Etherea again claimed my bed as her perch and by the time Craig and I entered she was peering through the blinds toward the street and the houses across it. The short hillside leading away from the building left us a little elevated - minimizing the obscuring powers of the local bushes - and I wondered if she liked the view better for it. She seemed enthralled. A tremor in her ears and wings brought back worries about her being seen, but she didn't seem alarmed, just nervous. For the first time in a long time I considered going for a beer to help calm myself.

As I crossed the room Etherea turned and met my eyes. I felt a small thrill as I was reminded that she had a pretty face; the vibrant purple of her eyes adding an enticingly exotic accent. Then the bottom dropped out of my stomach as I realised what I was doing. There was something wrong with me. She must have sensed my unease because she smiled slightly. It didn't help at all. In fact, her pleasant smile only worsened my conflicting feelings! As I struggled with one side of me fighting the other, while wondering whether the fight was worth it, I definitely felt a strong urge to drown myself in some alcohol.

So I called up the next episode on my waiting computer as quickly as I could, more than eager for the distraction.

With the episode playing I turned and found that Craig, instead of taking the obvious seat that was my computer chair, had opted to sit on the floor with his back against my bed. He wiggled his butt a couple of times, rolled his shoulders, and generally settled himself comfortably, completely oblivious to the alicorn staring at the back of his head nervously and leaning away. Why hadn't she said anything?

I groaned and shook my head. "Craig..."

When he cocked his head back at me I motioned toward Etherea with my eyes. The idiot didn't turn, no, he tilted his head back to rest on the bed. This put him even closer to Etherea and forced her to roll slightly on to her left side, her wing coming up between them defensively.

"Please don't touch me..." At least she was tense rather than outright angry. That she was making a concerted effort to keep her cool was greatly reassuring.

Craig quickly took his head back off the bed. "Oh. Roger. My bad."

Etherea held her pose and looked up to me with slightly wide eyes. The way her ears were flipping back and forth left her looking very confused.

"He means 'Yes, I will not do that. Sorry'." I explained.

"Yeah, that. I won't touch you unless you want it." Craig agreed over his shoulder at Etherea. I'm sure he didn't actually mean it the way it sounded. I hoped he didn't. Fortunately Etherea missed it completely, though she looked warily back and forth between the back of Craig's unkempt head and myself before settling herself back down. When she breathed a deep breath I silently mirrored her.

After resetting the episode because we had missed the opening - thanks Craig! - Etherea focused on the screen as the ponies were told about the impending royal wedding. I'd always liked these episodes so I was all set to follow right along with her, even if my enjoyment was hindered by the thought that she probably hated them. Craig didn't pay nearly as much attention, especially when I began to narrate. He barely waited until the opening credits before interrupting.

"So this is My Little Pony?" I caught Etherea mouthing the show's title to herself. "I knew the show was girly, but jeeze dude! Isn't this a bit much?" His face scrunched like someone had ripped a fart. Oh God, please don't let him do that either!

I answered without even thinking. "At least I'm man enough to admit that I like colorful cartoon ponies."

Craig's response came just as quickly, and it paired with the same goofy grin I knew so well. "Some 'man,' I don't think you could get a date to save your life. I keep telling you that this show is eating your man card. Girls probably think you're a faerie or something."

"Look, what happened after Rachel is all your fault. I can get dates if I want!" Now I was a bit upset. And it did not help at all when Etherea snorted!

"See?! Even... the ponies from your... dream world... don't believe you!" Craig was all but rolling on the floor laughing.

"Wait." Etherea broke in before I could do more than draw in a breath. "I did not... mean it like that! You two are simply interrupting." She paused ominously. "And I would very much... like to be left out of your little... lover's quarrel, if you please."

Both Craig and I gaped at her, him twisting his whole body around to do so. Her attention had not wavered but there was a faint self-satisfied smile on her muzzle.

"Heh. I'll give you that one 'cause you're a princess and a guest." Craig admitted with a chuckle. "But any other..."

"Hush." She cut him off. "I'm watching this. Alex, if you would not mind?"

I blinked as I blanked. What did she...? Oh right. Me narrating.

I expected that watching part one of "A Canterlot Wedding" would go over much like watching the first part of "Friendship is Magic" with me explaining what everyone was saying, Etherea fascinated but a little put off, and there would be a short question and answer session at the end. Oh, and Craig would be bored out of his mind. That, or he would magically become the most hardcore brony ever.

I ended up being right about one of those; it was no suprise that shortly after the beginning of the episode Craig flopped on his back on my carpet and alternated between fidgeting and rolling back and forth. Etherea, who I expected to quickly get fed up with his theatrics, ignored him for the most part. I knew it was a kind of cry for attention, but with both of his audiences paying him no mind he eventually gave up and settled for finishing my own work at numbering the bumps on the ceiling.

Etherea watched my computer with rapt attention, but it wasn't the same hesitant fascination that I'd seen. She hardly moved. She hardly even notice when Dimble hopped onto the bed to curl up on the end of her tail, and I worried that she might have even forgotten about breathing.

Even with her apparent paralysis I was eventually able to pick up some of Etherea's feelings even if her reactions made little sense to me. When Shining and Twilight had their first conversation she was relaxed and sporting a small smile. Cadance's appearance immediately wiped that spot of happiness away. In fact, as the episode progressed I noticed Etherea flipping between tender appreciation whenever Shining Armor was on screen and increasing anger whenever Cadance was.

I understood the second reaction, since Etherea must know who 'Cadance' really was. I imagined that seeing Chrysalis infiltrating Canterlot would be sort of like watching someone like Osama bin Laden take over my own government. But her reaction to Shining Armor? I couldn't place that one for the life of me. Did she have a thing for him?

A crazy theory popped in to my head right then. What if Etherea was really Cadance? It was a bit hard to envision, but Etherea had already pointed out that the show was wrong about quite a few things. I might not have just any pony in my apartment... I might have one of the ponies.

And yet I still doubted it. Etherea had immediately picked out certain ponies from my poster just by coloration. The real Cadance probably was actually pink and violet, so Etherea's yellow and blue marked her as some other pony, even if I still didn't know who.

Etherea could be Cadance's sister. Or she maybe a cousin. Unfortunately she hadn't yet mentioned any relation to any pony I knew, and other than nearly jumping down Craig's throat when he 'Oooo'ed dramatically at Twilight's abduction, she was steadfast in her attention to my computer. She might be paying more attention to us than I'd thought, but she still didn't want us interrupting. It put me on edge so withholding my questions was by far the wiser option.

By the end of the episode Etherea's poker face was again obscuring whatever she was thinking. Well, mostly. As the credits rolled I caught her blinking rapidly and doing her best to hide it behind a hoof.

"Are you okay?" I asked as Craig and I shared a look.

She nodded a bit too vigorously. "Mmmhmm!"

Pointing out that I thought she seemed to have just lied... Well, I wasn't feeling brave enough to toss her own comment about disharmonic actions back at her. Craig wasn't either; not with how he was looking away from Etherea and scratching the back of his neck. Normally he was more... rash. We locked gazes again and he shrugged long and slow.

"C-can I see the... rest of i-it?" Etherea's voice wasn't completely steady.

"I... um... Sure, I guess." What else could I really do? Deny her? No matter how awful I felt about showing her glorified versions of the worst events of her lifetime, she would probably see the rest of the episode at some point.

My fingers twitched in time with my nerves as I hit play for the next half of the episode. Etherea didn't seem to notice and lost herself in the show as I retreated back to my chair. Craig did, however, and a hasty whisper from me begged him to not worry about it. We both decided against any more noise when one of Etherea's ears twisted ominously toward us.

I'm not sure why I worried so much; Etherea had proven to be very level-headed even when she flew off the handle. She showed more emotion during the second half of the episode though. While the scene with the Twilight gatling-laser earned me a pointed look of disgust, for the most part what began as misty eyes evolved in to more eye rubbing and blinking. She eventually took to spending time staring at something beyond my computer that only she could see, so something was up even if she wouldn't admitted it. Craig wasn't oblivious to this either, and he began watching Etherea instead of trying to show just how bored he was.

My worry about what Etherea was going through still didn't prevent me from yawning a couple of times. And once the symptom caught my interest, I quickly also noticed exhaustion nipping me around the edges. Apparently my reserves of adrenaline weren't as endless as I'd thought. For the first time in, well, forever I found myself wanting to take a nap. Maybe a beer and then a nap. It was a bit of a struggle but I managed to keep my narrating uninterrupted.

The end of the episode brought a rousing moment of quiet and incited a fresh wave of anticipation as I thought about the looming question and answer session. Oh, and another traitorous yawn. Stupid body demanding a more complete sleep cycle!

Yet none of us seemed willing to interrupt the aura of quiet contemplation that lingered about us now that my computer lay dormant. Etherea was staring at her hooves with her ears pinned back and her wings pressed against her flanks while I desperately sorted through my thoughts in search of a way move the situation forward. Craig, surprisingly, looked deep in thought for some reason, which was probably driving him nuts. That was even more motivation for me to speak first.

I settled on my tried and true method of talking to Etherea: apologize.

"I'm sorry if that was upsetting. I hadn't really thought about how horrible those events must have been for you."

Etherea's head snapped up. "What? Oh no, that is... not what this is. I'm... I wasn't there, but it's still very important to me. It's..." Her mouth hung open as her eyes darted between Craig and I. After a little she seemed to make up her mind about something and took a deep breath. "It... it didn't happen quite like that, but that's more or less how..." she ducked her head and spoke quietly at the front of her chest, "...how my mother and father got married."

What...?

Wait a minute there. Hell, I probably needed an entire year to process that. I looked at Etherea in a completely new light. The pony resting on my bed was none other than the daughter of the Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Captain Shining Armor? My eyes strained against their sockets as my brain tried to go in a thousand different directions at once.

Etherea stared back, her eyes no less wide. Her nose was still tilted down furtively and a part of her mane had fallen in front of her face like she hoped to hide behind it. A part of my brain registered that she seemed to be waiting for me to explode. I probably could have. Twice.

Craig quickly jumped in with some question or other about her relationship to her parents. He had finally caught on to exactly what her position of Princess might entail and began asking questions about her place in Equestria. She answered him quietly but never broke her attention from me, even as he began to ask very pointed questions about the types and extravagance of the parties she could throw.

I'm sure she could see the pieces of the day's conversations falling in to place in my head. The problem was they were doing so faster than I could analyze what I was realizing. I had Cadance's and Shining Armor's daughter in my apartment! That made her an heiress to the Crystal Empire, right? Something like that. She didn't just know the ponies from the show, she was related to several of them!

It certainly explained the almost faceted look of her cutie mark - she was a crystal pony. If anyone came looking for Etherea it might not be Celestia's royal guards, but whatever forces Cadance had in place. Great! More unknowns to worry about!

But, wait. If Etherea was Cadance's daughter... and she was fully grown...

I was blown away. My mind emptied and I slumped in my chair, the sudden void of thought shocking my body as well. Etherea went on alert, lifting her head high in alarm while I was busy kick-starting my brain. This was... I needed to focus and pull myself together. The fact that the show was practically ancient history - figuratively speaking - was freaking me out! Luna's return, Discord, the royal wedding, Sombra's defeat, Twilight's ascension, and so much more were decades old events by now! Who knew what had happened in the meantime?

Oh right! Etherea! Although...

Yet I still needed confirmation from her. "Wait." That simple declaration brought Craig's latest comment to a screeching halt. "How long ago did Cadance and Shining Armor get married?"

She frowned. "My parents' names and titles are Princess Eliz Una Doanlutza and... Prince Consort Essiya Reshua. And they were married twenty five years... ago and a couple of months after the changeling invasion."

"I..." She'd derailed me with that one. I couldn't have known her parents' Equestrian names so there was no need to snap at me. Even so I had bigger topics to fry. "Sorry." She nodded without taking her eyes off me. "If the changeling invasion was twenty five years ago, then, um..." What was Twilight's name? "Velroa Noris? She and her friends must be like over fifty now!"

"Lady Velroa Noris," damnit, she wasn't pleased, "is forty nine, but... yes, the Bearers are... older than you knew."

"Wait, wait, wait." Craig jumped in ahead of me. Etherea's frown grew as she raised her chin and opened her mouth, but she never stood a chance. "You've never had a problem with us not calling you Princess, so what's the big deal with these other people?"

Etherea's transition from righteously indignant back to bashful was shockingly quick. "Th-that's not-t the s-same!" she whispered.

"Uh huh. How's it not the same? You don't care about fancy titles, but you want us to treat your friends all high and mighty?" I couldn't see Craig's face, but his tone made it clear that he didn't believe whatever distinction she'd made was that important.

"Well, I... I did not want to make a big deal about my status s-so... you..." she hesitated before finishing in a rush, "So you would not try to take advantage of me!"

Craig confusedly twitched his head back and forth as he tried to figure that one out. "What...? Wait, how the hell would we do that?" He glanced at me. "It's, uhhh, not like we can make you do anything."

I was a little shocked myself that she thought so little of us.

"How?! In my situation I am pretty much at your mercy." Her eyes were darting back and forth without ever resting on anything in particular. "I-if you were to begin demanding things..." The look on her face as she cringed, the hunching of both sets of her shoulders, and the sudden curling of all her hooves under her... She was so very scared. I suppose I could imagine why as I felt a sympathetic tightening in my chest; she thought she'd just pointed out that we could easily exploit her situation for our benefit.

"You think we're going to try and ransom you or something? Whu... I..." Craig tilted his head to look at me over his shoulder. "Hey Alex, help me out here."

Suddenly I was the center of attention again. It took a long, painful moment before I was remotely confident that I wouldn't just add to the brewing atmosphere. "Eth... Princess Etherea. You're an alicorn, so I already knew you were a princess. After the past few hours what makes you think I would take advantage of that?" I paused to give her a chance to respond. She didn't, and instead cast her eyes down.

"Plus what I said earlier is still true. If you really, truly wanted to do something, especially with your magic, there's probably nothing either of us could do to stop you. One of the reasons I'm on edge is that I am worried about angering you. I don't think you have anything to fear from us. I really do just want to help you because I feel responsible for what you're going through." I waited as her eyes rose to look at me. I could practically hear gears turning as she stared at me with a blank face, pieceing together what I'd said, how I'd said it, and what it meant to the conversation. She was getting it, but I could only hope my smile and tone had been friendly enough. I could smell smoke too, but that was probably just Craig trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

"I... okay." Etherea's small smile was heartwarming. "I'm an idiot and should be quiet?"

Every thought in my head came to a screeching halt. Had she just used that little safety phrase on herself? Yes, she had. The only response I could muster was to nod dumbly. At least she was taking this well. Her soft giggle was music to my ears; Craig's complete confusion was priceless.

Still, I wanted to give her something to reassure her of my good intentions. "Well now that we all understand each other," except Craig, "I'm willing to use everyone's proper titles if it's important to you, though I still don't understand why. And then I have a question. Shouldn't we call Velroa, um, Princess Naois?"

Etherea twitched and her mouth dropped open. For a moment there was a look of complete shock on her face before she screwed up her muzzle and I found myself at the receiving end of a very pointed and thorough examination. As Etherea continued to stare at me I grew more and more uncomfortable. She didn't look particularly upset, which was a relief, but I'd apparently said something profoundly stupid.

"No... Why would she be a princess?" Etherea asked cautiously.

With nothing else to say, I responded as eloquently as I could. "Uhhh... Hasn't she been an alicorn for quite some time now?"

"What?!" The only thing Etherea could do for a full minute was blink rapidly at me. Naturally I shrank under the silent onslaught, my face heating up though I wasn't quite sure why. What was going on here? Was Twilight not a princess?

"No... I mean, no, Twi... Lady Naois is not an..." Etherea paused to literally chew on the rest of her response, "...alicorn." For a long moment there was silence before she straightened and jump-started the conversation again. "I suppose if anypony... is capable finding a way to become an alicorn, then it would be her. But short... of an edict from either Celestial Princess she would... not actually be a princess. Even if she had married in to the royal... family she would still be just a Princess Consort. But she has done neither of those things." She glanced pointedly at the dormant computer monitor. "In your show she's not even... referred to as a Lady, so why on... why do you think she should be a Princess?"

Okay. What. The. Hell?! Twilight wasn't a Princess? It was interesting finding out all of the differences between the show and the real Equestria, but at least the major events had been there. This was a huge deal, but it hadn't happened? Oh shit! What if that hadn't happened yet?! This could be very bad. Very, very bad.

But I couldn't just not say anything now. Trying to gloss over this potentially world-breaking, not-yet-happened event would just upset Etherea. Not saying a damned thing would normally be my fallback, but the cat was already out of the bag and she was staring expectantly at me.

"I..." my mouth jumped ahead of my brain, and me reigning it back drew a raised eyebrow from her. By now Craig was also looking at me expectantly. "Okay, so season two ended with the marriage of... your parents. Season three, the one that ended a few months ago, started with the return of the Crystal Empire," Etherea's eyes widened and she tried to flick her tail, heedless of the cat holding it down, "and finished with, um, Velroa ascending to be an alicorn Princess when she'd finally mastered the magic of friend... ship..." I trailed off as Etherea's face grew increasingly disbelieving.

Craig snickered and received a withering glare from Etherea. When she spoke it was carefully gentle. "Well, you cannot just become an alicorn - I suppose transmogrification probably could make you look like one, but you... wouldn't actually be one - you have to be born one. So that has not happened. Lady Naois is... the Element of Magic, she teaches... Mistress level theoretical magic in Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, and is happily married with two children. She is the most gifted unicorn... in ages, but she is still a unicorn."

Seeing my face falling - something I felt distressingly keenly - Etherea straightened and reached out with her right forehoof as though to placate me. "So your show has... gotten a few details incorrect. That's not a problem is it?"

"No..." It took a moment, but I really was fine with that. "I suppose it isn't. The show's just been right about enough of the major events that it's surprising." Etherea relaxed as I spoke, so I was doing well. "Plus, now you can tell us all about what things are really like. Fill in the blanks and the like."

"If you want to, of course." I hastily added as I considered that I might be taking advantage of her by milking her for information.

"I suppose I can do that. Especially... since we are apparently going to be spending some time together." As Etherea spoke I preemptively glared at Craig, but he just grinned again. "I am..." she took a deep breath while looking back and forth between us, "...Princess Etherea and crown daughter of the Crystal Empire." Another hesitation followed as she gauged our reactions. "My parents are Princess Delusha, the... crown of the Crystal Empire, and Prince Consort Essiya Reshua. Officially I'm first... in the line of succession, but I doubt I will ever sit on the throne."

At our confused looks she stopped whatever she was about to say and raised an eyebrow. I couldn't speak for Craig, but I was wondering why she didn't expect to ever be in charge. Craig and I switched to pondering each other, but naturally he spoke first.

"I'm just wondering what all that royalbabel means to people like us." he said cheekily.

"Ah." I turned to meet Etherea's waiting violet eyes. Finding her calm and amenable was doing wonders for my own nerves, and I found a way to turn my explanation for Craig in to a question for Etherea. "You're Princess Cadance's... um, that's how we know her, and Prince Consort Shining Armor's daughter. They are the ponies who lead the Crystal Empire?" Etherea nodded, "There is no king or queen above the Princess." Another head bob. "And you don't think you'll ever take your mother's position as leader. Why not?"

I'd clearly succeeded in explaining it to Craig because his cranial finger-digging ended. However Etherea was grimacing.

"I suppose we can forgo... the titles for now - I don't know what I was thinking." She blushed. "It actually sounds worse when you try... to be overly formal," she flashed a small smile at us and shrugged her wings, "and I'm sorry, but I'm not... really looking forward to hearing my parents' names like that every time... they come up. Just please keep in mind that you do not know these ponies. But..."

"Oh, thank God!" Craig breathed a heavy sigh of relief. "All those 'thee's,' 'thou's,' 'your majesty' this and that, and the bowing and fancy forks and things. Nuh uh! There's no way I could do it."

Etherea just stared at Craig and her mouth worked futilely to come up with a response. I understood Craig's difficulty with being formal, but I wasn't sure I could come up with a good reply either. It was pretty standard for Craig, and unfortunately trying to mold him into something else generally failed. How to explain that to Etherea without making him sound like a complete asshole? I'd get back to her.

"Yes. You're welcome. I guess." Etherea took the initiative instead. She dragged her attention back to me before continuing. "But back to your... question; alicorns can live for up to three centuries. My mother married... my father right after the Changeling invasion, since... she realized that she might lose him, and I was born not long after. She..." Etherea's muzzle dropped slightly so that she was looking at me through her eyelashes. "So, um... she married young for an alicorn. My mother is only in her fifties and I'm twenty four, so I'm not that... much younger than she is. That is why I probably won't sit; by the time I'm likely to I will also be... too old to."

For a moment none of us said anything. I wasn't sure whether to play up the positive aspects of that or the somber ones. But when put like that there was no real choice.

"Well, I'm glad they made the choice they did, I suppose. Wouldn't have it any other way." Oh God, that was corny. Judging by my companions' expressions they agreed wholeheartedly. Quick! Topic switch! "So anyway. What do you do as a princess? Do you have a purview like... um..." Another yawn interrupted anything further.

Etherea raised an eyebrow. I waved her off while trying to hide my gaping maw behind a fist.

"I do..." She hesitated again, though it wasn't as pronounced as when she'd told us who she was. Princess Cadance's daughter of all ponies! Even as tired as I was there was still giddiness somewhere in me. "What I said earlier about an older version... of my name meaning 'Daughter of Dreams' refers to that. My special talent is dreams. I have a natural ability... to influence them, but I wouldn't be 'Mistress of Dreams' because... ponies do not require my attention to have dreams. It's what my cutie mark represents - a pleasant dream." She shifted her wing so that we could see the image of a sun nestled amongst three clouds on the side of her haunch.

"Oh! So that's what your bu..."

"CRAIG!"

Craig stiffened and nearly fell over. As it was he ended up catching himself with an elbow on my bed while staring at me with wide eyes. Thank God I'd seen that one coming a mile away. I gave him my best death glare.

"I mean that's wonderful! Thank you for sharing!" Craig grinned broadly after righting himself.

I was afraid Etherea's face was going to get stuck in a permanent look of shock and confusion. As for myself, I could only groan at my roommate and blush behind the hand covering my face.

"Anyways," I managed to get out after a moment, "you were saying?"

Etherea hummed to herself for a second while she got herself back in the conversation. "So yes, my special talent is dreams. The regular dreams you... have at night, daydreams, and even nightmares are all... things that I can influence."

I noticed Craig's grin growing and I caught the barest of glances my way. Yeah, I get it. She's the pony of my dreams. I hoped he received that mental gut punch I sent him. If nothing else the idea of socking him hard made me feel a little bit better. However my little mental foray had made me miss part of what Etherea was saying. Now I needed to get back in the conversation. Right on queue she closed her mouth and looked at me expectantly.

"Uh... I thought dreams were part of Princess Luna's duties." A witty interjection it was not. Damnit!

Etherea shook her head to clear it of my stupidity. Or at least that's what it looked like to me. "Well, they are. But as far... as I know, as Princess of the Moon, she simply has an affinity for them and has spent time developing her ability. She may have a lot more... practice but they are my special talent." She perked up. "Oh, and spending so much time... in Canterlot put me in a perfect position... to aid Princess Luna with her duties concerning dreams."

One of the few genuine smiles I'd seen today found its way on to Etherea's face. I liked seeing her happy. I just couldn't look too happy for fear of giving Craig more ammunition. I was going to minimize that if I could help it.

"...actually lived in Canterlot most of my life." Etherea was talking again? Crap! I couldn't have missed much though since I hadn't zoned out for that long. "I was born there because the Crystal Empire was still out... of phase for another year. Even after it returned, and Teshiran was... destroyed, it remained too dangerous for a number of years to have my parents bring me with them when they visited."

Years? So either the Equestrian Games episode hadn't happened or it had occurred much later. I really couldn't see Shining Armor playing track coach while on duty anyways.

"Most of my school years... were in Canterlot because, quite frankly, the Crystal Empire was not equipped to provide a modern education. And right now... or up until yesterday," she grimaced, "I live... lived in the palace to... learn statesponyship under Princesses Celestia and Luna. It feels like that city is more home than the country I'm supposedly in line to govern."

I could feel myself relaxing simply because it seemed like Etherea was doing the same. Her short biography had been delivered freely and easily, so she seemed to have taken the previous conversation to heart and convinced herself to trust us somewhat. It was a sign that things might actually end up alright. All we needed to do was keep her a secret. From everyone in the world. And not get killed by a potential future rescue party from Equestria or the Crystal Empire.

And now thanks to my traitorous brain I was nervous again.

"What about yourself?"

Etherea's innocent question came out of left field and I jumped in my seat. Oh that's right, we were still doing a question and answer session and that meant she would get to ask about us as well. Quick, Alex, come up with an exciting, moving story about your life! Yeah right, never going to happen.

"Well, I'm Alexander Stepanowski, though I don't have any fancy titles or notable positions so you can just call me Alex." I shrugged dismissively.

"Stepn - ow -skee?"

"It's actually Step - an - ow -ski, and it's Polish." Unfortunately it was clear that throwing names around wasn't helping her. "Poland is a country nearly halfway around the world from here. My father's great grandparents immigrated from it about, oh, a hundred years ago, though I think the name got misspelled when they got here. That happened quite a lot, actually. The people running the immigration services back then had a bad habit of messing up any name that was too foreign for them."

Etherea's head tilted sideways as she considered me. "So does that mean that your people have been exiled as well?"

"Er... No. My great grandparents were fleeing..." I suddenly remembered that a century ago World War One had been brewing. Explaining that decade, and the three that followed, after I'd just gotten her to relax a little? "...um... It wasn't the best of times over there and this country was on the rise. It's actually a very common story. A lot of people seeking a chance for a better life look toward the United States because we've been one of the more stable and progressive countries around. My family isn't in exile; we're fully naturalized Americans. We've just kept the last name."

"Oh." She settled just a little more comfortably though the set of her ears and wings still showed no small amount of hesitance. I let her gather her thoughts and after a moment she spoke again. "Is there a distinction between... 'American' and 'United States of America?'"

"Nope. Not really. The continent we're on is called North America, and the country we're in is The United States of America. Our country occupies most of the area so we just call ourselves 'Americans.'"

"It," she ducked her head again, "sounds a little conceited like that."

I snorted in amusement; she didn't have to worry so much. "Yeah, it is. Not much I can do though." I took a short break to swallow another yawn, but I finished by smiling for her. "Welcome to the United States!"

"Best damned country in the world! 'MURCA!" Thanks Craig.

Etherea sort of reared back and shifted away from Craig again. Her wide amethyst eyes and fully-folded ears showed that in less than a second Craig might have undone many minutes-worth of making her feel less estranged.

Not for the first time was I dismayed at Craig's near constant jovial nature. Craig was certainly pro-United States, but I knew that he was also just playing it up as a joke. There were just some times when it was better to be more reserved, but my roommate had proven time and again that in most cases he wasn't interested. I knew he could do it, but I just wished he would choose to do so more often. If anything caused tension between us, it was this.

What I didn't mind was Etherea looking my way again. I think she was coming to understand that if she needed help figuring something out, then it would probably be best to ask me.

"It's best if you don't mind him too much. You'll get used to it." I kept my voice even and hopefully reassuring. I felt a small thrill when she nodded understandingly. There was some trust there!

"So you both are from here?" Etherea's question was really more of a statement.

Craig broke in before I could say anything. "Yup. Born here in Delaware, spent all twenty six years of my life here, and probably gonna' die here. I've never needed to be anywhere else, and never wanted to be either."

Once again Etherea sought my counsel once she was done paying attention to Craig. "For me, well, sort of. Craig's a native to this state, but I grew up in Wisconsin which is halfway across the country. I'm thirty but have spent only the last nine or so years here."

"Another state?" Etherea's gaze shifting around. It looked like she wasn't quite understanding the distinctions we were making. That was reasonable since we just kept throwing names at her. "I... I think I will need to see a map."

"I can..." yawn, "...do that. Though I don't have one on hand so I'd have to find one on the computer." I waved a hand in the direction of my monitor. "How about later?" She dipped her muzzle in what I took as assent.

She then spent a moment getting more comfortable, gingerly tucking her hooves back under herself and shuffling her wings slightly. I idly wondered just how big her wings were as I watched her feathers slide over one another. I'd seen her spread her wings slightly at various times but had yet to see her fully extend either one. Given that she was pretty large - at least as far as feathered-creatures go - and that the largest of her primaries looked to be as wide as my hand, I imagined her standing beside a Pteranodon and having a comparable wingspan.

I was tempted to ask about it despite the current topic. That desire was forgotten when I had to fight to not laugh as Etherea tried to adjust her tail and found it occupied by a cat. The look she gave over her withers as she considered the annexation of her rear-most extremity was something I would remember for quite a while. She flicking her mane when she looked back to us wasn't to help cover a blush. Certainly not.

"So..." Etherea was clearly interested in just moving past her embarrassment, "...how about special talents? You now know mine. What are yours?"

"Drinking beer, being the best damned DJ, and hav..."

"Humans don't have special talents!" My outburst was surprisingly loud even to me, but we weren't ready for the conversation about Craig's 'special' talents. Or at least I wasn't. Craig snorted while Etherea again passed wide eyes between the two of us. "At least, not the way ponies do. Sure we have things we're good at, but not many of us have a single skill that defines us. Like I work in a retail paint store, and I can do the job well, but it's just something I do. It's not the main part of who I am."

"It sounds like you just... have not found what really makes you happy." Etherea nodded knowingly.

"I... No, I know what I like, but it's not such a defining part of who I am."

Etherea's eyes roamed a short trip around my face as she pondered me. "I don't think... you understand what exactly a cutie mark means for a pony. It doesn't confine her to what it represents. It merely shows the... one thing she both best excels at and receives... the most enjoyment from. She can do other things, and most ponies do, but a special talent... is just that. Take me for example. My special talent is dreams, but that doesn't have anything to do with me being a princess." She seemed to hesitate again before mentioning her station to us, but it was so brief that I was left guessing.

"Well, then I guess..." What would my special talent be in a pony's eyes? Playing video games? Playing role-playing games? Drawing? It certainly wasn't making house paint for people; I wouldn't say that I particularly enjoyed that. I doubted I could claim a talent in My Little Pony...

"See," Etherea's voice brought me around with a start. "You look like a pony who has yet to find her... his talent."

"I suppose if I had one, then it would be something to do with art. I can draw pretty well and I like doing so. But I don't think it works the same way." Etherea's eyes narrowed. "You keep pointing out that our worlds are very different, and I think this is one of those things. Some of us do have special talents, but not all of us. And we certainly don't have cutie marks to show them off."

Etherea snorted derisively. "I sort of expected that since our... cutie marks have to do with our personal Harmony. But I cannot... believe that you do not have a special talent even if you don't have a... similar way of showing it off." Her mane swished back and forth across the sheets, mirroring the motion of her head. "You just need to find it and accept it. Your art for instance. It sounds like... you aren't developing it even though you like it. Why not? It could be your special talent."

"I don't think so. It takes me far too much time to get anything done. I'm meticulous. I can't just..." Normally I'd say 'vomit completed works onto the page.' A bit of a weird analogy, but it was the best one I'd come up with to describe people who could quickly create complete works from simple ideas. It was yet another instance of the kind of thinking/acting that humans did all the time that I doubted Etherea would appreciate. "...it takes me far too much time and effort to turn out something mediocre, much less something really good."

She watched me for a moment with the corners of her mouth slowly curling lower. "Not that I don't believe you, but I think..."

Craig took that moment to yawn mightily and stretch both arms toward the ceiling. The other two of us watched as he cracked his neck - twice - and then scratched his side before settling back on his elbows. Another awkward silence began but was quickly broken when I found myself yawning. Craig's grin reappeared and he turned expectantly to Etherea. She raised an eyebrow as Craig's smile grew.

This had to be the stupidest thing ever. I was tempted to rub my temples again at his very obvious attempt to disrupt the conversation. But I wouldn't let myself do that either. I wasn't...

And then I looked at Etherea - really looked that is - I could just barely see a tightness around her lips that extended all the way to the back of her jaw. Her ears were hiding back behind her head and she was sharing a staring contest with Craig. Good Lord, he'd gotten her too. Now I was curious whether she could fight it off and deny Craig the satisfaction.

But should I have ever doubted? It took a minute, and a couple of times I saw her cheeks working hard to keep her mouth from opening, but she eventually wrinkled her nose and let out a breath. Craig was still smiling triumphantly though.

"Well." I twitched in surprise as Etherea's soft voice broke the stillness. She rubbed a her nose with a hoof like that was a good cover for the faint pink visible just under her fur. "I guess we have... been leaving you out of the conversation Craig. I apologize for that."

"Nah. It's alright. You two are talking stuff that's way over my head. Harmony this, and cutie mark that." He sniggered while shifting his eyes ever-so-slightly my way. "You two just carry on and let me know when you get to something interesting." He lay back on the floor.

Etherea frowned again, though with her eyes downcast she didn't seem angry. "No. We've been excluding you and that's... not fair. In fact," and I again became the focus of those beautiful violet eyes - attention that made me twitch as I suddenly had to hide a familiar conflict of thrill and gut-twisting, "since it's clear that you... didn't sleep well last night, and we have spent... most of the day... um, discussing things. Why don't I spend some time getting to... know Craig and you can get some rest?" She nodded as though the decision had been made and then carved in stone.

"Nah, that's okay. You ponies are kinda' his thing, so I don't mind." Craig nodded my way.

"Well, I insist. I understand that... you are making accommodations for me, but I don't want you to run yourself ragged."

I didn't even get a chance to protest. Etherea lifted a very surprised Dimble in her magic while sliding off the bed. In very short order the covers were smoothed, the cat was re-deposited, and the variety of items danced along behind her as she nimbly skirted around me and over to the doorway.

"Do not worry, Alex, I will be fine. You... just rest. Come Craig. I must..." I wondered at the slight dipping of her nose and accompanying hint of a blush, "...excuse myself first, but then perhaps I can... learn more about my, um, other roommate."

And then she was gone, her tail swaying behind her in time with the motion of her haunches.

I was still trying to wrap my head around the situation when Craig left. The whole thing struck me as a very bad idea, but I was conflicted about whether to concentrate on the image of her walking or to protest her decision. I felt like arguing against leaving her alone with an unrepentant womanizer would somehow end badly for me, but I also knew that I couldn't be there all the time to hold her hand... hoof. She was going to learn some things eventually and Craig wasn't that bad as far as people go. Sure, he wanted primarily one thing from the opposite sex, but he was up front about it and didn't push it on the unwilling. He was caring in his own way.

So maybe things would be alright.

There were few things that scared me more than that thought. Nothing good had ever come after it. But my options were to take a nap or to protest. A nap sounded really good, actually, and I didn't want to appear petty by arguing with Etherea over something she had 'given' me. Plus, judging by the faint sounds of running water, she was in the bathroom again.

A nap it was then.

When I lay down I found another problem, and one that I leapt out of the bed and nearly marched my ass to the living area over. My sheets smelled of lilacs now. If I took a nap then I would be immersing myelf in Etherea's scent.

That brought to mind all sorts of thoughts. Thoughts about wanting to be near Etherea, to enjoy looking at her, and wanting to try to get to know her. Thoughts of how disappointing it was that doing so wasn't really possible. Thoughts of how messed up I was to be thinking these kinds of things in the first place. After all I was thinking about a pony, and only freaks and perverts were attracted to ponies.

I paced furiously for a time as I tried to come up with a solution. Unfortunately I was just running in circles and exhausting myself, and that only added to my need for a nap. I even considered grabbing some new sheets and curling up in the corner but it would be even worse to be found like that.

What it eventually came down to was Dimble leading me by example again - namely that he was curled comfortably atop the sheets without a care in the world. If he could do it, so could I. In theory at least. I was horribly uncomfortable while surrounded by an impression of lilacs, so even dozing took far too long as I tried desperately to not let my mind wander too far with thoughts of who the smell came from.

"Alex?"

I wasn't actually asleep. I was still anxious about, well, everything and I really hadn't been prepared for a random nap, so I'd only gotten as far as deep, persistent doze. I was still loathe to leave it because in this state my imagination was still free to roam without having to deal with the harsh truths concerning actual, living ponies. Here I could imagine the world of Equestria as cheerful and unblemished by my own actions.

"Alex, are you awake?"

But someone with a quiet, pleasantly feminine voice wasn't letting me stay in my partially unconscious state. I had a nice, cozy bed so I didn't really want to get up. The hint of lilac in my cloth cocoon was also kind of nice.

I suddenly remembered why I was smelling lilacs. The thoughts from when I'd first laid down returned with a vengeance because now I was essentially reveling in Etherea's scent while she was nearby. Yeah, I needed to get the hell out of bed. I couldn't let her pick up on the whole lilac thing - I wanted to enjoy living a while longer!

"Alex, please. Um, we would both like it if you could get up."

I cracked my eyelids at the pony peeking low around the frame of my door. For some reason everything was really blurry. In fact, my eyes were almost painfully dry. I could feel my contacts stuck in place, so my contacts were why everything was blurry. Yeah, sleeping with contacts in is a horrible idea.

I sat up and tried to work some moisture under the contacts through furious rubbing. It didn't really help much at all, but at least I was able to indistinctly make out Etherea's features. I couldn't really see it, but judging by her voice her face probably wore a hesitant expression. Was I really so scary? I suppose with the morning having gone so very well that I might be. I certainly would hesitate to wake her from a nap.

As I got to my feet I noticed that it was pretty dark both inside and out. The sun was low over the horizon so I'd been out for several hours. I did feel a little less tense, even if the last vestiges of unconsciousness were making all of my other perceptions a bit fuzzy. I tried rubbing my eyes again as I made my way out of the room, and of course it didn't work then either. I was going to have to rewet my contacts.

Ahead of me Etherea was backing away, her head still low as she looked behind herself. The hallway was narrow enough that it would be incredibly awkward for her to try turning around. But why hadn't she just done so in my room? Oh right, the fear thing. I sighed silently to myself, wishing hard that I could fix all this with a snap of my fingers. I left some distance between us so she could turn around in the bathroom doorway. I'd like to think she gave me a look of gratitude before walking away, but how much of that was a flight of fancy from my contacts I couldn't tell.

Still, I enjoyed watching those long legs carry her away even if she was a pony. And I felt so dirty for doing it.

The man with the long brown hair and hazel eyes who looked back at me from the mirror didn't seem any different, but I certainly felt different. Was that the face of some kind of sexual pervert? Or was there enough human in Etherea that I was just weird? 'Human in Etherea...' Fuck you brain, I did not need a refresher in what she looked like under her tail! I would have punched myself if I thought doing so would accomplish anything.

I may have gently removed my contacts, but I dug the washcloth deeply in to my skin with the pressure of my fingernails. Part of it was simply because I felt grimy from not yet taking a shower, but I was also feeling very dirty in other ways. Irrational? Sure. Cathartic? Definitely.

I entered the living area feeling more fully refreshed and found a very interesting scene. Craig had his legs stretched out before him and was slid down on the couch so that his butt was halfway off it - his customary position. Etherea had settled herself on the floor in the corner beside the couch. It was probably the best place for her, since she would be very hard to see from outside the apartment. It meant that she was essentially hiding in a corner though, which made me feel sorry for her even if I had no better solution.

"Hey man." Craig didn't even look away from the TV. Surprise, surprise, he was watching another sports news show.

I raised a hand in greeting. "What's up?"

"We're hungry and you said you'd cook, right?" Now Craig looked my way. Of course. I'd told him he couldn't just slap together the usual fare and now I had to do the legwork.

Etherea ducked her head after Craig's response. "Yes. I am a bit hungry." Well that did it. I was cooking.

I was hungry too, but at least I had a plan. Casserole and green beans. As I ventured over to the kitchen area, noting with some dismay the dirty dishes piling in the sink, Etherea followed. Slunk would probably be the better term. After passing Craig she ducked under the window and hugged the wall until she was past. I realized that was probably very smart because it would be ridiculously easy to see her moving around a lit room at night.

Dimble soon manifested nearby and I quickly got his evening helping ready, the fridge door becoming an effective visual shield. His food bowl got placed off to the side and out of sight of Etherea. There was little I could do about the smell of cat food, but the pony princess sitting between the kitchen island and the wall seemed to be preoccupied. She probably had a lot of questions after spending the afternoon with Craig.

"I have a question." Bingo.

"Shoot." The dishes I'd need for a basic casserole weren't needed for our regular meal choices, so at least I didn't have to wash them first. The cookbook my mom had sent me one Christmas joined the dishes as I went digging for ingredients.

"Huh?" was Etherea's insightful response.

Oh right, Equestrian translation problems. "I mean go ahead and ask."

"Oh." Etherea pursed her lips before continuing. "I wondered... well, is your society patriarchal? I asked Craig... about it earlier, but he..."

"No goddamned Patriot fans allowed in here!" came from across the room.

"Yes. That." She took a moment to glare over her withers at the lanky man on the couch. "It... I'm confused."

I chuckled. Good old Craig. "That's just him being him. He hates the Patriots football team and probably just heard the first part of the word and his brain filled in the rest like usual. And yes, most human societies are patriarchal."

Etherea sat quietly for a while after that. If that was the only question she could think of then her time spent with Craig hadn't gone as badly as I'd feared. Lacking any other distractions, I got the dish put together and in to the stove in relatively short order while a pony - a pony! - watched. I didn't know if she knew anything about cooking, but it felt like I was a chef on one of those cooking contests and I made sure to do it right even if it took a little extra time.

Once the dish was in the oven we made our way back to the couch. Etherea again crept past under the window and again I felt bad watching the contortions she went through. She grimaced when she noticed me watching, but once she was back in her corner she also made a point to lift her head regally as she tucked in her hooves.

I sighed and flopped on the couch next to Craig, who had, of course, scooted over so that I had to sit closer to Etherea. I was really tempted to punch him in the arm for his self-satisfied smirk.

We watched the TV for a little but I wasn't interested in the least. After all, who wouldn't be a little excited and distracted to have Cadance's and Shining Armor's daughter sitting next to them? Even as I marveled at that fact I also kept running the events of the day through my head and wondering what I could do to prepare for whatever was coming. The only definite thing I could think of was to keep the resident princess happy. Hopefully that would be enough; she really just needed to get home quickly, both for her sake and mine.

For her part, Etherea faced the TV with a patiently blank expression, but her ears constantly shifted so she seemed to be very bored. I began noticing a pattern as my suspicions about her lack of interest rose. Both ears would start out at attention, but her left ear - the one nearest myself - would eventually rotate toward me. After a moment her nose would dip, her eyes flick my way, and then both her ears would fold completely. After a little she'd go back to her original position and try to watch the TV.

I don't know why, but I had to do something.

"So Etherea," she jumped a little when I spoke, though she quickly covered it by elegantly arching her neck and tilting her head my way, "I know Craig, and I'm guessing you actually have more questions than just the one?"

The TV and I received a couple of quick glances before she responded. "I have been thinking on that. I was going... to ask how human society can function as a patriarchy," she flinched and looked away, "but that would have been... very rude to question your ability to, um... form a working system of government... without..."

She swallowed before continuing. "I realized that I know... so little about how this world works, so traditional Equestrian ideals concerning... societal positions... don't necessarily apply. That, and the Diamond Dogs tend to be patriarchal. Their pack society seems to work. To an extent. I'm... just not used to it."

Well of course not, princess. Your entire world is beholden to multiple female alicorns. Despite her blatant bias against the effectiveness of male-run systems I wasn't actually upset. It was easy to see where she was coming from and I shrugged dismissively to show her that there were no hard feelings.

She seemed to understand because she straightened and then continued. "I learned quite a bit... about this 'foot-ball' game, how violent it is," she grimaced, but fortunately didn't seem too disturbed - thank God! "and now know in exacting detail why... the Patriots have no chance of success in... the upcoming season. Even if there is clearly some bias somewhere." She looked over me at Craig, but her comment had gone clear over his head.

"Your tele-vision," it was a little funny to hear her stumbling over the actual English word, "is amazing. Craig mentioned your use of... elemental electricity to power it, but I... still do not understand how you can create such vivid real-time projections... without some manner of scrying and illusion spells."

I started when I found myself the center of her attention. "Yeah... it's complicated..."

Etherea's eyes dropped and her ears drooped . "Craig wasn't able to explain it either." That wasn't quite what I meant, but I didn't get a chance to clarify.

"I have no idea how all of that shhhh..." Etherea's mane flared around her neck as her head spun toward Craig, her eyes going wide. He chuckled nervously and I wondered just what had happened this afternoon. "...er, how a TV works."

Etherea's eyes caught mine but she flinched and quickly looked away. "Craig and I also had a few very interesting conversations on... other topics." Oh no. "I believe I've run... out of questions concerning human, um, mating practices..." She came to a sudden stop as the sound of my hand hitting my forehead filled the room.

I should have known better than to leave them alone together! "I don't know exactly what he told you, but I have a good idea. Trust me when I say Craig is hardly a model for human relationships."

"I don't know what the problem is. If you want to hang out as friends, I'm cool with that. If you want to get drunk and have the best damned night of your life, then gimme' a call. But I don't need a girlfriend, and I'm not gonna' get married."

My gaze slid in Craig's direction as my eyes narrowed. He hadn't just invited Etherea to join him for an evening of drunken debauchery after I'd explicitly warned him to be careful around her, had he? I suppose I hadn't specifically mentioned his near-nightly escapades. But seriously, was this so hard?

Craig hadn't moved a muscle and was still paying attention to the TV, so no, he hadn't really directed that at Etherea. The bluntness of his response probably wasn't sitting too well with her though. She was a pony after all.

"Ugh. It sounds like you would get... along famously with a friend of mine. I don't understand how you," I caught Etherea including both Craig and I in a pointed look, "can live without... some kind of stable relationship."

"Wait," Etherea leaned away as I sat upright to confront her, "don't include me with Craig. I'm not like him!"

"Yeah, you like to sit in the corner and nurse one drink the whole evening. Boooooring!" I could hear him rolling his eyes. "I still say you just need to get hammered and laid a few times."

I slumped back into the couch, trying to burrow backwards through it. I didn't want to argue with Craig in front of the visiting pony princess, but I also didn't have any good retorts at the front of my mind. He was probably right to some extent; I just didn't like the idea of going out and screwing some random girl because it was simply something to do.

For a long while there was silence in the apartment. I couldn't speak for Etherea or Craig, but I was stewing in my thoughts. I wanted some way to convince her that I wasn't at all like Craig, but I was hesitant to go in to detail about my own romantic interests with a pony I found attractive. I was terrified of what I might accidentally allude to or say considering my track record with stupid comments.

Etherea sat stiffly as I chased thoughts around my head until eventually drawing a breath in and slowly letting it back out.

"And there was something... else..."

Next to me Craig shifted as Etherea trailed off nervously. A glance his way revealed an interested eyebrow cocked our way. His scruffy face was placid at the moment, but I caught a twitch in his cheek.

" A, um, request. I... um... Earlier when you... Just before I took a shower you suddenly shouted before running off to talk to someone." She was blushing up a storm now. Forget showing a little pink around the edges, I was surprised she was conscious. I swear even her feathers had turned bright orange.

"Yeah?" I encouraged, though I immediately regretted how callous it sounded.

"You said... um... I-I mean, what you... I-it was..."

Craig snickered and that just made things worse. Etherea pulled her head back until her mane fell over her face, leaving little more than a bit of wide purple iris visible. Now I was getting alarmed. She was acting like...

Shit... Like she knew that for some reason I found her attractive. This wasn't good. What do I say? What do I...? My heart started racing as I went over my memories of the afternoon with a fine-tooth comb, looking for any hints I might've given. But there could have been so many!

Wait no, she'd mentioned my conversation with Carl. I hadn't realized my attraction then. This could be something else, so maybe I was still safe!

"Etherea," I hesitantly offered, still not knowing what the hell was going on. Or why Craig was starting to smile. "Are you okay?"

She started to make a motion that was half nod and half shake before giving up. "Y-yes. It's just that I... we ponies, um... We don't..."

"She doesn't like poop jokes."

"What?" My head snapped toward Craig and Etherea squeaked.

"That's...! Augh! I t-told you to not talk like that!"

"What?" Craig was completely unrepentant. On the other hand I was still very confused. "You couldn't say it and he wasn't getting it. You were just beating the weasel and I was getting sick of it."

What the fuck? "'Beating the weasel?'"

It was Craig's turn to look confused. Great. One more and we'll all be clueless idiots. "Isn't that how it goes? The weasel's going around a bush or something and then you hit it and it blows up?"

Weasel, bush, and blowing up? It was a classic piece of Craig-ese, and it took me a minute to translate it through to regular English. "You mean pop goes the weasel? And I think the other thing is 'beating around the bush.'"

"Yeah. That."

I rubbed the bridge of my nose. "So Craig told a dirty joke, and you didn't like it? I..."

Etherea shook her head so I still wasn't fully in the loop. "No. Well, yes. But what I mean... What I am trying to say is that-that, um, that Equestrians..." she took a deep breath before finishing in a rush, "...don'ttalkaboutthosekindsofbodilyfunctions! It's... It's just not done!"

Well shit. Oh wait, I shouldn't say 'shit,' should I? Or crap. Or... If she reacts this strongly to that kind of thing then there were a lot of things that I wasn't supposed to say around her. Funny how this was almost a worse reaction than she'd had to many of the things I'd said earlier. All this because she could stand a simple joke?

"What's the problem? All I did was ask if everything came out alright. It was a joke. Don't tell me you ponies don't have dirty jokes where you're from." I wasn't quite sure where, but I sensed a hole being dug somewhere. A deep one.

"Of course we... do. But Craig, that's not the issue! I told... you this earlier! There's a very large difference between 'dirty' and just... plain 'vulgar.' We don't talk about such things, at all, because it's... it's... disgusting!"

The man lazing around to my left rolled his eyes. "Well, it's not like we're talking about some kind of sick sex fetish. It's just a little poop joke."

I leaned back to be a little more out of the way while I tried to decide what to do. Were they really arguing over whether or not poop jokes were okay? Was this princess really so sheltered? That was probably a stupid question.

"Ew. Yes, at least we're... not talking about sexual fetishes." She exaggeratedly rolled her eyes back at him. "No. We're talking about you casually m-mentioning... d-defec-cation. It's not even close to the same thing!" She took a breath to calm her shaking. Then she looked to me. "Why... would you be fine with this?"

My careful neutrality wasn't working. Clearly, because I wasn't actively stopping Craig, I was against whatever Etherea was arguing. But what the hell was she after? She was still largely a shade of orange and was so worked up that I heard the sound of feathers vibrating against each other. She'd casually tossed aside the concept of sex fetishes, yet was completely hung up on the idea of bathroom humor. Actually, it was more like anything bathroom-related.

I had to be honest I suppose. "I don't really see what the big deal is. As far as jokes go it's not even that bad..."

"Not that bad?! T-that i-is the... m-most disg-gusting, f-foul-mouthed, repugn-nant... o-odius kind of language. You just do NOT t-talk about... such-ch things!"

"Dude..."

"Shut up Craig." He glared at me, but Etherea was on the verge of passing out from hyperventilation. I could please my friend or I could please the magically-gifted alien pony princess who was working herself in to a frenzy. "I don't understand it, but once again, since it's such a big deal for you I think we can make do. Forgoing bathroom humor while you're here, for as long as you're here, isn't that big of a deal." I turned to the man lounging to my left. "Right Craig?"

"I can't swear at work, and now I can't swear at home? Fuck!" Craig's eyes widened and he stiffened before looking past me and to the pony glaring over the armrest back at him.

But Etherea just frowned. Craig had just mouthed off with what was arguably the most vulgar curse word in the English language and Etherea barely batted an eye. I was so confused. In fact, she was calming down. Her ears were still folded, but her wings had settled and she was back to her normal golden-yellow self.

"Wait. So princess, talking about the things-we-can't-say isn't cool, but it's okay to say 'fuck?'" Craig nailed my thoughts even if I cringed at the way he said things.

"Talking about... rutting... like that is not appropriate for polite conversation, but yes the act... of procreation is a beautiful thing. Certainly, um, nicer than... that other thing."

"Rutting?"

I was already prepared to be the go-to guy for Craig, and I pulled deeply from my experience with fanfiction for an answer. "Fucking and rutting are the same thing." Etherea's frown developed in to a full-on muzzle wrinkling.

"Gotcha'. Hey princess, I completely agree. And don't take this the wrong way, but sex is the best!" And 'normal' Craig was back.

Etherea leaned away and raised a quizzical eyebrow at Craig. "Do not take this the wrong way...?"

"Yeah." Craig grinned and flailed a hand in the air above him. "I like my girls on two legs. Unless we're gettin' really frisky, y'know?"

Goddamnit Craig! You'd found something you both agreed on but just couldn't have left the conversation there! I think Etherea's look of puzzled horror was a good match for my own feelings. The same thoughts must be going through her head, though I suspected mine were a little more jealousy-based than hers.

And that brought back a whole host of things that I had been repressing off and on throughout the day. I still didn't understand why I had this attraction for Etherea. She was a pony after all. Though she did have four very nice long legs and a flowing tail to accent their movements... But she was practically a horse and I couldn't be thinking about these things right now, not with her sitting right next to me. I shoved them as hard as I could back to the rear of my thoughts. Reluctantly.

Dimble chose that exact moment to jump on to the armrest. It's like he knew the turn my thoughts had taken and wanted to comfort me. He wasn't a lap cat at all, but he loved being nearby. I obliged him of course, scratching behind his ears - knowing just the right spots to transform him in to a black- and gray-striped blob of happy cat.

I tried to move the conversation forward, feeling slightly more collected,. "So I guess that's taken care of. Got any other questions?" I did my best not to cringe at the potential can of worms I might be opening.

Etherea, who had been studiously absorbed in shuffling her hooves, lowered her head slightly before answering. "No. I think I am done."

She definitely had more to say but it was clear that she didn't want to be bothered any more. I turned my head and halfheartedly gave Craig a dark glare that he didn't notice. So much for playing at chivalry. So we sat in relatively peaceful quiet while hoping for the food to get done sooner. I really should have made something quick and easy, but I liked the idea of doing something special for guests, and a pony princess was a hell of a guest to play host to.

Which made me feel bad about the miasma of discomfort that hung around.

Unfortunately the only interruption was a call from Carl, him wanting to know whether I would work tomorrow. Demanding me to was more like it. I kept myself from swearing, but Carl had nothing holding him back and Etherea definitely heard. She frowned through the entire conversation and stared daggers at the TV.

I didn't really want to work, and not just because I felt safer keeping an eye on Etherea myself. Work sucks! But I needed the money and my vacation days weren't infinite. I was torn until Etherea broke in quietly and assured me that she would be alright. She actually insisted that I not let her negatively impact my regular life too much. Her consideration was sweet even if we both knew that her presence alone had already done that.

I also wasn't looking forward to facing my boss after suddenly calling out. He was pretty reasonable, so I didn't expect much, but that didn't mean I wouldn't catch any flak. Plus I already regretted the lie I would have to give him. Envisioning all the directions that conversation could take lasted right up until my phone warned that it was time to start cooking the beans. Unfortunately I had a lot of ideas and not many solutions.

Cooking the beans meant that dinner was on shortly. My two companions approached silently but separately, Etherea keeping some distance from Craig. It seemed to be more discomfort than anything, which I could understand.

"What's in this?" Craig said while poking at the pile on his plate.

"Noodles and cheese. It's like mac 'n cheese only less plastic. The green things are something called a veggie-table and are supposed to be good for you." I mentally cheered at hearing Etherea's amused nicker.

"You're trying to kill me aren't you? This is some plot to give me terminal gingivitis."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "Terminal gingivitis? If anything they'll improve your breath."

I watched that one clear his head by a mile. His expression made it clear that he had no idea what he'd been talking about, much less what my response had to do with it. He eventually tossed a solitary noodle into his mouth and, determining that it was edible, retreated back to the couch. I was all set to serve Etherea before joining Craig by the TV when she decided to take a seat by the kitchen island.

She sniffed at her plate and shrugged her wings. "Smells pretty... good," was her quiet assertation, "maybe your special talent is cooking."

I shook my head before sitting and beginning to eat. And for a moment there was peace. Ah, the wonders of a good (not terrible) meal.

"Is there salt in this?"

I blinked and raised my eyes to Etherea, who I found chewing with her head tilted thoughtfully. "A little. Why?" Speaking of which, I added more salt to my helping.

She watched every motion of my hand, the morsel in her mouth momentarily forgotten. Eventually she blinked, swallowed, and continued. "It's... just interesting. We don't, um, usually use a lot of salt."

I raised an eyebrow at her, urging her to continue, but she just scooped up another bite with a floating fork.

"Good?"

She nodded.

I found myself noticing the little motions she went through with every bite, as though each one was its own, completely new experience. It seemed like there was probably some noticeable difference between food from Earth and that from Equestria. However, each bite also checked out, and I was happy that she was enjoying herself.

I was a bit disappointed that after finishing both her plate and two entire rose heads she almost immediately excused herself and, citing exhaustion, plodded her way toward my room. She did, however, catch herself in the entry to the hall. Backed her rear in to Craig's room, she looked back around the wall at us, her head drooping with a telltale laxness around her eyes. I suddenly felt the urge to yawn again.

"Alex, I assume... that you are allowing me to have your room again?"

I nodded. "I think we all assumed that." I felt a small spark of gratitude that she'd thought to ask despite what was really a foregone conclusion.

"Thank you, both of you. I..." she made sure to look both of us directly in the eyes, "today has not been... easy for any of us, and I really appreciate all... that you are doing for me. It means a lot that even though you did not know me, you... have been treating me like a friend. I am certain that both Equestria and the Crystal Empire... will thank you for your assistance."

I wasn't sure what to say to that. I appreciated that she'd noticed and cared, but I had no good response. A simple 'thank you' didn't seem like it was enough, but I didn't have the time to come up with something appropriate that wasn't either dismissive or overly gushing. Really, I was just embarrassed and that didn't help me any.

"Not a problem princess lady." Etherea's initial smile at Craig's reply turned a bit strained. "Pony lady? Mare. That's what it's called, right?"

Etherea ducked her head and waved a hoof at my roommate. "Yes. Yes. Um, I'm a mare. It's... Nevermind; do not worry about it." Her ears flip-flopped once as she paused. "Anyway. Again, thank you both. Goodnight, and... I hope you sleep well."

"You too." was all I could think to say. Craig waved happily.

I sat and stared for some time at the hallway, hearing the sounds of a pony in my bathroom and marveling at that fact. The image of Etherea's lithe, leggy form standing in opening with her beautiful purple eyes turned on me lingered much like many others that I'd been collecting throughout the day. It felt so wrong, but I couldn't help it. I enjoyed looking at her and I had to admit it.

But what to do now? There was no way for me to act on those thoughts. For one, she far too closely resembled an Earth horse and that was a dark path that I was fervently going to avoid. I couldn't imagine anyone else reacting well to that revelation either. Mom, dad, my two sisters, friends, distant relatives... The whole world really. Craig was quite a bit more adventurous in his sexual escapades than I'd ever be, and I had my doubts that even he'd be very welcoming to a pervert of my caliber.

But that didn't help me any. I still liked looking at this equine-like alien female, and I wanted to spend more time doing it. I was infatuated. And that led me right back around to where my thoughts had started. Getting nowhere this quickly was pissing me off!

I had to break myself out of it, if for no other reason than to distract myself. I stood up and turned to Craig who'd been toying with turning leftover noodles on his plate in to dirty words. "You're doing the dishes you know."

He looked at the small mountain growing next to the sink. "Really? What the fuck..."

"Look, I cooked. You get to clean then. If you want to cook, then I'll clean."

"Fine." He somehow slumped even further in his seat. "See, this is why I just sleep with women. Then I don't have to put up with none of the nagging to do this, do that, or put my socks on. I get enough of that here."

"Whatever," I said as I moved to the couch, "you need a strong man in your life, and if it weren't for me you'd be helpless."

He barked a short laugh. "Oh, someone's wearing their nuts on the outside today. Your time of the month or something?"

"Nope. Not enough beer in me."

"Really?" He eyed me as he moved over to the sink. I nodded. "Wow, dude. Never thought I'd see you drinking on a week night."

I caught the one he tossed at me with a grimace. I wasn't a huge fan of beer - it was just too bitter - and I definitely wasn't fond of shaken ones, but I wanted a little alcohol in me. There was too much to think about but nothing I could actually do, so I just wanted to relax.

The TV proved to be a decent distraction since Craig was occupied and I could find something more entertaining than his usual fare. Amazingly I noted when Etherea finally left the bathroom not by the sound of hooves on the floor, but by the creak of the door. And thinking of her brought a whole new round of internal suppression.

I was getting bad wasn't I?

Fortunately some show on the Discovery Channel about how carburetors are made and work distracted me long enough for Craig to finish in the kitchen. Once back on the couch it took him a whole minute of not talking to me to get bored enough to need to air out his thoughts.

"Helluva' day, huh?"

"Yeah."

He looked sidelong at me and frowned. "You okay? You've been kinda' down."

"Eh..." I shook my head noncommittally. "Just about everything about today sucked. She scares me, I'm scared for her, and what could happen in the near future scares me even more." Craig matched my glance his way as I paused. "Honestly, I wouldn't blame you if you took off for a week. It might be safer."

The somberness of his long sigh was completely un-Craig-like. "I know what you mean. I can't decide whether I'd rather stay and find out what happens, or get the hell out to a safe distance. But dude, you're my friend. I'm not that heartless."

"Plus she seems alright. Completely clueless, but alright." His head motioned toward my room.

"What did you two talk about anyway?"

"Oh. Um, the usual stuff. I told her about my mom and how much she hates my dad." his head wobbled as he rolled his eyes, "Talked about being a DJ, going to parties, getting drunk, and fucking girls. Kinda' funny how she thought you'd be the same way..."

I sighed. "You do realize that she knows absolutely nothing about us, right?"

"Yeah, I got that vibe. I had to explain football from the ground up. She's definitely not in to sports; seemed really hung up on how dangerous it was to have a bunch of dudes 'fighting aggro... aggril...'" His finger quotes faded as he struggled with the word.

"Aggressively. Fighting aggressively." I filled in helpfully like I often did.

"Yeah, that. She wasn't a fan." He took a moment to take a swig, and I followed suit. "She started asking about what we do every day. She was kinda' bummed that you'd called out of work and just hung around all day. She got quiet after that." His eyes shifted my way as he tilted his head closer. "I'm not sure what to do, man, so it's cool that you seem to know what's up. It's really weird though. I don't normally see so much sociality from you. Socialness? Sociability?"

"It's 'sociable.' You don't normally see me so sociable." I was staring unseeing at the TV but in my head I was frantically searching for a way out. That he was linking me to Etherea wasn't unexpected, and I was in for a good ribbing I was sure, but I was already on damage control. Don't say anything too hastily, and for the love of Celestia (Sure, invoke her, why not?) don't let slip that you find ponies attractive! "I guess I just feel sorry for Etherea. She's been ripped away from her entire world and I'm kinda' at fault. I just want to make everything better..." I cut off without saying 'for her.' Wonderful choice of words there.

Craig remained oblivious and nodded slowly while taking a sip from his can. Another pause stretched between us.

"D'you know how long she's gonna' be staying here?"

"Nope." I shook my head and sighed. "She said she's stuck until she can rest up enough or someone from her world can find her."

"Damn. Well, how about the rent? Is she gonna' help out?" I was all set to bury Craig under the weight of my glare when I caught the smile he was failing to hide. I hurriedly changed things up and rolled my eyes. Again. Craig's grin morphed in to a smirk, though he shortly returned to somber. It was so weird that I couldn't help but pay attention.

"D'you think any of those things you mentioned earlier are true? Pony diseases killing us off or the Feds coming to cut her open?"

An ember flared to life in me. I was suddenly angry at both Craig for talking about Etherea so callously and at the possibility of a very dark fate for her. I had to force myself to respond calmly.

"I don't know, Craig. Her government is probably up in arms since she's effectively been abducted, and ours has no idea that there's an alien invader among us. That can't end well unless we can get Etherea to step in first and help diffuse things. And there's always the possibility that something will rub off on her or us, but we won't know until it happens or doesn't. I don't know if we can go to the authorities either for that reason. I'd like to think that we wouldn't do that to her, but I just don't know, and there's no one I can ask." He thought about that which impressed me. I didn't expect much to come of it though. "Speaking of that, you feeling okay over there?"

"Huh? Yeah. I'm good. You?"

I wasn't actually feeling any different physically, but I put my hand to my forehead just to be sure. "Same here. No fevers, no aches, no desire to cough up a lung. So far we're okay, I think, and... Damnit! I forgot to change her bandage." I scuffed the carpet with a heel.

Craig shrugged. "She'd probably tell us if she had a problem. Said she was feeling better earlier this afternoon when I asked, though she complained that her horn hurt." He broke in to a grin and looked my way. "I told her you'd be able to help with that, but I don't think she got it."

Of course he had. Somehow even when he was talking about intimacy with a very obviously female person - pony - he had still found a way to call me gay. I slapped the back of my left hand against his shoulder.

"You even hit like..."

"I'll actually try if you finish that."

We took a moment to watch some commercials though it was clear that neither of us was all that interested. I couldn't speak for Craig, but I was too busy worrying over what might happen tomorrow. I'd agreed to go back to work and leave Etherea here with Craig. She'd seemed to get along okay with him, even if his eccentricities made her seem like a fish out of water. Then again, my first couple of months living with him had left me feeling the same.

It just seemed like going to work was a horrible idea but it had been partially at Etherea's insistence that I return to my daily routine. I just didn't like that I wouldn't be around to help with any problems that cropped up. Yet even if I didn't like it, it was probably better this way. If I were to suddenly change my whole life pattern then people would notice and wonder what was going on. That meant questions that I didn't want people asking in the first place. Secretly there was a real life Equestrian pony in my apartment after all.

"Hey." And of course Craig wasn't content to just let me think. "So that thing earlier, when you called Etherea stupid?"

I wasn't sure how to respond to that. Craig's usual bluntness managed to bypass the reality of the situation and left me struggling to recover. "Er... Yeah?"

"What the hell happened there? Why didn't she force choke you to death for that?"

"Oh, 'cause earlier I kept setting her off." He met my gaze as I turned my full attention to him. "I eventually told her that if I said something that upset her, she should just tell me I'm an idiot and to shut up. It's a lot better than pissing her off until she decides to break my face. She just used the same thing on herself. It worked, didn't it?"

"Yeah, I'd say. And shit, Alex, it's fucking genius!"

"Um... What?"

He levered himself upright and turned to face me. "See, what you did there, it's perfect. She tells you when you're pushing her too far. It's also sort of an insult so she gets to vent, but it's a friendly one so she knows that you're both still cool. That gets her to relax and keeps you on her good side." His smile grew huge and he slugged my shoulder. "Wow! I didn't know you had it in you Alex!"

"Damn... I didn't even think about all that." I refused to rub my shoulder so I rubbed my chin instead. "I was just trying to get her to tell me when I'd gone too far rather than showing me."

"I'd say it worked. When she used it earlier? She obviously gets it, and since you got to use it back that means she's coming around dude. And hey, anything that keeps the her from going Jedi on my ass is cool with me."

Of course Craig would put it that way. He was impressed with me to be sure, but it still all came down to whether or not he was going to be fucked in the end. I'd diffused the situation with Etherea to some extent which meant that Craig wasn't as worried about his own ass. I loved the guy, he was endlessly entertaining, but would it kill him to be a little less self-centered?

That didn't mean that I wasn't a little proud for the same reasons. First contact had happened, it had been a clusterfuck so far, but things were looking up because of what I'd done. Now I just needed Craig to keep his pants on and his mouth in check.

"Looks like you're making friends..." I narrowed my eyes as my attention shifted back to Craig. I didn't like how he'd drawn out that last word. "...with a girl..." right, this again, "...and now she's naked in your bed, probably rubbing herself all over your sheets. Oh Aaaaale...!"

He deserved the punch. My right hook didn't have to be so strong, but I wanted it to be. We normally went back and forth like this simply because I got flustered when teased about girls, but this was a bit farther than either of us usually took things. He was my friend though, so his shoulder took the brunt of my frustrations.

"Dude, she's a pony." I practically growled.

He was glaring at me and rubbing his shoulder (Hah!). However his smile hadn't fully departed. "You noticed, huh? Didn't seem to care last night. What was that you said? Pussy is pussy? You said she's got one you know. She hides it well though."

I needed to get out of this conversation because he was just hitting way too close to home. "I. Know. But come on man, now you're going too far. She's a pony and that's that," even if it wasn't, "so please, just let it go. I don't care if you want to make fun of me about Rachel, even if that was your fault. But we're not talking a human girl here, Craig. She's a pony, and that's..." somehow I couldn't quite bring myself to say 'disgusting,' "...it's only gonna' really piss her off."

That sobered him up a little. He regarded me carefully as what I'd said got filtered, sorted, disassembled, translated, and then reassembled in Craig-ese. "Alright. I'll lay off." He deflated as he sighed. "Man. I can't swear, eat you-know-what, or make cracks at my roommate. This sucks."

"You'll survive."

"Ugh." He stood and stretched, several joints popping in the process. "Well, I guess I'll just go in early again. Colonel Orange," the evening DJ, "is gonna' think I've lost it. But at least when I'm there and off the mic I can do whatever the hell I want."

I grunted and kept him in my peripheral vision as he prepared to leave. It was a really short process of nothing more than acquiring his favorite hat and shoes.

"Hey Alex." I looked at my roommate suspiciously as he hovered just inside the open door. "I know this whole thing is a kick in the balls, but you got through today, right?" He didn't wait for me to answer. "You can do tomorrow. You're a helluva' lot smarter than me, so if anyone can figure a way outta' this, it's you. And when it's over I'll get you so drunk you won't know human poon from pony, and then as your wingman I'll find you the best lay of your life."

Craig was being... sweet? Or as close as Craig got to that. I didn't know what to say; it wasn't that I didn't appreciate the thought, but I wasn't that type of person. But with no other options I simply grunted and shook my head.

"Er... thanks?"

"Fuck, I can't believe I said that..." wafted gently through the room as the door shut behind him. I couldn't help but laugh.

I went back to what I'd been trying to do all along; lose myself in the TV. I managed to tire myself out that way. Eventually. With my extended nap earlier in the day it took quite a while. And naturally the couch was my companion for another night, and as comfortable as it was I still had trouble sleeping. There was simply too much running through my head.

Worry about myself and what my feelings meant, worry about Etherea and whether she was okay, worry about being found hiding an alien... The list went on. I was also excited that not only did ponies exist, but the daughter of two prominent ponies, in both the show and reality, was sleeping just a couple rooms away from me! How cool was that?! My brain couldn't decide whether to be more nervous, or more happy.

As I lay there, a ball of tension roiling within me, I wondered whether Etherea was awake in my bed, worrying just as much as I was. I wanted to hug her and tell her it would be alright, for her sake and mine. But that thought made me worry even more.

At least tomorrow was another day. And Craig was right; I'd survived one day after stranding Etherea on Earth, and I could survive another.

Author's Notes:

Well, there we go. Alex and Etherea have met and they haven't killed each other. Now that the 'boring' stuff is out of the way I can start writing what they do about each other. Put on your hard hats, there's some class 5 rapids somewhere up ahead.

As to Alicorn Twilight... I don't like her and won't be using her. It feels like she's being rewarded for making friends in ways that have nothing to do with having friends. Add to that she'll now have this massive gap between herself and her friends which would probably make it a lot ahrder to keep them... The whole thing really cheapens all the friendship lessons, especially since quite a few of them weren't Twilight's. I don't have any proof, but as soon as I heard about Alicorn Twilight I suspected that was why Lauren Faust left.

As for this story, the AU tag is NOT because of that. It's more because Earth is an alternate universe from Equestria and quite a bit of time will be spent here. Would you believe I had a plan for the whole 'Earth knows about Equestria' thing long before I had an in-canon reason that supported it? You'll just have to trust me on that one for now.

And remember, My Little Pony is just a cartoon. Imagine trying to learn what Earth was like if all you had were episodes of G.I. Joe.

And I swear there are smaller chapters around here somewhere. 36k words is too much.