“Okay, this is the plan,” Flurry said, levitating a piece of paper. They were sitting in an old clubhouse in the middle of the Sweet Apple Acres. It had seen better days; the Cutie Mark Crusaders didn’t use it anymore, opting for an office near the town hall instead. Also, it still bore the traces of an event known as the Scootapocalypse – most notably, a broken window and several dents in the walls.

Rough Diamond raised her hoof. “May I know why did you teleport me out of my bed? I still have a hangover, you know…”

“I’m about to explain,” Flurry replied. “Pumpkin, could you stop staring at Precious Gem like that? We’re about to do something villainous together.”

“Does anyone have any painkillers?” Rough Diamond asked. “I’m gonna give you my Oatstralia for painkillers.”

“Wait, what villainous thing are we doing?” Precious Gem glared at Flurry. “Hope it’s not taking over Equestria.”

“Nah, this can wait,” Flurry replied. “I’m going to prank Princess Luna.”

“Okay, I’m going to put this in the ‘famous last words’ category,” Precious Gem said. “And how exactly are you gonna do this?”

“It’s easy.” Flurry looked at the paper. “We go to Canterlot and I’ll pretend that I want to visit my aunt. She’s usually asleep during the day, so the guards won’t let us in.”

“I can already see a flaw in this plan,” Rough Diamond muttered.

“Also, how will we get to Canterlot?” Pound asked. “The next train is at twelve o’clock.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Flurry said. “I got it covered…”

The blast of teleportation shook the nearby trees. Flurry was the first to stand up, but only her and Precious Gem managed to get out of the trip unscathed; Pound threw up while Pumpkin and Rough Diamond ended up with a nosebleed.

“We’re not in Canterlot,” Pumpkin said, wiping her snout. “We’re in some forest.”

“We’re about five miles from Canterlot,” Flurry replied, looking around. “That’s about my maximal reach when I’m teleporting someone with me.”

“About?” Pound asked.

“Well, I wanted to land as close to Canterlot as I could and I may have pushed it a little.” Flurry shrugged. “At least no one got a stroke.”

“Wait, that was an option?” Rough Diamond asked, scratching her head. “Just great. One day, I’ll get a brain tumour because of your magic.”

“Don’t worry, I can probably remove tumours.” Flurry shrugged. “I never tried, but–”

“Yeah, and I’ll let you play with my brain, right.” Rough Diamond shook her head. “Okay, so now we have to go to Canterlot by hoof?”

“I can teleport you again,” Flurry replied.

“We’d rather go by hoof,” Pound said quickly.

They didn’t have to walk for long. Soon, they reached the main road leading to the capital. Despite the early hour, it was full of carts, wagons, carriages, chariots, and other vehicles, transporting ponies and goods to and from the town. Flurry and her companions tried to blend in with the crowd, but it soon proved to be impossible.

“Don’t you have a feeling that we’re being watched?” Flurry asked.

“No way,” Pumpkin replied. “An alicorn, two crystal ponies, a unicorn with a black eye and a pegasus just walking down the road. If we walked to a bar, the bartender would ask if it’s some kind of a joke.”

“Indeed,” Rough Diamond said. “Maybe we should hitch a ride?”

“How do you even do this?” Flurry asked. “I mean, I never had to do this, so–”

“Oh, that’s easy.” Pumpkin waved her hoof at a mare pulling a heavy cart. Several foals leant from the cart and stuck their tongues out.

“Guess this one is full,” Pound said, waving his wing at another wagon. The pony pulling it didn’t even bother to look back at him.

“Eh, you have to do this the Manehattan way.” Precious Gem muttered, walking in front of some stagecoach. The two ponies in front of it stopped, causing the rear pair to ram into them. Then, owing to poor brakes, the stagecoach hit them too, causing all four ponies to land in a pile in front of Precious Gem, cursing and yelling at each other.

“Would you be so kind to drive us to Canterlot?” Flurry asked the ponies, who were now trying to untangle themselves. She noticed that two of them were Scootaloos – not the Cutie Mark Crusader herself, but rather her clones, still living in Equestria in large numbers, though rarely coming anywhere near Canterlot due to Moondancer following them everywhere and asking strange questions.

“If you tell the green one not to walk into traffic,” the clone replied. “I guess we have a few free seats in this hearse.”

“Wait, it’s a hearse?” Rough Diamond asked, looking at the vehicle unsurely.

“Not yet,” the Scootaloo clone replied. “We take elderly ponies for trips around Equestria, so it may as well be.” She looked around, making sure her coworkers were still untangling the harness. “I also advise ponies on cutie mark-related problems, but don’t tell anyone. Especially not the tax office.”

“Don’t worry,” Flurry said and looked at the stagecoach. “Travelling with old ponies can’t be that bad, right?”

“I swear, I’m gonna throw the next geezer who asks me about potatoes through the window,” Rough Diamond muttered. She was stuck between two old, overweight mares; one of them was deaf and the other one was too busy knitting to pay any attention to her.

“Well, at least you’re not sitting next to an ex-royal guard,” Pound whispered to her. The pony next to him turned to him with a toothless grin.

“The guard? You should definitely join the guard. See the world, bang some mares…” He patted Pound’s back and pointed at some granny sitting in the front of the stagecoach. “Widow Principle was a wife of our general,” he said. “She only cheated on him twice. Once with his aide-de-camp and then with the whole 32nd Pegasus Squadron.” He chuckled. “After that, we ended up on the border with Griffonstone. Have you ever gotten a blowjob from a griffon?”

Pound looked at Flurry, trying to move as far away from the old guard as possible. Flurry smirked and lit up her horn, causing the guard to immediately fall asleep, probably dreaming about griffon blowjobs.

“Guess you saved his life,” Pumpkin said.

“Pound’s?” Flurry asked.

“Nah, this old fart’s.” Pumpkin pointed at the old pony. “In his age, the only thing that can rise is intracranial pressure, if you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, that’s what we need,” Rough Diamond muttered. “Someone passing away during the trip. I wonder if this happens often.”

“Taking a peek into this Scootaloo’s memory, they had at least two such accidents in the last five years,” Flurry replied. “But I don’t think this is going to happen today.”

“So it’s true?” Pumpkin asked.

“What?”

“That princesses can feel when someone dies,” Pumpkin said. “It’s because the Pale Horse is their relative.”

Precious Gem rolled her eyes. “She’s an alicorn, not a cat in the nursing home.”

“Exactly.” Flurry smirked. “Also, I don’t recall any skeletons with scythes coming to the last family gathering. Unless he’s just not very sociable. Wouldn’t be the first one in the family. For example, auntie Twilight–”

“Of course he’s not sociable,” Pumpkin said. “He’s the Pale Horse, after all.”

“Which means he eventually meets everyone,” Pound replied. “I’d call that very sociable.”

“In the end, you meet him alone, though.” Precious Gem shrugged and turned to one of the old ponies. “Do you have any more potatoes? In the Crystal Empire, we’re starving.”

Rough Diamond just rolled her eyes.

After a long trip upwards, the stagecoach stopped in the centre of Canterlot. The elderly tourists trotted out of it, marvelling at the tall buildings. Flurry looked around; the palace was nearby so it was time to continue with the plan.

“I hope you’re not planning to join us?” the Scootaloo clone asked. “I think your friend started to teach the grannies to smoke weed.”

Flury rolled her eyes. “Precious, stop whatever you’re doing.”

“Hey, it’s therapeutical!” Precious Gem exclaimed, giving some thin, old mare a very suspicious bag.

“Surely.” Flurry sighed and shook her head. “Let’s go to the castle.”

They left the group and trotted across the street. The newly-rebuilt castle was right in front of them, as majestic and intimidating as ever. Pumpkin stopped in front of the gate and looked at it, her smile faltering.

“How are we going to get inside?” she asked. “I mean, there are guards and such…”

“No problem.” Flurry walked to one of the guards. “Hello, Blunt Spear,” she said. “Is Princess Luna home?”

“Hi, Flurry,” Blunt Spear replied. “How’s your dad?”

“He’s fine.” Flurry smiled. “We’re in Ponyville now and I wanted my friends to meet my auntie, you know.”

“She’s asleep now, as far as I know.” Blunt Spear pointed at the tall tower behind him. “And I’m not sure if her guards will let you in. They brought in a new transport of bats recently and they’re really bad at recognising ponies. One of them kicked Princess Celestia out of the kitchen when she wanted to grab some snacks in the middle of the night.”

“We’ll be careful,” Flurry replied. “I mean, how many alicorn princesses just happen to wander around Equestria?”

“Recent studies suggest at least seven,” Precious Gem muttered, prompting Flurry to shoot her a glare. “But what do I know.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Rough Diamond said. “We’ll wait for Luna to wake up, I guess. Though given her guards, she may wake up just by hearing them.”

“You’d be surprised,” Blunt Spear replied. “I once had to share a room in the barracks with a blind bat pony. He kept screeching and listening to the echo to know where he was going. I couldn’t sleep.”

“What happened to him?” Flurry asked.

“They put him on an airship so he’d detect incoming griffons.” Blunt Spear shrugged. “At least I don’t need earplugs anymore.”

“That’s fine, I guess.” Flurry turned to her friends. “Okay, let’s go. As far as I recall, we have a lot of stairs to climb.”

“You at least have wings,” Rough Diamond said. “Also, come on. We haven’t been afraid of stairs during Sombra’s reign, so those stairs can kiss our asses. Though indeed, those who can fly don’t even have to bother.”

“And you can teleport,” Pound replied as they walked across the large hall with mirror-like tiles on the floor. “I mean… Can you?”

“Not really.” Rough Diamond shrugged. “Also, watch out. Precious Gem may get jealous.”

“We can share,” Precious Gem said. They reached the large hallway with servants and bureaucrats passing them by, paying no attention to them. Flurry counted the staircases. She was pretty sure some of them kept changing places, but this time she quickly managed to find the right way.

They barely reached the second floor of the tower when they were stopped by two guards. It was a weird bunch even for bat ponies – their armours were slightly too big and the way they walked was so unmilitary-like that Flurry heard Rough Diamond groan.

“Hey, it’s Espresso Martini!” one of the guards exclaimed, looking at Flurry.

“Don’t be silly, her name is Flurry Heart,” the other guard replied.

“Midnight Dancer?” Flurry asked. “Midnight Knight?”

“With a ‘k’, yeah,” the guardsmare said.

“Do you know each other?” Pumpkin asked, eyeing the bat ponies.

Flurry and Rough Diamond nodded.

“We met in Manehattan,” Rough Diamond said. “Briefly.”

“Not really briefly.” Midnight Dancer rolled her eyes. “Do you know what happened to us after we all got arrested? Those guys actually got hired by the casino.”

Flurry shrugged. “Good for them, I guess.”

“Well, except of the kirin, but she got punished with more work in the brewery,” Midnight Dancer said.

“Which is just taking the piss if you ask me.” Midnight Knight sighed. “And we ended up in the bat pony court because that’s how Manehattan works.”

“Yeah, and we were given a choice,” Midnight Dancer continued. “Either we go back to the caves–”

“Which is stupid because we were born in Manehattan.” Midnight Knight fixed her helmet. “I only saw the caves once, when we visited out grandma. Everypony with half a brain already moved out and those caves reek of piss and old ponies.”

“– or we join the Lunar Guard.” Midnight Dancer shot her sister a glare. “Which is much funnier because we get rum rations and the captain is a huge lesbo.”

“And we sometimes swing that way,” Midnight Knight said. “Though we never boinked each other, despite what ponies say about twins.”

“Awesome,” Flurry muttered, rolling her eyes. “So, can we go to Princess Luna? I have something important to tell her.”

“Actually, no,” Midnight Dancer replied. “She’s sleeping now. Come back during the official visiting hours.”

“It’s not like we don’t like you or anything,” Midnight Knight said. “But if we screw something up, it’s the caves for us.”

“Or the captain’s sex dungeon…” Midnight Dancer added.

“Which isn’t that bad if you like chains and whips…”

“And we sometimes do…”

“But this old hag smokes after sex.” Midnight Knight sighed. “I’d rather not get lung cancer, thank you.”

“And I don’t think anyone ever cleaned those whips,” Midnight Dancer said with a shudder. “Do you know what you can get when someone whips you with a dirty whip? I’d rather not get hepatitis or other shit.”

“Sorry, then.” Flurry charged her horn.

“Great.” Midnight Knight sighed. “You can’t convince us to let you in, so you’re going to try some magical mumbo-jumbo?”

“Such is the fate of guards.” Midnight Dancer spread her wings open. “But at least we won’t go down without a fight!” She spun her wings, producing a spear and charged at Flurry.

The spell wasn’t very loud, though it flashed brightly, blinding everyone for a moment. When Flurry’s companions regained their sight, they saw Midnight Dancer and Midnight Knight lying on the floor and snoring.

“This should do,” Flurry said, turning to her friends. “Let’s put them in some locker and– Wait, why are you staring at me like that?”

“Uhh…” Pumpkin looked at Pound, who was pale and looked like he was about to throw up. She sighed and turned to Rough Diamond. “Should I tell her or will you do this?”

“You have a spear in your chest,” Rough Diamond replied.

“Oh.” Flurry looked down. “That’d explain a few things.” She coughed, spraying blood on the floor. “This should do something, right?”

“For starters, you should be, like, dead,” Precious Gem said. “And since you aren’t, you’d better not remove it, or else–” She winced when Flurry ripped the spear out of her chest and looked at the bits of flesh stuck to the blade.

“Is that a lung?” Flurry asked. “First time I see so much of my blood.” She looked at the wound, trying her best to ignore the fact that Pound just threw up after all. “At least it seems to be healing.”

“Interesting.” Pumpkin furrowed her eyebrows, watching as Flurry’s wound closed on its own. “If we cut off your leg, would it grow back?”

“We have no time to experiment,” Flurry replied. “Someone may have heard us.”

Pumpkin looked at Midnight Knight. “Can I at least know what ponies say about twins?”

“That they fuck.” Rough Diamond smirked. “You’ve never fucked your brother? I mean, if I had a twin sister, I’d totally–”

Precious Gem sighed. “Rough, chill out. Or go fuck yourself, because like, you seem to have too much energy.”

“That’s what I’m technically talking about,” Rough replied.

“I don’t think I wanted to know this.” Pound shuddered. “Also, we’d better hurry before somepony notices us. We’re rather distinctive.”

“Yeah, it’d probably be better to blend in with the crowd,” Rough Diamond said. “Can you turn us into bat ponies or something?”

“Kind of.” Flurry shrugged, levitating Midnight Dancer and Midnight Knight. Pound opened a large cabinet standing by the wall and took several sets of armour out of it, making room for the sleeping bat ponies.

“Oh no,” Rough Diamond muttered.

“What now?” Pumpkin asked.

“Last time I asked her if she could do something magical and she replied with ‘kind of’, we both ended up in the hospital,” Rough Diamond replied.

“Don’t worry,” Flurry said. “I can’t exactly turn you into bat ponies, but… Remember this spell auntie Twilight uses to turn herself into a breezie? I can turn you into changelings and then you can just turn into bat ponies.”

Pumpkin raised her eyebrows. “This sounds complicated. Like, how am I supposed to turn into a specific bat pony?”

“Just imagine one.” Flurry aimed her horn at Pumpkin and furrowed her eyebrows. One magic flash later, Pumpkin became a yellow changeling mare; she looked at herself and winced.

“Now this is weird,” she said. “I mean, how do I even–” Suddenly, she turned into Pound. “Great, now we’re identical.” She looked at her brother. “How can you even walk normally? I mean, it’s kinda uncomfortable when it’s all dangling there…”

“Can we change the topic?” Pound asked, his face bright red.

“Change?” Pumpkin turned into Flurry. “Hmm, do I have your powers now?”

“Try it and you’ll join them in the closet,” Flurry muttered. “If only because two Flurries is Rough's worst nightmare and she might not let you stay that way. Just do some bat pony and let’s go.”

“That’s what she said.” Pumpkin turned into a bat mare who, despite her thin barrel, had quite a sizeable ass.

“I’m not sure that’d fit in any armour,” Pound said. “And you’re saying balls are uncomfortable?”

“You’re just jealous.” Pumpkin wiggled her butt and looked at it, smiling. “Can I keep that?”

“I don’t think so,” Flurry replied, turning the rest of her friends into changelings.

“Why am I a mare?” Pound asked when the magic faltered.

“Are you two never pleased with what you get?” Flurry rolled her eyes. “You’re a changeling. If you want, just magick yourself the biggest dick you can imagine and shut up.”

“Nah, I guess I’ll try something else…” Pound focused and turned himself into a bat pony; however, he immediately collapsed, turning back into a changeling. “What’s going on?”

“You can’t turn yourself into a borderline anorexic abomination and expect to be able to walk,” Precious Gem said. She’d already turned into a bat pony; she still had black mane and purple eyes and while she was slightly thinner than her regular body, it was far more proportional that what Pound and Pumpkin came up with.

“Well, at least I was creative.” Pound looked at Rough Diamond who just turned herself into Midnight Dancer, or possibly Midnight Knight.

“Oh, shut up,” Rough Diamond said. “At least I have some disguise, unlike you.”

“Wait a minute.” Pound furrowed his eyebrows and turned into another bat pony, this time with long green mane and tattoos covering both wings.

Precious Gem smirked. “Okay, Mr. Original just turned himself into the mare who was in the centrefold of this May’s Playbat.”

“How do you know?” Flurry asked.

“Our library bought a subscription,” Precious Gem said. “They have some interesting articles.”

“Articles, sure,” Pound muttered.

“I’m really into Canter S. Thompson.” Precious Gem turned to Flurry. “I see you decided to become a bat alicorn now.”

“Convenience.” Flurry levitated the suits of armour they’d found in the closet. “We’d better put those on in case we meet somepony.”

Disguising as guards took a while, but with Rough Diamond’s help, everyone managed to put every part of armour on the body part it belonged to. Still, Rough Diamond wasn’t satisfied.

“None of you walk like a guard should,” she muttered as they climbed up the stairs. “Pound will soon stab someone with this spear and Pumpkin is just limping like an old horse.”

“Yeah, try walking while wearing iron boots that are too big for you,” Pumpkin replied.

“You know we’re changelings now, right?” Flurry asked. “You can make your hooves bigger.”

“I can?” Pumpkin looked at her hooves. “Huh. Changelings are just better. Can you make me a changeling permanently?”

“Well, if you avoid the strong natural sources of magic…”

“Why?” Pumpkin asked.

“Magical resonance,” Flurry replied. “Your body will know something’s not right and try to go back to the pony form. If a big source of magical energy interferes with your magic, the resonance can shatter your bones.”

“Aww…”

They reached the next floor. This one, unlike the others, wasn’t empty. A tall bat mare with an eyepatch walked towards them, fixing her helmet. Her armour was cleaner and more ornate than regular bat pony armour; she also had a navy blue cape.

“What are you doing here?” she asked. “You know you can’t interrupt the Princess’ beauty nap, right?” She looked at them. “Are you all new here?”

Rough Diamond smiled sheepishly. “Well, actually–”

“Wait, I recognise you,” the mare said. “Midnight Knight, right? You finally learned to walk like a guard.” She turned to the rest of ponies-turned-changelings-turned-bat-ponies. “Which can’t be said about you twats. And where’s your sister?”

“Am I my sister’s keeper?” Rough Diamond shrugged. “Probably cleaning the armour closet.”

“Wait.” The mare looked at Pound and smirked, embracing him with his wing. “You know you’re just wasting your talents with those half-wits? You should definitely be guarding the dungeon with me…”

Pound froze. “Well, the thing is, I’m scared of dungeons,” he replied.

“Oh, don’t worry, we’ll work on that.” The mare winked at him. “You just have to–”

Suddenly, a magical beam struck her in the chest, throwing her at the wall with the loud ringing of the armour. Flurry smirked, her horn smoking. “This will teach her to clean the whips,” she said.

“Did you kill her?” Pumpkin asked, looking at the empty armour.

“Nah, I just used that classic spell.” Flurry walked to the armour and levitated a large frog out of it. Somehow, the frog still had a tiny eyepatch; her other eye was looking at them with as much contempt an amphibian could manage.

“So, if someone kisses her, she turns back into a pony?” Precious Gem asked.

“Exactly,” Flurry replied. “Don’t try it or I’ll have to change her again.”

They left the captain of Luna’s guard jumping around and catching flies with her tongue. Soon, they reached the top of the tower, standing in front of the tall door, with moons and stars sculpted on them. Nopony was guarding it; Luna believed the guards on lower floors would stop any unwanted visitors before they’d be able to get there.

“Okay, auntie,” Flurry muttered, opening the door. “Time for revenge.”

Luna was sleeping on a large bed in the middle of the room, snoring loudly. She lay on her back, her limbs scattered at weird angles. When they approached her, she turned, nearly slamming Rough Diamond with her wing.

“Damn, she’s huge,” Pound said. “I mean, I always knew that, but I’ve never seen her this close.”

“So, what do we do to her?” Pumpkin asked. “Do we put her hoof in water so she wets herself?”

“This doesn’t work,” Precious Gem replied. “Also, traditional way of pranking alicorns involves roasting peppers.”

Pumpkin winced. “What’s funny about that?”

“Well, Twilight once went for the–” Precious Gem cleared her throat. “Nevermind.”

“We should do something epic,” Flurry said. “Just drawing a dick on her horn won’t do. Something ponies will remember for ages. Something like–” She paused, realising that Luna was looking at her.

“Oh shit, she woke up,” Pound muttered.

“You don’t say!” Pumpkin hissed.

Luna furrowed her eyebrows. “Who’d think! My own guards!” Her eyes lit up, as she darted out of bed, charging her horn.

Flurry conjured a shield. She was an alicorn and her father was the best shield conjurer in the whole country. This helped her somewhat.

Her shield survived the contact with the cold fury of Luna’s spell for exactly two seconds. The whole room exploded around them, the walls turning to dust, bits of clay, glass shards and splinters. Deep cracks appeared in the floor as the whole tower shook, hit by torrents of raw arcane energy.

Luna stood up and looked around the room. Or rather, what was left of it – the whole top of the tower disappeared, sans a few bits of debris. No trace of the attackers was to be found anywhere.

“Huh,” Luna said when the dust fell. “At least Celestia will let me redecorate this time…”