You are currently the only passenger in a Disco Marines thunderhawk, for some reason they didn’t want to let you use a drop pod. Which really sucks, because thunderhawks are FUCKING SLOW. You hear the pilot’s voice over the vox.

”Entering the atmosphere now. Ten minutes until arrival.”

Fuck that noise, fuck it hard. You notice a large red button on the wall, seems legit. Deciding it's the only logical couse of action, you hit the button with the full force of your forehead. Amazingly, the back of the bay slides away as the landing ramp is engaged, exactly as you were hoping. Everything went better than expected.

”Heretic! What are you doing back there?”

You get up and make your way over to the ramp.

”Hope ya don’t mind, but I’m gonna take it from here. I appreciate the lift, but thunderhawks are slow as shit.”

”You can’t jump from this height, are you mad?”

”I DO have a raptor pack. I can fly, you know.”

”The Codex Astartes does not support this actio-”

”Yeah, well Rowboat Girlyman and his Codex can go eat a dick. CHAOS motherfucker!”

And with that you jump from the back of the thunderhawk. You’ve only just entered the atmosphere and you’re a good few miles above the surface of the world so you just freefall for a few minutes.

It’s actually pretty hard to tell where you are at this altitude, everything just looks so tiny. You’re pretty sure you can make out the Everfree, it’s fucking colossal. And then there’s Canterlot. You manage to finally locate Ponyville and with a blink into your HUD, you activate your raptor pack and take off.

It's actually pretty refreshing to be back in the air again. You’ve been grounded for far too long, Commorragh was the last time you’d been able to use your raptor pack in earnest. Dueling with Scourges, Hellions, and Reavers high over Commorragh had been one of the most exhilarating experiences of your life.

You sigh and close your eyes, you love the sky. You reach up and undo the seals of your helmet and mag lock it to your belt. Joke’s on you, Celly, this is actually fun!

You’re low enough to actually make out the buildings of Ponyville now. You angle yourself towards Twilight’s library and slow your descent. You end up touching down right outside the house to find that the ponies seem to have dispersed. Well, except a still very angry looking Celestia.

”Well now that wasn’t very nice at all! You’ve got quite the temper on you, Celly. I sure hope you don’t make a habit of sending subjects who displease you into orbit.”

She looks pointedly at you.

”No. Just you.”

”Aha, so I get the special treatment, eh?”

”This is serious, Anonymous!” she yells. “You’ve brought war to my kingdom! Equestria has been at peace for millennia, we have no standing army, we have no advanced weapons, we have no vehicles more advanced than trains. Not to mention you’ve brought CHAOS along with you, I will not have the eyes of the Dark Gods upon Equestria!”

”Celestia, did I not swear to protect your kingdom with my life?”

”I do not think your life alone will be enough to save this world, Anonymous.”

”There is an army of Astartes ready to defend you, Celestia. It is said that a single Space Marine is worth a thousand regular men. You have almost half a chapter worth of us here to protect you.”

”But we are not facing regular men, are we?”

”And you do not have regular Astartes here.”

She glares at you. “No, I have sorcerers and traitors!”

You slowly, slowly advance on her until she's forced to look directly up at you. You tower over her by a good meter easily. For the briefest moment when your eyes meet Celestia looks fearful.

”Stop. Calling me. A traitor.” you say, darkly

”I am cruel, I am selfish, I am vile and I am evil. I am all of these things and countless more and of them all I am proud. But all I have heard for the last two days is “heretic” this and “traitor” that. No more. I know that I am a traitor to my kind and it is the one thing of which I am ashamed. Would you perhaps enjoy being reminded of your greatest failing at every turn?”

It’s super effective! Celestia actually begins to look hurt and for a moment you think she might cry.

”No...” she whispers.

Well now don’t you feel like an ass.

”Err, sorry. I didn’t mean...”

She sighs sadly. “No, I’m sorry, Anonymous. I know you don’t mean my little ponies any harm, but Chaos has done terrible things to this world.”

”Discord?” you ask.
She nods. “He was a tyrant. The ponies suffered greatly under him.”

”Celly, not all Chaos is like him. I know a fair number of Astartes who only went rogue because they thought Chaos gave them a better chance to bring about a better future for humanity. I... well I’m not one of them, but I give you my word that Chaos shall be your ally in this.”

”Thank you, Anonymous. I really do appreciate it, I’m just... worried.”

”Well you’re some kind of crazy sun goddess, right? Why not stay on and fight with us? I hear having a god on your side usually increases your chances of winning.”

”That’s actually why I came down from Canterlot this time. I would like to assist you. As princess it is my duty to protect my subjects in all things.”

”And here I thought you only came because just liked giving me a hard time.”

She smiles a little. “Well there’s that too. I like having somep0ny I can put through Tartarus and not die. You’re like a giant, armored stress ball.”

”Aw, I bet you say that to all the boys.”

She laughs a little and starts to trot away. “Alright, let’s go plan a war.”

”At a girl!”

SLAP!

Celestia freezes, birds freeze in the sky, you’re pretty sure the air has frozen. When Celestia speaks her tone could probably freeze the Warp itself.

”Did you just slap the royal flank?”

”If the big red handprint on your ass is anything to go by I sure did!”

---

Meanwhile, on board the Spirit of Funk

You are Techmarine Technix and you step back to admire your handiwork. It had taken quite a bit of work, but the hole the traitor had made in the hull had been repaired perfectly. It was like the hull had never been breached in the first place.

Suddenly proximity alarms start ringing.

”What in the name of the Omnissiah...?” you mutter to yourself.

There’s an almighty crash and you’re thrown from your feet. Muttering a few choice curses under your breath, you get back to your feet and look back at your repair, hoping against hope nothing had ruined your hard work. What you see both confuses and enrages you. Mostly it enrages you.

The Omnissiah damned heretic’s helmet protruding through your expertly wrought repair job. You mutter a quick prayer to the Machine God.

”...from the rage of the Beast, iron protect us-”

”I knew I should’ve taken a left turn at Necromunda!”

You quickly reach the conclusion that there was not enough iron in the entire galaxy.

”FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-”

---

You are Vinyl Scratch and it’s about time you went home. You’ve just been hanging around with Anon and the others ever since that thing with the Dark Eldar and Celestia hurling Anon off into the sky seemed like the perfect opportunity to excuse yourself from the others. You’re sure he’ll be fine.

You open the door to your house to be greeted by a near frantic Octavia.

”Vinyl! Where have you been? I’ve been so worried about you! I heard about what happened, are you alright? What’s happening with all these humans, are they friends of Anonymous?”

You stand stock still, a little surprised by the sudden verbal assault.

”Uh, nice to see you too, Octy. Mind if I come in?”

”Oh! I’m so sorry Vinyl, I’ve just been so worried about you!”

You trot inside to the living room and slump down on the couch. Octavia closes the door and follows you in and sits down on the couch with you.

”You can be such a worry-wart, Octy.” you say with a smile.

”You were kidnapped by aliens, I think it’s reasonable for me to be worried about that.”

You roll your eyes. “Don’t worry, Anon saved me.”

”I know, I heard it happen. We all did! By Celestia, Vinyl, what did he do?”

You try to remember back to Anon’s fight with the Eldar. It had been... well horrifying, obviously, you’d never seen that much blood before in your entire life. But it was also really amazing. That Anon did it all just to save you made it even more amazing. He really was amazing...

You’re brought back to reality by a hoof waving in front of your face.

”You there, Vinyl?”

”Oh.. yeah, sorry. I got a little distracted.”

”I’ll say, you looked a million miles away.”

”I was... just thinking about it."

”So how exactly did he save you?”

”Oh man, it was so awesome! He fought off like a hundred Eldar!”

”A hundred what?”

”Oh, right. Those are the aliens that kidnapped me.”

”They didn’t hurt you, did they?” she asks, concerned.

”No! Well, I mean they wanted to. But Anon made sure they didn’t.”

”Was he the source of the noise we all heard?”

”Yeah. He got really mad and did some crazy magic scream thing.”

”That was him screaming? It nearly deafened everyone in Ponyville!”

You shrug. “Hey, what can I say? He’s a screamer.

You snicker as Octavia blushes.

”No, I’m pretty sure you were the screamer.”

Now it’s your turn to blush.

”Oh... you heard that?”

”Dear, I think the correct question to ask there was how could I not have heard it.”

You tap your forehooves together nervously. “Heh heh... sorry.”

”You don’t need to apologize, but don’t you think it’s a bit... soon for that? You only just met him.”

”Well... yeah, I guess. But I really like him."

Octavia sighs. "Vinyl, you say that about everyp0ny. You always wind up rushing into things and end up getting hurt."

You stare at the floor. She wasn't exactly wrong... In fact she pretty much hit the nail on the head. She puts a hoof around your shoulders.

"Vinyl, he's an alien super warrior, you may very well end up getting hurt in more ways than one."

You shake your head vigorously at her words. "No! Anon would never hurt me! He went through all that just to save me! He almost died, Octy! He actually cares, I know he does."

"I don't mean to imply that he would mean to, but you have seen him."

"I know, I know, I'll be careful."

Octavia smiles and pulls you into a quick hug.

"I'm just looking out for you, Vinyl. You've been my best friend since we were fillies, I just want you to be safe."

You roll your eyes at what you perceive as an overly sentimental statement. But you feel happy, nonetheless. Octavia smiles and gets up from the couch, trotting off into the kitchen to make a cup of tea.

You smile as an idea comes to you. "You know, Octy, if you're jealous you can just say so. I don't think Anon would mind being shared."

You then burst out laughing as you hear Octavia spit up tea all over the kitchen.

---

You are Anonymous and one whacky adventure through time and space with some brown pony and his crazy blue box later and you’re back on Equestria. Seriously, though, his timing was perfect. That tech-marine wanted to kill you. You’re still not entirely clear on what a Dalek is though.

But all that aside, you now find yourself wandering through Ponyville back to Twilight’s, it’s been a long fucking day. You enter the library to find Infernus conversing with Twilight. His helmet’s mag locked to his belt and he wears an expression of utter boredom. He very clearly regrets this decision. He looks up and notices you and some of the life returns to his eyes.

”Well that sure is interesting, Twilight, but Anonymous is here and I’ve been meaning to talk to him! Perhaps we can continue this another time!”

Twilight looks a little disappointed but relents.

”Alright, I have to go see... somep0ny anyways. It was fun talking to you, bye Mister Infernus!”

Incredibly forced grin plastered to his face he waves after her as she trots past you and out the door. Once she's gone he walks over to you and you clasp wrists in a warrior’s handshake. He then lets out a long suffering sigh.

“How do you deal with them?” he asks.

”Well when you’ve lived as long as I have you learn a few things.”

”I pray I do not live long enough to learn to tolerate THAT.”

”Well perhaps if you ask the Dark Eldar nicely enough they’ll see fit to grant you your wish.”

He laughs. “And I’ll return the favor a thousandfold.”

”So what did you wish to speak with me about, brother?”

Infernus’ face grows grim. “Our astropaths have just received word back from the fleet. It is as we’ve feared, they will not reach us in time to meet the xenos force. We will be on our own for a full day against the xenos fleet.”

”Bah!” you scoff. “More for us then! Entire sectors have been conquered by fewer Astartes than we have gathered here.”

Infernus still looks uncertain. “I do not doubt we will be able to fight them, but I do question our ability to defend this entire world from them.”

”Worry not, brother. The xenos do not want the world. They want the soulstones.”

”Anonymous... I would normally never suggest this, but so many of my men’s lives ride on this. Would it not be easier to simply return the gems?”

”No. That is not an option. The souls in these gems will be the salvation of my chapter!”

”Brother, is your chapter not dead?”

”Not while I yet live, it is not.”

”You endanger all of us, this entire world, even, simply for your own selfish desires? What manner of man has so little honor?”

”The kind that has walked with the Primarchs. What did honor avail Ferrus Manus when Fulgrim struck his head from his shoulders? What did it avail Robute Guilliman when Fulgrim slit his throat with a poisoned blade? Or Magnus when his sons were butchered for crimes only he commited? Or Rachnus when Tialoc turned his homeworld to glass?”

Infernus glares at you. “It is a low man that excuses his actions with the sins of his father.”

You glare at him and he returns it. You step forward and shove his pauldron with your hand. He shoves you back. You plant both hands on his breastplate and shove. When he recovers he does the same.

You stumble backwards and crash against the shelves of books lining the treehouse. You clench your jaw in anger and rise to your feet, books toppling from your form.

It likely would have escalated to unfortunate proportions, but Infernus notices something that spilled from your belt pouch when you took your tumble. It is a small plastic bag filled with what looks like dried green leaves.

”Is that...?”

You look at him.

”You wanna...?”

You and Infernus recline against a wall of the library, passing a roll of the leaves wrapped in paper back and forth. A haze fills the library and you only add to it as you exhale a respectable cloud of smoke. You sigh and recline your head.

”Fuck money, burn bitches, get heretics.”

”Wisdo- wait, what?”

Next Chapter: Celestia's Hoof Estimated time remaining: 2 Hours, 14 Minutes