First advantage of being in the castle, baths, and laundry. Two, two advantages then. I was taking advantage of both. I hadn't meant to do the second right away, but they left little choice in the matter. They pointed me to the baths eagerly on request, and the moment I stripped free of my clothes, a maid hurried over to grab them with her magic.

I managed to get a grip on them just before they got out of reach. "There are some delicate things in there, let me take them out." She frowned but waited long enough for me to strip the clothes of electronics and tools I didn't want being washed. I was fairly certain my phone didn't want or need a bath.

"Magicians and their toys." She trotted off with her load of soiled clothes.

I was naked in a pony castle. There were worse places to be, I supposed. The water was warm, the soap made bubbles in the water. I was ready to be clean. Sinking into the heat, I let out a happy sigh. Tension I was barely aware of faded as I sank to a bench beneath the surface of the bathwater.

A unicorn poked her head into the room. "Would you like assistance in bathing?" She dipped her head at me. "We are ready to serve."

I wasn't a noble. Did they treat anyone that happened to be there the same? That was magnanimous on their part. "I can clean myself," I said in a good natured way, raising a hand free to wave at her.

She peered at the digits. "Are you a minotaur? Even they can't reach all of their back." She took a hesitant step forward. "It's no trouble at all."

I had a feeling she was trying to be helpful, and wanted a peek at the curious creature in her domain. I would have peace if I either shooed her away forcefully, which might hurt feelings, or just let her do her job. I waved her forward. "Alright, go ahead and get back there if you want to." She smiled radiantly and approached. She really did want that, it was obvious. I tried to ignore her and get to washing the rest of me with a bar of soap that they had left beside the tub.

She gasped softly on reaching the edge of the tub. She opened her mouth as if to speak, but she bit back whatever words wanted to be free. "I'll take care of you," she settled on, sinking beside the tub. Her magic grabbed a bathing sponge and soon had a dollop of liquid soap on it before she began scrubbing my back dutifully.

I normally didn't think much of my back, but there was obviously dirt back there, with the water going darker with her vigorous rubbing. She worked up to my neck and down to my posterior before the loofa-like tool she was using began to trap out to my front. If I didn't stop her, she would clean everything. She was doing a good job though.

Oh well, when in France, as they said. I relaxed against the side of the tub and let her cleaning touch wander over me, only objecting when she hit a sensitive spot.

She burst into giggles. "Stallions, all the same." She moved on past it without argument. "You can handle that on your own as you please." She drew the spikey sponge free and put it in a small bowl before grabbing another to finish the job. "Did you come a long way? You're caked with half the dirt in Equestria."

"I came from further than that." I didn't feel like getting into the full measure of how far I had come to reach the castle. "How about you, born in Canterlot?"

"Oh, yes sir." She smiled gently. "I've never been beyond its walls. I like it here, if you ask me." She rose to her hooves. "Would you like some perfume? You're clean enough to see Her, but she prefers a nice floral scent." She leaned in a little. "I know her favorite."

I had planned to just soak a bit longer, but that sounded like a useful offer. "I think I'll take you up on that." I turned around and pulled myself up and out of the tub.

Her magic suddenly surrounded me. Unicorn magic felt odd on naked skin. It was like countless tiny nubs were pressing against me from all directions. They ran in unison, drawing the water right off of me faster than a towel could ever have managed. "All dry," she sang out. "Now you wait here, I'll get the scents." She turned away and cantered off quickly. She was back in no time at all with a large green vial with a stopper on the top.

She popped the stopper free in her magic and brought the vial closer. There was no spritzer. It was just fluid and she would rub it on me. Such was the technology of the time. It did smell nice, though I couldn't identify what flower(s) it contained. She upturned it slightly and started splashing me with the scent, working it into my skin with a little smile. "I must say the only other time I had bare flesh to work with was the one time a dragon stopped by. It must be nice." She let out a wistful sigh. "All that smooth skin, so pretty and easier to wash and scent!"

Was I being admired by a reverse furry? That was amusing. "Sorry to interrupt, but do you know when I see the princess?"

That got her attention. "Oh! I can find out. You return to your room and I'll meet you there." She topped her perfume bottle and trotted off on her new task.

I was clean, scented, and still naked. I grabbed a fluffy towel to have a minimum amount of decency. Where had that laundry-maid run off to? I peeked out into the hallway and saw mostly other servants and other guards. I waved down a guard, hoping they would know where other people were. "Do you know where laundry's done? They have my clothes."

The guard perked an ear at being addressed. "Oh? One moment." He trotted past without a pause.

The interior of the castle had, so far, been run pretty well. I decided to have a little faith that he was on it. I heard clopping coming. Was that her, or him?

It was neither. The largest of them all stepped into the bathroom only to stop at the sight of me. Princess Celestia tilted her head just so faintly. "My apologies. I had not realized this room was in use."

I pressed off the wall I was against. "No no! Please, come in. I already took my bath."

She gave a wry smile. "And now you would watch me partake of mine? You do not appear to be one of the bath maids, mister...?"

"Langerman, Ian Langerman." I bowed, one hand at my waistland to keep the towel from doing anything I didn't want it to. "I've been hoping to speak to you."

She strode past me. "I'm afraid I'm only of the mind for my bath, Mister Langerman. Unless you are willing to fill in for the missing maid, there's little for you here."

There was a taunting tone to that voice. She was waiting for me to embarrassedly excuse myself, or maybe she thought I was self-important enough to be offended at the suggestion. That would also remove me from her sight. I would not indulge her. I stepped back towards the tub with a smile. "As it turns, I've learned a thing or two about proper pony massage." As in, they liked ear scratches. "If you will allow me, I would be delighted to assist you, Celestia."

She turned her head towards me. "We are not yet that familiar, Mister Langerman." She raised a hoof and presented it to me. "I can't get in like this."

It took a moment for it to click. She wanted me to take off her clothing, starting with her horseshoes. Well, who was I to keep a lady waiting, two legs or four? I dropped to a knee and took her horsehoe in my hands. I found a catch near the back and with it worked, the shoe popped free, allowing her hoof into the air. Note, shoed hooves could get a bit of a stink to them that didn't become the monarch's otherwise regal appearance. I tried to put that aside as she switched which hoof was being presented and I worked off the second one. She was here to get clean, it was no time to fault her for stinking.

I circled around her as she extended a hoof backwards, like a half buck caught in time. I quickly had her rear shoes off and put to the side. "Do you want to keep your jewelry on?" I didn't want to presume to go grabbing for her crown or that massive necklace she wore.

She pointed with a forehoof at an ornate box. "Set them both in there and close the lid. See the box beneath it? The shoes go in there. They will be clean by the time I am."

That was simple enough. I soon had her jewels and shoes stored safely. When I closed each lid, it began to glow yellows and blues. Magic? Cleaning magic, I guessed.

While I was working on that, Celestia stepped down into the tub. Her bulk forced the water up, some of it overspilling with the mass of her before she was comfortably settled, her long neck poking free ot the water. She was watching me. "Tell me, Mister Langerman, what is it you were hoping to speak of? Are you a diplomat of your people? I've never seen one quite like you before."

That was a trap. If I neglected my washing duties, she could send me away without a single answer. I grabbed a bathing sponge from the bowl the unicorn maid had taken from to clean me and got some soap in it. Monkey see, monkey do, as the saying went, and I went in to get at her back. I was soon crouching beside the tub, her long back before me.

With her eyes on me, I reached out to begin scrubbing through the soft off-white fur of her back.

"That looks uncomfortable." I glanced up at her words. "You're stretching. I presume you don't have magic to reach further. Why don't you come closer? I do not bite." As if the emphasize the point, she revealed her white equine teeth at me. "I am certain you will not display anything I have not seen before, Mister Langerman."

She said that, but there was no reason for me to take off my towel. I slid into the tub, more water splashing free. The towel floated a moment before it began to become water logged and sank back to cover my secrets. I was sharing the bath with Celestia. That was one way to get close to her. I got to working my hand and the sponge across her vast back and sides. I could feel her flesh fluttering whenever I hit a sensitive point, but I was doing what I set to do, cleaning her. "I am a human, Princess Celestia. Homo Sapiens, as called by our own scholars, but that is a name born of a species that is alone on its world."

"Pony Latin?" She had her eyes on me, but she felt relaxed, willing to allow me to continue bathing her. "Wise man? A very presumptuous name to give an entire species. Are you all given to thoughtful consideration?"

Oh boy, as if... "I'm hoping to live up to that name. I have a gift for you, for all of Equestria." I ran the soap down over her cutie mark, cleaning the sun that graced her rump. She tensed. Were cutie marks sensitive places? It needed to be cleaned as anywhere else, so I continued. "Tell me, what is the most pressing problem that ponykind faces?" I could think of a thousand things they could use, but what she prioritized felt the smarter way to go.

Author's Notes:

Praise that sun, Ian! Praise it as if your life depended on it, which it might.

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