You’re currently sitting in Twilight’s house chatting with some ponies and Disco Marines. You, Infernus, Remixar, Interstellar, Pinkie, and Vinyl all howl with laughter as you tell your story. You pause to wipe the tears from your eyes and catch your breath.

”And... and then... when the Space Wolf woke up his armor was missing, and the sorcerer was never heard from again!”

You and the assembled Astartes and ponies double over with laughter.

”Heh heh... ah. So anyways, that’s how I became known for my Slaaneshi raves. Man, I wonder what ever happened to that sorcerer. I tell ya, that guy earned the undying enmity of at least half of Fenris that day.”

Slowly everyone calms down.

”What were we talking about again?” you ask.

”Something about sorcerers?” Vinyl offers.

”Yes, you were telling us how you came to know this heretic you’re putting such faith in.”

You briefly wonder how you managed to stray so far from your original conversation.

”Right, yes, good ol’ Sorcerer.”

”His name is Sorcerer?” Remixar asks.

”Probably not, but I never actually learned his name so I’ve just called him Sorcerer.”

Infernus slaps a palm to his face. “YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIS NAME?”

You shrug. “I don’t know my own name.”

”I thought your name was Anonymous!”

”Yeah, because I can’t remember my real one.”

“How do you forget your name!”

”It’s been like twelve thousand years! Sue me!”

Infernus sighs agitatedly.

”So you don’t even know his name and you summoned him to fight a war with us?”

”Honestly I don’t even know if he’s alive. It’s been millennia since I last saw him.”

”Anonymous, you are easily the last person I ever want fighting by my side in any battle ever.”

”I love you too, loyalist. Or is love heretical, too?”

Infernus shakes his head. “I’m going back to th-”

He stops mid sentence and puts a hand to his helmet as though listening to something. After a moment he looks up at you.

”You have a message, heretic.” he says, with a hint of aggravation.

”What?”

”‘Stranger still when the bug would answer.’ Does it mean anything to you?”

You break out into a huge grin.

”Aha! I knew he didn’t burn on Prospero! Not even a Primarch could kill that crimson whoreson!”

”What’s a Primarch?” Vinyl asks.

”I’ll tell you later.” you promise her.

”Heretic! There is a battle barge emerging from warp-transit, if this is not your friend then we are likely doomed. We’ve nowhere near the kind of firepower to take that thing on.”

”Ah don’t worry about it. We’re buddies! It’ll be completely fine.”

The basement door bangs open and a haggard looking Twilight emerges, levitating your freshly repaired armor behind her.

She drops the pile of ceremite at your feet.

“Anonymous. Buck you, buck your crazy possessed armor, buck humans and your crazy possessed machines, buck everything, I’m out!”

She lets out a frustrated “Raaaaaaagh!” and teleports away. Well, best get dressed. You're about to be entertaining a friend, after all, you want to look your best.

---

You’re currently loitering around the outpost the Disco Marines have set up on the far outskirts of Ponyville. For some reason you cannot fathom, the ponies have opted to come with you. Fucking all of them, you’ve got like seven ponies just following you around.

You’ve honestly got no idea about what you should be doing right now. Though you get the distinct feeling that you probably should have told Celestia about bringing another heretic to the planet. Oh well, burn that bridge when you get to it.

”Brother, what’s the location of the battle barge?” you ask.

The Astartes monitoring the communication equipment glances at you and you detect a little irritation in his gaze.

”I dislike the idea of being called brother by one of your kind, traitor.”

”Hey man, we’re all cool here. I was worshiping the Emperor before worshiping the Emperor was cool. Or even allowed.”

”Allowed?” he asks quizzically.

You pat his pauldron. “I’ll tell you when you’re older, son.”

He shakes his head. “Anyways, the vessel is holding position just off the edge of this... um... I’m really not sure what to call this. Have you seen the activity of this system’s star?”

”The sun goes up and the sun goes down. Just like everywhere else.” you say.

”NOT like everywhere else. This... well this seems to be a geocentric system.”

What.

”Run that by me again?”

”It seems the star in this system revolves around this planet. I have no idea how this is possible.”

”Oh, that’s because Princess Celestia controls the sun!” Twilight pipes up.

Every Astartes within hearing range turns to stare at her.

”What?” she asks.

”Wow, I’m not even an Imperial and I think that’s heretical.” you say.

”What’s wrong with the princess moving the sun?” Twilight asks.

”That just... How? How does she do it?”

”Well... she’s the princess, that’s what she does. It’s what she’s done for thousands of years.”

You burst out laughing.

”Hey, Imperials, can your Emperor move stars? No? Looks like your almighty God-Emperor just got one-upped by a pretty pony princess!”

The Disco Marines all glare at you. Your laughter stops dead in your throat as a thunderous stomping picks up behind you.

”I... may tolerate... you... for now. But... you will... NOT... profane... His name while... in my presence.”

You turn around slowly to see a colossal Contemptor Pattern Dreadnought staring down at you, a huge, crackling powersword in his armored hand. You stare up at it in awe. You haven’t seen one of these since... Istvaan V.

”Err, my bad, Grandmaster. Won’t happen again.”

”See... that it doesn’t.” it mutters as it stomps away.

You can see Vinyl staring after it.

”What is that thing, Anon?” she asks in awe.

”That, my dear little Vinyl, is a Dreadnought.”

”And a Dreadnought is..?”

You chuckle. “A Dreadnought is what comes back to stomp you into the dust if my some miracle you manage to kill a Space Marine.”

”There’s a Space Marine in that thing?” Rainbow asks in awe.

You nod. “Barely. Whatever was left of his body after he was killed was put into that. Now he will serve his false god forever as a cold, unfeeling abomination. And when he is not fighting he will sleep away the long millennia. It is no way to exist, unable to experience the pleasures of life. I pity him.”

”I dunno.” Rainbow says. “That looks pretty awesome to me.”

”Oh sweet Slaanesh, I know. They may be piteous creatures, but they really do look fucking awesome.”

Without warning a fel wind kicks up around the outpost, the stench of ozone permeating the air while warp lightning begins to crackle.

You grin beneath your mask. “Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves! It would seem we have company!”

Warp lightning strikes the ground and sets the various instruments haywire. Reality bends and warps and cracks and breaks before you. Violet energy manifests and coalesces into a writhing portal two meters tall. A dark figure appears within it. It slowly strides from the portal and reveals itself to be an Astartes clad in crimson and gold armor. The pre-Heresy color pattern for a Thousand Sons sorcerer.

The portal flickers and fades as the sorcerer leaves it and stands before you, simply staring. You remove your helmet and walk over to him, smiling widely. As you reach him you whirl about to face the Astartes and ponies.

”Ponies and Space Marines. Allow me to introduce a good friend of mine, Sorcerer of the Thousand Sons!”

The Astartes look wary and the ponies all stare in awe. Pinkie especially, likely because this means another party. Suddenly the Disco Marines tense and reach for their weapons and the ponies’ eyes go wide in fear. You yourself tense up in fear as you hear a high-pitched whine in your ear. You turn the barest of inches to see Sorcerer pointing a plasma pistol at your head.

Then lightning rains from the sky. Hundreds of bolts strike the ground over and over leaving smoking craters all along the countryside. As well as Space Marines, hundreds of them. There have to be at least three hundred Rubric Marines in pre-Heresy armor surrounding the outpost all training their bolters on you.

”Sorcerer...?”

”My name is not Sorcerer, heretic,” he practically spits the last word. “My name is Apophis.”

---

You're rather confused, last you checked you and Sorc- or Apophis, apparently, were friends. Of course ten thousand years tends to change a lot. But there was something very out of place with what he said. Ah, yes, there it is.

”Heretic?” you ask.

”Renegade, traitor, backstabber, betrayer, oathbreaker. Whatever suits you.”

You look around at the assembled Astartes and point a thumb over your shoulder at Apophis.

”So am I actually being called a heretic by a Thousand Sons sorcerer? Or am I just tripping balls off of all the obscura I just took?”

”I had hoped you would not fall, I really did. I hoped you would have stayed loyal as I did. But it would seem you are not as strong as the man I met on Nikaea all those years ago.”

You slowly turn to face Apophis.

”And to whom would you have wished me to stay loyal, hmm? The Traitor Emperor perhaps?”

He tightens his grip on his plasma pistol.

”Stay your tongue, heretic. If there is anything left of the brother I once knew in that ragged shell of a man you will not profane the Emperor’s name in my presence.”

Your eyes widen in shock. “You worship him. You’re not just loyal, you worship him.”

”And why would I not?”

”Because he betrayed us! He betrayed all of us! He betrayed you most of all!”

”I’ve had enough of this,” he growls. “Go join your false gods.”

Before he can pull the trigger, a lavender aura envelopes his pistol and yanks it from his hand.

”Honestly! Is violence all you humans can think of?” Twilight says as she trots over.

”And now you ally with xenos?” he exclaims, pointing at Twilight.

You look down at Twilight as she arrives at your side.

”No. I am friends with xenos.”

The rest of the ponies trot over to you warily.

”So uh... you’re Anon’s friend?” Vinyl asks hesitantly.

Apophis does not respond.

Twilight groans. “Oh come on, why are humans all so grim!”

”You have fallen far from the man you used to be.” Apophis says, ignoring Twilight. “You used to be a man of honor and integrity! Now you conspire with xenos and daemons and make war against the very Imperium you strove to build!”

”I have never raised my weapons against humanity.” you state, coldly.

”Do not lie to me, traitor.”

”I am not lying. Are you not a sorcerer? Look into my mind and discern the truth for yourself! Only during the Heresy did I raise my weapons against my brothers. And not a day goes by that I do not regret breaking those bonds of brotherhood.”

”Then why do you serve Chaos if you do not hate humanity?”

”Because I hate the Imperium and the Emperor. But though I hate them, they are still the same people I fought and bled for. To take up arms against them is to throw away two hundred years of devotion.”

”Then why do you hate them?”

”I hate them because they threw away two hundred years of my service. You served as long as I did, you remember the Imperial Truth.”

Apophis has nothing to say to this.

”You remember what we fought for, what we bled for, what hundreds of our brothers DIED for. The Imperial Truth! The Emperor told us that there was no such thing as gods or spirits or daemons! But he lied to us!”

”He had his reasons.” Apophis says.

”The words of a devoted fanatic!” you yell. “He knew of the Chaos gods, yet he had us crusade in the name of atheism for two centuries!”

”He did what was right for humanity! Why do you hate him so for protecting us from such vile monsters?”

”I hate him for becoming what he asked us to eliminate from the galaxy. He told us that there were no gods among the stars and now look at the Imperium! So fanatic are they in their worship of him!”

”It is the Emperor that binds the Imperium together! Why should he not be worshiped as the god he is?”

You shake your head. “This was a mistake. I should never have called to you.”

”Anonymous, perhaps you should think about this.” Infernus says, approaching the two of you. ”He has hundreds of marines with him. If we’re to survive the coming storm we need all the help we can get.”

”Would this have anything to do with the xenos activity in nearby sectors?” Apophis asks.

”Yeah, your friend here stole some soulstones from an Archon and really pissed him off. Now he’s on his way here with half of Commorragh.”

Apophis turns to you. “This is YOUR doing? Have you any idea how many Imperial worlds have been ravaged by these vengeful xenos?”

You shrug. “Enough to make you angry, it seems.”

”I have run out of room on my battle barge for the victims of these raids! The number of Imperials slain by these xenos is beyond counting!”

”Then do battle with us, brother, and repay the xenos ten times the blood they’ve spilled!” you say to him.

”I have every intention of doing so, traitor, but I do not fight for you or your pet xenos. I fight here to stop the slaughter of the Emperor’s subjects.”

Before you can retort, Infernus interjects. ”And that’s all we can ask of you, brother-”

”NO!” a voice thunders.

Grandmaster Funk thunders over, his titanic powersword crackling furiously in his hand.

”I will abide... no more traitors... in our midst!” he thunders, striding furiously towards the sorcerer.

Apophis’s only response is a wave of his hand. There is a flash of light and a peal of thunder.

”AHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

”AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Your eyes widen as you take in the two hulking creatures before you. Two Rubric Dreadnoughts now stand between Apophis and the Grandmaster. One bears a massive autocannon and a powerfist, the other possesses a double barreled lascannon and a gargantuan chainblade arm. They are also possessed of a trait you had never encountered in Rubric Marines. They can make noise.

The first one screams, the second one laughs. They both aim their weapons at Grandmaster Funk and the Contemptor seems to think better of his position.

”I would rather we did not come to blows, brother. Between myself and the traitor, more than enough loyalist blood has been spilled already.”

”Sweet Slaanesh, you’ve even got dreadnoughts?” you exclaim. “I imagine next you’ll tell me you possess a titan!”

Apophis looks at you completely seriously.

”A Warlord. His name is Trucido Rex. He has been my ally for many centuries.”

Vinyl looks up at you. “Anon, what’s a Titan?”

You don’t even hear her. You just throw your arms up into the air. “PRAISE THE DARK GODS!”

Infernus looks stunned at the news. “You possess a battle barge, hundreds of Rubric Marines, two Dreadnoughts, and a TITAN?”

”I have been very active for the last ten millennia.”

”But a TITAN?”

”Very active and very lucky.”

Twilight takes the opportunity to speak up. “So you’re going to help us then?”

”Do not misunderstand me, I do this for the good of humanity. I could not care less for your world.”

”Jeez, no wonder Anon ditched you guys. You’re such a grump.” Rainbow remarks.

”Don’t worry Dashie, Pinkie’ll have him fixed up in no time!” Pinkie says, cheerfully. “After all, there’s nopony that isn’t friends with Pinkie Pie!”

There’s a brief moment where Apophis and Pinkie stare each other down.

”Nopony.”

You can’t help but feel the littlest bit creeped out.

”SO APOPHIS!” you yell to break the tension. ”Since we’re no longer at each other’s throats, how about we hang out and catch up?”

”Do you not have a war to plan, heretic?”

”By Slaanesh, enough with the heretic already! Yes, I get it, I don’t worship the same god as you lot, get over it! I swear, you loyalists are a bunch of babies.”

---

You trudge away from the outpost, mood thoroughly soured from your encounter. This should have been one of the greatest days of your life, but noooooo, Apophis had to go and turn into a giant ass.

”Hey Anonymous?”

Well at least you’ve still got Vinyl.

”Hmm?”

”Why don’t other Space Marines seem to like you that much?”

You sigh. “At its very basest level, it all really just boils down to a difference of opinion.”

You hear a grumble beside you.

”I’d say it’s a little more than that.”

”Shut up, Twilight.”

”So what do you mean ‘difference of opinion’?

”I don’t follow the same god as they do.”

”Well why not? Slaanesh seems like a pretty cool god to follow if you’re anything to go by.”

”He is! Do you know what Slaanesh demands of his subjects? He demands they have a good time. If you eat a sandwich and enjoy it then you’ve pleased Slaanesh!”

”That doesn’t sound bad at all. Why do the Space Marines hate him so much?”

You cringe a little. “Well peoples’ ideas of fun vary greatly across the galaxy.”

Vinyl takes the hint, thankfully. “Oh...”

”But the Emperor has fanatics just as horrible, worse even! Some Imperials burn entire worlds simply because of the rumor of a single Chaos cult. And do you know what the Imperium does to you if you’re a psyker?”

”A what?” Twilight asks. “I remember you calling me that when we met, what’s it mean?”

”It’s the human equivalent of a unicorn. Someone who can use magic.”

”Humans can use magic?” Twilight exclaims. “That’s amazing! I didn’t know that anyone but ponies could!”

”Unfortunately humanity does not consider themselves so lucky. Psykers are viewed as cursed individuals, they are shunned and decried across the Imperium.”

Twilight looks appalled at this information. “Why would you ever think that? Magic is a wonderful thing!”

”Not to the Imperium. The crime of being born a psyker is punishable by death. The Imperium has great Black Ships, the size of Hive Cities, that fly across the galaxy collecting psykers. Then when they are full they take you and bring you to Terra where they judge your worth. If you are strong you will be used you will become a sanctioned psyker in the Imperial Guard, an Astropath, or if you are lucky, you will become a Space Marine Librarian. The truly cursed go on to become Grey Knights.”

”What’s a Grey Knight? They sound cool.” Rainbow says.

”A Grey Knight is a monster. They are the creatures out of the darkest nightmares of Chaos. They are bred, engineered, trained and equipped specifically to kill the servants of the Dark Gods.”

”What about the ones who fail?” Applejack asks. “Ya never said what happens ta them.”

”Then you are damned. If you are judged to be too weak a psyker for the Imperium to use then killing yourself is the only reasonable option.”

”Oh I’m sure you’re just overreacting, darling. Surely it can’t be that bad. So what if you’re not as strong as the others, everypony has something that makes them useful.” Rarity says.

”No. There is no hope for the damned souls that the Imperium has no use for. Because the Emperor cannot survive on prayers and faith alone like our gods can.”

”What does that have to do with anything?” Twilight asks.

”Psykers too weak to use are fed to the Golden Throne. The Emperor devours the souls of psykers in order to survive.”

The ponies all look at you, horrified.

You shrug. “What can I say? The Imperium really hates psykers.”

Pinkie seems strangely unfazed by any of this.

Twilight shudders and looks up at her horn. “I think I’ll take my chances with Chaos.”

”Chaos isn’t even all that bad. The people of the Imperium judge it by how it appears on the surface. Of course our gods seem cruel and evil to them, but to me the Emperor seems evil. At first glance he looks like a god of dominion and enslavement. But they lack the will to look below the surface, they can’t stand to see that Chaos isn’t completely one dimensional.”

”Well what are the Chaos gods like?” Vinyl asks.

You smile. This was probably your favorite speech.

”There are four gods of Chaos, my little ponies. Each representing a different facet of the human spirit. There is Tzeentch, the Changer. To the blind Imperials he is the god of scheming, lies, and sorcery, and he is that, but he is also the god of knowledge, change, and hope for a brighter tomorrow.”

”Oh, I like him.” Twilight says.

”I thought you might. Next is Khorne, the Blood God. To the evil man he is of mindless butchery, slaughter, and blood. But he also represents courage, honor, strength, and the desire to overcome any challenge.”

”Well that’s not so bad.” Rainbow says. “I like the sound of a god of winning.”

”Now, just to be clear, I’m telling you these things for informative purposes. I would greatly prefer that you don’t go out and start worshiping the Ruinous Powers. Celestia would probably kill me if you did.”

”Yeah yeah.” Rainbow says.

”The next is Nurgle. He represents despair, stagnation, disease, and the inevitability and fear of death. However, his followers call him Grandfather because he is, by far, the kindest god. He loves all of his children and teaches unconditional love and kindness to all.”

Applejack nudges Fluttershy with an elbow. “Sounds right up yer alley, ‘Shy.”

”Oh, um, I guess...”

”And then you all know my god, Slaanesh. He doesn’t really have a good or bad side. It’s basically just all about doing whatever makes you happy. Live for the moment and enjoy life. Whether it means burning a world down or sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll.”

”So it seems Chaos is pretty much what you make of it. Is that fair to say?” Twilight asks.

”Of course! I’ve been all around the galaxy and seen many worlds dedicated to Chaos. There is a prosperous world of mages who use souls as currency where sorcerers judge their worth by how tall their tower is. There is a Khornate world I’ve seen where it functions almost exactly like an Imperial world, except if someone is accused of a crime they have the option of trial by combat.”

”So if the Imperium and Chaos are pretty much the same then why do you all hate each other?”

”Like I said, a difference in opinions.”

”Oh wait a second,” you say. “I actually forgot one.”

"I thought you said there were only four, though.” Twilight says.

”Ehhh, yeah well technically there’s a fifth one. Malal, but he’s just the god of irrelevant hipster bullshit. Nobody really worships him. Besides, he’s a total dick.”

”Well what’s he the god of?”

”I told you. Irrelevant hipster bullshit. People only worship him because they think the other gods are too mainstream.”

”... What?”

”I’m serious, like, only one chapter worships him and they’re a bunch of hipster faggots.

”Hey Anon, you said the Eldar made Slaanesh, right? What about the other three?” Vinyl asks.

”WELL HERE WE ARE!” you say as you arrive at Twilight’s house.

”What’re we doing here?” Vinyl asks.

”Need to tell Celestia I invited friends over.”

”You never told her about that?”

You open the door and come face to face with the object of your current fears.

”No. No he did not.”

”Oh, hey there, princess.” you say casually.

”Why is it that EVERY time I turn around you bring yet more unwelcomed guests to Equestrian soil?”

”Hey, Apophis is cool! He’s not even a heretic, by some crazy miracle he stayed loyal to the Imperium.”

”That’s even worse! I don’t need more humans here at all!”

”You probably shouldn’t tell her about the army your friend brought with him then.” Vinyl whispers.

A little too loudly. And now Celestia’s glaring at you. And now you’re in low orbit again. You have now achieved low planetary orbit twice in the same week with only crazy warp sorcery for aid. This has been one of your better weeks.

Welp. Time to wait for reentry to happen. This time you’ll make sure to remember your raptor pack from the start. Alright, any second n- Your train of thought is cut off abruptly as you slam into the adamantium hull of the Disco Marines strike cruiser, Spirit of Funk, and leave an Anonymous shaped hole. Whatever, this has still been the best week in the grim darkness of the forty first millennium you've had thus far.

---

On board Spirit of Funk

”Hull breach! Hull breach! Get response teams to the area now!”

Servitors and Techmarines sprint through the corridors of the strike cruiser to the site of the hull breach. To the immense surprise of everyone there, they arrive to see a Noise Marine sliding a supply crate in front of a Space Marine sized hole in the hull. He finishes his work and turns to face them.

”Oh, hey guys. You uh, mind if I use a drop pod?”

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