The pre-dawn was cold enough to chill a pony’s bones.

Rainbow Dash landed on the cabin’s roof and was shocked when she almost slipped off of the iced surface. Tossing one last snort at the frosted slope, she glided to the earth where nothing would betray her hooves. As she floated down along the cottage wall, she sought to peek in through the foggy window at her friends, who were no doubt sleeping soundly through the predawn. She couldn’t see them through the misted window.

Finding her way back to the shed behind the cabin, Rainbow Dash returned to the large supply of firewood. The logs were thrice Dash’s length and too cumbersome to be brought in easily, but the pegasus didn’t care as she seized the topmost one off the stack. Months of rivalry with Applejack had served her well, easing the strain of dragging the heavy length across the sludge and dirt. Though her strength prevailed, her hooves could only grip vaguely at its surface, and without all four legs on the ground, her pulling power was reduced. More than once her cargo slipped out of her grasp.

Few pegasi could boast Rainbow Dash’s fitness. She was barely panting when she got the huge log to the fireplace.

Once she was done congratulating herself on being awesome, she realized the log would never fit into the pit.

Her breathing was growing heavy when she finished pulling the log back to the shed and shoving it onto a worktable. Still she was confident that she could have repeated the feat several times before needing a rest.

A little exercise would only help her. She was determined that her friends wake to the warmth of a fire, and not from the noise of her work.

Staring at the log, she focused her inner chi and found balance and peace in her surroundings. Few would believe that brash and boisterous Rainbow Dash would have mastered the structured and focused art of Karate. It was however, a necessary contrast from her frantic and fast-paced life that she cherished.

Her body and mind met and concurred that she was ready. Faster than the eye could blink, her hoof slammed down on the waiting log.

Her flesh went numb from the impact. Rainbow could only enjoy the lack of sensation for a moment before it was replaced with pain.

“Oww,” she whimpered. A tear fell down her cheek.

The log had barely been dented.

Her frustration at her failure came with the relief that nopony else would witness her shame. There was nothing left to do but crawl back into her bed before anypony else awoke, and pretend she had never gotten out of bed.

When she turned to leave she noticed the wood axe hanging on the inside of the door.

Twenty minutes and an aching mouth later, Rainbow was carrying a manageable load of firewood back into the cabin on her back. It was secured with a thick rope, which she had scavenged from within the shed, once she had remembered that paying attention can be helpful.

She brought her prize to the fireplace in the common room and stacked it in a neat rectangle in the middle of the pit.

She flitted back to a chair and sat, waiting.

After a few minutes she began tapping a hoof on the floor.

She didn’t have to do this. The familiar joy of sleeping in past noon was loads better than working her hooves raw to kickstart a fire. Working the weather of Equestria meant a life of flying amidst the freezing clouds and even resting her haunches on them, never wearing more than her own fur coat. She didn’t get cold.

Her friends weren’t nearly as radical as Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy in particular was a wuss. They needed her.

Rainbow toiled for her friends. She didn’t need their gratitude. She just didn’t want them to get cold.

She eventually returned to the fireplace, scooped up the chopped logs, and rearranged them. They now leaned against each other in a pyramid-like structure. Dash returned to her chair and watched them impatiently.

She decided to try stacking them in a pony shape. As she returned to the fireplace to undo her work, Fluttershy spoke from behind her.

“Oh, good morning Rainbow Dash. I didn’t expect you of all ponies to be up this early.  But I’m really glad you are.”

Still focused on her work, Rainbow didn’t turn around.

Fluttershy began nuzzling her shoulder, which caused the pony-shaped stack of wood to collapse just as it was nearly complete.

“Are you making a fire for everypony? Oh Rainbow that’s so thoughtful of you. I think that’s the best thing about you, you’re always looking out for your friends.”

Rainbow cleared her throat grumpily.

“Oh no, am I bothering you? I’m so sorry, I’ll just let you work and we can talk when you’re done. If you want to, I mean.”

Rainbow Dash completed the stack for the third time and returned to her place, leaving the chair for Fluttershy. The other pony ignored it in favor of snuggling up against Rainbow.

“I was worried we wouldn’t get any time to ourselves,” said Fluttershy, adding a pleasant purr to her meek voice. “Not that I don’t like spending time with everypony else, of course, but all this business about us being ponynapped is so disconcerting. I can’t even pretend to understand why the princess is doing this.  You don’t think she’ll break us up, do you?”

“Nah,” said Rainbow gruffly. “To do that she’d need the royal guard, Princess Luna, and the Wonderbolts.  And it still wouldn’t work.”

Fluttershy giggled. “When you say it like that, I believe it. We’ll just fake it until she lets us go I guess.” She leaned her head against Dash’s shoulder. “It’s going to be hard pretending though, even if it’s only in front of her.”

“Uh-huh,” agreed Rainbow Dash, who was still fixated on the fireplace.

She felt Fluttershy’s muzzle against her neck and touched her yellow face. Fluttershy let out an agreeable murmur, but her face was soon nudged away. Dash scooted away and resumed her vigil on the listless pile of wood, not seeing the hurt look on Fluttershy’s face.

“Do you want to umm... go flying later?” Fluttershy asked through obvious hesitation.

“Nah,” grunted Rainbow Dash. “I’d rather train on my own.”

“Sorry, you already told me that. Still, maybe we could umm... spend some together later? Maybe?”

“What would we do?”

“Well... we could go on a nature walk and make friends with all the cute little animals.  I’ve never been in these woods before, and I’d feel much safer if you were there to protect me.”

“Don’t you still have that restraining order or something?”

“Oh that’s right. It won’t expire for another two months, and that’s assuming the Bunny Coalition can’t get it renewed.”  After Fluttershy’s misbehavior at the Gala, the woodland creatures in the royal gardens had brought a suit against her in royal court. Though they were successful in completely disbarring the pegasus from animal stewardship, Princess Celestia had intervened and amended the court’s ruling so that the Element of Kindness could at least continue her practice within Ponyville limits.

“Well, maybe just a romantic walk then?”

“I’d rather fly,” said Rainbow Dash, still not looking at her.

“Well,” said Fluttershy, in what began in a seductive tone. “We could always find some time alone and then umm...” At that point her squeaking had become so quiet that she was completely inaudible.

“What was that Shy?”

“It’s okay if you’re not ready, and we haven’t really discussed this before, but since we’ve been dating two months now, I was wondering if you were thinking about...” Again Fluttershy couldn’t bring herself to finish her sentence in a way that left anypony with a chance of comprehending it.

“Fluttershy can this wait? I don’t want to miss the fire igniting.”

“Sorry Rainbow! We can talk about that later... or maybe never, never’s always... wait, what?”

“Any idea how long it usually takes? I’ve probably got time for a nap if it’s going to be more than an hour.”

Fluttershy started laughing. Rainbow turned and shot her a glare.

“Oh Rainbow, I know I shouldn’t laugh but that’s not how you start a fire! I’m so sorry.”

Rainbow smirked and looked back to the wood with complete assurance. “Of course it is! You get enough dry wood in one place, and wait until the lightning hits it, either manually or through wild weather. Every year we fly over to Whitetail with a cloud and hit it with lightning to keep the overgrowth down. I spent a half hour in the air making sure the conditions were right, now I’ve just got to let whatever enchantments the unicorns put on this chimney do the work and attract that lightning.”

“Yes Rainbow,” said Fluttershy calming down and affixing a soothing tone. “You’re very well educated and a great weather pony. But Cloudsdale University is like most sky academies in that its science courses don’t teach students about ground-based phenomena. It’s getting to be a problem in our economy now that weather ponies are finding themselves unable to transfer their skills to other careers.”

Jerking her gaze away from the firepit, Rainbow Dash stared at Fluttershy, completely bewildered. “Ground... based phenomena?”

Standing up, Fluttershy approached a supply closet and pulled out a tin with a red label and a book of matches. Opening it up she scooped out a pulpy substance and began smearing it onto the firewood. “This is amadou,” she said. “It’s a natural flammable made from fungus.”

“Wha?”

“See, just put a little on the top, and then you can light it.” She plucked a match from the book. “This is a match.”

“Wha?!”

“Just strike it against the book like so...” Fluttershy followed her own instructions and lit the match with one stroke. “And here you’ve got a nice teeny little fire. Now, see what happens when you toss it in the pit.”

Fluttershy tossed the match atop the wooden pile and watched it burst into flame.

Rainbow was momentarily speechless. “That. Was. Awesome!” was all she could say at last.

Fluttershy trotted over to Rainbow Dash and closed her eyes, leaning ever so subtly forward. Rainbow began leaning forward as well, but at the sound of hooves coming down the staircase she abruptly shoved Fluttershy away, looking everywhere but at her feathered counterpart.

“And here I thought I’d be the first pony up,” said Applejack as she entered from the communal bedroom. “What are y’all up to?”

“Nothing!” Rainbow looked away with a frown. “Well I was trying to start a fire for everypony but then Fluttershy—”

“Rainbow started a fire for everypony! She’s so thoughtful, isn’t she?”

“Hah!  Good goin’ Dash.”  She trotted up to the blue pegasus and patted her roughly on the back.  “And here ah thought Shy was the only pegasus with her hooves on the floor.  We’ll make a ground-pounder out of you yet!”

“Hah, well you know me. I’m basically a genius. Besides, who needs a degree when you’re The Dash? Fires come begging to be started.”

“Modest too,” Applejack added with a chuckle. “How ‘bout I make this mornin’ complete with a lil’ breakfast?”

“BREAKFAST!” came the roar from the top of the stairs.

Before Applejack had time to react, a pink blur zipped down the stairs, and the ghaling contrails snatched the hat clear off her head. As it drifted down, Pinkie Pie paused, rewound, and swiped the stetson out thin air, placing it on her own head.

“Which one of you said food?” demanded Pinkie Pie with Applejack’s stetson perched loosely atop her poofy mane.

Applejack snatched her hat back and smiled. “C’mon, let’s go assess our pantry situation. Seein’ as you’re the only one besides me who knows how to cook, y’may as well help.”

*****

Having no place in the kitchen, Rainbow Dash let the others work their magic. Pinkie stirred up some batter while Applejack heated a griddle over the open blaze, and in no time at all the two served everypony with a heaping plate of blueberry flapjacks.

“Soup's on!” Applejack shouted up the stairs. “Git yer little white flank down here or Pinkie’s gittin’ yer share!”

Eventually, the calls managed to rouse Rarity. The mirror from afternoon floated before her, capturing her attention as she came down the stairs. “Can you not reheat them for me, dear?  I’m doing what I can, but looking fabulous with such limited supplies is difficult even for me!”

“Ain’t got the facilities,” announced Applejack cheerfully. “Eat up, and let me or Pinkie know if you want seconds.”

Rainbow Dash and the others sat down to eat, but their contented silence fell into a peculiar unease.

Rainbow cleared her throat. “So what’s the buckin’ deal anyway? The Elements of Harmony don’t work for queers? They’ve worked fine so far!”

“Well, the matter is rather simple when you really think about it,” said Rarity as she cut her pancakes into delicate little squares. “Our Princess is a politician. And we as the Elements of Harmony are tools. The six of us would be perfect pawns for an interlocked scheme of arranged marriages... but we have to become acceptable brides first, don’t we?”

“Oh no Rarity! you can’t be serious!” Fluttershy looked horrified.

“I know, that’s like six parties! That’s got to be the best news since I heard we were going to camp!”

“Sounds pretty dastardly... if that were what this is really about. The Princess is just tryin’ to get me to admit I’m gay! And it ain’t gonna work! Soon as I find the right stallion, I’m marryin’ who I choose!”

“She’s probably trying to get her revenge for Philomena— I did say that I was sorry, didn’t I?”

Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. “Nah, I’ve got a pretty good idea of what’s really going on.”

Everypony quieted down to listen to her.

“See, I’ve heard some strange rumors that I never really put much weight on. But now that we’re here it’s kind of obvious.”

The room seemed to darken as Rainbow Dash brandished her most intimidating grin.

“Princess Celestia—” here she paused “—is actually a great big futa, and she’s jealous of our adorable lesbian relationships, and how they threaten her gigantic—”

“Rainbow! Not in front of Pinkie!”

“Sorry Rare.”

Fluttershy’s wings, meanwhile, betrayed their owner and crept to an upright position. She blushed as she glanced back at them, but nopony was paying her any attention.

“So what about you Pinkie Pie?” Rainbow smirked. “I bet you’ve got some crazy theory about why Celestia’s doing all this.”

“I’ll tell you later. Right now I want to hear Twilight’s theory.”

“Oh come on. Twilight’s not going to badmouth the Princess. Right now she’s probably trying to convince herself that she’s straight and doesn’t have that crush she’s been harboring forever, just because the princess said so. If Celestia asked her student to wipe her royal flank, she’d probably ask permission to use her tongue.”

At that point Rainbow Dash noticed that Pinkie’s hoof had been pointing behind her ever since she spoke. Dash turned around.

Twilight Sparkle stood at the doorway, eyes misted over with tears.

“You’re right Rainbow Dash,” she said weakly. “I do have a lot of respect for the Princess. After everything she’s done, and everything she’s taught all of us, I can’t imagine thinking of her in any other light. Just like I can’t... can’t imagine how you all could sit here and say those things about her.”

“Ah c’mon Twilight, we’re all feelin’ a little—”

In a blast of purple magic, Twilight vanished.

“Horseapples,” spat Applejack. Rarity had already covered Pinkie’s ears in anticipation of the vulgarity.

In another moment Twilight had teleported back into the living room. “I almost forgot, I came here to tell you that when you’ve finished breakfast, Celestia has asked everypony to come to the group therapy cabin for our first session.” Before anypony could respond the unicorn had vanished once more.

“Alright,” said Applejack with a sigh. “Guess we’d better get these dishes clean and then we can—”

POOF. Twilight appeared again. “By the way Rainbow Dash, she’s not a futa. I used to sleep in her bed when I was a filly, and once I got curious and checked.”

Rainbow Dash blinked. And there it was.

“Twilight would ya just—”

SWOOF.

Sadly, the five remaining friends cleaned up and began filing out the door. Rainbow Dash was last, and once outside she found Applejack waiting for her against a backdrop of frozen wheat fields.

“We can’t take this sittin’ down Dash. I don’t know what the Princess is up to, but she’s driving us apart. Twi’s never gonna go against anythin’ she says, and it’s tearin’ her up inside. Plain as day.”

“I’m not gonna take it Applejack. I’m gonna get to the bottom of this.”

“What do we do?”

*****

Their meeting place was a clearing outside the recreation center with a great oak for shade. Despite the chill of autumn, Celestia’s presence gave the clearing the fresh warmth of spring. And despite the dim light of day, the night seemed just around the corner as Dash joined the circle.

Both princesses awaited Dash and her friends.

“I do not think I need to introduce Princess Luna,” said Celestia after everypony had gathered on the grass before her, “but redundancy is the first obstacle towards democratic reform! Joining us for today’s therapy will be the co-ruler of Equestria, Thyme’s most influential mare of the year, Equesire’s third sexiest mare alive, me being first and second, and retired night-spawned menace to civilization. Of course I like to call her ‘little sis.’”

Luna, who had been waiting to speak and staring severely ahead, opened her mouth, but was interrupted by Celestia.

“And because I wish to foster a close group mentality between us, you may call her that as well. Even though it makes no sense.”

“Hiya little sis,” said Pinkie, jumping to a sitting position from where she had been rolling around in the grass.

“GREETINGS PINKIE PIE,” said Luna, her attention converging on the pink pony. She crouched down to level their heights and spoke in a booming whisper. “Though if we might be so bold, we prefer you refer to us as—”

“The reason I called Luna here,” spoke Celestia above the blizzard, shooting a warning look at Luna. “Is to deliver and explain the use of a set of devices that will greatly aid in your treatment. Yes Twilight?”

Twilight returned her hoof to the ground. “Can we just call her Princess Luna?”

“If you must. Do you wish to proceed, little sis?”

Luna scowled and retrieved a mid-sized, unmarked box from behind the oak tree. Opening it, she brought out six identical objects that hovered towards each of them on wings of magic.  Rainbow gripped one of them in her hooves and looked it over. It was about seven or eight inches in length, with a thin metal body that tapered to a gentle point on one end. The other end had a rubber handle with a switch and various settings.

Looking up, Rainbow noticed Rarity staring at the princesses in shock and disbelief. “No.  No.  You’re not seriously going to-”

“THESE ARE THE ROYAL RE-SEXUALIZATION GADGETS!” boomed Luna. “They are completely safe, highly effective, and yours to keep! Instructions on their use are as follows...” Luna trailed off, staring in disbelief at Pinkie.

Pinkie had already switched hers on, and from the loud buzzing emanating from the object it seemed she was utilizing the highest setting.  Wielding it in her mouth she leapt upon Rarity and poked in her in the neck with the tip of the makeshift weapon, causing the unicorn to yelp loudly.

Rarity shot back a glare that could have shattered a magic force field.

“It. Is. On.” Rarity declared, and levitated her own metal rod into the air.

A quick defensive slash skillfully parried Pinkie’s next strike. Seeing Rarity’s swift checkmate, Pinkie took a step back, and raised her weapon in a toned Kenjutsu pose. Where she had learned it, Rainbow had no idea. Nevertheless, Rarity leaned forward in response, posing her blade above her head in a classic Poste di Falcone.

An active duel had erupted between the two. The two ponies stood on opposite planes of existence; one hung in uncharacteristic stillness, while her counterpart contained her emotions within an alabaster shell.

And then one of them lunged.

Rarity moved with precision, graceful curves tracing each of her motions. The two masters disappeared beneath a blur of pink and alabaster flashes. But Rarity’s timed strokes were no match for Pinkie’s wild and reckless abandon.

Soon Rarity was helpless and lying on her stomach, as Pinkie used the humming object to put gentle yet firm pressure on her withers.

Rarity cascaded into giggles. “Ooh Pinkie Pie! I surrender I surrender!” Pinkie turned off her device and began climbing off of Rarity, only to receive a cold look. “That didn’t mean stop,” clarified the unicorn.  Pinkie again dove onto Rarity’s back, and rolled her blade down the unicorn’s length, eliciting a long moan in response.

Rainbow and the others tried hard looking everywhere but into each others eyes. Fluttershy slapped her wings down.

Luna and Celestia seemed unfazed, yet keenly interested. Their speech had been interrupted, the pegasus recalled.

Rainbow turned her gaze back to the action. It didn’t matter.

“Bravo,” said Luna, her stony expression collapsing into a warm smile. “Your friends Pinkie and Rarity have expertly divined the purpose of this device.  Observe most carefully how they use these toys to engage in friendly, platonic play during which all homosexual thoughts are forgotten. PINKIE, WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED WITH HER I DESIRE A TURN!”

“Of course,” continued Celestia. “You do not require a partner to use the re-sexualization gadget. In fact, its primary purpose is... when you’re alone...” Celestia leaned closer to her audience. “Listen very carefully my ponies. The next time you feel attracted to another mare, and nopony is around to help distract you from it, I want you to keep those thoughts in your head and focus on them. As you do so, turn the gadget on to whatever setting you’re comfortable with, and apply it to the area most affected until those confusing and disturbing feelings are replaced with an utmost satisfaction.”

Twilight was taking notes and glanced up from her scroll. “Princess, what do you mean by the ‘area most affected?’

Celestia gave her student a sly smile. “You’ll understand when the time comes.”

Applejack, meanwhile, was turning her re-sexualization gadget about in her hooves, squinting at it from different angles. “Say Princess, how does this contraption work anyway? Is it gonna hurt?”

Celestia shook her head. “Of course not Applejack. While the original device applied a mild shock to achieve deterrence, Luna and I made it clear to the development teams that a product that caused pain or even discomfort wasn’t acceptable. We’ve done extensive research, both personally and among test groups of stallions and mares alike facing the very issues that you confront today. Each participant have reported immense relief after a two-week test period. It turns out that a mild pleasurable sensation can be even more effective than an electric-aversion device.”

Then Princess Celestia leaned towards Applejack and winked. “Of course, if you’ve experimented with all the settings and feel like you still need something with that little extra kick, come see me in my office. I still have the original shock-inducing prototypes.”

“So why did you give me one?” asked Twilight nervously.

Celestia sighed. “Twilight, your friends are all fags. It’s only a matter of time until they try to turn you too, and you’ll need something to defend yourself.”

“So what should I do... use it to try to beat them off? Of me?”

“Only with their consent Twilight.”

The others were snickering, but Rainbow Dash felt the blood heating in her chest as she stalked up to confront Princess Celestia.

“Hold it Princess! Why do you keep saying that? I expected better than homophobic slurs from the pony I’m trusting to rule this nation!”

“What Rainbow Dash? Oh... did you think I was... no no no, I was using that word in the archaic sense, not the modern. I would never use slang in front of my sister, it frightens her.”

“What kind of bucking logic is-”

“Attention everypony,” interrupted Celestia. “I have a grave announcement. Our intelligence reports suggest that although Queen Chrysalis and her minions were blasted into the sky, they have recently reassembled for another attack.”

Keen on the conversation, Luna raised her head. “BECAUSE SOMEPONY THOUGHT THAT SCATTERING A BUNCH OF CHANGELINGS ACROSS THE LAND WHERE THEY COULDN’T BE TRACKED AND COULD EASILY RE-INFILTRATE EQUESTRIAN SOCIETY WAS THE BEST WAY TO HANDLE THE SITUATION.” She lowered her head again with a sigh of pleasure. Both Rarity and Pinkie Pie were on her back now, driving their throbbing gadgets into her taut muscles.

“Well, I did dock Shining Armor’s pay and Princess Cadence’s royal stipend, and they’re both very sorry that they dealt with the threat in a way that didn’t actually mitigate it. But that doesn’t change the facts. Little ponies, your therapy can’t be rushed and I know the rehabilitation process takes time. But when Chrysalis pops up again, and it could be any day now, I’d really, really like there to be a great, big, heterosexual beam of magical rainbow power with which to hit her in the face.”

Celestia’s wings spread out. “No pressure though.  Anyway, I must take care of some affairs of state. Luna and Twilight are in charge until I get back. Farewell, my little ponies.”

In a streak of glorious light, Princess Celestia flew away. Rainbow lost sight of her in a mere second.

Rainbow Dash held up her resexualization gadget and waved it incredulously at her friends. “Girls, is it just me or is this whole thing really, really gay?”

Pinkie and Rarity looked up from where they were massaging Luna, and everypony save Twilight and Luna affirmed.

“Still,” said Applejack, tucking the device into her mane, “I’ll just hang on to this anyhow.  I’ve got a feelin’ that it has heterosexual applications as well.”

“No no Rainbow Dash, you don’t understand! The point of these exercises is to make us straight!” Twilight galloped about her friends and looked at each of them with increasing worry. As Twilight approached Rainbow Dash, the pegasus noticed the dark circles underneath her friend’s eyes.

“Uhh, Twilight, did you sleep okay last night?”

“Twilight, we’re all with you. And we’ll go along with what the Princess wants, seein’ as how we ain’t got much choice. But you’ve got to admit that it seems like the princess isn’t bein’ level with us!”

“Umm... did she say anything to you Twilight? You’re the one closest to her... if you want to talk about what’s going on,” said Fluttershy.

Twilight grinned. It was all teeth and no humor. “You don’t understand girls. None of you understand! The princess is not lying... sometimes she works in elusive ways, but it’s all true.”

She began pacing back and forth, consulting her notes. Her combed mane fell out of place and became unhinged. “Let’s see, uh, she must mean that, er, if we don’t all become heterosexual... then the Elements will turn us into bundles of sticks! No one’s documented extended exposure to them—who knows what will happen? But Celestia knows. She’s never wrong!”

Pinkie leaned over and whispered to Rarity. “Is Twilight gonna use mind control on everypony again?”

Rarity nodded grimly.

“Twilight!” Applejack said, putting a firm hoof on her shoulder. “Listen to yourself for a minute! We all respect Princess Celestia, but that don’t mean we shouldn’ question her behavior when it’s called for.”

Twilight shivered. “Of course you can’t question The Princess!  She’s The Princess! In the time it’s taking us to have this argument, we could all have had three heterosexual experiences instead!”

Twilight crawled over to Luna, grinning awfully with bulging eyes. “You can back me up, can’t you, Princess Luna? Nopony can argue with The Princess . . .”

“TWILIGHT SPARKLE,” said Luna with quiet ice. “QUELL THY RAMBLING AT ONCE. There are two princesses.”  Rarity and Pinkie ceased their massage and watched in horror. Luna turned their gaze on them. “That did not mean stop,” she said, her voice much kinder.

Twilight gulped and fell on her rump as she backed away from Luna. Still, she kept grinning. Alright, fine. Guess I’m all alone. I thought it might come to this. So I devised a spell to make us all straight, myself included. It’s the only way to save Equestria!”

Rainbow Dash stepped forward and confronted her friend. “Stop it Twilight!  You can’t turn to mind control every time you have a problem!”

“Of course I can, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said cheerfully as she began to froth at the mouth.  “Mind control is the solution to everything!  Hold still girls, this might sting a little!”

Twilight’s horn flashed a blinding purple, arcing out in bolts of magic that overcame vision and encroached on sanity and will.  Rainbow tried to flee but found that she couldn’t. For the briefest moment she felt an unstoppable force battering her conscious, and then—

“Haha, no,” said Luna without an ounce of humor in her voice.

In another moment the midnight goddess’s horn shone with the void of midnight, spreading icy, cackling shadows outward to lap up Twilight’s powerful magic and make rude slurping noises. The pressure stopped, and Rainbow Dash immediately felt blessed with relief.  Once no trace of Twilight’s power was left, the horde of animate shades rushed back towards it’s mistress, leaping into the princess’s horn and mane.

Twilight wavered on her hooves, visibly weakened by the summary negation of her power. “Why’d you make me stop, Princess?” she asked, still with that mad grin. “Did I do the spell wrong? Let me try again, I’ll get it right this time, I promise.”

Luna stood up.

Pinkie and Rarity both had the good sense to hop down.

The midnight sovereign sauntered over to Twilight, overpowering gaze locked on the stunned student. She stopped perhaps a foot away. While the small unicorn seemed very much as though she wanted to make eye contact, she apparently wasn’t able to visually locate Luna.

“Twilight,” said Luna quietly.

“Yehuh?”

“THIS!”

Luna seized Twilight up roughly and closed her eyes as she kissed the unicorn roughly on the lips.  After a few moments, she pulled away, deposited Twilight back on the ground, and swallowed.

“Mmm.... shthat, red wine I taste? Has a snare to it...” Twilight concluded her statement by falling onto her back, gasping weakly, and then drooling in the grass as her eyes fell closed.

“Oh no!” screamed Pinkie Pie, jumping about hysterically. “Luna killed Twilight with her sexiness!”

Rainbow Dash rushed over to her fallen friend, barely keeping her own composure.  She knelt down beside the prone unicorn and found that while unconscious, the unicorn breathed normally.

She looked up and found her face inches away from the imposing Princess Luna.

“TWILIGHT SHALL RECOVER,” announced Luna. “BIG SIS ALWAYS DID WONDER WHY WE LACE OUR LIPSTICK WITH A SEDATIVE. THE STYLE FADED IN THE FIRST CENTURY, YOU SEE. IF SHE ONLY SAW HOW MANY CRISES HAVE BEEN AVERTED IN THIS WAY.”

Luna lifted Twilight and deposited the unconscious unicorn on her back.

“Luna,” said Rainbow Dash as the princess began to leave the group. “How about you tell us what’s going on?”

“No comment,” replied Luna. Rainbow had a feeling the night princess was smiling, though she was faced away.  

Luna began walking away again, but she stopped. “By the way,” she said, voice—comparatively—soft but perfectly clear. “Please don’t blame Twilight for her actions. It seems to me that a lack of sleep has affected her judgement.  WE HAVE EXPERIENCED IT MANY TIMES OURSELF. Big sis mentioned something about her bed failing to be delivered?”

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” said Fluttershy with a wave. “We’re used to this by now.”

“I see. REGARDLESS, SLEEP DEPRIVATION IS NO CAVALIER MATTER. My sister will not object if we place your friend in her bed, especially when she isn’t using it. WE WILL ENSURE HER SLEEP IS RESTFUL, AND ENTRUST THE REST OF YOU WITH YOUR OWN MATTERS UNTIL CELESTIA RETURNS.”

With Luna gone, Rainbow Dash pulled Applejack close.

“It’s time to get to the bottom of this,” she murmured.

“Ah’m worried about Twilight.”

“I am, too. If we’re going to help her, we need answers.”

“Ooh umm... are you two plotting clandestine activities? C-can I maybe... help out?”

Rainbow looked up, recognizing Fluttershy’s voice.

“Stay here,” Dash said, motioning for Applejack to walk with her. “You’d only slow us down.”

Applejack glared at Rainbow Dash, then flashed the crestfallen Fluttershy a tender look. “Why don’t you go check on Twi? Make sure she gets enough sleep and all.”

“Oh. Yes, I can do that.” Fluttershy brightened up a little. “She’ll be so embarrassed when she wakes up and finds out she went temporarily insane again. I’m sure she’ll like it if somepony else is there to talk with her.”

*****

“Rainbow, I ain’t one to tell you how to run yer mare, but what’s the deal between you and Shy?”

The two friends were creeping through the rustling woods, staying low to the underbrush.  There was a perfectly good path leading from their side of the camp to that of the stallion’s, but they had agreed to avoid open ground during their covert operation.

“Me and Shy?  Eh, we’re fine.”

“Rainbow, don’t just brush it off.  She tells me she’s gettin’ sexually aggressive in her sleep again.  I think she’s starved for attention!”

“Oh yeah, that’s true.  But don’t worry, we solved that problem.  We sleep in different beds now.”

“Dash!”

“What?  C’mon, Applejack, I’m not into that mushy stuff.  Just because she’s my marefriend doesn’t mean I have to spend every second making out with her.”

“Fine.  At least promise me you’ll talk to her about it.  Promise me you’ll keep her happy.”

“Uh-huh, I promise.  You worry too much, she’s fine.”

Applejack didn’t seem particularly satisfied but she failed to press the issue as she pulled aside a low hanging branch and she and Dash stepped into open ground.

In order to get answers, they had agreed they would need to make contact with those that they had specifically been forbidden from coming into contact with—the males in the camp.  Now they had arrived at their destination.

The buildings were arranged differently, but the basic functions seemed to be identical. The office was locked when they tried to enter it. A dormitory attracted their attention next, but they found empty. Next to that stood a shower and supply shed that they had ignored.

At last they came to the recreation room. They heard voices inside and slowed their pace.

“Princess Celestia never told us who their therapist is,” whispered Applejack.  “We’d better be careful.”

Rainbow snorted. “When you put it that way, it makes me want to just barge in! But we’re here for information, so let’s try and eavesdrop.”

They found a small ground-floor window and leaned their forelegs on the sill.  Inside the occupants were all seated with their backs to the two spying mares.  On a couch sat Iron Will with Spike and Big Macintosh.  Soarin, Shining Armor, and Lord Fancypants had recliners to themselves.

The boy’s attentions were locked on a flaring television. Everypony was drinking apple cider from cans, save for Spike who drank orange juice.

“That’s corruption of a minor,” whispered Applejack harshly. “How’s that poor boy supposed to grow up to be a gigantic rampagin’ monster without any apples in his diet?!”

“Quiet! Listen!”

“See,” said Soarin pointing at the screen. “The issue’s not with Quicksilver’s style. Her turns are a bit on the mechanical side, but her moves are exceedingly precise and original. I think the aerobatics community recognizes her unique contribution. What you’re actually seeing is the Trottingham judge hosing her to pave the way for his home team’s champion.”

“Eeyup,” said Big Macintosh somberly.

“She was cool!” said Spike. “I would have given her a ten.”

“Seems a crass and unwise strategy. After all,” said Fancypants slyly, “will the other judges not remember the slight when Trottingham’s own White Polish takes the stage?”

Iron Will chuckled. “I think we’ll find out soon.  Oh hey!  It’s the hundred yard air dash!  This is where we see Rapidshot strut her stuff!”

Shining Armor leaned in to watch, his drink forgotten. “Oh yeah. Your teammate, right Soarin? The announcers have been touting that this race is going to be between her and Fast Draw of Appleloosa. Is there anything to that?”

Soarin rolled his eyes and shook her head. “Not even a contest. I’ve seen that girl train. She does it like she’s bucking apples. Wham. Wham.  Wham. Until she’s dead on her hooves from exhaustion. She’s gonna be spent before the race even begins. What you’ve got to look for is Silk Glove from Neighpon. Nopony’s really seen him in action yet, because he’s only just entered his prime. I’m excited to see what he’s got.”

The dialogue drew to a close as the race started. Rapidshot was off in a blur, her sleek and rippling muscles powering a perfect wing technique. Fast Draw matched her for sixty yards before petering out and falling into sixth. Silk Glove was nose to nose with Rapidshot until they were ten yards away from the finish line, when Rapidshot put in a burst of speed to claim first, followed by an unknown from Prance named Breezyheart, who had also pushed past Silk Glove and left the Neighponese racer to finish third.

The ponies in the room all politely stomped their hooves on the ground. Spike’s cheer was subdued.

Iron Will spun around and glared at them, the blood veins in his eyes pulsing. Nopony dared to breathe.

Iron Will sighed, seized his cider and guzzled it down. Then he let out a brutal belch, smashed the empty can against his powerful brow, and threw the ruined piece of tin behind the couch.

“When your team wins the race... SMASH A CAN ON YOUR FACE!”

Five different belches followed his command, and in another moment five crushed tin cans were flung onto the floor.

“Good work everypony,” said Iron Will, calming down. “We’ll clean up when we’re done.”

*****

Once the coverage began cycling through re-runs, the viewers dispersed. Rainbow Dash and Applejack retreated from the window to talk freely.

“Alright,” said Applejack flatly. “What the buck did we just see?”

“I don’t know. But did you see how Soarin knew his stuff? He was so cool!”

“Uhuh.”

“Oh man, I want him to watch me fly so he can tell me what Olymponians I can beat!”

“Keep it in yer britches cowgirl. What do we do from here, Dash?”

“Uhh... okay. Wait until your brother’s alone and get in touch with him. Find out what he knows, figure out a way to keep in touch with him.”

“I doubt he’ll’ve figured out much at this point. What about you?”

“Me? I guess I’ll just go with y—”

Rainbow cut herself off as she saw Soarin flying overhead. He circled around the recreation center once, caught her eye, grinned wickedly and fled in a burst of speed.

“Mission accepted.  See ya back at base, Applejack.”

Applejack said something in reply, but Rainbow Dash couldn’t hear it as she launched into the air, aiming her lithe body at the clouds. The ground became a canvass she could look down upon in the unlikely event that she grew bored of the splendors of the sky, dots and shapes that no longer drew relevance to her new world.

Soarin was waiting for her on a cloud big enough for only one pony. She hovered before him.

“What do you know,” she demanded without pleasantry.

“Hey, Rainbow Dash! I’ll tell you,” he said as he carelessly examined his hoof, “but I’ve got to do my runs first. See ya!”

He took off at breakneck speed. Rainbow followed without hesitation.

Over and under clouds they went. When Soarin would do a sharp turn or a barrel roll, Rainbow would mimic his flashy and unnecessary maneuvering as a point of pride. Catching him would be a poor prize indeed if he ended up looking more radical than she did during the chase.

Soon Rainbow began to fear that she would lose. While Soarin didn’t have her stamina or ability to accelerate, his top speed was far more than she had ever managed outside of a Sonic Rainboom. Just as she was steeling herself to perform one, she realized something.

Soarin wasn’t working the winds. He had been a professional athlete all his life and trained almost entirely in environmentally static courses. He didn’t know the tricks of the weatherponies’ trade.

On her ascent she had discovered a gradual, yet high-paced, downdraft. Now, she slowed down and swerved to claim it. As she slowed down as much as she dared risk, Soarin’s shape grew further and further away until he was little more than a dot.

She caught it just in time, above him at a gradual decline that led to a perfect intercept. He could have ruined her plan simply by changing course or finding his own draft.

But he didn’t.

She pumped her wings to pick up the speed until she was moving faster than even Soarin, heart fluttering with the sweetest of joy. He tried to pick up the pace again, but it was no use—she had tired him out. Soon she was right on top of him, and in another moment she had crashed into him and knocked him out of the sky. She had chosen the moment to pounce with fine precision, and the maneuver ended with both of them colliding into the safety of a massive cloud bank.

Her body was pressed tightly against his. She could feel their sweat mingling, and her chest grew uncomfortably hot. They were both still panting from the exertion.

“Whew. Haven’t been worked like that since my Advanced Flight course. Great to see you again Dash. Had a question?”

“What the hay is going on with the princess?”

Soarin blinked and then laughed. “Oh, you mean this? I guess this might have caught you off guard, seeing as you’re not from Canterlot. The ‘Bolts are one of her favorite targets though. Princess Celestia is... how do I put this? Sometimes, she’s a very silly pony.”

Rainbow Dash laughed in disbelief, but then she scrunched her brow when Soarin only grinned up at her. “Princess Celestia? She’s not, like... no... you’re kidding, right?”

Soarin shook his head. “I’ll tell you about the last thing she did. This was maybe a week after Princess Luna returned to us. She spent days flitting around our locker room telling us how lonely Luna was and how she hadn’t had any ‘games’ for a thousand years and, yes, she was being that suggestive.”

“Dwuh?! She set the whole team up with her sister?!”

“Listen, listen. It culminated with her dressing the whole team in socks and lacy panties, myself included, and hauling us to Luna’s bedchamber. Ya know what happened then?”

“Wh-what happened then?”

“We played chess with Princess Luna. All five of us against her. Celestia spent the whole time giggling in the background. Luna won.”

“I thought chess was a two-player game?”

“Well, they played chess differently back in Luna’s day.”

“So you didn’t actually-”

“Sleep with Luna? Well, I didn’t. Spitfire says she did, but I couldn’t tell with the piñatas everywhere.”

“Huh?”

“They played chess really differently back in Luna’s day.”

Rainbow Dash thought for a bit. “So what you’re telling me is this whole thing is one big prank?”

Soarin laughed. “What did you think it was, Dash? Didn’t the whole premise seem a little bit ridiculous to you?”

Dash laughed awkwardly. “Oh yeah... right. But why are you sticking around, then? Don’t you have better things to do?”

Soarin calmed down and shook his head. “I could leave. But I love the princess. Everypony does. She’s got the weight of the world on her shoulders, and yet she makes it look easy to bring peace and harmony throughout Equestria. So what if she wants this to bring a little joy to her life? She can have it. I won’t even hesitate to play along for her sake.”

“I hear ya, man.  Besides, I could never ruin another ponies prank.  That would be so not cool.”

“Anyway, Dash,” said Soarin, shifting beneath her weight. “It’s not Celestia that’s keeping me here right now. It’s you.”

“Oh! Whoops! Sorry, I’ll just—”

Soarin kissed her. Her tired wings rose a tiny bit away from their folds. She felt a brief jolt of electricity as their lips met, before she pulled away in shock.

“Soarin!  What are you doing?! I’m a lesbian! I’ve got a marefriend!”

Soarin’s eyes bugged and he squirmed beneath her in a brief state of panic. “Oh buck Dash, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry. Look, I just...I don’t know, I totally misread your signals here. Of course, that wouldn’t have been a problem if I had just asked first, but that would have been the smart thing to do. Dash, look, I just want to be your friend. I’m not some panting pervert, I swear I just got carried away there, and I’d really like it if you could pretend that never happened.”

 Rainbow did nothing but stare at the stallion beneath her. He tried to get up but Rainbow was still weighing him down.  His build was perfectly optimized for speed, which meant he was actually rather small. Dash was less blessed, and had about ten or fifteen pounds of muscle on him.

“Uhh...Dash? Don’t you want to let me up now?”

“That didn’t mean stop,” she said, pressing her lips against his once more.