not My Destiny". How long did it take for me to learn how to fly? A week?

"Well ah rekon I got these wings fer a year,Dash."

"I can't deal with that! NO!"

Author: Deal or No Deal?

"It's just one little year! Y'all 'r gonna have ta put up with it!"

"W-w-w-huh? I-I-I CAN'T! YOU CANT!"

"You can and will."

Author: So Aplejack is being an asshole and Rainbow Dash is being a whiny bitch.

Rarity: Isn't this a great story?

Dash's eyes glazed over,

Twilight: Sweet Celestia! Her eyes turned into donuts!

her ego had gotten the best of her. She tackled Applejack and pinned her wings to the floor with her hind hooves.

"YOU CAN'T" *THWACK* Dash's hoof came down on Applejack's face.

Author: Is Applejack gonna have to choke a bitch?

"I'VE BEEN WORKING YEARS TO GET THIS FAR! IT'S NOT FAIR!" Dash screamed with another sick thwack to Applejack's face.

Twilight: That thwack should really see a doctor.

"Dash! Stop! It doesn't have ta be like this!" Applejack shouted with blood spraying from her lips.

Author: It's too late! The writer has already determined the course of the plot!

"THIS IS ALL I HAVE, YOU CAN'T TAKE IT FROM ME."

Another hoof came down and Applejack's skull gave way.

"ALL" *Thud* "I've" *Thud* "GOT* *Squish*

All: ... (burst out laughing)

Author: You know you've failed at a dramatic climax when all I can do is laugh at how ridiculously over the top it is!

Dash was openly sobbing above Applejack, trying to catch her breath.

Rarity: Use a net.

"AJ?" Dash asked quietly.

"C'mon, AJ get up." She nudged Applejack's lifeless body with her hoof.

"Oh, Celestia, what have I done?!

Twilight: Cold-blooded murder. Have fun sleeping tonight!

Fin.

Rarity: Out of all the words I've read in this story, this one is my favorite.

Twilight: Seconded.

Author: Thirded. Now let's get out of here...

Squirrel: I can feel bacteria slowly invading my insides...

Author: C'mon you baby, I used some disinfectant soap. You should be fine.

Twilight: Author! Let the poor thing go this instant!

Author: What, with his stomach opened up? That's dangerous to his health!

Rarity: YOU'RE dangerous to his health!

Pinkie Pie: (from TV) Hey, um, so what did you think of the-

Author: I find that comment very offensive, Rarity. You've hurt my feelings.

Twilight: You still haven't told us what you're doing.

Author: Well, apparently, a squirrel has-

Fluttershy: (from outside the door) WHERE. IS. AUTHOR!?

Author: Gee, uh, look at the time, gotta go!

Rarity: Fluttershy...?! ... You didn't. You couldn't be so stupid.

Author: Where else was I going to find a squirrel?!

Fluttershy: (starts pounding on the door, dents the metal) RAAAAAAHHHH!

Rainbow Dash: (from TV, to Pinkie) Um, should I press the button now?

Pinkie Pie: (from TV) Are you out of your mind? That button will unlock the door! Author will be put in danger! Of course you should press the button!

(Rainbow Dash presses the button and the TV turns off with a blip. What happens to Author? That's better left unsaid...) Next Chapter: Spike's Sexual Misadventures: Chapters 1-3 Estimated time remaining: 4 Hours, 46 Minutes