Dear Journal,

After sleep and breakfast, I’m feeling quite rested. I have a client this evening, but that gives me plenty of time to write. Hopefully I can get through everything else before she shows up.

I’ll pick up where I left off.

Crook and I were heading into town. I’d wriggled into my jeans and brushed my mane, threw on a nice thick jacket, grabbed some saddlebags for each of us and the two of us set out.

I already had a decent plan. I was going to show Crook around town first, show him what meager few sights Ponyville has to offer. The Library would be my first stop; it’s a pretty cool looking building. As a bonus, it would give me a chance to hopefully clear things up with Spike, maybe grab that book about Zebras this time. After that, maybe Pinkie’s Bakery. Or wait… not Pinkie’s Bakery, she just works there. Regardless, it’s also a pretty neat looking place. After that, though, I didn’t really have a plan. I figured Crook would probably find something (or more likely some mare) to entertain himself.

So, the two of us began the long march into town. The snow crunched underhoof. Junebug’s tracks leading from my cottage were still visible, a guilty little trail sneaking away in the snow. I briefly hoped no one saw her slinking back into town. That would just suck.

“Fuck, Guilty. Seriously, why do you live all the way out here?” Crook griped, shivering.

“A few unhappy citizens made a case to the mayor that the nature of my work was not appropriate within city limits.” I explained cattily. “Too many kids running around town all day; you never know when they might hear something. Celestia forbid a parent be forced to explain what sex is to their child.” I rolled my eyes. “Fuckin’ hicks.” It felt good to call them that. It really did.

“S’fucked up Guilty.”

“Yeah, well…” I let out a long sigh. I could see my breath hang in the air as I did. I love being able to see my breath, it’s so fun. Sometimes as a kid I would spend hours at a time outside just watching my breath float away, pretending I was a dragon or something.

Who am I kidding? I still do it.

I swallowed as I prepared to breach a subject I really didn’t want to. “So… how’s Ms. Smile?” I knew at some point during this visit I was going to have to ask about her. I figured I should just get it out of the way and forget about it.

“’Ms. Smile?’ Since when do you call her that?” Crook seemed somewhat taken aback, which I was kind of expecting.

“’Mama’ just doesn’t seem… appropriate anymore.” I explained.

“Shit, Guilty, the mare practically raised us.” Crook’s brow furrowed. “What the fuck happened between you two?”

“I don’ wanna fuckin’ talk about it.” For all the positive energy Crook carries around with him, he sure knows how to dig up unpleasant memories.

“Why? You fuck her?” Oh Crook. Ever Blunt.

“For fuck’s sa-… No… I didn’t fuck her, Crook.” I could hardly believe he’d actually just asked that. Cherry Smile was like a mother to us. That would just be… *shudder*

I don’t even want to imagine that.

“Then what happened? What the fuck were you doin’ for her at the end there?” If nothing else he was persistent.

“Why don’t you ask her?” I was deflecting.

“I did. She said to ask you.” That sounded like Ms. Smile, alright.

“Look, can we not do this right n-”

“Since when do you keep secrets from me, huh?” He was upset, but… not angry.

“It’s just… I don’t wanna think about it, Crook, and I want to talk about it even less. Aright?” That seemed to satisfy him for the time being. Crook might be a forceful son of a bitch, but he knows when to back off.

Sometimes.

Ponyville wasn’t too lively that morning. The winter can have that effect. Windows were closed up tight. Chimneys were spewing smoke into the sky. Most ponies were tucked away inside, relishing in the warmth of their fires, and in the company of their loved ones. The streets had been plowed, thankfully, so we were no longer trudging through snow.

Now, though they were markedly less crowded, the streets of Ponyville were not empty. Citizens still walked the streets, wrapped up tight in winter clothing, going about their daily business. I still received the occasional nervous glance from a blushing client, overheard a whisper or two. Even in Winter, Ponyville is still Ponyville it would seem. And even in coats and scarves, mares are still mares, a fact Crook was always eager to thoroughly investigate.

He spent the larger part of or little trip to the library ogling mares, throwing them suggestive glances. More than a few of them blushed. Crook has always been good at flirting. He’s sort of naturally talented at making mares want him.

“Damn, Guilty… you are a lucky lucky escort, all these pretty girls to yourself.” Crook winked at a passing mare, who giggled despite herself.

I shook my head. “They’re not all clients Crook.”

“Give it time.” He assured me. “Before long, you won’t be able to walk down the street without being recognized.”

I face-hooved.

“So where’re we headed anyway? What does your little backwater burg have to offer? Aside from all the tail, I mean.” Crook seemed to be looking around for anything interesting, only to be disappointed. Beautiful though it may be, Ponyville really isn’t… exciting.

“We’re going to the library.” I answered.

“Lame.”

I rolled my eyes. “I gotta couple things to take care of. I need this book on-”

“Lame.”

I laughed despite myself. “I’m gonna fuckin’ smack you.”

Crook snorted. “What? Books are fuckin’ lame.”

I sighed contentedly. I love his banter. “You’re such a meathead.”

He gave me a jab in the shoulder for that.

The two of us continued down the streets of the town until, at last, we reached the impossible tree-building that was Ponyville’s Library. “Well… at least it’s cool lookin’.” Crook admitted.

“Yeah, the librarian’s not bad lookin’ either.” Crook perked up. “Oh, that got your attention.”

“Books might be lame, Guilty. But booky girls?” He trailed off and gave me a knowing look.

I would say Crook has a thing for nerdy girls, but to be honest he has a thing for everything. Crook likes mares. All of them.

I knocked on the library’s little front door. ‘Hopefully this won’t be too painful. Apologize to Spike, find that book again, figure out how to bed Zecora, and hopefully avoid any discussion of Twilight’s boyfriend. All should be well.’

I heard the pitter patter of dragon… paws(?)… scampering towards the door. ‘I’m forgetting something…’ The door opened with a creak. ‘Definitely something I should’ve done…’ Behind the threshold stood Spike, ready to welcome us into the library. ‘Oh shit I didn’t warn Crook there was-’

“A fucking dragon?!” Crook stared wide-eyed at the two feet of purple scales standing before us.

An awkward moment hung in the air while Spike just stared at Crook for a moment. Eventually he directed his attention to me. “Friend of yours?”

I scratched at me neck nervously. “Yeah… sorry about that. Crook, this is Spike. He’s the librarian’s assistant.”

“Guilty... he’s a dragon.” Crook had a big dumb smile on his face. He was excited, and understandably so. Dragons are just sort of legendary. Before Spike, I’d never actually met a dragon. Thinking back, I guess I was sort of surprised myself.

“Yes yes.” I turned my attention to the baffled dragon in the doorway. "Hi… Spike, right?” I didn’t actually need to ask; I remembered his name. It just seemed appropriate.

“Yeah… I uh… I don’t think I ever got your name.” He definitely remembered me, but he didn’t seem… upset… scared… angry… ashamed… anything. I was expecting some sort of tension or awkwardness, but he was honestly acting like nothing was wrong.

‘*Sigh*… kids are never going to make sense to me.’

“Oh, I’m Guilty and my excitable friend here is Crook.” This was weird. I had come here to apologize, but it was beginning to look like he wasn’t really expecting one. I wasn’t really sure what to do with this situation. ‘Should I apologize and look like a nutjob? Or should I just finish reading the book and let my guilt slowly eat away at me. Decisions decisions.’ I placed my ludicrous inner turmoil aside. “May we come in?”

“Sure, the library’s open and all.” He stood aside for us to enter. “Twilight’s not available, though.” he said as we entered.

“Who’s Twilight?” asked Crook.

“The librarian.” I answered. Crook began to sulk. He’d been looking forward to an eye-full.

“So… you want me to grab that book again?” inquired Spike.

“Oh, uh… yeah, actually. You don’t mind?” I was kind of distracted; I was trying to figure out how to work my apology into conversation as casually as possible.

“No prob. Lemme just grab it.” Spike ran off and I decided to follow him, best to do this like a bandage, just rip it off. Crook apparently decided to follow me, as well.

“So hey… uh… Spike?” ‘Just get it out of the way, Guilty’

“Hmm?” he said, as he began to peruse one of the shelves.

‘Just DO it.’ “Sorry I yelled at you last time I was here.” ‘There. Over. Done. Apology Completed. See? That wasn’t so bad.’

“Aaaah, don’t sweat it. You were upset; I understand.” I raised a brow. I hadn’t been expecting such a mature response.

“Oh… well… I’m glad you see it that way.” ‘Seriously, it was that easy?’

“Mmhmm. Here’s your book.” He pulled a familiar weathered tome from the shelf.

“What’s that?” asked Crook.

“Just something that should help me ‘get to know’ a local Zebra.” I couldn’t help but grin at the thought of “getting to know” Zecora. Crook punched me in the shoulder and grinned wickedly while Spike, who seemingly remained oblivious of my innuendo, handed me the book.

“So just like last time, you can read it here, but you can’t check it out. Don’t try running off with it like last time. Hehehe,” said Spike before he scampered off, and returned to his duties. He was even joking about it. What was with this kid? In some ways he was so grown up, but he was still definitely a child.

Whatever the case, I hunkered down at a nearby desk and tried to find my place in the book again. Before I even began, Crook was airing complaints. “You said there was a pretty librarian, Guilty.”

I shrugged. “I didn’t know she’d be busy. Find a book, entertain yourself for Luna’s sake.”

He snorted. “Fuck that.” He sighed heavily. “How long is this shit gonna be? I thought you were showing me what this town has to offer.”

‘I kind of am, there’s not much to show.’ He was making research impossible. I needed to distract him. “Why don’t you talk to the dragon, Crook? Go find out if he can breathe fire or something.” That excitement of his reared its head again, and without a word he rushed off. After that I actually managed to find what I was looking for. It was long and wordy, so I’ll paraphrase

As it turns out, Zecora is something called a shaman, or in training to be one. What that apparently means is she has spent years mastering the arts of Zebra Magic. Now, I understand less about magic than I do about Zebra culture, but apparently this is a big deal. The book went on to say that for a shaman to complete their training they must go on some kind of ‘pilgrimage.’ The specifics were vague, but I think that maybe Everfree Forest was the destination for that pilgrimage.

Here’s the fucking kicker, though. During their training, shamans are to “Abstain from the pleasures of the flesh.” Needless to say, I was disappointed. I’d been cock-blocked by a book… kind of.

“Fucking shit.” I muttered. I slammed the book with spiteful malice.

“Hey! Careful with that; it’s an antique!” Came a chiding voice from behind me.

I spun around. Staring daggers at me was Ponyville’s lavender librarian. “…Sorry…” was all I could manage while under her barbed gaze. I swallowed. Twilight was mad at me. I sort of froze. I don’t do so well when clients are mad. I was half expecting her to smack me with that look she was giving me.

Instead she recognized me and immediately blanched. Talk about a mood swing. “O-o-oh… u-um… hello there, uh… sir.”

‘Is that her idea of non-chalant?’

I instinctively offered a comforting smile. “Relax, Twilight. Breathe.”

“Y-yeah… sorry… you just kind of… surprised me.” She began to blush. I forgot how much she could blush.

“It happens all the time. Don’t sweat it.” I unconsciously began to treat this as a session. I seamlessly fell into character. “And I’m sorry about the book. I just… didn’t agree with what I was reading.”

“I-it’s okay. I’m just… I didn’t mean to snap.” Her ears fell and she looked down ashamedly.

“Hey, I deserved it. It’s an old book and I wasn’t showing it its due respect.” I reassured her.

She looked up at me and smiled despite herself.

‘Her eyes are red and puffy. She’s been crying.’

If I hadn’t let myself fall into full on escort mode, I might have let it slide. But things being as they were, the moment I noticed I immediately said something.

In retrospect that was kind of stupid considering I’d been hoping to avoid a discussion about her boyfriend.

“Is something wrong?” Concerned expression. Earnest Voice. Comforting hoof on shoulder. I didn’t really need to ask, of course, gossip had told me enough to know what was going on.

“N-no. I’m okay. I’m just…” she trailed off. “Were you done with that?” She indicated the source of my recent disappointment.

“Uhh, yes actually. I… found what I was looking for.” Her magic scooped up the book and delicately slid it back into its shelf… all the way across the room. I let out a low whistle. “That’s some range you have. You weren’t kidding about your special talent.” I complimented.

She grinned timidly. “You remembered that?”

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I? It was only months ago.” I joked.

She laughed. It sounded strained, but only slightly.

“So how are you Twilight?” I motioned for her to sit with me, and she obliged. We may have been in public, but the place was empty so I risked a little ‘shop talk’. “It’s been a long time.”

“Yeah, I guess it kinda has.” She briefly scanned the library floor. “Did you see Spike when you came in?”

“Yeah, he let me in.” I answered.

“Do you know where he is?” She seemed nervous; probably worried that he would walk in on some unsavory conversation.

“My friend is probably talking his ear off. He seemed interested in learning a bit about dragons.” ‘To say the least.’

“Oh… good.” Her head fell, and she began to stare at the desk.

And then came the sobbing.

“Hey hey hey, what’s the matter?” I asked.

Twilight hurried to her hooves. “S-sorry *sniff*… I *ahem*… I didn’t mean to… *sniff*… I’m sorry.” She began to trot away.

“Whoa, where are you going?” I moved to follow her.

“I… *sniff*… I-I didn’t mean to…” She sounded so fragile; she was about to completely burst into tears. She began to rush toward a door at the far end of the floor.

I almost followed her. It took me a little while to realize that it wasn’t really my place to be helping her. I’m not really her friend, I’m just her Escort. If Twilight wants to talk to me she can always make an appointment.

Still, I can’t help but feel like a jerk. It sort of seems like I’m trying to turn Twilight’s woes into a quick buck. It’s like I’m ignoring her now, so that I can help her when it can profit me.

I’m not trying to take advantage of my position, it’s just that… an appointment is really the only context in which I can do help her. Scratch that; that’s the only context in which it’s appropriate to help her.

At the same time, though, it’s… tough for me. I want to help everypony I can; I’m good at helping ponies with this kind of thing.

The argument to this is age old: If I give away what I have for free, why would anypony feel like paying for it? Now, cynical as that sounds, it is a valid point. If I go around helping everypony with their stress, they’ll never need to pay me a visit.

It just makes me feel so… greedy. I feel like I’m withholding relief from ponies who need it.

I know that’s not what I’m doing, it’s just…

It’s frustrating at times.

Is this what they call a Celestia Complex?

*Sigh* I do actually hope that Twilight does stop by. I’d love to be able to help her with what’s ailing her.

Anyways…

So off Twilight ran, her shame and grief pushing her into some dark corner of her home. For a moment I just stood like a statue in the middle of the main floor, watching the door through which she escaped. “Fuck…”

Crook’s voice sounded behind me. “What happened? I heard a door slam.” He trotted in with Spike, who was, for some reason, on his back.

“Was it Twilight?” asked the dragon.

I nodded. “Is she okay?”

“Yeeeaaaaah not so much. Her and her ‘boyfriend’ had a fight or something. I think they sort of… broke up.” Spike explained. I’d figured as much. “Either way, she’s not really talking to me about it.”

“Hey, don’t take it personally ki- Spike. I don’t think she really wants to talk to anypony about it.” I almost called him kid again.

“Yeah, yeah…” He stared absently at the floor.

Crook decided to chime in. “So, you all set?” He motioned for Spike to hop off, which he promptly did.

“Pretty much. You good to go?”

“Yeah, S’get the fuck outta here.” Spike couldn’t help but to cover his ears at the word ‘fuck.’ “See you later Dragon dude.” Crook extended him a hoof.

Spike took his paws off his ears and met Crook in a hoofshake… err… Pawshake. Clawshake?

Whatever.

I bid Spike a quick farewell, and the two of us took our leave of Ponyville’s library. “You find what you were lookin’ for?” Crook asked.

“Yes… unfortunately.” I grunted.

“Unfortunately?” Mimicked Crook. “So you don’t get to fuck this Zebra?”

“Looks like no.” I took a quick look around. It was now afternoon and the streets of Ponyville were getting a little more full. “So, what did you and the kid talk about?” I spent a fair amount of time on that tome. Crook and Spike must’ve found something to talk about.

“A fuckton, actually. Oh, by the way, he can breathe fire. It’s crazy.” Said Crook giddily.

“Yeah?” I was half listening. I was trying to figure out which way to head next.

“Yeah, it’s like… mail breath.”

I stopped and turned to him as I tried to find a rational concept to put behind his words. I failed to do so. “…What?” I threw him a look like he was crazy. What the fuck could he possibly mean by that?

“His breath, it’s like… magic or… somethin’. If he burns up a scroll or anything, it gets sent to Princess Celestia.” He casually explained.

“Wait… Celestia?” I was having trouble believing that.

“Yeah, Spike said that that Twilight girl, is the Princess’s personal protégé.” Crook smirked. “Apparently he sends letters to her all the time.”

If I hadn’t already stopped in my tracks I would’ve again. My blood ran cold. ‘Well I need to get going, I have a letter to write.’ That’s what she said. That’s what Twilight said at the end of our session.

There’s… there’s no way. She wouldn’t tell the Princess of the fucking nation about a pseudo-sexual exploit with a male escort…

…right?

I sturdy hoof shook me. “Hey Guilty… y’aright?” I’d sort of spaced out. The implications of Twilight’s words were… unsettling.

I shook my head to clear it. “Yeah I’m just…” My stomach rumbled audibly. “…hungry apparently. You?”

“Fuck yeah. Starving. Good food around here?”

“I dunno; there’s a couple places. If you feel like not caring, we could just say ‘fuck it’ and have pastries for lunch.”

Crook grinned. “I’m lovin’ the hedonism, Guilty.” I laughed, and the two of us made out way to Pinkie’s Bakery.

Wait. Not Pinkie’s. She just works there. Damn it. I always do that.

As we walked Crook continued to tell me all about his talk with Spike. It sounded like Crook had asked him every question he could think of. He can’t fly yet. He eats gemstones. He’s fireproof. He has a pet phoenix chick apparently, which is pretty cool. He has a crush on Rarity, of all ponies.

Oh and here’s something. He’s sixteen. That just blew my mind. I mean, if I think about it, it makes sense. Dragons live for ages. Of course they’d be kids for a long time. It sort of explains why he’s so tough to read. He hasn’t physically matured, but he’s still had plenty of life experience. He’s in a part of his development that ponies don’t really have. Fucking trippy. It certainly makes him interesting.

Not that he has any trouble with that. He’s a fucking Dragon.

Having Crook with me in town was actually fairly nice. He’s a good distraction; his constant conversation kept my attention away from the stares and whispers. It was almost like I was back in Manehattan. Just me and Crook. Nopony else mattered. All the anxiety and stress and worry and fear of walking through the streets almost didn’t exist. We were just… hanging out. It felt good.

When we entered the bakery we were greeted by two things: the smell of freshly baked sweets, and a long-ass line.

“Fuuuuck” Crook immediately groaned.

“Don’t worry, the food’s real good here.” I assured him. “It’ll be worth the wait.”

“It better be.” He mock-threatened, before smirking and throwing me yet another punch in the shoulder.

As a matter of fact, he hit me so much while he was here, my shoulder still hurts.

Ah, friendship.

The two of us queued up. The mare right in front of us was a client: Marigold. She really likes it when I give her head. Half of her sessions don’t even end in real sex, which is just fine in my book. She didn’t seem to take notice of me.

I was keeping a wary eye out for Applejack. I’d hate to have a repeat of the last time I was in the bakery.

When I got to the front, Pinkie was at the register. She was her usual bouncy self, just a fuzzy pink ball of energy. The first thing she did at the sight of me was smile from ear to ear. “Oh my gosh, hi Guilty! I haven’t seen you in forever! How have you been? Are you hungry? What can I get you?”

Crook just stared wide eyed at Pinkie’s spirited display.

I chuckled. I’d forgotten just how hyper this mare could be. “Hi Pinkie. I’ve been well, thanks for asking. Could I get two slices of…” I quickly scanned for something good looking. “…carrot cake?”

“Two slices? Somepony must be hungry.” Pinkie giggled as she began to ring me up.

“Actually one is for my friend, here.” I indicated Crook, who offered a friendly smile.

Pinkie directed her attention to him, before letting out a positively enormous gasp. “*GAAAAAAAAAAASP* Oh my goodness! You’re Guilty’s friend! What’s your name? Are you from Manehattan? How did you meet Guilty? Are you an escort too? Do you like parties? I have so many questions!” She had practically jumped over the counter by the time she finished ranting.

Crook let out a low whistle. “Wow, Guilty. You didn’t tell me the girl who worked here was such a cutie pie.” That was just like Crook. He’ll take any opportunity to flirt.

“Don’t be silly,” said Pinkie with a wave of the hoof. “I’m not a cutie pie; I’m a Pinkie Pie.” She laughed at her own joke and extended a hoof to Crook.

“Crook.” He said simply. A sly smile crept onto his face as he took her hoof. It was a look I recognized all too well. He wanted to fuck Pinkie Pie. “Nice to meet you, Pinkie.” Crook’s smart about flirting; he knows not to lay it on too thick. He’s just attentive and interested and behaves like a gentlecolt.

“Hiya, Crook! What can I get you? A scone? A cupcake? Some fresh baked cookies? Oh I know, how about an apple fritter? An apple tart? Apple dumplings? Apple P-”

“Actually, I think my friend here already ordered for me.” He vaguely gestured in my direction.

“Oh yeah! Carrot Cake! I’m on it!” Pinkie gave a quick salute and served up the cake. “Here ya go!” She happily handed us each a big slice of carrot cake on a little paper plate. I thanked her as Crook and I headed to grab a seat, leaving her to deal with her next customers.

She’s very nice to all of her customers. She said once that she considers me a friend, but I think she considers everypony a friend. Still, I’m no less grateful for that friendship. I could use a few more friends, probably.

“So I’m definitely asking her out.” Proclaimed Crook as we sat at an available table. “Any advice? What do we know about little miss baker here?” That was just like him. Crook could just… never get enough plot. He may not have taken clients as often as I did, but he almost always had a mare to share a bed with if he really wanted. He would just… pick up mares without trying, take them home, and fuck them stupid.

I never really saw the point to it back then. If I ever particularly desired sex, (not that I ever really did) I could just grab a client. I’d get laid and paid.

That rhyme was unintentional.

Crook loved his job, but he’d rather just pick up a mare given the choice. I asked him once why he bothered, and I just replied that it was more fun.

Despite that, he never really had a serious relationship. He’d have little flings all over the place, but never really had a real girlfriend. In all honesty, I think he doesn’t really want one.

Still, I had to think about what I could share with Crook about Pinkie. I mean, Crook and I would swap notes about mutual clients all the time, but… it somehow didn’t feel appropriate, I mean… they were just clients and we were just escorts…

None of those clients were my friends.

It just didn’t… it didn’t feel right with Pinkie, especially considering how shy she was about the food-play
.

So I tried to think of something I could get away with; I decided on something fairly harmless. “Last I heard she was looking for something serious, so… make sure she knows you’re not in town that long.”

Crook clicked his tongue and furrowed his brow. “Geez, Guilty. No shit. I’m not stupid.” He huffed and bent down to take a bit of his cake. His eyes grew wide as the flavor hit his tongue. “Dis is guhd.” I took a bite myself. It was good. Damn good. Not full-on-pastry-related-erection-good, but still damn good.

Crook and I chatted briefly. I confessed that there wasn’t really much more to Ponyville aside from shopping. He inquired as to how I hadn’t killed myself yet. I told him about how I’d taken up hiking. He laughed at me. I told him to go fuck himself. He made a lewd joke at my expense. I called him a nasty name. He told me to suck his dick. I told him I didn’t want to choke to death. He laughed. I laughed. We had a good time.

Once we finished our cake Crook kept an eye on the line, looking for lull in customers, hoping to get some face time with Pinkie Pie. Without the distraction of Conversation, I once again started to notice how most of the other bakery-goers were very interested in their meals. I caught an odd stare from an older stallion. I heard somepony whisper the word ‘whore’ somewhere behind me.

Ah, Ponyville. What a charming little burg.

“Well, shit. If it ain’t Guilty Pleasure, actually out on the fuckin’ town. And look, he’s got a boyfriend. How sweet.” A familiar throaty voice mocked from behind me.

“Close Shave.” I said before spinning around to face my abusive barber. “Still alive, then?”

Close scoffed. “Don’t worry, I plan on outliving your dumb ass.” He nodded toward Crook. “So, who’s your faggot friend? He needs a haircut… so do you.” He pointed a threatening hoof at my mane. It wasn’t that long. Close is so uptight.

Crook, finally noticing that we had company, turned his attention back toward the two of us. “Who’s this asshole?” he asked in a deliberately dickish fashion.

“Watch your fuckin’ language, kid.” Warned Close.

“Make me, ya’ fuckin’ fossil.” Baited Crook.

Close scowled. “Son, you are walkin’ down a road you reeeaaally don’t want to.” He took a step towards Crook, and pushed his face right up into his.

Crook is not one to back down from a challenge. He adopted a low stance and pushed right back. “Watch where you put that horn.”

The tension was getting pretty thick. Ponies were starting to stare at the two large white stallions standing off on the bakery floor. I decided to defuse the situation.

I rolled my eyes exaggeratedly. “Oh for Celestia’s sake. Just kiss already!”

Crook immediately burst into laughter. “*Snnnrk* For fuck’s sake, Guilty… that one always gets me.” Close just looked confused as his would be opponent cast off all sign of aggression at the drop of a hat.

Introductions were in order. “Crook, this is Close Shave, he runs a barbershop in town. “Close is this is Crook, he and I came up together.” They shook hooves.

There were a lot of hoofshakes that day now that I think about it.

“Had you goin’ there, didn’t I?” Crook asked to Close.

“Boy, I’ll say.” Close released his grip. “I was about to mop the floor with you, kid.”

“As if. You woulda thrown a punch and broken a hip or some shit.”

These two were like a perfect storm of angry Manehattanite. It was sort of beautiful. The machismo was thick and the accents were thicker. It felt like home again. It’s just not Manehattan if two angry assholes aren’t yelling at eachother. The best part was that they both had great big smiles on their faces. It probably was just as nostalgic for Close as it was for me, and as for Crook… Crook just loves to fight.

While the two continued to verbally bitch slap each other, I noticed that the line had completely vanished. “Crook.” I called.

“What?” he responded, annoyed.

I just nodded toward Pinkie.

He caught my meaning. “Shit. Thanks.” He quickly trotted over to Pinkie’s register and grabbed her attention.

Close watched on as Crook began to work his magic. “You know when I walked in here and saw that asshole: the stoic expression, the white coat, the athletic build. I thought he might be a Royal Guard… and then he opened his fuckin’ mouth.” He chuckled. “Fuck me, does that kid has a mouth on him.” He was still smiling.

I nodded. “Yeah, he really does.” Crook was already making Pinkie blush. “So how’s life, Close? What brings you to the bakery?”

He sat beside, harrumphing as he did. “Life’s good. The wife wanted me to pick up some tarts. We got company over.”

“So why aren’t you in line?” I asked.

“I’ll let’cher friend talk to the girly. I can spare a little time.” He smirked as Pinkie Pie grinned happily at Crook.

“How very considerate of you. Who are you and what have you done with Close?” I jabbed.

“Cute kid… real fuckin’ cute.” He snorted at me. “So what about you? What’re you up to? How’s that girlfriend of yours?”

I immediately buried my face in a hoof. “How many times do I have to say it, Close? Not a girlfriend, just a platonic female friend.”

“And how many times do I gotta tell you there’s no such thing?” He shook his head dismissively.

I rolled my eyes. “Anyways, she’s fine I guess. It’s been almost a week since I saw her.”

He frowned at me. “Tsk Tsk, Guilty, that’s no way for a stallion to treat his mare.” He teased.

I groaned. “I hate you so much.”

“Yet you’d be lost without me.” He smirked. He was loving torturing me. “Seriously, though. How’s life kid?”

“Life’s fine. Business is good. Friend’s in town. I don’t really have the equipment to go hiking in the snow, so none of that for a while.” I explain.

“Oh yeah. I forgot all about your bullshit obsession with hiking.” He chuckled. “You’re such a fuckin-”

“Guess who has a date tonight!” Crook noisily interrupted.

Close’s expression jumped from angry to Impressed. “Geez, kid, you work fast.” He remarked.

“What can I say, I’m quite the catch.” Crook smiled. He has such a shit-eating grin at times.

“Looks who thinks he’s Celestia’s gift to mares.” Jabbed Close.

“What’s yer damage, pal? I got a way with the ladies, you don’t have to be jealous.” Taunted Crook.

“Who’s jealous? I got a smokin’ wife waitin’ fer me… Oh shit.” Close quickly left the table and made his way to the register.

“Poor old dude, forgot why he was even here. Must be gettin’ soft in the head.” He turned his attention back to me. “So, you mind if I bring her back to your place?”

I shrugged. “Well considering the fact that if I say yes, I think you’re going to do it anyways, I’m gonna go ahead and say no, I don’t mind.” I didn’t doubt that he would succeed in seducing Pinkie, he’s good at that.

Shoulder Punch. “Thanks, Guilty, You’re a pal. Mind if I use all that shit you got stashed away in those chests?”

I shrugged again. “Go for it.” I made a mental note to wash everything in my chests, just in case.

“What would I do without you?” He crooned.

Across the floor I saw Close practically running out of the Bakery. “I expect to see both your asses in my chair tomorrow!” He called.

Crook just looked befuddled. “What the fuck is he talking about?”

“Barbershop, remember?” I reminded him.

“What’s wrong with my mane?!” He ran a hoof through his locks. “This thing is beautiful.” He said in a very self-satisfied manner.

“Yes, you’re very pretty. You ready to help me carry a ton of food?” I asked

“Sure, let’s go.” So we left. Crook winked at Pinkie as we left. She blushed and giggled. Close was right, he does work fast.

So we made our way down to Barnyard Bargains to pick up some amenities. There was no market that day, unfortunately, so I couldn’t pick up any fresh produce. Still, the Grocery store would keep me alive for a while.

Crook continued to wink at every mare that passed by as we treaded down the streets of Ponyville once more. “Don’t you already have a date tonight?” I asked him. I didn’t need to do that, I suppose. I could guess what his answer would be.

“I don’t have a date for tomorrow night.” He responded.

“You’re such a shmuck, Crook.” As I insulted my oldest and dearest friend, we arrived at Barnyard Bargains. When we walked inside we were hit by a wave of freezing air. We stepped into a fucking icebox of a store. “Guilty, my balls just jumped into my lungs! What the fuck?!” It was colder in there than it was outside.

Our knees began to knock and our teeth began to chatter. “F-fuck, I dunno. Let’s just g-grab what I need and g-get out of here.” It was awful. Near as I could figure the freezers and such were still on, but the heaters were out of commission. ‘Just remember, shivering burns calories.’ I reminded myself.

So we grabbed a cart and rushed our asses through the store. We kept our pace up to stay warm. The other shoppers seemed to have the same idea, everyone was shopping at an incredible pace. Food was flying off the shelves. I grabbed what I could: some frozen vegetables, some whole-wheat bread, a few cans of daisy soup, potato chips, whatever I could get my hooves on. Crook secured quite a few bottles of liquor, which rattled as I pushed the cart. It was fine, I could afford it. There was only one thing left to grab: Heaven’s gift to ponies, cereal.

One box.

A single box of Peanut Butter Crisp sat on the shelf. Somepony was eyeing it. ‘Do I risk making a total ass of myself to grab it? I could rush past her and snag it… but I’ll look like a total fucking tool.’ I debated my actions for only a moment. It was tempting, my stash was running low, and Peanut Butter Crisp is a veritable Delicacy.

In the end, I opted not to act like an absolute shit, and let her take the box.

‘Oh well, Guilty. There will be other days, with other cereals. Many a bowl awaits you in the future, and… wait, is that Derpy?’ My subconscious caught me off guard. Sure enough the mare that had just grabbed the last box was my favorite client. She was so wrapped up in coats and scarves I barely recognized her. “Hey! Derpy!” I called as I trotted over to her.

Her head spun around. When she saw me she grinned and waved. “Hey, Guilty!” She slowed her progress down the aisle so I could catch up.

“D-do you know why it’s s-so cold in here?” I asked.

She shook her head. “Nope. Lucky I dressed extra warm, huh?” She said, cheery as always. She really was dressed up, too. She had a big puffy coat, big thick sweatpants, a warm fuzzy scarf . To top it all off she had a cute little beanie, complete with pom-pom. “So, what’s up Guilty? Just shopping?”

“Yeah just g-grabbin’ a few things to keep me fed…” I responded.

She eyed my cart. “Throwing a party?” she asked. I followed her gaze to the massive amount of liquor sitting in my cart. I chuckled nervously, though I’m not sure why. “Hehe, no, my f-friend’s in town. He’s kind of a d-drinker.”

“Oh, okay.” There was a hint of something like disappointment in her eyes. It was brief. I only caught it because… well because I’m me. “Who’s you’re friend? Is he from Manehattan?” She asked. Any sign of what I’d noticed was already gone.

“Yeah he’s…” I turned around expecting to find Crook, somewhere behind me, but he was nowhere to be seen. “… p-probably flirting with somepony at the m-moment.”

Derpy chuckled. “Your friend sounds like Lyra. Oh! That reminds me. Lyra and Bon Bon said that they visited you. How did that go?”

In a brief spell of total and utter insanity I actually almost started talking about it. I had my mouth open and everything, totally ready to spill intimate details about clients that trusted me. It was so absent-minded of me. Needless to say, I chastised myself to no end later that evening.

I didn’t say anything, thank Celestia. I caught myself, mouth agape. Derpy looked eager for a story and I hated to disappoint her, but… I knew better. “S-sorry, Derpy, I can’t really t-talk about other clients like th-that.” It was so hard to say no to that smiling face of hers.

“Aaaw, too bad.” Her expression fell for a second before bouncing right back up. “I’m sure it was fun, though. Bon Bon says Lyra’s kind of crazy in bed.” Derpy said with a giggle. “But anyways, I think Lyra had some anxiety about Bon Bon being not having been with a stallion, so I told them about you.” She began to walk down the aisle once more, and motioned for me to follow.

Derpy’s little story had made me a bit curious about something, so I hazarded a question. “What w-were… What were th-their reactions? W-when you t-told them about me, I mean.” I’d asked Rarity about a few of the clients she’d referred to me at one point, but I was still curious about Derpy.

She giggled once more. “Hee hee. When I first mentioned that I knew about you, they asked how I knew.” She grabbed a jar of jam off of a shelf. “When I said I was a regular client, Lyra couldn’t stop laughing. Bon Bon was just stunned silent. You should have seen her face.”

I allowed myself to snicker at Derpy’s story. That sounded just like the two of them. “Well that’s good.” I said. “Better than them being upset at least.”

Derpy threw me a confused look. “Why would they be upset?”

I shrugged. “Well you never know who f-frowns upon my profession. Lots of ponies in town m-might’ve had a problem with me.”

I didn’t think that this would be news to her, but she looked absolutely mortified. “What?! Why?!” She may have been a little bit too enthusiastic; she was turning a few heads.

I was sort of amazed she didn’t know about this. I’d thought it would’ve been a big enough deal when I moved in. “Lots of ponies just t-take issue with… what I do. That’s why I don’t l-live in the town proper.” I cocked my head to the side. “You d-didn’t know about that?”

She was getting all worked up. “No! That’s terrible! Why do ponies not like what you do?! What’s wrong with sex?!”

That was, however, a question I have spent much time contemplating. “I’m not a hundred p-percent sure, Derpy. Some ponies think s-sex isn’t something you should be able to b-buy or sell. Some ponies th-think that my business has a corruptive influence on ch-children. Some ponies just see me as some seedy whore, I guess.”

“But… but it’s not a crime, right? If it was wrong it would be illegal!” She asserted with a stamp of her hoof. She was actually quite adorable, arguing with ponies that weren’t even part of the conversation.

I saw some cherries that looked pretty good and tossed them into my cart. “Well, you are correct, Derpy. Prostitution is not a crime. But that doesn’t mean everypony is happy about it.”

Derpy mulled over the facts in her head for a moment. Even when concentrating her face is adorable. Eventually she came to a conclusion. “That’s dumb!” She said definitively. I snorted in laughter despite myself. Her delivery was priceless. “No, I’m serious. That’s dumb. That’s like me saying all the onion farmers have to live outside town just ‘cause I don’t like onions, and that’s dumb!” She stamped her hoof again. “I’m gonna talk to the mayor about this!”

That was the last thing I wanted. Besides, the mayor was already aware of my situation. “Derpy, please don’t. I don’t want to make trouble.” I pleaded. I took a quick look around, and we had attracted quite a crowd. Derpy’s rant had gotten rather loud. “Come on, let’s just check out. We can look for my friend, I’ll introduce you.” Derpy reluctantly accepted my offer, and the two of us went to the register.

I didn’t recognize the stallion manning the check-out, but he sure recognized me. He stammered and stared and was just sort of awkward through the whole ordeal. Derpy noticed this as well, and gave him a stink-eye. I don’t think he really deserved that, I guess Derpy felt otherwise. After I got all of my food I did a quick run down the aisles to try and find Crook, but he wasn’t there. After Derpy checked out, the two of us left the store.

As we walked out, we noticed two ponies talking. I recognized both of them.

‘Oh hey look, there’s Crook. Oh hey look, he found another mare to hit on...’

‘Oh fuck me… that’s Applejack.’

Okay, lunch time, I’ll write more after some soup or something.