"Who is attacking us, my children?" Black Jesus asked, walking into the conference room, where Equestria's top Generals and Princess Luna were waiting.

"Everyone, it seems." Luna replied, pressing a small button on the wall beside her, which activated a holographic map in the middle of the conference room. "Our air force is fighting off the ice dragons in the north, the Canine Union is attacking our west coast, and the griffons are attacking the east coast."

"What are we doing to counter this?" Princess Celestia inquired, sitting her fat flank in her pink bean bag chair. She eats too much cake (it's a shame the cake is a lie; she's actually pregnant).

"Every military and militia unit has been activated and is being deployed to counter the invasion, and our forces in Coltistan are being pulled back to help strengthen our forces. The Royal Guard is also ditching the ceremonial armor for modern weaponry and body armor, as you have already seen." the Princess of the Night responded, motioning to the ten Royal Guards in the room, all armed with HK G36C's and equipped with body armor and Kevlar helmets.

"Seems legit." Black Jesus commented, "my children, even in the face of a grave threat, I feel it is my duty to remind you that the power of Old Spice will prevail in the end. I sense a disturbance in the Spice, like there are dark forces at work behind this invasion. Make no mistake, many will die trying to defend our beautiful nation, but in the end, we shall prevail."

"Black Jesus is right," Luna stated, sneaking a wink at her lover, "there is nothing more powerful than Old Spice."

"I beg to differ."

Everyone in the room turned around to see an ominous figure disguised in a pitch black robe, just standing there with his arms crossed. The Guards in the room immediately trained their rifles on the uninvited guest.

"How dare you interrupt our meeting!" Princess Celestia bellowed at the mysterious figure, before turning to the Royal Guards, "Guards! Remove this filth!"

As the Guards cautiously began to approach the dark figure, their rifles brought to bear on him, the mysterious figure began to cackle evilly. He opened up his robe and pulled a metal hilt of some kind, similar to Black Jesus's energy sword. With the press of a button, a red rod (giggity) shot out of it. The robed figure swung the rod at the closest Guard, slicing him in half like butter.

"Open fire!" one of the Guards shouted.

"No, don't!" Black Jesus exclaimed. But it was too late, as the Guards began to unload on the lone robed figure. However, the bullets were stopped but an unseen force, and were sent flying back in the direction of the Guards seconds later, ripping them apart.

Black Jesus stood up and looked at the bloody remains of the Guards who were just seconds ago trying to protect him and the two princesses. Deep down in himself, the black son of God felt an intense anger burning inside of him. An unparalleled anger. And a thirst for blood.

"YOU FUCKER!" Black Jesus screeched, before he was surrounded by a yellow flash, blinding everyone in the room. Seconds later, when everyone regained their vision, they noticed that Black Jesus had just transformed into Super Saiyan Black Jesus.

"Impossible!" the robed figure exclaimed, swinging his red laser sword- you know what? Fuck it, we all know what it is. Anyways... the robed figure charged at Black Jesus, swinging his red lightsabre wildly at Saiyan Jesus, but the blows just bounced off of Saiyan Jesus, not even effecting him at all.

"And this isn't even my final form." Saiyan Jesus commented, before picking him up and tossing him out the window.

"Why don't you take a seat right over there, Spiderman?" Chris Hansen asked. 60's Era Spiderman honestly didn't give a fuck about Chris Hansen, but his words were hyponotic, causing the spider superhero to get up from his seated position and sit in the seat that Chris was motioning to.

"What are you doing here?" Chris Hansen inquired.

"What the fuck does it look like?" Spiderman asked, "Fuck you Hansen, I'm trying to enjoy myself!"

"Do you know how old she is?" Chris Hansen asked, pointing at Princess Lulu, the only living organism Spiderman gave a fuck for.

"I didn't ask out of respect." Spiderman responded. These words obviously shocked anyone who heard these words, except for Chris Hansen, because, you know, he's Chris Hansen.

"Oh really? The chat logs say otherwise." Chris Hansen stated.

Spooderman - dam u str8 babigurl how yung r u

DarkPrincess - Spiderman, I'm about to slap you with a dictionary.

Spooderman - cum on babi datl turn me on

DarkPrincess - What the hell, Peter?!

Spooderman - dam babi u hard

DarkPrincess - How drunk are you, Spiderman?

Spooderman - soooooooooo drunk wana cum over n join me babi

DarkPrincess - Why the fuck not?

"How the hell did you get that?" Princess Lulu asked, obviously rather pissed off.

"I don't always sell my friends information, but when I do, I sell it to random people on the internet." The Most Interesting Man in the World stated. Princess Lulu shot a glare his way, but The Most Interesting Man in the World merely shrugged.

"Fuck you." 60's Era Spiderman stated, glaring at The Most Interesting Man in the World.

"I'm sorry Spiderman, but for once, I'm not here for Dateline NBC." Chris Hansen stated, pulling a glock out of his jacket, "I'm here to kill you. In the name of Axe body spray."

"NO! DON'T DO IT CHRIS! DON'T BE THE BAD GUY!" Twilight and the rest of the internet begged.'

"I have my loyalties, purple talking unicorn (and internet users), and I am certainly not loyal to you." Chris Hansen stated, before putting his glock's barrel up against Spiderman's head.

"What? None of you are going to do anything?" Spiderman asked, "you're just going to stand there and watch me get killed? Fuck you guys."

"Any last words, Spiderman?" Chris Hansen asked.

"Yeah... first off... fuck you, Chris Hansen. Second, I don't give a fuck about you, Chris Hansen. And third, I didn't know she wasn't eighteen lol." Spiderman stated.

"Fair enough. Good bye, Spidey." Chris Hansen stated, as he started to put more pressure on the trigger. However, at the last second, there was a bright flash.

When everyone regained their vision, everyone noticed a few new arrivals in the room. In the middle of the room stood Pinkie Pie and two American soldiers, all three armed with assault rifles. And they were trained on the infamous host of Dateline NBC.

"You pull that trigger, and I'll blow your brains out." the soldier with a patch exactly like the patches Rambo Jesus wears on his uniform.

"Yeah, mother fucker." the other soldier stated.

"Yay! Blood and guts and explosions! Hey, you guys wanna go snort some crack after this?" Pinkie Pie asked.