After two days of trying, I discovered how to access hammerspace. I had to both will it to happen for my magic to act, but I also had to follow a series of rules, most of them based on the rule of fun and cartoon physics and antics. I had to hide the object behind my back for it to disappear, and nothing would happen if anyone (including myself) could see the object disappear. I could only store hammers and stupid devices in there, so I had asked Drogur for a warhammer made with the bones of Thuryol instead of the sword I had in mind. He had accepted after I taught him how to play chess, a game he loved the moment he learned about it.

Yes, everything was going fine for me. That is, until that day, two weeks after the fight with the dragon...

It was a normal day, I woke up, had breakfast and went to work. Then something new happened.

“We have new pony slave,” Goozar told me, “big unicorn, maybe strong magic. That one.”

He pointed at a grey coated unicorn with a ruffled, white mane and red eyes. No way. His cutie mark was a pitch black circle. No fucking way. He had Prince Blueblood’s body build. That faggot has found me.

“Good, let’s work.” I must kill him as soon as possible.

The rest of the day was normal. I didn’t see Black Hole, and he didn’t draw attention upon himself. I finished my work quickly and went to Drogur’s before dinner.

“What do you want, Balto? I am busy,” he said when he opened the door.

“We are in danger. One of my enemies has found me.”

“Well, that is your problem, isn’t it? Take him out of my warren and kill him without breaking anything.”

“You won’t help me?” After I risked my skin fighting that dragon.

“Look, Balto. I may already have angered immortal deities and unspeakably terrible beings just by letting you live here. I don’t want to risk everything I have worked for by helping you beat your enemies,” he seemed to genuinely care for me, even if he wasn’t willing to move a finger to help me.

“I understand.”

“With that said, there is a way I can indirectly help you,” he moved his right arm and grabbed something, “your weapon is ready.”

He handed it to me. It was just a dragon bone with leather wrapped around the lower section for extra grip.

“It is... Very shitty,” I said, as I had something cooler in mind.

“No, it’s not. Dragon bones are almost indestructible, they are almost harder than our teeth. That is why ponies pay us so much for dragon bone powder. We can just gnaw at them instead of using lots of magic or enhanced diamonds or whatever they use to grind them.”

“Well, if you say so...” Never look a gift horse in the mouth, accept it and shut up! “Am I supposed to give it a name or something?”

“Why the fuck would you do such a stupid thing? Moreover, what kind of... That word you said once,” he said, looking at me expectantly.

“Faggot,” I supplied.

“What kind of faggot names his own weapons?” … Me?

“Well, thanks for the hammer. I think I know who I should hit first with it.” I’m so going to crush that Mary Sue’s head with this hammer... Fucking Drogur, now I will always call this hammer “hammer” instead of something epic because of what he said.

“Good luck, don’t break anything!”

I decided that the best way to fight Black Hole without causing casualties or revealing myself was to assign him to the farming group outside the warren the next morning, escort him myself and kill him before arriving to our destination. That is, if I CAN beat him.

Sleep eluded me for the first hour, as I was too worried about the upcoming fight.

A painfully high noise woke me up, a noise that came from the “slaves rioting whistle”, that I knew because Drogur had used it on my initiation ceremony so I could recognise it. I KNOW that Black Hole has something to do with this. I got up, took the cheap spear Goozar gave me once “just in case slaves want you dead” and left my house. The rest of the pack was already beginning to form a circle. I heard a powerful shout coming from the buildings’ zone, that remembered me of the Royal Canterlot voice.

“THEY WILL NOT FORCE US!” the voice was somehow accompanied by music. Muse again? I hate him SO much.

We closed the circle around the zone. I expected to see some of the slaves, or signs of their violent rioting, but I found none of it.

“THEY WILL STOP DEGRADING US!”

Soon we were all surrounding the Great Hall, which was the source of the shouting/singing.

“THEY WILL NOT CONTROL US!”

None of us dared to open the door, as we expected the slaves to attack whoever did it first.

“WE WILL BE VICTORIOUS!”

The Beta walked to the door, carrying two humongous red dragonscale swords, and opened it with a powerful kick. We all charged behind him, but soon we found ourselves charging against thin air, as the Great Hall was empty, save for a grey coated unicorn that was waiting for us on the Alpha’s seat.

“NOW, ATTACK!” he shouted with the Royal Caps Lock. Oh shit, now we are surrounded by them!

We formed a circle, aiming our lances outward to protect ourselves from the impending charge. We were in total silence, the music having stopped when we entered the building, the only thing we heard was our own agitated breathing. Then we heard the hoofsteps of a single pony. An old unicorn, the slaves’ mayor, peeked through the Great Hall’s destroyed door.

“For the last time!” he shouted, “We are not doing an uprising! Stop acting as if we were with you before we get punished for your madness!”

… LOL

His statement was followed by a thunder of laughter coming from us. When I stopped laughing, I noticed the dark expression on Black Hole’s face. He mad.

“YOU WILL ALL PAY FOR THIS!” he hollered, his body growing as he turned back to his original form. Shit, he mad!

“I know you are hiding somewhere, Havoc!” he added, his voice normal this time, “I will destroy you, then I will release the slaves!”

His horn was surrounded by a pitch black darkness that sucked the surrounding light, instead of gleaming like normal horns did, as he charged a spell. It was released as a wave of energy that broke my transformation as soon as it hit me. I also noticed a dog on my left turning into a changeling. He looked surprised for a second and then flew off to hide somewhere. It was so random that even Black Hole lost his focus and stared at the flying insectoid, mouth agape, giving me a chance to attack first. I dropped my spear and jumped towards him, grabbing his horn with one hand and his neck with the other. I tried to break his neck, but his horn began charging energy and I had to release it to avoid losing my hand.

“This is our fight, not theirs!” I said as I tried to gouge his eyes out, “if we fight here we might hurt or kill innocents, so let me kill you before that happens!”

I managed to hold his left horn, (yeah, he had two curved, demon horns as well as his normal unicorn horn (just in case anyone forgot (if there's anyone listening to this at all (I should stop doing this)))) but when I tried to hold his right one with my other hand he bit me. His sharp teeth sunk into the bark of my ent arm so deep he couldn’t free himself. I put him between the pack and myself.

“What are you waiting for?! He wanted to kill you all! Kill him!” I told them.

The Beta threw a spear to Black Hole, and soon the others followed his example. He created a barrier to protect himself from the attacks while trying to free himself. I poured magic into my right arm to make it stronger and broke his left horn, which vanished into black mist. Unfortunately, that allowed him to free himself and fly away from me. He launched a barrage of black projectiles towards me while flying around. I tried to block them with a barrier, but they crossed it like it didn’t exist and I got hit by all of them. The moment they made contact with my skin, my body was set ablaze in black fire. The pain was unbearable, so I turned into dragon. My fireproof scales were damaged by the dark fire before it went out, which was surprising as dragons took lava baths, but it was nothing compared to what my main body was suffering. I tried to access his mind to manipulate his sight, but he somehow forced me out with magic. That distracted me and allowed him to buck me in the face, breaking my nose. I changed back to draconequus and flew after him, trying to hit him with explosive chocolate milk glasses. Black Hole was too strange to find that illogical, but the diamond dogs weren’t, so I could feed back on the chaos I caused as long as they witnessed our fight.

With so many dogs being “trolled” by my strange attacks I will never run out of energy, I can’t lose this battle.

He seemed to reach the same conclusion I did, because he broke through the building’s roof. I tried to catch him, but he was a faster flyer, so I teleported in front of him with my hammer already raised. I missed, as he teleported just before I crushed his skull. I turned around out of instinct and used the hammer to stop him just before he impaled me with his horns. He flew back before I could counterattack and fired black projectiles again. I had an insane amount of energy stored, so I stored the hammer by putting it on my back and healed the burns the previous projectiles had given me. He changed tactics and pulled me down with his gravitational magic, making flight impossible for me. I managed to stay airborne by holding my body with my own magic to counter his. I threw pies filled with acid at him, combined with old-fashioned fireballs. We kept on firing at each other and dodging for many minutes, neither of us showing signs of fatigue. At last, a pie hit him in a wing, dissolving his feathers and forcing him to land. I tried to come closer, but his magic pulled me away from him with great power. I crashed into a building, which unfortunately was the blacksmith. I was stopped when I hit my head against the anvil and many pointy weapons fell on me, some of them managing to pierce my skin. I pulled them out and ran towards my enemy. My sprint soon turned into a crawl as his gravitational magic pulled me away, making me feeling like I was climbing a wall while carrying a bag full of rocks. When I was three meters away from him, he changed the gravity so it would pull me towards him and, at the same time, he lunged at me. His two remaining horns were deeply inserted in my abdomen before I could do anything to stop him. Then, he charged his horn and released the energy inside of me, slicing me in two horizontally.

I changed to snake before I could even feel the pain of being bisected and bit him in the face. I poured a lot of magic into the venom I had injected in his body to make it much more lethal, then I changed to dragon and flew away before he could hit me again. My magic reserves were severely reduced when I healed my main body, but I still had as much as when I fought Thuryol. I saw that Black Hole was now lying on the floor, his horn charged with so much magic that I couldn’t see his face under the veil of darkness he had created. I landed and changed to cheetah, then I sprinted as fast as I could towards him. His horn stopped glowing and he slowly rose up, his legs shaking slightly. He turned his heads just as I changed into bull and rammed into his side with all the momentum I had gathered. The impact wasn’t strong enough to kill him, but it did break his spine, as well as many other bones, and injured my neck. His horn swallowed the light again, this time making me feel blind if I looked at it. I tried to kill him before he finished his spell, but the impact had stunned me and I reacted too slowly. I had only managed to pull my horns out of his body when he threw me backwards with the Royal Canterlot Voice.

“BEHOLD MY FINAL FORM!” he shouted.

((AN: I swear I wrote this BEFORE I knew about King Sombra’s powers.))

I looked at him, feeling a bit of trepidation. His body was pitch black now, not just his fur, but everything. I could no longer distinguish his eyes or his mouth, he was just a pony-shaped lack of light. That’s so Mary Sueish and faggish that it is even scary, but I still can beat him... I hope. I charged my ent arm with magic, making it glow with a golden light. I will settle this with a decisive strike, like they always do in animes. His horn also started charging a few moments later.
I started a punching movement to release the energy in my hand as a solid magic fist. He fired a black (of course) energy beam to stop my attack, but I was no longer in front of him. I had teleported behind him the moment he released his attack and, before he could move, I introduced my left arm up to the shoulder up his ass as brutally as I could.

“HOW DARE YOU-” he began shouting, but I interrupted him when I did the same he had done to me before and released the energy I had stored in my fist. His body literally exploded, covering the surrounding area in black blood and gore, which slowly vanished into a black mist.

Is he dead yet? Hm... No, he isn’t! I felt magic and found it came from Black Hole’s severed head. He was probably trying to heal his body, so I changed into diamond dog and bit his horn. I had to use all the power of my strong jaw bones, but I managed to break it. Black Hole tried to scream, but he had no lungs so he only opened his mouth wide until he passed out. I won? I won! At last I won against someone!

It took me a moment to realize that a good portion of the warren’s buildings were burning with either black or normal fire. Uh oh, I have to put those off, but then this fag might revive and escape somehow! What do I do? … First things first! I pulled the hammer from my back and smashed Black Hole’s face until his head was a just a bloody pulp. The noises it made would have made me sick when I was human, but I must admit I found them almost orgasmic. The black fire disappeared as the remains of his head turned into a black mist.. Well, that makes everything easier... Now to get rid of the fires, Discord style. I summoned a green wasabi cloud that covered the whole cave and rained piña colada until all the fires were put off. In the meanwhile, I went back to the Great Hall, where Drogur, Borduk the Beta and a few soldiers were already waiting for me. The soldiers pointed at me with their spears, but a gesture from Drogur made them lower their weapons. Wait, where was he while I fought that stupid OC?

“Such a pity I couldn't help you," Drogur said, "that thing you killed started many nasty fires and I spent the whole time saving dogs and slaves, at least the magic fire died with him... What is this thing raining on us?”.

“Rum, coconut cream and pineapple juice, don't ask why. Any casualties?” I asked.

“A few nasty burns, but no deaths,” he replied, then he smiled with sadness, “come with me, I want to speak to you in private.”

He put Borduk in charge until he returned and he led me out of the cave, not saying a single word until we were out in the open.

“You have to leave Granite Back,” he stated, “I’m sure you understand why.” I think he’s trying to sound solemn, but being soaked in piña colada kills the mood. Wait, leaving?

“Well, now everyone knows I’m not a diamond dog, but do I really have to?” I love living here! It kinda feels like home!

“Yes, you must. If that thing could find you, so can anything else that wants a piece of you. I can’t have you battling to the death with other abominations every week in my warren. Find a way to make peace with them, or kill them all, then feel free to come back. The dogs won’t question it twice if I say you belong to the pack, even if you are a draconequus."

“...Will you at least tell me how you do magic?” I had to try, didn’t I?

“Of course I will NOT,” his grin was suspiciously similar to a trollface.

“Then there is nothing else to say,” don’t cry, “until we meet again.” Don’t fucking cry.

I turned to dragon and flew away, managing not to cry. In fact, after five minutes I didn’t even feel sad. Yes, I had enjoyed living in Granite Back, and Drogur was sort of cool, but by staying there I had reduced my chances of returning home to zero. I will find a way back to Earth, whatever it takes. But... How do I start? I don’t think I can beat Screwball yet, so returning to Equestria could be dangerous... Where else can I go? Another diamond dog warren might give me more chaos energy, but I’m tired of furries... I can’t change into griffin so they are out of question... What about dragons? It could be fun. Dangerous, but fun! Yes, I thought that in Pipsqueak’s voice. Yeah, let’s try dragons. It will be a nice change, from living underground to being a flying creature. Killing them also gives me huge amounts of energy, so it will also help me become strong enough to defeat Screwball if I get into a few fights. Now... Where do I find dragons?

The universe, maybe as a way to pay me back for all the dirty tricks it had pulled on me, made me bump into a flying dragon just as I thought that... Yes, I might have been flying in a straight line without really minding my trajectory. That is why I was such a danger behind the wheel...

…

Great, now I also remember everything in my life related to driving.

Imagine my surprise when I realized that the dragon that was facing me was Crackle, or at least a dragon related to him. How is this freaking dragon flying with such small wings! It’s just impossible! I also noticed that he was frowning at me.

“Uh... Sorry for that, I was distracted,” I said sheepishly.

He shrugged (don’t ask how he did it) and continued flying. I followed him, as he would probably lead me to more dragons. He didn’t seem to mind, so I didn’t bother explaining why I was following him. It was a bit awkward, but I didn’t complain, as I was too busy trying to understand how the dragon was flying. His wings are releasing some sort of magic... Well, that explains it, sort of. After an hour I remembered that I was VERY tired, as I had been woken up in the middle of the night, fought against Black Hole and left Granite Back and it still was nighttime. The dragon, who I will call Crackle 2 from now on, didn’t seem to be aware of my presence, so I turned to owl, landed on his back, turned to snake and coiled myself around one of his spikes, making sure he was still oblivious to my presence. I think this is one of the weirdest things I have ever done. Crackle 2’s body was warm and comfortable enough for my snake body so soon I fell asleep.