Fuck, it’s cold… that soup hit the spot.

Anyways, where was I?

Oh, right… Applejack.

So yeah…

Crook was hitting on Applejack. I didn’t even have to hear him to know he was flirting. His body language. Her blush. His confident smirk. Yup, definitely flirting.

I almost ran away. I almost just turned right around and hid in the store. I could’ve walked around the store for another half-hour and waited for Applejack to leave. Hell, I could’ve gone anywhere at all, and Crook would’ve found me eventually. I could’ve avoided this whole fucking awkward terrible unfortunate situation in its entirety.

Unfortunately, I just sort of... froze up. Everything happened so slowly from my point of view. I watched Crook flirt for a moment. I watched Crook notice my presence, and I watched Applejack turn her head to follow his gaze. Now, I’d never actually seen it before, but Applejack has a nice smile. I saw it right there, only for a second. For an instant she was as happy as could be.

And then her expression just turned right into a scowl. “Son of a-” she completely turned her body and started fucking marching toward me. “What in Sam Hill are you doin’ here?” she asked threateningly.

I didn’t respond. I tried to ignore it. I just wanted to walk past her and pretend she wasn’t there. I didn’t want a fight like last time. I didn’t want to be a snarky jackass. I just wanted to go, so I just started to walk past her.

“What’s going on?” Derpy’s voice asked from behind me. I wished desperately that she would not have to bear witness to this shit show. I wanted to distance myself from her as quickly as possible. I didn’t want her to be a part of this.

Applejack was the one to answer her. “Don’t y’all worry, hun. Ah’m just takin’ care a’ some business with this here stud. You can just run along.”

‘So… stud has become her default insult, has it? Lovely.’

Crook’s eyes were wide at this point. Some sort of morbid sense of humor had put a smile on his face. He could hardly believe what was happening, and it was cracking him up.

I just moved to walk away again. “Not so fast!” Applejack shifted herself right into my path. She’s never actually tried to stop me before; my little stunt at the Bakery was coming back to bite me in the ass. “Where d’yall think yer goin’?”

I sighed, defeated. This was fucking awful. Much to my dismay, I was actually going to have to engage her. “Home,” I responded tersely.

She snorted in my direction. “Good, the sooner y’all ‘re outside Ponyville the better.” She stayed parked right in my path. I just sighed and started to walk around her. Hopefully that would be the end of this little-

Once more from behind me I heard Derpy. This time, however, she was shouting. “Applejack!” I almost didn’t recognize her voice. I’d never heard it… angry before. Applejack was seemingly equally dumbfounded.

‘Holy fuck, is she… is she standing up for me?’ I couldn’t believe it. No really, I could not believe my ears. I’d long since resigned myself to the belief that nopony in Ponyville would publicly stand up for me. Defeatist as that may sound, it had been two years since I moved here, and it hadn’t happened yet. Then again, Derpy was a new factor in this particular equation. She’d never been exposed to Applejack’s bullshit before.

But at the same time I truly wished she wouldn’t. I was just so sure that this would make Derpy look bad. I wanted her to stop. I didn’t want her to be “that mare that stood up for the whore” or whatever. I didn’t want this to hurt her. There had to be a way out of this. Surely it wasn’t too late to just take everything back, right?

If only.

While my brain scrambled, Applejack was still trying to figure out what was happening. “Derpy, what’re y’all…”

She marched right up to Applejack and pointed a hoof at her. “You’re being a bully!” It was actually sort of adorable, her confronting Applejack. It brought a smile to my face… Crook’s as well. He was eating this shit up.

Applejack sighed. “Hun, I don’t think y’all understand what’s goin’ on here.” I was watching her as she said that, by which I of course mean I was reading her. I noticed something that almost made my jaw drop. Applejack showed no signs of guilt or regret. She spoke to Derpy without hesitation for her actions, and without fear. No signs that she thought that anything she was doing was taboo or to be frowned upon. She actually thought that once she explained the situation to Derpy that she’d understand.

It’s kind of scary to think about but… Applejack genuinely thinks that driving me out of town is the right thing to do. She doesn’t think she’s being vindictive or just plain selfish in her hatred of me; she’s just… following her moral compass.

I might be reaching with this one, but… I dunno… that’s what it seemed like.

It’s fucking worrying is what it is. But anyways…

“What’s not to understand?!” Derpy cried. “You’re being mean to my friend!”

I swallowed audibly. This whole ordeal was accelerating. I needed an out. I needed to calm both of these mares down and get the fuck out of here before too many ponies showed up. I needed this whole situation to end before something happened.

“Now, whadd’re y’all tryin’ ta-... Oh Derpy, don’t tell me… y’all haven’t been givin’ him yer money have you?” She sounded so concerned. She was already making out Derpy to be some sort of victim of my wicked machinations. This was about to blow up in my face.

“Of course I do. I’m not going to not pay him,” said Derpy as she shrugged. I’m sure to her it seemed like a harmless confession, but I could see the gears turning in Applejack’s head.

“You…” Her head slowly turned to me, her teeth gritting, her brow furrowed. She was the very picture of anger. “You… no good… low down… rotten…” She racked her brain trying to think of a sufficiently nasty name to call me. Failing, she continued her rant. “What gives you the right to… to swindle this here mare outta her hard-earned bits, huh?” She took a threatening step towards me. “I bet you didn’t know she had a daughter at home, didja? That she’s raisin’ that filly all by herself, and she don’t need no… no dang seducer makin’ her life any harder.” She snorted angrily in my direction. “Just ‘cause she’s a few apples short of a bushel, don’t mean you can just march on into her life… into her home and… take whatever y’all want from her!” She was seething.

I cocked an eyebrow at something she’d said. ‘Hang on… Did she just say that Derpy-?’

“Wait… what?” The question came just above a whisper, but it silenced Applejack immediately. I wasn’t even sure who had asked it. I looked to Crook, but he was still giggling to himself, silently relishing the guilty look growing on Applejack’s face. I scanned the ever-growing crowd for the culprit, only to find everyone’s gaze directed at Derpy. And then I saw why.

The level of hurt and rage on her face was just… it didn’t suit her. She looked like she was somewhere between crying and punching someone. “I… I don’t… Applejack… how could you… *sniff* How could you even say that?”

“Oh, Derpy, y’all gotta know I didn’t mean…” She sighed heavily. “Look… it ain’t… exactly a secret that y’ain’t the sharpest knife in the-” *SMACK!*

My eyes shot wide open. I could not fucking believe what had just happened. Derpy had slugged her. Derpy had flown straight at Applejack and punched her square in the face! Fucking shit! The crowd let out a collective gasp.

Applejack didn’t even react, she just stared at the hat that had been knocked from her head. For several seconds she just stood there while everybody held their breath. Eventually she took up her Stetson and began to knock the snow off of it. “Okay… Ah probably deserved th-”

“I am not stupid!” Derpy shouted. No, scratch that.. shouted isn’t a good enough word by far. Declared. That’s more like it.

Applejack was struggling to keep ground. She desperately tried to shift the subject back to me. “Dang it, Derpy, I know that. I was just… Look, this here stallion… he ain’t a good pony. He’s-”

“Guilty’s my friend!” She was having none of Applejack’s shit. “And stop talking to me like I’m stupid!” She moved to throw another punch, but this time Applejack was ready. She held a hoof square in Derpy’s chest, keeping her safely out of reach. When Derpy’s punch fell short, she continued to swing hooves that would ultimately fail to reach their target. She was so unbelievably furious. It hardly seemed like it was actually Derpy doing all of this.

“Now, girl, I ain’t gonna let you slug me again so just… *grunt*… Now calm down… *nnf*… would y’all quit that?!” She punctuated her sentence with a firm push that thrust Derpy back a few feet. Derpy just fumed as Applejack adjusted her hat.

I had that same instinct again. That one that told me to turn and run while all the attention was on these two. I stayed this time, though. I didn’t run like I did with Spike. The thought of abandoning Derpy while she was sticking up for me… that was enough to keep me from running. I could never forgive myself for something like that.

Turns out, I’m a decent pony sometimes.

Once Applejack had dusted herself off she turned back to face Derpy. “Now I’m sorry I got ya so cross, Derpy, but that don’t mean Ah’m gonna let ya smack me around, all right?... Geez… you think you know a pony…” she grumbled.

“Yeah you could say that again!” cried Derpy. There was still anger building in her, if that was even possible.

‘Shit. If somepony doesn’t do something this is gonna come to blows again… Shit. that somepony’s gonna be me isn’t it. Shiiiiiit.’ Against my every instinct I decided put myself on the spot. I swallowed. There was a very good chance that this was going to end horribly. Almost definitely. Ninety-nine percent.

I cleared my throat. “Are we done?” All eyes on me: Derpy’s, Applejack’s, the crowd’s, all of them, fucking all of them. Why was I doing this? Dear Celestia, let it be over quickly.

Against all odds Applejack actually didn’t jump down my throat. She (mind-blowingly) nodded. “Yeah… we’re done.” She moved to leave, walking right past me. Once she reached me she stopped. “We’re still gonna have words, though. I promise you that.” And with that she shoved her way past me.

Now, being the picture of grace that I am, in my attempt to stay upright I actually managed to trip over my own hooves. Now… my timing here could’ve been better, since tripping right when I did gave the illusion that Applejack had actually knocked me on my ass.

And then Crook was mad.

I felt the small quake caused by his hooves as he barreled past me. “Hey!” he shouted. There was some anger in his voice, but honestly not enough for most ponies to notice.

I was still trying to right myself, so I failed to see Applejack’s face. “Oh, hey. Sorry y’all had to see that, big guy. With all the hubbub Ah forgot Ah was talkin’ to ya… Sorry ya had to see all that… I don’t suppose you still wanna grab a bite… do ya?” She sounded almost hopeful. Maybe desperate is a better word. She must’ve really liked the look of Crook. Not that I can blame her.

‘Whatever you do, Crook, don’t start something.’

“Hey, don’t worry about it.” he answered coolly. “I’m free tomorrow.”

‘Wait, what?’

“Oh! Well, uh… good… I guess… hehe.” I heard her swallow. “So… lunch? Ah know a nice little bakery around here.” I righted myself to see the goofy blush on Applejack’s face. “Sound like a plan?”

“Sure thing, I know the one. See you tomorrow.” He gave a dashing smile and the two said their goodbyes.

What the fuck was this? This was not a Crook move. This was calm, rational. Crook doesn’t let ponies who do shit to me just walk away. Not that I mind, doing that would’ve made things much worse. But still. Crook, taking a calculated and rational course of action… freaky.

Once Applejack was far out of sight he made his way over to me. I was brushing the snow out of my mane. “Y’alright Guilty?” he asked as he began knocking snow off of my jacket.

“Yeah, I just tripped.” He proceeded to give me a quick once-over, checking for scrapes and bruises.

Ever protective.

Still, I had some questions. “So what was that shit you pulled with Applejack?”

“Whaddaya mean?” he asked innocently.

“You know what I mean…”

Instead of answering he just gazed past me. “Guilty.” He indicated the area behind me. I turned to see Derpy, standing rigidly in the snow. Head sunk… eyes closed…

Sobbing.

“Oh fuck me.” Ponies were slowly slinking away from the show that the three of us had just put on, and most of them were trying not to notice the full grown mare who was slowly breaking into tears.

Fuckers.

My actions were unconscious; I jogged over to her side and lent her a comforting hoof. I was careful with my words. Didn’t want to upset her any more. “Derpy? You okay?”

She was mumbling to herself. Just standing there shaking her head, mumbling, I felt so sorry for her. This was my fault. This was all my fault. I should’ve just run from the start. I let this happen.

‘Hey, enough self-pity. Fucking help Derpy, would you?’

I snapped myself out of my micro-funk, and got my attention back where it need to be. “Hey, Derpy? Let’s get you outta here, yeah?” I shook her a little. I had to help her quickly, she looked positively pathetic. I bet she felt just as much.

She just continued to mumble. “I-I’m not stupid. I’m not f-fucking stupid.” Her head rose up and her gaze met mine. Her eyes were so red, she was going to burst any minute. She buried her face into my chest.

“I know, Derpy. I know you aren’t stupid.” She just continued to sob into my jacket. “You wanna get outta here?” She nodded. “Okay.” I gave her mane a comforting brush of the hoof. “Crook, let’s go. Grab the booze."

He wordlessly obliged, and the three of us made our way back to my home. Luckily for me, winter clothes once more kept me camouflaged amid the crowds of Ponyville. Nopony looked twice at the three ponies huddling together down the streets. My bulk and Crook's combined kept Derpy largely out of sight, for which I’m sure she was grateful.

She remained silent, even as we entered my still warm abode. I decided to take her into the bedroom, so she could lie down. Crook decided it would be a good time to unpack the groceries I’d procured.

Derpy just sort of collapsed face down onto the bed and curled up into a ball. This mare was going to cry, no two ways about it. Odds were she didn’t want me around for that, but it never hurts to check. “Can I get you anything?” She just shook her head. “Okay Derpy, I’m right outside if you need me.” And with that I took my leave.

“Geez… everybody’s fuckin’ cryin’ today,” Crook said as he took stock of my liquor. “*Tch* I forgot to grab Kahlua.”

“What the fuck do you need Kahlua for?” I wasn’t really in the mood for Crook’s antics.

“White rushin’s,” he responded simply before rustling through some more in the paper bags. “Oh wait… here it is. You got cream, right?”

I rubbed my temple. “Probably. I dunno.” I was getting a headache. I started unpacking the untouched, non-alcoholic groceries. “Check the fridge.”

Then the whole situation started to dawn on me. I’d brought Derpy into my home. I hadn’t even thought about it; she was crying, so I took her to a safe place. It made sense, I guess, but from the outside this might look like seduction. That’s not just me, right? I’d taken an emotionally fragile mare and talked her into coming home with me. Oh geez, I’d even taken her to the bedroom. For a moment I was worried I was turning into exactly what Applejack thought I was. This was weird. This was fucking weird.

‘Okay, Guilty calm down. You’re just… being polite! This is a polite thing. You’re… taking a crying pony back to your place so they can… cry in peace… okay… not so much a polite thing. A friend thing, then. Just two buddies taking refuge in… one’s bedroom to work through… emotional suffering… Okay not so much a friend thing either…’

‘Guilty, what the fuck are you doing?’

“I found it!” Crook snapped me out of my daze. When he spoke I was I was putting away those cherries, apparently. I’d kind of been on autopilot.

“Huh?”

“The cream. Now I can make me a drink.” He pulled a rocks glass out of my cupboard.

“Could you at least wait until I’ve got all my shit put away before you start taking more out?” I pleaded. “Why don’t you do me a favor and shelf the liquor? You still know how to organize that stuff, right?”

He clicked his tongue. “Fine…” What a whiner.

It was at this point that the sound of Derpy wailing began to arise. Crook let out a big sigh. “Look I wasn’t even gonna say anything but… who is this mare? She a client or something? Because this is not a service you used to offer.”

I just sighed.

“Just sayin’.”

“She’s…” I paused. I was trying to figure out what it was safe to tell him. “… a friend.”

Crook scoffed. “Guilty Pleasure? A friend? I don’t believe it.”

“Why you gotta be like that?” I put some fake hurt into my voice.

“No, I mean I seriously don’t believe it. As far as I remember, I’m the only friend you’ve ever had, Guilty.” Bottles clinked together as he continued to place all my new spirits in the liquor cabinet. “When did you grow a social life?”

“Hey, fuck you too.” I shot him a glare. Unfortunately, I didn’t look very threatening holding two loaves of bread.

“I’m just sayin’…” Awkward silence. “You want the beer in the fridge?”

“Yeah, just put it in the door.” More silence.

“So uh… you do this a lot?” he asked less than casually.

“Do what?”

“Bring home cryin’ mares.”

“First time.”

“Hmm…” I could hear the judgement in his voice. Like he’s one to talk. He’s brought home more mares than I ever will.

So, we got everything put away while Derpy had her cry. Eventually she crept out of the bedroom and out into the living room. Her eyes still red, her pride in tatters, she slowly made her way to my table. I happened to be reading one of my outdoor living magazines. Crook was busy debating which of the three beers he’d bought looked the tastiest.

Now the aftermath of a breakdown is something I’ve dealt with a few times. There’s one very big secret to smoothing things over in a situation like this, and it’s easy to do.

Act like nothing happened. Pretend all is well. Don’t mention it. Don’t bring it up… unless they do. Even then, always play it down. They already feel bad about making a scene, no need to make things any worse.

“Hey.” She put on her best smile. “I can’t believe-” Her voice cracked. She laughed nervously about it. “I can’t believe I started crying like that.”

Friendly smile. Even calm tone. Eye contact. Shrug of the shoulders. “Eh… it happens sometimes. Everypony cries sometimes.”

“Especially this guy!” Crook called from the kitchen.

I almost slapped myself for forgetting my manners. Introductions were in order. “Oh, geez, that’s right. Derpy, this is Crook, my oldest and dearest friend. Crook, this is Derpy. She’s a local.”

Derpy smiled and waved. I love her little wave. “Hi there. Guilty was telling me he had company. *Ahem*… Thanks for walking me here.”

“Yeah, no sweat,” he responded absently.

Derpy turned her gaze back to me, and her smile fell. “I’ve… never seen Applejack act like that. She’s usually such a nice pony.”

“Really?” Crook and I asked in unison. That was a bit tough for me to believe, but I suppose it makes sense. She has something of a following, she can’t be a bitch all the time.

“Mmhmm.” Derpy took a seat across from me. “When the town hall was all busted up, she promised to use her rodeo winnings to repair it. Everypony showed up to see her off.” She sighed. “I didn’t know she could… be like that.”

I shrugged and tossed my magazine onto the table. “Well… that’s the only Applejack I’ve ever seen. She’s hated me from the get-go.”

Derpy shook her head again. “I just don’t know why.”

“Well... *gulp*… I happen to be aware of the possibility that her mother abandoned her family for an escort… or so I hear.” I did my best to look innocent. I still feel a bad about that one, though, so it wasn’t as easy as I would’ve liked to play it off.

Derpy’s ears shot up. “Really… wow… that’s terrible.” She frowned. I could already see her sympathizing with Applejack.

“I still don’t think it excuses her behavior,” I interjected.

“Yeah, she was kind of a bitch,” Crook chimed.

I perked up at that, and turned to face Crook in the kitchen. “That reminds me… what were you getting at, agreeing to go on a date with her?”

“He’s gonna date her?” Derpy asked. I just shrugged.

“I’m not getting at anything…” Crook came into the room with beers in tow. “…I’m just… keeping as many cards in my deck as I can.” He offered me a beer which, for some reason, I accepted. He offered one to Derpy as well, but she turned it down.

I twisted open my bottle and took a swig. It was a fairly pricey beer, and was actually pretty tasty. It was a nice brown ale, very smooth. As I drank I briefly tried to wrap my head around Crook’s answer. He’s never really had what one might call foresight. Him thinking about anything beyond the now… not really his style.

I suppose he’s sort of… grown up… kind of… in some small ways.

“Well whatever the case, thank you for not pounding her face into the snow.”

Derpy gasped. “Why would he do that?”

I opened my mouth to respond, but Crook beat me to it. “ ‘Cause nopony fucks with Guilty.” He threw an affectionate hoof around me and gave me a comradely little shake.

I laughed nervously at the still-mortified look on Derpy’s face. “*Ahem* well… what Crook means to say is that when we were younger, Crook liked to fight my battles for me.”

“Hey! Somepony had to fight ‘em,” Crook jabbed, taking a sip of his ale.

I nodded. “True enough. Thankfully, he seems to have developed a sense of what’s socially acceptable. Better late than never I suppose.”

Crook chuckled. “Well fuck you too, crybaby.” He punched me in the shoulder, causing me to spill some of my beer. You know, I don’t normally drink, but something about Crook being in town made me want to. I’m not sure why.

Anyways, Derpy couldn’t help but chuckle at our antics. “You guys are so funny.” She no longer seemed to be concerned with Crook’s violent temperament, which was a plus. And Crook seemed to be warming up to her as well. Not that I doubted he would. She’s a mare, after all.

“So, Derpy, do you want to stick around for a while?” I asked.

“Sure.” She smiled. “You guys are fun.”

‘Yes!’ This was awesome. My best friend was here, my best Ponyville friend was here, we were drinking. It was wonderful. Derpy and Crook got along great, which was… just fantastic. They swapped stories, they told jokes (Crook’s tended to be fairly off-color), Derpy told Crook all about the little hike we took together, which amused Crook to no end. He couldn’t get enough of those ray-things we saw. (I still need to ask Twilight about those.) Crook ended up telling a few stories that involved me getting my ass kicked. Much to my dismay, Derpy seemed to enjoy them very much. He also complimented the punch Derpy had thrown at Applejack, which caused Derpy to blush immensely.

Oh, here’s something. Derpy mentioned that she was a client. I wouldn’t have thought she’d do that. I suppose it’s really something she’s not ashamed of…

I’m… I mean I’m glad about it of course, it’s nice having someone be open about that sort of thing, but…

I dunno. I keep getting the feeling that that openness is going to get her into trouble. I’d hate to have Applejack on her case too. Or hell… if her daughter’s friends found out? Yeesh.

*Sigh*

I dunno… I worry too much.

So anyways, we had a nice little chat. Derpy eventually realized that she had to get home to make dinner, so she gathered up her groceries and got ready to leave. After she’d grabbed all her stuff, she said her goodbyes and made for the door. Right as she was about to go, however, Crook spoke up. “Guilty, walk the mare home.”

“Huh?” It was kind of an odd request, but not unlike Crook. Even if he’s needed lessons in manners, he’s never needed lessons in chivalry.

Derpy gave a dismissive wave of her hoof. “It’s okay, it’s not even dark.”

Crook looked me dead in the eye. “Guilty… walk the mare home.” Oh… well then… my mistake. This was not a request. This was an order.

I put a hoof up in defeat. “Alright, I’ll walk her home.”

Derpy seemed a tad distraught. “No really, you don’t have to-”

“It’s fine.” Calm smile. “I’ll never hear the end of it if I don’t.”

“But really, you don’t have to-”

I just grinned. “Derpy. It’s fine.” It really was. I didn’t have plans or anything; it was no trouble at all. “Shall we?”

So Derpy and Crook said their goodbyes, and out the door we went.

It was lovely outside. The sun was starting to dip, but it was by no means dark. Naked trees cast long crooked shadows across the frost and snow. There was no wind; the world was so still. Brisk, beautiful, almost delicate... It was wonderful, in the true sense of the word. There are no moments like that in Manehattan.

Such wonder, however, seemed commonplace to Derpy. She just trotted alongside me, with a great big smile on her face. “Crook seems like a fun guy. You and him go all the way back, huh?”

“Pretty much.” There was a silence there, though not a particularly awkward one. “You know, he’s the one who got me into this line of work? Maybe I should be blaming him for this whole mess with Applejack.”

Derpy sighed and just sort of deflated. “I still can’t believe her.” She buried her face into her hoof. “I still can’t believe me.”

I cocked my head. “How do you mean?”

“When I punched her,” she groaned. “And after all the stuff I tell Dinky about ‘using your words.’ I’m such a hypocrite.” Her head sank.

I gave her shoulder a light tap. “Enough with the self-pity.” She glanced up at me with her good eye. “I should buy you a drink after that. Do you have any idea how long I’ve been wanting that mare to get punched in the face?”

Derpy giggled. “Well… I’m sure you would’ve at least hit her harder.”

“Oh no. I’m worthless in a fight,” I confessed.

Her whole head turned sideways. It’s adorable how she does that. “But you’re so strong,” she protested.

“Oh trust me, Derpy. I’ve been in a lot of fights... and I’ve lost every one.” I shrugged. “I never would’ve touched Applejack. I would’ve missed my punch and tripped or something equally emasculating.”

She laughed again at that one. “Hehehe, you always make me laugh, Guilty. How are you so good at that?”

“Practice, I guess.” Another silence followed, but again, not an awkward one. “So you liked Crook, then?”

“Mmhmm.” She nodded. “He’s silly. You two gonna have some fun tonight?”

“He is, I’m sure. He has a date.”

Derpy frowned. “So he’s leaving you all alone with nothing to do?”

I chuckled. “Derpy, most nights are just me home alone.”

Her face turned to one of shock. “What? No way!”

I did my best not to make a big deal out of it. “Derpy, it’s fine. I value my quiet time.”

“Nuh-uh! I bet you’re really bored. Especially if your friend is going out without you.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but ultimately she was right. I was really bored most of the time. Sure I could pass the time with exercise or reading or chores, but that was only to stave off the emptiness of my evening. Well… unless I had a client, that tends to be very stimulating.

“That’s it. You’re coming with me to Goldy’s house tonight!”

I almost choked on nothing at all. “Wh-what?”

“You’re coming with me to girls’ night,”she insisted.

‘Girls’ night? Carrot Top? What is this? What am I being dragged into? This is destined for disaster. Get out, Guilty, while you still can!’ “Derpy, I don’t think-”

“No buts!” she insisted. “I’m not letting you be all lonely ‘cause your friend is blowing you off.” And that was fucking that, apparently. Now I had something to dread… hooray. “I can’t believe he would do that, though.”

I gave a dismissive grunt. “It’s just his way. He has to hit on everypony he sees.”

Derpy’s expression remained stony for a few moments before ultimately softening. “He really cares about you, though. I can tell.”

I could only nod. “That he does.”

She mused silently to herself for a moment. “He kinda reminds me of Goldy. She’s kinda like that with me. Always trying to protect me, always worried.”

“I’ve noticed.” ‘She’s even trying to protect you from me, as a matter of fact.’

“Well… I think your friend is a bit less… zealous than Crook.”

Derpy just shrugged. Silence once more.

“I’m glad you like Crook, though,” I said. “It’s nice knowing my two best friends get along.” ‘Guilty, you fool! You haven’t-’

“I’m your best friend?” Derpy asked quizzically. I hadn’t had this kind of conversation with Derpy yet. I’d just slipped up and went ahead and called her my best friend.

I’m not sure how long I’ve really considered Derpy something of a ‘best friend’ but she’s certainly my favorite pony in Ponyville. I dunno, the label just made sense in my head… I’d just never given my thoughts voice. “Well…”

I had to tread carefully, or I might come off as desperate. This was gonna suck. “You’re certainly my best Ponyville friend, I guess. Most ponies in town don’t even take the time to say hello, especially not my clients.” I shrugged casually. “You’re kind of… one of the only ponies who’s really decent to me.”

Derpy’s face just fucking fell. She stuck out a hoof to stop me in place, and looked me square in the eyes. “That can’t be true. It just can’t.” She wasn’t arguing. She was pleading, begging for me to be joking or exaggerating.

I think my expression told her I wasn’t.

“So you mean… most ponies are like Applejack?!”

This was not a pleasant conversation to be having. It was just crushing her. “Well… Applejack is by far the worst. In fact she’s probably the only one who’s actively mean to me. Most ponies just… gossip.”

“I hate gossip.” Derpy snorted. “It’s just dumb.”

“Yeah well… everypony is entitled to their opinion.”

“Well their opinions are wrong! You’re a good pony!” She stamped her hoof into the snow, which resounded in a satisfying crunch.

I just sighed. This no fucking fun. “Well, I don’t think anypony in town is really keen to change their mind about me. Least of all Applejack, and she’s the heart of the problem.”

“Fuck Applejack!” Derpy shouted. As glad as I was to hear those words, it wasn’t the sort of language I expected from Derpy.

“Derpy, you don’t have to go that far.”

“No! Fuck Applejack! She called me stupid, Guilty! She basically said it right to my face! Nopony calls me stupid!” She pointed a threatening hoof in my face. It wasn’t me she was angry at, but it sure as shit seemed like it for a moment. She was panting; she’d worked herself up something fierce. I’m sure as fuck glad I was not the object of Derpy’s rage. I’m sure she’d wipe the floor with me.

I’d never actually seen Derpy’s angry face before that day, and I saw it twice. She’s quite the fucking spitfire, that’s for sure. I gently pushed Derpy’s hoof out of my face, and she realized how heated she’d gotten.

So, I let her collect herself. Her breathing returned to a steady pace, her expression changing from one of fury to one of embarrassment. She began to shake ever so slightly as the adrenaline worked its way through her system.

“S-Sorry. I just… I’m still kind of upset, *haha*.” She laughed nervously.

I chuckled. “Shit, I’m just glad you’re in my corner.” That seemed to make her feel better. “Between Crook and you, I couldn’t ask for better friends.” She even smiled at that one.

“You’re a good friend too,” she responded.

Derpy’s mood seemed fairly cheery as we entered the town proper. As we walked I came to a sudden realization.

‘I’m visiting a client’s house. This is a first. It’s not like Pinkie’s bakery or buying pants from Rarity’s boutique. I’m going to a home. A proper home. A home where Derpy lives and eats and sleeps with her dau- HOLY SHIT I’M GOING TO MEET DINKY!’

I almost had a heart attack. I was going to meet Dinky. Dinky! The precious little unicorn filly whose mother I routinely plow.

‘I don’t know how to talk to kids who are complete strangers. How do I talk to a kid who I know a fuckton about? What if she asks who I am? What if she asks how I know her mom? Dear sweet Luna, what if she asks me what I do for a living?’

‘Okay, breathe Guilty. It won’t be that bad. She’s just a kid, she’ll probably be totally uninterested in you. Don’t you worry at all, she’s probably-’

“We’re here!” Derpy announced as we stepped up to her modest home. I hadn’t even realized we’d arrived. Were we walking that long? No, it was just on the close side of town. Okay then.

‘Oh fuck, I’m not ready. This is gonna be bad. I’m gonna say something inappropriate. Holy shit, this is bad.’

Derpy quickly produced a key and unlocked her front door. “Dinky?! You home?!” she called. Her voice echoed through the house, only to be met with silence. “Looks like she’s still out playing.” She stepped into her home.

The house was… I’m gonna say “quaint.” It was a one-leveled little place, probably a little smaller than the first floor of my cottage. It was a cute pale yellow color, with white window sills. A little tiled roof, a little white fence, not much by way of decorations, it was… modest.

Okay, it was small. It was fucking small. It was a tiny little place, almost an apartment. There was very little furniture. There was a couch, a coffee table, a little dining room table complete with folding chairs, and that was about it.

But at the same time, it was… a happy place. Flour on the kitchen counter (no doubt remnants of muffiny goodness), little crayon drawings hanging on the fridge, a little block castle in the corner. That’s when it all sort of… hit me.

Derpy lives here.

I mean… I knew that, of course. But… being there, seeing that little cross-section of her life laid bare, it was almost like seeing a side of Derpy I’d never seen. Derpy has a whole life, a whole great big wonderful complicated life that has nothing to do with me. Again, I'd known that, it’s just… I dunno.

There’s a difference between knowing something and knowing something.

I guess.

I don’t know how else to put that…

“So anyways, this is me,” said Derpy, shaking me out of my distraction. I looked at her with a newly discovered sense of respect. “So come by at, like, nine. We’ll go to Goldy’s house and have fun.” She clapped her hooves together excitedly.

I swallowed hard. I suddenly found myself flustered. The thought of Carrot Top was disconcerting me. “Uh, sure… what are we, uh… gonna do there?”

“We’ll play poker or somethin’. It’s always super fun.” She smiled at me. “See you later.”

“Bye… uh… see you tonight.” I offered. ‘Really? See you tonight? That’s the best I can do?’

She gave a little wave and turn to close the door. And with that she was off to unpack groceries and cook up a dinner and all that shit. Off to live her little life.

I dunno, the whole thing was a little too… real. I mean…

*sigh*

So much of my job is helping ponies escape reality. When they’re with me they’re… apart from all that. Their homes, their friends, their problems, their everything. They never really bring it with them unless they need to. To me other ponies’ lives are to be sorted out with a few key words of advice, or to be heard about via small talk from chatty clients. I help with the problems, I listen to the gossip, I play along, I do whatever I need to do.

But I’m never a part of it. I’m always on the outside looking in. An impartial observer. That’s what clients want. That’s what clients need. A stallion who will listen to everything they have to say, and have it not really mean anything.

It’s like… I never judge a client, whatever they say to me: hey no big. That’s what I’m all about. They come to me in need of somepony who will accept them for who they are, somepony who won’t think any less of them for anything. I’m good at that.

But now… it was the other way around. Somepony was letting me into their life. Not just as a passing acquaintance, or a fling or whatever. I was a friend. I was being included in plans. I was going to get together and play cards. I was gonna have spontaneous wacky fun with Derpy.

This was… a life. It was a real life and I was being invited into it. It was comprised of the things that a life ought to be comprised of. Friends and neighbors and get-togethers and walking ponies home, and kids being out playing, and messy kitchens, and block castles, and all that shit...

…AND IT FUCKING SCARED ME!

Because it wasn’t… isn’t Derpy’s job. It isn’t Derpy’s job to like me no matter what. It isn’t her job to accept and spend time with me regardless of my actions… and that means two things:

Derpy actually does enjoy my company.

I can fuck this up at any time.

So there I was. Standing outside Derpy’s cute little house, staring at the doorway where she was standing. And it was slowly dawning on me... that this was real. Not an act. Not a session. Real.

And then I walked home.

I don’t even remember the walk back, it just sort of flew by. The next thing I knew I was walking back into my great big warm cabin, and Crook was drinking a mojito. I didn’t even know where he found the mint, and I could not be fucked to ask.

“She make it home okay?” he asked, before taking a large swig.

“Yeah,” I responded thoughtfully. I immediately shed my winter clothes, paying no mind to putting them away properly, and sat down by the fire. “Hey Crook?” I called.

“Yeah?” he answered.

“What did you say you needed Kahlua for?”

“White Rushin’.”

“Make me one, would you?”

“Uh… okay.” He was perplexed, and justifiably so. My mind was still afire with thoughts of life and friendship and all that gay shit, and it showed. I was just sort of… staring into the flames.

Crook knew better than to ask what was up… he did anyways. “What the fuck happened to you? She dump you or some shit?” He put a tan looking beverage in front of me.

“We’re not dating,” I responded absently.

Crook walked around in front of me and looked me in the eyes. Scratch that, he was looking at my eyes. “Are you fucking goofy? What are you on?” He even went so far as to lift up my eyelid to see if I was bloodshot. “Can I have some?”

“I’m not high, Crook. Just... contemplating,” I explained.'

“Ah, shit. She did dump you. That’s rough. I could tell you liked her too.” He pushed his little tan concoction toward me once more. “Drink up, Guilty.”

“Still not dating,” I said before tasting Crook’s little cocktail. It wasn’t bad. Too much cream, though. I could do better. “Crook… what do you think it means to have a life?”

“Is this where you tell me you’re dying?” he quipped.

“I’m serious.” I took another sip. “What does it mean to ‘have a life’? Is it having friends?… hobbies?… a job? At what point is there enough going on for you that you actually have a life?”

“How the fuck should I know? I do work. I get dates. I talk to my fellow whores. That’s a life. S’all I really need.” He sipped his own beverage. “Why? You feelin’ like you don’t got a life, Guilty?”

“Actually for the first time, I’m feeling like I’m starting to get one,” I confessed.

“First time? Shit, you had a life in Manehattan, didn’t you?” He sounded almost offended.

I had to think on that one. I had acquaintances. I had Crook. For a time, I had Sunny. The more I thought, the more I decided that I did, in fact, have a life in Manehattan. It was just… different.

“*sigh*… I dunno...” I motioned for him to sit down beside me, which he did. I leaned into his stalwart frame as I drank deep. It had a good flavor, however imbalanced. I may keep some Kahlua handy from now on.

“So anyways, you got any clients tomorrow morning? Or can Pinkie stay overnight if I end up bringin’ her here? Oh and also, where do you keep your potions? You got like a hundred fuckin’ chests in there.” I could hear the gears turning in Crook’s head. He was already creating a strategy to seduce Pinkie Pie.

“No clients. The chest next to the door,” I answered. And so, reveling in the warmth of the fire and Crook's company, I began to doze off.

I have the strangest dreams when I take naps. They’re never… solid. Everything is so ethereal: people, places, objects. It’s all… color without substance. Just smoke and sound.

And I did dream. It was kinda fuckin’ weird, but I remember it pretty well, so here goes:

I dreamt of silver and gold in a world of red. Everything I touched was soft and the air smelled sweet. I dreamt of black and white. My mouth tasted like blood, and the world reeked of sex. I dreamt of cold. Everything was loud and my skull was pounding with pain. I dreamt of yellow, and everything made me feel stupid.

Yellow turned to orange, and that orange turned into a fire, and before I realized it, I was awake again, staring into the flames, still leaning into Crook.

There was drool on my face. I never drool. I wiped it away quickly. “Mmmmhow long was I out?”

I felt him shrug. “Like five minutes.”

I rubbed my eyes and lifted myself up. My face felt warm, but that happens to me when I nap… and drink… and stare at a fire. “Where’s my cocktail?”

“I finished it,” he replied.

I glowered at him.

“The ice was melting! It was gonna go to waste!” he said defensively.

“Fine.” I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t really upset, anyways. “What time’s your date?”

“Shit. Uhhhhh… Six I think?” he mused.

“You think?” I would’ve scolded him if I thought it would have any effect.

“I dunno. I was in the zone. I can’t remember all that shit when I’m too busy being fuckin’ sexy.” He gestured to his entire self. “See this? Takes total concentration to stay at full sexiness.”

“No one expects you to remember everything, Crook. Just, you know… a time… a place… the girl’s name. Those three’ll do ya in a pinch.” I love when I get to act superior with Crook. “You do remember her name, right?”

“Pinkie Pie. I ain’t that stupid,” He assured me.

I opened my mouth to respond.

“And I swear if you say, ‘coulda fooled me,’ I will fuckin’ pummel you.” A large white hoof poked my firmly in the chest.

“Classy,” was my only response.

So some time passed. Crook had another mojito or two. I perused a magazine, read a few articles about mountain paths in the frozen north. They sound pretty amazing. An aurora overhead. Frigid winds. Fifteen thousand feet above sea level. Must be amazing.

Now that I think about it, I’ve been neglecting my non-hiking-related reading. I don’t know what’s ‘in’ or ‘out’ in the fashion world. I don’t know what fruit’s in season. I don’t know anything about books coming out or films or hit songs. I’ve got some catch-up to do.

Anyways, after a time, Crook took off. He quickly brushed his teeth, borrowed a nice looking hat from my closet (without asking), and rushed out the door. Soon Pinkie would be blushing and giggling and having fun with the sexiest stallion Ponyville had ever seen.

So I proceeded to whittle away the hours as I waited for nine. I spent some time cleaning up the bedroom. It was already clean but… it can never be too clean. I washed and put away all the glasses and liquor that Crook had been using. I was just trying to make the place nice for Pinkie. I knew that if she came over it wouldn’t be for a session per se, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have my personal standards. By the time I finished prepping I still had an hour before I was supposed to meet Derpy.

So I… twiddled my hooves. Made myself a snack. Double checked the bedroom. I locked my bedroom, just to be safe. Sat… thought… stretched, anything to make the clock move quicker. It was sort of agony. Time moves slower when you’re waiting for something.

Then the time came for me to leave. I wrapped myself up in scarf and coat once more and stepped into the winter night. It was still nice out. The moon was full; the air was still; I could hear owls hooting. Picturesque. I trotted happily into town. I was almost giddy with excitement. I didn’t know what I was in store for and I didn’t care. Just the idea of a proper get together with a friend was making me grin from ear to ear.

So I arrived. Ponyville’s streets were all but dead. I think I saw one other pony out walking, but I wasn’t really paying attention. I made my way to Derpy’s home. The lights from beyond her shutters shone with a warm glow. Inside I could hear her humming a little song. I trotted up the little path and gave a knock.

“Coming!” she announced from beyond the threshold. It was such a happy little proclamation; normally when she says that it’s more along the lines of “c-c-COMING!”

Ha… sex humor.

The door cracked open. It’s kind of odd; for some reason I was expecting her to be dressed up. I’m not sure why. “Hey Guilty.” It was so casual. Not at all different than normal just… “Hey Guilty.”

Then again, this wasn’t any different than normal… for her. I was practically jumping out of my skin. But her? Just another night out at Carrot Top’s…

‘Oh, fuck me, I’m going to Carrot Top’s. Oh fuck me! I’m going to meet her girlfriend! One way or another this is going to be awkward.’

On the bright side, I wasn’t overly excited anymore.

Still excited, though.

Kinda.

Not much.

Okay, a lot. Still very excited.

Anyways…

“H- *ahem* Hey Derpy.” ‘Nice one.’

She turned back to her house and shouted. “Dinky! In bed by ten!”

“’Kay, Mom!” I heard from some unseen room.

She grinned. “Let’s go.”

And go, we did, through that tranquil night. The snow crunched underhoof, our breaths hung thick and white in the air. I was almost afraid to ruin the perfect scene with a question. “So, uh… who’s coming to this thing?” It seemed a pertinent question.

“Oh just the girls. Goldy, Lily, Lyra, Bon Bon.”

‘Lyra and Bon Bon will be there? Cool.’ I was beginning to feel less apprehensive about the whole thing. More ponies there that I knew and liked? Sounded good to me.

“So what, uh… what happens at these things? You said poker?”

“Poker, drinks, board games sometimes, movies sometimes. It’s just a fun night in,” she said happily.

“Sounds like a plan.” I said more than a little nervously.

As we approached…

Hang on…

My client is here. Time for a good sexing.

Author's Notes:

So it's been a while. I hope you all enjoy. Please throw me thumbs ups and comments and faves and such, it sustains me. 0_0 But seriously, you guys are the best fans, and I hope to keep writing for some time.

Also, just because i think it's likely to come up. I AM aware that the cocktail is called a white russian. However, seeing as there's no "Russia" in Equestria, I approximated it to something universe appropriate.

Many thanks to aquapunkchick, BlackSkulls, coandco, and Jake the Army Guy for editing.