Starlight smirked as she dealt cards out to everypony while watching Trixie and Maud glare at each other. Or rather, Trixie was glaring and Maud was just… sort of… staring.

“So… are you going to make out or should I get the next question ready?”

“Why not both?” Sunburst asked.

“Get the card so Trixie can reclaim her rightful place on top,” Trixie shot. Maud raised an eyebrow with all the haste of a glacier, eliciting a small blush from the magician, “You know what Trixie meant! Just read the stupid question already!”

Starlight giggled and pulled a black card out with a flourish, “Okay, here we go. Mate, do not go in that bathroom. There’s blank in there.”

“Mud Briar post-blowjob?” Trixie quipped.

Sunburst couldn’t restrain a snort, “Sorry, Maud. I don’t think you’re going to live that one down.”

“I will eventually,” Maud said slowly, “I just have to outlive the three of you.”

The three unicorns shared a concerned look at that.

Starlight smiled awkwardly. “Okaaay. Moving swiftly on, why don’t you all pass over your answers.”

That was apparently easier said than done, as it was several minutes before all of the answers were plonked down in front of Starlight.

“Going by the looks on your faces I’m guessing you’ve all got crap cards, so let’s just get this over with,” Starlight said as she flipped over the first one, “And speaking of crap… Mate, do not go in that bathroom, there’s a salad for stallions that’s made of metal in there.”

“…Trixie wishes she could mock it, but Trixie’s card is just as awful.”

“I’ll take your word for it. Mate, do not go in that bathroom, there’s self-loathing in there.”

“Okay maybe not that awful.”

“And lastly… Mate, do not go in that bathroom, there’s amputees in there.”

The four ponies just sat in awkward silence for a moment.

“Well that was terrible,” Sunburst said flatly.

“Agreed,” Starlight gave a half-lidded stare as she levitated one of the answers, “The metal salad wins, by sheer dint of being the least fucked up. Who had that one?”

Maud raised a hoof.

Starlight flicked the card over, “Okay, Trix, your turn.”

Trixie nodded and swept up a question, “Here is the church, here is the steeple, open the doors and there is… blank.”

“This might be a little more interesting than the last turn,” Sunburst grinned and passed an answer over, swiftly followed by the other two.

Eyeing Sunburst warily, Trixie picked up the first card and snorted, “Here is the church, here is the steeple, open the doors and there is a little colt who won’t shut the fuck up about dinosaurs.”

“Sunburst? What are you doing in a church?” Starlight quipped.

“Getting some peace and quiet, it’s the only place you can’t follow without bursting into flames,” he shot back, earning a glare from Starlight and a giggle from Trixie as she flipped over the next answer.

“Here is the church, here is the steeple, open the doors and there is… radical draconic terrorism?”

“So… guerrilla pillow stealing?” Maud asked.

“Or throwing baths out of windows…” Trixie added slyly.

Starlight squashed the cupcake she’d been about to pick up, glaring at the mess as if it had grievously insulted her and muttering furiously, “I swear if Twilight hadn’t stopped me I would have blasted that over-sized turd into the middle of next week. Stupid, lazy, thieving old thundercun-”

“A-anyway, last answer!” Trixie cut in quickly, “Here is the church, here is the steeple, open the doors and there is… uh…” Trixie raised an eyebrow as she looked at the last card, “The miracle of childbirth.”

Sunburst stared blankly at her, “Who would want to give birth in a church?”

“My parents decided to do that with Limestone, they thought Celestia would bless their firstborn with a sunny disposition if they did,” Maud said slowly, “They stuck with home-births for the rest of us.”

“Was it a normal birth for Pinkie or was it more of a flap-cannon?” Starlight asked, getting a disgusted look from Sunburst.

Trixie raised an eyebrow, “You mean like, ready… aim… fire?”

“And out flies a shit-load of confetti and a fluffy pink cannonball.”

“That gives me an idea for my show…”

“Don’t go getting knocked up just for an act, Trixie.”

“No no, Trixie was thinking more along the lines of her assistant-”

“Fuck. Off.”

Sunburst groaned and stuck his head in his hooves, “You’re sick, you’re both sick.” He declined to mention the image running through his mind of a doctor with a catcher’s mitt preparing to grab said pink cannonbaby.

Maud, for her part, just shuddered, trying desperately to keep any image of her sister’s birth out of her mind, “Can we please stop talking about anything that involves my mother’s vagina before I get irreparably traumatized? Who won that round?”

Trixie hummed and flicked through the answers again, “The little colt with the dinosaurs.”

“That was mine,” Sunburst said weakly, “Is it just me or has this game taken a trip towards weirdsville?”

“With a stop-off at the vile village,” Maud nodded as she dealt out the cards, “My turn, let’s try not to be so disgusting on this one.”

“No promises,” Starlight grinned.

Maud just rolled her eyes, “I’m sorry, Sir, but I couldn’t complete my homework because of blank.”

There was a brief shuffling of cards, and shortly three answers sat in front of the lone earth pony. Her lips almost twitched as she looked at the first one.

“I’m sorry, Sir, but I couldn’t complete my homework because of the gays.”

The other three burst into laughter at that one.

“They’re just so much fun to watch!” Starlight giggled.

“Is that how you passed the time at your old village?” Sunburst asked.

Trixie snorted into her cup, “What, you think she ordered stallions to pair up and churn the butter for her amusement?”

Starlight looked away, laughing awkwardly, “I never ordered them to…”

Trixie and Sunburst both blushed furiously, and even Maud raised her eyebrows.

“Oh… wow…” Trixie muttered.

Sunburst shifted uncomfortably, “You… uh… you never happened to be a member of the Canterlot After-Dark Circuit… did you?”

Starlight just looked at him blankly, “The what?”

“N-never mind! Next question!”

Despite her own curiosity, Maud obligingly flipped the next answer over, “I’m sorry, Sir, but I couldn’t complete my homework because of… teenage pregnancy.”

Trixie nodded, “Trixie thinks that would be a good reason.”

“Unless it was doing their homework that got them into trouble,” Starlight smirked and leaned forward, her voice taking on a sultry edge, “Who wants to study some… biology?” She burst into giggles as the others threw various food products at her, “Oh come on, that was funny!”

“So is cheese-based assault,” Sunburst narrowed his eyes at her as he levitated a random quesadilla, “Hold still.”

“Don’t start that again, you two,” Maud deadpanned as Starlight raised her own edible weaponry, “Last one. I’m sorry, Sir, but I couldn’t complete my homework because of… Cards Against Equestria.”

“Nopony who has homework would be anywhere near old enough to play this game,” Trixie said flatly.

Starlight raised an eyebrow, “Have you even seen some of Twilight’s students?”

“I though most of them were roughly teenaged?” Sunburst asked in surprise, “I know she’s got a least a couple of fillies there. What about that one I heard about recently, Cozy Gl-”

“DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT LITTLE BITCH!”

Sunburst shrank away from the suddenly seething Starlight, unable to tear his gaze from the crimson glow of utter wrath burning in her eyes.

“Trixie thinks you probably shouldn’t talk about that one, she’s a little sensitive over what happened,” Trixie stage-whispered.

“I’M NOT SENSITIVE!”

“Trixie-thinks-Sunburst-should-take-his-turn-before-Starlight-explodes-like-Mud-Briar-after-a-blowjob!”

There was a roar of unfettered fury from a certain unicorn-shaped hell-beast, then a flash of light as the demented former slave master teleported away. Moments later a colossal blast shook the cave, causing dust and grit to trickle down from the ceiling.

The remaining two unicorns could only stare in mute terror as Starlight casually trotted back into the cave and resumed her place at the picnic, a thin wisp of smoke rising from the tip of her horn.

“…better?” Sunburst asked cautiously.

Starlight smiled and nodded, “Much.”

“Thanks for doing that outside,” Maud added.

“No problem. Who won that one?"

Maud glanced at the answers, "Who had the teenage pregnancy?"

Trixie shakily raised a hoof, too shocked to comment even on such an easy innuendo.

Starlight just nodded again, "Sunburst? I think it’s your turn.”

“Er, right,” Sunburst glanced warily at her still-smoking horn as he picked up the last question of the round, “When I am the ruler of Equestria, I will create the Ministry of blank.”

Trixie smirked at Starlight, “Is this still the game, or one your old to-do lists?”

“Let’s not test her blood pressure just yet!” Sunburst said quickly.

Starlight just chuckled and waved a hoof, “It’s fine Sunburst, I just needed to vent my anger a little. I’m fine now. Besides, Princess Luna made sure to put that silly little filly right where she belongs.”

“All of those stories you write about hate-fucking her when she’s old enough probably help too,” Trixie shot.

Starlight just shrugged, “If it helped Twilight deal with her issues about you, why wouldn’t it work for me?”

“…what?”

“You really haven’t seen the books in the castle have you?”

Trixie just stared at her blankly.

“Anywaaay,” Sunburst said slowly, “Why don’t you all just pass your answers to me and we can get this round over with.”

A few moments later all three answers were sat in front of him.

“Okay. When I am the ruler of Equestria, I will create the Ministry of…” Sunburst blinked as he read the first answer, “Becoming a blueberry.”

“Trixie just wanted to get rid of that card.”

With a little frown Sunburst tossed the answer aside and grabbed the next one, “When I am the ruler of Equestria, I will create the Ministry of Catapults.”

“Don’t we all ready have one of those?” Starlight asked.

“Probably,” Sunburst sighed and flipped over the last answer, then choked as he read it, “Oh for the- that is just wrong!”

Starlight couldn’t resist a smirk, “Read it out, Sunburst.”

Sunburst just rolled his eyes and read out in a flat voice, “When I am the ruler of Equestria, I will create the Ministry of itchy pussy.”

Trixie and Starlight both burst into a fit of giggles at that one.

“Here, have an itchy pussy,” Sunburst flicked the card at Starlight, “I don’t know about you mares, but I could do with a break after that round.”

“Trixie thinks that is a good idea.”

“Really? I thought you’d be desperate to continue,” Starlight said.

“Why?”

“You’re still tied with Maud.”

“WHAT!?”

Author's Notes:

Sorry about the delay, finally got around to watching the finale of season 8 and couldn't resist throwing a little of that in there

Enjoy!

Current scores stand at:

Starlight- 3
Trixie- 5
Maud- 5
Sunburst- 3

Comments and Criticisms are appreciated and, as always, thanks for reading!