"I may have, well, destroyed the body." I said nervously.

"What?" Celestia said angrily.

"Hey it's not my fault she used a cannon. I just wanted to keep her from killing me is all." I complained.

*sigh* "Is there anything left of the body? Is there even evidence? This whole thing was for nothing if we're right back at square one." Celestia said.

"Well, I have a name, ID, and a bad attitude, so don't you worry, I'll take care of this." I said as I picked up my guns, I looked over at that stupid bitch's cannon. Should I take it? Absolutely. I grabbed the titanic weapon and looked for some way to reload it. I finally found a lever after a few seconds of fumbling, and pulled it. Apparently it was a break open shotgun, sweet. I looked back to the mutilated body of my former enemy, I was going to have to search the body. This was going to get really fucked up. It took a moment of groping over the corpse before I found what I was looking for, a bag filled with huge shotgun shells. I could give someone a really bad day with a gun like this.

"damn right you could." A deep masculine voice murmured into my skull.

"Who the fuck is this?" I said shouted angrily. The fuck was next? Telepathic marketers? Was I going to hear about how I should buy a new DVR while I was in the shower? Fuck all this shit.

"I am Hermes. I watched you fight that fool Lucypher, most impressive. I was most pleased when you killed her, and with me no less. Such hubris. It was glorious! But anyway, on to the point. I am a weapon, or rather inside one, I am a predator, it is my goal to kill. You appear able and willing to do so, and you are far more... devoted than my former wielder. My point is, perhaps, you and I could help each other. If you will kill, then I will lend you my aid. Lucypher was an adept fighter, but she could never use my full power, I will lend my magic to you, if you promise to kill." A demon possessed weapon? Now I've seen everything. This could only get better if I used it. Well, no not really. But since when has that stopped me?

"Sure. I'll kill stuff with you. I might as well, seeing as how I don't seem to be able to avoid scrapping like a dog." I said in resignation. Not like I could turn this down. Well, I could, but I wasn't going to.

"Good. Now go, I sense there are yet more enemies. Reload me, let me fight, Set me free!" This thing was vicious. I might just give it to Danny after all. He was a fan of shotguns, I'm sure a demon possessed shotgun would be something he'd love to open on Christmas. Then again, it was a seventy pound gun that fired cannon shells. Of course, crazy shit had never stopped him before, apparently he went into his subconscious and fired a nuke gun, and that was why he got about a foot and a half shorter.

"Move it! I demand blood!" Hermes shouted angrily into my skull. Well, bring that shit on.

"Where are they then?" I whispered.

"They are waiting outside, one of them is strong, kill all of them, I shall assist."

"Alright then." I said as I walked towards the double doors.

Do you have a plan?" Hermes asked disinterestedly.

"Yeah. I am going to open the door, fire two barrels at the clump of meat waiting in front of it, use your weight to smash the skulls of the two waiting on either side, use the one on the left as a meatshield, and fire the two remaining barrels into the squad waiting off to the side." I said simply.

"I like your style. Let's do it! They will know the fury of Hermes the hellcannon!" It shouted viciously.

I walked up to the door and looked it over. Mahogany with gold edging. What a well appointed hotel I just wrecked, Blueblood was gonna be pissed, and so was my boss. Well, I didn't give a shit, these doors were going down. I got ready, tensed my muscles, and grabbed the handle, pulling the door open to reveal even more of those stupid fucking ponies with swords. God as my witness, when I found that bitch Bloodmoon, she was going to die. For now though, these guys were gonna eat whatever this thing was spitting. I fired off two barrels from the hip, lightning arced between the pellets that were fired, cutting apart the firing line of ponies, the sound of thunder followed a few milliseconds behind. Awesome. I swung the weapon around in one hand and slammed the pony to my right into the wall, the one on the left took it in the face a moment later. Another group of ponies charged me en masse, I pulled the hammers and fired the remaining two barrels, scalding dragonfire incinerated the entire lot of. In the end, they died as they lived, en masse. Danny was going to have to try this one. A demon possessed shotgun that fired magic? Hells the fuck to absolutely shit surely balls to the wall YES!

"Gonna be sweepin' this shit with a broom by the time we're through!" I yelled gleefully. I was enjoying this way too much. It was probably due to the blood drinking, constant slaughter, vampirism, and possessed bloodthirsty weapon.

"Stay alert. Something else is coming, something much more fun." Hermes said with disturbed happiness.

"How many did they send to this hotel? I swear there's army attacking this place."

"No, not an army. This was simply a group united in a common purpose. Celestia has ruled too long. She grew weak, complacent, she will be replaced. You, you stand with her, and so you must be stopped. Don't you see? These ponies died for a better future, they had families, and you killed them, simply because they shared a view that clashed with yours. Congratulations, you callous psychopath." What was that? The stench of blatant hypocrisy? It could only mean one thing... REPUBLICANS! Oh wait, no, it was just a stupid chick trying to give me the guilt trip.

"Aren't you a republican?" Danny asked through my brain. This was getting pretty damned confusing.

"No Danny. I am an anarchist, because I recognize God as my only true ruler. Because being christian should free you up to insult all politicians equally." I said calmly.

"Homicidal vampire anarchist christians? Now I've heard everything."

"Homicidal? Fuck that! I kill everything! I'm a fuckmothering asshole of an omnicidal maniac! Also.Fuckass pussyshit bitchycunt demon cocks severed with a dull paring knife and stuffed in a blender set to 'fuck ass in the cunt' while jacking off to Jerry Springer and reading Psalm 93 in Kannada and using a potsherd to scrape your skin off as your wife has unrestrained shameless sex with a lava lamp. Also, beating off to any part of the Twilight saga. Now you've heard everything." I said monotonously.

"That is by far the third most disturbing thing I've ever heard." Danny said matter-of-factly

"That's how you know you've heard everything." I said simply.

"Ahem. I am trying to talk to you here." Said the little unicorn lady from earlier.

"And I am trying to have a conversation with my friend. So you can wait your effing turn!" I said angrily.

"Well now she done went and killed the mood. So I guess you're just gonna go keep fighting, so see ya." Danny said.

"Oh wait! I almost forgot to tell you dude!" I said excitedly.

"What?"

"I got a new shotgun, and it has a barrel diameter of 28mm, and it has four barrels, and it's magicl thanks to the thing possessing it! You have got to fucking fire this thing! Just one barrel and your arm would probably break form the recoil, but it's so worth it dude!" I was giddy like a schoolboy who was about to get his first poon. This shit was just class A awesome with a capital AWESOME!

"Much as I would love to break my arm on a giant shotgun, I have to get back to the party. I got those pony strippers for a reason you know, and all these shots of gin and grams of blow ain't gonna do themselves." Danny said disinterestedly.

"Since when did you do drugs? I thought you hated them because they fucked your brain?"

"I don't, and they do, but it's hilarious to watch these ponies get so stoned they start proposing to the statues in the garden and getting lost in the maze after one turn."

"Where are you dude?"

"I managed to get this really nice place just outside the city proper, I think it was called the playbunny mansion or something, there were all these mares there already, so I figured I might as well invite some guys so we had sausage to go with all the clams. Anyway, somepony made an offhand mention about a party, and suddenly there was a rave and shit going on. Sometime after eight o'clock Pinkie figured we needed party favors, and the only thing they had in the area was blow, so now everyone got like 8 grams. So now, half the people are so headfucked they think the punchbowl has the latest fashion. One dude is so high he's curled up in the fetal position because he thinks one of the vases is trying to eat him, another guy is playing tag with an ottoman, some chick is playing peek-a-boo with the sink, and I think that guy over there is playing hide and go seek with a box of walnuts. This is easily the most entertaining thing I have ever seen, I'll be sure to take pictures. Anyway, I better get out of here, some dude's trying to have sex with the lawn flamingo. Wait a second. HOLY SHIT THAT'S A REAL FLAMINGO. HEY ASSHOLE! TAKE THAT SHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE!" And then Danny was gone. He left me in tears, from laughing so damned hard! How much funnier could that have been?

"Oh dude! I almost forgot! I got some pictures that party a few days ago. You know, the one where we forgot everything that happened? Anyway, it must have been wild, because I have a video of you dancing to what sounds like the BeeGee's. I didn't even know you could dance. Holy Shit! This is rad! Ohohoho. Guess who just found a new wallpaper for his Android! Oh fuck. Hang on, we'll have to talk later. One of the ponies outside is trying to seduce a lawn gnome, and I think Twilight is trying to teach a kitchen knife how to read Latin." And like that, he was gone again.

"Okay. Now I can talk to you. What did you have to say exactly?" I said patiently as I looked towards the little unicorn mare.

"I was saying, that there's a price on your head, I intend to be the one who collects it, but don't worry, I don't like blood money, so I'll just end up giving it to charity. You can take solace in that." She said confidently. What a blowhard bitch.

"So, let me get this straight. You're here to kill me." I said.

"Yes."

"After you already bitched about how I was killing ponies."

"Uhh. Yeah."

"When I only killed them because they were trying to kill me. Is that about right?"

"Yes."Okay, now that was bullshit. This bitch was gonna take it in the face. My giant bullets that is.

"Before we get started with the killing. Perhaps you would like to meet the members of my personal entourage? I know they're just dying to meet you." The mare who shall hereafter be referred to as 'the bitch' said in a tone that reeked of eerie menace and disturbed joy. Not a second after she said this, 5 giant ponies clad in what looked like 3 inches of armor plate came stomping around a corner into my field of view.

"These are 5 of the personal guards of Queen Bloodmoon. Now, Tremble before their infinite might! You will die here, one way or another." the bitch said dramatically. Apparently, everyone just loved that little flare and flourish.

"How many goddamned ponies did you send?" I asked, startled that they still had more fucking enemies.

"We will send as many as we must to kill you, you will die by our hand, one way or another." She said threateningly.

At that moment, I suddenly felt very angry, angry at Bloodmoon, angry at this bitch, angry at Danny, angry at every fucking thing ever. And all this anger was very soon let out, in the form of the most inventive tirade I have ever created. Ever.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
FUCK
FUCK
FUUCK
FFUUUCK
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
AND YOUR
GOD
DAMNED
BULLSHIT
AND MOST OF ALL
FUCK
YOUR
STUPID
CUNT
BITCH
WHORE
SLUT
FUCKWIT
OF A
FUCKING
QUEEN
FFFUUUUUUUUUUCCKK YYYOOOOOUUUUUU" I finished my angry tirade, and stood there for a moment, doing nothing but deep breathing exercises, trying not to be too ridiculously angry before a fight, had to set a good example for the kids after all. Heheheheheheheh, well, look at that, not angry anymore. Nothing was going to ruin this little moment for me.

*thunk*

Except crossbow bolts in the chest, that might fuck my night just a bit. All this shit was going to ruin my outfit, well, too late, but still.

"Gee thanks. I really needed more blood on this outfit, I am currently wearing a burgundy coat, it was white when I put it on about ten minutes ago." I wasn't angry with with the person who did it, so much as I was with myself for not expecting things like this to happen, cause when you can't die, you become a lodestone for mind-numbingly horrible injuries, like grand pianos to the skull.

"You- He- I- How are you not dying?" The bitch stuttered in absolutely hilarious surprise.

"Well, it's a really long and heart wrenching story, if I were to tell you, it would probably take up at least an entire slot of a TV show length program, maybe even more, so anyway, it all started when..." I would have continued, about three seconds more before killing all of them, but I was quite rudely interrupted by something unexpected.

"Why does this seem familiar to me?" A monotone Marcelesque voice diatribed from behind me.

"You know what you can do Sasuke? You can go fuck yourself. You're entire existence is only so that Naruto can appeal to a gay audience with his creepy lovey obsession with you. He did share his first kiss with you after all, so I guess it is warranted." I was not happy, again. Every time things get less crazy, they get crazier,all this crap was gonna get to me one day, then I was going to go on a shooting spree and start blasting anything that moved, and eat it after I killed it... Ffffffffffffffuuuu. Whatever. I turned around face the newest addition to our list of cameos, only to be greeted with another arrow in the back, well, fuck that for now. My real worry was that I was staring at the Shippuden version of Sasuke, which meat he could summon giant snake monsters and stab people with unblockable swords. Oops.

"You should probably get those wounds looked at." Sasuke said in his usual tone of complete indifference.

"Nah. I'll be all good a minute or two. You might want to go back to your own place though. Danny hates your entire world, your existence is a blight to him. Tall words considering he's watched foolycooly like a dozen times, but still, he would probably wreck you like a hurricane. Friendly tip you know." I said cordially.

*thunk* That little cunt.

I turned around and yelled in the loudest, most pissed-the-fuck-off voice I could muster.

"TELL THAT FUCK IF HE OR SHE SHOOTS ONE MORE FUCKING ARROW AT ME I WILL USE IT TO EITHER GOUGE OUT HER OVARIES OR CUT OFF HIS BALLS, THEN I WILL FRY THEM THE FUCK UP AND FEED THEM TO DANNY AS A PRANK, AND ALL THE WHILE I WILL BE LAUGHING IN SADISTIC GLEE AS YOU SCREAM IN MIND-JARRINGLY HORRIBLE PAIN! YOU SHITEATING FUCTARD!" Stupid bitches and their bullshit. They just never knew when to stop.

*thunk* FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF UUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHH *sigh* alright. It's fine. Whatever. It's all whatever. He was on the roof just up there, but I wasn't going to go over there and horribly mutilate him, (he was indeed a dude) I was going to have a nice, cordial conversation, and we were all going to leave scot-free, we were all just gonna talk it over, and maybe grab a cup of coffee, and then we would just go our separate ways, maybe they would get all get significant others, and then we might chance a meeting later, and have a good laugh about this moment. I could hear it now. "Hey, remember when I shot you in the chest with that crossbow?" He would say, and I would put my arm around my wife, have a little laugh, and reply. "Oh yeah! I remember that! Good times, good times. You've certainly come a long way, what with your significant other you have there. Congratulations." and then he would say "Thanks! I actually proposed just a few days ago, so we're going to be getting married this summer." And I would congratulate them both, and wish them happiness, pay the bill for the food, and leave, then go have a good time and continue enjoying life. The end.

*thunk*

"...." I said nothing, no words needed to be said. Even Hermes had the good sense to say absolutely nothing. I just shook my head slowly, reloaded Hermes, cocked a hammer, pointed the gun at Sasuke, and pulled the trigger. What sounded like a thousand tortured screams raised in a symphony of pain exploded from my gun, along with a gout of black hellfire. The bitter irony. My face remained stoic as I pulled another hammer back, the rest of them freaked out just a little at my sudden destruction of another human being, but fuck them anyway.

*thunk*

That archer as going to buy it next, but first, I had to get closer, not because I thought the gun wouldn't hit him, I just wanted to make sure he shat himself at my presence before he exploded. He was on a roof, across an alley, with the stupid bitch and her cohort in between. Luckily, there was a wall to the side of me, the hotel facade, time for some Devil May Cry wall running. I sprinted as hard as I could for the side of the wall, jumping up at the last second, strange, it was actually working, a little too well in fact. I stopped running, and stuck to the wall. What the fuck? Fuck this Spider-Man bullshit. Whatever. I rolled my eyes and ran across the side of the wall, jumping clear over the alley and landing on the other roof. The little bitch of an archer was trembling, like a little leafy bitch. What to do with him? He had a red coat, it might make a good scarf, or maybe I could make a hat. Be like the Daniel Boone of vampires, go explore shit, find new lands, along with my trusty sidekick Daring Do. That would be shit though, and cliche, like every other goddamn thing going on right now. Return of Nightmare Moon? What a motherfucking surprise! That's only been done, What? A thousand fucking times? The wet dreams of a die hard kiddie cartoon fan come true? How fucking original! Some evil vampire guy likes to blow living things apart and eat them? Never been done in a goddamn ever! How about a shitload of random-ass characters ending up here for absolutely no legitimate reason? How existentially different! Might as well face facts, my life is a shit joke, and nobody laughs in the end. Still... A little pony shaking and pissing himself because he knows he pissed you off and you are going to destroy him makes for a pretty nice high. 'So since I was here...' I thought as I raised Hermes and pointed it towards the weeping figure in the corner, 'might as well have fun with it.' I finished as I pulled the trigger. A sound of howling wolves rose from the weapon as metal teeth shredded the archer's body like meat in an immersion blender. I could have sucked that shit through a straw, and I would have fucking enjoyed it too, but I had work left, still a few living things in this crazy city.

I hopped down to ground level, where that bitch and her guards were busy trying not to shit themselves. They looked about ready fall down and die right now, assholes.

*El Kablam!* That is the sound a giant cannon makes when it fires outside. It is also the the sound a guitar makes when it shatters against someone's head, but that's a different cartoon entirely. Needless to say, (yet said anyway) one of the metal bound soldiers-for-rent exploded like a confetti balloon.

*Le absolutely unnecessary and totally unexpected but somehow appropriate Pinkie gasp* "I love confetti! Where's the confetti? Can I see it? Pleeeeeeeaaaaaseee? Show me where da party at! Where da white chicks? How 'bout some ho's up in here! Raise the muthabuckin' roof!" Pinkie shouted in a horrible white person's impression of a black guy. What had happened to this chick? Had Danny driven her nuts? Or did she just watch her language on camera? Oh shit. Now I thought she could somehow tell when... Well, that actually made more sense than evolution, and the state of North Dakota, but that was unrelated.

"This is so cool! We have got to do this more often!" Vinyl yelled from across the way. I took my glasses off and looked again. There she was, standing there, smoking cannon in magical aura, lightning blue hair flowing in the wind, and right next to her, Silver Boulder, just to ruin the mood with his floorstruck jaw. He should probably pick that shit off the ground before it got old.

"Who the buck is this slut?" Miss bitchy sounded her face horn yet again. Wait a second. Did this little self-righteous cunt just call my wife a bitch? Ohoho NO. Dead does not begin to describe what this chick was about to be.

"What did you just call me?" Vinyl snarled angrily.

"You heard me." Bitch said with her little diva attitude.

"To answer your question bitch. She is my wife." I said from behind her.

"Really? you married her? You aren't even a pony. You're a thing. A monster. So how about this, you come with us, and your wife lives." Bitch said like a snoot.

"Can you even do shit for dick besides threats and shit? It doesn't seem to help you at all. I mean, I blew through your friends in the hotel and out pretty fast, and my wife just owned one of your guards like he didn't exist. I think you're nothing but a stupid comedy act. A washed up piece of shit with delusions of grandeur, a blowhard with no trick up your sleeve, playing at being a trump card." I said in a low tone that bespoke my malice.

"You want to see what I can do? Alright then! I'll show you! Then you'll see why they call me Trixter!" Apparently she was known as trickster. No she was not Trixie. I could tell by the voice, she was way more of a bitch than Trixie ever was. Anyway, we were apparently going to get a show now, so I guess we should see what's going on. Wait, did she say Trixter with an X? That's a damn band name! She can't just teal the name of an awesome band because she has a trick or two up her... whatever.

The bitch's horn glowed a bright pink, and suddenly, we were in a house of mirrors. Oh, how fucking clever, she was going to reflect herself perfectly so we wouldn't know what was who and who was what.

"Welcome! Welcome to Red's house of mirrors! Please! Enjoy everything my carnival has to offer!" Her disembodied voice rang through the halls like any true creepy villain's voice should. Ahh, enemies. Maybe this cat was okay after all.

"Behind you." She whispered in my ear. I shoved an elbow up, intending to crush her skull like a grape, but only a mirror greeted my arm. It shattered at my hammer blow, and I felt myself being pulled away, off to wherever else. I was now whirling around on a wheel, spreadeagled to the rotating circle. Trickster, or Red, or whatever she was was about twenty feet away, throwing a knife in the air with her magic and catching it.

"Don't freak out or anything, but I haven't done this in a while, so I might be a little rusty." she she said happily.

"Ah don't worry about it. I'm sure you'll do fine." I said. Not like I was going to be taunted by some retard with a couple knives and a hat trick.

"Okay, here we go." She said as she wound up for the throw. Suddenly she threw the knife at me, missing my chest by a couple inches.

"Alright, looks like I still got my stuff! That was just a practice throw though, here comes the blindfold!" She shouted jovially. Ah yes, a blindfold, she was really on with this carnival thing.

Red put on a blindfold and levitated another knife. Without warning, she threw it straight at me, this one missed my head by about an inch.

"Little to the left dear." I said quickly. If she was going to have fun with this, so was I.

"Thanks love." She replied saucily. Like that one? Saucily. It's fun just to say it. Saucily. Anyway, she readied yet another knife, and hurled that one too. This one hit the space between my legs, just short of the care package.

"Buck, gonna have to be a little higher next time." She said as she pulled up the blindfold to look.

"Hey! No peeking! That's like, the most important rule! Peeking makes it less fun." I scolded.

"Why do I feel like you enjoy this more than I do?" She asked as she pulled the blindfold back down and threw another knife. This one hit me in the hand. How she so completely missed the center of the target the world would never know.

"You know you aren't very good at this." I said matter-of-factly.

"Well, maybe magic tricks will be better." She said. And suddenly, we were in front of an audience of ponies on a stage. everything but my head and feet were in a box. Red was now dressed in a magician outfit, and holding aloft a hacksaw. Yeah, like I didn't know where this was going.

"And for my next trick, I will-"

"Saw me in half? I got it, I have seen plenty of carnival shit. Nobody cares if you saw me in half, least of all me. So whatever, I don't give a flying spaghetti monster." I wasn't angry, or annoyed, or anything really. I was experiencing boredom for the first tie since coming here. This was cliche mindfucking, and I did not care for it.

"Well, since you're so tired of the same old, perhaps you'd like something a little more entertaining. So how about this one?" She grinned evilly and I was transported to a new place. Now I had a bullwhip and a chair. Oh for cripes sake, where was the lion?

*growl*

I looked over towards the source of that giant meow to see something I should have expected, but for some reason did not. Yep, no lion tamers up in here, we had manticore trainers for the muthafuckin' win!

"You might want to start with that bullwhip." She said with a touch of humor. This, this was fucking new. If only Danny were here to try this one. Ah hell, bring the whole family! This was the shit I could deal with. I cracked the bullwhip in the manticore's face, drawing blood from its snout. The thing simply growled in response, so I shattered the chair over its head. Bitch was much easier to deal with after that. Gave it a concussion, then strangled it. That's right! I strangled a muthafuckin' manticore! Fuck your life you bitch!

"Did you really just kill that thing?" Red asked incredulously.

"Yep. Watch I'll do it to you too." I said as I moved towards where she was in the stands.

"On to the next one shall we?" Red said with a nervous smile. And suddenly, I was in a tube. The fuck is this? Are we really out of things to do already?

"And now! The human cannonball!" Ho yeah, here we go. What now? Beds of spikes? Pools of acid? Giant man-eating beasts? The blood was pumping to my loins just thinking about it... I may have a problem. My thought were quite rudely interrupted when I was thrown out of the cannon at high velocity. And directly towards a giant pool of some liquid. Acid it was then. I landed straight in the middle of the pool, hitting the bottom and staying there. Funny, I was used to floating on water, but I guess losing fat and gaining muscle does that, whatever, she was just out of ideas now. Strangely, I didn't get a burning in my lungs, even after staying under for almost a minute. I guess not needing to breathe does that. I could be the coolest lifeguard ever with skills like this. I was like a super hero and shit, only I killed things, so fuck. Eventually, I figured I might as well go back up, so after taking the arrows out of my body, I swam back up. The moment I broke the surface, I got an earful of that chick's bitching. Awesome. Just fucking awesome.

"How is this? Monsters can't swim!" She said in frightened alarm.

"Shut up and hop in numbnuts." I said as I grabbed her foreleg and tugged her in.

"Ah!" Was all she had time to say befor I pulled her into the water. I expected her to just float back up a second later, but she didn't surface. Strange, they usually surface coughing and spluttering a second later and get sort of angry and splash you. This is usually followed by a bout of passionate lovemaking, but circumstances considered, there was no way in hell that was happening. After about twenty seconds, I figured she might be fucking around, so I dived under to see what was up. Well, there she was, on the bottom, lying down, not moving. Well, that was unexpected. I rolled my eyes and grabbed her off the bottom of the pool, bringing her back up and throwing her out and on to the ground. All eight feet down to the ground... fuck.

I checked her pulse, fine, breathing, no cigar. She was a fucking horse! Don't they have like huge lungs or something? It was like 30 seconds! Oh fuck. Well, better start CPR. Now, How to do CPR on a pony. Hmm. It felt like I was sort of breaking some ground here, I don't think they train for mouth to muzzle in med school. Maybe a vet would be able to it. Too bad I didn't know any fucking Vets in this shit of a place! Okay fuck it, just go with your gut. I went with my gut, and gave CPR to a goddamn pony, after about three minutes, she finally came to, coughing and spluttering while gagging water out of her lungs.

"Whew! You gave me a damn heart attack you crazy bitch! Why didn't you tell me you couldn't swim?" I said scoldingly.

"You *cough* did you just save my life?" She asked incredulously.

"Yeah." I replied.

"Why?"

"No idea. Probably the same reason I kill, because I can." I said.

"You are not right in the head are you." She monotoned.

"Nah. If I was, you'd be dead, but you aren't, and I am. So you're welcome." I said in annoyance.

"So the evil psychopath has a heart of gold after all." She muttered humorously.

"Yeah yeah. Just hurry up and get this shit over with, I was supposed to go partying with my wife, before your guys jumped us that is." I said as I looked accusatively at her.

"Actually, I'm about out of ideas now, and considering the circumstances, I guess it would be better if we just left." She sighed.

"Well you're no fun." I said playfully.

"Funny how quickly you go through moods." She observed.

"Yeah. Funny that ain't it? Ain't I the bipolarist guy you ever met?" I said sarcastically.

"Hmm. Nah. There was this one pony in elementary school, craziest bitch ever." She said after thinking for a moment.

"Well. Shit. Anyway, I think I'm about done with this crap. So how about we just get out of this place?" I said impatiently.

"Yeah sure. Let's go." She said. And suddenly, we were back in real time, and nothing had changed. Well, except my opinion of the gir,l er mare, chick thing, whatever.

"So. What now?" I asked.

"I don't know. I guess we all just go home and forget this ever happened." Red said simply. Well, that went okay.

"I should have known we couldn't trust a merc! Kill 'em all!" One of the armored guards yelled as he reared up to crush Red under a few hundred pounds of armor and muscle. 'Should have figured. Should have goddamned figured.' I thought as I drew my Jackal and and pounded tungsten downrange onto the honor guard of the dark queen. they may have had thick steel as armor, but that wasn't going to save them from 13mm tungsten rounds hitting them in the skull. I killed all of the remaining guards in one clip, I was getting better at this shooting thing. Fuck yes. When all was said and done, Red was still standing, and everything with armor was dead as shit.

"You missed one." Vinyl droned.

"No I didn't." I replied.

"What about the girl?" Vinyl replied.

"What about the girl." I replied sarcastically.

"You just can't turn a mare down can you?" Vinyl said disappointedly.

"Oh get over yourself." Red scolded.

"Oh go suck a-"

"Girls girls, you're both fuckin' pretty now quit it! Vinyl? Calm your tits. Red? You're going to sleep for a while, go home when you wake up." I said angrily.

"How am I going to sle-" I laid her out with a punch in the head, making sure I didn't break her skull with my fist. Then I wordlessly picked up the duffel bag with our stuff in it and started walking. Silver and Vinyl followed closely behind. This night was just starting, and I had already had close encounters of the equine, ethereal, and avian kind. 'This was only going to get better.' I thought as I pulled another arrow out of my back. Fuck that little archer bitch, wish I could go back and drink him like a smoothie.