Long, long and relatively agonizing minutes later the last ruined ceremite plate clangs to the library floor. Twilight contentedly rolls up a titanic scroll laying out the procedure for power armor removal. It also details the procedure for creating checklists for power armor removal.

”See? I told you checklists were my specialty.”

”I think the third one may have been a little excessive though.” you mutter.

”Nonsense!” she says. “Pre-checklist checklists are a necessary part to any good checklist.”

You shake your head and get up to stretch. It felt good to be out of that armor for a little while, regardless of the circumstances that lead to it. Putting her heretical checklist away, Twilight turns back to address you.

“Now that that’s all done with let’s get... to... oh dear.”

For some reason she’s gone all red in the face. Now what could possibly be causing that? Oh wait, probably your dong. Standing as you are, her head comes up to about waist height. And she just turned right into a face full of traitor dong. She just stands there staring. Chaos damnit, it ain’t gonna suck itself, girl.

Suddenly the door to the library opens.

”Honestly, Twilight! I understand we can be a bit much at times but that’s no excuse for rudeness! Now... oh dear.”

Sweet Slaanesh, now Rarity’s gawking at it. Rainbow Dash and Applejack arrive almost right after her. Rainbow pushes past her stunned friends.

”Hey, what’s everypony looking... at... oh wow.”

This was already starting to get old. They were fucking horses, for Slaanesh’s sake, tiny horses maybe, but still horses. It couldn’t be anything they hadn’t seen before. Applejack nudges her way through.

“Honestly, y’all, what could be s’darn... oh.”

Suddenly the window bursts open and Fluttershy comes shooting in, striking you right in the chest and bouncing off and crashing to the floor. She looks terrible, twigs and leaves all poke out of her mane and she just looks like she’s been through hell.

”T-T-Twilight! Y-you teleported m-me too far! You s-sent me int-t-to the Everfree! What were you... eep!”

You stare down at her. “My fetishes are many and varied, Fluttershy, but bear attack victim is not one of them.”

She stutters incoherently for a second before passing out. Pinkie just looks at the group.

“Oh come on, everypony, it’s nothing we haven’t seen before. And you guys say I’m immature!”

THANK YOU.

The door opens again and Vinyl rushes into the library.

”Sorry I took so long! We started talking about music and... What the buck! You didn’t even invite me?”

The power armored form of Discus Infernus follows Vinyl into the library.

”Alright, where’s the traitor? Let’s see his wounds- THRONE OF THE GOD-EMPEROR, WHAT FRESH HERESY IS THIS?”

”You’re just jealous because yours doesn’t work.”

”It does so work!”

”No it doesn’t.”

”How do you know?”

”Because you’re a loyalist.”

Infernus grabs his helmet in both hands and twists it violently, turning it all the way around and rendering him blind.

”So Vinyl tells me there was an encounter with the Dark Eldar. Did you get any information on their plans?” he asks, pointedly changing the subject.

”I would prefer if we could have this conversation in a more private setting.”

”We will be doing nothing in private until you put your armor back on.” he says.

You glance over to you pile of ravaged armor, one of the pieces takes that opportunity to blow out in a shower of sparks.

”That, uh... that’s not going to be happening any time soon.”

Infernus remains silent. Suddenly an idea comes to you.

”Rarity?” you ask.

”Hmmmm?” the gawking pony mumbles.

”You make clothes, right?”

”Uh huuuhhh...”

”Could I possibly impose upon you a request for some clothing while my armor is in disrepair?”

Her eyes seem to light up at this and she seems to forget about your dong for a moment.

”Oh but of course! I’ll get to work immediately! Come along, Fluttershy, I’m going to need your freaky knowledge of sewing with this one!”

She picks up the unconscious Fluttershy with her telekinesis and trots out. Rainbow then manages to snap herself out of her stupor.

”Hey AJ! Didn’t we have that, uh... thing to go do? Yeah, we gotta go before we’re late!”

AJ however, is wearing the closest thing to a rape face you’ve ever seen on a pony. Seeing this, Rainbow quickly grabs onto her and flies them both out the nearest window. Much to Twilight’s annoyance. You turn to Pinkie.

”I don’t suppose I could persuade you to leave?”

”Nopey dopey!”

Whatever. You turn back to Infernus, whose helmet is still firmly backwards.

”As I was saying, we did encounter Dark Eldar forces. It was only a small raiding party, but it was lead by a prominent Wych and will be missed when it doesn’t report back to Feanor.”

”Did you manage to get any information out of them? Fleet size? Movements?”

You nod. “There was one xeno that was particularly forthcoming with this information.”

You see Twilight stiffen. She didn’t... Suddenly you remember Vinyl running into the clearing as you passed out. They had been there. They saw you eat the Eldar.

... Dicks.

”Actually,” Twilight says, looking at you sternly. “We saw you with him, he didn’t tell you anything.”

You glance over to Vinyl who refuses to meet your gaze. This is... this isn’t good at all. Amazingly, Infernus comes to your rescue.

”I assume you ate him then?”

The ponies all look to Infernus in shock. Except Pinkie, she doesn’t seem the least bit phased by this. She’s beginning to make you wonder...

”How did you know?” Twilight asks.

Infernus shrugs. “Those xenos live to lie. That’s the only reliable course of action when extracting information from a Dark Eldar.”

”What...?”

”Oh, of course, my mistake. You’re not familiar with Astartes physiology. You see, most Space Marines have an organ called an Omophagea which allows us to absorb the memories of any genetic material we ingest.”

Twilight looks stunned and Vinyl looks ecstatic. This probably just acquitted you of any suspicions of being a rampant carnivorous monster. How ironic it was that you actually are.

”That... that’s... that’s amazing!” Twilight exclaims, much to your surprise. “That’s one of the most interesting things I’ve ever heard! You can gain memories just from eating? Oh my gosh, I HAVE to study this!”

You feel relief wash over you. You were going to have to make this up to Infernus somehow, that Emprah-loving loyalist likely just saved your friendship with these ponies.

”So like, if you ate dirt would you get the memories of everything that was in it?” Vinyl asks.

”Essentially.” you confirm.

”Oh my gosh, that’s the coolest thing ever! Can Space Marines do anything else?”

You grin. “Well we have three lungs, two hearts, we’re immune to most poisons and radiations, our bones are as hard as armor, and we can spit acid, to name a few things.”

Vinyl and Twilight’s faces light up, though for completely different reasons.

”Space Marines are so cool!” Vinyl yells.

”Oh Celestia, I have to study this! This is one of the most interesting things I’ve ever heard of!”

Pinkie trots up to you and elbows your leg.

”Sheesh, they sure are easy to impress, huh? Just tell ‘em you’ve got a few extra organs and they go all crazy.”

”This doesn’t surprise you at all?”

Then you remember who you’re talking to.

”Never mind.”

”So what did you learn from the xeno’s memories?” Infernus presses.

Oh, right, serious stuff is happening isn’t it?

”The force is just as massive as your people predicted, damned near half of Commorragh.”

”How long do we have?”

”Three days at the most, I believe.”

Infernus seems to hesitate. “I do not know if our fleet will arrive in time.”

You were afraid of this. Fortunately you have a plan. A crazy, desperate plan that has little chance of success, but a plan nonetheless.

”Worry not, Infernus. I still have allies upon which to call, they might buy us time for your fleet to arrive. And when they come, caught between the Anvil of Chaos and the Hammer of the Emperor, these xenos will know defeat. And then Slaanesh will feast!”

Even with his helmet turned backwards, you can tell Infernus is dubious. And why wouldn’t he be? You’re proposing an alliance with the Ruinous Powers, of course he’s not going to jump for joy.

”If I could have access to a long range communications unit I could send a message. I have a... friend upon whom I might call.”
Infernus hesitates again. “Very well, but know that I agree only because of the direness of our situation.”

Then you realize you’ve been naked this whole conversation. You’d prefer not to just saunter into the Disco Marines’ camp buck naked. Regardless of how much fun it would be. Working dicks. Score one for the traitors.

---

An hour later finds Twilight screaming in frustration as she tries to repair your armor with magic. You, Vinyl, and Pinkie have resolved to sit back and watch her increasingly hilarious reactions. Pinkie even got popcorn. She keeps popcorn stashes all over Equestria, apparently. She says it’s in case of popcorn emergencies.

”I don’t understand! I have all the pieces here, this should be simple! It’s like it’s fighting me or something!”

You snicker. “Probably because it is fighting you.”

She whirls on you completely unamused.

”Don’t be ridiculous, it’s just a machine, machine’s can’t think!”

”This one can.”

Twilight looks stunned, yet again. “What do you mean?”

You nod at your armor. “You’ve angered the war spirit of my armor. You’re not treating it with the respect or deference it deserves.”

Twilight scoffs. “Machines don’t have spirits. You humans are ridiculously superstitious.”

”I’m serious.” you tell her. ”All human-made machines have a machine spirit, from the mighty Titan to the simple lasgun. Each spirit is unique with its own personality and quirks. The spirit of my armor is a narcissistic, arrogant thing that demands respect and adulation. It desires to be beheld and admired, much like myself, and it will even go out of its way to sabotage any attempts I make at stealth.”

Twilight shakes her head. “That’s impossible.” she insists.

”Look into my armor as you looked into my mind and see for yourself. But do not expect a warm reception.”

She rolls her eyes. “Alright, fine. I’ll prove to you that it’s just a machine.”

She prepares the spell she used on you and casts it on your armor.

You sit back with Vinyl and Pinkie and prepare for a show. Then you feel a hoof wrap around your shoulder and gently pull you down.

You look in the direction of said hoof's owner. It's a rather unamused looking Pinkie Pie.

"Uh... hi?"

She gives you a flat stare.

"So. I hear you broke a Pinkie Promise."

---

You are Twilight Sparkle and quite honestly, you didn’t expect anything to happen when you cast that spell. But somehow you currently find yourself in a maelstrom of color and sound. It’s utter chaos in here, so much worse than Anon’s memories. Suddenly you feel a presence. You are not alone.

”YOU ARE NOT MY MASTER.” a voice booms.

You look around wildly, trying to identify the source of the voice. Suddenly a figure materializes. A burning ethereal version of Anonymous’s armor stands before you. But where the filtration grille should be is a grinning maw set with jagged teeth, and the eye lenses seem alive and malevolent.

”Wh-who’re you?” you ask nervously.

”YOU DARE SPEAK OUT OF TURN?” it roars in fury.

”What?” you ask.

The apparition roars again and stalks toward you, gripping you by the throat and hoisting you up to eye level.

”YOU DARE INTRUDE? NONE BUT HE WHO IS NAMELESS MAY SPEAK WITH ME.”

”B-but Anonymous told me to come in here! He wanted to prove to me you were real!”

The armor-thing cocks its head and that horrible grin grows wider.

”HE IS A GOOD MAN. NO DOUBT HE WISHES TO SHARE MY GLORY WITH OTHERS. BUT YOU ARE FOOLISH FOR BEING SO DISRESPECTFUL. I SHALL TOLERATE YOUR MISSTEPS THIS ONCE, BUT TAKE CARE YOU DO NOT DO IT AGAIN. MY MERCY IS NOT LIMITLESS.”

It drops you to what passes for the ground and you stay down, not wishing to anger the war spirit further.

”YOU WISH TO SPEAK. I SHALL INDULGE YOU FOR NOW. BUT BE QUICK, LEST I GROW WEARY OF YOU.”

”I-I’m sorry if I offended you, Mr. Armor Spirit, but I was only trying to fix you.”

”YOU CANNOT FIX THAT WHICH IS NOT BROKEN. NOW AND FOREVERMORE I SHALL ALWAYS BE PERFECTION.”

Apparently it takes anything you say personally. Maybe try switching tactics.

”What I mean to say is that you were injured. I can heal you if you’ll let me.”

The spirit mulls this over. “VERY WELL, I WILL CONSIDER THIS SERVICE TO BE AMPLE APOLOGY FOR YOUR TRESPASSES AGAINST ME. BEGONE NOW, LITTLE XENO, I TIRE OF YOU.”

You waste no time pulling out of what passed for the machine spirit’s mind. You gasp as you come back to yourself and fall to the floor and wince as you feel the tenderness of your neck. Black psychic bruises line your neck under your coat in the exact shape of a clenched hand.

You look at a strangely ashen faced and subdued Anonymous who offers you a weak grin. What the buck happened to him?

”Well it seems you lived, looks like he took a liking to you.”

You have no words for him. You just discovered that all human machines possess spirits. And that Anonymous’s was a deranged, egotistical maniac. They were made for each other. You silently go back to work repairing the armor. It’s noticeably easier this time.

---

Rarity bursts into the library, a bundle of fabric held aloft by her magic

”All done!” she announces. “It took me all of two hours but I think I have something suitable for dear Anon here!”

She levitates a black bundle of cloth over to you.

”Now I don’t know anything about human culture, but I assumed males don’t wear dresses.”

Thank Slaanesh. You unfold the bundle and find a pair of black cloth pants and a similar undershirt. But what catches your eye is what you assume is that main piece. A black tabard with light magenta borders and a similarly colored draw cord. At the center was a perfectly replicated icon of Slaanesh in... was that...?

”Amethyst!” Rarity says, proudly. “I had some extra from my last project laying around and it seemed purple really was your color. And I made it big enough so that you could wear it over your armor if you wanted.”

This fucking pony. You slip on the pants and shirt, amazingly they fit perfectly. Though you suppose Rarity had enough time to get your size when she was ogling your junk. You tie the tabard on and look down at yourself. Heresy has never looked so fashionable.

You currently find yourself filled with the feeliest of feels you’ve ever feeled. There is only one suitable course of action. That isn’t rape, of course. You bend over and scoop Rarity up in a hug, eliciting a soft squeak of surprise from her.

”This is the greatest thing anyone’s ever given me! Er... well willingly, of course.” you exclaim. “You, Rarity, are a true friend.”

”Oh it’s nothing, really, darling.” Rarity insists as you put her down. “Just a little something I whipped up. Can’t have you running around naked after, especially with... eh, that time of the year coming up.”

”What?”

”Nothing! Nothing at all.”

---

”So tell me, traitor, who is this ally you’re trying to reach? I’d like to know how badly I’m damning myself here.” Infernus asks.

You work diligently at a long range com unit.

“He’s a... brother I met a long time ago on a world called Nikaea while serving in the Phoenix Guard. I do not know if he yet lives, though.”

Infernus ponders your words. “Nikaea... I know the name, but I cannot remember its significance.”

You begin typing your message.

”You should remember it. After all, it is where your Imperium declared him and his brothers traitors.

Infernus’s eyes widen in recognition. “By the God-Emperor, you would bring one of those heretics here?!”

You hit a few more buttons and the message is sent.

”Don't call him a god, because he isn't one. I know, I’ve met him.”

---

Imperial shipping lanes near Equestria.

A Dark Eldar corsair ship lists lifelessly in space, torn to ribbons by the guns of a much larger vessel.

”What are you looking for.”

It was not a question. It was a demand. A wretch of a Dark Eldar lays broken on the ground, skin baked by witch fire.

”S... soulstones. Archon’s... trophies...”

Warp lightning danced along the crimson armored giant’s frame as he ended the xeno’s miserable existence. Suddenly a message crossed the crimson sorcerer’s HUD, redirected from his ship. What it said surprised him.

'Strange is the day a bird would ask a bug for help.'

The sorcerer ponders for a moment, letting memories millennia old play out.

He finally decides upon a course of action.

'Stranger still when the bug would answer.'

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