“Ooohh, you have no idea how much I’m looking forward to this!” Starlight gushed as she trotted through the crystal tunnels.

“Well, you haven’t talked about anything else since I got off the train so I think I’ve got a fair idea.” Sunburst quipped.

Starlight couldn’t help the small blush that crept onto her cheeks, “Oh, right, sorry.”

“It’s fine, Starlight, I’m looking forward to it too,” Sunburst chuckled, “After all this will be the first time the four of us have had a slumber party together.”

Starlight grinned as the two unicorns emerged from the tunnel into Maud’s waterfall grotto. Maud herself sat against a huge rock a little ways from her gazebo, a sumptuous picnic laid out on a blanket before her.

“Hey, I hope we’re not late.” Starlight said quickly as they approached.

Maud shook her head and responded in her usual, flat tone, “No, you’re right on time. I just finished setting up the picnic.”

Sunburst eyed the colossal spread warily, “Do you really think we can eat all of that?”

Maud looked down at the piles of food and drink, mounds of sandwiches, cake and assorted sweets interspersed with jugs of water and milk along with several bottles of fizzy apple cider gifted by Applejack, “Pinkie was really happy that I’m having my first slumber party with friends. I guess she went a little overboard.”

“Nah, this’ll be fine. Besides anything we don’t eat now we can have for breakfast.” Starlight glanced around, raising an eyebrow, “Where is Pinkie anyway?”

“She left not long before you arrived, she’s going to look after Boulder for the night.”

“Oh, okay then.” Starlight shrugged, “Well, since Mud Briar was busy with that tree thingy you mentioned I guess we’re just waiting on-”

POOF

“THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!!!”

The three sat and stared as the smoke bomb cleared, revealing Trixie in her trademark hat and cape striking a dramatic pose.

“You’ve been hiding behind that boulder the whole time haven’t you?” Starlight deadpanned.

“No.” After a moment she pointed a hoof at another rock, “Trixie was standing behind that one.”

“Hello again, Trixie,” Sunburst smiled as he levitated his saddlebags off and dropped them to the floor, “Now that we’re all here, shall we get started?”

Time passed swiftly as the four sat around the blanket, eating, drinking, and bringing each other up to speed on recent events in their lives. After a while though, the conversation slowly started to wind down. As Maud finished regaling the group about a vein of biotite gneiss she’d discovered, Trixie drained her glass and yawned loudly.

“Okay, so do we have anything planned for this party, or what? I’ve brought some of my fireworks if anypony wants to see a display?”

Starlight grinned and levitated a heavy book out of her saddlebags, “Well, I actually borrowed this from Twilight, in case we wanted ideas.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow as she read the cover, “Slumber one-oh-one?”

“Oh, I’ve read that one, it’s quite an informative book for those who’ve never been to a slumber party before,” Sunburst said, stroking his beard.

Trixie just rolled her eyes, “Right, did you bring anything else?”

Starlight gave her a frown, then levitated a small, black box out of her bags, “Well, I did borrow this from Sunset Shimmer.”

“Oh, your friend from through the mirror?” Sunburst asked with interest.

Trixie leaned forward, studying the box intently, “What is it?”

“It’s a card game from the human world, but she’s modified it to fit Equestrian culture a bit better.” Starlight replied.

“We’re playing that!” Trixie demanded.

Starlight gave the box a hesitant look, “Um, I should probably tell you that Sunset did give me a warning about this game, apparently it can get a little… extreme.”

“I don’t care I want to play it!” Trixie cried.

“Cards Against Equestria, a party game for horrible ponies,” Maud read aloud, “What does that mean?”

“Well… according to Sunset this game is disgusting, obscene, tasteless, raunchy and absolutely hilarious,” Starlight replied with a slight blush, “She says it’s something you should only really play with your closest friends.”

“Pfft, in that case we should definitely play it,” Trixie grinned, “That way we can show the world that we have the greatest and most powerful friendship of them all!”

Starlight raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, no, I think that title goes to Twilight and her friends, what with the rainbow laser beam of friendship and all.” she deadpanned.

Trixie folded her forelegs with a pout, “Fine, but I still say we should play.”

“I agree with Trixie,” Maud cut suddenly, “It would be nice to have played a game that Pinkie’s never heard of for a change.”

“Sounds good to me, what about you Sunburst?” Starlight asked.

Sunburst hummed, frowning at the box, “On the one hoof I am somewhat concerned by the warning Sunset gave you. But on the other hoof this is a game from an alternate world, it’s so fascinating!” Finally he smiled and nodded curtly, “All right, I’m in!”

“Excellent! Okay, so here’s the rules.”

Starlight opened the box and pulled out two sets of cards, shuffling them in her magic, “We each get ten of these white cards. The pony who goes first becomes the Card Princess and draws one of these black cards and reads out either a question or a fill-in-the-blank phrase. Everypony else answers the question or fills in the blank by passing one of their cards, face-down, to the Card Princess. You with me so far?”

The others nodded obediently as Starlight starting dealing out the white cards.

“Once everypony has given the Card Princess their card, he or she then shuffles the answers and reads each card combination out loud to the group. The Card Princess then picks the funniest answer, and whoever submitted it gets one point. After that everyone draws more white cards until they’re back up to ten, the next player becomes the Card Princess, and you start over again.

“Sounds simple enough,” Sunburst said brightly, “How do we decide who wins?”

Starlight rubbed a hoof under her chin, “Sunset said it’s best to just pick a number of rounds to play for, then whoever has most points at the end wins. Shall we see how we go with ten rounds?”

“So we each get to be the Card Princess ten times?” Maud asked.

“Yep.”

Sunburst smiled, “Sounds good to me.”

“Me too, it sounds like a stand-up comedy act.” Maud added.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie shall prove her superiority using this otherworldly game of wit and humor!”

Starlight grinned at her, “We’ll see about that, who’s going to go first?”

“I think Starlight should be the Card Princess first, she did bring the game after all.” Sunburst supplied, “After that we’ll just take it in turns going around the group.”

“Alright then. In that case, let’s get started. Everpony take a look at your cards!”

There were a few moments of silence as the four picked up their cards and inspected them.

Sunburst nearly choked as he read through his cards, Trixie’s eyes were popping out of their sockets, and even Maud raised her eyebrows as she sorted through hers.

“What… what is this…?” Sunburst asked quietly.

“Should I be concerned? I’m concerned.” Trixie said flatly.

Starlight looked around at each of her friends worriedly, “Are you still sure you want to play?”

Trixie tilted her head back and frowned down at her, “Trixie’s not going to chicken out from this.”

Sunburst stared wildly around at the others, “But this is… this is obscene! How can you expect me to sit here and let a mare say some of these things!?”

“Oh you’re not getting away after saying something like that!” Starlight said with a glare, “What about you Maud?”

Maud looked slowly around at each of the others, “I’m playing, but only if we agree to never show this game to any of my sisters.”

“Deal! Start us off Starlight!” Trixie cried before Sunburst could interrupt.

“Alright, here we go,” Starlight smirked and flipped over a black card, “Fifty percent of all marriages end in blank.”

“Oh no…” Sunburst muttered.

Surprisingly, Maud was the first one to slide a card over to Starlight, Trixie humming as she sorted through hers, trying to decide between them. Finally she shrugged and passed one over, leaving Sunburst still frantically flicking through his.

“Come on Sunburst, it can’t be that bad. Just throw one over.” Starlight admonished.

“Oh… but this one’s too… but then this one doesn’t make any sense! Maybe this one…?”

The three mares let him continue like this for a few minutes, before finally Trixie snapped.

“JUST HOOF OVER A CARD ALREADY!”

Sunburst jumped as if electrocuted, “Oh, uh, this one!”

Starlight rolled her eyes and shuffled the answers, not an easy feat when there are only three cards, and picked one out at random, “Okay, here we go! Fifty percent of all marriages end in…” She flicked the card around and raised an eyebrow, “Braiding three penises into a lollipop. Nice to see that we’re off to a classy start.”

Sunburst grimaced as his brain tried to process that mental image, then firmly rejected it, “That’s… I just… what?”

Maud blinked slowly, “That’s not an easy thing to picture, but I assume it would probably be enough to end a marriage.”

“I guess it depends on who’s doing the braiding.” Trixie quipped, earning a look of shocked disgust from Sunburst.

“Pretty sure whoever does the braiding is going to get divorced.” Starlight shot, “Next one, fifty percent of all marriages end in getting really high.”

“Isn’t that how fifty percent of all marriages start?” Maud asked.

Starlight shook her head, grinning evilly, “Nah, that’s how fifty percent of foals are conceived.”

Sunburst stared from one mare to the other, a look of abject horror on his face. He seemed to be beyond the capacity for rational thought at this point.

Starlight smirked and prodded him in the side, “Come on, Sunburst, lighten up.”

A blush crept across his cheeks as he stared down at his cards, “I’m sorry, I guess I’m just not used to ponies being so… blasé about such topics.”

“Your best friends are all reformed villains, best start getting used to it,” Starlight reached over to pat him on the shoulder.

“I’m not a reformed villain,” Maud put in, “Though I suppose I did give unintentionally help Starlight enslave a village, do you think that counts?”

“Eh, we’ll ask Twilight about it later, just to freak her out. Anyway, last answer is… fifty percent of all marriages end in…” Starlight flipped the last card over, “A sassy hippogriff?”

Trixie snorted, “Oh wow, that’s lame!”

“I don’t know, I’ve noticed Silverstream getting more than a few looks from the colts at Twilight’s school.” Starlight frowned as she inspected the three answers before her, then shrugged, “Who had the lollipop braiding?”

“That would be Trixie,” Trixie said smugly.

Starlight smirked and tossed her the card, “Congratulations, you win the first point.”

“Naturally, and now it is Trixie’s turn to judge you all as the Card Princess!”

Trixie dealt a white card each to herself, Maud and Sunburst. After a moment of inspecting their new cards she cleared her throat and drew a black card, “Trixie gets by with a little help from blank.”

“Oh this is going to be good,” Starlight muttered.

“Do your worst,” Trixie countered with a smirk.

After a minute or so of checking their cards, and cajoling Sunburst into picking one, three answers sat in front of Trixie, drew herself up impressively as she selected the first card.

“Very well, the Great and Powerful Trixie gets by with…” Trixie flipped over the card and the smile slid from her face in an instant. “Daddy issues,” she deadpanned.

Starlight snorted with laughter at the blank look on her face.

“Oh hey, so does Starlight! No wonder you two get along so well,” Sunburst quipped, killing the laughter instantly and earning a scorching glare instead.

“Next answer,” Trixie huffed, “Trixie gets by with a little help from…” she flipped over the next card and her eye started to twitch, “My collection of Neighponese sex toys.”

Maud smiled slightly as Starlight howled at that one. Even Sunburst couldn’t restrain an awkward giggle, though he looked mortified at his own amusement immediately afterwards.

Trixie ignored them and said in a flat voice, “And finally, I get by with a little help from…” She arched an eyebrow as she read the last card, bewilderment etched across her face, “A pangender octopus who roams the cosmos in search of love?”

“Is that a friend of Discord’s?” Maud asked, earning a renewed chuckle from Starlight.

Sunburst gave a small, smug smile, “That one wasn’t so lame now was it?” The three mares stared at him in surprise, “What, I thought it was funny?”

“I suppose it was, in some small way,” Trixie admitted, “But I think the Neighponese sex toys were better, who had those?”

“I don’t have any, but it was my card,” Maud replied.

Trixie’s jaw dropped as Maud casually scooped up the black card and dropped it next to her, “I thought for sure that was Starlight’s card?”

“I wish, what makes you think that?” Starlight asked.

Trixie frowned at her as if she’d just said something ridiculous, “Well duh, you’re the only other ex-villain here, I thought Maud was frigid and innocent like Sunburst!”

“Hey!” Sunburst and Starlight exclaimed in unison.

“I do have a colt-friend you know,” Maud dealt out white cards and picked up a question card, “Anyway, it’s my turn now. In the Canterlot Dungeons, word is you can trade two hundred cigarettes for blank.”

There was a brief shuffling as the others sifted through their cards.

“Meh, this is the only one I have that makes any sense,” Starlight sighed as she tossed a card over, swiftly followed by Trixie.

Sunburst was still flicking through his cards anxiously.

“Come on Sunburst, you don’t have to put too much thought into this,” Starlight said softly, “Just pick any card that makes sense, or even one that doesn’t if it’ll be funny.”

Sunburst separated one card in his magic, staring at it as if it was toxic, “Well, the only one I have that makes sense is this one, but I couldn’t possibly force a mare to say something like this.”

“Yoink!”

“Wha- no!”

Sunburst made a desperate lunge for the card as Starlight yanked it out of his magic with her own and tossed it to Maud.

“Maud, please, just let me pick ano… ther…”

Sunburst trailed off as Maud grabbed the card, neatly slotted it between the other two, then started shifting and shuffling them at a speed nopony could have imagined that she possessed, her hooves moving so fast they were a blur.

“Sorry, but I don’t know which one is yours now.” Maud selected a card at random and held it up, “In the Canterlot Dungeons, word is you can trade two hundred cigarettes for… bubble butt bottom boys.”

“Oh wow. Sunburst, I didn’t know you swung that way.” Starlight said appreciatively.

“That wasn’t my card!” he barked.

Ignoring the others, Maud picked up the second card, “In the Canterlot Dungeons, word is you can trade two hundred cigarettes for…” Her nose seemed to crease for an instant, then she looked up and fixed Sunburst with an odd look, “A posh wank.”

Starlight and Trixie burst into hysterics as Sunburst blushed so quickly and so deeply he suddenly bore a startling resemblance to Big Mac. A scrawny, weedy version of Big Mac, perhaps, but Big Mac nonetheless.

“How… how do you… even have a posh wank?” Trixie gasped.

“I don’t know, ask Sunburst!” Starlight spat, tears of mirth streaming down her face, “It’s the only kind he’s ever had!”

“I… what… how do you…” Sunburst babbled, indignation and shame scrambling his thought process.

Maud suddenly made a hook with her hoof and started pumping it in a very inappropriate manner between her hind legs. “Oh I say,” she said in her usual deadpan voice.

That was enough to break the other mares. Starlight and Trixie both flopped onto their backs, roaring with laughter as they cried. Whether that was from the bizarre image of Maud pretending to have a posh wank, or just because their sides hurt too much, nopony would ever know.

Sunburst, for his part, didn’t respond. His embarrassment had knocked his brain far beyond the capacity for rational thought by now.

Maud patiently waited for the mares to get themselves under control before she flipped over the last card, “In the Canterlot Dungeons, word is you can trade two hundred cigarettes for… meth.”

“Eh, probably,” Trixie giggled, wiping away a tear.

“Well, you would know,” Starlight quipped.

Trixie threw her an evil grin, “You’d know more about it than Trixie, didn’t you use it to enslave a whole village?”

“Only on Mondays.” Starlight chuckled, “So who wins that round?”

“Much as Trixie hates to admit it, the posh wank was by far the superior answer.”

Maud made to hoof the card over to Sunburst, but he was still in some sort of shame-induced coma.

Glancing around, Starlight picked up a jug of water and threw the contents in his face. Once he’d finished spluttering, Maud pushed the card over to him, “Here, you won that round. Now it’s your turn.”

Still somewhat dazed, Sunburst took the card and stared at it as the others dealt out new cards, “Right, my turn, right.” He took a moment to shake the water out of his mane and clear his throat, then picked up a question card. Voice trembling, he read it out slowly, “What did I bring back from Mexicolt?”

A few moments later, after some grumbling about the cards, three answers sat in front of him.

“What did I bring back from Mexicolt?” Gingerly lifting the first one in his magic, Sunburst gave a little sigh of relief as he read it out, “Bananas.”

“Do bananas even grow in Mexicolt?” Starlight asked.

“Who cares! I like that answer! Next one, What did I bring back from Mexicolt?” Sunburst eagerly flipped the next one over, and regretted it instantly, “AIDS.” He turned a half-lidded stare on the mares as they giggled, “Nice.”

“That’s what happens when you mess with dirty mares and guacamole,” Trixie quipped.

“Speaking from experience?” Starlight asked.

“Pretty sure she’d be dead by now if she was,” Maud replied.

“Anyway,” Sunburst cut in, “Last card. What did I bring back from Mexicolt?” He picked up the last card, then sighed. “Do I really have to say this?”

“Say it!” Trixie urged with a twisted leer on her face.

“No prizes for guessing who’s card this is,” Starlight muttered.

With the air of a pony who just wants to get things over and done with, Sunburst read out, “A fuck-tonne of almonds.”

“Haha! The Great and Powerful Trixie has successfully gotten Sunburst to swear! All shall bow befo-OW!”

Her grandstanding was cut off as Sunburst flicked the card at her in his magic, catching her right between the eyes, “There you go, your reward.” He sighed heavily, “There we go, that’s this round over, Trixie’s in the lead, and Equestria is doomed if this sick game ever leaves this grotto.”

“Probably,” Starlight admitted, “But we still have nine rounds left, are you up for it?”

Sunburst mulled it over for a moment, then he stomped his hooves, determination lining his features, “You know what? Yes, yes I am. You fillies are going down.”

Starlight cracked a grin, “Alright, Sunburst is finally fired up!” Her horn lit up as she started topping up everypony’s cards, “Ready for round 2?

Author's Notes:

And let the madness begin!

Just a thought I've had rolling around in my head for a little while now, it's about time I got this filth out of my skull and out into the world.

Hope you enjoy! Comments and criticisms are greatly appreciated but please, no posh wanking.

At least, not where I can see.