While growing up, Flurry often heard her aunt Twilight complaining that her wings wouldn’t let her sleep, getting in the way whenever she wanted to turn. Flurry, being born an alicorn, usually didn’t have such problems. This morning, however, it was different.

The stiffness in her joints felt like it was going to kill her. Her wings were sore and numb. She had a horrible headache, made even worse by her telepathy going into overdrive for some reason – she felt like she heard a faint echo of the thoughts of everyone in town. What was worse, for some reason her fur was wet and a chill breeze in the room made her shiver.

“Where am I?” she muttered.

“In the shower. Tell me, Flurry, why do you have to have standards?”

Flurry opened her eyes and saw Princess Luna standing in front of her. She gasped and backpedalled, banging her head against the tap. A bottle of shampoo fell on her and landed in front of Luna’s hooves.

“What standards?” Flurry blurted out.

“Don’t tell me you don’t remember.” Luna rolled her eyes. “Just because the guy threw up just when you were going to kiss him doesn’t mean you can storm off like that.”

“What?”

“Especially since Precious Gem didn’t mind,” Luna said. “She does that funny thing with her wings, you know, just before the guy comes she grabs his–”

“I don’t want to hear about this!” Flurry exclaimed, cowering as her voice echoed across her skull. “And I don’t want to have anything to do with a guy who throws up on me!”

“Shame,” Luna replied. “Aside from that little detail, I must say that he did quite well. You should–”

“No,” Flurry replied. “That wouldn’t be very princesslike.”

Luna furrowed her eyebrows. “Pardon, but I think I have bigger experience on what is princesslike and what is not. Although I am ashamed to admit that after coming back from the moon, my standards lowered a lot. I pretty much regret most of the stallions I had sexual congress with in the first two years after coming back. And later, King Thorax.”

Flurry’s eyes widened. “King Thorax?”

“Do not bother,” Luna replied. “This baker’s son is much more passionate. You can just ask Precious Gem.”

“I’d rather not.” Flurry shuddered. “Why do you even sneak here and watch them have sex? Or why did you want to watch me?”

“Oh, sometimes I just get the previews, especially when someone’s mind was altered by chemicals,” Luna replied. “Eat enough brownies and you can accidentally get a threesome with me, I am afraid. It is terribly inconvenient when you have a meeting with your subjects and behind the wall a Lunar Guard high on fermented mango juice is, as you young ponies say, fadoodling the hoofmaiden like there is no tomorrow…”

Flurry covered her ears. “Auntie Luna, please… Do my parents know that you’re telling me about this?”

Luna smirked. “They do not have to. Besides, it is better to have some theoretical knowledge, before engaging in some basket-making with a stallion and if you have any questions–”

“Basket-making?!” Flurry exclaimed.

Luna shrugged. “I think they call it ‘making hooves for foal stockings’ these days.”

“By Celestia’s balls, why does my life have to be that way?” Flurry rolled her eyes. “Colts throw up on me and my crazy aunt is stalking me in the shower to tell me about the sex life of her guards.”

“Celestia’s balls?” Luna chuckled. “That’s a new one. I need to share it with her. Also, if that’s any consolation, Flash Sentry also had a bad night. He just woke up in the garbage bin near the bakery.”

Flurry froze. “What was he doing here?”

“Oh, be not afraid.” Luna winked. “After tasting the projectile that hit him, he is convinced that you are making weapons of mass destruction.”

“This doesn’t help,” Flurry muttered.

“It kind of does.” Luna smirked and ruffled Flurry’s mane. “Also, have you ever considered him as a partner? And tell me not about age difference. Pretty much all my partners are younger than me.”

“No, thanks,” Flurry replied. “I already convinced Sunburst that I’m in love with him–”

“Ah, I forgot you are no stranger to older partners,” Luna said. “How is he? It is really interesting that your mother also had those kind of dreams about him when she was younger. As far as I am aware, they–”

“I don’t want to know about this!” Flurry exclaimed, charging her horn and firing a spell at Luna. The older princess didn’t dodge; the spell went right through her and hit the wall, sending broken tiles and debris across the whole bathroom.

Luna looked at her chest and furrowed her eyebrows. “If this was my actual body and not an astral projection, I would be deeply disturbed. Was this the Battle Spell Number Fourteen from the Great Book of Terrific Battle Spells by Incendiary Device?”

“Yes.” Flurry blushed, avoiding Luna’s gaze.

“My sister can do a better one,” Luna replied. “If she fired it at me, the pieces of this house would be everywhere from here to Hoofington.”

Flurry furrowed her eyebrows.

“Cheer up,” Luna said. “You are not the first princess who fired a potentially lethal battle spell at someone else in a fit of rage. And probably not the last.” She looked at the hole in the wall. “I will better go. It seems that Rough Diamond just woke up and she has the hangover of her life.” With these words, she disappeared.

“Astral projection, huh?” Flurry muttered. “Next time I’m using the Battle Spell Number Eighteen, then. She’ll feel that even in Canterlot.”

The bathroom door opened and Rough Diamond walked in, dragging her hooves. She looked at the hole in the wall, then turned to Flurry and shrugged before walking to the toilet.

Flurry shuddered. “What are you gonna do there? I’m traumatised enough today without you taking a dump.”

“Don’t worry,” Rough Diamond muttered, leaning over the toilet to throw up.

“This doesn’t make it any better,” Flurry said, wincing. “Why does everyone keep throwing up when I’m around?”

“I don’t have an alicorn liver, you know.” Rough Diamond wiped her mouth and looked at the hole in the wall again. “Premature conjuration?” she asked.

“Princess Luna, don’t ask,” Flurry replied.

“Still better than my day so far,” Rough Diamond said. “I woke up on the couch with Pumpkin. Who gave her that black eye? Was it me?”

“Precious Gem, believe it or not.” Flurry sighed. “Guess I won’t become a supervillain anytime soon.”

“I seem to be missing some context.” Rough Diamond walked to the sink to get a sip of water.

“I’ll tell you later,” Flurry replied. “Now, we need to find–”

“Hello, girls!” Precious Gem walked into the bathroom. She was wearing a silk bathrobe and smoking a cigarette. “How’s your da–” She was rudely interrupted when the Battle Spell Number Fourteen flew past her head and made another hole in the wall. “What was that for?”

“Premature conjuration,” Flurry muttered.

Shining Armor took a sip of his coffee. Whatever Pinkie had put in the punch didn’t serve him well; or maybe it was the bottle of wine he drank with his wife and sister after most of the guests went home. He scratched his head and realised that there were at least three bottles, which would explain why Twilight was still snoring in her room. Shining also had a vague recollection of some earth mare who emerged from under the table when everyone was asleep and told him to help her drink the rest of the champagne or else it’d go to waste. The dull headache was a clear sign that he obliged.

He took another sip of his coffee, thinking that it’d be much easier to take if gods didn’t decide to punish him further and send Flash Sentry.

“I know this taste,” Flash said. “For some reason they are making armour-piercing cheesecake. They even attacked me with it when they found out that I saw them.”

Shining sighed. “Flash?”

“Yes?”

“Get out. That’s a royal order.” Shining looked at the coffee mug. “I’ll talk to Flurry about the armour-piercing cheesecake later. For now I have to–”

The door to Shining’s room burst open. Shining and Flash looked up and saw a chubby blue mare. For some reason, she looked rather furious; Shining felt that her gaze was piercing him and staring at his very soul. He suddenly understood why mailponies around Equestria were advised not to ask about Mrs. Cake.

“Excuse me,” she said, her voice dripping with ice. “I’d like to talk to you about the holes in my walls… Among other things, including a crystal pony throwing up in the bathroom and clogging the toilet.”

“Told you,” Flash said. “Armour-piercing cheesecake. It’s a surprise that they didn’t bring the whole house down.”

Shining raised his eyebrows. Mrs. Cake’s explanation, however, caused him to wake up everyone in the castle who was still asleep.

“FLURRY HEART!!!”

Shining paced around the room. Those who knew him as a sympathetic and somewhat harmless prince of the Crystal Empire with the voice of a surfer and the look of a used cart salespony, would be surprised if they saw him now in his full, royal grace.

“Okay,” he said. “I thought this little stunt in Manehattan was just a one-time thing. But now you gave the daughter of that crazy mare a black eye? What were you thinking?”

“That wasn’t me,” Flurry replied. “It was Precious Gem.”

“Precious Gem?” Shining raised his eyebrows. “Now you’re just lying to me. And who made holes in the bathroom wall? Princess Luna?”

Rough Diamond, who spent most of Shining’s initial rant covering her ears and trying not to throw up again, raised her hoof. “Well, actually–”

“I didn’t ask you for your opinion!” Shining exclaimed. “Also, I see that yet again, you’re Flurry’s partner in crime. Why is it always you two?”

“Well, the family legend goes that our mothers met during childbirth classes and it’s not like I had anything to say about this…” Rough Diamond froze, seeing Shining’s expression. “But you probably know this better, your highness.”

“Of course I do,” Shining rolled his eyes. “Now, what should I do? I’d send you two to some boarding school in the Griffish Isles, but I’m certain you’d burn it down in a week…”

“What did they burn down this time?”

Shining turned around and saw his wife walking down the stairs. Flurry noticed that he seemingly shrunk; he could look royal when he wanted, but he had no chance compared to Cadance, even if she had a ruffled mane and was wearing mismatched socks.

“Hi, mom,” Flurry muttered. “We didn’t burn anything down.”

“Still, Shining was probably heard in Griffonstone,” Cadance said. “From what I’ve heard, I managed to figure out you didn’t play poker this time.” She shook her head. “Remember, the fact that the colt you’ve rejected ended up with your friend is not the reason to blow up walls.”

“How do you know about it?” Flurry asked.

Cadance shrugged. “I don’t. I think I actually dreamed about it.”

Despite Shining’s screaming earlier, there were still several ponies in the castle and its surroundings that were asleep. This included Sunburst, lying on the floor after it turned out Starlight’s bed was too small for three ponies. Especially if one of them was Trixie who, when it came to kicking other ponies out of bed, had the skills of a cuckoo hatchling.

Suddenly, he heard something. He blinked, looking around to find his glasses. When he finally managed to put them on his nose, the first thing he saw was a blue leg hanging from the bed above him.

“What’s going on?” Sunburst asked.

“Oh, the Great and Powerful Trixie is pleased by your flattery,” a voice above him muttered. “Do go on.”

“Shut up.” Starlight unceremoniously pushed Trixie out of her bed, causing her to land on Sunburst. Starlight leaned over to see her two friends lying on the floor in a picturesque pose, resembling the Vitruvian Mare. “What’s going on?”

“I’ve heard something,” Sunburst replied, trying to free himself from under the snoring Trixie. “Something like Flurry screaming.”

“Do you think she’s in danger?” Starlight asked. “We have to help her, even though I’m already in my pajamas…”

Trixie raised her hoof. “Actually, you’re wearing Trixie’s cape.”

Sunburst chuckled. “Nah, I guess that would be the other way around.” He shrugged. “She was screaming someone’s name.”

“Oh, so she also had fun tonight.” Starlight smirked. “Speaking of, next time we need to ask Tempest to–”

“If she had fun, then I’d rather not imagine that,” Sunburst said. “It sounded awfully like ‘Luna!!!’.”

Flurry rested her hooves on the railing of the bridge and looked at her reflection in the river. “Screw this,” she muttered. “I’m going to become evil.”

“About time,” her reflection replied. “We were getting pretty bored here.”

“I need to find Pumpkin,” Flurry said. “She had some cool ideas before Precious Gem knocked her down. But first and foremost, I need Princess Luna in my torture chamber. Well, I don’t have a torture chamber yet, but we can always organise something. Should I start by torturing squirrels?”

“No, I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Her reflection sighed.

“Good. We like squirrels.”

“Yes, and it’s hard to clean up the mess.” Flurry’s reflection looked around. “And we think torturing Luna to death first is not the best move. Make her watch as you turn Equestria into a wasteland and, for example, kill off half of the population and force the other half to work in glue factories. And then, when they ask us why are we doing this, we’ll tell them that Luna is to blame for it. That’ll make her regret all those times she watched our dreams…”

“Huh.” Flurry looked around too, just in case someone was watching her. “Wait, shouldn’t there be some good Flurry here, who’d try to stop us from doing that? After all, half of the population...”

Her reflection smiled sheepishly. “The thing is, I am the good one.”

“Really?” Flurry asked. “But you just told me to kill half of Equestria…”

“Yeah, you don’t want to meet the evil one.” Flurry’s reflection chuckled. “I’m actually being merciful, you know. Even though we’re all hungover and mad.”

“Does she want us to kill everyone?” Flurry asked.

“Not really. She doesn’t like such a senseless waste of workforce and wants to enslave everyone, turning Equestria into an industrial powerhouse at the small price of slowly drowning all of us in toxic waste and suffocating us with fumes while the remnants of ponykind die of hunger. Whoever survives will be experimented on. Only the dead can know peace from this evil.” Flurry’s reflection shuddered. “But is this the future we want?”

Flurry nodded slowly. “Well, tell me more about the ‘industrial powerhouse’ part…”

“Flurry, are you okay?”

“Aargh!” Flurry exclaimed, firing a spell blindly. It hit a tree on the other side of the river, causing a somewhat singed pegasus mare to fall from it. The mare got up, looked at Flurry and yelled quite a few rude things, mostly centering on Princess Cadance’s attitude towards casual sex.

Flurry responded with quite an unprincesslike wing gesture and turned to the pony standing on the bridge behind her. To her surprise, she saw Pound Cake, smiling sheepishly at her.

“What do you want?” she asked.

“I just asked if you’re okay,” Pound replied. “Given that you just tried to evaporate Cloud Kicker, I don’t think so.”

“So this was Cloud Kicker?” Flurry turned back to take a look at the pegasus mare. “She really can’t catch a break whenever I’m in town, it seems. And I’m okay, I was just pondering whether I should wipe out the whole of Equestria, half of it, or just settle on a fate worse than death for everyone. Any ideas? Your sister already volunteered to be my second-in-command, so we can just as well include you in the team. After all, you threw up on me, so that’s almost like we’re married.”

“I’m sorry,” Pound said. “I didn’t mean to do that, but the brownies–”

“Yeah, we all know Precious Gem’s brownies.” Flurry smirked. “Some of us also know Precious Gem’s other features…”

Pound blushed. “Well, she does that thing with her wings, when– Uhh, why am I telling you this?”

“I have no idea,” Flurry replied. “If I wanted to know what she does with her wings, I’ll just ask her to teach me.” She shrugged. “Maybe if I’m really drunk.”

“Yeah, this could turn awkward, I guess.” Pound chuckled. “So, uhh, aside from murdering us all, do you have any other plans?”

“I don’t know,” Flurry replied. “Any ideas?”

“Well, I’m currently trying to stop my sister from plotting to get rid of Precious Gem,” Pound replied. “She mentioned something about being a part of the royal family and me wasting a lifetime opportunity.”

“Pumpkin seems pretty ambitious,” Flurry said. “Actually, have you tried some team-building exercises?”

“What?”

“It’s something guards do,” Flurry replied. “They have to accomplish some task together, remembering about cooperation and, if Rough Diamond is to be believed, acting like complete retards.”

Pound scratched his mane. “What’d this task be? I actually thought of inviting them both for a milkshake, but I’d rather not have them both next to any glassware.”

“Yeah, this time it wouldn’t end with a black eye.” Flurry nodded. “As for the task I have in mind, it’s quite an ambitious one. I need to prank my aunt.”

“Twilight?” Pound asked.

“Nah, that’s an easy one,” Flurry replied. “I have a much bigger target in mind…”

Author's Notes:

Congratulations, Luna, you've doomed us all.