She's Gonna Be The Death Of Me

I, Alexander Ian Greyson, the strongest, most handsome, sarcastic, alcohol-tolerant human in Equestria, was bored. Back on Earth, I had an Xbox to kill my boredom with. Fallout? Borderlands? Battlefield? Gaming is, quite possibly, one of the best ways of killing time. Here, however? Here, technology had not yet managed to get anywhere near such a feat, and so one of the most entertaining things I could do would be to mess with Twilight's head. 'Or Spike's. Or both, actually. Depends on my mood, really.'

One of the best ways of accomplishing such a feat would be to move her alphabetically organised books into separate shelves. 'Lord Of The Pies'? Throw that into the E shelf. 'A Griffons Journey'? R shelf for you, mate. It's always hilarious to see her reaction, though. But not so much when one of the two eventually finds the book and my face is promptly used a dart board for books.'Still worth it...most times.'

At this moment, however, I wasn't even in the library to do such a dastardly thing. Walking around Ponyville, I was searching for something to do. Applejack had the farm sorted out for the time being, so I wasn't needed at work for a while. With my mornings now temporarily free, I was left with very little to do in the way of passing the time. However, I did have a few ideas on as to what I was going to do. My intentions were to find a shop of sorts and to see what else the town had to offer, as I'd yet to actually explore my new home to its fullest. I was only a few minutes into my search when I heard somepony call my name.

"Good morning, Alex." Turning to my side, I find myself looking upon none other than Lyra Heartstrings, one of Ponyville's few resident unicorns. As it happens, I'd known Lyra for a while now, having met her at the welcoming party that Pinkie had thrown for me a while back. We'd spoken from time to time, though mostly in passing greetings.

"Hey Lyra. How you doin'?"

"I'm fine, thank you. So what are you up to?" She asks. 'Currently looking for a way that can both kill my boredom and be fun at the same time. Drinking would be the preferred option, but I've already seen what alcohol this world has to offer. Fuck that shit.'

"Nothing much, just exploring the town." I casually reply.

"Oh? And here I thought you'd be off saving the day again." 'Me? Saving the world? Pfft, I've only done that, like, a dozen times.' Chuckling, I shake my head.

"Nah, today's my day off, thankfully. So what are you doing, then?"

"Well, I was relaxing in the park, but then the Weather Team arrived to prepare for the scheduled storm that would be happening in the next hour or two. Because of that, I didn't want to wait around in the park for it to hit, so I got out of there. Then I was just walking along and I saw you, trotted up to you, and the rest is history." She finishes, smiling up me. 'Cool, I guess? And storm? What sto- oh hold on, Rainbow was saying something about that the other day. Right, let's get this shopping over and done with and get back to the library. I don't need Hit-By-Lightning on my CV, as shocking as it would be.'

"Fair one. So, next hour you say?" She nods. "Damn. Right, I'd best get myself sorted and skidaddle back to the library before I become a human lightning rod."

"Yea, we wouldn't want that now do we?" She jokes, though it would certainly be a rather interesting experience for me.

"Nah, not really. But then again, maybe I'd get super powers? Wouldn't that be shocking." ...'Oh god that was cheesy as all hell. Somebody end this poor man.'

"Was...was that a pun?" 'Maaaybe?'

"Hey, she got it! Let's give her a thunderous applause!" Her hoof met her muzzle, in what I could only assume to be their version of a facepalm. Though, I could definitely see a small smirk, so go me.

"You're a weird stallion, Ale-"

"Human, Lyra."

"My point still stands. Mind if I join you? It'd be nice to get to know you a bit better." She asks. To be honest, I'd not talked to Lyra that much, so it would be nice to know a bit more about the unicorn as well. On the plus side, an extra friend wouldn't hurt at all. 'God knows I need them.'

"Yea, why not. Come along, sweetheart." And with that, the pair of us went on our merry way further down the road, idly chatting about one another.

"So he tried to kill you!?" Lyra exclaims, eyes widening in shock at what Blueblood had tried to do to me that one time. 'Aah, good times.'

"Well, unless shooting magic at the back of someone's head in an attempt to kill them isn't attempted murder these days, then yes, he did." I remark, the mare still looking at me in shock.

"By Celestia, what was that idiot thinking? And in front of the princesses as well? Seriously?"

"Yep. I think the guy may be a few brain cells short, especially after the captain decked the twat." I can't help but smile at such a fond memory. 'I wonder how Shining and Cadance are getting on with their wedding planning. Not heard anything since, and I'm dying to see Twilight's reaction. She'll probably throw a fit at me for not telling her, but damn will it be hilarious as all fuck.' Agreeing with me, the pair of us carry on moving forwards, before I glance at the mare besides me. More specifically, her tattoo. Or, 'cutie mark', as they like to call them. 'I can just feel my masculinity slipping away just by saying that.'

"You know, I never did ask at the party. You're called Lyra, and your cutie mark is a lyre, yea?" I ask, as we turn a corner, heading further into Ponyville. 'Hmm, this place is unfamiliar. Wonder if there's anything interesting around here, then?'

"It is, yes." She answers, looking at me with an expression of curiosity. "Why do you ask?"

"Just wondering, kiddo. From what I know, ponies get those tattoos when they're young, and it signifies their special talent and all that jazz, right?"

"Yes they do. When we find our special talent, we get our cutie mark."

"In that case, I'm gonna take an educated guess and say that you're a musician of sorts?"

"Well, not professionally, but yes I am. As you've already guessed, I play the lyre, and I'm apparently very good at it as well. Bon Bon says that she's never heard anyone play it better than I do." She answers, the pride in her voice unmistakable. 'Bon Bon? Who's that?'

"Bon Bon? That your marefriend?" Judging by how the mare more or less tripped over herself upon hearing this, I guessed so. Seeing the look she was giving me, I shrug. "Hey, I don't judge, kiddo. Love who you want."

"She's not my marefriend, Alex."

"Oh. Well, this is awkward. Who is she then? Sister?"

"She's my best friend, and my housemate as well. Not my marefriend." She explains. Nodding, I can't help but notice the slight disappointment in her tone, though. "I help her run Ponyville's candy store, which is actually right over there!" Following her gaze, I see the store in question.

"Bon Bon's Sweetie Drops?" I ask, taking in the building's appearance. As far as candy stores go, it didn't look that bad. Of course, it didn't have the eye catching ability that Sugarcube Corner had, but still, not bad.

"That's the one! I'm heading in there now. Do you want to come in? I can introduce you to Bon Bon?" As much as I would've loved to, as it would have given me a chance to hopefully meet this Bon Bon and give me an inkling as to how the pair felt around each other, the clouds above us were getting darker with each passing moment, and getting caught in the middle of a storm was not on my agenda for today. It also didn't help that it had begun to rain. 'Oh joy, rain. My favourite.'

"I'd love to, but this storm looks like it's gonna hit any second now, and I'd rather much be back at home before it does. Yea, I'll have to take a raincheck on this one." 'And here we go again.'

"What is it with you and puns?" She sighs, as I give the mare a cocky grin.

"What can I say? I'm just a punny guy." '...'

"..."

"..."

'Somebody kill me please.'

"I'm so sorry."

"Are all humans this weird?"

"Nah, I'm just one-of-a-kind. I'll catch you later, Lyra."

"Goodbye Alex." And with that, she turns away and trots off. As Lyra heads towards the store, I turn away and head back down the road, aiming to get back to the library before the storm got fully under way.

As it turns out, I would have no such luck. I'd only moved a short distance from where I'd left Lyra, when the weather rapidly deteriorated. The wind was now raging all around me, and the rain wasn't making my situation anymore enjoyable. Ponies left and right were rushing into their homes, seeking shelter against the storm. As for me, I was busy making my way through the now empty streets of Ponyville, pushing against both wind and rain towards the library. Unfortunately, I was struggling in that endeavour, as I was having to shield my eyes from the elements. 'Just my luck that I'd get caught up in fucking Storm Desmond over here!'

Before I could curse my misfortune any further, my attention was drawn to a shrill scream coming from somewhere to my right. Squinting my eyes, I'm just about able to make out what appeared to be a small, white filly, hiding under a bench. It only took me a moment to figure out who it was. 'The hell is Sweetie Belle doing out here!?' Making my way towards her, she doesn't notice me whatsoever, her eyes tightly screwed shut and her forelegs covering her head, evidently trying to block out the storm taking place around her.

"SWEETIE BELLE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE!?" I yell, eliciting a startled gasp from the small unicorn. Looking up at me, her eyes widen in surprise, before a wide, relieved smile forms upon her muzzle

"MR GREYSON!" She squeaks, her voice barely being heard over the howling wind. Kneeling down, she jumps into my arms, wrapping her small forelegs around my neck. In any other circumstance, I'd have probably enjoyed the hug to it's fullest. As it stands, however, I was more concerned about getting the cold, shivering filly in my arms to somewhere a whole lot warmer. 'Shit, I need to get her out of here. She'll get hypothermia...if these ponies can even get hypothermia. Fuck, I'm gonna get hypothermia at this rate.'

"We need to get out of this storm, kid! Where's the boutique?" Still clinging onto me for dear life, Sweetie gestures towards the boutique, thankfully only down the road where we stood. Holding on tightly to the filly, I press forward, the wind making the task as arduous as it could. A minute later and we've made it to the door. Reaching for the handle, I throw the door open and stumble inside, quickly shutting the door behind me. Now I needed to get Sweetie somewhere warm. Scanning the room, I spot a number of items that would do just that.

"Right, first things first. Let's get you warm." I say to the still shivering filly, who weakly nods in affirmation. Walking around, I grab a blanket, another blanket, another blanket, and, drum roll please... another blanket. To be fair, I didn't know how resistant a pony was to the cold, so better safe than sorry. Wrapping Sweetie in the multitude of blankets, I gently place her down on Rarity's couch and head towards the kitchen.

Returning minutes later, I hand the warm drink to Sweetie, who happily accepts it, almost downing it in one go. 'Damn, look at you go, champ.' Taking the empty cup off of her, I place it on a nearby table, before taking a seat next to the filly, leaning back into the comfortable material.

"So, mind telling me why in God's name you were out in that storm, Sweetie?" I say, looking to the small unicorn, who looks up at me within her fortress of warmth.

"I was with Applebloom and Scootaloo. We were trying to find our Cutie Marks, and forgot that there would be a storm today." She answers, looking guiltily up at me. "I didn't mean to get caught in the storm, Alex. I'm sorry I got you all wet and cold." Mumbles the filly. 'Is being angry at this kid even possible?' Giving the filly a reassuring smile, I shake my head.

"Don't be sorry, kid. I'm fine, you're fine, it's all fine." I say, standing up from the couch. "Just be more careful next time, eh?" Making my way towards the door, I'm just about to exit the boutique when I hear Sweetie's voice call over to me.

"Where are you going?" She asks, almost falling out off of the couch, blankets and all.

"Well I can't exactly stay here. Twilight'll be worried sick about me, plus I don't think your sister would appreciate it if she came home to some unrefined rogue sleeping over." I reply, still holding onto the door handle.

"B-b-but the storm! You could get hu-" I hold a hand up to stop her. 'Pfft, I'll live.'

"Aah, don't worry about me kid. The library aint that far, I'll just run it." Waving away her continued protests, I open the door...

...And promptly slam the thing shut. Yea, think the storm was bad before? Mate, It's only gotten worse. Hell, I'm positive I saw a tree or two on the verge of falling, and I did not plan on one of them falling on top of me. It would appear that I was going to have to bunker down here for the night. It would also seem that, unless Rarity was on her way back, which, knowing the diva, was highly unlikely as of right now, I was now responsible for Sweetie Belle. 'Oh boy, babysitting? Not done this for a while. Well then, this'll be an interesting evening.' Sighing in resignation, I look over to the filly, who was looking positively delighted with the situation.

"So, what do you do for fun, sweetheart?"

"What in God's name have you done to me..." I groan, looking into the mirror. Standing just behind me, I could both see and hear the unicorn filly trying her hardest to hold back her giggles, though failing quite miserably. 'I really should have seen this coming.' Being the little sister of a fashionista, it shouldn't have come as a surprise that Sweetie Belle had learnt a thing or two from Rarity, mainly in the art of makeup and all that jazz. I don't know how she did it, but one thing led to another, and she ended up practising her skills on me.

Suffice to say, it ended about as well you'd expect. Turning around, I give Sweetie the most menacing glare I could possibly muster. If looks could kill, then the filly would have spontaneously combusted, gone to Heaven, promptly fallen through the clouds and then die on impact. In that circumstance however, my face wouldn't look as if it had been used as a palette for someone in the process of having an epileptic fit.

As it stands, the only effect I was having on the young unicorn was the opposite of what I intended, as her giggles developed into full blown laughter. '"I'm a makeup artist" she said. "It'll be fun" she said. Jesus Alex, you grew up around kids, how the fuck did you not see this coming? Idiot.' Sighing, I fall backwards onto the soft pillows of the workshop that we'd moved into, internally cringing at how much of a mess my face looked. 'I look like an autistic Joker. Cheers kid.'

"How did I get roped into this?" I mumble, trying to figure out how this filly had persuaded me to actually agree to this.

"Well, you said-"

"Yes, I remember. Mate, the girls would get a right kick outta this, kiddo." I say, eliciting a laugh out of the filly, who clambers onto my chest.

"I think you look pretty, Mr Greyson." She smiles, looking over in her hoofwork in closer detail. Gasping in shock, I lift my head to look at Sweetie, a look of mock offence plastered on my face.

"Pretty? Why my dear Sweetie Belle, I am not pretty. I am positively stunning." I reply, putting on my best take on Rarity's voice. It pays off, as the unicorn on my chest devolves into a giggling mess, one that I can't help but join in on. 'Stop being so cute you little devil!'

"Y-you so-sound like m-my sister!" She cries, struggling to breathe. 'That's the point, kiddo.'

"Do I? Darling, whatever do you mean?" I ask, once more adopting Rarity's accent. This pushes Sweetie over the line, who promptly collapses onto my chest, laughing hysterically. "I cannot for the life of me understand how I can sound so alike to such a refined lady like your sister." I'm really not helping Sweetie out, as her laughter only intensifies. A minute passes, and her laughter has died down.

"You're really funny, Mr Greyson." She says, before she suddenly gasps. "Is that your special talent?"

"Special talent?" I question, looking at the filly questioningly.

"Yea! Is being a comedian your talent? Did you get a cutie mark for being a comedian?" 'Oh, that's what she meant.' Chucking, I shake my head.

"Well I'm not exactly a comedian, but I like to think I'm a funny guy at the best of times." I admit, Sweetie looking a bit stumped at my answer.

"Well what does your cutie mark mean?"

"I don't have a cutie mark, kiddo." Evidently, she didn't expect this answer, if her shocked expression meant anything. 'I think I broke her...Kid? Hellooo?'

"W-W-What!? B-B-But everypony gets a cutie mark!"

"For ponies, maybe. But do I look like a pony to you, kiddo?" I ask, gesturing to my fine self. Looking me over, she smirks playfully.

"Oh yea, I forgot. Colts don't look this weird." 'Oh? Is somebody getting playful?'

"Weird? I think 'handsome' is the word you were looking for, Belladonna." I reply, ruffling her mane, the filly pouting at me. Fixing her mane, she jumps off of me, allowing me to get to my feet. Looking at a nearby clock, I notice that we'd been so occupied with making me look like a failed artwork that time had passed rather quickly. "So what time do you eat and go to bed, exactly?"

"Rarity cooks dinner at 6, and then I go to bed at 8." She answers, packing her makeup materials into a small box. Nodding, I help her pack her things away and then gesture for her to follow me, the pair of us heading towards the kitchen.

"Well I'll try and make you something, and then we'll just kill some time before you have to go to bed. "

"Ooh! Can I-" 'NO!'

"No you are not practising your Picasso on me again. It's gonna take an hour to wash this off."

"Oh. Well, can I help you cook instead?"

"Meh, why not. What's the worst that can happen?

In hindsight, those would end up a poor choice of words.

"I'm sorry, Mr Greyson. I didn't mean to burn it." Comes an apologetic Sweetie, staring at me guiltily. Tucking her quilt over her, I shake my head, giving the filly a reassuring smile.

"Don't worry about it kiddo. Happens to the best of us." 'No, it really doesn't.' Have you ever seen that one Simpsons episode, where Homer sets fire to a bowl of cereal for no explainable reason? Well, Sweetie Belle somehow made Homer look like Gordon Ramsay. I literally gave her an ingredient to pour into a mixing bowl, turned away for a second, and turn back to see the bowl and its contents on fire. I literally had to turn that kitchen upside down for something to put the fire out, settling to just throw the bowl through a nearby window and into the storm, where it was promptly struck by lightning of all things. Why? Because God hates me, apparently. Now, Rarity's kitchen was in clip, and she was most likely going to eviscerate me when she saw the state of it. 'Hope you aren't too attached to your balls, Alex.'

"My sister doesn't like to let me cook. She says I'm prone to making mistakes." She mumbles, closing her eyes and leaning into her pillow. 'Mistakes? That's putting it lightly.'

"I'm sure you'll master the culinary arts eventually, kiddo. Until then, keep trying sweetheart." I say, reaching over and twiddling with her mane, receiving a smile in response. "I'll see you in the morning. Unless your sister's already evicted me, that is. G'night, kiddo."

"Goodnight, Mr Greyson." Comes her soft reply, as I exit the bedroom. Closing the door, I make my way to the bathroom, intending to wash away the horror story that was Sweetie's makeover. Minutes later, and now looking as if I wasn't starring in an 'IT' film, I'm lying on Rarity's couch. Today had been a very interesting, yet exhausting day, and the prospect of sleep was looking very enticing indeed. Closing my eyes, I was out like a light in moments.

However, I was quickly awoken to something moving on top of me. Opening my eyes, everything's blurry for a moment, before I finally focus on something white standing on top of me. It only took me a moment to realise that it was Sweetie Belle. 'Wha..?'

"Whats up, kid?" I mutter, groggy as all hell.

"I couldn't sleep." She answers, staring sleepily at me. 'And you had to wake me up to tell me this, why?'

"Oh...Okay? What do you want me to do about it, exactly?" I yawn, looking questioningly up at the filly.

"Can I sleep with you?" 'BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH! DO NOT WANT!'

"Uhh...Why?"

"Well...you're really warm." She answers, curling up onto my chest. She's like a cat. An adorable, talking, equine cat. "Please?" 'Oh god, the puppy eyes! Hold men! HOLD! HOLD THE LINE! DO NOT GIVE THE FLUFFY WHITE DEMON AN INCH!'

"I'll think about it."

"Pleaasee?" 'Hold up, I'm getting a call....Hello?...Huh?...What do you mean the heart's stopped?...A Cuteonary Sclerosis?...How the hell is that even possible?...Fine! I'll do it! Just get that shit back online!' Relenting, I move the blanket away, creating a space for her.

"Fine, whatever. Get comfortable kiddo." Squeeing, Sweetie joins me under the blanket, lying on top of my chest. Looking at the small equine curled up on my chest, I can't help but silently chuckle at the absurdity of the situation. 'I'm sleeping with a small unicorn curled up on my chest like a cat. My life is weird as all fuck.' Leaning back against the pillow, I once more fall asleep, this time joined by the small filly lying on my chest, a content smile on her muzzle.

"Oh my gosh oh my gosh! Girls, you have got to see this!" 'Oh great, what now?'

"Whatever is the matter darli-oh!" 'Is that Rarity? Wait, hold up...'

"Well gosh darn if that ain't the cutest thing ah've seen." 'Oh no, please don't tell me...'

"Where's my camera..." 'OH DON'T YOU FU-' *SNAP* '-CK!' Opening my eyes, I'm greeted by the sight of a camera levitating right above me, a picture sliding out of it. Looking past it, I see Rainbow, Rarity, Applejack and Twilight staring at me, smiling/smirking at the sight before them. Following their gaze, I notice Sweetie Bell still on top of me, though she was no longer on my chest. Instead, she was nestled just under my chin, her forelegs wrapped around my neck. Looking between the filly and the camera, I sigh.

"I'm going to find that picture everywhere now, aren't I?" Twilight nods, and I sigh. "I'm gonna get you back, Sparky. Just you wait."

"We'll see about that, Alex." Comes the smug unicorn, who happily levitates her camera away from me. A sudden movement brings my attention away from Twilight and towards Sweetie Belle, who was beginning to stir.

"Wakey wakey, Belladonna. The Hug-A-Human store is now closed." Groggily, the filly looks up from her comfortable position, tiredly meeting my eyes

"What time is it?" She mumbles, completely oblivious to the other occupants in the room.

"Time you released this poor captive of yours?" I suggest, gesturing to her forelegs still holding onto me. It took her a few moments to realise what I meant, before she reluctantly let go, much to the amusement of the mares in the room. Scanning the room, her gaze falls upon the group of mares standing beside us, her face heating up in embarrassment.

"So this is where you've been?" Twilight asks, gesturing to the boutique.

"Yup."

"And ya' didn't try to get back to Twilight's?"

"Well I did, but I didn't fancy being hit by lightning and/or a tree on the way."

"And so you took it upon yourself to take shelter in my boutique?"

"Well I didn't have much of a choice, Snowflake. It was either that, or I leave both myself and your sister out in the middle of the stor-"

"Hold on a moment, darling. What do you mean my sister?" Interrupts Rarity, stepping closer to the pair of us on the couch.

"It seems that Sweetie over here forgot about the storm, and so when it hit, was forced to hide under a bench. I found her on the way back to the library, ran her back in here, got her warm and was then forced to stay the night, what with the storm being in full swing by then." I explain, my explanation both relieving the mare in front of me and surprising both her and the rest of them.

"Well ah'll be. Ya' a real hero, Alex." 'Only just figuring that out?'

"Yea! Saving a filly in the middle of a storm? You're like, 20% cooler!" 'Cheers, I guess?'

"It's nothing, really. Besides, Sweetie over here is far too adorable for me to just leave in the middle of a storm." I say. Hopping off of me, Sweetie moves to stand beside her sister whilst I sit up from the couch. As I do so, I'm suddenly enveloped in a hug from Rarity herself. Though taken by surprise, I return the hug.

"Thank you, Alex, for saving my sister." I hear her whisper. Smiling, I release the mare, who hops back down off of the couch and back towards her friends.

"Alexander Greyson, hero for hire. Get him before he's gone." I joke, getting a laugh out of all ponies present. Excusing herself, Rarity leaves the room, leaving me with the rest of the girls. "So did anything interesting happen last night whilst I was stuck in he-"

"ALEXANDER GREYSON!" Screams Rarity from the other room, startling all of us. Looking towards where the scream came from, I quickly realise just why she was screaming. Standing in the kitchen doorway was Rarity, levitating a number of broken pots and pans behind her. 'Oh fuck me...'

"Oh, Alex?" She growls, trotting closer to me. 'Fuck.'

"Yea, sweetheart?" I answer, slowly backtracking away from the mare. Looking to the others for help, I'm not surprised to see that there were no others, as they'd all already fled. 'Fuuuuuuck.'

"What. Exactly. Happened!?"

"Well, it's a long story..."

It was a long story indeed. One that resulted in me giving up the gems that I'd stolen borrowed from the dragon that day to make up for the damages, and to ensure that I didn't find my head being used as target practice from the still peeved fashionista. Still, I was happy to get out of that situation with my manhood intact, so I'd say it was a fair trade in the end.

Author's Notes:

Daww. This was a cute chapter. Alex talks to Lyra for a bit, gets caught up in the storm, saves Sweetie and hunkers down in the boutique for the night. And then Sweetie turns Alex into some demented looking mime and then almost burns the place down. Just an average day, really.

See you in the next chapter, folks! Peace.