Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Gq8CWkpg4VgjugsvKgqP-J1oJQfz0CpCVgSjRNkOa3w/edit

I have to admit to feeling some amount of trepidation as we got closer to the strange trees. As we approached, the forest changed. Before, the trees were fairly sparse and loosely vegetated. Now they seemed to sprout everywhere, grow dozens of meters in size, and became covered from bottom to top with some kind of painful looking thorns.

“That doesn’t look so good,” Kat said when we were about fifteen meters away.

“Call for a halt,” I said.

Luna shot up into the air and screamed out, “HOLD POSITIONS!”

That made everybody but the elementals stop. Flo handled them by darting forward. As soon as she merged with the waters, they stopped. The fires finally got the hint and bared both of their weapons. They both watched the forest for any dangers. At the moment, it was still and eerily silent.

Luna landed next to me and Flo and Brook slid my way. Watcher joined me a moment later. “Thoughts?” I said.

“The forest reacted to us,” Brook said. She looked over to Felix, who had apparently snuck up next to me while my attention was on the others. “Did it do this to you?”

“Not that I was aware of. Everything seemed to be random. It was mostly inconveniencing, but never anything like this.” He looked my way with a suave looking grin. “But there’s no need to worry, my lady!” One of his hands started moving toward my shoulder.

Before it could sully me, Kat snatched it. “Don’t!” She yanked his paw forward, putting him off balance. “You!” One of her legs swept his and put him on the ground. “DARE!” One of her feet went to his chest and her paws pulled her crossbow up, pointing it directly at his head.

To his credit, he didn’t really look that impressed. “You done, honey?” he asked.

Kat shot a bolt straight into the ground next to his face. He flinched back in surprise, which made it easy for her to snatch all of his whiskers and slice them off with a knife. “Now I am done,” she said. “Don’t you ever touch my lady.”

“It gets awfully cold here at night. She might be interested in cuddling with a more fuzzy kitty like me!”

Kat sighed and looked up to me. “Can I kill him?”

“He’s Princess Gilda’s guest. That would be rude.”

She rolled her eyes and finally stepped away from him. As an afterthought, she leaned forward, reaching down. He offered his paw with a smile that disappeared when she grabbed the bolt in the ground, wrenching it up. “Shouldn’t forget this,” she said. Once she tucked it away, she stepped up to my side and wrapped an arm around one of mine. “So you want me and Cascade to go check it out, Navi?”

Felix finally sighed and got to his feet. He looked at me for a moment before thinking better of it and walking to stand next to Brook. Once his walk of shame was finished, I nodded. “Go. If you encounter any movement at all, return immediately. Stay within sight for now.”

Kat’s eyes turned blue and she lifted an arm out toward Brook. “I need you to take me, older sister,” Cascade said. “I promise it will be fun!”

“As you wish, little one,” Brook solemnly replied. “But shouldn’t we tell the others? It might be better if we all combined!”

“We need them to plug our holes here,” I said. Flo finally face-palmed.

“She’s right,” Cascade said. “It’s just you and me, sister. Are you ready?”

“Very well. But it’s been a while since I’ve done it like this. Be gentle.”

“What is wrong with you people?” Flo groaned.

“What do you mean, you—” Flo slapped me with a tendril of water before I could finish.

“You have something to say, sister?” Brook asked.

Flo sighed and said, “I will take Cascade. You lead our sisters. I’ll guide Nav’s command party.”

“With Cascade’s approval…”

“Fine by me,” she shrugged. “I think I might be a better fit anyway! Don’t you want me inside you, Flo?”

“Don’t you even start. Get over here.”

Nobody commented as Cascade finally merged with Flo.

Once Kat was free, she rolled her shoulders before saying, “I’m going to meet with Cascade. We’ll be in touch.” Her speech done, she ran off toward the front of the column.

When she was out of earshot, Felix rubbed his arm and asked, “Are all of your followers completely insane, or just the ones that are here?”

“Unfortunately, all of them. I tend to attract weird and broken people.”

“You should consider dumping them and hiring real muscle. Where in Tartarus did you even find that monster?”

“She was a slave assassin in Africa who was pretty much forced to kill in every way possible. I helped free her from that life.”

“That’s the very abbreviated version,” Flo said.

“Fair enough,” I replied with a shrug.

“See there?” Felix said. “That’s too much baggage! She’s a bad apple and you should nix her. You only want the kind of loyalty money can buy. That obsessive, psychotic stuff always backfires.”

“Tell me about it,” I sighed.

“I take offense to that,” Luna immediately said.

“Me too, mommy!” Taya shouted, stomping a hoof into the ground.

Aqua giggled in my head. “See there, Navi? I’m not alone!”

Shut up, at least Taya’s usually endearing. You’re just horrifying and mean!

“You know what? I’ll cop to that. I have handled things poorly, I know. What do you say to a fresh new start, Nav?”

Where you’ll get out of me entirely and I let you keep Celestia? You know I’m honest when I say you can keep her. I promise to retire immediately as soon as you ask.

“Don’t be silly. I’m open to negotiation on other things, though. You just have to be willing to give a little.”

Yeah, uh huh. And how much will you be giving? Her only response to that was a giggle.

Since there were a few seconds of silence, Felix finally snorted. “See there? I rest my case. Neither of them are even ashamed of it! And if I know my history right, and since I’ve been planning a heist in Canterlot I most definitely know my history right, our dear Princess Luna is a rapist.”

“I am princess no longer,” Luna said. “And I am many things. What I have done to Navarone haunts me eternally, though I know what I feel is only a fraction of what she does.”

“Yeah, so shut up about it,” I said. “We’re way the fuck off topic. Felix, stop being a twat or I’ll have you muzzled again.” He eyed my daughter, who was using her adorably cute innocent filly look on him. After a few seconds of that, he sighed and shrugged. “So now that all the predators are done showing off, what does everyone think about this place?”

“It’s obviously a reaction,” Watcher said. “I think the longer we wait, the worse it’s going to get. If I had to guess, I say it’ll develop countermeasures as we go.”

“Then we shouldn’t waste time scouting,” Twilight said. “We can investigate as we go.”

“We should always scout,” Luna said. “If you do not know the enemy and the terrain, winning is unlikely.”

“It’s just gonna change on us,” Twilight said.

“We need to determine how fast it changes,” Luna said. “What if something were to leap out and attack us all at once? There could be anything in there, including things that could get through the shield.”

“I’ve never seen animals here,” Felix said. “I hope saying that doesn’t make me a twat.”

“First part doesn’t, second part does,” I said. “You’ve also never seen it react to you before. There’s no telling what this place might produce in response to us. It didn’t notice one thief, but it’s freaking out on all of us.”

“Just more proof of how—”

“Taya?” Felix’s bullshit immediately cut off. “Good girl.”

“Thank you, mommy!”

“See what obsessive, psychotic loyalty can get you?” I asked Felix, patting Taya on the head. She giggled as he rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “Now let’s continue without the interruptions.”

“They are approaching the edge of the shield,” Flo said.

“Is the forest doing anything?” I asked. Luna stepped away and started tracing something on the ground.

While she did that, Flo shook her head. “No.”

“Tell them to go through. Slowly approach the edge. Let Cascade touch one of the trees. If it doesn’t react, we’ll begin slowly moving in.”

Flo bowed her head. “They will advance. Shall the fires go with them?”

“One of them. Tell them to pick.”

Flo bubbled and turned pink. “It is done, Nav.”

“Thank you.” Her head bowed again.

A flash of light suddenly came from Luna’s drawing. She pressed her hoof into the ground at the center of it and the ground collapsed into a wide hole. As her hoof lifted out of the ground, the hole filled with water. Once her hoof was clear, the water instantly became still. “Approach,” she calmly said. “It focuses upon Kat.”

We all gathered around and sure enough, the water showed Kat and Cascade exiting the barrier. Kat had reloaded her crossbow and had it in some kind of strange sling. It allowed her to hold the crossbow in her off paw and her rapier in her main paw. I guess if you didn’t have to aim, that would give you one free long-ranged shot. Cascade was still calm and blue, idly sliding next to her host.

“That’s… interesting,” Brook said. “It’s like viewing through the eyes of a host.”

“Indeed,” Flo slowly said. “How did you do this?”

“A mix of runes, voodoo, and a standard water mirror spell,” she said. “The rune produces water. Normally, the spell would require a physical component. I can bypass that restriction using voodoo to tap into Kat’s spiritual connection to Nav. Honestly, since that connection is so powerful, I could probably create a nearly perfect voodoo doll of her…” She blinked a few times and nodded before looking at me. “I’ll make one for all of your followers later. Use it to keep us in line or control us from afar.”

“No the fuck you won’t,” I immediately said. “And if it’s at all convenient, ask me before doing any kind of dark magic, forbidden magic, voodoo, or anything that involves tapping into spiritual connections.”

“As you command, Nav,” she replied, bowing her head.

I can’t believe I have to tell people these things.

“Look at who you surround yourself with,” Aqua said. “Felix might be right, you know. Truth be told, you only have room for one obsessive love and that’s me!” After riding the high off my fear and spiked adrenaline, she giggled and said, “Kidding, kidding. But could you imagine, though? Oh, that would be the best! I can’t keep you from Taya, unfortunately, and she’s already too far gone without direct intervention. Honestly, at this point, I might just take her over and kick it up a notch. After all, it’s perfectly normal for a young lady to be with her mommy at all times!”

Sadist.

“Kidding, really!” She giggled again before booping me. “Or am I?” Her mad cackling continued, but it seemed she ran out of things to actually say.

Which was good, because it helped me skip all the idle chatter that was going on as Kat approached the forest. It was also kinda bad, because what she said was super creepy.

“The forest isn’t doing anything,” Brook said. “They’re approaching one of the trees now.”

“I have a bad feeling about this,” Watcher quietly said.

“Me too,” I said. “Advance! Cover them with the shield!”

The instant we started moving, a torrential downpour of hail slammed into the shield. It was deafening for an instant before Twilight’s horn lit up and silenced the hail.

“It’s reacting!” Watcher shouted as we ran. “I think it’s driving us into the forest for protection!”

“Cut down everything in our way!” I shouted. “Fuck the hail. We do this slow and steady.”

“Your hair is wilting,” Twilight slowly said.

I picked up a strand of it. Not only was it wilting, it was turning red. The flower was dead and it no longer seemed to resonate with life. “It’s like it changed seasons.”

“Keep that incense hoofy,” Watcher said. “You might need it in an instant.”

“Got it. Hear that, Taya?”

“Yes, mommy,” she said. “And you know what else it’s time for?”

“Playing lumberjack?” I asked.

“Your first cookie break,” she replied, horn lighting up. One of her pouches opened up and two cookies floated out. “Go on, mommy! Gotta keep up your energy.”

“Then get me some water. And get some for yourself, too.”

Flo cleared her throat as Taya searched for water. “My sisters have reached the edge, Nav. We are ready to begin at your word.”

“Go for it,” I said. It was a little muffled around the cookie, but she got the message.

“Get better, my lady,” Watcher sighed. “I mean, talking with your mouth full? Really?” Get better, Watcher. I mean, calling me out during a campaign? Really?

Saying that wouldn’t make him suffer enough, though. “I appreciate you pointing that out,” I replied when my mouth is clear. “Your reward is one boop.” I did so using the hand holding the cookie, so he’d have to smell it. He rolled his eyes and bore it with his standard annoyed expression. Once it was done, I nodded, took a bite of the cookie, and mumbled, “You’re welcome, vassal!”

“I know you’re just doing it to spite me, but all you’re doing is embarrassing yourself.”

“He’s just jealous he doesn’t have cookies,” Taya sweetly replied. Luna snorted. “Just for that, you have to eat one more.”

“See what you’ve done?” I groaned as she floated the last one my way.

Watcher just looked away and continued walking.

“Brook approached him once, you know,” Aqua said. “Asked if he ever wondered if it be better that you have a shorter leash. He didn’t reply, but it took a long time for him to walk away.”

I doubt this is what Brook had in mind.

“At the time, it was. We suspected Celestia would turn on us eventually. Some of us decided it would be best to keep you in Atlantis, grooming you to be the perfect replacement for her. We won enough voters that Brook decided to ask a few of your followers in complete confidence.”

I’m surprised they held their confidence.

“Or maybe I made that up,” she said, placing her hands on my shoulders. “You don’t believe a word I say, do you? So why bother tell you the truth?”

If you can present corroborating evidence, we might talk. Otherwise, it’s just claims.

“My claims are truth to you!” she growled.

Wow. Delusional much?

“Soon, oh so very soon… you’ll believe every little word I say as utter truth.”

That sounded horrifying, so I decided to tune her out and focus on real things. It gave me time to finish the last cookie like a proper lady, so I didn’t offend any more sensibilities with my uncouth actions. I savored the taste for a few seconds before washing it down with water.

When my mouth was clear of trespassers, Flo said, “We have cleared the first layer of trees. The more we cut, the harder the material became. It is nothing for us, but if it—” She froze for a moment before her gaze moved toward the front. “The trees are full of nanomachines.”

“Nobody can let the trees touch you,” I said. “Nanomachines can kill you instantly or turn you against us.”

“Slow and steady,” Watcher said. “I know some acid fog spells. It might help clear our path.”

“And make the path forward all gross and shit,” I said. “We’ll see how the elementals do for now. If what you said is true, we should press every advantage for as long as we have it.”

“Agreed,” Flo said. “These are only semi-intelligent. It appears that they are set to eliminate all large groups.”

“Could they be set to make crops?” I asked.

“Perhaps, but I believe that is only scratching the surface. Rain and Raine are trying to fight through their protection network now. We’ll keep going until they crack it.”

“Perhaps we are putting these elementals to the wrong use,” Luna said. “Maybe they should tend farms. If this is what less intelligent machines can do, I can only imagine what you’d be capable of.”

“Wonders,” Brook replied. “Soon, we can hammer our swords back into hoes and rebuild our homes. Until then, Nav needs us.”

“Hear that?” Aqua said in my head. “You need us!”

I wanted to make a rebuttal, but Luna beat me to the punch. “Need is a strong word. Nav is a fighter and a survivor. She would find a way without all of us, if she must.” Well, I could live without most of you, but I wouldn’t be bothering without Taya…

“That might be a little much,” Twilight said. “How many times have we had to rescue her?”

“Many,” Flo said. “Nav may be a survivor, but now that she has discovered the magic of friendship, she has become a true force to be reckoned with!”

“Way to make that sound as gay as possible,” I shot back.

“It’s fun to rub it in,” Twilight said. “I’ve been telling you from the beginning!”

“Yeah, but until just recently, I didn’t really have much luck in the friend or loyalty department.”

That shut the conversation down, thankfully. We slowly pushed forward into the forest, the spiky pillars towering over us.

“What will the shield stop?” Watcher finally asked.

“The hail and living creatures,” Luna replied. “With these trees, it’s unlikely that we’ll hit any tornados.”

“Will it keep out new growth?” Watcher asked.

“It will block the spores, but we’ll need to keep an eye out for any trees regrowing under us, or growing limbs into the shield.”

“I’m going to go warn my troops,” Watcher said. “I’ll be back soon.”

“Tell Gloomy I said hi,” I idly said as he walked away.

“As you wish,” he said without looking my way.

“I’ll go with him,” Twilight said. “I want to get a look at some of these trees.”

“Boop Sentinel on the nose for me,” I said as she hurried off to follow the old man.

“No thanks,” she replied.

“A wise choice,” Luna muttered.

“The local nanites are continuing to modify their composition,” Flo said. “They have attempted several consistencies. So far, we have cut through each one like butter.”

“Anything special?” I asked.

“Definitely unique, or at least nothing we’ve ever seen. The local nanites are rewriting the trees on the fly in response to what we’re doing. Their defense network seems to be fighting back, too. Mist and Carl are now also fighting with it. I’m confident that if we can crack it, we can stop the forest from resisting.”

“Can you?” I asked.

“Absolutely. Whether or not we can do it in a reasonable amount of time is the hard question. We will try.”

“For now, I will join the others at the front.” Brook said. “We will communicate through Flo if we must.”

“Good luck,” I said. She reached out and booped me with a tendril of water, then slid off. “I can’t believe that thing dared touch me.”

“Get over yourself,” Twilight said.

“It stopped hailing!” one of the griffin guards called. We all looked up and sure enough, the hail had stopped. What was left on the ground was rapidly melting into the parched looking ground. I could no longer tell what the weather in the rest of the forest looked like, but the skies above us were gray. Honestly, looking up through the thorns around our small bubble was kind of spooky.

“Think we could get some eyes in the sky?” I asked.

“The dome might be just waiting for someone to leave the shield,” Flo said. “Look how sudden the hail was before. We must hold fast to our course. Leaving risks death.”

“Show of hands, who wants to live forever?” I called out. A little fewer than half lifted appendages. “Wow, that’s actually more than I thought. Alright, would any of those who don’t want to live forever who’s also able to fly be interested in what might be a suicide mission?”

“I’ll do it for a date!” one of the male pegasi called back.

“With who?” I asked.

He blinked. “Oh. I uh… thought you’d say no. I just wanted to sound stallionly...”

“Anybody else wanna waste my time with some bullshit?” I called out, looking around. The guard who spoke up dropped his head in shame and nobody else replied. “Then I guess we stay the course.”

“The rear edge of the shield will soon be passing the treeline,” Luna said. “If it regrows behind us, we will be trapped.”

“My sisters are halting,” Flo said. “The trees are changing again.”

“Changing how?” I asked as the waters edged back toward us. Kat finally rejoined me, taking her proper place on my arm.

“Wholly,” Flo said. “It appears they’re becoming something else, probably another type of tree.”

Sure enough, the trees lost all the thorns. After that, most of the trees just shrunk back into the ground. The ones that remained slowly grew huge branches right at the tops of the trunks. Once the branches were formed, foliage started covering them. The light levels instantly dropped.

“What are they doing?” Flo slowly asked.

Luna’s horn lit up and a flare slowly shot up out of our bubble. Once it illuminated the foliage, we could see several gigantic spikey balls of death. As we watched, the first one fell to the ground.

Thankfully for us, it wasn’t anywhere near our group. It hit the ground with a thundering crack, splitting it open and spewing some kind of green gas.

“We should go,” I said.

“FLARES!” Watcher called out. All his unicorns shot flares up into the sky. Each slowly moved up as our group began moving forward.

“We’ll take turns deflecting the seeds,” Twilight said. “Me first, then Luna, then Taya.”

“Shall I keep the shield up?” Luna asked.

“Yes,” I said. “Better safe than sorry. Unless it’s a problem, that is.”

“There is no problem,” she replied. “I have had little to do but practice and train, recently.”

“You’re certainly very well toned,” I said. “Your belly was soft, but not very squishy.”

“It must be so nice to have options to choose from,” she said. “Twilight is soft from a life of luxury and study, Taya still has her foal-pudge, I am toned, and Gilda is fuzzy and bumpy.”

“Yeah, life’s pretty great,” I said. “I don’t think Spike likes sharing Gilda’s belly, though.”

“That is not who I—”

“Who cares?” OG asked. “I’ll admit it: Your bellyrubs are amazing. Spike ain’t gonna stop me from getting one!”

“My bellyrubs are just as good!” Spike called from his place near the rear.

“Sometimes a hen just wants a more feminine touch! I’ll let you watch, but no touching!”

“Cut the chatter!” Watcher yelled. “You aren’t children!”

“Relax,” I said. “I mean, sure it’s a little bit spooky out here, but it’s not like we’re in danger.”

“My lady, we just watched a huge number of gigantic spiky trees just burrow back into the very ground we’re now walking on top of.”

“Talk about weird, right?”

“And then the remaining trees changed composition, sprouted branches, and are now dropping spiky balls of death on us! I believe keeping our senses about us is better than mindlessly chattering!”

“You can do both,” Flo said. “Nav, we’ve managed to crack some of the weaker encryption on the local machines.”

“I don’t actually know what that means,” I said. “Can you make them stop dropping shit on us?”

“Not yet, but we’re getting there. Picking up the pace would be better than waiting on us, though.”

“You heard the lady,” Watcher called out. “Pick up the—”

The ground exploded out from underneath us. At first, I thought one of the balls hit us. Then I realized that trees sprouted under our very feet and catapulted us all into the air.

After a few seconds of complete shock, I slowly looked around. We were now surrounded on all sides by extremely thick pine trees. “What the absolute fuck?” I said from my position on top of a tree.

“Everybody down!” Watcher called. “Get on the ground, regroup!”

That seemed like a pretty good idea. Most of the unicorns teleported down. They helped the rest of us awkwardly slide down. Soon enough, our command ground surrounded one of the pine trees.

“They look normal,” Watcher said.

“They are normal,” Flo replied. “As far as we can tell, each of these is a completely standard pine tree. We will need to check everybody to ensure nobody has been injected with nanomachines.”

“We don’t have time,” Aqua said with my mouth. “We need to move before these trees turn poisonous or something.”

“That’s a fair point,” Twilight said. “They’re normal pine trees now. I don’t feel safe standing next to one.”

We all heard a loud crack above us. Everybody looked up and saw a huge cloud full of lightning rolling down on us.

“They’re gonna burn us out!” Watcher said.

“Flo, pull your sisters back,” I said.

“Are we retreating?” she asked as the waters joined us.

“We’re consolidating,” I replied. “I want all the trees around us gone as quickly as possible and make sure nothing can grow under us, if possible.” They rushed to begin clearing foliage, melting it down before our eyes.

“Nav, we don’t have much time,” Watcher warned.

“I know. Taya, Twilight, once we have a clearing around us, burn everything back fifteen meters. White hot, leave absolutely nothing but ash.”

“You plan to fight fire with fire?” Luna asked.

“Hell no, I’m just not leaving anything for their fire to burn. Will the shield filter out ash, smoke, or fire?”

“Fire, yes. Ash and smoke, no.”

“We could do that,” Flo said. “My sisters can form a bubble around all of us. It won’t block fire, but you will be able to breathe.”

“That’s our last option.” Lightning finally struck somewhere a few hundred meters away. “We have got to get out of this fucking forest. We have to keep moving forward.”

“Is that clear enough?” Flo asked when the last of the trees immediately surrounding us were gone.

“Yes. Girls?” Their horns lit up and several meters of trees just vaporized into powder. “Wow.”

“Was that a little much?” Twilight asked.

“I wasn’t expecting it to be that fast,” I replied with a shrug. “Can the two of you burn a swath of trees from here to the center?”

“Easily,” Taya said.

“We can keep cutting our path forward,” Flo said.

“Focus on the ground for now,” I said. “See what you can do about making sure nothing sprouts under us again. Taya, Twilight, lead the way.”

“You got it, mommy!” Taya spunkily replied. I knew she would enjoy hearing that. Our group began moving again, this time with Twilight and my daughter taking the lead.

“There’s a fire across the crater,” Luna said, her eyes watching the far side. “And it’s spreading quickly.” Sure enough, the cloud of smoke was growing uncomfortably fast.

“Whoever designed this place is an asshole,” I replied.

“Didn’t Anonymous design this place?” Flo asked.

“Probably not,” I replied. “This hellscape probably came well after that asshole died.”

“Not a very polite way to describe yourself,” she muttered.

“Navarone is not Anonymous,” Brook said.

“Another fire,” Luna said. “At this rate, the entire crater will be burning within the hour.”

“Which doesn’t really mean that much,” I said. “With the water elementals to shelter us from the smoke and them keeping everything else burned back, we should be fine.”

“How long does the walk usually take?” Flo asked Felix.

“For me? About an hour. I spent some of the time just sightseeing. After all, you’ll find things here you won’t see anywhere else.”

“It’s only a few kilometers,” Watcher said. “But that can be deceptive, especially in a place like this.”

Before anyone else could reply, the shield was struck by lightning. It was blinding and most of us cried out.

A few seconds after it passed, Zecora called out, “Everybody, open your eyes. I will cure this.” It was decidedly hard to do so, but I forced them open and dealt with the blinding pain. Once everybody had opened their eyes, something splashed onto the ground and started spewing smoke. As soon it hit my eyes, the pain went away and I could see again.

“Keep moving forward!” Watcher yelled.

“The clouds to our right are starting to move,” one of the griffins called. “Looks like the start of a tornado!”

I reached into a pouch and pulled out the alicorn amulet. “Watcher, use this to cast your acid cloud spell to our left, toward the center of the crater.”

“Yes ma’am,” he replied, floating it over with magic. As soon as he put it on, his horn lit up red and a large green cloud appeared over the trees to our left. When it had spread out about half a kilometer, it started to rain some kind of acid, making the trees immediately start smoking.

Once the rain started, he removed the amulet and floated it back to me. “Thank you,” I said, putting it away.

“Sure you don’t want me to have it, mommy?” my sweet little daughter asked.

“Not yet. Twilight, will you need it to deal with a tornado?”

“Depends on the category. I’ll let you know when it gets here.”

“So, how bad is a tornado in a forest this thick?” I asked.

“It shouldn’t be that bad,” one of the pegasi said. “Unless it has a clear space to build, that is.”

“Which, knowing this place, it probably does,” I said. “Flo, any luck?”

“We’re getting there. I fear we aren’t desperate enough yet, though. Ask again when all hope seems lost.”

“You got it.” Weirdo.

“A funnel is forming!” one of the griffins called. “It’s dropping down now.”

I looked out that way and sure enough, a tornado was starting to touch down. We could already feel the wind picking up from where we were. It was only when the tornado hit land and lit on fire did we realize that the trees over there had already been hit by lightning. The firespout immediately began moving our way, picking up pieces of burning trees as it went.

“That doesn’t look promising,” I quietly said.

“Maybe we should pick up the pace a little,” Kat said.

“Princess, can you move any faster?” I called back.

“I can fly.”

“I’ll carry her,” Spike replied, picking the princess up with a very unprincessly squawk. Once he got her comfortably arranged, she seemed more open to the idea. “As long as she doesn’t mind, that is.”

“I don’t,” she said. “It’s quite comfy, in fact.”

OG made a few unfriendly sounding noises about that, but I honestly didn’t care. “Then let’s pick up the pace.” We bumped our speed up again. My legs were starting to get tired, so I finally pulled up the potpourri and inhaled. The scent burned my nose, but I instantly felt better and continued jogging with ease.

“I can’t help but think of all the wood we’re wasting,” Flo sighed. “We could have made many homes.”

“I assume when you crack it, you can grow all the wood you want. We could probably supply the changelings, if we can get railway set up.”

“You seek to occupy this place?” Luna asked.

“If we can. Look at what the front yard can do. This would be a wonderful fortress. Infinite food, infinite wood, infinite life-saving medicines, all in the blink of an eye. If we can tame this place, we grow several steps closer to a peaceful, self-sustaining world.”

“She is correct,” Flo said. “Controlling the nanites here would be very beneficial. More of us are dedicated to it now. We’re finally able to see that the weather is also controlled by nanites, so we’ll be able to stop both once we’re in.”

“Got an ETA on that?” I asked. “That fiery tornado is getting much bigger.” It wasn’t moving forward that quickly, so it had time to build up speed.

“Not yet. Be patient.”

“We’re running out of time to be patient in.”

“Another funnel, left side!” one of the griffins called. “Over the acid cloud!”

“Oh boy, an acid tornado!” Watcher sarcastically said.

“You were the one who recommended it! Twilight, can you drop two of them?”

“I’ll need the amulet.” I pulled it out and handed it to her. She stared at it for a moment before sighing and sliding it around her neck. “It might be best if I held onto it for now, in case we get blindsided by one.”

“Okay, but be careful.”

“Always. Silence, would you mind taking my place?” The quiet unicorn did as she asked without a word, taking over her spot burning the trees for us. “Now then…” She walked over to the right edge of the shield. When Twilight was in place, her horn lit up red and an icy gale shot out toward the tornado. The winds collided with a thunderclap and the tornado slowly ground down into nothing, sending debris flying everywhere. “One down.”

“Fucking nice,” I said. “I didn’t realize you had an air conditioner in there!”

“I can do all kinds of things to you, silly!” she sweetly replied as she walked back over. “I’m definitely going to enjoy trying each of them out, one by one!”

“Sounds hot. So what about the other tornado?”

“I’ll wait until it’s closer.” She pressed up against my other side, the one Kat hadn’t claimed. “I’m surprised you aren’t taking advantage of your newest vassal.”

“...In what way?” I very slowly asked.

“She mentioned old allies riding her. I assumed you would be interested.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” Luna quickly said. “My body is yours to use however you please, liege lady.”

“Don’t say it like that,” I sighed. “There might be a time when riding you is useful. Now is not it. To be honest, I don’t particularly like riding.”

“O-oh,” Luna said, looking away. “I thought… Never mind.”

I was quite curious what she thought, but she said never mind and I wasn’t going to be nosy.

“What did you think?” Aqua asked.

“That I would be my lady’s battle mount, of course,” Luna replied. “I believe it would be a comfortable fit for both of us and it would likely increase your survivability and lethality. The extra height would allow you to see more of the battlefield and give orders easily. It’s also possible to sync the runes on our armor sets so we get extra advantages.”

“For the moment, I prefer my own two feet,” I replied. Kat snuggled me closer.

“So be it,” she replied. “Know that my body craves whatever touch you choose to give it.”

“Do you really have to word it like that?” I sighed.

“What’s wrong with it?” she innocently asked.

“It sounds lewd!”

“Well… If that is where your mind went… I submit to your will, my lady. I said I crave any touch and if that is the only use you can conceive for me…” I sighed in complete disappointment. She smiled innocently at me.

“Don’t even think about touching mommy,” Taya warned. “And I better not even need to warn you, mommy!”

“Don’t be rude,” I said.

“Another funnel, above us!” one of the griffins called.

The ground cracked under Twilight’s feet as she shot a huge spike of ice directly into the cloud. After a few seconds, it spun itself out and we continued moving in peace. “How’s that for sexy?” she asked me.

“Pretty darn sexy. You need some kind of battle cry or pun, though.”

“Uh… Ice to meet you!”

“Give it up,” Spike said. “You’ve already been down that road, remember?”

“Oh yeah, now I remember,” I said. “Against Trixie! You were worse than she was!”

“That’s not… We agreed never to talk about that!”

“Fine, be that way. The point is, your battle talk is garbage.”

“Yeah, well… At least I don’t scream about rubbing bellies!”

“Yeah, well… Shut your whore mouth.”

She warmly nuzzled my hand, trying to get ear scritches. When they weren’t forthcoming, she used magic to marionette my hand to meet her selfish desires. Once her ears were being treated properly, she sighed in contentment. “Is this cute enough for you, Navi?” she asked.

“Remember what I said about magic?”

“Um… Oh.” Her magic released me. “C’mon, Navi! I’m the element of magic! Why can’t I use it to show affection?”

“I can’t fight back at all, so it comes off as weird, possessive, and creepy. That acid tornado is getting kinda close.”

“You don’t mind when I physically drag you around!”

“You couldn’t overpower me physically. If I didn’t want it, I could fight back.”

“Uh, you sure about that?” she asked. “I could kick your butt any day of the week!”

“That’s the corruption talking,” Flo said. “You might be slightly stronger than Nav, but she is an exceptional fighter.”

“Uh huh, sure. I could put her in her place in less than a minute!”

Watcher cleared his throat. “That acid tornado is getting a lot bigger and a lot closer!”

“Admit it, Navi!” Twilight shouted, stomping a hoof on the ground.

“I’m not gonna admit a lie. I could put you on the ground in a heartbeat. Now kill the tornado!”

“Oh, you’re on!” she growled. “The next chapter is gonna be about putting your sub in her place!”

My cloak was starting to stir from the tornado’s wind. “Twilight, for the love of whatever, kill the tornado!”

“Anything for you, my love!” she sweetly replied. Her horn lit up red and the tornado hit an invisible wall. Her hooves slid back half a meter before digging in. Soon enough, the tornado ground itself out against the wall. Once it was dead, Twilight’s shoulders slumped. “T-there!”

“Good work, honey. Any more trouble brewing in the skies?” I asked.

“Not near us,” one of the griffins called.

“There’s a giant tornado across the crater,” Luna replied. “It’s also on fire and seems to be coming this way.”

“This is getting old quick,” I said.

“The air is getting thick with smoke,” Flo said. “You will likely need our assistance with breathing, soon.”

“Once that happens, we won’t be able to see tornados,” Watcher said. “We’ll be sitting ducks.”

“Can we blow the smoke back with wind?” Kat asked.

“It would just fan the flames,” Taya replied.

“Could you make rain?” I asked, looking at Watcher. “You can make acid rain, after all…”

“I’m afraid not, ma’am. We didn’t get too much weather magic in the guard. We just learned how to kill and hurt.”

“Luna?” I asked.

“I’m afraid to disappoint you, but I also have little experience with such matters. I will rectify my shortcomings as soon as possible.”

“Has anybody noticed the temperature dropping fast?” Felix asked. “It’s getting colder. Soon, it’ll be too cold for us to keep going.”

“We’ll handle that,” Watcher said. “Unicorns, pop heat spells. Cardinal points around mine.” His horn lit up and a burst of warmth hit me. “Go.” The rest of his unicorns cast their own heat spells around the group, warming us all up and making us nice and toasty. “Pop more flares, too. It’ll be getting pitch black soon, aside from the fires.” All five of them shot flares up, illuminating vast swathes of the shitty forest around us.

“There’s movement in the trees,” one of the guards called out.

Before I could ask what kind of movement, something struck the shield and bounced off. Twilight snatched the creature with magic before it could slither off. It appeared to be some kind of mutated wolf. One of the water elementals slid out the shield and dissolved the beast before reentering the shield.

“It’s controlled by nanomachines,” she said. “We must capture more if possible.”

“They know the shield blocks animals now,” I said. “I doubt we’ll have the chance.”

One of the soldiers started screaming. We all looked his way and saw him getting dragged out of the shield by a vine around one of his legs. His unicorn immediately freed him and yanked him back.

“Circle up!” Watcher called. His troops and the griffin guards moved into a vaguely circle-like shape around me, my command party, and the princess. The water elementals surrounded them. “Keep an eye out for vines and creatures. Let nothing harm our lady!”

“I’m not sure vines or animals would actually hurt me,” I said. “Though I do like having a bunch of manly guards clamoring to keep me safe!”

“I’m not manly!” Nightshade called.

“You’re right, sorry,” I said. “A bunch of manly guards and a few sweet little cutie-pies.” She giggled. In fact, I appreciate the sweet little cutie-pies more than the manly ones. “I just wish you weren’t always so zealous.”

“You just mean so much to us,” Watcher sarcastically replied. “We could never stand letting anything happen to you.”

“Super gay,” I said.

Watcher turned his gaze to Luna. “I believe our lady is getting weary. It might be best if you carried her for a little while.”

“Agreed,” Kat said, patting my arm. “I can hear the poor dear panting!”

“Let me just help you up, mommy,” Taya said, using magic to float me over to Luna’s back. Truth be told, it was a fairly comfortable fit. “How’s that feel?”

“Like it was made for me,” I said. “Thanks for the suggestion, honey. I’ll be utilizing my new battle mount much more often, now!”

“Mmm, I’m glad you approve,” Luna sighed, stretching her legs. “I love how you feel on top of me, my lady. I’d be happy to follow every order you give…”

I honestly can’t tell if she’s flirting with me or if she’s just messing with me.

“I’d say messing with you,” Aqua said. “Or perhaps testing the waters. I do not suggest replying positively to any such advances.”

Would you have suggested replying positively to Kat’s advances?

“Absolutely not. She is dangerous. You’re lucky she hasn’t hurt you yet. You will not be spending more time with her like that.”

To be honest, that might be for the best.

“Besides, your new partner will be sure to keep you satisfied at all times. You’ll be too exhausted to complain about my treatment!”

Finally an upside. “So why did you want to be my battle mount?” I asked. “It doesn’t seem like the most comfortable position.”

“Because the safest place for you on any battlefield is by my side,” she replied. “This way, I can keep you safe no matter what.”

“Well, my other vassals and even my daughter were quick to pawn me off on you. It’s nice to know at least one of you cares about me.”

“I just want you safe, mommy!” Taya sweetly said. “Pairing you up with your most powerful vassal seems like the safest idea to me!”

“I was hoping she would keep you quiet,” Watcher said.

“How difficult would it be to take away a night guard’s appearance?” I asked.

“Not very,” Luna replied. Watcher decided he didn’t have anything else to say.

“I’m sad to say it, but having you close is too distracting,” Kat said. “Your very touch makes my heart flutter. Keeping my wits about me while you are in my grasp is difficult. The whole world seems to light up and I stop focusing on threats…”

“I always get sucked in by the touch,” Taya said. “Mommy’s hands are so amazing. I love how they feel all over me! It’s impossible to fight back when she starts rubbing my belly. I like when mommy holds me down and makes me her little cuddleslut!” Oh dear…

That made everyone stare straight at her before their judgmental gazes moved to me. “Her little what?” Princess Gilda coldly asked.

“It’s an in-joke between them,” Flo immediately replied.

“She jokingly calls her daughter a cuddleslut?” PG incredulously asked.

“Sure does!” Taya said. “And I love it! Oooh, I just love my mommy so much!”

“I love you, too,” I said.

“Why cuddleslut?” PG asked.

“Because it’s a very apt description,” I said. “You should see her take her cuddles like the good little filly she is. I just love snuggling her silly!”

“Isn’t that also super gay?” Spike asked.

“How dare you?” I replied. “That’s my daughter!”

“But—”

“Nope, don’t wanna hear it,” I said. “Get your mind out of the gutter, Spike.”

“I don’t understand your rules over what is and isn’t gay,” Watcher said.

“It’s simple, Watcher,” I replied. “If I say it’s gay, it’s gay.”

“See there?” Aqua called. “Complete nonsense!”

“You’re just jealous that I’m more popular,” I said. “Everybody likes me more! You’re just a big meanie-head.”

“How typical. Childish as always.”

Before I could continue being childish, something burst out of the ground next to Luna. She danced away, keeping me secure with her wings. The new creature was some kind of giant lizard. It darted our way but was almost immediately engulfed by Flo. Some water sisters moved to fill the hole before more could emerge.

“FUNNEL!” one of the griffins screamed. “ABOVE!”

More lizards shot out of the ground around us. The guards were ready this time and forced them all onto the dirt, letting the elementals take them. The fire elementals got a few, but the waters absorbed most.

Thankfully, Twiggles didn’t wait for them. Her horn lit up blood red and the ground under her hooves cracked. “It’s… so strong!” she hissed. Finally, her nostrils flared and a light shot out of her horn. It pierced right through the growing funnel above us. As it touched the funnel, the wind just blew itself out. Once the light finally hit the clouds, it cut a hole straight through them, blowing a huge chunk of the clouds away. The light finally hit the magical dome and reflected, making Twilight gasp in shock.

Her horn finally died out. One of her hooves lifted up to her head and she shuddered slightly. After several long seconds, we heard a faint clang.

“Was that the dome?” I asked.

“I’d say so,” Luna replied. “It’s far enough away that the sound would take a second to reach us. How do you feel, Twilight? That did not look easy.”

“I think… I need to take the amulet off now.” She did so without another word. “I should not have attempted that alone. It was stronger than the others.”

“Give it to Taya,” I said. My daughtered giggled in glee. “She can hold onto it for now. She can’t wear it yet, though.”

“But it looks so good on me, mommy!” she said. “Besides, a little corruption never hurt anybody, right? It just means I’ll be more willing to do whatever it takes to protect you!”

“What if it corrupted you into not loving me anymore?” I asked.

“Impossible!” Taya replied. “Loving you is all I have, mommy! All it could do is change how I love you! And is that really so bad? We’ll still be together, won’t we? I’ll just be much more powerful!”

“You know what, never mind,” I said. “I will hold onto the amulet.” Twilight floated it to me while Taya sighed and pouted. I slid it into its pouch. “So, glean anything from those lizards?”

“More nanites,” Flo said. “Different types, which is good. The more of them we have, the easier they will be to break.”

“Did you save enough to make me a pair of boots?”

“Maybe enough to make a lash. I bet you’d prefer that.”

“True. I need something to keep my new mount in line. She’s awful jumpy.”

“Ginger root, perhaps,” Flo suggested.

“Absolutely not!” Luna said. “I would not balk at a lashing from my lady, but I will not be gingered like some common street harlot!”

“Relax, I was kidding,” I said. “I don’t need to hit you to keep you under control.”

“You sure about that?” Spike asked.

“She’s not an insubordinate stuck up dragon who’s pretending he’s doing what’s best for me as an excuse to exert his own strength and dominance.”

“I will never understand how you are so unfazed by things,” Watcher sighed. “It’s surreal!”

“Oh, I’ve just completely given up,” I said with a shrug. “I don’t care one way or another if I live or die. I’ve been waiting for the sweet release of death for so long that I don’t remember what it’s like to have a future.”

“...I suppose I do understand now.”

“See there, Watcher? Never say never!”

“So who wants to talk about what Nav just said?” Twilight asked.

“Me!” Taya immediately said.

“I’m also interested,” Kat added.

“And me,” my not-so-loyal steed said.

“Over here,” Princess Gilda said.

“Look, I’m sorry,” I said. “I know it’s a self-defeating cliche, but the classics are just that for a reason! I won’t apologize for saying never say never.”

“I understand why Flo started hitting you,” Aqua said aloud.

“This is why you have no friends, Aqua,” Ice said. “Be nice to Navi! She’s just doing her best!”

“No she’s not. It’s obvious she isn’t even trying. Just look at her. She even said herself that she doesn’t care if she lives or dies.”

“Why would I need to be serious?” I asked. “For a little bit of wind and a few overgrown lizards? We’re in no danger here.”

“It’s unwise to underestimate your opponent,” Luna quietly said.

“And finally a vassal speaks sense,” Aqua said, mockingly clapping. “If only you contradicted everything stupid she said. Though I suppose she wouldn’t get much done, then.”

“Go be a bitch somewhere else,” Flo flippantly replied.

It’s nice to see a real water elemental in action again. That actually made Aqua turn green with envy. Oh yeah, I actually liked Flo! You’re just a mean bitch.

“Always with the insults!” she growled in my head. “You’re just trying to hurt me! Stop acting out for attention!”

Says the woman who was just insulting me.

“Well of course. I’m testing the others to see how loyal they are to you by pointing out obvious faults in your leadership skills. I don’t know how, but they all seem steadfastly loyal. That makes my job more difficult, but not impossible.”

They’ll realize your game eventually.

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

“That fire is getting close,” Luna said. “Its smoke will soon be affecting us.”

“Everybody bunch up,” I said. “Waters, cover us all in a bubble. Keep an eye out for weather that we need to take care of.”

“We won’t be able to see far,” Flo said as my troops started getting close and comfy. The fire elementals watched from near the edge of the shield “It will soon be very smoky.”

“Do what you can,” I said.

Once everybody had gathered around me, Flo nodded. “Are you ready, Nav?”

“Yes. Keep us safe.”

“With pleasure.” All of the sisters but Flo formed a bubble around us. After a few seconds, it turned transparent.

“We can keep going as soon as you’re ready, mommy,” Taya said. “I can burn those trees down from in here no problem!”

“Keep going. Everybody be careful about your speed. Falling behind now would be a very bad idea.”

Taya started pressing forward again, horn lit up to destroy the pine trees as we went. Twilight was taking a moment to eat something, which made me remember the cookies. My daughter was too busy to bother, so I didn’t ask for them.

I was starting to feel weary again, so I sniffed the potpourri to keep me going. Thankfully, Zecora finally managed to make something good for you that was actually enjoyable.

“How are you feeling?” Kat quietly asked.

“The lack of light is starting to get to me,” I replied.

“Your hair is grey and lifeless now,” she said. “It looks like the flowers are losing petals…”

“Well, we knew this was coming,” I said. “Which is why we planned for it. Zecora was nice enough to make me something.”

“How is it working?” the zebra asked.

“Well. Best of all, it smells good!”

“My apologies,” she replied. “I’ll make sure all future batches smell terrible. I have a reputation to uphold, after all.” The worst part is that I couldn’t tell if she was being serious.

“Couldn’t you change your reputation?” Taya asked. “You could start making medicine that actually tastes good!”

“The highlight of my day is making your mother complain,” Zecora answered. “And since she enjoys complaining so much, it’s a win-win!”

“I take offense to that,” I said.

“Okay.”

“And nobody is going to rush to defend their lady’s honor?” I sarcastically asked.

“What honor?” Spike muttered, making PG snicker.

“You haven’t heard?” OG asked. “Everybody’s been on ‘er!” Spike and PG giggled.

“Seriously?” I sighed. “Nobody is gonna try and defend me?”

“Stop bullying our lady,” Kat said.

“Thank you, Kat,” I said. “You’re currently my favorite vassal!”

“But you’re riding me!” Luna said as Kat preened.

“Against my will. When I needed somebody to defend my honor, only my noble Kat was there for me!”

“If only she had been there when you were attacked by that assassin in Gryphus,” Twilight said. “Or that bounty hunter.”

“...What assassin?” Kat slowly asked, staring at me with her hollow, soulless eyes.

“Did we not talk about that?” I asked.

“We did not.”

“I coulda swore we talked about this!”

Her head tilted slightly, but her empty eyes continued staring at mine. “What bounty hunter?”

“The ones who attacked me on my most recent trip to Gryphus, of course.” Her unblinking gaze beat down on me. “Kat, that’s creepy as fuck. Quit it.”

“Forgive me, my lady,” she evenly replied, though her eyes still didn’t move. “I was just thinking about what fun we’ll have together on your next vacation!”

“I forgive you this time, but don’t let it happen again.”

“No promises,” she said, finally looking away. “You’re so beautiful that my eyes are just drawn to you sometimes!”

And that’s why you’re my favorite vassal. All the really kinky, lewd lesbian sex also helps.

After a few seconds of silence, Taya cleared her throat. “Twilight, another woman just called your special somepony beautiful!”

“Kat’s a vassal,” Twilight said. “She doesn’t count.”

OG immediately said, “You’re beautiful, Nav.”

“SHE’S MINE YOU SKANK!” Twilight yelled, slapping OG with magic. Not enough to hurt, just enough to get her attention.

“Please stop screaming inside my sisters,” Flo said.

“Is that really your plan the next time another mare hits on me?” I asked.

“No, just any hens,” Twilight said. “I have different plans for any mare who tries hitting on you.”

I cast my gaze around the little bubble before focusing on the first mare I saw. “Nightshade, hit on me.”

“I’m not into munching carpet, my lady,” she replied.

“Fuck. Sentinel—”

“Absolutely not.”

“Scoria?”

“Pass.”

“...Sanguine?”

“No buckin’ way. I don’t wanna get slapped with magic!”

I sighed and finally locked eyes with Gloomwing, who was staring at me with barely contained glee. After taking a few seconds to think about it, I decided against it. “Oh well,” I sighed. “I guess I’ll just have to wait.”

Gloomy’s body sagged in disappointment. “B-but my l-lady…” she whimpered.

“Sorry Gloomy, I just couldn’t stand seeing Twilight hit you. It would break my heart.” That put some pep right back in her step.

“But you wouldn’t mind her hitting the rest of us?” Sentinel asked.

“Shhh. Let Gloomy have this.” Sentinel rolled her eyes.

“How’s the weather out there looking?” Watcher asked Flo.

“The hole Twilight formed in the clouds has closed, but we don’t see any funnels forming. There’s still the one across the crater that’s starting to pick up steam heading this way. We also have fires approaching from both sides.”

“Are those fires gonna be threats?” I asked.

“Fifteen meters should be enough for us,” Flo said. “My sisters and I will not steam. And we will filter the air for all of you, so you should also be fine.”

“I should have done this years ago,” Felix said. “If I had known how easy it was to get this large of a group in here, I could have cleared the entire place out!”

“What do you mean, easy?” Watcher asked. “Without the elementals, we probably would have been smoked out. And since they don’t exactly grow on trees, you’d be hard-pressed to find one to join you. You’d also have to charter an airship to get you here and your loot out, which means finding one willing to go so far out of their way. It also means finding one geared up for extreme altitudes and cold weather.”

“None of which are cheap,” I said. “It cost me a fortune to outfit the Second Chance. I’m not sure what Moonie spent on the Ambassador, but given that it’s running magitech, it probably wasn’t cheap.”

“...Magitech?” PG asked.

“Magic used to fuel technology,” I replied. “Like the ring we found.”

“Ah. I would like a look at this ship.”

“Feel free,” I replied. “If the crew gives you trouble, let me know and I’ll talk to them.”

“Very well. Seeing changeling designs will be quite interesting.”

The ground sunk out from under Luna. Before she could react, something bit down on her legs. Whatever it was immediately began screeching in pain and trying to burrow away, but Flo shot into the ground after it. By the time she had caught it, Luna managed to climb out of the new hole. “Didn’t even scratch the armor,” she smugly said.

“Alright, my legs will grow back,” I said. “Anybody else feel like riding Luna for a little while?”

“After that?” Taya said. “You better stay up there, mommy!”

“Agreed,” Kat said. “We are expendable. You are not. Stay where you are safe.”

“Whoa, go easy on the e word,” I said.

“Hm, no. Not until you learn your lesson, my lady.”

“Alright, you’re trading places with me,” I said.

I tried sliding out of the saddle, but Luna’s horn lit up and kept me in place. “Kat is correct,” she said. “We are expendable. You are our lady. All of us must lay down our lives for you. You will stay where you are safe.”

“Will?” I asked.

“Yes,” Taya said. “You will stay there.”

“...Fine. But nobody better bitch or moan about losing a leg to one of those things. Can we extend the shield to cover the ground?”

“We can,” Luna said. “We’ll have to stop for a moment, though.”

“How long?” I asked.

“Just a few seconds.”

“Everybody stop for a sec!” I called out. Our party came to a halt. Luna’s eyes closed and the shield outside of the elementals shrank until it just barely covered the two fires. Once it was smaller, the edge of the shield started sifting through the dirt.

When Luna decided it was done, she nodded. “We may move once more.” The pace picked up again without orders. “It isn’t often that I make a fully-enclosed shield on the ground.”

“A lot of things are happening today that don’t commonly happen,” Twilight said. “It doesn’t count as a waste of magic if you’re actually blocking something from getting to you.”

“Agreed,” Luna said. “Normally, I would only do such a thing in the air. I’ve only had to cover the ground once, when changelings tried burrowing under one of my forts.”

“How’d that go?” Watcher asked.

“Very poorly for the changelings, who managed to tunnel directly into our septic system. Luckily for them, they don’t have the sense of smell. Luckily for us, we do. We were able to tell pretty quickly what had happened and I extended the shield before they could get to us.”

“Why were you fighting changelings?” Twilight asked. “I thought relations only started deteriorating after your exile.”

“They were mercenaries. I don’t remember why we were actually fighting them, though. I don’t suppose it matters, honestly. All war seems to accomplish is spilling blood and making Discord more powerful. My sister and I quickly learned that it was best to avoid them entirely. We were not always capable of doing so, but we were able to keep most nations at back with surreptitious missions, assassinations, trade deals, threats, and occasionally bribes.”

“Like threatening a bunch of dragon eggs?” Spike asked.

“Indeed. Speaking of which, how did you resolve that crisis?” she asked.

“Pyrite’s mommy had a word with him,” I said.

Luna snorted. “Amusing. So what actually happened?”

“That is what actually happened,” I said. “Momma Tintaglia’s dragonesses kidnapped me as I was being taken to a cell and dragged me all the way back to her lair, where Pyrite keeps his hoard. She ended up adopting me as thanks for saving her son’s mind after I got Char to leave him. After I told her that Pyrite planned to bathe the world in fire to sate his greed, she told him to knock it off.”

“...I see.”

“I don’t believe that,” Felix said.

“Alright. Pyrite knocked Bahamut’s ass the fuck out and I put him into a permanent coma using the dream world.”

“How?” Luna asked.

“Using the defenders. We can go over it later.” Or maybe not. “Anyway, that’s the extremely barebones story of how I kinda accidentally saved the world after accidentally almost fucking it all up. Story of my life. Oh, and Aqua also slapped me around several times that trip.”

“Because she’s a mean bully,” Flo said.

“Exactly, because she’s a mean bully.”

“Who’s the bully now?” Aqua asked from the bubble.

“Still you,” Flo said. I couldn’t keep a smug smile off my face.

“You’re just agreeing with Nav because you want back inside of her!”

“Not so,” Flo said. “But I understand that you prefer thinking that to realizing the truth of how cruel you can be.”

“Fuckin’ burn,” I said, lifting a hand up for Flo to high-five.

Before her tendril of water could reach me, another one shot out of the bubble and slapped it away. “DENIED!” Aqua shouted.

“See there?” Flo said. “Classic bully.”

“Stop fighting, children,” Brook’s voice said.

I moved my hand back for Flo to slap it. She did so with no difficulties this time. I am so surprised you’re actually letting me say all of this about you.

“Once again, I am feeling the waters,” she said. “Learning where the opinions of all the others stand. When I have everything planned out properly, your behavior will improve.”

“So when do you think the forest will try something else?” one of the redshirts asked.

“Probably right the fuck now, since you had to jinx it,” I replied. We all looked around, but nothing was actually changing. There was now a fire completely covering the forest to our right and the tornado across the crater was probably at least a category three and seemed to be picking up speed fairly rapidly.

“Hah!” the redshirt shouted. “See there, my lady? It’s not always—” All the trees on our left shrunk back into the ground, giving the tornado a much easier way of getting to us. “...Oh. What’s the correct human phrase for this, my lady?”

“God dammit,” I said. “Or maybe fuck. Possibly something like please rub my belly. Depends on context, really. Twilight, can you kill that thing?”

“If it was closer, yes. But by the time it actually gets to us? I’m… honestly not sure. I can beat smaller tornados without the amulet. I can beat larger ones with it. But I don’t think I could beat the largest.”

“Luna?”

“I can probably defeat any tornado. Whether or not I will be useful afterwards is the question. Your alicorn amulet will not affect me, so that is not an option.”

“You said my alicorn amulet won’t affect you. Is there more than one?”

“I misspoke,” she said. “The alicorn amulet does not affect alicorns. I’m surprised my sister let you keep such an artifact.”

“So am I, to be honest. A lot of her judgments involving me were not sound.”

“Indeed. I’m confident that between all the unicorns we have here, we can defeat any tornado with no real issue. That would likely be the only way for us to safely stop an extremely powerful tornado.”

“I would really prefer picking up the pace and avoiding it entirely, but a part of me suspects that’s a little too much to ask.”

“We’re gonna need a break soon as it is,” Watcher said. “We’re all in good shape, but that’s not saying much when it comes time to run a few kilometers while wearing armor and carrying supplies.”

“I’m really not sure I’m all that comfortable stopping for long out here,” I said. “We can if you guys need it, but I’d really prefer to avoid it.”

“I’m doing just fine, mommy!” Taya happily said.

“Of course you are,” I replied. “You’re my cute little cherry blossom, after all.” She giggled in glee.

“I’m not comfortable with it either,” Watcher said. “But if we keep going at this pace, we’ll be dropping like flies soon.” God dammit.

“I might have a solution,” Twilight said. “I’m not sure how useful it would be here, but we could draw a circle of protection.”

“Which is?”

“Semi-ritualistic magic,” Luna replied. “Like the body-swapping spell. It requires a complex figure to be drawn into the ground and then infused with magic. The figure then acts as a conduit for your magic, taking the shape of whatever rune you carved. In this case, it would act as a large shield. It protects against considerably more than this standard shield, but it’s also static.”

“What does that mean in this context?” Flo asked.

“That it can’t move,” Twilight said.

Luna nodded. “Once a symbol is activated, moving it shatters the spell. In the case of a one-off ritual like the body-swap, that isn’t an issue. When it comes to a shield, it’s considerably more problematic.”

“What if you put it on a cart?” I asked.

“Doesn’t work,” Twilight said. “Or rather, it will work, but it’ll break once you move the cart.”

“Will it work again when the cart stops?”

“Not a protection circle,” Luna said. “My sister and I tried several things to get mobile circles of protection on the battlefield.”

“Why didn’t you use one of those against the changelings in that fort?” Watcher asked.

“We did. Unfortunately, circles of protection have max sizes and they can’t overlap, so we couldn’t use them everywhere. They also stop at the dirt, so you can’t use them to stop underground attacks. Shields are more malleable.”

“How long would it take to draw and activate?” I asked.

“A couple of minutes,” Twilight said.

“Then I’m calling for a stop,” I said. Everyone started slowing down. “Draw the circle. We’ll rest for a few minutes, but I don’t want anybody losing their edge. Keep alert.”

Luna hoofed the ground a few times before shrugging her shoulders. “I would like to take this time to scout.”

“Stay within sight and be prepared to teleport back immediately.”

“I won’t be able to teleport within the circle of protection,” she said.

“Then you’re staying here,” I replied as I finally slid off her back. As soon as I was down, Kat reclaimed her spot on my arm.

“As you wish, Nav,” Luna quietly said. Instead, she walked over to Twilight, who was drawing in the dirt.

“Spike, make sure the princess gets some food in her,” I said.

“I’m not a hatchling,” PG sullenly replied.

“If the way these guys treat me is any indication for how nobles and princesses are usually treated, you’re lucky that’s all I’m asking him to do.”

Her eyes moved to Kat on my arm and the spot I just vacated on Luna. After a few seconds of thought, she sighed. “Fair enough.”

“That goes for you too, mommy!” Taya said, helpfully floating a cookie in front of me. I nommed it right out of the air because I’m honestly shameless.

“We’re both defs gonna need some real food soon, though,” I said. “Since, you know, we threw up breakfast when we got into the crater.”

“Over here, Nav,” OG called. She and Spike were laying out charcoal from one of Spike’s bags. “We packed enough provisions between the two of us to make some pretty decent stuff.”

“Why?” PG asked. “Carrying rations would be much easier.”

“I bet a fancy princess like you’s never had to eat travel fare before,” OG replied. “Me, I ain’t gonna go fightin’ ghosts after eating nothing but shitty rations. I don’t know what Sunny does to the provisions she gives us, but that stuff tastes awful as soon as the ship isn’t in sight anymore.”

“Real food is better,” Spike said. He finally laid out the last of coal they had and hit it with a burst of flame. “So we’re gonna cook some real quick.”

“And I’m going to join you,” I said. “I prefer a real fire to these heat spells, anyway.”

“It’s just meat, though,” Gilda said when Taya joined me.

“I don’t mind,” my daughter said. “I’m not hungry anyway!”

“So how’s it feel?” Spike asked. “Being part plant, that is.”

“It feels great!” she said. “I have so much energy during the day now. I did kinda fall asleep in the middle of something a few nights ago, though…”

“Yeah, that happens,” I said, tousling her mane. “We have a fairly strict bedtime during fall and winter, unfortunately. Otherwise, being extra flammable has been nothing but great.”

“Even though you basically starved yourself down to nothing?” Spike asked.

“Yes.”

“We’re working on that,” Taya said. “She’s finally filling out.”

“It makes certain things more entertaining,” Kat quietly said, one of her paws reaching down to grope me.

“How long is this going to take to cook?” I asked.

“Five to ten minutes,” Gilda said. “We just brought a few steaks.”

“Steaks? How did you keep them cold?”

“Crushed wendigo teeth,” Spike said. “They keep things fresh for ages.”

“Neat. I’m gonna make the rounds real quick and check on everyone, make sure we’re all doing good.”

“Why?” Spike asked. “We don’t exactly have much space to work with. Aqua may be a fat bully, but she’s not fat enough to give us enough room to really spread out. You could just look around.”

“We all hate Aqua, but let’s not go instigating things,” I said. “And the reason half of these people have followed me all across the world, to hell and back, is because I take time for the personal touch.”

“Can you word that in a way that doesn’t sound perverted?” OG asked.

“Why?”

She shrugged. “I just wanna see if you can. I know what you mean.”

“Then go fuck yourself. Kat, Taya, stay here. I won’t be long.”

“Do I gotta?” Taya sighed. Kat, knowing her place, sat down next to Spike.

“As Spike just pointed out, we don’t have much space to work with.” A quick look around proved that everyone was bunching up in small groups. Most groups were eating. A smaller number of them were setting small fires. “I slink a lot better than you do.”

“Get out of that habit,” Kat said. “You’re our lady. You shouldn’t slink about. That’s why you have me.”

“Yeah, yeah. See you guys in a few.” My first stop was Twilight and Luna, who were working together to draw something in the dirt. “How’s it going?”

“The shield will be up momentarily,” Luna said. “I heard them mention meat.”

“You really shouldn’t be eating much of that,” Twilight said. “We can’t digest it well. Honestly, I can’t see how you stand it at all.”

“It is an acquired taste for us prey,” she replied. “When you’re trapped underground for a month and your only options for sustenance are mushrooms and whatever creatures you can find, you will understand.”

“You couldn’t teleport out?” Twilight asked.

“It was a dog prison in China,” she said. “They build their maximum security prisons in magical gem mines. No teleporting in or out. No scrying in or out, either.”

“How the hell did you get arrested by dogs?” I asked.

“I didn’t. Celestia sent me to kill a prisoner they were holding. The maps we had were outdated and after a fight with a particularly fearsome underground predator, half the tunnels around me collapsed.”

“Why kill a prisoner?” Twilight asked.

“To stop him from talking.”

“Why not break him out?”

“Because he was only arrested after our first assassination attempt failed. Celestia sent me after that, because I do not fail.” She pressed her horn against the rune. It lit up with a flash and a dark green bubble covered us. “It is done.”

“Why green?” I asked. “Your magic is usually blue.”

“It’s the medium of our rune,” Twilight said. “Different substances give different colors. Dirt is nature-oriented, so the shield becomes green.”

“Huh. Neat. Get some rest while you can, girls. We still have a long trek ahead of us.”

“That’s the plan,” Twilight said. She looked up at the waters hovering above us. “The circle will block the smoke. You can relax for now.” They finally dropped their bubble shape and began mingling.

“That seems strange,” I said. “Why would it block smoke?”

“Because we drew it to,” Luna said. “I believe I will join the princess’s group. Those steaks are sizzling quite nicely…”

“Make them save one for me.” She bowed for a moment before walking off. “What are you gonna do?” I asked Twiggles.

“I am going to take more samples. You’re free to join me if you’d like!”

“Samples of what?”

“Everything. I’ve tried to get a piece of each tree we’ve run into, a few scoops of dirt every few dozen meters, and anything else I can find that seems unusual.”

“Well, I’m gonna keep making the rounds. Don’t go outside of the shield alone.”

“Of course. That would defeat the point. Please don’t let Taya eat any meat.”

“I don’t plan on it. Talk to you in a few, Twiggles.”

She (physically) pulled me down for a kiss. When she was done, she let me go with a big grin. “Yep! Now let’s see, what am I missing…?” She wandered off, looking around for anything else to loot. We’ll make an adventurer out of her yet.

“She’s not murder-happy enough,” Aqua said. “Or a hobo, for that matter.”

Not all adventurers are murderhobos. Just the best ones.

My next stop was Watcher’s little group, which was comprised of him, Zecora (who was sitting right up against him), Sentinel (who was sending quick, jealous glances toward Zecora when she thought nobody was looking), Brook, and Char. Zecora was actually using Char’s body to roast a stalk of corn, which I thought was kinda neat.

“Wanna join the circle, my lady?” Watcher asked.

“Just making the rounds, checking on everyone. What are your thoughts so far, Watcher?”

“I was fairly concerned when the fires started, but it looks like there was no reason to be. Between Twilight, Luna, and your daughter, you honestly might not need the rest of us.”

“Magic is stupid overpowered,” I said. “To be quite honest, if I were building an army, I would probably make my primary attacking force full of as many unicorns as I could, with pegasi to act as flankers and harriers and earth ponies to act as either a spear wall or for logistics.”

“...Spear wall?” Char asked. “That sounds interesting.”

“You ever hear of a phalanx?” I asked.

“I’m afraid not.”

“Guess you guys didn’t get too much human knowledge. A phalanx was an old-school army formation. It involved several rows of soldiers. Everyone in the front row would lock their shields together and lower their spears over the shields. The next few ranks would also lower their spears. Every time someone on the front line died or grew tired, the man behind him would take his place. The goal was to create a large, impenetrable wall of shields and spears.”

“I certainly wouldn’t want to charge it,” Watcher said. “We don’t really have enough troops here to pull anything like that off, though.”

“I’d only ever recommend a phalanx in a standoff, where it’s one army against another,” I said. “Of course, I’d also never recommend getting into such a standoff. Generally speaking, the goal of any military leader should be to avoid large-scale confrontation to begin with, since it’s easy to use magic to raze a huge amount of soldiers when they’re clumped together well enough. Better to use delaying and guerrilla tactics to knock their numbers down as quickly and often as possible, so you destroy their morale and unit cohesiveness. Obfuscating your own dead also helps.”

Sentinel actually giggled. “Poor Shining Armor never knew what hit him!”

“He moped about it for months, too,” Watcher said. “Most of the day guards did, but he was the worst.”

“Apparently he actually pissed himself when I tore his throat out with my teeth.”

“He sure did,” Watcher said. “Right in front of a good number of his troops, too. The screaming and crying didn’t do him any favors, either.”

“I didn’t know that part. Kinda makes me feel bad now. But only kinda.”

“Don’t!” Luna called from across the shield. “Fuck that stallion!” Even the ex-princess is appropriating my human naughty words, now. Nice.

“I sense a story there,” Char said. “Some manner of practice bout, I assume?”

“You assume correctly,” I said. “I’m gonna keep making rounds. Don’t get too comfortable. I want to get out of here soon.”

“You got it, ma’am,” Watcher said.

Most of the other groups were redshirts with no real importance. Once I was done pretending to be a good leader by talking to everyone, I rejoined my daughter and Kat by Spike’s fire. As soon as I sat down, a plate with a monster steak was thrust into my hands.

“No way in hell am I going to be able to eat all of this,” I said. “What animal did this even come from?”

“What am I, a bestiary?” OG asked. “I don’t know what the hell that thing was. It’s delicious, though.”

“How sure are you that it’s safe to eat?” She shrugged, then tore another bite off of hers. “Eh, I’m immune to disease and poison anyway. Fuck it.”

PG snorted softly. “A part of me is surprised that you know what a bestiary even is, Gilda.”

“A part of me is surprised you haven’t been smacked in the mouth more, Gilda,” OG replied.

I didn’t have a dog in that half-cat fight, so I started eating my steak. As OG said, it was pretty fucking dank.

“Can I try it?” Taya asked.

“Twilight said I couldn’t give you meat,” I replied.

“B-but… Twilight isn’t my mommy! You are!”

“That’s correct. She said I couldn’t give you any, but she didn’t say Luna or Kat couldn’t.”

“But I want some of yours!”

After taking a quick second to look for any easily disgruntled purple mares, I pulled out a knife, cut off a small slice, and tossed it at her. She caught it in her mouth and started chewing. “Nobody is allowed to tell Twilight,” I said.

“Or what?” PG asked.

“Or you can kiss your bellyrubs goodbye. And everything else, for that matter.”

“...Or what?” Spike asked. “I mean, you’re already beating me up all the time.”

“Only because you’re being a disrespectful asshole who refuses to accept your friend’s stated boundaries, no matter what you think said boundaries might actually be. If you’d stop being a selfish and holier-than-thou piece of shit who thinks he knows what’s best for me and at least pretended to care about what I want, I wouldn’t be beating you.”

“I… Huh.”

“To actually answer your question, I’ll make you spar against Luna.”

“You can’t make me spar,” Spike said.

“Fine. I’ll tell Luna to beat you up instead. Then when she gets bored, I’ll let Kat to take a turn.”

“There wouldn’t be much left,” Luna said.

“Then I’ll let Kat go first. Point is, anyone who tells Twiggles is going to regret it, even if they won’t have long to regret it. Anyway, how’s it taste?”

“Absolutely awful,” Taya said, gagging slightly. OG and PG both giggled at her suffering.

“And that is why cute little prey shouldn’t eat meat,” Spike said.

“What was that?” Luna asked with her mouth full of steak.

“You were Equestria’s sword,” I said. “You stopped being prey a long time ago.”

“Well, I am your sword now,” she smugly said.

“This is my sword,” I said, patting Excalibur. “You are my vassal.”

Kat giggled. “Our lady doesn’t like it when we refer to ourselves as her objects.”

“Hm. There were times my sister preferred it. I suppose it made her job easier.”

“Yeah, well, your sister is an evil cunt-canoe who’s going to get what’s coming to her,” I replied. “So don’t waste much time thinking about her.”

“That sounds ominous,” PG slowly said.

“Yeah, I bet,” I replied, just before taking another bite of the awesome steak.

“...So what are your plans involving Celestia?” she asked.

“A coup,” Luna happily replied. “We’re going to assassinate her as violently and painfully as possible.” The princess’s mouth dropped.

“So how about we don’t go around telling everybody under the sun what our plans are?” I asked.

“Why would she care?” Luna asked. “She’s a griffin. They hate me and Celestia more than any race except the dragons, these days. Moreover, she’s unwed griffin royalty. With Celestia dead and you in her place, you should consider marrying Princess Gilda. Tying Equestria to Gryphonia would increase your power and legitimacy as a ruler, as well as give you more permanent access to the Crystal Empire.”

“Access to the Crystal Empire won’t be a problem,” I said. “I literally will not take no as an answer. If they try to stop me, I’ll eradicate them.”

“You’re welcome to try,” OG said. “We’ll kick your ass all up and down the continent!”

“No you won’t,” Spike said. “Nav would probably have Gryphus conquered in an afternoon. She’d be halfway to the Crystal Empire before the first week was done.”

“There wouldn’t be any conquering going on,” I replied. “I would just have Luna and Taya completely raze city after city with magic until they surrender or there no longer was a Gryphonia. Without a high enough concentration of unicorns defending the cities, they would be rubble in hours.”

“More like minutes,” Luna said. “Especially after I get your daughter up to speed on some of the more potent, forbidden combat spells.”

“...You wouldn’t dare,” PG said.

“Yes I would. But it’s a moot point, because you won’t give me a reason to do it. And if you do, it’ll be a quick and easy show of power to the rest of the world about why defying me would be a poor life choice. But if you’d prefer, I can send assassins instead. Unlike whoever’s currently targeting you, I would only have to send one, and she would murder your entire family one by one until whoever ends up king or queen gives me what I want.” Kat giggled, though the two griffins didn’t look all that amused. “It’ll be a very quick show of gunboat diplomacy.”

“I haven’t heard that phrase,” Luna said.

“That’s probably because you guys don’t have guns. A hundred or two years before my time, there was one country called America and another island country called Japan. America had a lot of military power and technology. Japan had a lot of very expensive trade goods, but they were so isolationist that getting access to those goods was difficult. So America sent in boats armed to the teeth with guns that fired huge explosive shells into the Japanese coastal towns until Japan agreed to open their borders. Thus, gunboat diplomacy.”

“Sounds barbaric,” PG coldly said.

“Oh, absolutely. But barbarism is often the quickest and most effective route to get what you want,” I replied. “It leaves much to be desired, but it most definitely works. Like I said, though, it won’t matter since nobody will try to stop me from getting to the Crystal Empire.”

“That is correct,” PG said. “Your threats are unnecessary.”

“What threats?” I asked. “I was just stating facts.”

Her beak tightened for a moment before she relaxed. “I couldn’t help but notice that you glossed over your vassal’s mention of marriage.”

“The fat mare ain’t done singin’ yet. No reason to go planning too far ahead. Besides, it might well end up being unnecessary with a few of the other ideas I had.”

“Such as?” PG asked.

“There’s also no reason to go around spoiling things.” Especially not to people who probably won’t end up in my cabinet. “Anyway, I’d be somewhat hesitant to marry someone who will only have a fraction of my life.”

“Why?” Luna asked. “I’ve done it plenty of times. My sister used my hoof in marriage as a bargaining chip more than once. Sometimes I pretended to love them until they died and sometimes I didn’t even bother. It’s not like they were under any pretenses of our true intentions. It’s pure politics, and in terms of making friends with nearby nations, Gryphonia is probably your best bet given that Moonbeam and Cadance are already firmly in your camp. Though once Shining Armor and Princess Gilda die of old age, you should consider marrying Cadance. Getting a ring around a royal alicorn’s horn would do more for your legitimacy as a ruler in Equestria than marrying a royal griffin.”

“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen,” I said. “I’d sooner marry Queen Moonie. She’s an ex-alicorn, after all.”

“And I may or may not have a fraction of your life span soon,” PG said. “Once I test the recipe your daughter is going to give me on a few animals, I plan to make my own potion of everlasting life.”

“It’s not a potion of everlasting life,” Taya said. “It’s a potion to turn you into a mad… something. I don’t remember what Athena called them. A tree sister, basically.”

“Madremonte,” Luna replied. “It is not a fate I would wish on any, truth be told. We only did it to Navarone because her other option at the time was death. Those who undergo that change become something… different over time. Thankfully, Nav will likely have enough time to enact the changes she desires in the world before she becomes completely apathetic to sapient animal life.”

“...I thought you and your sister didn’t know anything about what I would become,” I slowly said.

“We don’t know much,” she said. “I was friends with a madremonte once, but that was before my exile. I don’t know if she’s still alive or not.”

“Was she a mushroom lady?” I asked.

“No, she was a tree sister. Did you run into a mushroom sister?”

“I did. She was super weird. Am I going to end up looking something like that?”

“I don’t know. As I said, I only knew one and she wasn’t very forthcoming.”

“Hm…”

Taya happily sighed and leaned up against me. “Don’t worry, mommy! You’ll always have me!”

“Sure will,” I said, wrapping my arm around her. It made eating the steak slightly more difficult, but it was worth it.

By the time everyone had a chance to recuperate, the tornado was more than halfway to us and looked about half a kilometer wide. It was still probably a kilometer away and we could hear its horrifically loud roar as soon as the protective circle was dispelled.

“There’s no way I’ll be able to stop that thing alone,” Twilight said when we began moving again.

“Even I would be hard-pressed to do it alone,” Luna said. “Not and still be useful afterwards. It’s surprising how much power it takes to stop something of that magnitude.”

“Not very surprising to me,” I said from my unwanted spot on Luna’s back. “Stopping a half-kilometer wide force of nature that’s spinning at around four hundred kilometers an hour and throwing burning sticks so hard that they can go through sheer rock doesn’t sound any kind of easy to me.”

“Well when you put it like that…” Twilight muttered.

“You have quite the way with words, my lady,” Watcher said. “You know, sometimes. When you feel like it.”

“Who’s chattering now?” I asked.

“I follow your glorious example, ma’am,” he replied. “If you do it, it must be acceptable.”

“Damn right. Now you’re getting it! So what’s our plan for killing this tornado? It’ll probably start flinging debris at us pretty soon.”

“We could use a casting circle,” Twilight said. “We have eight unicorns here. Not quite a full complement, but it would be enough to make the circle worth it.”

“Define that for those of us who don’t know dick about magic,” I said.

“You know how unicorns can meld magic if they work together properly?” Twilight asked. I nodded. “Well, when unicorns don’t have much practice melding flows with each other, a lot of magical energy is wasted. The end result is still more powerful than each unicorn individually, but there’s a large amount of waste. The casting circle greatly reduces the waste, synergizing the unicorns more effectively.”

“So why didn’t we just draw one at the hole we knocked through the wall, then use it to teleport everybody down to the smaller dome?” I asked.

“Because we can’t teleport the elementals,” she replied. “I’ve tried and it doesn’t seem to work for some reason.”

“What’s the max number of unicorns per circle?” I asked.

“Eleven.”

“How long will it take to draw?”

“Each unicorn will have to draw his or her own part of the circle,” Luna said. “All in all, it should take less than five minutes.”

“Then start drawing,” I said. “We make our stand here.”

“One small problem,” Watcher said. “I think Sentinel and I are the only ones of us that know how to draw one. Even then, I’m the only one that’s ever actually done it.”

“I hope the rest of your troops are fast studies.” I slid off Luna’s back again and immediately had a catgirl draped around one of my arms. “If we don’t deal with that thing, it’ll pretty much eradicate us.”

“No, just the elementals,” Luna said. “We should have enough magical power to get the rest of us away.”

Hm, what a shame that would be. “Get to drawing.” All of the unicorns started congregating around Luna and Twilight and they began doing their thing. I walked over to Flo and asked, “So how’s that hacking coming?”

“It’s going well. Do you truly believe they will be able to destroy that thing?”

“Of course. Do you doubt them?”

She sighed and caressed my cheek. “I just worry for your safety, Nav. If they were to exhaust themselves, you would be trapped here.”

“Honestly? I really doubt it. I’m almost one hundred percent positive they would conserve enough energy to teleport just me away in a worst case scenario. Of course, I’d never forgive them for doing it, but it’s not like it would matter since they would all be dead.”

“...You would never forgive them for saving your life?” she asked.

“I will never abandon my daughter, my crew, my vassals, or my friends. If that means I die as well, so be it.”

Aqua snorted, since she was standing near Flo. “That’s foolish. You’re considerably more important than anyone else here. Why shouldn’t they make sure you survive? That’s their duty as your servants.”

Flo chose to ignore that and replied with, “You truly do exemplify nobility, Nav. In some ways, at least. Your loyalty to those you surround yourself with is remarkable.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty great. So what do you and your sisters think we’ll find in the bunker?”

“Three of us believe we will find nothing but despair. Five believe we will find many ancient human artifacts, though they don’t believe any will still be operational. Two believe we’ll end up turning back before we find anything of value. One believes this whole trip is a fool’s errand. Brook and I believe we will find what you seek.”

“Not exactly much of a vote of confidence, but I’m glad you and Brook don’t think this is a waste of time.”

“Oh, you misunderstand,” she said. “None of us believe this is a waste of time. Even fool’s errands can provide some information or insight. If we should only discover that the bunker is empty of anything of value, at least we can finally put the matter to rest and spread the word so that no more lives are lost attempting to seek ancient treasure.”

“Nobody would believe us. They’d all think we were just trying to keep the loot for ourselves. If anything, I’d imagine it would increase the number of people trying it.”

“Hm, perhaps. I don’t know how any of us could believe there’s nothing of value in there. If Felix was able to gather artifacts that netted him a tidy profit, I’m confident that we will, if nothing else, find enough items to make you considerably richer.”

“Well, no offense to you, but…” I looked straight at Aqua for the next part, which made her turn blood red. “...I have serious doubts about the intelligence, sanity, and capability of some of your sisters.” That said, I turned my eyes back to the pink Flo, who was now smirking.

“No offense taken,” she sweetly replied. “I couldn’t possibly imagine which of us you mean by that, though!”

“Uh huh. So do we have any clue where Aerie is at the moment? I’m pretty sure she didn’t join us.”

“No clue at all, I’m afraid,” Flo replied. “We’ll probably need to talk to Pinkie to track her down.”

“Pass. Half the time I talk to her, I end up wanting to strangle her. The other half of the time, we end up fucking each others brains out.”

“I assumed that would be a roll of the dice you would be quick to make,” Aqua said with a smirk. “After all, it seems you only ever have sex or violence on the mind.”

“Do you mind?” I said. “I’m talking with my favorite elemental here. You were not invited to this conversation.”

“You seem to encourage discussion from your other associates. Why am I any different?”

“Because Nav doesn’t like you,” Flo said. “Duh. She actually likes me and the others!” Aqua angrily sniffed and finally slithered off to be somebody else’s problem. “I really shouldn’t help you antagonize her, but it’s honestly a lot more fun than it should be.”

“That’s probably because I’m a bad influence on you.”

“Probably. You do tend to corrupt everything, don’t you?”

“Yep. I blame it on my caustic personality and pessimistic outlook.”

She smiled. “If it makes you feel any better, you’re the best host I’ve ever had.”

Oh, Flo… Why did I ever let your sisters turn me against you? “I’m sure you say that to all of them.”

“No, all of my hosts knew that their place was to live and die for me as their protector and goddess. Working with you has been a life-changing experience. Once, I thought water elementals should lead the mortal races. Now, I believe we should serve the mortal races.” Hear that, Aqua?

“Well, someone has to look out for them,” I said.

“...Them?” she slowly asked.

“The mortal races.”

She smirked. “I believe you forget that you are one of them, Nav…”

“I’m just a magical automaton. I’m as immortal as Discord himself.”

“Well, once you get your soul—”

“I’ll be half-tree, destined to become an immortal fey.”

Her smile disappeared. “Nav…”

“What? I’m not bemoaning my fate. It just means I need to get everything in order before I become incapable of caring. Then I’ll retire with my daughter.” Assuming Aqua lets me, of course.

“You seem… oddly at ease with it.”

“Well, it’s marginally better than dying and it’s a hell of a lot better than being attached to Discord forever. So, given my other options, I don’t see why I wouldn’t be at ease.”

Her head tilted. “Something has changed in you, Nav. You seem… different. Are you feeling well?”

Before Aqua could come up with a way to tell her to fuck off, Twilight started yelling at everybody. “Back away from the circle, please! Once we get started, any non-unicorn within a three meter radius will be vaporized instantly.” That definitely made everyone beat feet, hooves, paws, and talons away from them.

“There’s no way that shit is OSHA approved,” I said. “Who designed that circle?”

“Reality,” Luna said. “I’m afraid magic is as it is, Nav. What is OSHA?”

“Don’t worry about it. How long should this take?”

“Not very,” she replied. “With the extra influx of strength, I’ll go ahead and immolate the entire crater after the tornado is gone. With luck, it’ll melt the inner dome and destroy the fortifications around the bunker itself.”

“Whoa now,” I said. “Felix, is there anything in the fortress we might want to loot?”

“Compared to what’s in the bunker? No.”

“Okay, how about this time, you actually answer my question? Is there anything in the fortress we might want to loot?”

“...Yes.”

I looked back to Luna. “Don’t burn the mountain down just yet.”

“Got it. I’ll use toxic vapors instead.”

“How’s it gonna penetrate the inner dome?” I asked.

She pursed her lips for a moment. “Can we immolate just a little bit of the crater?”

“How selective can you get?”

“As selective as you want.”

“Burn everything but us and the ice dome to a crisp, including the very air itself if you can. The nanites are obviously in the weather as well, somehow. With luck, fire will cleanse them and make getting to the center easier. We’ll hold off on the toxic vapors for now.”

“As you wish,” she replied. “But we won’t be able to draw another circle for at least a week. And as soon as we move, the circle we’ve drawn will disappear entirely. So if you were hoping to wait until we got closer to draw another one…”

“Anything living in there is going to be fueled by nanites. They’ll be immune to toxins anyway. Most of us aren’t and I don’t want that shit seeping into the bunker. We’ll deal with the fortress when we get to it. Hell, it can’t be that big. The inner dome is only half a kilometer wide and according to Felix, most of that is empty space.”

“Then I shall show restraint,” she replied, bowing her head. “We begin at your command.”

“Do it.” A part of me really wishes I didn’t have to order you to save yourself from a giant tornado, but I guess that’s my lot.

Luna walked to the center of the circle, facing the tornado. The others surrounded her. She took a moment to exhale, closing her eyes and relaxing. “One.” Her horn lit up. “Two.” All the rest of their horns lit up. “Three.” The circle burned bright blue. “Four.” Luna slowly lifted off the ground, held up by magic. “Five.” Her eyes opened, glowing a cold blue. “Six.” The unicorns surrounding her lifted off the ground. “Seven.” All of their eyes began glowing blue as well. “Eight.”

The circle expanded three meters on all sides and then pulsed. My ears popped and everybody else flinched. Glowing runes began drifting between the unicorns. After several seconds of waiting, glowing gears began appearing around Luna. Each gear began interlocking with the others and started to turn. I heard eight slow chimes. The howling of the tornado stopped. My mouth dropped.

“Holy shit,” Flo whispered, eyes wide.

“Don’t see that every day,” Kat said.

“Shoulda brought a camera,” Spike said.

“Camera? We shoulda brought Dash! No way she’ll believe this!” OG said.

“...So can we discuss that marriage option again?” PG asked.

They… froze the tornado in time. All of the debris was hanging in the air, suspended in the time field.

“Cover your eyes,” Luna quietly said. “It’s going to get bright.” Everybody quickly did so, though I really kinda wanted to see what happened next.

After almost a minute, one of the waters patted my shoulder. “It’s over,” Flo whispered.

I looked up and around. The entire crater, minus the inner dome, was now coated in a thick layer of ash. Talk about your nuclear option. The unicorns were still floating, though the seven around Luna were beginning to descend. Once they were down, Luna fell back to the ground. When her hooves were in place, she closed her eyes again. The circle, magical gears, and runes all disappeared.

Luna snorted a cloud of blue smoke from her nose and opened her eyes again. “It is done.”

Scoria and Silence both collapsed. The water elementals shot to their sides. “Magical coma, probably,” Twilight said. “They’ll need to be teleported back to the ship.”

“Do you still have enough energy?” I asked.

“Easily,” Luna replied. “Alicorns do not tire so quickly.”

“You can suck your own dick later. Flo, are they okay?”

“They are alive, but unresponsive,” she said. “It is okay to move them.”

“Send them back to the ship,” I said. Luna and Twilight’s horns lit up and both unicorns teleported off. “Taya, lead the way.”

“Of course, mommy!” she said.

“Oh, and sweetie? Clear the ashes, too. Mommy doesn’t want to sully her boots.” She giggled and obeyed. My procession continued moving toward the icey inner dome.

The silence loomed heavily in the air. For now, the crater was finally still around us.