Words words words words plot. the end. Plot. cliffhanger. Naw just kidding. Sort of.

........................................................................................

'Well, Now what? I pretty much just shat on the armies of Bloodmoon and destroyed everything. What do you do with this?' I thought to myself as I walked glumly down the Canterlot main street.

"I know what we can do."Glenn said solemnly.

'What?' I thought to myself.

"We can mount a siege on the castle of Bloodmoon which we have magically found the location of because I am the Deus ex Machina you have kept in reserve since the beginning of this story." Glenn stated telepathically in a dead monotone.

'And we will siege this place how?' As designated destroyer of dreams, it was my duty to naysay and destroy ideas made by others.

"We will use the Fluttertank that I have acquired because I have a Fluttershy and because I am amazing." Glenn replied.

"A what now?" I replied, not quite understanding what he was talking about.

"Oh my God." Glenn replied with exasperation.

A flut-ter-tank." He suddenly shouted in my ear.

So after my nose fixed itself and Glenn put his teeth back in his mouth we decided that as a rule, sneaking up on each other was a very bad and life-ending plan, so we resolved never to do it again. Ever.

"SUP BITCHES!" Danny screamed from directly behind us.

So after Daniel put his arm back on and his jaw was in place again we decided that it was a bad idea to sneak up on people in general, and we all resolved to amend our foolish ways and never do anything like this again.

"GET ON WITH IT!" Vinyl yelled from behind all three of us.

And that's how I became a widower. No just kidding, she was already dead anyway.

"Sorry about your wife bro, but hey, at least she died the way she lived, scaring the shit out of everyone who saw her." Daniel said consolingly as he patted me on the back.

"Respawning in 5." I said monotonously.

"Dude. She exploded, fell down, then exploded again, she's not getting back up." Glenn muttered almost to himself.

"Well, that was a thing... which occurred... and stuff." Vinyl stated as she slowly climbed out of the crater in the ground.

"Told you." I said as looked at Daniel.

"Told him what?" Vinyl asked.

"Respawning in five." I said again.

"Oh. Anyway, would someone like to explain to me why I should not kill all three of you and eat you like funyuns?" Vinyl asked angrily.

"I've got one." I said as I stood up and walked over to her.

"Oh this should be good." Vinyl said sarcastically.

"I could..." I began as I started whispering in her ear.Her face quickly changed from a scowl, to wide-eyed look of surprise, to shocked 'O' face, to a bashful smile complete with red blush, to a full-on 'come hither' look that seemed to be asking for a heap of very naughty things.

"Can you even do that?" Vinyl asked in shocked surprise when I finished.

"I don't know. Wanna find out?" I asked playfully.

"Promise you'll go through with it?" Vinyl asked.

"Cross my heart, hope to... dammit. How about yes? Is yes okay? Yes is okay. We'll go with that." I said quickly. The answer seemed to satisfy the DJ mare for the moment, and she stood aside from us so we could continue going about our not business.

"What did you say to her?" Danny asked as i walked back to my friends.

"You can read minds. Are you telling me you don't know?" I replied.

"Speaking of." Glenn interjected. "I didn't think you would even know what that was, much less that it was a fetish that anyone could have, and anyway, you always seemed to me like more of a sadist than a masochist. I mean, that shit was pretty fucked up, I didn't even know you had it in you."

"What did he even say?" Daniel asked as he contemplated what could have gotten a response from Glenn. Glenn then proceeded to whisper in Danny's ear for a moment, during which time Daniel's face moved through several shades of surprise before Glenn finally finished.

"Whoah, dude. I never thought I would say this, but you may actually be ready for f-list. I salute you sir, for actually being able to provoke a response from me, and I extend to you my respect for being almost as fucked up as me." Danny then proceeded to salute me with a dorky salute.

"Yeah that's great and all, but we should probably get on top of the whole, 'hey there's a bad moon on the rise and some crazy bitch is gonna kill us all and turn this into George Orwell's worst nightmare' thing that seems to be going on." I said with mild annoyance.

"Oh right, that. Yeah I suppose we should stop procrastinating and get that done, since we obviously won't hear the end of it until we do." Daniel conceded.

"Well that's awesome and all, but we're gonna need the tank if we want to get through the giant fortress and fuckloads of guards she has coming out of her ass." Glenn stated unanimatedly.

"I suppose you know where we could acquire said tank?" I asked half-sarcastically.

"Yeah it's right over there." Glenn said as he pointed towards the area behind me. I turned around and there, plain as day, was a yellow M1A2 Abrams-esque tank with purple butterflies on it.

"So it is." I said as I looked at it.

"Well come on then. Let's get this bullshit done so we can not do things." Daniel said as he made his way to the tank. I looked to Glenn and shrugged, before following our glorious leader Danny to the hulk of steel and other metals so beautifully magicked into place before us.

Danny made his way to the tank and climbed on top of it, Twilight opened the hatch just a moment later and Danny quickly climbed in, Glenn followed just a moment later, and Twilight popped out again like a groundhog and threw me a suspiciously human-like headset.

"No more room in the main area, plus, we need a driver. Have fun!" Twilight then retreated into the metal shell like a trollish turtle, leaving me no choice but to accept my fate and jump into the driver's seat.

As I entered the driver's cabin and sat down in the leather seat, I was made acutely aware of the fact that I had absolutely no idea about how to drive a tank. My lack of understanding was quickly made more acute when i realized that there were about a hundred buttons, levers, switches, and toggles that I had absolutely no knowledge of. Well, I could figure it all out on the fly, no need to panic... Then I looked to the side, and saw something that was even more horrible, a stick shift, a real, live, actual, stick shift. I was not only being expected to drive a tank, but a tank that used manual gear shift. Fuck.

"Uh, Twilight?" I said through the microphone in my headset.

"Yeah?" Came the reply.

"How do use?" I asked simply.

"Okay, so first, you'll need to find the switch that toggles fuel flow to the engines, this thing runs on rainbows and magic, two things which can be very unstable, so I need you to immediately press the buttons as they light up and in the order they light up once you have flipped the switches, after the buttons have been pressed, you will need to start the engines by turning the key until you hear a big noise. Get it?" Twilight asked.

"Sure." I said with false confidence, as I fully expected to blow us up.

I shrugged and started anyway, looking for the fuel flow switches, before coming to the conclusion that nothing was labeled. Fuck. I saw two switches that looked fairly close together, they seemed distinctly like things that I should be flipping. Ah fuck it, yolo! I thought to myself as I flipped both the switches. A button on the panel in front of me lit up, then another, and another, then several more, and then suddenly the whole panel was ablaze with red and green buttons. Ffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuck it. "press all the buttons!" I shouted as I began madly pressing buttons on the panel as fast as I could. There was a sudden burst of noises from the innards of the metal hulk, and a new light appeared in front of me above the steering wheel, I took this to mean that I should turn the key, and promptly twisted it like any other key. The engine promptly responded to my loving ministrations by starting with a throaty, almost orgasmic roar. The beefy sounds leading me to the conclusion that this thing was carrying an engine that would put the greatest sportscar ever to a crying shame.

"Hey Twilight. You said this thing was running on rainbows and magic right?" I asked in amazement as I heard the lion roar of the giant hulk reverberating through the cockpit.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, this tank is currently using dual Thunder and Lightning engines, fabricated at-"Twilight said as she began launching into a technical overview of the machinery, before she was rudely interrupted.

"How much power do they supply?" I asked before she could continue.

"Each on supplies about six hundred wingpower. Why?"

"Just wanted to know what I was getting int-... Did you say wingpower?" I asked in surprise.

"Yeah. Why?" Twilight replied quizzically.

"Why not horsepower? I mean, that seems like a more appropriate measurement to make for a tank doesn't it?" I asked.

"Well yes, perhaps, but these engines were designed and fabricated by the pegasus designers War Thunder and Raiden Lightning, so naturally, they chose their system of measurement. Twilight explained quite contritely.

"Makes sense to me, anyway, we should get moving. Where were we going by the way?" I suddenly realized I had no idea where I was going.

"Oh, right. Well, for starters, we need to get out of Canterlot, so just start making your way southeast along the roads. Oh and uh, take it easy okay? Twilight said the last part quite nervously, as if she were expecting my impeccable driving skills to fail me. Ha! not a chance. One had to have prior knowledge of driving in order for their skills to fail them. Pffft, joke was on them.

"Righty-ho, in the words of one of the greatest science-fiction medical practitioners in the history of British television, Allonz-y!" I shouted as I pressed the pedal and switched to first gear, shortly before realizing that i couldn't see where I was going thanks to the multiple inches and feet of armor in front of me. I quickly opened the hatch and stuck my head out so i could get a good look, just in time to see a hot dog stand rapidly approaching us. Or were we just going that fast? In any case, it became a moot point a moment later when the treads of the behemoth I was driving crushed it like so many bay leaves in an Italian dish. Or wait, did Italians use bay leaves? Whatever, you get the idea.

"What was that?" Twilight asked in a tone of slight concern.

"Oh nothing, just the damn Canterlot roads with their stupid bumps and such, they really ought to get these repaved." I cheerfully lied.

"Right, I'll take your word for it."Twilight replied quickly.

I continued my way across the crowded city, reaching the gates after only a few minutes of careful driving (Glad I took those shortcuts through the home for battered mares, the zebra orphanage, and the school for deaf unicorns.) later. Finally reaching the straight-of-way leading to the gate as the moon was nearing its zenith.

"Do you even know where you're going?" Daniel asked.

"I'm sorry but it's really hard to see with all these stupid orphan and widow bits blocking the periscope. I have to put my head out the hatch and look." I replied.

I looked ahead at the gatehouse down the street, and quickly realized it was closed. I relayed as much to Twilight, who briefly came out of her shock induced coma to school me on how shit worked here in rebar-up-ass-ville.

"The gates close after sunset, we'll have to sort things with the guards before we can leave, but it should be okay." Twilight said calmly.

"So, on a scale of one to livid, how pissed would Celestia be if we were to say, let ourselves out?" I asked absentmindedly.

"No, oh no, no no no no no no nonononononono. I know what you're going to do, and I am telling you right now, that if you even try to do what I think you are going to, Bloodmoon will be the least of your problems." Twilight fairly screamed into my ear.

"So pretty mad then. Well, there's only one thing to do in this situation." I said determinedly.

"Put on some badass music and kick it into high gear?" Daniel said hopefully.

"Put some badass music on and kick it into hi- you clever bastard you." I said with wry amusement

"Daniel!" Twilight shouted scornfully.

"Hang on, I got just the thing. *Click*"

"Not what I had in mind, but fine, it'll have to do." I sigh as I change the stick to second gear. A few seconds later, I was forced to bring my head back into the tank as we powered through the gate with an audible *crunch* and a thump that reverberated throughout the entire tank.

"That wasn't so bad." I said as I brought my head back out and looked ahead at our path. I was immediately unnerved by the fact that we appeared to be heading straight for a cliff, before remembering that this entire city was in fact perched atop a mountain in a strange and physics breaking way. I of course steered the tank back onto a path with a trajectory that did not end with thousand foot falls, and soon we were back on track, careening around the sharp corners and avoiding the edge of the path as I made us a way downward. Soon enough we were on a trail leading towards Bloodmoon's little playhouse, everyone happily playing traveling games like 'I spy a- HOLY BUCKING HORNS!', 'who wet the seat', and 'oh Celestia please just let me liii-hiiii-hiveee'.

It took nearly four hours of driving to finally come to a place where we were close. As we approached, no one said anything, so I just kept going. Eventually, we reached the end of the forest I had been hastily plowing through to the barren killing field surrounding the giant and admittedly awesome black stone fortress looming up before us like a giant monument saying "bitch please I'm a gigantic fortress and you can't do shit to me. Well fuck you! Cause guess what? W3 g0t 1337 c4nn0ns b333444tch!

"Danny?" I said into radio.

"Danny!" I repeated.

"Huh? What? Oh, We're there?Oh shit! We're there!" Danny shouted in surprise as he woke up and manned the gun, firing a shot at the huge and nigh impenetrable seeming walls. Which were promptly damaged by the force of the explosion from the shot fired.

"Ho-ly shit!" I exclaimed upon seeing the ridiculous amount of power generated by the shot fired.

"What the hell is in the shots we're firing Twilight?" I overheard Danny ask.

"Explosive magic spells laced into a crystal lattice. Why?" 'Why' she says, as if we were supposed to expect that she could channel explosion into a crystal. Smart ass.

Danny didn't dignify her with a response, and instead focused his attention to blasting away as fast as Fluttershy and Glenn could reload, (who put them on that task we would never know) but our crew managed to keep up a stunning rate of firepower as we closed on the quickly crumbling walls.

Okay, we've got their attention, now we just have to get through the walls." Twilight said hopefully.

"Through the walls? that's a great idea!" I shouted madly as I put the tank up to its highest gear, making a mad dash for the stone wall of their defense.

"Wait! What do you think your doing!?" Twilight shouted in terror.

Ow it's brick--- wall!

sittin' in the way just beggin' to go down!

It's a brick--- wall!

stacked with stone and that's a fact but it won't be there for long!

It's a brick--- wall!

Well gun the engines and fire the guns, if it thinks it's tough it's wrong!

it thinks it's all high and mighty. Sittin' there in my way. yeah yeah

What makes it think it's so tough? ten yards tall, twenty deep, three hundred long, but if it thinks it'll stand it's wrong!

It's a brick--- wall!

sittin' in the way just beggin' to go down!

It's a brick--- wall!

Stacked with stone and that's a fact but it won't be there for long.

oh it's a ber-rick--- wall

it's the one, the biggest one, and I'm gonna bring it down!

It's maker's wicked old ways, make me wish, and long, to fuck her day.

Yeah it's well built! i know, and I don't care.

Still gonna tear through her city like a rampaging bear!

Cause it's a brick--- wall

sittin' in my way just beggin to go down.

oh it's a briick--- wall.

It's the one, the biggest one, and I'm gonna bring it down.

Break it down break it down now, break it down break it down now

Break it down break it down now, break it down break it down now

Break it down break it down now, break it down break it down now

cause it's a brick--- wall

sittin in my way just beggin' to go down.

Ow it's a briiick--- wall

It's the one, the biggest one, and I'm gonna bring it down.

*Ker-Crash!* *thwoom!* *Booom!*

I came to a moment later, to find that a bunch of lights that probably shouldn't have been on were, in fact, blinking. i quickly realized that this was problematic and pushed the top hatch open, and quickly found myself face to ugly with a giant black dragon. He was regarding me like a lion regards a mouse, with a complete and utter contempt for my existence. *Whiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrr* I looked straight up to see that the gun had rotated around to point at the dragon, before breaking into a smug grin and ducking back into the tank as the dragon reared up to breathe its fire and incinerate me.

Booom! Headshot.

"Bitch please, I'm the Danny." Daniel's voice monotoned through the headset.

"Let me go on record as saying your idea was terrible! You almost killed us all!" Twilight shouted angrily at me.

"That was awesome! Let's do it again!" Vinyl shouted joyously.

"Great job genius, real great plan you had here." Glenn said sarcastically.

"If every bone in my body wasn't screaming in pain right now, I'd be bucking you in the face with my steel-shod hooves. Silver said painfully.

"Aww quit your whining and bail out! we still got a job to do!" I shouted scornfully before again opening the hatch and jumping out of our now half-buried tank. Which, by the way, was now freshly coated with red paint thanks to the dragon.

The human and vampire occupants were all quick to hop out and get moving, the ponies generously agreeing to stay with the tank and make sure we got a good parking spot. We were then left with the greatest team ever assembled for dungeon crawling: Danny (Chaotic neutral) (Spellsword), Glenn (True neutral) (Pure mage), Vinyl (good) (rogue), and me, Kyle (Chaotic good) (Warrior). Best team ever, in the history of D&D.

"Try to keep up!" I yelled as I pushed forward towards the keep. We all knew that Bloodmoon was in there, the villain is always in the biggest, kickassed place in the evil fortress place.

"Really dude?" Glenn said as he calmly floated after us. That's right, his feet were literally too good for the fround at this point, he just flew around if he wanted to be somewhere, or TPed.

"What?" I replied indignantly.

"You just... If anything, Daniel should have been the one to say that, he's the one with the magic powers." Glenn said in annoyance.

"I don't even know what you're talking about." I replied flatly.

"You... Whatever, just go." Glenn waved me on with a hand and went back to playing his DS while floating around like the dainty butterfly he fucking was.

"You guys go ahead, Imma just sit here." Daniel said simply as he sat on the ground and relaxed.

"Are you kidding me? You're just gonna sit out the best part?" I asked incredulously.

"Chaotic neutral, I'm exercising my neutrality. live with it." Daniel said as he nonchalantly lay his head back and stared up at the sky.

"Glenn?" I asked.

"Yeah?"

"May I have a pokeball?"

"I guess. Here you go." Glenn shrugged and threw me a master ball, he probably had a few stacks of 999 in his friggin backpack, but whatever.

"Thanks."

"No problem dude."

I immediately looked at Danny and threw the ball at his feet. Danny looked at me and said: "Dude, those don't work on people." Shortly before the ball opened and sucked him in. The ball shook around for a few seconds, but it was more for show than anything else, since not even legendaries could escape master balls. A sprinkle of fairy dust popped out around it a second later, followed closely by a line of text which appeared out of the ground. "Danny was caught!" I brushed it out of the way, and a new line of text appeared. "Would you like to rename Danny?" I grinned deviously and pressed yes, then a keyboard appeared in the air. I typed in: "Bitchyu" and put the master ball in my pocket.

"Really... You really did that." Glenn said without emotion.

"Problem officer?" I asked trollishly.

"Nope, he had it coming."

"Good, let us continue." I said as i continued walking towards the giant gate that opened into what would likely be the keep. Only to be interrupted by a giant three headed dog. Well shit!

*A wild Cerberus attacks*

"Bitchyu! I choose you!" I yelled as I threw the master ball out, letting Danny out of the ball and assuming the strange control thing you somehow get over them for some strange reason. A screen with a few options popped up. I quickly selected attack, and was greeted with another screen, straight out of every Pokemon game I've ever played.

His move list was as follows: Hyper Beam, Splash, Harden, and Tackle. unfortunately, dan...I mean Bitchyu used up all his PP on the Hyper Beam when he exploded Vinyl. Like a muthafuckin' sir.

"Whelp, he's fucked." Glenn said simply as he eyed the moves list.

The giant dog suddenly charged forward and bit one of its heads down on Bitchyu, Picking up and shaking him like a chew toy before throwing him on the ground.

*Cerberus used bite... It's super effective!*

"Yeah! Thanks announcer asshole! We noticed!" I shouted angrily. Amazingly, Bitchyu's health didn't go all the way to zero, he still had one HP left.

"Uhh... Use tackle!" I shouted.

Bitchyu ran forward and, somehow, tackled the thing to the ground, a huge triple *snap* rang out as all three of the cerberus' necks broke.

*Bitchyu used tackle, It's super effective! Critical hit!*

"Well... huh." I said as I saw the XP bar just keep going up,before stopping at lvl 45.

*What's this!? Bitchyu is trying to evolve!*

"He's what now?" I said out loud. Before realizing that this might be a bad thing. "Uhhhh..." *Rapidly taps where the A button should be* "nononononononoNONONONONONONO!"

*Bitchyu evolved into: Crestire Daniel!*

"Well... huh..." I said simply, shortly before I was suddenly kicked through a house and out the other side.

"Imma badass now beeeaaaatch!" Daniel shouted as he suddenly stood gloating over me. I kicked him in the balls. He shut up for a while.

So after I fixed my bones, and Danny fixed his bone, we all agreed that from now on, Pokeballs were off limits in real life, unless pokemon could be caught.

"So you're what now?" I asked Danny.

"I'm a member of a superior race of super-humans, the next stage of human evolution, an adaptable race of men capable of recovering from terrible injuries, of feats of immense strength, of..."

"Yeah I don't care. Let's just go." I said simply.

Daniel sighed and nodded, before continuing forward with the rest of us, we soon reached the front gate, fully expecting to have to break through it. We were all pleasantly surprised when it began to open on its own. We were of course completely oblivious to any idea of the possibility that there could perhaps be an ambush waiting for us, and therefore we were not expecting that ambush. At all. nope. The four heavily armored ponies were absolutely successful in their attack, and were not absolutely destroyed by Danny, Vinyl, Glenn, or myself. JK they totally exploded.

"Eeeeewwwwwwww! I got pony chunks on me!" Vinyl whined as she tried to brush the red out of her coat with a hoof. Not at all succeeding in anything but rubbing blood all over herself.

"Considering you just got covered in equine gibs because your husband exploded it with a salvo of high calibre shells, you seem pretty okay in the head. For a person who would marry Kyle at least." Glenn said as he surveyed the scene of the after carnage.

"Well thanks, I'm glad you... What do you mean 'for someone who would marry Kyle?" Vinyl eyed Glenn angrily.

"Well... He is kind of crazy, and also weird, and ugly, but hey, Danny didn't let that stop him." Glenn motioned to Danny as a case and point.

"Hey, Kyle is the best guy ever! Don't you be insulting him!" Vinyl said threateningly.

"Hey I was just making an observation. You're blowing this way out of proportion here." Glenn said calmly.

"Girls girls, you're both pretty, now let's get on with this shit so we can go home." I finally said. I could be pissed at Glenn for calling me stupid, crazy and ugly later. Even if it was true. Right now though, shit to do.

Our party continued waltzing through the courtyard leading to the keep that was the home of our worst enemy. Surprisingly, nothing came after us. Like at all. There weren't even any more guards outside the keep, just a bunch of stupid non-hostile shit like trees and flowers. It was enough to make me think we were in the wrong evil castle.

Our following of the street we were on soon led us to the door into the building proper. It was huge up close, easily forty stories or more. somepony had a lot of time and money on their hooves. I shrugged and tried to push open the door. It was locked. Why would it not be locked when an attack was just carried out on them by an unknown enemy with hugely powerful weaponry? I shrugged and prepared to bust down the door, but Vinyl very rudely interrupted me by saying: "I got this hon." and knocking on the door. I had the utmost respect and love for my wife, but what ditz would think that politely knocking would ever get somepony to risk death and dismemberment by opening the door they had just barred?

Some sounds were heard from behind the door, which promptly opened a moment later. A pony in the silvery armor of the elite guard stood in the doorway and spoke. "What do you want?" He asked flatly. He got his answer when I blew his head off with a 10mm round a second later.

"The fuck dude!" Vinyl screamed as more brain and blood splattered onto her already burgundy coat. Kind of scary considering she had white fur.

"Yeah yeah, I'll lick it off later, right now, we have a job to do." I said dismissively as I walked through the doorway and saw another group of guards.

"C'mon! Do you know what it takes to clean my co... Wait... Really? That sounds... Kinda hot..." Suddenly Vinyl was putting on that 'come hither' face and swaying her hips way more than she needed to. Clearly she was going to hold me to this one... Hmm... yolo? Or was that not applicable? Ah whatever. I decided that she was getting plowed so hard by me if we made it out of here... alive?

"While you figure your shit out, Imma kill these dudes. 'Kay?" Danny said as he walked past me with a way too large sword in one hand and a rotary grenade launcher in the other.

Daniel stood in front of the guards with a sly look on his face. Daring them to try something. One of them foolishly tried to use a spell, but quicker than any of them could follow, he was gone from where he was, instead he was next to the one in the front line on the far left, the sword buried deep in the floor. The guards of the first two rows, six in all, collapsed to the floor, their severed heads rolling around like misshapen oblong marbles. Danny let go of the sword and stood up, looking at the rest of the guards in the hallway, their eyes wide with shock, trembling in fear.

"Run." Daniel said quietly. They ran.

"Got your shit back yet?" Daniel said as he tore his sword out of the ground and looked at me.

"Yep. I think I'm good." I said cheerfully.

"So... No comment on what I just did there? Not even a little surprised that I just destroyed six enemies in one sweep with a sword that's both bigger and heavier than you?" Danny said disappointedly.

"Not really. We've kind of come to expect crazy things from you, so it doesn't really surprise anyone here when you do something weird." I said simply. I then got up and walked down the hallway, patting Danny on the shoulder as I walked past.

"Well fuck." Danny murmured.

"We move on!" I shouted excitedly.

"That sounds awful. Please wait while I advance the story in a more meaningful manner..." Danny began. "Fuckly. That is all." Suddenly we were transported to the roof of the castle keep.

"Now what!?" I screamed

*Dannibal Smith time*

I pull up my minecraft inventory and look through it idly before pulling out my diamond pickaxe and say "I got dis" before beginning to pick at the floor beneath us, making a two by two hole.

"What are you doing?" Kyle asks in a moderately annoyed tone before I just push him into the hole and then jump down myself.

In front of us stands a massive army of thousands of ponies all standing at perfect attention in front of the evil behind us, Bloodmoon. "Kyle, you take the army, I got the boss."

"But-ahh, bu--" Kyle stammers in a confused tone.

"Don't worry dude, RPG logic, the army is always weaker than the boss" I note quickly before disappearing with the boss and leaving Kyle to the army.

*Back to you Kyle*

Having known Daniel for quite some time, I had come to the conclusion that he made no sense. This however, was a different can of worms altogether, he was going to go and fight the one enemy, and leave me to take on a small army. RPG logic be damned, this was a stupid plan. How does one kill massive amounts of enemy at once firstly? Secondly, why did he simply disappear? The mind boggles. So, here I was, stuck in a room with a couple thousand enemies, with only myself, a nigh completely useless Glenn, and my wife, who had a giant sniper rifle. Well, at least I had a giant shotgun. I reached up to grab said shotgun, but instead of the familiar feeling of a wooden grip, I was rewarded with the crackle-crunch and feeling of paper, it was a note, and read thusly:

Dear Kyle:

Stole your shotgun because it asked me to and because I need it for stuff.

Your friend and future eulogist: Daniel.

P.S. Trololol lolol lol

lolol

lol.

*winky face emote*

*smiley face*

*cock and balls*

*finely detailed sketch of Zarbon from DBZ flipping the bird*

'Well' I thought. 'shit.' Now it seemed we were fucked royally and totally in a way and position that anyone of a homosexual or bisexual persuasion would find very arousing. It was about this time that I began to realize how that guy from Ninja Gaiden feels pretty much every time he does something, and let me tell you, it sucked so much.

"So are you gonna kill them all... er what?" I heard the voice of Glenn speak calmly from behind me.

"No Glenn, I am not going to kill them, because I have guns and swords, but there are about a couple thousand of them." I responded patiently.

"Pfft. Big deal, I could...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3ALwKeSEYs

" This sudden exclamation caught me off guard, which means that I pretty much freaked the fuck out.

"What!" I exclaimed.

"I beat the elite four with a motherfucking Magicarp! Suck my dick bitches! Your god commands you!" He screamed as he reached orgasmic pokemon apotheosis in the form of beating the most powerful opponents in Pokemon with the weakest pokemon in the game.

"So you can do something useful now right?" I asked.

"What? Oh right, the baddies. Yeah hang on, I just need you to hold off all of them while I charge my special beam cannon." Glenn said casually.

"That doesn't sound so ha-" Vinyl began.

"For five minutes." Glenn finished.

"Well shit." I said simply.

"Now considering they can beat you both to a bloody pulp in less than ten seconds... Ah I'm sure you'll do fine." Glenn added dismissively.

"right..." I said nervously as I turned to the ordered ranks of armor clad ponies standing flank to flank in imposing formation. As one, they began marching towards us, not seeming to be in any particular hurry, mostly because we were going to die if we stayed where we were, and if we ran away, that accomplished their goal as well. However, they were almost half a mile away due to the sheer size of the chamber, and they were moving rather slowly, as if they were on parade ground. So I sat and waited.... and waited... and waited.

"Kay done." Glen said as he prepared to fire the whatever he was going to use. The ponies still seemed almost a quarter mile away.

"Hang on." I said hurriedly. "I want to see how long it takes them to get here."

"Are these dudes serious? I think I saw a snail running rings around them earlier, but I think he got bored." Vinyl said jokingly.

We waited until they were about ten feet away, then I had Glenn fire his beamy whatever. "You guys might want to duck." He said. Vinyl and I looked at each-other, shrugged, then dived out of the way. "IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZOR!" Glenn shouted loudly. And fire he did. We would later speculate as to whether the explosion could have been seen from space or not, shortly before realizing that it was fucking epic either way, so who gave a fuck. needless to say, the army really did turn out to be easier, so maybe Danny's madness was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Either way, after we crossed the crater that had replaced the entire floor of the chamber, we came to the huge double doors at the end of the room. These doubtlessly led to the chambers of Bloodmoon herself, and where she would be most likely be engaged in mortal combat with Danny.

No more games. It was time to finish this. I racked the slides on my sidearms, Vinyl prepped her rifle, and Glenn played with G.I. Joe do- 'action figures'. We were ready for anything, our friend was likely in mortal peril, and we were going in there to help him, this was the moment of truth, our last huzzah, our crowning achievement. What we did here, the bards would sing of for an age. This was the end of the line, our-

"Oh for fuck's sake just open the goddamn door! You and your fucking melodramatic bullshit drive me crazy! I want to go back to Fluttershy's house, I want to hold bunnies and play with chipmunks, I want to tell Angel to suck it when I go to bed with Fluttershy every night. you roped me into this bullshit, now just go in and see what the fuck Danny is doing. Goddamn you you fucking long winded protestant prick, and if you ever mispronounce deus ex machina again I will crucify you upside down like Peter or whichever one it was that that happened to! So move!" Glenn's whole, 'losing of the shit' thing caught me off gaurd, I was

"OPEN. THE. FUCKING. DOOR."

"Okay!"

I opened the door and was immediately greeted with about what I was expecting to see at first. There was broken furniture, a flaming stone wall, (don't even ask me how) bloodstains, and a general look of mayhem about the place. We stood there, staring in abject awe, looking at the sheer scale of mayhem and havoc wreaked in this small space, clearly a fight worthy of immortalization song was fought here, and we were merely witnesses to the aftermath. Suddenly, a door opened at the far side of the room opened, a savaged and beaten looking Daniel walked laboriously out of it, closely followed by an equally battered Bloodmoon. I immediately raised my guns and began to shout a warning, but Danny simply raised a hand and said "Easy there cowboy." He then motioned to Bloodmoon to go back to the room, before turning back to us.

"You look like hammered shit. What the hell happened to you?" I asked.

"Well hold the fuck up and I'll tell you." He responded. We all stared at him, giving him our complete attention. "It went something like this..." He began.

I teleported past the huge army; which I am guessing Glenn took out with his special beam cannon, and went through the doors into Bloodmoon's private sanctum, fully intending to kill her and end this...

The doors open and I see a flagrantly opulent room filled with all manner of expensive and delicate furniture, I walk past it and return my focus to my quest, this is the boss wave, Kyle has most likely given his life holding off the small army out there while Glenn completes the magicarp challenge, I won't let his death be in vain, I'm going to finish this once and for... I stop my thought processes as I see Bloodmoon coming out of a room clad in nothing but a bath towel on her head, her eyes widen in surprise when she sees me. "Hi" I say with a smile. "Uhh... Hello?" She replies, taken off guard by my upbeat greeting. I ask her why she has been trying to kill us, and she responds by saying that she was trying to get rid of us because we were a threat to her plans. I ask her what she was planning in the first place. She says that at first she just wanted people to enjoy her night, but then she got separated from her body and had to wander the hell of alternate dimensions for another thousand years right after she got out of the other banishment, so then she went batshit crazy because everything hated her and she wanted everyone to feel the pain she felt. So I told her I understood, and that I still cared for her. So then she was like "no you don't" and I was like "yes I do" and so I kissed her and put my tongue in her mouth and-

"Yeah you can skip that part." Kyle said.

Right, so anyway, she blushed so hard she got even redder than she was before, and she's panting and giving me this look. Then all of a sudden she dives on me and bites me on the neck so hard I thought she was going to tear it off, which she promptly did, and I didn't know she was actually trying to kill me so i kissed her again and she looked at me like I was crazy, then she just shrugs and says "you're my little bitch now." And I say "Awesome, let's do this." So she uses her magic to take hot coals out of the fire and puts them on my-

"Skip that too."

Okay... So then she's keeping my hands held in her magic and keeping my face pressed between her rear flanks so hard I can't even breathe and she's using a paring knife to flay the skin off my pe-

"Danny!"

Yeah yeah. Skipping. So, anyway, I'm having the time of my life, and she's already cum like, six times, so she's going nuts, so she takes the ball gag out of my mouth and the needles out of my...

"Danny"

...off my ass...

"Jeezus Danny stop."

...me and puts her mouth around...

"Fucking hell dude shut up."

...then everything after is like that song that goes 'to the window, to the wall, 'till the sweat drips from my balls.

"My God Danny."

So now I'm here.

*Back to Kyle*

"So you..." I began.

"Yes." Danny said.

"Why?" I asked incredulously.

"Because she makes me happy and I find it sexy. Isn't that the same reason you married and had sex with Vinyl?" Danny said confidently.

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked seriously.

"Absolutely. I'm not killing her, and I'm not letting any of you do it either, I'm staying here, and that's the end of it." Daniel said with a tone of finality that I had never heard him use before. It actually made him seem like a serious human being who knew what he wanted.

"Okay." I said simply.

"NO YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY YOU SONOFA... Wut now?" Danny was actually taken aback by my simple acknowledgement. He had probably expected me to do something rash, like shoot everything. As if I was actually like that. Pfft.

"Look, you finally found someone in life that makes you truly happy, I'm not going to take that from you. So good luck Danny, and goodbye." I walked past danny and over to where Vinyl and Bloodmoon had engaged in conversation, I only caught the tail end, but it went like this:

Bloodmoon: So that's all I can tell you about sadism, there'll be some trial and error involved, everypony's different after all.

Vinyl: Well I still have to worry about him bleeding out, blood is kind of the only important thing we need.

Bloodmoon: I'm sure you can work it out. He did get gutted twice in one night. He can't be that fragile.

Vinyl: Yeah I guess you're... He got what!?

Bloodmoon: Yeah, I sort of... stabbed him, then cut him open, then threw a knife at his back...

Vinyl: Oh is that all? Pfft. That's nothing, he got stabbed with like eight swords, then had arrows shot into him.

Bloodmoon: Then I don't think a whip is going to kill him, or cutting.

I cleared my throat to let them know I was there. Vinyl did a wonderful impression of Twilight's jump take and ended up on the ceiling. She looked at me and seemed to get very small before awkwardly asking "What did you hear?" and cringing as she prepared for the answer.

"I heard enough." I said calmly.

"What do you think?" She asked in a voice that sounded absolutely devoid of any hope.

"Tell you what, I could say we'll talk about it, but that means 'I just want to wait until you forget it.' So do what every married woman has done since forever and ask me right after we have sex, there's a 99.9% chance I'll say yes and wake up strapped to a wall with a ball gag in my mouth while you stand there with a whip and a latex suit. Okay honey?"

"Erm... Okay?" She was clearly taken aback by my response.

"Let's go home honey." I said with a smile plastered on my face, trying to forget that I had just sentanced myself to future pain in the name of sexual gratification, but what the hell, I'd probably like it anyway.

"You know, I'm okay with all this, but what do we do about the fact that Celestia sent us to kill Bloodmoon?" Glenn asked. This broke the general happiness as we considered the options.

"She only said to stop Bloodmoon. She isn't going through with any plans for awhile, so I'd think we're good. Right?" Vinyl said. her explanation was simple enough, and reasonable.

"Yeah, but when she said 'stop' she meant 'kill.' you know she's not just going to accept the whole 'we stopped her, no really we promise' thing. She's going to want a head, or equivalent proof of death. You know how this works." Glenn's tone was grim, a sure sign that the situation was actually bad.

Suddenly, a plan came to mind, a delicious plan, an evil plan, a deliciously evil plan. It was so devilishly good, I nearly lost my shit just from thinking about it. "Guys... I have a plan."

......................................................

a few hours later

-------------------------------------------

Bloodmoon's unconscious body weighed heavily on my shoulders as we entered the chamber of the princesses. Daniel, Glenn, and Vinyl flanked me to either side, the girls having gone home, and Silver Boulder having gone to do whatever it was that Luna's night watchponies did at night. Waiting in the throne was Luna, who was obviously in charge of the night court, it being night again.

"WE SEE YE HAVE COMPLETED YOUR TASK. WE THANK YOU FOR THY LOYALTY, AND YE SHALL BE JUSTLY REWARDED FOR THY HEROIC ACTS. FOR NOW THOUGH, PLACETH HER UPON THE GROUND." Luna's ever present royal Canterlot voice would likely lead to hearing loss later in our lives, but for now, we would have to deal with it. I placed Bloodmoon's body on the ground, and Luna's horn glowed with light as she cast her spell, banishing her to the moon, again.

"ON BEHALF OF EQUESTRIA, WE THANK YOU FOR YOUR MERITORIOUS SERVICE. YE ARE DISMISSED." With that, we bowed and showed ourselves out.

As soon as the door shut, Glenn said dumbfoundedly: "I can't believe that worked."

"You have no faith in me, and that hurts." I said, mocking a heartbroken and teary tone.

"Come on, it was so stupidly simple. A child would have thought it up. I thought it was doomed to failure from the start." Glenn continued.

"Well it worked, so SUCK IT!" I said as I flipped him off with both hands.

"Yeah. I guess. I suppose using Chrysalis as a body double was... inspired. Which begs the question... Why do we need one of Danny?" Glenn asked.

"Simple. They'll be keeping a close eye on all of us, and our only way back is most likely either you or Danny himself. The princess will want to make sure we leave, and we have no guarantees of getting back again, so we can't exactly just take Bloodmoon with us when we leave. Plus, Danny doesn't want to go back, and the only way to make sure he doesn't is for him to die, otherwise princess bitch will be hunting him. Ain't that right Danny double?" I said as I turned from Glenn to Danny.

"Yeah pretty much. Ah! careful where you put that knife, I'm trying to maintain a psychic link here. Really?" Danny turned to face me. "Is it okay if i go boneless for awhile? I've got to take care of some pressing business."

"By 'pressing business' I suppose you mean getting maimed right?" I said.

"No... We're only going to do that on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Today is surprise buttsex day. Whoever gets the most surprise buttsex in wins. Oh hang on... Speaking of... *goes silent for a minute* surprise... BUTTSEX!" This last word is screamed at a volume to rival the royal Canterlot voice, in the royal palace in Canterlot. "the best kind of buttsex. I'm totally winning by the way." He finished.

"that would be because she doesn't have a dick Danny." I responded matter-of-factly.

"It's magic bitch I ain't gotta explain shit!" He shouted before suddenly falling limply to the ground.

"So the ceremony for the medals is tomorrow right?" Vinyl asked.

"Yeah, I'd assume so." I said.

"Good. I want this to be over." Vinyl sighed in exasperation.

"Join the club." Glenn replied.