“Do we swap cards, or do we keep the ones we have?” Maud asked.

“Pretty sure we keep the same cards,” Starlight replied, “Everypony ready?” As the others nodded she smiled and flipped over a black card, “Oh boy, here we go. As the mom of five rambunctious colts, I’m no stranger to blank.”

Surprisingly it was Sunburst who put an answer in front of her first, while Trixie and Maud spent a few moments mulling over which one to pick. Once all three answers were ready she shuffled them and picked up the first.

“Okay, as the mom of five rambunctious colts, I’m no stranger to selling crack to foals.”

“Your own or others?” Trixie quipped.

“I wouldn’t sell crack to my own foals!” Starlight shot.

Sunburst raised an eyebrow at that, “You shouldn’t really sell crack to any foals.”

“Or any ponies at all, for that matter,” Maud added.

“Next card!” Starlight said loudly before anyone else could interrupt, “As the mom of five rambunctious colts, I’m no stranger to…” She snorted as she flipped the next card over, “Solving problems with violence.”

“That has… disturbing implications.” Sunburst said slowly.

“It also describes Starlight perfectly,” Trixie cut in, then she yelped as Starlight swatted her upside the head with a quesadilla, “You only serve to prove Trixie’s point!”

Maud frowned as she stared at the cheesy lump gripped in Starlight’s magic, “I don’t remember Pinkie bringing any of those.”

“I brought some,” Starlight replied, “I can’t eat them around the castle since Twilight’s terrified of them.”

“Wha- you could have told me that before I brought some with me last time, she threw Fluttershy at me for Celestia’s sake!” Trixie snapped.

“True, but that wouldn’t have been as funny,” Starlight said brightly, “Anyway, last card. As the mom of five rambunctious colts, I’m no stranger to…” Her eyes widened as she looked at the last card, then she smiled slightly and leaned forward, speaking in a sultry voice, “Looking in the mirror, applying lipstick, and whispering ‘tonight, you will have sex with Fancy Pants.”

“Is that how you ended up with five colts?” Trixie grinned.

“Not likely, Fancy Pants has standards,” Sunburst said casually, ignoring the scandalized spluttering coming from the other end of the picnic.

“Are they always like this with each other?” Maud asked, even more slowly than usual.

Trixie just shrugged, “Trixie thinks it’s some sort of bizarre mating ritual they have.”

Maud nodded sagely, “Boulder gets like that sometimes.” As Trixie’s brain stalled, she glanced over at Starlight, “So who wins that round?”

“Fancy Pants,” Starlight said softly, a bright smile plastered across her face that in no way matched the aura of pure menace radiating out of her.

“Ah, that was mine!” Sunburst piped up, snatching up the card before Starlight could hurl it at him. Or through him.

“And now it’s Trixie’s turn.” Trixie said, still glancing sidelong at Maud, “Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative properties of blank.”

Starlight floated a card over almost instantly, followed swiftly by Maud. Sunburst spent a little while flicking through his, before he shrugged and passed one over too. After a quick shuffle Trixie pulled out the first card with a flourish.

“Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative properties of… tentacle porn.”

“Oh, I like where this is going!” Starlight giggled.

“As does Trixie,” Taking a peek at the next card, Trixie smirked and took a deep breath, “Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative properties of…” she rose onto her back legs, throwing her forelegs out to the side as fireworks and sparklers flashed and crackled out behind her, “The Great and Powerful Trixie’s bright pink fuckhole!”

Starlight and Sunburst collapsed to the floor in hysterics, and even Maud managed half a smirk, “I’m pretty sure your fuckhole’s blue, Trix,”

“Not after all that tentacle porn!” Starlight gasped.

“Thank you, thank you, Trixie appreciates your adoration.” Trixie took a bow, preening herself as the other unicorns got themselves under control, “And now, for the last card! Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative properties of… being a motherfucking sorcerer!”

The two other unicorns cheered at that one.

“Whose mother did you fuck?” Maud asked.

“The mother of those five rambunctious colts, obviously.”

“Right in my bright pink fuckhole!” Starlight piped up.

“While reading tentacle porn,” Sunburst added.

The three unicorns slumped over the picnic, laughing in an only slightly insane manner, while Maud held a hoof in front of her face to hide what could almost be described as an actual smile.

Gathering herself together, Trixie levitated a card, “Who had the pink fuckhole?”

Starlight just held up a hoof, giggling like an idiot.

As she floated the card over, Trixie flicked her hair and sighed dramatically, “Alas, the Pure and Unsullied Trixie does not actually have any tentacle porn.”

Still chuckling, Starlight glanced over at her, “You mean you haven’t seen those books in the castle?”

“Wait, what?”

“Oh, look at that! It’s Maud’s turn!” Starlight said quickly, dealing out the cards for her.

Ignoring the deeply concerned look on Trixie’s face, Maud picked up her black card and gave it a confused look of her own, “This one has two blank spaces.”

“Oh, right. With those ones we each pick two cards and give them to the Card Princess in the order they’re supposed to be read in,” Starlight clarified, “Of course, that means we’ll each know exactly whose those answers are.”

“Oh, okay,” Maud nodded, “In that case, why don’t you each just read out your own answers?” The others glanced at each other for a moment, then shrugged and nodded to her, “I never truly understood blank until I encountered blank.”

Maud fully expected the answers for that to be traumatizing. What she didn’t expect was for the three unicorns to sit and stare at their cards, grumbling audibly.

“Eh, screw it,” Starlight said suddenly, “I never truly understood inappropriate yodeling until I encountered holding down a colt and farting all over him.”

She blushed as the others turned to her in surprise.

“What the shit Starlight!?” Trixie shot.

“Let’s see you do better!”

“Gladly,” Trixie drew herself up and cleared her throat, “The Great and Powerful Trixie never truly understood unfathomable stupidity until she encountered Nightmare Moon herself!”

Dead silence.

“Um, Trixie?” Starlight muttered, warily glanced up at the shadows in the ceiling which suddenly seemed a whole lot more ominous.

“Please don’t try and get my home cursed,” Maud deadpanned.

“There’s no such thing as curses,” Sunburst supplied, though he too was sneaking peeks upwards, “Then again I also used to believe that there was no such thing as Nightmare Moon so…”

“You do realise you’re going to have some hardcore nightmares tonight, right?” Starlight asked.

Trixie rolled her eyes, “Oh please, stop being such babies. Come on Sunburst, what’s yours?”

Sunburst gave the ceiling one last wary look, “Er, right. I never truly understood not giving a shit about homeless griffons until I encountered hospice care.”

Starlight groaned and pressed a hoof to her forehead.

Sunburst raised an eyebrow at her, “What’s wrong? That’s hardly the worst thing any of us have said so far.”

“I know, I know. It’s just…” Starlight groaned again, “Gallus has been secretly coming to my office a lot recently. He’s still bothered about the fact that he used to be homeless.”

The four friends just sat there for a moment, staring at the floor.

“Well that turn was fucking depressing,” Trixie said flatly.

Maud shoved the card over to Starlight, “Here, you win that one for not being depressing or scary.”

“And it’s my turn,” Sunburst sighed, “Blank. That was so metal.”

There was a brief pause as three answers were passed over.

“Okay, number one. Autocannibalism. That was so metal.” Sunburst raised an eyebrow, “If we have another turn like the last one I think eating myself might be a good idea.”

“I wish I could eat myself,” Starlight sighed.

“Don’t we all?” Trixie asked.

Maud shook her head, “Not really, I’ve got Mud Briar and Boulder for that.”

“Boulder!?” Starlight and Trixie squawked in unison.

Sunburst just shrugged and glanced at the next card. Not for the first time he found himself regretting moving on with the game, “Oh for the… you mares need professional help.”

“Obviously,” Starlight deadpanned, “But why this time?”

In answer he held up the card, “Kissing granny on the forehead and turning off her life support. That was so metal.”

Starlight chuckled nervously and looked away.

Sunburst glared at her for a moment, then flipped over the last card, “Gay conversion therapy. That was so metal.”

“Wow, these last couple of turns have been a mess,” Starlight said quietly.

Trixie nodded, “Trixie agrees, it’s almost like being on the road with you again.”

“Oh screw you.”

“Hmm, maybe later.” Trixie smirked.

“Not if the gay conversion therapy works!” Sunburst chimed in, "Which wins, by the way. Who had that one?"

"Trixie did."

“Is that even still a thing?” Starlight asked.

Trixie just shrugged and picked up a cupcake, “Meh, who cares? Let’s just get on with round three.”

Author's Notes:

More perversion and foulness for your reading pleasure!

I have no idea where the cheese-based violence came from, but I make no apologies for it.

Comments and criticisms are welcomed, Trixie Tentacle Porn ^TM is appreciated but not essential.

Current scores stand at

Starlight- 2
Trixie- 3
Maud- 1
Sunburst- 2