Everything was quiet. Nothing stirred, not even a mouse. Well, technically that isn’t true. Eminem was going around murdering people as he sung his song, 3 AM.

But that’s a story for another time.

Spiderman snored loudly on the couch, his snores reverberating through the cottage.

Suddenly, our hero awoke, rising up with a gasp as he rolled off the couch.

“ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES EVERYWHERE!” he screeched as he waved his hands about in the air.

Spiderman then collapsed on the ground and started to spasm violently.

As Spiderman did what a Spiderman does, Fluttershy made her way downstairs with a cute yawn. She examined our hero for a few seconds as he rolled about on the floor. She was pretty sure he would be foaming at the mouth if she could see under his mask, but it was just a guess.

“Spiderman, what the fuck are you doing?”

“THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING!” he screeched, arching his back as he did so.

“What good will this do?” Fluttershy asked with a raised brow.

“This dance will summon Bruce Campbell to Equestria to kick some zombie ass!” he responded.

“Dude, Bruce Campbell is fucking god tier!” Fluttershy declared.

“Lawl I know.”

Meanwhile, in the Old Spice Guys Invade Equestria universe, Bruce Campbell lay in bed with his pony bride, Rarity, as he flipped through a book. A badass book. Or something.

Suddenly, his Galaxy x6 (a badass experimental smartphone with over 9000 gigabytes) vibrated. He put aside his book and looked at the text.

60’s Era Spiderman is attempting to summon you.

Will you answer the call?

Text yes to teleport to his current location, or text no to tell him to go fuck himself.

“Eh.” Bruce said as he tossed his phone aside and turned his attention back to his book, “I’ll get to that.”

“Eventually.”

“Any minute now!” Spiderman said, waiting expectantly for Bruce Campbell to show up.

Fluttershy looked at our hero disbelievingly.

Spiderman glanced down at his watch.

“Any second- fuck it, let’s go smoke some weed.” Spiderman said, throwing his watch to the ground, which exploded on impact.

“Now you’re talking.” Fluttershy said.

Meanwhile, in the Ponyville cemetery, something was happening.

No, someone didn’t set us up the bomb. The dead were rising.

The ground shook as various dead ponies and pets climbed to the surface.

“Ploooooooooooot...” the zombies moaned, as the slowly advanced towards the nearest settlement, which happened to be Fluttershy’s cottage.

On a nearby hill sat Old Stallion Jenkins, a bottle of whiskey in hoof.

“I need to lay off the sauce...” he commented as he watched the undead army advance towards Ponyville.

As our hero and Fluttershy finished off their shared joint, there was a loud knock at the front door. The two glanced at each other as Spidey got up and opened the door.

“Bruce?” he asked.

“Nooooooooooope! Chuck Testa!” Chuck Testa said.

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“Get the fuck out of here.”

“Okay. See yah Spidey.” he said as he turned around and started to walk away. Out of nowhere, a zombie tackled Chuck Testa to the ground, biting down into his neck and ripping a large chunk of his flesh out of his neck.

“Fucking sweet lawl.” our hero commented, getting the zombie’s attention. The zombie rose off of Chuck Testa’s still writhing body and started advancing towards our hero. Seeing this danger, Spiderman extended his wrist and aimed it at the zombie.

“Oh shit, I forgot how to shot web.”

“Plooooooooooooooooot...” the zombie moaned.

Spiderman looked over his shoulder. “Fluttershy, how do I shot web?!”

“Spiderman, close the fucking door!” Fluttershy shouted at our hero.

“Oh right lawl.” he said as he slammed the door in the zombie’s face, who proceeded to start banging on the door in an attempt to break in.

“So, what now?” Fluttershy asked.

“Lawl I dunno.”

“Shouldn’t we baracading shit?”

“Who gives a fuck lawl.” Spidey said as he made his way over to the couch and flipped on the television. After flipping through the channels, our hero settled on watching House M.D.

“Spidey, what are you doing?”

“Starting my morning out right,” 60’s Era Spiderman responded as he shot off a quick text.

Bruce Campbell walked into the kitchen and went straight the fridge, grabbing some eggs, bread, hash browns, and vegetarian sausage. Using the power of Old Spice, he turned his random assortment of food into a five star meal. He quickly distributed food between two plates and carried them to the living room, where Rarity was waiting patiently.

“Good morning, darling.” she greeted.

“Morning.” he responded, planting a kiss on her cheek and placing a plate in front of her, before making his way over to his seat.

As he stabbed into one of his sausages and brought up to his mouth, his x6 vibrated.

“God dammit...” he muttered as he placed his fork down and fished his phone out his pocket and checked the message.

lawl zombies and house come on over

-love spidey

Zombies. House. That’s the only right way to start the morning.

The x6 vibrated once again.

oh and they got chuck testa lawl it was badass

“That sucks,” Bruce commented as he rose from his chair and started to walk to the basement.

“Darling? Where are you going?” Rarity inquired.

“I’m going to go save Spiderman’s ass.” Bruce responded, “Also, Chuck Testa is dead.”

“Oh no!”

“Oh yeah!” that kool-aid guy said as he crashed through a wall. Bruce glared at the kool-aid guy, before picking up a nearby paperweight and throwing it at the kool-aid guy, causing him to crack and shatter.

Satisfied with his revenge, Bruce continued his journey down to the basement. In his basement was his study and library, as well as an armory. Making his way to the armory, Bruce Campbell looked over his collection.

Briefly considering taking his boomstick from the Evil Dead series, Bruce decided that it likely lacked the firepower to take on an army of zombies.

Then, he remembered something.

The latest addition to his collection.

Bruce Campbell quickly grabbed it and several boxes of shells, then texted yes in response to his earlier alert.

“It’s lupus.” the TV blasted. Spiderman had earlier turned the TV way the fuck up to drown out the sound of zombies banging on the cottages walls, windows, and doors.

Suddenly, a portal formed in front of the TV and out walked Bruce Campbell. His left arm was replaced by a chainsaw, and in his right arm, he carried an AA-12 automatic shotgun.

“Down in front!” Spiderman called out.

“Spidey.”

“Bruce Campbell.”

“I heard you got a zombie problem.”

“Lawl yeah.”

“Let’s go take care of it, shall we?”

“Lawl k.”

Outside waited an army of zombies, milling about waiting for something living to show up or trying to break into the cottage to get to living inside.

*CRASH*

The zombies turned around to see Bruce Campbell kick down the front door of Fluttershy’s cottage, his chainsaw and AA-12 at the ready. Following him were Fluttershy and our hero, both armed with M4’s.

“GET SOME!” Bruce called out as he opened fire, unleashing a barrage of destruction against the zombies. Zombies after zombie fell as Bruce’s explosive rounds sent them flying, with Fluttershy and Spiderman shooting down any stragglers.

“Watch out Bruce!” Fluttershy called out.

“Plooooooooooooooot!” a zombie cried as it pounced at Bruce Campbell.

“DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” Spiderman called out.

Bruce quickly dived and rolled out of the way, then kicked the zombie in the side with all his strength, knocking it over on it’s side. Before the zombie could rise and attack, Bruce was on top of it. With a quick slash of his chainsaw, the zombie’s head was separated from it’s body.

“Disgusting.” Bruce Campbell commented as he kicked the still moving head into the distance.

“Fore!” Fluttershy called out, watching it disappear into the distance.

“Is that all?” Bruce asked.

“Lawl no.”

“That was only round one. We must go to the cemetery and stop whatever is causing the dead to rise.” Fluttershy said, as she tied a red bandana over her head.

“Let’s go to work, then.” Bruce said.

As they approached the cemetery, they found that somepony had already beat them there.

There stood Twilight Sparkle, clad in her digital woodland uniform and armed with an M16, mowing wave after wave of zombies, with the help of several other Marines. Judging by the bodies surrounding them, they used to be part of a much larger force.

But not anymore.

“Twilight?” Fluttershy asked as they approached the Marine fireline.

“Fluttershy?! What the fuck are you doing here?!” Twilight demanded.

“What the fuck am I doing here?! What the fuck are you doing here?!” she responded.

“What, you don’t think that Luna wouldn’t notice the dead are rising?” Twilight asked retorically as she adjusted her helmet into a more comfortable position, “My team was deployed here to put down this threat to Equestria before it did any serious damage. Sadly, we came unprepared. We only barely survived the last wave.”

“Lawl sucks to be you.”

Before Twilight could unleash a fierce can of whoopass upon our hero, Fluttershy stepped up to the plate. “Bruce Campbell here is here to stop the zombies. He knows what to do.”

The purple unicorn blinked and looked up at chainsaw wielding man as if this is the first time she saw him. “Dude... you’re fucking god tier.”

“So I’ve heard.” he responded.

“So, ladies, you gonna stand around here waiting to become some zombie’s lunch, or are you going to join in an epic quest to stop the zombie menace from taking over Equestria?” Fluttershy asked, striking a pose.

“Sounds like some party. Let’s go Marines!” Twiley called out to the survivors.

The trio, now accompanied by Twilight Sparkle and eight other Marines, marched their way into the cemetery.

It was quiet.

Too quiet.

“GOD THIS IS SO FUCKING CLICHE!” one of the Marines whined, before a giant zombie tackled him. As the Marine screamed in terror, the zombie used it’s massive strength and ripped the Marine in half.

“TANK!” Twilight called out. Several of the Marines charged up and opened fire on the giant beast. In response, the tank threw the two halves of the corpse at the Marines, then jumped up in the air and landed on them, crushing them.

By now, other zombies started to come out of the woodwork and slowly started advancing towards our savior’s position.

“Shore Leave, take that fucker to town!” Twilight ordered.

“Yes Lieutenant!” “Shore Leave” responded, unslinging an AT4 from his back and balancing it over his shoulder.

“FIRE IN THE HOLE!” Twilight called out to the others as Shore Leave unleashed his ordnance on the steroids addicted zombie, blowing it into millions of a pieces.

“Marines, hold the line! Fluttershy, take Spiderman and Bruce Campbell and FINISH THIS FIGHT!” Twilight shouted.

The Marines went back to back, covering all fields of fire as the trio separated from them and charged towards the center of the cemetery, where Bruce said the source was supposed to be.

Suddenly, as the zombies started to chase after them, the MJOLNIR Mix started to play out of fucking nowhere. The epic guitar riffs inspired the trio to ran faster, slashing and shooting as they went.

Suddenly, a challenger appears! Another tank jumps in front of the trio and starts to bring it’s fists down on them.

“DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGE!!!!!” Fluttershy screeched.

“Lawl k.” Spiderman said as they all rolled out of the way, narrowly escaping their deaths. Fluttershy and Spiderman continued to run, yet Bruce stood defiant in the fact of death.

“Go on! You guys know what to do. I’ll hold off these fuckers.”

“Have fun dying! Lawl.” Spiderman called over his shoulder as he and Fluttershy continued to run.

Eventually, our hero and his companion reached the center of the cemetery. As they stood there, gasping for breath, they observed what awaited them.

In front of them was a large cave in. The cave in had a dark aura, and seemed to be glowing a light green.

“Let’s get this over with.” Fluttershy said, as she cautiously approached the cave in.

“Lawl k.” Spiderman responded, following her and just not giving a fuck in general.

Author's Notes:

I'm going on vacation, so I'm not sure when I'll post the next chapter.