Cross the Rubicon: Choices
Chapter 126: Chapter Ninety Eight: Twilight on the Couch
Previous Chapter Next Chapter
Wind whipped Twilight’s clothes as she hugged herself tight to Sunset’s back. Normally, she loved riding on the motorcycle with her girlfriend—and why not? There was a lot to enjoy about it: the speed and the wind, the thrumming purr of a well cared for machine whose owner had put a great many hours into its construction and maintenance, the intimately close proximity to the gorgeous redhead, pressed flush against her back with arms around a body that was satisfyingly warm in winter, the excuse to press her palms to that toned, flat stomach with only a shirt between them and amber skin…
Today, however, she couldn't manage to muster the thrill she normally felt. Her anxiety had her wound far too tight to even enjoy the guilty pleasure of Sunset’s breasts brushing against the top of her hands with every breath. The dark haired girl was too fixated on where they were headed and why.
Her therapy appointment with Dr. Soft-Spoken.
It ate away at her as she watched her girlfriend lay on her bed, reading a book on engineering principles meant for college students, occasionally brushing a strand of fiery hair back from her face, lips moving slowly as she devoured the information in the text. Twilight had long since abandoned her spot at the desk to cuddle up under a blanket with the warm body of her girlfriend, and at first, all she’d thought about was kissing her until she was breathless. Slowly, though, another thought had intruded, of uncertain, worried blue green eyes staring at her with fear and a little pain, and the voice of her best friend asking, “…is this it for us, always hiding, always sneaking around afraid that someone else might get it into their head that we don’t act in a way they think is acceptable?” and with it, an idea that wouldn't leave her alone.
Finally, she couldn't take it anymore, and blurted, “Sunny?”
Blue green eyes turned her way, and then Sunset leaned in to kiss her nose. “Yeah? What's up, nerd? You going to tell me what's been making you fidget for the last ten minutes?”
Twilight’s face felt hot with embarrassment. “Was it that bad?”
An amber skinned arm curled around her snugly, and Sunset pushed her book to the side. “Not really—I could just tell because of how close you are. Now what’s wrong, Sparky?”
“I…do you remember what we talked about on the couch the other week? About me trying to come out to Mom and Dad?” She toyed with a bit of Sunset’s sleeve, twisting it between her fingers.
Her girlfriend nuzzled a cheek into Twilight’s dark hair. “Mm-hmm…” she responded with a low hum. “What about it?”
“…I want to talk to my therapist about it, since she’s good at helping me work through stuff like this and come up with ways to overcome my anxieties…” Just the thought of discussing coming out with her therapist made her innards twist into knots, and she had to take a slow, shaky breath or two before she could forge onward. Sunset, to her credit, waited patiently, one hand moving up and down Twilight’s back in a comforting gesture. At last, Twilight found her voice again.
“…I want to take you with me to my appointment and introduce you to Dr. Soft-spoken as my girlfriend!” She got it out in a rush before the panic could rise up again and silence her.
The redhead was quiet, her expression curious and thoughtful. “….o…kay…” she said slowly. “…I’m not opposed, Sparky, if it’ll help you…”
Twilight frowned. She could detect the hesitation in Sunset’s voice. “But…?”
Her girlfriend blushed and looked away. “I…I don't exactly know much about how this therapy thing works. What…would I need to do? Is she going to want to ask me questions?”
For a moment, Twilight was startled by Sunset’s confession, but then her brain registered it in context of everything else she’d gleaned over the months she’d known her fiery maned paramour. “I’m sorry, Sunny…it never occurred to me that you might not know what my therapy appointments involved, or even have any personal knowledge about what goes on at them.”
Sunset shrugged, her expression shifting to that not-quite-blank one where her eyes were both too old for her face and seeing something a thousand miles away. It was a look that Twilight had learned usually meant that the older girl was going to half share something about her past that was both incredibly vague and evasive but also sometimes seemed as if she were protecting her former guardian and wherever the woman lived. “It's…not something that really existed…where I used to live. If some…body…had some kind of a problem…and they couldn't just…you know, work it out on their own, they’d go to their family. Or friends.” Another laconic shrug, and a flicker of real pain in those blue-green depths. “Neither of which I had.”
Anxieties forgotten in the face of a flush of true anger, Twilight had to bite back the response that wanted to fly from her mouth: that Sunset’s so-called guardian probably wouldn't have wanted anyone official to know just how she was treating Sunset anyway. She knew enough to know that a response like that would make Sunset defend the situation or shut down on the subject entirely. She settled for hugging her girlfriend tight and going with the second option of what to say, since it was less likely to upset Sunset—which was very much not the point of this discussion at all. “I understand, Sunset—I am aware that other countries do not always have the same access to mental healthcare that we do here, and many countries, even well established and well off first world ones, have harsher and even highly negative social stigma attached to the very thought of seeking a trained mental health professional.”
Sunset mouth twisted into a wry smile. “That’s…a reasonably accurate summary in a lot of ways,” she responded, her word choice deliberate and careful, suggesting Twilight had been at least partially right, but also partially wrong in her assessment somewhere, but that she didn't want to pursue the line of inquiry further.
Perhaps it would be a good idea to answer the original question. “You would not necessarily be expected to do much of anything. At most, I’ll introduce you, explain what I’m trying to do, and she may ask a few questions to make sure we’re on the same page about coming out. That’s it, and it may not even entail that much. She might just take a few minutes to facilitate the kind of conversation I can expect when introducing my partner to people…mostly to gauge my reactions and emotions, so she can assist me in ways I can work through my anxieties about the act of coming out to my family.”
The older girl was quiet, but Twilight could see she was turning the words over in her mind—not negatively, but in a way that meant she was processing new information…at least, that's what it usually meant when her brows furrowed that way. “…so…she’ll want to make sure I…understand what it is you're wanting to do…and that…I’m okay with it…but also not…forcing you to do it?”
Twilight nodded. “That is a possibility. She may also check and make sure its safe for you to be ‘out,’ since some kids are in environments where that would put them at risk from bigoted relatives or guardians.”
The brows pinched a little further. “Definitely not an issue for me. Even…before…I’m not sure it would have been. It just…wasn’t something that was worried about. They were all more worried about if the…person…was of the right social group or status…or if it would look good on their family. Still stupid, but stupid in a different way.”
Interesting…Twilight filed that information away, right next to the other details Sunset let slip about her upbringing, especially in the realm of relationships. “It can be a very short sighted attitude that is unfortunately all too prevalent, particularly prejudice against the non-heteronormative portion of the population. For reasons I fail to be able to find logic in, there is a great deal of hatred and fear directed at us, as if we are somehow a threat to others simply by existing, and our attraction and affections are somehow poisonous to ‘straight people.’ It's one of the myriad of reasons that the ‘closet,’ and ‘coming out’ are such harrowing things for a great many people.”
Snorting derisively, Sunset shook her head. “Yeah. I've heard stories. Back when I was running CHS, I dug up a lot of stuff to blackmail other students and…that one was one of a lot of people’s fears.” She bit her lip. “At least I can say, as horrible as I was, that was one of the few things I didn't hold over anyone. I wanted control, but the idea that I would threaten to take away someone else’s family? I couldn't.”
Twilight said nothing to that, but secretly she felt it proof that Sunset had not been as bad as she made herself out to be. “It is a very common fear, and one with some very legitimate weight behind it, unfortunately. Which is why I suspect Dr. Soft-spoken may ask you a few questions to make sure my coming out does not put you in jeopardy.”
A sigh escaped the other teen. “So…she’ll likely make sure I understand all that, and am comfortable with it. Then what? Practicing this whole coming out thing with her and consider different situations that it might occur? Field questions people are going to automatically want to know about us dating?”
“I may be wrong, but that is my hypothesis of how it will go. Unlike what you might have seen portrayed in movies and television, my therapist does not browbeat me with words until I tell everything. She…lets me come to her with things I feel I need to discuss and asks questions around that subject. I also know from previous sessions where she spoke with a member of my family as well as me, she did focus on me as her patient and whatever problems I was dealing at the time, not on them.” She pressed her palm to Sunset’s cheek, making her girlfriend look at her. “I promise you that your secrets are safe—she won't try to dig them out of you.”
Blue-green eyes met purple, and the world around them fell away as Sunset dipped her face to kiss Twilight. It wasn't the steamiest kiss they’d shared, as of late, but it was deep and intense and it reached inside Twilight, drawing up plenty of emotions that made her feel giddy and a little lightheaded, as well as setting loose an entire swarm of butterflies in her stomach. When they parted slowly, breathing hard, Sunset rested her forehead against Twilight’s. “Thanks, Sparky. I…was a little worried about that…” She snuck another quick peck on the dark haired girl’s lips. “…and who knows…maybe I’ll benefit too…”
“Oh?” Curiosity flicked its tail like a cat in the back of her mind.
“It's…not really the same kind of fear…but…I am a little nervous and…not entirely comfortable with the idea of telling my friends. Not because I think they’ll hate me or anything—none of them have any issue with Rarity and Applejack, and like…the whole school knows they’re together. But…I…haven’t told them about you…they don’t know I have a friend they’ve never met, let alone a girlfriend…and I’m worried about how they’ll take that I’ve been…hiding that from them.”
Resting a hand against Sunset’s shoulder, Twilight asked carefully, “Are you afraid they’ll be angry that you have a friend that isn't one of them?” She certainly hoped not—Sunset clearly cared about her friends, and it would be awful if it turned out they were toxic and unhealthy friendships.
Sunset bit her lip. “No, it's not that…it's…” She blew a sigh out her nostrils slowly. “I’ve talked about how I lost to that girl at the Fall Formal?”
She remembered. “The transfer student that…managed to work with the girls you’re friends with now to break your hold on the student body?”
A self-deprecating chuckle escaped the redhead. “That’s the one. She’s not here anymore, and before she left in December…We talked. I apologized for all the terrible things I did to her, and I guess we’re friends? And kind of pen-pals now?” She tipped her head away from Twilight to look at the ceiling. “Thing is… that girl…kind of reminds me of you—she even looks like she could be your sister or cousin, but a few years older, and she’s pretty smart and just…”
Something sour made Twilight’s mouth twitch, and it took her a moment to realize it might be jealousy. “Just…what?” she asked before she could stop herself.
Sunset shrugged. “Really good at making friends. That's how she beat me, in the end. She became friends and motivated the whole school to take a stand against me.” When Twilight didn’t answer right away, she looked back down. “Sparky?”
Twilight couldn’t help the way her face twisted, or the tears that prickled at the corners of her eyes. “It's just…she sounds like a better version of me…one that doesn’t have half as many problems…” She got the words out as a sharp, bitter set of sounds, mostly because it was better than crying. “Are you worried that your friends are going to…what? Think I’m not as good as her, that you should date her instead?”
Sunset’s face was blurry through the tears that she couldn’t stop from welling up and spilling over, but this close, Twilight could still tell her face was going through a myriad of expressions and emotions. “Sparky…no.” She gently took Twilight’s glasses off her face, and used her sleeve to wipe the tears away. “She is not you, and certainly not a ‘better version’ of you. You’re very different people with some surface similarities that people who don’t know either of you very well will compare and make assumptions. I have no interest in her at all, and I can’t see myself ever having anything with her that's anything like our friendship, and especially not more.”
She pressed a soft, light kiss to Twilight’s mouth. “You are my best friend, and you…you’re special to me…”
Sniffling, the dark haired teen tried to give her a weak, watery smile. “…I’m sorry…I guess I’m used to thinking of myself as…broken…”
“Hey…” Sunset nuzzled her. “You aren’t broken. You’re smart and funny and you’re my first and best friend, and I think you are so amazing that no one can ever compare to you. And I’m not afraid the girls will think I should be with someone else…or anything bad about you at all.” She sagged a little into the mattress. “I’m afraid they’ll see the similarities I mentioned and think that I’m doing this as some twisted revenge plot to get back at her…or that I am dating you because I have some kind of thing for her that I’m projecting those emotions onto you.”
Twilight blinked and before she could censor it, her mouth opened. “Really? If they do, then your friends need to stop watching bad rom-coms and reading trashy romance novels. That’s…you’ve done so much to try and be a better person—thinking you would do something that…shallow and awful?” She shook her head and ran her fingers through her girlfriend’s hair. “If they’re the kind of friends you claim, then they would never think that of you, Sunny.”
Sunset gave a half laugh, half snort. “…ponyfeathers, that’s so on point about Rarity, it's like you already know her—she’s always going on about these ridiculous ‘romance’ ideas or theories. She’s a good friend, but sun and stars, sometimes it drives me crazy!” Then she sobered, growing thoughtful again. “…and I guess you’re right—it probably is silly to be afraid of them making that kind of assumption. It's probably all just in my head.” She hugged Twilight close.
“I guess my only other question is ‘when are we doing this, nerd?’”
Twilight drew a calming breath in through her nose as they idled at a red light, letting it out slowly, picturing her anxiety as flowing out of her as part of her breath. It didn't quite work, as her mind supplied a rather annoying but comical mental image of an anthropomorphic manifestation of her stress response blowing a raspberry at her and her attempts to oust it from her consciousness. It was a fairly illogical response, one she hadn't been expecting, but it was exactly the kind of thing Sunset would have made jokes about. That did put a smile on her face and this time when she exhaled, her chest felt less tight, her nerves less jittery as some of the anxiety untangled. She pictured the anthropomorphic manifestation wandering off to sulk and giggled a little to herself. It made Sunset glance back over a shoulder at her and Twilight squeezed her waist to let the taller girl know she was okay.
And she was, she realized as the bike turned down another road a minute or two later. Her stomach no longer felt knotted up, nor did she have the urge to have Sunset turn the bike around so she could flee to the safety of her bedroom. She could do this—especially with Sunset by her side.
Which was probably a good thing, since the bike was pulling into the parking lot outside a large structure that housed her therapist’s office. Sunset dropped the kickstand and pulled her helmet off, shaking out her hair. “Wow…this is…not what I was expecting at all.”
Twilight looked at the modern style, two story building, with its large windows, terraced balconies, and copious amounts of plants—including more than a few hardy evergreens and pots of pansies still providing nature’s greenery and splashes of bright color despite the yellow brown grass of winter. “What were you expecting?” she asked curiously.
“Something that looked like a hospital. Not…this. Not do bright or cheery.” Sunset slid off the bike and offered her a hand.
“It's a private practice with ties to a number of outreach programs. The second floor has a bunch of rooms and studios they rent out to stuff like art therapy and yoga classes, or to group meetings for grief counseling or addiction struggles,” Twilight explained. “It's designed specifically with mental health needs in mind, and hospital-like environs are both unnecessary and stress-inducing to a lot of people.”
Sunset did a slow turn. “It just seems…more like an office building or some place you’d come to get help with your taxes. My finance guy has an office in a place like this…” she murmured.
Hooking a hand around one of her girlfriend’s arms once she put her own helmet in the storage compartment of the bike, Twilight giggled. “The inside is nice too—and it's warm. Come on.”
She led her compliant companion inside, bypassing the larger lobby in the front to head right down the left hand hallway. Around a turn towards the end, she pointed to a dark stained wooden door. “Dr. Soft-spoken’s office is through here. They’re designed like this so that the people coming for therapy with one of the doctors here aren't shoved into a crowded waiting room to get called on publicly like they are waiting to be yelled at by a principal.”
“Smart—sounds like it’d be a lot more relaxing that way.” Sunset reached for the handle. “Um…can we go in?”
Twilight nodded. “Yes. This opens to a waiting area just for her clients.”
The redhead nodded and opened the door, holding it open so Twilight could enter first. Beyond was the familiar small waiting room, one corner of it taken up by a child’s playmat and a bucket of miscellaneous toys. Along the wall was a comfortable couch, some small end tables, and a waist high bookcase full of various books, usually meant for teens.
At a slim desk near the door to the doctor’s actual inner office, working quietly at her laptop, was the secretary. She smiled at them when Twilight walked in. “Hello, Twilight.” She indicated a basket on the corner full of carefully wrapped cookies. “If you and your friend want a snack while you wait, Momo baked cookies with her Grandmother yesterday, and these were the extras.”
That helped her relax—Mrs. Sakura was a kind lady, and she barely even registered Sunset’s presence as anything to comment on. “Thank you, ma’am. A cookie does sound nice—what flavor are they?”
“What else?” The woman laughed lightly. “Chocolate and peanut butter, like everything else sugary my daughter wants to put in her mouth.”
Sunset’s eyes lit up and she politely accepted a cookie before joining Twilight on the couch. “These are pretty good,” she murmured, offering a second one to her girlfriend.
The dark haired girl took it, nibbling at it lightly. Her anxiety had settled but hadn't vanished entirely. So far, everything had gone smoothly…almost too smoothly. Even her evasive explanation to her mother about why Sunset was going with her to her appointment instead of Velvet taking her had been accepted with no suspicion or real question…
Twilight stood on the bottom step, mentally rehearsing what she wanted to say for the ninth time, going over her logical arguments and the justification for why she wanted to do this that had nothing to do with the real reason for it all. For one wild moment, the teen was struck with just how irrational and illogical her entire plan—and her fears—were, that developing these complex workarounds and evasive explanations and borderline lying to her parents was ridiculous… In that second, she just wanted to spill the truth, to just tell her mother that she was dating her best friend in the bluntest way possible and dealing with whatever came from it. Cadence had been telling her for years that it would be okay, and she could not imagine her mother and father discarding her or being upset with her for the kind of people she was attracted to…
But just as she’d had that thought, her mouth opening to call out to her mother, her throat constricted painfully and her heart began to race. Vague fears began to coalesce in the back of her mind, whispering worries that made her anxiety spike, and even in the privacy of her own mind she couldn't manage to form the words that she wanted to just get out there and be done with. Frustrated, Twilight pushed a fist against her mouth, biting her knuckles as an unintelligible sound rose in her throat, a manifestation of her emotions right then.
The noise drew the attention of her mother, and Velvet stepped into the hall, drying her hands on a dishtowel. “Twily, sweetie, is everything okay?”
Cheeks hot, Twilight slumped and crept her way down the last step to stand in the hall. It took a minute to sort her thoughts to a point where she could articulate in a way that was satisfactory. “…yes…I…just had an idea, but it refused to come out in a way I was happy with.” She felt a little guilty but reassured herself it wasn't entirely a lie—she did have an idea and it didn't come out, and she wasn't happy with the results yet.
Her mother nodded. “I’m sure you can work it out, Twily. You're a smart girl, and no problem is truly unsolvable when you put your mind to it. You’ll find an answer you’ll be satisfied with soon, I’m sure.”
She tried a smile as she tailed her mother into the kitchen. “Thanks, Mom. I know I will…I just need to do a little more research on it first.” She sat down at the table, and accepted a drink and a small snack plate with a few cookies on it from her mother, nibbling on one to regather her courage.
“Mom?” Twilight finally ventured when she felt brave. “My next appointment with Dr. Soft-spoken is on Thursday…”
Velvet smiled. “Yes, it is…unless you have something going on and you need to change it to another time?” She gave her daughter a puzzled look.
“Oh! No, no…I don't have any need to change it,” she responded hurriedly. “That’s not why I was bringing it up.” She gripped her cup with both hands. “I was just…Dr. Soft-spoken has met with each of the members of the family, as part of my therapy, gotten to know them a little and how each of you factors into my emotional support network and coping methods…but I realized that one of the people who has become extremely important to that support network is someone she’s only heard about second hand…” Her stomach flipped and flopped agitatedly. “I was thinking…do you think it would be okay to take Sunset with me to an appointment so I can introduce her to Dr. Soft-spoken?”
Her mother was watching her, and Twilight swallowed, before hurrying through her train of thought. “It's just…she really is super important as my best friend, and she has become part of my everyday emotional support network, plus you guys have given her a room and told her she’s part of our family, and all of that means she’s also been added to our family dynamic…which should be taken into account and I know I spend an awful lot of my sessions mentioning her just because we spend a lot of time together and she’s been with me during some really rough panic attacks—” Twilight dimly realized she was babbling and it took physical effort to make her mouth shut and stop the waterfall of words that was spilling out before she said something that gave her away.
Thankfully, Twilight Velvet didn't seem to notice that part, turning from the stove with a bright smile. “That’s actually a wonderful idea, Twily! You're certainly right that Sunset has been brought into our family and its dynamic just like Cadence was, and I think introducing her to Gently is a wise decision on your part. Did you want me to contact her office and set that up then, or would you prefer to take the initiative to do it yourself?”
The dark haired teen paused for a minute, worrying her lip. She had to rearrange her planned arguments and statements, having not anticipated her mother’s instantaneous agreement with her idea. “Uhhh…” she offered—probably not her most intelligent moment, she noted to herself.
Velvet patted her on the shoulder. “It might be better if I do it, now that I think about it. I can arrange with the office then to have Sunset added to the family account with the practice.”
Twilight blinked, confused. “Wait…why?”
“Because, while it might be a little soon for her to be comfortable with the idea if we broach it with her right now…the fact is that she could probably benefit from seeing a therapist herself, given everything.” Her mother’s voice was gentle, but Twilight couldn't deny how true her words were and that they came from a place of worry and compassion for her fiery haired girlfriend.
Still, she had no desire to go behind Sunset’s back, so she kept her response fairly simple. “…that’s…probably a good idea…”
Her mother checked the water and dumped the box of pasta shells into it to cook. “I don't want her to feel pressured, but if she goes with you, she might gain a positive perception of mental health care from the experience, and in turn might consider it for herself. If that happens, then she’s in a position to make an appointment without concern for the cost or needing to disclose it to any of us. I know her privacy is important to her.”
After some consideration, Twilight decided that her mother’s idea was probably a better cover for her real reason than any of the explanations she’d planned out, and that this worked thoroughly in her favor. So she nodded along with it. “Maybe I’ll bring it up to her after my session,” she ventured carefully. “Encourage her without accusations or demands…”
A warm hand on her forearm jolted her out of her thoughts and made her jump a little in her seat. Sunset was quick to reassure her. “Hey…hey…Sparky, calm down…It's just me. You got super quiet on me. You okay?”
Trying to slow her heart rate, the younger girl nodded. “I’m fine, Sunset…I was just…a little lost in my own thoughts, that's all.” She squeezed amber fingers in affection and reassurance of her own. “It's just been a long and tiring week.” Which it had—she’d spent a good portion of the week going over the data from the area near and around Sunset’s school, as well as running extensive tests on the strange plant that had been growing by the CHS greenhouse. It had yielded baffling results, and kept her up late speculating.
“Don't get too caught up in your own head, nerd,” Sunset told her, tweaking her nose. “You still have to introduce me to this therapist of yours.”
She wrinkled her nose in response. “I know…that's part of what I was thinking about…”
The redhead gave her one of those crooked smiles. “It’ll be fine, Sparky. I’ll be with you the whole time.”
That helped more than Sunset likely realized. “Thanks, Sunny…”
“Hey…” Sunset winked. “What are best friends for? Besides making this jacket look good?” She popped the collar on her leather coat in mock arrogance.
That set her off for some reason, and Twilight collapsed against Sunset on the couch, giggling uncontrollably. Her girlfriend soon joined her, and they were still laughing a few minutes later when the door to the inner office opened, and a boy of about twelve shuffled out, his mint green hair spiked up with copious amounts of gel, and more chains than was probably necessary on his oversized black clothes. He gave the two giggling girls a disaffected scowl, as if they were laughing at him.
Sunset caught the expression and stuck her tongue out at him childishly. Twilight elbowed her, but couldn't seem to stop laughing long enough to chastise the taller girl. The boy glared at them both and made a huffy sound.
Twilight finally managed to rein in her laughter about the time Dr. Soft-spoken leaned out of her office. “Twilight? You can come in now.”
What laughter was left dried up, and her legs felt more than a little shaky as she walked to the office, Sunset Shimmer in tow. She stepped inside, and looked at the woman who had been her therapist for nearly a decade, searching her face for any sign of her personal opinions about this meeting.
Dr. Soft-spoken looked the way she always had, if with a few more age lines than the previous years. She was a woman of average height, five to ten years older than Twilight’s parents. Her orange hair had wide streaks of white at the temples—what some people called ‘witch’s locks’—but was otherwise up in a serviceable bun and complemented by the comfortable yet professional outfits she wore. A pair of reading glasses hung from a decorative beaded string around her neck, and all in all she’d always reminded Twilight of a no-nonsense but kind grandparent or teacher. And right now she had her neutral expression on, her greeting as she stood up from her seat giving nothing away. “Good afternoon, Twilight. I see you’ve brought someone with you today.”
She opened her mouth to respond as Sunset quietly shut the door to the office behind them, preparing to answer with the planned introduction speech she’d practiced at home several nights in a row. Instead, she felt the words lit out of reach and the fluttering anxiousness in her stomach became a violent churning that crept up the back of her throat and lodged there. She couldn't do this, she realized. As much as she tried to reason that the doctor already knew she was attracted to girls, it felt like this new admission, this open acknowledgment of the girl standing next to her was her significant other would be crossing a line.
Even though part of her chastised her for her silliness and irrationality, she found herself searching the older woman’s face, and while overtly her expression had not changed, it felt like it had. She could see it, swimming within placid features, an expression familiar and alien, in lips thinned into a faint smile that was almost mocking her, and a coldness in dark golden eyes that she had never beheld from her therapist before but that Twilight knew from somewhere….and that she also knew didn't feel right to be witnessed here.
Her lungs burned, unable to draw in a proper breath, no matter how hard she tried to suck in air. She could feel Sunset’s concerned form stepping up beside her, but even that didn't help with the raw panic threatening to make her mind shut down. Sunset said something, and Twilight could see her lips moving but the sound was lost in a distorted roaring that filled her ears.
Warmth settled over her shoulders and she felt Sunset’s fingers curl around her upper arm, pulling her into a sideways hug. The taller girl breathed slowly and deeply, and with them pressed together side by side, Twilight could feel her every inhale and exhale, knowing Sunset wanted her to match them. It gave her something to focus on amidst the rising panic, and as if someone had thrown a switch, the panic attack cut off abruptly, leaving her feeling tired but her thoughts crystal clear. Sunset’s fingers squeezed in reassurance, and she could feel the message in the touch: “I’m here.”
She gave a small, weak smile in gratitude, before looking back to her therapist. Whatever horrific hallucination had fallen over her was gone now, leaving only Dr. Soft-spoken, waiting and observing patiently, but her gentle smile offering welcome to both girls.
Twilight straightened, breathing deeply to prepare herself, then focused on the formal and polite introduction she’d rehearsed. She stepped out of Sunset’s warm embrace to begin. “Dr. Soft-spoken, may I present to you my best friend and girlfriend, Sunset Shimmer?” Part of her knew it was far more formal than the situation really warranted, but relying on that overly formal method of address had grounded her before in circumstances that caused her panic, and as Twilight had hoped, it did the same here, letting her get the words out without completely losing her nerve. There was however, an unforeseen consequence…
Her somewhat stiff, formal words prompted a curious reaction that Twilight had not anticipated from her girlfriend. Sunset’s posture went ramrod straight, her head held high, and her boots made a noise as the sides of her heels came together. Twilight turned her head to watch with interest as the redhead stuck out her hand to the older woman. “Good afternoon, Doctor. Twilight has spoken exceptionally highly of you. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” As she shook hands firmly and briskly with the psychologist, she inclined her head ever so slightly.
The whole thing struck Twilight with a sense of recognition that was not quite deja vu, and she wracked her brain trying to place it. The answer came a moment later, swimming up from a memory from when she was about seven, of her mother making a joke while Twilight was fixated on a woodcut illustration in the reprint of an 1800s guidebook for “Young Ladies” and “Proper Etiquette and Deportment When in the Presence of Members of the Peerage.”
It had been not long after an emotionally devastating encounter with Great Aunt Alabaster. Twilight had gotten away from Cadence and found the library at the estate, intending to read some of the fascinating old books she found there, when the elderly woman had discovered her. What had followed was a furious interrogation followed by a crushing and scathing lecture about Twilight’s inability to engage in proper manners and basic socialization, some of which had been thinly veiled implications that Twilight was mentally defective. Cadence and her mother had found her in a sobbing, hyperventilating heap after the fact, and during her very next trip to the local library, Twilight had located and borrowed as many books on proper etiquette and manners as they had, bringing them home and pouring over them for weeks.
The book that had illustrated various greetings had been a particularly dry and dusty tome, detailing the minute variations in greetings based on both parties social status, and her mother had read the page she was on over her shoulder, before gently addressing the issue. “Twily, sweetheart, I know you want to be prepared, but even if some of your father’s family likes to pretend they are displaced nobles slumming it in the states, they aren't, and none of them has any right to expect you to show them this level of bowing and scraping. Its enough for you to be a polite and well mannered little girl.”
That memory floated before her mind’s eye, and with it, the caption: “Appropriate postures from an heir apparent showing courtesy to a lesser noble, esteemed professional, or foreign dignitaries on official business.” The knowledge settled uncomfortably as she looked at the girl wearing comfortably worn blue jeans, a t-shirt for one of her favorite bands, and a leather jacket who slipped as easily into the bearing of a princess as she did the black boots she loved to wear. The pieces she had been gathering about her best friend’s past were starting to add up more and more, and she wondered if she had enough yet to figure out who the unnamed guardian had been, and what locale Sunset had called home for years.
Sunset settled her hand back at her side as the therapist smiled politely. “The pleasure is mine, Miss Shimmer,” the woman responded with surprising warmth. “Twilight has mentioned you and how much she values your friendship quite extensively in our sessions over the last few months. It is quite nice to finally be able to put a face to the name. Why don’t you go ahead and make yourselves comfortable?”
When Twilight didn't move, Sunset glanced at her girlfriend and realized she was frowning and slightly out of it, lost in one thought or another—probably over having openly acknowledged their relationship to someone new. The older teen put her arm back around Twilight and moved them both over to a couch, nudging her to sit down. Sunset dropped into the seat beside her tugging her back into a sideways hug, and kissed the top of that dark haired head, offering soft reassurance. “Hey…I’m proud of you, Sparky.”
Purple eyes blink owlishly at her from behind thick glasses. “What?”
“I’m proud of you.”
Lavender cheeks flushed. “R-really?”
Sunset pressed another kiss to her hair. “Really. I know how hard this is for you…but you did it, all on your own. I’m proud of you for it…and you have every reason to be proud of yourself too.” Twilight smiled up at Sunset.
Dr. Soft-spoken waited a few moments longer before clearing her throat. “You do have every reason to feel accomplished, Twilight. While you have previously discussed your preferences with me, it still took courage to make such an introduction…especially since I believe you still have not broached the subject with your family?”
Twilight shook her head. “Just Cady, but I told her a long time ago.”
The former unicorn cuddled close to her girlfriend. “Did you ever actually tell Cadence that we were dating? Or did she just do that thing where she knows?”
A lavender nose wrinkled. “She knew I liked you the day she met you. She…was the one who pushed me into at least telling you about that.” Her head tilted. “I…don't think I ever actually told her—I mean, she pulled me into sister talk after that weekend at your place, and she just…she knew. I…didn't really feel the need to say it in so many words…just acknowledged that it worked out and that I…” she trailed off, blushing again.
Blue green eyes danced with humor. “That you what?” she asked teasingly. “That you interrupted our superhero movie night to kiss me?”
Twilight made a face at her, but Sunset felt her body become less painfully tense when she elbowed the redhead’s side.
The older woman made an interested sound, before interjecting in her calm, level voice. “Do you think you can remember how that made you feel, Twilight? When Cadence showed positivity and support for your relationship without the expectations that you had to ‘come out’ to her?”
There was silence for a long minute as Twilight screwed up her face in thought, and Sunset knew she was going back over her memory in a meticulous, methodical way. Slowly she responded, “It…felt good…I didn't really think about it, so I was more…excited to share how good I felt…it was nice to be able to have someone understand and be happy for me.”
“And now that you have gotten through the obligation and expectations surrounding introducing Miss Shimmer to me as your partner, how do you feel about talking about your relationship with me?” The woman was relaxed in her chair, Sunset noticed, with a calm and open posture that didn't make this feel like an interrogation.
Biting her lip, Twilight said, “I’m…not bothered or anxious like I was before? I…I’m not as excited as I was with Cady, but she’s my sister in all but name, which is very different from a semi-professional relationship with my therapist.”
Nodding, Dr. Soft-spoken tapped her finger thoughtfully on her chair. “Then would you say that it's not as scary as you anticipated, acknowledging your orientation and relationship once you actually do it?”
“It’s…it's not, because you already knew…but telling people who don't know at all, that's…I’ve tried, a bunch of times, to tell Mom…but I panic at the last second, and I can’t make the words come out.” She started to wring her hands in agitation, but Sunset reached over and grasped her hand instead, giving her digits to squeeze in lieu of potentially rubbing her wrists raw. Purple eyes flitted to her, and a slight but firm squeeze of her hand let Sunset know it was the right action to take. “That’s…that's part of why I…brought Sunset today,” Twilight explained. “I…I want to tell my parents…so we don't have to hide anymore….but I need help, because doing it on my own isn't working.”
One hand raised to take off her reading glasses so she could study both girls for a long minute. “I see…and…if I may, Miss Shimmer, how do you feel about this?”
Having anticipated the question from her talk with Twilight the weekend before, she took a breath. “I don't like lying to Mrs. Velvet and Mr. Night…they’re always so nice to me, that being…dishonest and hiding feels…” Sunset shrugged uncomfortably, the nagging sense of her recently found morals eating away at her. “It feels wrong…and I feel guilty for doing it.”
Twilight jolted and her eyes went wide as she refocused sharply on Sunset’s face. “Oh, Sunny…” she said, “I…I’m sorry. I know you mentioned not wanting to continue keeping it secret from them but…but I never really considered the deeper emotional implications of why you felt that way…” She squirmed, looking upset and guilty, then glanced at Dr. Soft-spoken. “I…believe I would like to add that to the reasons why I’d like to work up to coming out to them in a reasonable timeframe. The situation has become…” Anxiety broke through as her hand tugged free of Sunset’s grasp to make a wide, vague gesture. “…it's become untenable and attempting to persist is irrational, even more so than the phobia itself. I recognize intellectually that its based on a completely unreasonable idea and I need to bring my emotions in line with my logical side, rather than continue to be ruled by their projection of something not even remotely close to reality!”
Sunset suppressed a wince, recognizing all the signs of her girlfriend about to go off on a rant, but the older woman in the room was entirely unphased, sitting calmly with that neutral-but-inviting expression and occasionally making a sound that encouraged Twilight to keep going. It was pretty impressive, all in all, and Sunset found herself taking mental notes on the technique. It also told the redhead that this particular rant was something that did not need her intervention, and to instead just let Twilight get it all out. She settled to just rub her palm along a lavender skinned forearm in light affection and support.
Not that Twilight seemed to notice, still gesticulating in a manner in line with the outpouring of words tumbling over each other. “Given everything about who Cady is and what she does, it does stand to reason that if my parents had any problems with non-standard relationships, it would have come up or been expressed in some fashion by now…if anything, it seems quite the opposite, with somewhat vocal opinions in regards to the actions of some of the more conservative members of my extended family and on on the stories Cadence has related from the Dreamwalker Foundation, of children and teens expelled from their family homes or worse by bigotry and intolerance. On a rational and intellectual level, I know that my mom and dad will love me regardless of my preference in romantic partners and I can imagine my mother will be happy to take any advantage she has to make Sunset even more a part of our family…” As her rambling petered out, she shifted her attention back to Sunset with a smile that was both fond and slightly exasperated. “Mom would outright adopt you if she thought she could, you know…”
Dr. Soft-spoken shifted in her seat, drawing attention to herself. “That is all a very logical estimation of reality in comparison to some very emotionally driven anxieties and fears, Twilight, and I commend you on being able to separate the two—which is something I know you struggled without the last time we talked about this. I would be happy to help you devise some step by step strategies in working through your fears to be able to express yourself openly to your parents…but first, I would like to ask Miss Shimmer a few more questions. Is that alright with both of you?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Twilight agreed immediately, “as long as that's okay with Sunset.”
Her innards twisted, and Sunset answered carefully, falling back on the ingrained manners she’d used not long ago, scripting her reply along the lines of what Princess Celestia might say. “You may ask, but depending on the question…I may decline to answer it…”
“Something I am more than willing to accept—you are not technically my patient but my concern is in assuring that what advice and suggestions I make to Twilight will not be putting you at undue risk, Miss Shimmer.” Steepling her fingers, she asked, “First and foremost, will Twilight engaging in more open behaviors or speaking up about your relationship with her put you at any risk of negative consequences from your own family situation?”
Well…that was a question with a lot of things in the answer that she didn't want to explain to the woman. Better to keep it all simple and plain. “Not in the slightest—my living situation is secure and will not be changed by my relationship with Twilight or anyone else anytime soon.” She offered a slight smile to her girlfriend in reassurance that she was okay from the question.
The slight quirk to the doctor’s lips as she studied Sunset left the former unicorn with the unpleasant sensation that she might have inadvertently given away more than she wanted, and she resisted the urge to grimace. She did not like playing this kind of social game against others who could read her behavior in ways she didn’t deliberately allow. She considered her options as Twilight added, “Even if there was a possibility of that, Sunset already has a room that’s hers at my house.”
Sparky, she thought tiredly, please stop sharing.
Still, the way the woman seemed interested in that knowledge might prove useful in misdirecting her and ending the conversation’s focus on Sunset. “Mrs. Velvet and Mr. Night have spoken with me at length on the matter of where I live, and what options are available to me in the event that it ever becomes unsustainable.”
Blue-green eyes watched, and a brief sense of satisfaction tickled her when she saw the faint line of concern on the therapist’s forehead smooth out and the expression returned to that neutral one that she had worn most of the meeting. “Thank you for being forthcoming on that, Miss Shimmer—it sounds as though you have already put careful thought and consideration into your own situation, and that you have resources and support available should you need it.”
Sunset decided that this was a good place to take her leave of the conversation, before the therapist found other questions to ask. She leaned over and kissed Twilight on the cheek. “I think this is the part of the talk that is meant for you and her to talk privately, so I’m going to step out…” She cupped Twilight’s cheek gently as she stood. “You can do this, Sparky…and I’m here to do whatever you need me to do to help.”
Twilight gave her a smile, pressing her cheek into Sunset’s palm and soaking in the affection for a moment. “Thank you, Sunny. For coming with me, and for being understanding…”
“Hey…I told you…I’m here however you need me. Just like you are for me.” She tweaked that lavender nose playfully. “Best friends, remember? But I also know that this part is just between you and the doctor right now, because that's how these things work. So I’ll be right in the waiting room if you need me back in here, but I’m going to give you that privacy, okay?” Maybe it was a little cowardly of her, to hide behind the veneer of politeness and respect when half the reason for her exodus was not wanting to have more questions leveled at her that she didn't want to answer…but she wasn’t ready to have those things revealed to Twilight and certainly not in front of a stranger who would likely take her history as a sign of mental instability. That was the last thing she needed.
At least Twilight wasn't bothered. “I appreciate that part too, Sunny…that you respect my privacy enough to give me that space while still being close by. I’ll be done in…” Purple eyes studied the clock. “Forty two minutes.”
“No problem—I’ll do some homework or drop into group chat with my friends on my phone. If you need me, just let me know.” She pulled away with reluctance, before focusing on the therapist still watching them. “Doctor,” she said, slipping back into formality. “It truly was a pleasure.” It wasn't a pony body, but the act of holding her head high and keeping her carriage straight and steady was the same, as was the slight dipping of her head. She was the former protégé of the Goddess of the Sun—if Twilight felt this woman was due the level of respect and formal courtesy she would show someone in Celestia’s court, then she would not act like a sullen mule, no matter how uncomfortable the questions had made her. “I greatly appreciate you allowing me to accompany Twilight and sit in on part of the session…” She paused, a fraction too long, but it would have only been noticed by sour old Kibitz anyway. “…and your concern for my well being despite me not being your patient tells me that I have nothing to worry about with whatever plan you and Twilight devise in regards to this. You have my complete cooperation and support in whatever part I need to play in it.”
Perhaps she was reading too much into it, but Dr. Soft-spoken seemed to be taking her cue from the redhead’s own behavior, continuing to display a warm but professional air, enabling Sunset to maintain the emotional distance between them. It was a mild relief, but she still searched the woman’s face for any indication that she might have given away more than she intended with her words. It didn't take a genius level intellect to realize that this doctor who focused on the mind and emotion was a great deal more perceptive than her façade presented.
“Thank you for your willingness to be a part of this, Miss Shimmer—it is not an exaggeration to say your attitude and willingness have me feeling confident about the situation under discussion. Please feel free to help yourself to a snack or drink while you wait. There are vending machines down the hall, and if that doesn’t appeal, Mrs. Sakura has cookies and fresh coffee available as well.”
Sunset murmured her thanks and exited the room, closing the door quietly behind her so that her girlfriend could have privacy for the rest of her therapy session. She flopped onto the couch, the tension in her muscles making her back ache—stretching out on the soft surface would let her relax a bit before she had to drive Twilight home. One hand fished her phone out of her jacket pocket, so she could mindlessly read one of the books she’d downloaded onto her reader app.
She was lost in a mystery about a stolen fortune when fingers ran themselves through her hair, and a giggle reached her ears. Blinking, blue-green eyes looked up to meet purple. “Hey…”
Twilight gave her a smile, but she could see the anxious tension behind it. “Hey, yourself,” she managed.
Sitting up, Sunset looked her over in concern. “You okay, Sparky?”
“…I’m okay, Sunny.” There was a slight stiltedness to her words that hinted at stress she didn't want to address right now. “It was…hard…but knowing you were close by…helped. Dr. Soft-spoken assisted me in devising a series of acceptable plans, strategies, and stages.”
The former unicorn stood up, giving her girlfriend a brief hug. “I’m proud of you, Twilight…” She tugged on a dark ponytail lightly. “What do you say about a stop by the used bookstore and then milkshakes on the way home?”
A beaming smile was all the answer she needed.