Well, that session proved to be longer than I anticipated. I’m pretty exhausted, so I’m gonna see how much I can write before I pass out. If nothing else, I’ll make sure I get to the important part.

Where was I?

Ah, yes.

Derpy and I approached Carrot Top’s home. It was a nice looking place. Much larger than Derpy’s little hovel. A nice tiled roof, a darling picket fence; it was a pretty nice looking place, to be honest. I could hear Lyra’s voice bellowing joyously from within. With a happy little hop up onto the porch, Derpy ran ahead and knocked on her friend’s door. I followed suit, sans adorable hop.

The door creaked open slowly, revealing the darkened silhouette of Carrot Top. I could just barely make out the look on her face, but it was fucking priceless. Her jaw actually dropped as she tried to comprehend my presence. “Goldy!” said Derpy. “Look who I brought!”

Her jaw continued to dangle beneath her mouth. Words failed her. For a few seconds she just sort of stood there, shocked still. On the hike she was at least ready for me. She knew in advance that I was going to be there. Here she was being blindsided by me, just like Rarity at the spa. And just like with Rarity, I decided to cut her a little slack. “It’s nice to see you again Ms. Harvest. Sorry for coming unannounced.” Apologetic expression. Sincere tone. Nervous scratch at mane.

“You don’t mind, right Goldy?” Derpy wore a mask of glee. Nopony could’ve said no to that face. Nopony.

“Oh…I…uhhhhhhf course not.” Innocent smile. Welcoming gesture. Obliging attitude. “Good to see you again, Mr. Pleasure. Can I take your coats?” Enter Derpy and Guilty.

“Of course. Thank you.” Friendly smile. Small bow. Wait for Carrot Top to take Derpy’s coat.

“Derpy, Bon Bon brought those chocolate pretzels. You should grab some before they’re all gone.” Take Derpy’s coat. Start on Guilty’s coat.

“Oh, yum!” Exit Derpy.

“What the hell are you doing here?!” she hissed.

Ah, there she was. That horrid angry little mare I know so well. Up until that moment we’d both been playing our parts, veiling ourselves in the happy little lie we share (I was a much better performer, by the way). But, the moment Derpy was out of earshot out came the irate whispers and snarky jackassery.

“I’m here for the promise of alcohol and gambling… and maybe a chocolate pretzel. That sounds kinda good,” I responded, dodging the question entirely, like only a master jackass can. It felt so good to just fuck with her a little. I know it wasn’t “professional,” but it was damn enjoyable.

“You know what I mean.” She prodded me with an angry hoof. “What are you doing with Derpy? Did you talk her into bringing you here? Is that it? ” she asked, leaning into my personal space quite a bit.

I gently knocked her hoof away and took a step back. “Geez, right away with the accusations. What is it with you?” I dusted off my coat in an exaggerated fashion. “Derpy invited me,” I explained. “In fact, she insisted I come to this thing. I have company over for a while, but my company made plans, so I had a free night. There. Presence explained. Happy?”

If glaring was sport, Carrot Top could be world champion. Her award winning scowl, however, was interrupted as a lovely pink mare stepped into the entryway where we’d been standing. “Honey, what’s keeping y— Oh!” she said, noticing me. “Who’s your friend?” Now, this was a mare with a winning smile. Her blond mane, the little flower behind her ear, and gorgeous figure, everything about her was just darling.

‘Is this Lily? Oh, that’s a lily in her hair… and her cutie mark is three lilies. Yeah… this is Lily.’

“Oh, uh… um…” Carrot Top stuttered.

‘Find your words. It’s not that hard.’

“Lily, this is—*ahem*—this is Guilty Pleasure. Derpy invited him.” She didn’t need to emphasize Derpy’s name like she did, but she was on the spot.

To Carrot Top’s credit, she actually said words to me that didn’t make it sound like she thought of me as dirt. “Mr. Pleasure, this is Lily. She’s my, uh… I mean she’s—”

“I’m her girlfriend,” said Lily flatly. She held back a sigh. This was clearly a thing between them.

“Y-yeah that,” replied Carrot Top sheepishly. Lily rolled her eyes.

I interjected. “Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Lily. You have a lovely home.” I may have only seen the first few yards of the place, but it was very nice: hardwood floors, a nice ceiling lamp, a very large coat closet. It was very warm too, like Derpy’s place. This home was full of life as well.

Carrot Top cringed slightly at my compliment. Lily smiled falsely. “Oh, no, no. I don’t live here.” The slightest hint of venom in her voice gave away her malice. I’d clearly stepped into yet another thing of theirs. I could sense a little tirade about how she doesn’t live with her girlfriend, and by the looks of it so could Carrot Top. She looked fully prepared to be chewed out but the charming little blonde. Luckily, Lily quickly changed the subject. “I live with my sisters Rose and Daisy. Have you met them?”

‘Rose… that’s the mare that’s always fucking with Junebug, I think. Geez… small towns.’

“Maybe. I might’ve bought sunflowers from them at some point, though.” A wicked idea occurred to me. “I make a mean sunflower sandwich. Don’t I, Ms. Harvest?”

Carrot Top gulped audibly. I think she’d been expecting me to act like we’d never met. I would have, too, if it weren’t for our little expedition to Ghastly Gorge. That was something that had happened off the clock, and that meant that it had happened. After all, Derpy could’ve brought it up as well, and it would certainly be just as awkward then. This way, it happened with as few people watching as possible.

Aren’t I such a gentlecolt?

Lily was understandably perplexed. “Oh, have you two met before?” Carrot Top was still playing catch-up so I oh-so-politely answered for both of us.

“We ended up going on a hike once. Derpy was there. It was just going to be us, but she invited Ms. Harvest along at the last minute,” I explained.

“Yeah, she does that, apparently,” griped Carrot Top. She may have put a smile on her face, and pretended like it wasn’t a gripe, but it was a gripe… aimed at me… and she snuck it right by her girlfriend.

*Sigh*

We’re like bitchy little girls when we’re together.

I just eat it up.

“Oh, I didn’t realize there’d been three of you. I thought it was just Derpy and her. She never mentioned you.” She sort of sounded… suspicious maybe? No, not quite. Something was on her mind, though. ‘Oh, they were fighting that day, weren’t they? I’d forgotten that. That’s gotta be it.’

“Well, we didn’t talk much.” ‘And when we did it was mostly yelling.’ As I stood there I became aware that the three of us had just been standing by the front door for far too long. “Should we join the others?” I offered.

Lily almost looked aghast. “Oh, of course. They’re probably waiting on us.” The three of us then made our way into something of a… den? Rumpus room? Something like that. It was a nice big carpeted room. Couches and chairs surrounded a small coffee table in front of a brick hearth, lit with a crackling fire. The quaint little table was covered with drinks and snacks. There were two-liter bottles of soda, a couple of bottles of wine, trail mix, assorted cheeses, crackers, little cookies and cakes and candies and such. It was a sizable spread.

Lyra and Bon Bon were cuddling on one of the several couches when we entered. Derpy was stuffing her face with what I assumed were chocolate pretzels. “Guilty?” Lyra grinned instantly upon seeing me. “Dude, what are you doing here?” She stood up and instantly offered me a hoof-knock, a social custom I still don’t completely understand. I obliged either way.

“I never expect to see you so soon, Guilty,” said Bon Bon, who stood up to join her lover and offer me a much more sensible hoof shake. “It’s only been a day, hasn’t it?”

“Just about,” I answered with a grin. ‘Food, friends, wine… this is awesome.’

Lily just appeared bewildered as I greeted my newest clients. “Well, now I feel left out. Am I the only pony here that hasn’t met you before?”

“Guhlty! You huff to trah the prshels!” Derpy was suddenly before me. Her mouth was totally full, and she was offering me what was clearly a chocolate pretzel. It honestly just looked like a soft pretzel covered in chocolate. I don’t have much of a sweet tooth, as I’ve said, but I wasn’t going to turn it down. I chomped down the crunchy little thing. It was actually very tasty, sweet and salty and crunchy and melty and soft. Delicious.

I swallowed the thing down. “Are these homemade?” I asked.

Bon Bon spoke up. “Mm-hmm. I sell them in my shop.” Pride lit up her face.

“They’re very tasty,” I said politely, before Lily spoke up again.

“So…wait… how do all of you know Mr. Pleasure?” she asked, desperately trying to play catch-up.

Derpy swallowed her mouthful of sweet-savory goodness before answering. “I’ve been seeing him since he came to Ponyville! He’s awesome!”

Lyra was next to answer. “Bonnie and I paid him a visit last night.” She nuzzled her partner obnoxiously. “Didn’t we, sweetie.”

Bon Bon yelped at the sudden accosting. “GAH! Lyra, quit it!”

Lily took in her friends answers before turning back to me. “So… what exactly do you do Mr. Pleasure? Are you a… therapist?” she guessed.

I looked for any signs of dread from my three clients. None of them seemed afraid of my answer. Was this okay? Could I just come out and say it? It certainly seemed safe to answer. ‘…Okay, fuck it, I’m gonna tell her.’

“Well, Lily, I’m, uh…*ahem*... I’m an escort,” I explained carefully.

“Oh, so you…” For a moment she tried to wrap her brain around my answer. “I’m sorry, how do you mean ‘escort’? You mean like a bodyguard?” Poor girl. Everyone else in the room was on the same page as me. Time to be blunt.

“Well, no. When I say ’escort’ I really mean… you know… ‘prostitute’.” I laughed nervously. It wasn’t false this time, I was actually feeling a little awkward.

Lily’s eyes practically bulged out of her head. “Oh… Oh… Ooooooh…” Realization dawned on her. “You’re him! I never thought… oh my goodness!” Her words were getting away from her. It appeared that my reputation had preceded me. “So wait, you mean… Derpy, when you said you… oh… Oh!” She turned to Lyra and Bon Bon. “And, you two? But you’re… I thought… oh dear.” She almost had to steady herself. Carrot Top just continued to look guilty through the whole affair, staring at the ground while her lover processed everything.

I decided to speak up. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to surprise you or anything.” ‘I should just be polite for now. I don’t know what she’s heard about me or from whom. For all I know she could be one of Applejack’s little sheep.’

“No, no… it’s fine. It’s just… you’re so… kind. The way Applejack talks about you—”

“Fhuk Happljahk!” came a yell from Derpy’s overly stuff mouth.

“What’d you say?” asked Lyra, who was really more interesting in nuzzling Bon Bon than anything.

Derpy swallowed quickly. “Fuck Applejack!” she repeated. “She was so awful today.” Everypony could scarcely believe their ears. Lily brought a hoof over her mouth, while Carrot Top, Lyra and Bon Bon just went wide-eyed.

Lily couldn’t accept what she was hearing. She was just shaking her head. “We… can’t be talking about the same Applejack. She’s not like that,” she tried to explain. Clearly, in her mind there was a misunderstanding on Derpy’s end
.

“No,” Derpy explained. “She was awful. She was bullying Guilty. She was saying such awful things. And she called me stupid.” Derpy told it like it was. All of those things were certainly the truth.

Everypony collectively gasped with the exception of Carrot Top, who was suddenly no longer feeling sheepish. “What?!” she cried, both shocked and furious.

“She called me ‘a few apples short of a bushel’. In front of everypony!” Luckily for Derpy she’d actually calmed down about the whole affair. She didn’t appear as the fragile little mare that I took back to my cottage. She was that little spitfire again.

“This is Applejack we’re talking about, right? Country accent… blonde… always wearing a hat?” Lily was trying as hard as she could to find any explanation.

“I knocked that hat right off her head!” Derpy declared.

Lyra laughed openly, while everyone else’s jaws just dropped. “You hit her?” asked Carrot Top with concern.

Derpy blushed. She realized once again that she’d gotten a bit too passionate about things. “Y-yeah… I hit her.”

“Oh my gosh, Derpy!” exclaimed Lily.

“You got into a fight? Did she hurt you?” Carrot asked, placing a hoof in Derpy’s shoulder. She was clearly worried.

“I’m fine, Goldy. It…” Her blush grew redder. “…it wasn’t really a fight. I just sort of… hit her.” Her head fell. Poor Derpy. She already felt bad about the whole affair, and now it was being paraded around for her.

Once again, I intervened. “Look, I think I started something here that I really wasn’t aiming to… why don’t we change the subject?”

Bon Bon wholeheartedly agreed. “Guilty’s right. Why don’t we sit down. We can sort all this out some other time, right?”

Everypony agreed, even Carrot Top, after she made sure that Derpy hadn’t been hurt. Everyone took a seat around the little coffee table. Lily poured everyone a glass of wine. It was okay, not the best. I held back any comments about how Lily was clearly acting as more of a host even though she didn’t live there. I didn’t feel like opening any more cans of worms.

Even if that would’ve been hilarious.

So, we nibbled at the snacks and sipped at our drinks, some more that others (Lyra). I found Lily’s daisy cakes to be excellent. With better wine and some muffins the atmosphere might’ve been perfect. I gathered that this was a weekly event, and everypony had stories to tell about what had been going on for them. Lyra was apparently going to be making a short trip to Canterlot for a recital of some sort. Bon Bon had a nice little story about a new brownie recipe she’d been trying out; she claimed it was almost perfect. Carrot Top had a fascinatingly dull story about a broken trowel, as well a bit of gossip about some stallion named Lucky. I didn’t really pay attention. Lily and her sisters’ greenhouse apparently had a window broken, which was unfortunate. I suppose, though, that could afford Junebug a little slack in terms of keeping up with Rose.

Derpy’s story was vastly more interesting to myself.

“Okay my turn!” she began, sitting happily in her little chair. “And I was gonna tell you earlier Guilty, but I forgot.”

My ears perked up. “You were going to tell me?” I asked.

“Uh-huh! Mister Crate assigned me a new route. And you’re on it!” She bounced in her seat as she spoke.

I was genuinely pleased. “That’s... that’s awesome, Derpy.” I actually found myself smiling as well. Seeing Derpy every time I had a magazine or a letter was a pleasing prospect. As of yet, I haven’t had anything come in, but… hopefully I’ll see her soon.

I’m getting ahead of myself.

Anyways.

Derpy also had a little story about Dinky to tell. Apparently she going to be playing in some peewee hoofball league, and Derpy was having trouble with the people she was supposed to order her uniform from. It sounded like the people on the other end were being extremely unhelpful, which always sucks.

I had a similar anecdote about ordering some leather bindings that I decided wasn’t appropriate for my present company. As such, I said nothing.

Or at least I tried to. But once everypony had told their story, I noticed that they were looking at me expectantly. “Oh… is it my turn then?” I hadn’t been planning on… sharing anything. I didn’t have any sort of story prepared. Besides, anything interesting that does happen is strictly confidential. “I’m… not really sure what I should say.” I swallowed nervously.

“Oh come on, Guilty,” said Lyra. “You gotta have loads of awesome stories.” Clearly she was hoping for a raunchy tale or two.

I sighed. “I have plenty of stories, but… not many I can really tell.” Anything I could think of was about a client, and therefore off-limits.

“How do you mean?” asked Lily. Everypony else had gathered what I meant, but Lily was totally unaware of the… discrete nature of my work.

Derpy answered her question without hesitation. “Anything that happens with a client is private.” She smiled as she spoke.

Lily looked confused. “But… just a moment ago you told me about a hike you took with Derpy.”

“That wasn’t a session,” I explained. “That was just for fun, I wasn’t getting paid or anything. It’s the same for right now. This is just… hanging with friends.”

“Oh, so you’re… not being paid for this,” she clarified.

I was happy to clear up any misconceptions about my profession. Besides, Applejack had probably been feeding her lies about me for ages. “No, I’m just… here… not costing anypony anything.”

“Huh,” was all she said. She seemed to approve of my actions, which was good, I guess. “Well anyways, if you can’t tell us anything, I understand.”

“Oh! Tell a story about when you and Crook were younger!” offered Derpy.

Lyra and Bon Bon shared a look. “Who’s Crook?” asked the earth pony.

“A friend. He’s in town. Derpy met him earlier when we were grocery shopping.” I decided to skate over the whole Applejack incident and the ensuing fallout.

Lily cleared her throat. “Is he a, uh… you know… as well?” She was clearly a tad uncomfortable talking about my profession, but she was making an effort, and I appreciated that.

“Yeah, he’s an escort too. We go way back.”

“So Derpy said you have stories with this guy?” I could still see a glimmer in Lyra’s eye. She wanted a raunchy story even more now. I decided against obliging her, I was trying to get Lily to like me, not scare her away. I had a more appropriate story in mind. It was a story from way back, back before I was Guilty Pleasure.

I told them about the time Crook stole a crate of absinthe from the royal guard.

It’s a long story, and I told the entire thing. It would take forever to actually write it all out, so I’ll just skip to the ending.

“But you know what real bitch of it was? By the end of the night, every last bottle was broken. We never got to taste one sip,” I concluded with a smile.

Lyra was in tears. Her legs flailed in her raucous laughter. “Oh my gosh! *AHAHA!*” Bon Bon tried to glare at Lyra’s display, but was too busy laughing herself to commit. In fact everypony was laughing at the story. I had such a shit-eating grin on my face. I told a story and everypony loved it. It felt…

…good…

…really really good…

“Oh, Guilty… you’re so silly,” said Derpy. She smiled at me, face filled with genuine joy.

“Okay,” spoke Lily. “I think that’s all the stories anypony can handle.” She was still panting. “If I laugh any more I think I might pass out.”

“I’m so glad you liked it.” I sounded too goofy, looking back. I’d told that story a dozen times, but… never to friends… never to ponies who weren’t paying.

Well… except for Sunny… I told her.

“Of course we liked it. It was hilarious,” explained Lily.

“Well, I’m glad you think so.” I was kind of… genuinely surprised. I didn’t think it would go over well. I don’t know… maybe I was just expecting it to go wrong.

Am I a pessimist?

So after a bit, someone recommended we clear off the table for poker. Everypony helped clear away the remains of the spread. We moved all the platters and plates into the kitchen. After everypony topped off their wine glasses, and took their seats again, Lyra produced a pack of cards.

“You play poker, Guilty?” she asked.

I did my best not to smile. “Yes, Lyra, I play poker.”

“Good,” she said, as she shuffled the cards with her magic. “We’ll try not to shame you too badly,” she said with a smirk.

After that I couldn’t help it. A big shit-eating grin began to emerge on my face. “Oh, how kind of you all. Thank you for going easy on little old me.” I batted my eyelashes.

“Well, we can get pretty competitive,” explained Lily. “We just don’t want you to feel like you were at an unfair disadvantage.”

They had no idea. They couldn’t even fathom how hilarious this was.

“Don’t worry. I’m sure Guilty’ll do fine,” chimed Derpy.

“Well, I’m glad somepony has faith in me.”

“Don’t say we didn’t waaaarn yooou,” sung Lyra.

Everypony gathered around the little coffee table. Carrot Top produced a set of poker chips and began to deal them out. It was a little hilarious, to be honest. The table was far too small to accommodate six players. Everypony was huddled so close together, just to get to the table. The piles of chips had to be stacked high, so they didn’t bleed into each other.

‘Not that it matters, soon all of them will be mine, anyways.’

I was actually planning on losing originally because, well… I’m very good at poker. I didn’t want to be that guy who showed up and cleaned everypony out. Nopony likes to be that guy. That said, after Lyra and them started patronizing me, I felt it was fair game.

So we played. I started out slow, folded a few times, bet on losing hooves, just to get their guards down. I figured them all out pretty quickly. For ponies who claim to be “pretty competitive” they were all fairly easy to read.

Lyra was far the worst offender. She picked up each card as she got it, so I could always tell how strong her hoof was based on how many of the cards she smiled at. Derpy was next, whenever she had a good hoof her eyes would go wide. Lily and Bon Bon were better about it. They still couldn’t help a little smirk every now and then when they had something good. Bon Bon was better at bluffing though, Lily tried too hard to sell it. Carrot Top, interestingly, had a decent poker face. I mean I could still read her, but I doubt anypony else there could.

Geez, I really sound full of myself, don’t I?

So after an assessment of my competitors, I went all out. Well.. not all out. Just out enough to start raking in the bits… err… chips.

It didn’t take too long.

“Crap-fuckin’-Hell!” cried Lyra as the last of her bits made their way over to my pile. “Guilty… I feel like we may have underestimated you.”

I just shrugged in response. I was trying really hard not to gloat about it; it was very tempting. I may or may not still have had a shit-eating grin on my face.

“You’re really good at this, Guilty,” said Derpy, eyeing my sizable pile of chips.

“Yeah really,” agreed Lyra. “His pile’s bigger than his dick.”

“Lyraaaa…” whined Bon Bon, putting her face into her hoof. I chuckled despite myself, and so did Derpy.

“What?” asked Lyra innocently. Lily and Carrot Top appeared as though they were trying to pretend nothing had been said for the last ten seconds. I felt kind of guilty; I didn’t want either of them to be uncomfortable. Then again, I wasn’t the one who said it.

“Anyways,” said Bon Bon in a desperate attempt to change the subject to something other than my genitals. “That just leaves Derpy and Guilty. Lyra, deal the cards.”

Lyra smiled luridly. “Yes, ma’am. I like assertive Bon Bon,” she teased as she nuzzled her lover.

“Lyra. Deal.” Bon Bon was in no mood for Lyra’s shenanigans, clearly.

With a roll of her eyes, Lyra dealt out the cards. I drew two. Derpy drew four. We started betting back and forth. I could tell she was bluffing, she didn’t have much. I, on the other hoof, had three queens, and was feeling pretty good. Derpy had had a run of good luck, and had a fairly sizable pile of chips herself. Before too long, we both ended up going all in.

“Okay, ladies! Let’s see ‘em!” cheered Lyra. This was it… the final round.

“Three queens,” I said, as I laid my cards down.

“A pair of eights!” declared Derpy. She didn’t care that she was losing, she was just happy to play. She was having loads of fun. “Good game, Guilty. You’re really really good.”

So that was that, the game was finished and we—

“Hang on… Derpy, your other cards are all fours,” interjected Lyra.

“They are?” Derpy took a second glance at her cards. “Oh, Hey! Look at that! Still, three fours doesn’t beat three queens,” she said with a shrug.

“Derpy,” I explained, “that’s a full house… you won.”

Her ears shot up. “It is? I did? YAY!” She eagerly grabbed all the chips and slid them to her size of the table. “I win!”

‘Geez… she’s too cute.’ I was happy to lose, to be honest. I’d already made my poker prowess perfectly clear. Not to mention, Derpy got to win. That’s a plus.

“Hey, where did Goldy and Lily go?” asked Derpy. I looked to where the two had been sitting. Sure enough, they were absent. I hadn’t noticed them leave; I was too focused on the game.

“I think they’re upstairs,” answered Bon Bon.

“Aaaw yeah, somepony’s gettin’ bizzay!” said Lyra.

“Actually, I think they’re bickering again,” said Bon Bon, to which Lyra deflated. Bon Bon let out a sigh. “I wish they would patch up whatever’s going on. It’s been worse lately.”

Curious as I was, I didn’t want to get involved in anything as chaotic as a fighting couple. I mean, if Carrot Top and Lily wanted to come in for a session I would gladly help them to the best of my abilities, but beyond that, I was happy to stay as far away as possible.

None of my business.

“So, should we, like… go… then?” I asked. I didn’t know if there was anything else happening tonight. Was ‘girls night out’ over after poker?

“Probably,” replied Derpy, utterly downtrodden. She didn’t like that her friends were fighting, that much was obvious.

Bon Bon sighed. “Well... at least take some food before you leave. I’d hate to force Goldy to eat all these sweets by herself.”

“Dibs on the pretzels!” Derpy shouted.

“Dibs on the booze!” followed Lyra instantly.

Bon Bon’s expression soured. “Lyra... we’re not just going to take Lily’s wine.”

Lyra’s lip pouted in mock disappointment. “Aaaw, but I wanted to get you drunk tonight.”

“Lyraaaaa...” intoned Bon Bon threateningly.

“‘Cause when you’re drunk you let me do naughty things to you.” She put on a great big pair of puppy-dog eyes.

Bon Bon went beet red. “L-Lyra! Don’t just say that.” She shot a quick glance toward Derpy and I. “Th-they can hear you.”

“Aaaaaaw,” Lyra fawned. “You’re so cute when you’re embarrassed.” Lyra chuckled gleefully as she once again nuzzled her girlfriend obnoxiously.

“Lyra, I swear if you don’t— Aahn!” Bon Bon yelped in pleasure as Lyra’s nuzzle gave way to passionate kisses up and down her neck. “Lyra! D-don’t do tha— *gasp*!” Bon Bon’s body practically seized as a delicate hoof traced itself daintily across her cutie-mark.

“Whaaaaaaat? You liiiiiiiiike it,” said Lyra, almost singing. Bon Bon failed to protest. Between the wine she’d already drunk and Lyra’s advances she was definitely ‘feeling the heat’ so to speak. Lyra chuckled incorrigibly. “*HmmHmmHmm* Looks like i don’t need the wine after all.”

Derpy just giggled at the amorous couple’s display. “*hehe* You guys are silly.” Lyra continued to tease and taste her mare unabashedly. Licking and nipping and kissing all along her neck and ear, she managed to make Bon Bon Literally weak in the knees.

Lyra leered at her lover. “Can we go do naughty things now?” she asked.

Bon Bon tried... she really really tried to glare at Lyra’s grossly inappropriate behavior. Try as she might, however, she could only wear a mask of desire. “Fine...*huff*... but grab the daisy cakes.”

Lyra pumped her hoof in the air. “Aw yeah! Cake and sex!”

“Lyra! Now!” shouted Bon Bon, who was already wiggling into her coat. She sounded more desperate than angry.

“Yes ma’am,” cooed Lyra happily. “Bye guys!” she called as she chased Bon Bon out the door.

The two of them make a fairly interesting couple. Lyra seems to revel in embarrassing Bon Bon, but Bon Bon almost seems to enjoy it. Maybe Bon Bon gets off on it. Lyra sure does. They really love each other, too. I mean... really, truly love each other.

Good for them.

“Well, we should go,” said Derpy, still staring at the door through which the lovers had just left. “You gonna grab something?”

I took a glance around, trying to figure out what i could get the most use out of. “I’ll grab the crackers and cheese. Crook loves cheese.”

As I began to gather up my newly claimed hors d'oeuvres, I noticed Derpy kept glancing at the stairs. She let out a sigh and her head fell. “I should probably let them know that everypony’s leaving, huh?”

“Probably.” I found a plastic bag to carry my snacks.

She sighed again. “I’ll be right down.” She disappeared upstairs for less than a minute, and returned with a deflated look on her face. “Alright, let’s go.”

And with that, I began to walk Derpy back home. In all the time it had taken for stories and poker and boozing, the night had become even more still, if that were possible. All the fireplaces and hearths and lanterns had been snuffed, and everypony in town was fast asleep, save Derpy and I. We trotted through that chilly night, leaving wispy trails of our breath and a tiny path of hoofsteps through the snow. The frigid air, the stars above us, it was...

I don’t... I don’t have the word. There’s a word for it, I know there is, but I don’t have it.

Fuck, this is going to drive me nuts.

Well, regardless, I was enjoying myself, revelling in that wonderful icy night. Derpy, on the other hoof, seemed too preoccupied to enjoy the brilliance of the moment. Her mouth kept twisting into concerned expressions, and her gaze kept drifting into the ground. I had a pretty decent guess as to what she was thinking.

“Worried about Ms. Harvest?”

“Yeah…” She trailed off.

There was an awkward little moment of silence, that i decided to break. “Do you, uh, know what it is Lily and she fight about?”

Derpy shrugged. “I’m not sure. I think… *sigh*… I think Lily wants to move in with Goldy.”

“And Ms. Harvest doesn’t want to?”

“Maybe… I just don’t know.” Another moment of silence followed. This time Derpy was the one to break it. “So, why do you call her that?” she asked.

“You mean Ms. Harvest?”

“Mmhmm.”

I pondered briefly how I should answer that. “I don’t think she’d like me to call her ‘Goldy’.”

Derpy cocked her head to one side. “How come?”

“I dunno… just a feeling, I guess,” I lied.

“Aaaw,” lamented Derpy. “I was hoping you two would get along.” Her ears fell a little. “You had fun, though, right?”

“Yeah. It was a blast. I got to whoop everypony at poker.”

Derpy chuckled. “You were super good.” With a flap of her wings she lifted herself off the ground. What is it about pegasi in flight that’s so inherently graceful? Even Derpy, who can be a slightly clumsy flier, looks so impressively delicate. “Looks like I was even better, though,” she taunted, in a hovering show of mock-superiority. She even stuck out her tongue at me a little.

I decided to play along. “Yeah, well… I would’ve won if you knew you had a full house.” I pointed a faux-menacing hoof in her direction.

Derpy’s face twisted in confusion. “Huh?”

“I’m just saying. If you’d known how good your hoof was, I woulda had you.”

She wasn’t following me. “…Why?”

“Because I would’ve known you had a good hoof.”

Still not following. “…How?”

I was actually surprised how easy it was to tell her this. I didn’t stress about sharing my secret with her; I just sort of came out and said it. “Well… ‘cause that’s my special talent.” It came so naturally. I’d hear clients tell me theirs all the time, but it had been so long since I’d actually told anypony what mine was (Pinkie Pie doesn’t count, she figured it out on her own). I feel like it should’ve been harder to say.

I’m glad it wasn’t.

She stopped for a few moments. “…Poker? Really? I’d always thought it was sex.”

I shook my head. “It’s not poker. It’s reading ponies. I can tell when ponies are bluffing.” I squinted my eyes as I realized that Derpy had actually seen me without my jeans on. “How did you think my cutie mark meant sex?”

She shrugged casually. “I dunno. I always thought it was the Camel Sutra or something,” she said with a grin. “But that’s a pretty cool talent. No wonder you’re better than a therapist.”

“Hehehe… yeah,” I agreed. “There have actually been a few times I’ve considered becoming a legitimate therapist. College is expensive, though,” I lamented. It’s honestly not something I’ve considered very seriously. I’ve never liked school in the first place.

“Ugh… I know the feeling. I’m still trying to figure out if I’m going to be able to send Dinky to college.” Derpy took a deep breath to calm herself. I’d touched a nerve.

I decided to try and help calm her. “Meh. College isn’t everything. Hell, I didn’t graduate high school and I turned out okay… at least I think I did.”

Derpy paused. “You always know what to say, don’t you Guilty?” She was smiling again, thankfully.

I shrugged. “I’ve had lots of practice.”

“Hehe... yeah.” She landed beside me, apparently done with her little flight. “Mind-reading is an awesome talent. Much better than mine,” she said.

‘Wait... what is Derpy’s special talent?’

I scanned my memories, looking for some conversation where we’d discussed this. Sadly, I could recall nothing.

‘How...How do I not know this?!’

“Oh, my celestia, I just realized I don’t know what your special talent is,” I blurted rather mindlessly.

She just laughed at that. “Hehe. It’s kinda weird.”

“Oh?” I was curious to say the least.

“It’s... smiling... I guess,” she explained with a blush.

“How do you mean? I mean you have a great smile, of course, but I never thought that that—”

“No not like that. It’s... okay so, what I was a filly, I got picked on alot; I’ve told you that.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Well... I got my cutie mark once I figured out that I didn’t have to let all of that get me down. It’s like... keeping on smiling even when the world wants you to frown.” She blushed at her own corniness.

“...Huh,” I remarked, the picture of elegant conversation.

“I told you it was weird.”

I mulled over this information for a few moments before I responded. “Perseverance is a good talent.”

She grinned. “Thanks, Guilty.”

We didn’t speak after that, not until we made it to her place. As I approached her home I noticed that all the lights were off. “Well… looks like Dinky went to bed.”

“Yeah, she’s a good girl,” said Derpy with a face full of pride. She fucking loves her kid, that’s for sure.

“So this is you.”

“This is me.”

“See you Sunday?”

“Mmhmm. I’ll bring some banana muffins.”

“Awesome.”

“*Heeheehee*… you really like muffins, huh?”

“I guess I do.”

She smiled at me. It was such a warm smile. A smile that was happy to be in that exact moment. “Goodnight, Guilty.”

“Goodnight, Derpy,” I said back.

So, I watched her walk away. I watched her trot down that little stone path to her front door. I wasn’t watching her ass, or anything, I was just watching her. She opened up her home. She turned around. She waved with that big happy smile. She turned back around. She stepped inside. And then she was gone.

And I was alone.

Alone out in that frozen night.

Alone in the snow and the cold and the quiet and the dark.

And what happened next took me complete surprise.

As I stood there, a smile began to form on my face. As I smiled, my mouth began to form shapes, and my throat began to make noises, almost as though I were saying something. Now I was not totally in control of these actions, I swear. My body moved of its own accord. I had absolutely nothing to do with the sounds I made, and those sounds came together to form words, and those words came together to form a sentence that I was in no way ready for.

“Geez... I love that mare.”

Author's Notes:

Well, it's about time, right? Just so you know, this has always been the intended direction of this story, I've been planning this since the beginning.

Thanks to my editors aquapunkchick, BlackSkulls, coandco, and Jake the Army Guy.

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