Authors note: Finally back. Now with more lulz. Several more chapters after this (I wrote a lot when I was offline), I’ll start allowing you, the readers, to start choosing where the story goes. Props to Bromont for his Katawa Broujo threads on /a/, which, after spending a day reading them, inspired me to not only get back into writing.

It was the beginning of a new day, the sun slowly rising over Canterlot and basking Ponyville in it’s warm, yellow rays.

Sunlight flooded in through Fluttershy’s window. The butter yellow pegasus stirred and sat up, groaning as the dawn of a new day disrupted her pleasant dream.

After rubbing the sand out of her eyes and smacking her lips, she made her way over to the window.

“FUCK YOU SUN!” she bellowed, before angrily shutting the blinds. She made her way into her bathroom, popping some pills into her mouth and drowning them down with some vodka. Technically, this was a very dangerous thing to do, as stated on the bottle, but Fluttershy didn’t give a fuck what some neckbeard scientists had to say.

Her wake up ritual complete, Fluttershy made her way down the kitchen, threw open the refrigerator door, and pulled out some leftover mcdonalds. Tossing her breakfast onto the table, she made her way into the living room, where our hero, 60’s Era Spiderman, was sound asleep.

“Wake up Spiderman...” she cooed.

No response.

Fluttershy glared at the sleeping hero. “WAKE UP YOU FUCKING SACK OF SHIT!”

“Lawl no.”

“Please?”

“Fuck off.”

The buttermilk yellow pegasus snorted in anger. She quickly retrieved her breakfast from the kitchen and plopped down on top of our hero, flipping on the television.

“OH SHIT IS THAT FUCKING HOUSE?!” Spiderman exclaimed as he jumped up, suddenly wide awake, staring intently at the TV.

“Um... yeah?”

“It’s not lupus lawl.”

“It’s never fucking lupus.” the pegasus agreed.

After finishing up the leftover mcdonalds in the fridge and watching several hours of House M.D., Fluttershy kicked open her front door and rolled outside, our hero loping along behind her.

After kicking the rotting corpse of Angel back and forth, the two grew bored and made their way into town. It was Thursday, so Applejack would have her freshest products on sale.

“Yo yo, Applejack, what’s good my zigga?” Fluttershy greeted, slapping the orange cowpony some hoof and pulling her into a sisterly embrace.

“Not much, not much. That yellow hush ya’ll were for is in.”

“Fuck yeah. What about the banana kush?”

“Only the best for you, Flutters,” Applejack said, hoofing over the weed and a basket full of various different kinds of apples, “That’ll be 250 bits.”

A large grin spread across the pegasus’s face as she produced the bits, hoofing it over to the orange apple and drug dealer.

After quickly counting the golden bits and ensuring they were not counterfeit, Applejack looked up at the two with a smile. “Ya’ll have a good one now.”

“Lawl k.” Spiderman said as the two walked away from the cart. Fluttershy walked over to a nearby building a leaned up against it, skillfully wrapping two blunts and handing one over to our hero.

Lighting up their blunts, the two smoked as they made their way down the street. After several minutes of walking and smoking, Fluttershy opened up her bit purse and looked inside.

“AWW SHIT BALLS!” she screeched in horror.

“What?”

“I’m out of bits.”

“Let’s go rob a liquor store, lawl.”

“I’m down.” Fluttershy said, reaching into her saddlebags and producing a .357 magnum, a glock, and A FUCKING GRENADE LAUNCHER.

“OH SHIT YOU’RE HARDCORE.” 60’s Era Spiderman proclaimed.

“I know.” Fluttershy agreed with a slight giggle, “Let’s go get Pinkie. She always loves a good robbing.”

Pinkie Pie leaned down, snorting up a line of neatly cut Colombian cocaine with a strawberry twizzler. Her head rocketed back in ecstasy, her mane growing poofier and her smile growing larger.

She turned around and turned on her CD player, which started to blast “Cocaine” by Eric Clopton.

It was a slow day in the Sugar Cube Corner, allowing Pinkie to do practically anything she wanted.

A bell rang out as the front door opened and some patrons walked in. Pinkie Pie quickly wiped away some excess coke away from her nose and bounced up to the front counter.

“Hi, welcome to the- oh, hey you guys!” she greeted Fluttershy and our hero as they walked up to the front counter.

“What’s up, Stanky Pink?” Fluttershy asked, pulling the pink Earth pony into a sisterly embrace and slapping her on the back effectionately.

“Not much! Just my usual slow day routine!” she said with a ridiculous grin.

“I see. I’m a bit low on bits-”

“No, I have nothing to spare.” Pinkie interupted.

“Lawl Jews.” Spiderman said.

Fluttershy glared at the two. “We’re going to rob the liquor store across town. You in?”

“Sounds like fun!” Pinkie Pie declared, “just let me get ready.”

Fifteen minutes later, our hero found himself walking into the liquor store with Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy in tow, all three of the decked out in sunglasses and trenchcoats. They looked like they came out of the fucking Matrix.

As Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy ran off to get some coors, mountain dew, doritos, and microwave burritos, 60’s Era Spiderman examined his surroundings. At the front counter was a Saddle Arabian immigrant named fatass or Paco or some shit like that. He probably had a bomb strapped to his chest and was waiting for the perfect moment to blow up Applejack’s Weed and Apple Farm™.

Examining the liquor stores coffee and donuts was a cop. Upon noticing our hero glancing at him, the cop gave him a cheery wave and turned his attention back to the donuts and coffee.

*SLAM*

Spiderman looked up to see that Pinkie and Fluttershy have finished picking out their shit and dropped it on the counter all at once. He quickly made his way over to them.

“Pinkie! My close friend and ally! How are you my friend?” the clerk asked.

Pinkie turned to Fluttershy. “Take the shit to that truck outside.”

She nodded and slide everything into her saddlebags, and began to make her way out of the liquor store.

“Hey slow your roll chief. You guys gotta pay for that first.” Mr. Durka called out.

Fluttershy stopped at the front and glanced over her shoulder.

“Relax, Osama! You know I’m good for it!” Pinkie said.

“Hey guys, you know the rules. No exceptions. Bits only.” Osama Bin Hidin’ said.

Pinkie glanced over at the cop, who was now approaching the line with coffee and donuts in hoof. He noticed her glancing at him and gave her a kind smile.

“LOOK! He’s got a weapon!” Pinkie declared, pulling a SMG out from under her trench coat and aimed it at Paco.

The cop behind Pinkie dropped his coffee and donuts and pulled out his own gun, pointing it at Spidey and the pink party pony.

“Woah, wait a minute now!” Fluttershy said, advancing towards the clerk, her glock in hoof, “Put the gun down.”

“Gun? What gun? I’m not holding a gun. Guys, it’s me. Pinkie, your landlord helped me build this store!”

Pinkie looked back at the cop aiming his gun at her and her friends, before turning back to Aladdin. “I DON’T KNOW YOU, MOTHER FUCKER! NOW, PUT THE GUN DOWN, PUT IT DOWN!”

“There is no gun! Look!” Saddam Hussein shouted.

“DROP THE WEAPON!” Fluttershy screeched.

“I-I, I don’t see a weapon!” the cop said, trembling nervously.

“I am not holding a weapon,” he pleaded, closing his eyes and looking away, “I AM NOT HOLDING A WEAPON!”

“OFFICER, THIS MOTHERFUCKER GOT A GUN POINTED AT YOU! DO YOU WANT TO DIE?!” Fluttershy exclaimed.

“WHAT?!”

“DO-YOU-WANT-TO-DIE?!” She repeated.

“I DON’T HAVE A GUN!” the clerk screeched in fear.

“HE DOES HAVE A GUN, TRUST ME! THE ABSENCE OF EVIDENCE IS NOT THE EVIDENCE OF ABSENCE!” Pinkie Pie shouted.

“I-I DON’T SEE A GUN!” The cop responded.

“Man, fuck this shit!” Fluttershy said as she turned her glock on the cop, “Whose side you on? Mine, or this muthafucker who’s obviously of terrorist descent?”

After pondering for a second, the cop turned his gun onto the clerk, “Wait... I think I can see the gun now!”

“GOOD!” Pinkie declared as she jumped onto the counter, “NOW WE ALL SEE THE WEAPON! NOW YOU HAND OVER THAT WEAPON ON THE COUNT OF THREE, OR I SWEAR TO ALL MIGHTY CELESTIA, I’LL BLOW YOUR FUCKIN’ HEAD OFF! ONE!”

“I CAN’T GIVE YOU A WEAPON I’M NOT HOLDING!” Obama pleaded, “YOU’RE THINKING OF THE ZEBRA SHOP, NORTH OF HERE!”

“TWO!”

“Is he... still holding it?!” the cop asked shakily.

“TIMES UP!”

The clerk ducked under the counter as Spidey, Pinkie, and Fluttershy opened fire on him all at once. A nearby storage closet flung open, and three Saddle Arabians dressed like ninjas or some shit opened fire on the trio with their AK’s. The three ran for cover, as the cop was caught in the crossfire and sent flying to the ground.

Spidey and Fluttershy scrambled towards the back of the store as Pinkie laid down covering fire, sending the four haji’s diving for cover. Once Pinkie got to cover, they popped up once more and opened fire on the back of the store. Spidey leaned out of cover and fired off the rest of the ammo in his magnum, managing to his one of the Saddle Arabians in the shoulder and the chest.

“Lawl I’m out of ammo.” Spidey said. Pinkie Pie reached into her saddlebags and tossed him an AKS. Our hero quickly unfolded the stock of it and held it to his chest as he peaked around the corner, looking at the cop.

“Hey, what’syerface.”

“My name’s Buck.”

"Buck, you’re going to die, lawl.”

“I don’t think I’m dying.”

“You’re full of shit, lawl.”

“Actually, I think I’ll gonna make it,” he said as he started to rise off the ground.

“You hear that, you sweaty camel fucking bastards?! Bucky ain’t dead! Bucky says, bring it on!” Pinkie Pie said as she rounded the corner and opened fire, “BRING IT!”

The Men That Stare At Camels returned fire with renewed vigor, sending Pinkie diving for cover and once again hitting Officer Buck, knocking him to the ground.

Hours later, a reporter stood outside of the liquor store, reporting on a firefight between police and Equestrian patriots and Saddle Arabian terrorists.

“And here they come now.” the reporter said as they dragged the Saddle Arabians out of the liquor store. They were followed by Spiderman, Fluttershy, and Pinkie, their guns at their side and bottles of mountain dew in hoof (and hand).

Fluttershy looked around at the dozens of cops, reporters, and average joes standing, watching them.

“DAFUQ YA’LL LOOKING AT?!” she demanded.

After a moments pause, the crowd surrounding the gas station began to cheer for the trio.

“Let’s paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarty!” Pinkie declared, holding a 24 pack of coors and tossing it into the crowd, before charging in. Fluttershy and Spiderman stood there, watching as everything went to shit.

“You gonna go party?” Fluttershy asked.

“Nah. I only get down on Friday, lawl.” Spidey answered.

“Me neither. Let’s head home and watch some Power Rangers.”

“Shit is so cash.”

The two started to skip away, singing as they went.

“GO GO POWER RANGERS!”

“GO GO POWER RANGERS!”

“GO GO POWER RANGERS!”

“MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS!” they sang together happily.

They spent the rest of the night watching Power Rangers and smoking yellow kush.

That green Power Ranger is one awesome mother fucker.

Author's Notes:

No one uses these lawl