My Little Pony: Love is Confusing

by TheTwientist

Chapter 12: Pinkie Pie's Speed-Dating Service

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Subtitle: Background character-stravaganza!

Twilight briefly looked up from her desk when she heard the sound of a door being slammed. Or trying to be slammed, at least. It actually just floated closed with a defeated squeak.

Twilight was, naturally, a smart pony, and even if the field of romance did not come naturally to her, she could tell what had happened from Spike's expression. If he had been any more crushed, he'd have been roadkill.

"So it didn't go very well?" she asked, trying to be nice.

"Twilight," said Spike gruffly, "remember what you did when I asked you about your date with Octavia?"

Twilight looked away, abashed. "I threw a book at you."

"You threw the entire encyclopedia set at me."

"I was in a bad mood," murmured Twilight, studying her hooves with interest.

"Maybe that's how I feel right now," growled Spike as he trundled into the kitchen. He returned with a gallon of ice cream, muttered something about "freezing his sorrows", and headed up to his bed.

Twilight had tried to stop him, but he had been so dead set on asking Rarity out that it eventually seemed futile. He had to find out the hard way.

And by the looks of it, that way was harder than diamonds.

About twenty minutes later, the door swung open, but this time, it was a much more optimistic swing. Any readers who are experts in door-opening psychology will be able to tell right away that it is Pinkie Pie who has opened the door, and they would be correct.

The pink mare bounced into the room, grabbed Twilight, and bounced out. This happened so quickly that they were approximately halfway across Ponyville before Twilight realized that the green surface beneath her was not, in fact, the complete works of Starswirl the Bearded.

"Pink-ie-what's-go-ing-on?" Twilight gasped.

"It's a surprise!" said Pinkie brightly.

By the time Twilight had processed this, they were already at Sugarcube Corner. The two were moving so fast that Twilight failed to notice a banner adorned with hearts and an extremely familiar face.

However, Twilight did notice the large crowd of ponies inside, and that they all seemed to perk up when Twilight went by. In a flash, Pinkie whisked Twilight up the stairs, and plopped her down at a table.

"Pinkie! What's going on? Why did you take me here? What's with all those ponies-"

"SURPRISE!" shouted Pinkie.


"Welcome to Pinkie Pie's Speed-dating Service!"

"Oh no." The realization set in like a ton of bricks. "Nononono-"

"I heard you couldn't get a date, so I put up some posters saying that anypony who wanted a date for Hearts and Hooves day should come here!"

"Pinkie, I really don't think this is a good idea."

Pinkie paused momentarily. "But of course it's a good idea! There are tons of ponies down there! Statisically, one of them has to be a perfect match for you!"

Twilight was too stunned by the fact that Pinkie had used the word "statistically" to say anything.

"No, let's practice," said Pinkie, taking a seat at the table. "Hi, I'm Pinkie!"

Twilight rolled her eyes and said, "Hi, Pinkie."

The next instant, Pinkie had grabbed Twilight and had started making out with her.

"MMMMPHHHHH!" said Twilg\ight, which roughly translates to "Pinkie, what are you doing? This is most abnormal! Put me down this instant!"

Luckily, after about thirty seconds, Pinkie finally had to come up for air. Even more luckily, neither of the Cakes had been around during that time. Twilight attempted to speak, but could only gasp. Pinkie prepared for another go-round, but Twilight was able to stop her.

"Pinkie, what huff in the name of Celestia huff was that?"

"Practice!" said Pinkie. "That's how it works, isn't it?"

"I don't think so," said Twilight. "I think it's more along the lines of getting to know the pony. The kissing comes later."

Pinkie blinked. "Oh! Okay. Well, you obviously know a lot more about this than I do! NEXT!"

She disappeared down the steps, leaving the protesting Twilight all alone.

Twilight stared at the blue unicorn mare sitting across from her. She had an hourglass cutie mark and a dark blue mane with a white streak in it. She was beaming at Twilight.

"Hello," the mare said pleasantly.

"Hi," said Twilight, trying to recall the mare's name. "It's . . . Colgate, isn't it?"

The mare's smile rapidly turned into a scowl.

"It's Minuette!" she growled. "My name is Minuette! I conduct the Canterlot Orchestra! Never get a wrong rhythm! But does anypony care? No! They just see the stupid white streak in my mane, and call me Colgate! Like the freaking toothpaste!"

Her eyes were tearing up. "I. Hate. That. Name!"

She dashed back down the stairs.

Not a very good start, Twilight mused. "Um, next?"

Twilight blinked her eyes repeatedly to make sure she wasn't seeing double. She wasn't, obviously, but then the absence of a mustache on one of the stallions should have tipped her off already.

"So . . . there are two of you?" Twilight asked.

"That's right," said Flim and Flam simultaneously.

"That's a bit . . . odd," said Twilight.

"Well, we're a package deal!" said Flam. "Two for the price of one!" added Flim.

"Just think about it," Flam continued. "The odds of us missing a date are cut in half, at least! You'll have constant romantic companionship! And, best of all-"

He whispered something in Twilight's ear, while Flim grinned at her.

"Ew ew ew! No!" spluttered Twilight. "NEXT!"

Twilight was pleasantly surprised to see a familiar, friendly face arrive.

"Hey Derpy," Twilight said, smiling. "You're looking for a date?"

"Hiya Twilight!" exclaimed Derpy, one eye focused on the purple unicorn, the other on the wall. "I just read the poster and saw that you needed a date, so I wanted to be your date and make you happy!"

"Why, that's very kind of you-" Twilight was cut off by the sound of a chair breaking. Looking down, she found Derpy sprawled on the floor.

"Oh dear, let me help you-"

"I'm okay," insisted Derpy. She struggled back up to her feet and retrieved something from her bag.

"I brought you muffins!" she said proudly. "I made 'em myself!" She plopped the tray onto the table with a loud clang, and baked pastries flew everywhere.

Twilight snagged one off the floor, and noticed that it had probably been improved from the addition of dirt and hair.

"Um, Derpy," she said, trying to be kind, "it's really nice of you to offer to be my date, but you don't have to do that. I'm sure I can find somepony for the gala who I like."

Derpy frowned. "You mean you don't like me?"

"Not in that way, Derpy," Twilight said gently.

Derpy got up and slowly plodded down the stairs, sniffling.


The next pony was one who quite clearly looked down upon Twilight. Not that she condescended her in any way, she was just so tall that she towered several hands over Twilight.

"Princess Luna? What are you doing here?"

"Same as everypony else, I suppose," she said. "I want to be your date!"

Although this was the logical conclusion, it still caught Twilight off guard. "You? Want to date me?"

Luna sighed. 'It's terribly lonely, being stuck on the moon, all by yourself with nopony to talk to. I need somepony to love!"

Twilight was speechless. After several moments, she gathered her thoughts together enough to be able to say, "But- you're a goddess! You're immortal!"

Luna bent down and looked deep into Twilight's eyes. "'Tis of no matter! I will still cherish you for every night of your life!"

"But- but I'm your sister's protege!" Twilight squeaked.

Luna grabbed Twilight and lifted her into the air. "We do not need her! Let us elope together!" Luna's eyes appeared to have a maniacal glint. "We shall found a new, greater country, you and I! We shall rule together as Princesses OF THE NIGHT!"

Luna paused abruptly. The maniacal glint drained from her eyes. She set Twilight down, and stared at the floor. "Sorry. I got a bit carried away."

"Happens to the best of us," Twilight said, shaking slightly.

"So do you-"

"No thanks."

"Figures. Farewell, Twilight Sparkle." The purple alicorn trudged back down the stairs.

The yellow earth pony sat down across from Twilight with a goofy smile on his face. "Howdy, Twilight."

"Hello, Braeburn! What brings you to these parts?"

"Why, Applejack needed some help gettin' that caterin' order done, so I came from APPPAAAALLOOOOSSSAAAA-"

The table went flying, and Twilight with it.

"Aw shucks, ah'm so sorry," Braeburn said as he helped Twilight back to her feet. "Ah 'spose Ah've just ruined my chances?"

"No offense, but yeah," said Twilight.

"Gee, you're picky, Twilight," said Pinkie, peeking over the bannister. "There's only one pony left down here!"

"Probably the one pony left in Equestria who'd be willing to date me," Twilight groaned. "Let's just hope that it's not a complete jerk."

From the bottom of the steps, an all-too-familiar snapped impatiently, "Will you hurry up? The GREAT and POWERFUL Trrrrixie does NOT like to be kept waiting!"

Twilight's eyes widened in alarm. "Is Braeburn still here?"

Poor Spike. And Twilight. And everypony who got rejected by Twilight.

The Tally:

Number of Times Twilight Has been Kissed: 2
Number of Ponies She Has Kissed: 1
Number of Times Twilight Wanted To Be Kissed: 0

Next Chapter: Denial, Depression, and Last-Minute Dates, Part 1 Estimated time remaining: 37 Minutes
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