“I can’t wait to be a useless piece of shit all day and play all these games,” I said, carrying a stack of video games. Unfortunately, I didn’t see the stairs in front of me and I started falling.

“Fuck I’m falling down all these stairs,” I said, somehow managing not to bite my own tongue.

“I warned you about stairs bro!!!!” Drogur shouted, “I told you dog!”

“It keeps happening!” I exclaimed, the stairs seemed to be never ending!

“I told you man, I TOLD you about stairs,” finished Drogur.

Then I woke up. Why do I always have weird dreams when I sleep in my snake body? I asked myself, and I still haven’t found an answer.
I was still on Crackle 2’s back, but we were no longer flying. I looked around and found myself in a barren land. It was very similar to the place where Spike went with the dragon migration in that episode, all desertic and with lava and shit. I’m not a stupid fanfiction writer that thinks he’s good at writing, so I’m not going to bother doing a detailed description of the place just in case a bunch of sweating bronies are somehow listening or reading my thoughts.
Crackle 2 was eating gems, so I slowly uncoiled myself and slithered away from him. There was no one else around, so I hid behind a rock and turned to dragon. OK, what do I do now? I was alone with Crackle 2 in a barren land with lava rivers, so I did what anyone else would have done in my situation. Lava river! I have to take a lava bath right now! I ran towards it, the heat that would have melted my human skin barely noticed by my body. I chickened out when I was about to dive jump into it, so I opted to enter slowly. I introduced a feet in the lava and it felt like hot water, only denser and kind of sticky. After a few seconds my head was the only part of my body above the surface. Oh my God this feels awesome. I didn’t remember the last time I had felt so relaxed and comfortable. I managed to find the Sun, which was a spot of light behind the dense ash cloud that covered the entire zone, and guessed it was around 7 and 12 in the morning. I miss my watch.

I tried swimming, which dragons could do better than I expected thanks to their powerful wings, and I let the current carry me without a care in the world. But everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Wait, that’s not it... Uh... Oh, yeah, now I remember. I heard a loud splashing sound behind me, and when I turned around I found another teen dragon staring at me.

“I don’t know you,” he stated. He was a head taller than me and very lanky. His color scheme was the same as Spike’s, but that’s where the similarities ended, “I am ____
Oh shit, I completely forgot his name...
…
...
I will just call him Spike 2.

“I am Spike 2, what’s your name?”

Oh, crap. I forgot to think a new name. I guess Havoc will work as a dragon name.

“I’m Havoc, what do you want?”

“Well, you were just letting yourself be carried away by the lava flow. That is nice, but this particular river is the border between many territories. You are practically begging to be beaten by staying here. Come with me, there’s a bunch of us a few minutes away.”

I shrugged and followed him out of the river. He cleaned his body with great care, so I did the same. I guess it must be a pain in the ass to clean it off when it turns to stone.

“Havoc, check my wings, see any lava?” he asked. I was about to move them to have a better view, but I suddenly remembered all the clop images of wingboners I had seen, so I decided to just look without touching.

“They are fine, check mine now,” he did touch my wings, but it didn’t feel arousing in the slightest. That’s one less thing to worry about.

We flew to a nearby inactive volcano’s crater, where many teen dragons were playing something. Is it me or they are playing baseball? They were indeed playing something similar to baseball, but... Holy shit, that’s not a ball, it’s a diamond dog’s head! That’s so fucked up and disgusting I don’t know if I should feel sick or amazed. The game followed the same rules as baseball, the main differences were that they used their tails as bats, they could fly to catch the “ball”, and when someone got the ball the enemy team could block him like football players. Spike 2 facepalmed.

“I can’t believe they are playing that game again,” he muttered. “It’s so boring.”

“I have never seen this game before,” I said. I hope it’s not the dragon’s national game or something like that.

“Because it’s stupid, that’s why you don’t know about it.”

We landed where the dragons that weren’t playing at the moment rested. Spike 2 introduced me to all of them, and we waited until the game ended. Then three more dragons joined Spike 2 and me.

“Well, Caedmon,” said a dark red...

CAEDMON! HIS NAME WAS CAEDMON! Ugh I can’t believe I forgot it.

“Well, Caedmon” said a dark red dragon as tall as me, named Krug, “when I told you to stop being so stuck up I wasn’t expecting you to literally pull the stick,” he pointed at me, “out of your ass.” The others laughed at us. So you want to play that game, huh?

I looked from side to side, as if I was looking for someone.

“How come there’s not a single girl with you?” I frowned, “I hope you aren’t planning to take me to the gay sauna, I don’t swing that way!”

They all stopped laughing, and Krug bared his teeth. So homosexuality exists in Equestria and dragons hang out with females sometimes. It’s good to know.

“You and me, weird-eyed freak. Tail wrestling, now,” he said, smoke billowing out of his nostrils. I didn’t know how strong my dragon body was compared to the rest, and Krug was the bulkiest of the group, but I suspected I had to accept his challenge to avoid being considered a pussy.

“Hm... I don’t think it’s a good idea to lift my tail while you are behind me, but I accept.”

He is stronger. That was what I realized as soon as we started. I had no chance of defeating him, I had no technique or experience and his tail was stronger. That’s why I began cheating with magic. Trying to weaken him would be useless due to his resistance to magic, so I empowered myself as much as I could without returning to my main form. Thanks to that, I was able to surpass him and return to our original position. The rest of the dragons stopped cheering when they noticed I was beating Krug.. However, I was unable to make his tail move past that point. I felt how he changed his tail’s position and, suddenly, he was gaining on me. I couldn’t do anything to counter his superior technique, and soon he pinned my tail to the ground. As soon as he did, the silence was broken by the cheers of the dragons.

“Shut up!” ordered Krug, and boy did they obey, “Havoc, that was brutal!”

“Huh?”

“You’re really strong, I have never met a brown dragon that did so good in tail wrestling,” he said with respect. “We’re going to have lunch, want to join us?”

“Yeah, why not?”

I followed them as they flew out of the volcano’s crater. The other two dragons that weren’t Krug and Caedmon were called Brimrock and Gehenna. Brimrock was a light blue dragon with black ram horns. He was a bit taller than Caedmon, but big and fat instead of thin and lanky. Gehenna was a emerald green dragon with yellowish fins. Yes, fins, like Garble the red dragon from Dragon Quest. He was the shortest of the group and the most energetic.
They were rather cliché: the strong leader, the thin smart one, the big dumb one and the little jester. I will be the guy who gets all the chicks.
We landed next to a huge pile of gems. What’s with these hoards? Are they shared by teen dragons or what? Ugh, I should have used on Caedmon the same trick I used on that diamond dog to learn everything I could from him.
They began eating gems without troubles, so I did the same. They asked me about my background while we gorged on the delicious gems. I was able to not raise suspicions thanks to a mix of vague answers, changing the subject and luck. I was also able to learn a bit about them and dragons in general. Krug was the strongest of them all, but he was very hot-headed and impulsive. Caedmon was stronger than he seemed, largely because dragons had some sort of power ranking based on their color according to them, purple being between red and blue. Even so, he was more prone to intellectual activities and belittling others than to fighting. Brimrock was the second strongest, when he overcame his sloth and fought for real. He was a bit of a silent giant, and most of the time he seemed to be half-asleep. Gehenna was the polar opposite of Brimrock. He was small and weak, but he was almost as hyper as Pinkie Pie and sharp-tongued, so he and Caedmon were always trying to beat the other in an endless verbal fight that would have probably turned into a rap battle if dragons knew about rap. I was a brown dragon, which meant I had the lowest rank or something like that. Apparently, that made me the weakest, as my scales and fire weren’t as strong as theirs. It was complicated and they thought I knew about it, so I could only learn a bit about how all of that worked.

I found myself enjoying their company. They were a breeze of fresh air after so many weeks dealing with diamond dogs. Apart from Drogur, the dogs were awful conversation partners, boring and unimaginative. The dragons, however, were intelligent and always eager to have fun. If you replaced the gems with alcohol you would have the typical human teenagers. I decided to spend some time with them until a better alternative showed up. If I am lucky they will be prone to fighting to the death and I will be able to take their energy as they die. They showed me around the zone so I could avoid trespassing an adult’s territory. I also learned the general layout of the area and the main landmarks, like the cave in which they slept together (no homo) and the volcano craters in which teen dragons gathered. We joined a bunch of dragons that were playing king of the hoard. I began climbing the hoard until a yellow dragon to grabbed my tail and pulled, making me fall before I was even close to the summit. I saw Krug and another red dragon fight for the victory while I started climbing again, neither of them managing to defeat the other. Then Brimrock reached the top and, using his superior weight, pushed both of them down.

“King of the hoard!” he bellowed, raising one fist in the air.

“Oh, come on! He always does the same thing,” complained Caedmon, who was next to me, “and they always fall for it! Come, let’s show him who’s boss.”

We worked together to reach the top and throw Brimrock, and as soon as we did Caedmon betrayed me and pushed me from behind. Yeah, I should have seen that one coming. The game continued for a few minutes more, until a brutally ripped black dragon rose to the top and no one else managed to throw him. We continued playing and doing questionable activities until the night fell upon us.

“Well, Havoc, your time has come,” said Krug, a glint of mischief in his eyes.

“What do you mean? I already said I didn’t want to go to the gay sauna,” he facepalmed... Or should I say faceclawed? Nah, that sounds weird.

“What I mean is that now you have to prove yourself.”

“How?” I asked, and he facepalmed again.

“Don’t play dumb on us, you know what he means,” said Gehenna. Dude I have no idea what you want me to do!

“Yeah, everyone knows you have to steal as many gems as you can from an adult’s hoard and give it to the rest of your pals if you want to become one of them,” added Brimrock. Thanks for the info... Wait, I have to do WHAT?!!!

“Alright, any suggestions?” I said, forcing myself to grin and sound confident.

“Yeah, bring us emeralds,” said Caedmon, “I love emeralds.”

“Don’t listen to him,” said Krug, “rubies are better than emeralds.”

The four of them argued about which kind of gems should I steal for a few minutes.

“Hm... I meant suggestions about how and where to steal, not WHAT to steal,” I told them when they remembered why they were shouting at each other.

“You could have said that earlier!” Krug exclaimed, punching me in the shoulder to emphasize his point. Hey, that hurts! “Choose a hoard that isn’t too far away from here, we don’t have all day. Let us know which one you chose before going in there so we can tell you anything important. We don’t want you stealing from our parents or going straight into the cave of the most dangerous dragon around.”

I looked around and pointed at the nearest cave.

“What about that one?” I asked.

“I don’t know if any dragon lives there,” said Caedmon, and the rest nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, get in there and bring us some sapphires,” added Krug.

“I thought you had decided that you wanted diamonds,” I replied, wanting to create havoc (pun totally intended) in the group again.

“Oh Tartarus no, I’m not having this shit again!” exclaimed Krug, “bring whatever you want, but do it now!”

“Alright, alright, I was just kidding! Wait for me where Caedmon met me, you remember the place, right?”

“Of course I remember,” said Caedmon with arrogance, “we’ll be there.”

I flew towards the cave alone, considering my possibilities. I had decided that I wanted to join the teen dragon’s gang for the time being, so leaving was out of question. I could try to kill the dragon, but then they would discover my true nature and either fight or scorn me. Furthermore, the first dragon I fought could have killed me if Drogur hadn’t been there, so I wasn’t eager to try again. The cave’s entrance was so big I could probably fly inside with ease, but the deep claw marks on the walls showed that its owner found it rather narrow and probably had troubles to get in and out. Good, that means he won’t be able to pursue me if I leave the cave. I sneaked in, trying not to make any noise, and turned into snake as soon as I was sure no one could see me. As I slithered deeper into the dark cave, I could almost hear the typical music that sounds when cartoon characters are trying to be sneaky. Being a snake, I could move faster without making noises, so soon I reached the hoard. My jaw hit the floor (which isn’t hard when you are a snake, but you know what I meant) when I saw it. OH GOD IT’S HUGE. I had never seen a pile of treasure so enormous, it was so large it would probably fill two Olympic-sized swimming pools to the brim. A pink female dragon slept on the gargantuan mountain of gems. I knew the dragon was a she the moment I saw her, as her body was more stylized and her face had the usual feminine look female furries have in furry porn. Great, now my brain is being overflowed by all the furry porn I have ever seen, which seems to be a lot.

This might take a while...
…

Oh god what the fuck is that, I can’t unsee it!

…

Megusta

…

Alright, those last 300 images were hot.

…

Seeing pictures which I may have fap to previously and I don’t remember now is creeping me out.

…

Why is anthro Fluttershy always drawn with huge boobs? I mean, I like generous cleavages like every-AHH! WHAT IN THE NAME OF YOG-SOTHOTH POSSESED ME TO VISIT BAD DRAGON!!!

…

Şo.͜.. ̶m͢uch.̕.. ͢Yi̴ff͡ing͞.̡.҉.̶ ̡S͟o̕.͝.̴.͟ ̡ma̶ny̶.͏.͠. di̢ld̢os.̸.̢.̢

…

M̨A҉̵̸͝Ķ̀͢͢E͠҉ ̛͜Į̴͢͡T̴̕ ̴S͡͞T̸͟͜͡͝Ò̢P̴̨!̧̕͡ ̨̡̛O̶͏H̶̷̨͜ ̷̷̷̸G̶̨̛͡O͞͏D̵̵̡̕ ̷̢͘͜͟M̴̡̛À̴̢́K̷̶É̶̛̕̕ ҉̷̧́I̧͏T̕͠͏̀ ͏̴S̴͟T̶̸͠͞O̡͞͡͞P̨̀!̧͜͝͠!̷̶̷͘͟!̛

…

...

…

Alright, it seems to be over. I swear that, if I ever return home, I will destroy furaffinity somehow.

Where was I? Ah, yes, the pink dragoness.

The female dragon was sleeping on the hoard, so any sudden noise may wake her up. Hm... I can’t carry gems as a snake, I will need to change but... Which form will be the best? When I’m dragon I can smell diamond dogs from a great distance, so my smell might wake her up. The ent form is too clumsy and I will probably drop something and make a lot of noise... Dragon or draconequus? Hm... I decided to turn into draconequus, so I would be able to levitate the gems instead of grabbing them by myself. I extended my right hand and took the gems one by one with my magic. I had to be very careful, as taking the wrong gem might cause a small avalanche that would wake up the dragoness. This is a piece of cake! The same moment I thought that, I accidentally made a car-sized cake appear above the dragoness’ head. OH SHIT!!! I still don’t know why that happened, maybe because I had not been chaotic enough the last hours, or because chaos magic isn’t meant to be used for something so precise and non-chaotic and it reacted with violence when I first thought about something unrelated to what I was doing. Whatever caused it, the thing is that the cake woke up the dragoness.

“WHO DARES TO TRESPASS MY LAIR AND...” she drifted off when she saw the remains of the cake. She tentatively licked it off her face. “Wat.”

When she noticed me, I had already returned every gem to its original location, but I was too slow to also change form before she saw me.

“What are you, why are you here and why did you throw a cake to my face?” she asked coldly, “if you answer right you may leave in one piece.”

Notto disu shitto agen...

“I am the millenium wisher. When a living being becomes one thousand years old I meet him and give him or her a cake and a wish.” She stared at me for a few seconds before faceclawing.

“Make me another cake and I will give you a chance to try again.”

I gulped and did as she said. She took the marvelous, huge, delicious cake and she gulped it down in one go. As soon as she did, the cake exploded in a burst of fire fighting foam.

“What?!” she gurgled, or I think she said that as I couldn’t understand her with her mouth spitting foam.

“You should know by now that the cake is a lie!” I shouted as I levitated a considerable amount of gems into my arms and flew away. I turned into dragon midair, managing not to drop all the gems when my arms changed size, and continued flying. I didn’t dare to look back, but I could hear her crawling behind me. I heard retching noises, and I wondered how much time I had before she could roast me with her fire. I was about to reach the entrance when the first fireball roared over my head, scorching my head spikes. I glanced back just in time to see the next fireball and dodge it, then I left the cave and flew upwards so she couldn’t attack me. I continued my ascension, deciding to hide in the volcanic smoke that covered the skies.
The smoke smelled like rotten eggs and I started to cough violently the moment I inhaled it. Something told me I would pass out in a few minutes if I kept breathing the toxic smoke, so I changed to draconequus so I could breath magic instead of air. My own magic reserves are a poor substitute of real respiration, as I always feel like I’m about to drown and I have to fight the urge of inhaling, but it proved to be essential for my survival.
I heard something big flying upwards and crossing the smoke behind me.

“You are so dead!” shouted the pink dragoness from above, I guessed she was flying above the smoke to avoid breathing it.

A few seconds later she dived, passing uncomfortably close to me. She crossed the volcanic clouds several times, but she was noisy and I could move away from the point she would cross with a lot of time.
My frog leg began to irk badly after a minute of exposure to the volcanic smoke, so I also had to protect it with magic. I spent around twenty minutes in the clouds, in which I had to protect more and more parts of my body of the smoke’s effects while avoiding detection. When the only part of my body that wasn’t covered by a magic field was my dragon wing I decided it was enough, so I turned back to dragon and left the clouds just as the dragoness reached the upper zone. I flew as fast as I could towards the ground, trying to find a hiding spot before the pink dragoness spotted me. I landed on a small mountain close to the dragoness cave and hid behind a group of rocks. I remembered my tendency to turn into a bloodthirsty beast when I was immobile for a long time, so I hid the gems under a few rocks and changed to snake. I could see the pink dragoness still looking for me in the clouds as I slithered around. When will she surrender? I didn’t even steal that much... Wait, if she’s up there and I’m down here... Who is watching her hoard?!
I changed into owl and flew straight to her cave. Two minutes later I left carrying a huge amount of gems in my dragon form. I gazed up and found that the dragoness was STILL searching in the clouds. I would facepalm if I had my hands free. I couldn’t fly without dropping some of the gems, so I just ran towards my destination. It would have taken me hours to reach the meeting point walking, so I hid the gems with the others and flew there. I found my mates swimming in the lava river while they waited for me. Gehenna spotted me and signaled it to the others, so when I arrived they were already frowning.

“Where are the gems?” asked Krug.

“I couldn’t fly while carrying them, I have hidden them under some rocks, follow me.”

“So... What happened?” asked Caedmon, “it took you some time.”

“Yeah, I had some troubles, if you see an angry pink dragoness flying around, you don’t know me.”

The pink dragoness was no longer around when we reached the hiding spot. Fortunately, the gems were still intact under the cover of rocks.

“Well, what do you guys think?” I asked, trying to sound as smug as possible as they stared at my booty with their mouths agape.

“Wow,” said Brimrock after a few too many seconds of silence.