Be a Human Day

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fanfiction by Andrew J Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

••••••••••

There are days in this colorful pony dominated world of magic I ask myself “Why didn’t I just become a layabout?”

I mean, helping to save Equestria from Nightmare Moon, Discord, AND Chrysalis got me a knighthood and a nice stipend. More than enough for my small house and the rest of my living expenses. I literally didn’t need to work if I didn’t want to!

The simple truth is though, when I try to imagine myself sitting somewhere on a beach with nothing to do? I see my head exploding after about five minutes. I probably ought to get a hobby, but… the few I’d be interested in aren’t really viable here.

I mean, I do shoot guns, work out, and read a lot, but most of that ends up being related to my job. In this case, as Royal Military Advisor to the Diarchy of Equestria (I need business cards, stat), I had gone on a week long review of the city of Manehattan and its defenses. As well as a brand spanking new military airship.

Most of that involved wandering around with an entourage of very serious looking ponies. With me asking lots of questions that seemed common sense, but almost never failed to blow their minds.

Like, “don’t you have ear protection for the gun crews?”

“What?”

“Ear protectio- are you being funny?”

Everyone’s a wise guy.

I know, I know. They’re herbivores, but still. You’d think some basics wouldn’t need pointing out!

Then again, I try to imagine how prepared any human military would be after a thousand years of peace… And I realize that we’d probably be just as bad.

Like, “Season 1 of The Next Generation Starfleet” bad. Complete with shitty pajama-like uniforms. At least they have healing spells as an excuse.

Anyway, I’d finally finished my observations, written up my reports, and gotten on the first train back to Ponyville. I had been exhausted, but sleeping on anything moving has always been an impossibility for me. Planes, trains, or automobiles, it didn’t matter: I just couldn’t relax enough to sleep when I’m moving. So when I finally got back to Ponyville, I was basically the walking dead. I’d wandered the street lamp lit streets, slowly making my way home.

If anyone had greeted me or said anything, I sure as hell didn’t register it. My brain was essentially set on autopilot. I managed to close the door, pull off most of my clothes, and dive into bed.

My body was finally getting what it desperately needed, and if I had dreams, Luna must have been kind enough for me not to remember them.

Apparently she pulls all sorts of Inception-like tricks to be able to spend as long as she needs in every dream. Honestly, it’s a wonder she didn’t go crazier sooner.

I wasn’t complaining though. I got the kind of sleep you sometimes feel the need to brag about: You pressed your face so hard into the covers it left marks, you aren’t even a little groggy, and you don’t even struggle to get up. I had a smile on my face as I stretched, and even the sunlight coming through the blinds wasn’t irritating.

I should have smelled eggs and bacon in an ideal world. Even Equestria isn’t that perfect though.

Oh well. I got up and made my way to my bathroom. A quick shower, brushing my teeth, and getting dressed, and I headed for the kitchen. Coffee, I needed coffee...

Knock Knock

Ponies are really good at knocking. They don’t have door knockers. What would be the point?

I sighed. Did I have enough time to make coffee before they knocked again?

Knock Knock

Nope. I grumbled and headed to the front door. I turned the handle, and pulled it open.

“Yes, can I…” And any further words died in my throat.

I like to think I’m pretty hard to surprise after all the things I’ve seen here. I’m always proved wrong sooner or later, but I suppose that’s the nature of surprises.

“Letters for you!”

I was not expecting a naked woman with a mail bag. A naked woman with gray wings, blonde hair, fair skin, and yellow eyes that were looking in opposite directions. She was built slim, with C-cup breasts high on her chest. Her hips were fairly wide though, and her belly was just a tiny bit saggy- Due to her being a mother, some small part of my brain was able to relate.

“D-ditzy Doo?” I managed. The woman beamed, tilting her head adorably as she flapped her wings. It did very nice things to the rest of her anatomy, which my eyes stubbornly refused to part from.

“Of course, who else would have your mail?” She smiled, holding it out. I didn’t take it. She leaned over and poked me in the stomach with the envelopes.

I managed to take them, somehow. I hadn’t seen a human for a very long time. A naked woman in… I don’t even want to think about how long.

“Oh! Right!” Ditzy said cheerfully. She spun around on one foot, her wings flapping. “How do I look?”

“Huh?” I managed. Her cutie mark was emblazoned across her very toned ass, both cheeks.

“As a human, I mean!” she inquired. She looked innocently curious, like we were just talking about the weather.

“Lovely. Thanks for the mail,” I said stiffly. Yes, in every way that means, you perverts.

“Aw, thanks!” she hopped up and wrapped me in a tight, happy hug. Ponies tend to be very, very physically affectionate, and Ditzy was no exception. Sometimes it could be annoying, but being the only one of your kind on an alien planet can get lonely. So I don’t mind it nearly as much as I might express it outloud.

But a hug from a cute magic pegasus is… Very different from a hug from a naked woman.

She backed out of the hug and stretched out her limbs, looking at them. “I kinda like being human. Not sure I’d want to do it all the time. Four legs are much more stable-” she raised one leg and immediately stumbled, twisting and falling back towards me. “Ooops!”

I caught her from behind, and she looked up into my face. “See what I mean?”

Supporting her weight with one arm wrapped around her torso, and one hand under a breast, I looked into her eyes. “Yes, I can see that might be difficult to adjust to. Do be careful.”

Ditzy laughed, and waved her hand.

“Everypony always tells me that!” She said cheerfully. “Hope you enjoy the rest of ‘Be a Human’ Day! I’ve got more mail to deliver.”

“What?” I asked, low and deadly. She didn’t seem to notice my change in tone.

Ditzy beamed happily at me.

“Be a Human Day! It’s a holiday the mayor just declared! And anypony who wanted to try it, got transformed!” She explained.

“I- what?” I couldn’t even decide where to start with the questions.

“Really must go. I’m slower as a human. Especially with the two leggedness.”

I let her go reluctantly. I needed information. Right.

She readjusted her mailbag, and took off, doing more incredible things to her anatomy. “See you tomorrow, Shepherd!”

I didn’t know what was going on, but there could only be one pony responsible for this.

“Twilight Sparkle,” I growled.

Okay, yes, I liked the neurotic friendship princess. But pulling this kind of shit on me? Without telling me?!

Across the street, I saw a large, portly, hairy man emerge… without a stitch of clothing. He bent down to pick up his newspaper, and saw me. He stood up and waved his hand with a cheerful smile, framed by his beard! Which did unfortunate things to other parts of his anatomy.

“Morning Shepherd! Nice to see you again!” My neighbor, Walter, called out.

“Morning.” I said robotically, returning the wave.

“Gotta tell ya, bowling has never been easier with these hands! And uh-What do you call these little doo dads?” He wriggled his fingers.

“Fingers. I’ve always found them useful. Be a Human Day, right?” I asked.

“Yeah, it’s a lot of fun, so far. Hope we get to do this every year.” He began stroking his beard. “Man… That is so satisfying!”

“Glad you’re enjoying it,” I stated in as clipped a tone as I could do without being rude. “You’ll have to excuse me. I gotta go-”

“Thank Princess Twilight? It was her idea, after all!” Walter said.

“Yes. She needs a lot of thanks,” I replied, my suspicions now confirmed.

Walter grinned and winked.

“Well, hope you two enjoy it!” He called with a wave. “She looked mighty pretty in human form!”

“I’m sure,” I growled, stalking down the street. Coffee, and breakfast, could wait.

I didn’t need caffeine after a wake up call like this anyway.

••••••••••

I wanted to dramatically throw open the doors and storm in with a dramatic shout. And since Princess Twilight didn’t keep guards that would frown upon that sort of thing, I did.

“TWIIIIILIGHT!” I bellowed, my angry voice echoing down the tall, crystalline hallways. “GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE!”

A woman walked out into the hallway. Naked, with a rear that jiggled deliciously with every step and modest but nicely shaped breasts on her chest. Her purple and cyan hair waved behind her, as she strode casually towards me.

“You bellowed, Shepherd?” Starlight Glimmer, apprentice to Twilight Sparkle and formerly an insane villain, asked dryly. I glowered.

My relationship with Starlight Glimmer has always been… Difficult.

The mare I had traded many verbal and physical blows with may not have been my enemy anymore. She may have been incredibly hot as a human, too. A friend, this did not make.

Thankfully, the ongoing animosity made it easier to ignore… all her attributes.

“I did. Where’s Twilight? I need to talk to her about this Human Day nonsense.” I explained.

“She’s out and about, helping with more transformations and activities,” Starlight replied. She crossed her arms under her chest, and leaned a bit to accentuate the attributes I was trying to ignore. She was a fast learner, so I can only assume she’d figured out this made her look hotter. I sucked in a deep breath.

“Of course she is,” I grumbled. “I don’t suppose you could point me in the right direction?”

Starlight smirked. “Hm. I don’t know,” she said, almost playfully. “What incentive do I have for you to spoil her fun?”

“Her fun? She never ran this by me! I found out when Ditzy Doo fell into me this morning!” I shouted.

“Lucky boy,” she shrugged. “I suggested she might want to mention it, but you know what she’s like. I also think Pinkie wanted it to be a surprise?”

Of course Pinkie would have a hoof in it.

She leaned over a bit more, smirking dangerously. “Don’t you like surprises, Shepherd?” She simpered.

“Sure do,” I shot back, “sadly the fact you have daddy issues and small breasts comes as a surprise to no one.”

Starlight scowled, and stood up straight. She pushed her boobs up with her arms.

“They aren’t that small!” She growled. “I’ve checked!”

Wow, not a few hours as a human and she’s already defensive like one. Perhaps being too quick a learner can be a detriment at times.

I brushed her poor retort off. “So can you tell me where Twilight is or not?”

“Seriously?” Starlight asked in disbelief. “She goes to ALL this trouble, just for you, and you want to end it?”

“I had to see Granny Smith naked!” I shouted. The image was seared into my brain, making my eye twitch as I relived it. “It’s creepy, and weird, and she didn’t ask my permission!”

“Since when has she needed your permission to do anything?” Starlight demanded. “She’s a princess! You’re her knight!”

“Fine, my input then! Has Pinkie ever insisted on a party you’d just rather not have?”

This made Starlight pause. Everyone’s been the victim of a Pinkie party at an inconvenient time. She means well. She only wants to make people-er, ponies-happy. But at times she can go overboard.

“Okay,” Starlight said slowly, “I can understand that. But still,” she said, “isn’t there anything that can make this experience…” She licked her lips. “Better?”

I stared intensely at her. She gave me a shy little smile, and rolled her hips around.

“Do you actually want to jump me, or is this some effect of being human?” I asked, one eyebrow raised, as I studied her.

I’d gotten a lot more direct in the time I’d spent here.

“I don’t know, you tell me,” Starlight stated. She practically slunk up to me, pressing her shoulder up against mine. She was still quite shorter than me as a human- Not as much as a pony, but I was still much bigger. I rolled my eyes.

I snorted. “You’re not nearly as seductive as a human as you think you are.”

She hesitated a moment, but continued. “You could teach me. Hands on?”

“Yeah I think I’d better go,” I stated, turning to stalk out the doors. She wrapped her arms around my arm.

“Wait! Wait, I was being serious!” She cried.

“So was I.” I slid her arms off me and walked out the doors. This would be a problem for future Shepard to deal with. Present Shepard needed to find Twilight.

The doors slammed shut. Oh right. She still had her magic telekinesis. I turned and glared at her. She offered a small smile.

“Come on,” she said, “surely there’s something you’d like to do… With me?” She tilted her head, and turned around. She wiggled her bottom. “Or maybe even… to me?”

I was pissed. And unfortunately, also aroused. Goddamnit… Focus, focus!

I swung my hand and slapped her bottom. She yelped, and moaned. She looked over her shoulder, and smirked in triumph.

“That all you got?” She asked, leaning back and wriggling her bottom again.

I shook my head. “We’re both going to regret this. Maybe you won’t until you’re a pony again. I still think this is some effect of you being human.”

“It’s not like I’m drunk. You’re not taking advantage of me. Maybe we can channel our mutual antagonism into something fun for once. Spank me again, you know you want to.”

Parts of me really did want to.

Whack

“Hsss! Yes! Spank me, I deserve it!”

I didn’t, instead grabbing hold of her ass cheek, not gently, and pulled it to the side so I could see her pussy. It was shining with wetness. Maybe this wasn’t some odd side effect of the spell. Ditzy hadn’t thrown herself at me… well, she had, but not like this.

The idea Starlight Shimmer had been harboring carnal thoughts about me was both arousing and awkward, but with a handful of her ass, arousal was winning.

I wrapped my other arm around her shoulders, and pulled her tightly against me. I ground up against her nice, round ass, and she gasped in aroused surprise. I could smell her- A spicy, musky, yet sweet aroma.

She groaned, and my erection swelled against her in response.

“Ohhh… These pheromones… They’re incredible,” she murmured. She trembled. “Mmm… And this skin! It’s so sensitive…!”

It seemed like a cue for me to run my hands all over her body. And I did. Oh God, smooth, perfect skin. Warm and trembling and bare, and every sound she made from my touches filled up something long empty inside me.

I yanked her up, and threw her over my shoulder. Her squeal was very satisfying, as I marched into the nearby Cutie Map room.

I probably wasn’t thinking that straight myself, given the sudden flood of human pheromones, but I’d worry about that later.

I planted Starlight facedown on the table, and she shivered.

“Cold!” She protested. I yanked off my pants and boxers, and tossed aside my shirt before I pounced on her, pinning her body tightly onto the table from behind. She yelped, as I rubbed my rock hard cock up against her dripping wet entrance.

She tried to lift herself up, but I pinned her down by her shoulders. She trembled again, not in cold, and pushed her hips up invitingly. I gave her another slap across her buttocks and she crooned.

“Stop teasing!” She hissed.

“Maybe I just like making you suffer,” I taunted back.

“Maybe we’ve both gone without for way too long and you should just buck me already you stupid ape!” Starlight growled. I spanked her even harder for that, and she moaned in a mixture of bliss and impatience.

Well, when she’s right, she’s right.

I slammed into the first piece of human pussy I’ve gotten in years, and it is glorious. Warm, wet, and squeezing around me. Contracting hard, many times, as Starlight squeals and soaks the table in her juices. I’m feeling a bit light headed, but lucid enough to smirk.

She’d just orgasmed. I did that. I made her cum on the first thrust.

Which is about the last coherent thought I had before I pulled all the way out, save the tip, and rammed back in. Again, and again, and again, I pounded away like I was raping this bitchy former unicorn. And she ate it up, pushing her bouncy ass back to slam into my hips as my balls slapped against her clit on every entry.

I reached up and yanked her hair back, making sure her cries echoed loud and clear through the castle as I abused her scalp. She shrieked loudly, our rutting so loud the lewd, squishy sounds were bouncing off every wall.

The Cutie Mark Table shook as I gave it my all, ramming deep into her without the slightest concern for her pleasure or well being. I added hard slaps to her cutie mark-branded buttocks, turning her cheeks red as Starlight screamed in bliss. I felt her squeeze around me like a fist as another gush of juices rained down onto the floor and table in equal measure. She gasped desperately, now only letting out short, choked cries as her pussy choked on my cock.

That word seemed to trigger an impulse-A savage one. I reached up and squeezed her throat-Not too hard, just hard enough to cut off her air for a moment-And she gushed all over me again.

God she really was a complete freak. I leaned forward, the primal heat rushing through my veins, and I bit down on her shoulder, hard. I tasted the copper of her blood, and her cries of pain and pleasure rattled my eardrums.

It was too much. Just too damn much!

I erupted deep inside her, holding her tight against me by her throat and her pinned arms. I panted like a beast in her ear as I unloaded my seed into her belly-Three, four, five, six spurts.

The magic of Equestria sure seemed to do a number on plenty of my systems, but all good ones. Good enough to fill her womb to the brim, and make Starlight’s belly bulge slightly. I felt a primal growl rumbled up, and I let it out. She whimpered happily, as I slowly pulled out of her.

I let her go, and she flopped onto the table, panting softly. I caught my breath, and got my wits back.

Shit. I’d fucked Starlight Glimmer like she owed me money and an apology.

Both of which she did owe me.

But she was basically asking for it, in every sense of the phrase. Judging from the happy smile on her unconscious face, she wasn’t regretting it.

I guess I wasn’t either. Nope, no regret. I sighed.

Maybe in the land of girly magic ponies, you just have to become manlier to compensate.

I shook my head, and cleaned myself up as best I could. I pulled my clothes back on. I gave Starlight’s fine booty one last hard slap, enjoying the arousing jiggle it made and the soft moan from her sleeping form.

No. I’d bang her again later. I still had business with Twilight. And if this was a civic holiday? I knew where to really start.

Ponyville City Hall.

••••••••••

Author's Notes:

Written with help from a friend. If there is sufficient interest, I'll just keep going. Be warned though: The naked jokes have only just begun.

EDIT: HOLY CRAP! Top of the featured list in one day?! Wow! Well, I'll definitely be writing more of this. Stay tuned!