You groggily roll off the mattress in Twilight’s basement, dimly aware that tomorrow is your last day of peace before the greatest battle this world has ever seen. You drag yourself up into the library proper where you can smell Spike making breakfast, whatever it is it smells fucking delicious.

”Morning, Anon!” he says.

”Morning Spike. What’s this?”

”Well I remembered that you said you didn’t really like pony food, so I just made regular pancakes.”

”What’re pancakes?” you ask. "War unending doesn’t really afford one many opportunities to try new food."

Spike looks at you like you’ve grown a second head.

”You mean you’ve never had pancakes before?”

”I... no?”

Before you can blink there’s a plate of pancakes shoved onto the counter before you.

”Well then you’re gonna love these! Everypony loves my pancakes!”

”Well I guess we’ll find out.” you mumble.

You take a hesitant bite, expecting inedible pony food, but sweet Slaanesh this is the most delicious thing ever. You lift the plate up and upend it into your mouth, the pancakes vanishing down your maw. You then slam the empty plate back down onto the table.

”THIS LACK OF PANCAKES OFFENDS SLAANESH!”

---

You are Twilight Sparkle and you’ve just walked into a scene out of a nightmare. You opened the door to your house to find bowls and plates scattered everywhere, batter and syrup spatters coat every surface of the library, it’s like there was some horrible pancake massacre. You trot warily into the kitchen where you discover the source of the mess.

Anonymous is sitting at the table scarfing down a mountain of pancakes with a gusto that is really quite frightening. Spike is over at the stove wearing a little chef’s hat and happily working away on more pancakes.

”What the hay is going on here?” you shout.

Anonymous pauses briefly to look up at you before returning to the pancakes.

”Hey Twilight!” he says. At least you think that’s what he says. It’s kind of hard to understand him when his head is submerged in pancakes.

”Hey Twi’.” Spike says, with a wave. “Turns out Anon REALLY likes my pancakes!”

”Funnily enough, I had worked that out for myself.” you say.

”So where’ve you been?” Anon asks. “You never came home last night.”

”I told you, I went to go talk to somepony.”

”Oh yeah? All night?” Anon asks with a snicker.

You roll your eyes. “Oh grow up. I was in Canterlot.”

”Oh yeah? Anypony I know?” Anon asks.

”Not at the moment, but you will soon.”

---

You are Anonymous and why did that sound so ominous?

”Oh really? Care to enlighten us?”

”You’ll find out soon enough.” Twilight says. “He’s on his way here right now and should be in Ponyville any minute.”

”The suspense is killing me.” you say, scarfing down the rest of your pancakes.

”The princess also wanted to talk to you. And... should I even ask about the big hand shaped bruise on her flank?”

”Do you want to?”

”I... I think I’ll pass.” she says.

”Your loss. So, where can I find Celly?”

”Last I saw her she was organizing the construction of defenses around the town.”

”That’s incredibly specific.” you say.

”Well you’d better get looking then. In the meantime Spike is gonna clean all this up.”

”Awwwwww! Come on, Twi’!”

You mouth an apology to Spike before sprinting out the door before Twilight tries to get you to help.

A few minutes later finds you walking through Ponyville wishing that ponies would just tell you where things were instead of leaving you to your own devices. As you reach the main street of the town you’re treated to something of a spectacle. A large group of armored ponies was currently making its way through Ponyville, seemingly in the direction of Twilight’s library. At their head is a pony whose armor you swear was based off of the pre-Heresy Emperor’s Children pattern.

This fucking pony is now your new favorite pony. Well, who isn’t Vinyl of course. But... sweet Slaanesh he could be related to her. He's a unicorn, the same blinding white like she is, even his mane is colored exactly the same electric blue just like hers. Does Vinyl have a brother?

He spots you and gives a command to the ponies with him and they begin heading your way. You feel your curiosity grow. When the reach you the one in your legion’s old colors addresses you.

”Are you Anonymous of the Emperor’s Children?” he asks.

You nod slowly. “Yes, that would be me.”

He snaps a salute.

”My name is Shining Armor, Captain of the Canterlot 501st Royal Guard Legion. Princess Celestia has ordered us to be placed under your command during the defense of Ponyville.”

Wat.

”I’m sorry, what? I’m... commanding you?”

He nods. “That’s correct, sir.” he says.

You look over the guardsponies assembled before you. Lamellar armor. They're wearing fucking lamellar armor. You have no doubt that these ponies are likely highly trained soldiers, but for fuck’s sake. You shake your head in dismay.

”No.”

Shining Armor looks confused.

”Sir?”

”No. You will not fight. This is far too dangerous for you.”

”Sir, I assure you, the 501st is one of the best trained legions in the Guard. We-”

”How much action have you seen?”

”Sir?”

”Battlefield action. How much live combat has your legion seen?”

”We... we have no combat experience, sir. No legion does. Equestria has been at peace for thousands of years.”

Oh that is fucking rich.

”You!” you point at a random guardspony. “Give me your weapon.”

Without hesitation he tosses you his spear and you catch it in one hand. Then without a thought you squeeze and it snaps in half like a twig.

”Wooden spears. Lamellar armor and wooden spears.”

”Sir, th-”

You cut him off.

”Perhaps a demonstration is in order.”

You pull your bolt pistol from your belt.

”This is the most basic of all Astartes weaponry and, frankly, one of the weakest weapons we employ. Its ammunition is a .75 calibre round with a diamantine tip, depleted deuterium core, and a mass reactive detonator.”

For demonstration, you point at the ground and fire a single shot. The mass reactive round detonates in a spray of dirt, leaving behind a hole half the size of a pony. The guardsponies look on in shock, stunned by the power of your weapon.

”And... what about that one?” Shining Armor asks, pointing at your Blastmaster hanging from its strap on your shoulder.

You laugh. “Oh this? This is my Blastmaster.” you heft it affectionately. "With it I could probably kill you all in a little under a second.”

You look back at a wide eyed Shining Armor.

“So please. Trust me when I say this battle is no place for ponies, no matter how well trained. If you participate in this battle then every single one of you will die. Please, just go back to Canterlot.”

You turn and begin walking away.

”No.”

You pause and turn to see a resolute Shining Armor staring at you.

”Equestria is our home. Who will defend it if not us?”

”The Space Marines will. A single one of us is worth a thousand of you.”

”Even so, it is our duty to protect the ponies of the kingdom. Surely you understand that.”

You sigh as he says it. You do, really, you do. You understand completely. Even now as a traitor you feel it, that sense of duty. You had once wanted to use Chaos to protect humanity from all those that would harm it. But these ponies could never stand against this foe, no matter their desire to protect.

”Shining Armor, I commend your bravery, but I am not lying when I say you will all die. Do yourselves a favor, go back to Canterlot, look after your loved ones. You cannot help us.”

"I will not accept that!” Shining Armor says, stamping a hoof in anger.

”Why are you so adamant about this?” you demand. “Do you yearn for death so greatly?”

”Because we all have loved ones who will suffer if this battle is lost. Doing nothing is not an option. Have you ever had anypony you loved so much you’d die to protect them?”

Of course you had. Before you fell you would have died to save any of your brothers. And Vinyl of course. But... would you say you loved her? It's only been what, three, four days since you came to Equestria? Is that long enough for love to develop?

Of course it is. Your passions ignite at the slightest provocation like a spark to a promethium ocean; suddenly and fiercely.

”Aye. That I have, Shining Armor. And I respect that of you, but what could you possibly do against these foes that give even human warriors pause?”

He motions towards his men with a hoof.

”We are all highly trained unicorn mages, we do not need to participate in the battle directly, but could offer support, first aid, even magical artillery.”

Huh. That was actually a lot more useful than you were hoping for.

”Very well. If it is truly what you desire then I would be honored to command your legion in the coming battle.”

Shining Armor smiles and snaps a salute. “The 501st is called Celestia’s Hoof for a reason, sir, we will not disappoint you!”

”I don’t doubt you, Shining Armor. Now I suggest that you report to Discus Infernus of the Disco Marines for further instructions regarding defenses. You’ll likely find him in the Astartes outpost on the outskirts of town.”

“Yes sir!”

”On your way then, battle-brother. I look forward to fighting by your side.”

With that you activate your raptor pack and shoot off into the sky, resuming your mission to find Celestia and find out what the fuck she was thinking, giving you command of a pony legion.

In the distance you see the legion of Rubric Marines standing at parade rest in perfect rows. You can’t help the pang of disgust that runs through you at the sight of them. Soulless, unfeeling automatons. They may as well be Necrons.

You notice Apophis constructing battlements with his powers. Carving out vast trenches with telekinetic might, as well as raising up great walls and ramparts. And following along behind him, seemingly pestering him, is Celestia. Oh man, dis gonna be good.

---

You are Apophis, last loyal son of the Crimson King and for fuck’s sake, this pony will not stop talking. She’s been pestering you about your relationship with the heretic for hours.

”We were friends. I keep telling you. I have no love for the traitor anymore.”

”Why, though? He’s not all that bad, really. So what if the god he worships is evil, I see your god as evil.”

”I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that, xeno witch.”

”Why should it matter what god he worships? If you were friends in the past it shouldn’t matter.”

By the Emperor! It’s as if she was trying to make up for your brothers’ millennia of silence. At least Trucido Rex wasn’t this talkative. Of course he could get a little full of himself in the heat of battle.

”It matters because everyone who follows his god wants nothing more than the utter destruction of the galaxy!”

”Anonymous doesn’t want that.” she says.

”If that’s what you think you’ve been blinded.”

”I know for a fact he would never hurt your kind. He still loves humanity, as undeserving as you are of his affection.”

”I could not care less, xeno.”

She sighs. “How you humans managed to expand as you did without utterly wiping yourselves out will always be beyond me. You’re such a belligerent race.”

You grunt, carving out another swath of earth for a trench. You catch the sound of rockets on the wind.

”Hey guys, you talking about me?”

---

You are Anonymous and you could hear their conversation from a mile away. Of course they were fucking talking about you.

”Anonymous, good of you to come. I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

”Good to see you too, Celly. How’s the flank?”

Celestia glares at you.

”Hey, don’t you give me that look, I know you enjoyed it.”

”Be that as it may, it’s completely inappropriate for you to be doing such things to a princess. In public.”

”Yeah yeah, I- wait, what?”

”Hmm? I didn’t say anything.” Celestia says innocently.

This fucking pony. When it happened, she would get no warning.

”So what’s the deal with bringing guardsponies into this? They’re going to get slaughtered in this battle.”

Celestia grins. “Not these ones. The 501st are my most trusted guards and are all extremely accomplished mages.”

You nod at Apophis, still hard at work. “Well then why not give them to this one. He’s a powerful psyker.”

”Because I will not have anything to do with xeno psykers.” he says bluntly.

”There you have it, Anon. Looks like it’s all on you.”

”Celestia, this is serious. I cannot guarantee that many, if not all of them, won’t die.”

”Trust me, Anonymous. Come time for battle you will be grateful for their presence.”

”I hope for your sake you’re right, Celly, or your flank isn’t going to be the only thing bruised and battered.”

”If you could refrain from speaking of such things in my presence, it would be greatly appreciated.” Apophis says. “Or you could just leave me alone. I would prefer that the most.”

”Sorry, no can do, buddy.”

And then you slap Celestia’s other flank as hard as you can.

She let’s out a cross between a gasp and a moan. Then, face completely red, she whirls on you furiously.

---

Nothing of any interest happens. Everyone goes about their day. No traitors penetrate the hull.

---

You step out of a blue box alongside a brown earth pony.

”Seriously, it’s like you’ve got a death wish or something!”

”I just can’t help it! It’s like her flank calls out to be slapped.”

The Doctor shakes his head.

”One of these times I won’t be around to bail you out, I hope you realize this.”

”I know, I know. I’ll try to cut back.”

”Or you could, you know, stop.”

”Yeah, that ain’t happening.”

”Well then I hope for your sake she develops a thing for public spanking fast.”

Your eyes glaze over.

”Oh sweet Slaanesh, me too.”

”Oh dear, forget I said anything.”

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