The room went dead quiet.

Rarity swallowed, eyes wide, and found her voice. "A-applejack," she said, her society accent falling away. "I-I'm so sorry." Horror spread across her muzzle. "A little cider and I slip right back into the words drummed into my head growing up. I didn't know how foul a slur it was back then. You know I respect you and your mare-pairing …"

Applejack's cheeks drained of color as she looked around at her five friends' stares and lowered herself back to her seat. "Oh, road apples. I … I know you do."

Dash's muzzle wavered into a frown as she glanced between the two of them. She leaned forward. "Hey, wait, you respect mare-pairing now? Cause you never —"

"You hush, Dash," AJ said, mustering some sharpness into her suddenly weary voice. "She just apologized."

"Indeed," Rarity said. "It was never my intention to slight anypony."

Dash opened her mouth, but reconsidered and sank back into her chair, fores crossed. "Nopony. Right."

Rarity turned back to AJ. "As scandalous as the hipponian lifestyle is among the capital class, I love you as a friend, Applejack, and I have never hesitated to defend you. Please never doubt that."

"No. It's …" Applejack sniffled, the corners of her eyes shimmering. "It ain't you. I'm sorry. Ya just caught me a mite touchy tonight, is all. I've heard some things from family that oughta know better."

Pinkie slid from her seat, curling up against Applejack in a wordless hug. AJ grabbed her, clinging tightly, breathing raggedly through her nose, eyes squeezed shut. Gradually, Applejack's breaths slowed and evened out.

"Is — is everypony okay?" Twilight asked, glancing down helplessly at Slumber 101. "Should we calm down and take a break?"

"I'm right sorry, Twi," Applejack said faintly. "I don't want to break the mood. Thank you." This last was aimed at Pinkie Pie, who nodded and detached from the hug. "I'm gonna get me another cider," AJ continued, "and I hope y'all'll do me the favor of forgetting I said anything."

"Only if I can have a hug too," Dash said, stumbling over to Applejack's seat, giving Rarity a quick glance over her shoulder with narrowed eyes.

"Heh." AJ embraced her. "Don't you go getting sappy on me, you flamin' tail-tangler."

"They'll understand someday," Dash said.

By the time Dash pulled away, all five of Applejack's friends were crowding around her chair. "Group hug!" Pinkie said, and dove back into the pile.

"Aw, thanks," Applejack said, hushed, then locked eyes with Rarity: "I am sorry. You didn't deserve that."

"Applejack, you have a beautiful spirit, and I do hope you stop sullying it with unnecessary apologies."

"Heh. Fair enough. In that case —" Applejack looked around the friends encircling her — "where were we?"

"Twilight's crush on Celestia!" Pinkie said.

Twilight groaned. "We would have to jump straight back to that."

Dash's muzzle curled back up into a smirk. "Ha! So you do admit it."

"What? No!" Twilight made a little strangled noise in the back of her throat. "I mean — not yes, but …"

A smile tugged at the corner of Rarity's mouth. "Honestly, Twilight, this is simply drawing out the inevitable. You're best served either by admitting it or passing the question. We won't think less of you either way."

Twilight took a deep breath to steady herself. "Alright. I'm sorry to make a production out of this. I feel like I have to share it with somepony, but despite the equivalent of three-and-a-half licks of salt working their way through my digestive system — which given the time since first ingestion, should be producing mild sensations of vertigo and euphoria, a disregard of ordinary social inhibitions, an intensified experience of connectedness, and increased appetite — I'm terrified. Part of me thinks that there's no way any good could come of even allowing myself to think these things. Another part of me recalls from my pegapsychology readings that policing my brain in an effort not to think bad thoughts is a prescription for madness." Twilight paused. "… Am I rambling?"

"You're rambling," Dash said, then grinned. "Go on. It's adorkable."

Twilight levitated an empty shotglass, staring at it thoughtfully, then set it down with a decisive thump. "No. I can do this. I-if —" she closed her eyes — "if rutting were required to save Equestria …"

The others exchanged knowing glances.

"Without hesitation … I would ask … Princess …" Her voice cracked.

"Yes, yes," Rarity said encouragingly.

"… Luna."

"Luna?" five voices chorused.

Twilight dropped her muzzle, staring pointedly at the table, cheeks burning.

"You're kidding, right?" Dash asked. "Seriously, you've got such a ladyboner for Celestia that you could walk down the street and have ponies mistake you for a stallion."

"There's a little shrine to her on your dresser," Applejack added.

"Twilight …" Rarity considered her words while she took a sip of cider. "You squeal like a filly every time Spike belches a letter. I do not wish to cheapen your feelings for the Night, but are you quite certain you're being … entirely honest with yourself?"

"What are you saying?" Twilight asked. "That I should want to … to rut —" forming the word in her mouth as if it were coated with bitterroot — "with my teacher?"

"That you do," Dash said, "and everypony but you knows it."

"Oh no. No no no." Twilight shook her head emphatically. "Dash, she's the Living Sun. She singlehornedly runs Equestrian civil society. She's thousands of years old and the scholar of record in 22 of Canterlot University's 31 degree programs. If I recategorized the library by author her works would fill three bookshelves. I can't even think of her in a sexual sense. It would be like … like wanting to make love to the Moona Lisa."

Applejack's brow furrowed. "But the Moona ain't Celestia, she's —"

"No, no," Twilight interrupted. "The painting. It's an analogy. Look at her and it's a frozen moment of perfect equinity, but try to touch her and it's all fragile little daubs of pigment on canvas. I couldn't lay a hoof on it without ruining it and depriving Equestria of a national treasure."

"Oh."

"So instead you would make love to the actual Moona Lisa," Rarity said. "There's an irony for you."

Twilight looked at her uncertainly. "I, um, think the analogy just broke down."

Rarity shook her head. "Princess Luna before her ascension, darling. Surely, since her return, you must have noticed the resemblance?"

"Oh." Twilight's eyes widened. "Oh!"

"So, um, if you don't mind me asking … why Luna?" Fluttershy said.

"She …" Twilight floated her mug over to the jug of salt water on the side table and poured herself a refill. "She reminds me a lot of me, I think." Twilight allowed herself a smile. "She's smart, really smart. And good at magic. She's a little awkward with ponies, but we got along well on Nightmare Night." The unicorn giggled. "She's the only one who understood my costume. And her mane's so beautiful … well, her, really, the whole way she carries herself." Twilight's eyes drifted, and her voice got subdued. "Besides, if we were talking about saving Equestria … she deserves it, don't you think? Everypony's still so afraid of her, but after she helped save the world they couldn't help but treat her differently."

"Twilight," Rarity said, smiling in surprise. "How remarkably noble of you! Even in these private fantasies, you're thinking of how to help others. I'm humbled."

"It's … just her, I think. She feels real somehow, you know? She raises the moon but she doesn't feel so effortlessly above everypony the way Princess Celestia does. She's amazing. If she weren't a princess she's exactly the sort of pony I'd look for in a mate."

"Well, how come ya don't ask her, then?" Applejack said. "Cadence bein' a princess didn't stop your brother."

Twilight's horngrip on her mug went shaky mid-sip, tilting a little too far and spilling salt water down her neck.

"It's not just that she's royalty," she said urgently as she set down her mug and grabbed a towel. "She's Princess Celestia's sister."

"Huh?"

"I think I understand," Fluttershy said. "Because you're so close to Princess Celestia, a relationship like that could make everything awfully strange."

Twilight's face fell into deep worry. "Even her knowing that I feel this way could ruin things forever. I shouldn't be thinking such things while I'm Celestia's student … while I'm the Element of Friendship. I can afford a little silly imagination while I'm intoxicated —" she glanced at Applejack — "as long as you keep me away from Spike and my scrolls — but I can't let this interfere with my responsibilities. I just can't."

The table went quiet for a moment, ponies staring down into their drinks.

Pinkie broke the silence. "What about you, Applejack? Who would you do to save the world?"

"Pink Lady," Applejack said immediately, "and anypony who don't like the idea of being saved by hipponians can go leap in manure."

"Hear, hear," Rarity said, raising her mug. Around the table, mugs and shotglasses lifted, and six ponies drank.

"I haven't seen much of her," Dash said, "just at that one Apple Family reunion she came overseas for, but I know you two would make a good couple." She grinned. "She'd be a good femme for you. Add some froo-froo to your bedroom. Girls like us need some froo-froo, and we're not getting it outta Rarity without growing danglies."

Rarity rolled her eyes. "I dare say, Rainbow, tonight's drinking has made you even more obnoxious than usual."

"I just tell it like it is."

"At least you have the grace to pretend manners while you're sober. The crudeness of your language right now could cause construction workers to flee in terror."

"Hey! You haven't even heard crude."

"Says the pony who we had to rein in via the institution of a special rule."

"Yeah, well, I haven't said 'fuck' once since —"

"You said it again!" Pinkie crowed, leaping.

"Mmmmrhpmrmbl!"

Rarity's muzzle curled into a triumphant smirk. She took a quiet sip of cider.

"Before y'all get into a permanent state of lip-lock," AJ said drily, "we haven't heard either of your ruttin' partners yet, and I'll be darned if we're gonna let you get too distracted to answer your own question."

Pinkie broke off the kiss, leaving Dash gasping for breath, and bounced back into her seat. "Oooh, you're right, it's my turn!" she said, eyes lighting up. "Yay!"

"So, let me guess," Twilight said, "the 'Saving Equestria' honor goes to the pegasus you've been trying to get into bed for the past month?"

"Well, of course I'd rut with Dashie," Pinkie said. "I don't need the excuse of saving the world for that!"

Rainbow grinned. "I guess I'm just that good of a kisser."

"When you're drunk," Pinkie said, rubbing noses with Dash.

"We've kissed sober. … Haven't we?"

"You're a good kisser when you're drunk."

Dash tried to parse that for a few seconds, then frowned. "Well, heck, balloons. We oughta fix that next time I'm sober, then." She sighed. "I'm sorry. I probably haven't been a real good friend, sober. But once I've gotten a few drinks in me, it's like," she made a vague gesture with a hoof, "fuck her, y'know? I can look at you without thinking about …" Dash trailed off, then snorted angrily and took a huge swig of moonshine. "Why the fuck are we talking about this? Fuck her, seriously, fuck gryphons, and … Pinkie, stop kissing my mane."

Pinkie grinned maniacally. "You kept saying it, but I didn't want to interrupt. Now I don't have to!" She lunged forward and clamped her muzzle around Dash's.

"Mmmf!" Dash protested, then relaxed into the earth pony's embrace, her eyes fluttering closed. One forehoof curled around Pinkie's body, straying downward to tease at the edges of her cutie mark. Pinkie squeaked — the sound muffled by the kiss — and closed her own eyes, pressing her body in closer.

Twilight leaned over to Applejack, muzzle reddening. "Is this the way most adult slumber parties go?" she whispered.

"This ain't nothing about the party," AJ whispered back, shifting to lean on the table with her back to the pair. "It's just Pinkie Pie."

"Rainbow," Fluttershy said, staring pointedly into her shotglass, "I don't think you should feel guilty at all. You did the right thing. I don't think Gilda was being a very good ladyfriend to you."

"Mmmrrf," Rainbow said, bringing a hoof up to Pinkie's muzzle and gently pushing her away. "You're right, Flutters. She wasn't. I'm over her. I am. It's just …"

"It's difficult," Rarity said, rotating her mug in her horngrip. "Very difficult. When somepony you care for turns out to not be who you thought they were."

Dash looked suspiciously at Rarity for a moment, but allowed herself to let out a long breath. "… Yeah. And when you're not quite who you thought you were, when the chips come down."

Pinkie smiled, ruffling Dash's mane with a hoof. "You're Dashie, silly. Who else could you be?"

"Can we, like, not talk about this anymore?" Dash said quietly.

Pinkie's smile receded. "I'm sorry."

Rainbow sighed. "No. Don't be. I just …" She swallowed, voice growing faint. "I could be the pony who fought with Gilda right before she left. I don't want to do that to you."

"You won't."

"I have. A couple of times, with ponies I really thought I cared about." Dash curled up in her chair, ears flattening. "You're my best friend, balloons. Like, the best that I've ever had. It terrifies me to think that I could wreck that, the same way I have with every other rutting buddy. So I'm not going to start anything with you unless I know I can get it right."

Rarity looked up from her mug. "That's … surprisingly romantic."

"Screw you too, Rary," Dash snapped back.

"Rainbow." Rarity frowned. "That was a compliment, believe it or not."

"Oh."

"Wanting the best for those you make love to speaks to a strength of character I hadn't expected you to possess."

"Hey, I'm the Element of Loyalty," Dash said defensively. "I'm not going to hurt my friends."

"She's right, Dashie! It's sweet," Pinkie Pie said, leaning back in to nuzzle Rainbow's cheek. "It's like giving me a present I have to unwrap first! Which is silly, because I already know who's inside, but I can pretend like it's a surprise, which makes it a fun game, almost as fun as the one where I get to kiss you whenever you say 'fuck' which I think we're going to have to do all the time now, except for in the middle of avalanches because that makes it kinda hard to reach you to get my kiss unless I'm allowed to pounce you later which would make this a little unfair because then we'd have to kiss for HOURS to make up for all the avalanches you've been through because really you get potty-mouthed around big rocks, except for Tom."

Applejack stared dumbly, then reached up and rubbed her eyes with her hooves. "I reckon I oughta slow down on the cider. I understood about three words of that."

"I am horrified to report that it made perfect sense," Twilight said. She blinked, and her gaze slid over to her mug. "An intensified experience of connectedness! Of course!"

Applejack rolled her eyes, chuckling. "Still an' all, I gotta know, Dash. I get that you wanna do right by Pinkie before you rut her … but what if Equestria were at stake? Would ya?"

"Err," Dash stalled, looking alarmed.

"Hey!" Pinkie said, head whipping around. "You're not trying to skip my turn, are you?"

"What?" Applejack asked, confused. "Pinkie, you already told us you'd rut with Dash whether or not it'd save the world."

"But that wasn't my answer!"

"It wasn't?" Dash took a turn looking confused.

"Of course not, silly!" Pinkie beamed. "I'd do everypony!"

Dash stared at Pinkie. "What," she said weakly.

"Well, not all at once!" Pinkie stopped, then brought a hoof to her chin. "Possibly. It depends on the crisis."

Applejack coughed. "Pinkie … even for you, that seems kinda … excessive."

Pinkie smiled. "How come?"

"Darling," Rarity said, "how can I put this delicately … I understand that you disagree on the necessity of love as a component of the sexual act, but for you to say that you have no standards at all would suggest a frightening lack of intimate ethics, which I hope you did not intend to imply."

"Standards?" Pinkie sounded confused.

"Wouldn't you, um, want to find somepony special to, um. Fuck. With?" Fluttershy asked.

"We are talking about saving the world here," Twilight added.

Pinkie brightened again, turning to Twilight. "Oh, you do get it! For a second there all of you sounded a little confused."

Applejack and Twilight exchanged glances. "Believe me, sugarcube, we are."

"Maybe you could just explain?" Twilight asked.

"Okay!" She grabbed a mug, two shotglasses, and an apple. "Let's say that this mug is Equestria, and —"

"Without the visual aids," Twilight interrupted, getting flashbacks to the aftermath of the last demonstration.

"Okay!" Pinkie drew in a deep breath.

"No singing!" Applejack, Dash, and Rarity chorused.

Pinkie frowned, but the expression didn't last long. "It's like Twilight said! This is about saving Equestria. It doesn't matter how much you like somepony if they won't be around later because things got unsaved! It would be really special to save the world with Dashie —" she drew Rainbow back into a hug — "but it's not like I'm going to not save everypony just because I can't find her. And what if she's in Canterlot watching the Wonderbolts or something? So, if all it took to save Equestria was rutting with somepony, I'd just grab the closest one who said yes, and then I have all the time I want for kisses with Dashie later."

Twilight raised a hoof and opened her mouth to speak, then reconsidered. She picked up her notebook and counted the tallies.

"Oh," Rarity said faintly.

"Now I feel kinda guilty I didn't think of it like that," Applejack said.

"Yeah," Fluttershy said.

"Oh, good," Twilight said. "That really does make perfect sense. It's not just the salt."

"Gotta admit, balloons, you had me freaked out for a second there," Dash said. "But you're right. It's not about who you would fuck, is it? It's about who you wouldn't."

Pinkie kissed Dash on the nose. "Maybe it is!"

"But is there not room for some standard?" Rarity asked. "I mean, given the entire population of Equestria arrayed in front of you, surely we must all agree there are some ponies who even you would decline."

"Hmm." Pinkie tapped her chin. "I like Equestria an awful lot, and I like rutting, so … I'm pretty sure, no."

"A one-year old foal?" Rarity asked, muzzle crinkled in distaste.

"Well, of course not," Pinkie said, looking insulted. "Foals and colts and fillies don't count. This is about rutting — about both ponies agreeing to have grown-up fun. Not …" Pinkie waved a hoof uncomfortably. "You know."

Twilight grimaced. "Yeah, I don't want this discussion going there, either. Let's assume informed and meaningful consent from both your adult partner-to-be and yourself."

"I am quite alright with that," Rarity said.

"But, seriously, you'd fuck any adult who said yes?" Rainbow asked, looking around for her mug and then staring unsteadily at its empty bottom.

"Yep!" Pinkie said, craning her head around the mug to kiss Dash's cheek.

"Granny Smith," Rainbow challenged.

"Dash!" Applejack said.

Pinkie shrugged. "To save Equestria? Sure."

"Well, I sure wouldn't!" AJ said. "What's wrong with you two?"

"Hey, I didn't say I would," Dash said. "I was just asking."

"I'm sure she didn't mean any insult by it," Twilight cut in. "Everypony has different limits. For another example, Fluttershy would rut with Big Macintosh, but even to save the world nopony would expect you to rut with your own brother."

AJ stared at Twilight. "N-no," she said with a hint of a stammer, breaking eye contact to find her mug. "Of course not."

"And everypony would expect Twilight to do Princess Celestia," Pinkie added, "but she still wouldn't."

Twilight's muzzle flushed. "Now, that's not fair," she mumbled. "If we're talking about something I had to do to save the world — if there was no other choice —"

"Nuh-uh," Dash said, chuckling. "No cop-outs, Twi. You said yourself, meaningful consent from both of you."

"W-well … I-I'd … that is …"

Dash leaned forward with a predatory grin. "You think she'd share you with her sister, the same way they share the skies? Get some hot princess three-way going?"

Twilight shrank back from the table, flattening against her chair back as if pinned, her entire face hot. "I … uh …" she said faintly.

"Dash." Rarity's voice cut in, clear and piercing, dripping with disapproval. "You stop that this instant. Matters of the heart are not simple questions, and she should be able to consider them without your appalling tactlessness."

"Lighten up, Rary," Dash said breezily. "It's a silly question about saving the world with rutting. It's not like it's going to hurt her to think about it. It's all in good fun."

Rarity narrowed her eyes. "If the question is so harmless, little miss foulmouth, why don't you tell us whether you would rut with Gilda."

Rainbow's smile vanished. She shot to her hooves, kicking her chair back, where it toppled to the floor. "Fuck you!" she shouted, roughly shoving Rarity in the shoulder. "Fuck you I would, little miss romantic princess. To save Equestria? Without a second thought, I would. I'd do that thunderfucking bitch, and the instant I was done I'd buck her in the face."

Fluttershy squeaked and dove under the table. "Dash —" Pinkie said, eyes wide, rooted to her chair.

Applejack — who had leapt from her own chair the instant Rainbow started moving — shouldered roughly in between the two. "Alright, Dash, you're out of line."

"Fuck you I'm out of line, after what she's been saying all evening —"

"This ain't about Rares." AJ frowned. "You don't treat friends like this."

Dash bared teeth. "I see how it is. She makes nice with you, so everything's my fault, huh?"

"I'm sorry, Rainbow," Rarity said placatingly, but AJ and Dash ignored her. The others exchanged glances, uncertain how to respond.

AJ leaned in. "Sure looks like it, if you're gonna fly off the handle just for gettin' called out —"

"Oh, you are not defending Gilda!" Dash shouted, wings flaring out. "Don't you —"

Applejack's eyes widened. "I never —"

"— dare say her name —"

"— mentioned Gilda. Sun almighty, Dash! What's wrong with you?"

Rainbow screamed incoherently and threw a hoof at Applejack's face.