The writer needs to pay attention to another fic for a few days. However, I will release a couple intermissions that are random as fuck, since those are easy to do.

Our hero lay on his couch/bed, watching the game. He leaned over and picked up his can of Budweiser off the coffee table and took a sip of it, before placing it back down and continuing to watch the game.

Suddenly, the phone rang. Spiderman leaned over and picked it up, holding it up to his ear.

"Hay." our hero greeted.

"Heyo. Sup?" Lyra asked on the other line.

"Nothin' B. Watchin the game, having a bud. Lawl. How about jew?" our hero inquired.

"Nothin'. Watchin the game, having a bud." she responded.

A certain butter yellow pegasus poked her head over the couch and looked at our hero.

"True... true..."

"WAZZUP?!" Fluttershy blurted out.

"WUZZUUUUUUUP?!" our hero exclaimed.

"Yo, who's that?" Lyra asked.

"Yo! Go pick up the phone!" Spiderman ordered.

Fluttershy nodded, running off and picking up the other phone, holding it up to her ear.

"Hello?"

"WAZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUP?!" Lyra asked.

"WAZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP?!" the pegasus responded.

"WUZZUUUUUUUUUP?!" our hero exclaimed.

"Yo, where's Bonny?" Fluttershy asked.

"YO BON BON!" Lyra shouted.

Seconds later, someone else picked up. "Yo?" Bon Bon asked.

"WAZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP?!" Fluttershy asked.

"WAZZUP?!" Bon Bon asked.

"WAZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP?!" Lyra threw in.

"WUZZUUUUUUUUUP?!" our hero exclaimed.

The phone clicked as Bon-Bon hung up, and Fluttershy hung up after that.

"...so what's up, B? Lawl." our hero asked.

"Watching the game, having a bud." Lyra responded.

"True... true..." our hero said.

Suddenly, the door was kicked off it's hinges, revealing the pulped and bloodied mess that used to be that diamond bitch.

"Hold up, I'm gonna have to call you back." our hero said, hanging up the phone before turning his attention to the filly, "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!"

The filly smirked, pulling back a zipper hidden in her mane. Her skin peeled away, revealing a crab.

Our hero grunted, flinching at the fear inducing sight as he activated his codec.

"Para-medic..." he said.

"Spiderman? What's wrong?" Cheerilee answered.

"I've encountered some kind of demon... I-I don't think I'm going to come out of here alive." our hero said.

"Spidey, are you feeling alright?"

"Fuck no. Lawl. I feel like I ate that vindaloo curry again."

"Spiderman, calm down, it's not a demon, it's just a crab." Cheerilee assured our hero.

"A what?!"

"A cra-"

"BY THE SPICE! It's looking right at me..."

"Spidey-"

"SWEET BLACK BABY JESUS, IT'S GETTING CLOSER!"

"Spiderman, listen!"

"It'll tear me to shreds."

"Spidey, your nanosuit has knuckle plated vibro blades, right?" Cheerilee asked.

"Yeah, but-"

"All you need to do is stab it. Once you've killed the crab, you'll get a food ration that you can eat later to restore stamina after your fap sessions."

"ARE YOU INSANE?!" our hero demanded. "A blade is useless against those massive claws. They could rip a tank apart! By the Spice!"

"Spiderman, snap out of it!" Cheerilee exclaimed, frustrated with our hero. "There are more pressing matters at hand. You have to find and destroy the Feminist queen."

"BUT THE DEMON?!"

"SPIDERMAN, WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP AND STAB IT ALREADY?!"

All our hero could hear is her heavy breathing. It gave him a massive erection. He turned to the crab and activated his vibro blades, which ejected from inside his armor.

"Errg... it's moving so fast..."

After a few seconds, Spiderman spotted his opportunity.

"BUST A MOVE!" our hero exclaimed, jabbing at the crab.

However, the crab caught the vibroblade with his claw.

"AH... GODDAMMIT?!" our hero exclaimed, seconds before the crab squeezed and broke his vibro blade.

Our hero grunted, punching at crab. The crab dodged his punches and jumped on his arm. Our hero stabbed at the crab, which jumped out of the way, resulting in him stabbing himself with his broken vibro blade.

It jumped on his back as he fell onto the floor.

"Grrrraaaa... CRAB BATTLE!" our hero grunted, looking back at the crab hanging on his back. It climbed up on his shoulder, and our hero stabbed at it. However, it jumped to the ground, and our hero ended up stabbing himself yet again.

The crab turned around and raised it's claws up in the air in a challenge.

"Okay... let's do this mother fucker!"

It walked back and forth, as our hero tracked it with his broken vibro blades.

"Ah yeah... you want-"

Our hero lurched forward, stabbing at the crab. It jumped backward, and our hero hit his head on the wall.

"Cr... ah... CRAB BATTLE!!!" our hero grunted in pain. The crab walked forward and jabbed at his right eye, knocking the eye of it's socket. Our hero lurched back, howling in pain.

He coughed up some blood, and looked at his shoulder, where the crab was sitting.

"OH DEAR BLACK JESUS!"

"SPIDERMAN! SPIDEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?!" the bootylicious teacher asked.

"EYAAA! CRAB BATTLE!" our hero responded.

"Spiderman, you're not making any sense!" Cheerilee exclaimed.

Like he ever made any sense, am I right guys?

I'll shut up now.

"AH... IT'S GOT ME! AW... SONUVABITCH! ACK... erg... era... ferr... CRAB BATTLE!!"

"What the hell?!" Cheerilee demanded. "Spiderman, stab it!"

"Ah... I can't... I broke my blade!"

"WHAT?! Spidey, that's impossible!" the teacher exclaimed in disbelief.

"AH! Arg... crab... it broke... IT BROKE MY KNIFE! ACK! ERR! CRAB BATTLE!"

"STOP SAYING THAT!" Cheerilee exclaimed.

"RAA! CRAB BATTLE!" our hero shouted out, "HRRRYYYAAAA!"

"What the hell is going on?!" Cheerilee demanded.

"CRAB BATTLE!" our hero shouted.

"STOP SAYING THAT!" Cheerilee shouted.

The crab moved in for the final killing blow. However, something jumped into the room and charged at the two. Before our hero could blink his remaining eye, the crab was knocked off him, and a certainly gentlemanly raptor stood over the crab. Fluffles brought his foot down on the crab, squishing it like a bug.

"FLUFFLES?!" our hero exclaimed in shock.

"What?" he asked.

"Since when are you a badass?"

"Spiderman, I'm a member of the elite Raptor Special Forces Group with thousands of years of combat experience. I have knowledge in multiple martial arts and have an almost unmatched knowledge of offensive and defensive spells. The only reason why no one knows this is because the readers never choose my options, so we don't go on any wacky adventures and kickass together."

"Oh... lawl. Let's go get a drink. " our hero said, popping his eye back in it's socket. The two walked out of the cottage, leaving behind a butter yellow pegasus, who confused beyond belief.

"WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!" she demanded no one in particular.