Don't Look Inside

by Elu

First published 3rd of May, 2017

A young man committed suicide. What drove him to such an end? What inner thoughts and memories made him end his life? Most importantly, he was somehow painfully transformed into a pony and sent to Equestria. Will he find peace or madness?

On a regular summer night, a young man decided to end his life. Bringing a gun to the lake in the middle of the forest, he sealed his fate himself. There was nothing and nobody to stop him from committing suicide, an act he carried out swiftly and without hesitation.

Did he die? On the Earth, most certainly. However, he underwent a painful transformation into a pony and was thrown into an unfamiliar, different world he couldn't have possibly known anything about.

But no matter what happens to his physical part, the inside, the mind is what matters the most. It stays with him.

Don't look there, for you might find the deepest and the darkest thoughts and memories that are better left buried.

---

The new cover art done by JamesA.
Additional tags: Drama.

All sex scenes will be marked with *** at the beginning and end, making them skippable. I'd recommend not skipping them because of their relevance to the story and feels of characters.

SPOILERS IN THE COMMENTS!

This is by no means a simple story about a sad human quickly gaining love and appreciation from ponies and easily fighting his inner demons and then having a perfectly normal life. Such battles are not easily fought, and even less easily won.

The story is dark, depressing and unnerving. It is advised that if you are under the effects of depression or similar mental issue, you should visit a professional doctor and ask for help. If you don't trust them enough, go to a friend or a family member. Or even better, share you thoughts with a loved one.

And remember, your life is always in your own hands.

This is a much darker take on the human-turned-pony stories than what I've written before. Tread carefully and don't be afraid to stop reading if you're not feeling well.

On a more positive note, join the Discord to discuss the story and get to know other people who like my stories!

Support me on Patreon if you'd like!

Prologue: Arrival

Author's Notes:

Now, before we start, I must mention that this story wasn't conceived under the feelings presented in the character. Therefore, it is not pity and attention gain done by me through the use of a character. Believe it or not, only a small part of him was based on my own depressive experience, and it happened way back when I was much different than what and who I am today.

You might find this chapter to be a bit underwhelming for the description of the story. But nothing is revealed at the beginning. Struggle is a struggle because it is long and sometimes frustrating to the point when you just want to lie down and never get up.

I'm not one for boasting, but people praised me for being able to create real, living characters. And this story is certainly not about an emo teenagers who is "omg, I'm so sad, I killed myself. Oh, I'm so sad, please love me. I was bullied, my parents were bad, my gf dumped me. Oh, I'm so tragic." I hate such stories myself. It doesn't take much to write them.

I will try to do everything realistic. You don't have to trust me, of course, but I humbly ask you to give me a benefit of the doubt. I will not disappoint.

Please, forgive me for the mistakes I might've made in the chapter. English isn't my first language, and my editor is currently occupied with other stories of mine.

Also, before leaving the story with a thumb down if you find it not to your liking, please, write a comment explaining what you didn't like in it. It will help me become a better writer.

It was a regular summer night in July. The stars shone through the dark-blue sky as the pale moon brought its light upon the earth, reflecting the light of the sun. Nighttime animals roamed a certain forest away from civilization. Save for the occasional rustle of grass and leaves, everything was silent.

From some bushes, a young man emerged, completely nude, carrying but a small paper bag with something relatively heavy in it. The man didn't look well: he was slumping, bags under his eyes, his short hair unkempt and rough. His feet were sore and ached from the extensive walk through the forest without any protection from sharp pebbles or occasional twigs.

The man was of thin build, looking slightly malnourished. His white skin was rather pale, his dark-brown hair featured a couple of gray hairs, his face was unshaved, bearing a short stub. His dark-brown eyes were looking at the ground as he stumbled through another bush, pushing the branches away with his free hand. There were a few cuts on his body here and there but nothing major. Though, his body bore some scars: a recent scar, straight, widening towards the middle, was on the back of his left forearm. Another scar, this time pretty old, could be seen: a small straight one on the bridge of his nose, slightly to the left, almost coming to his left eye. There was a small scar on the outer side of his right hand: straight one, about a centimeter long, with barely noticeable jagged edges.

Soon, the young man came to a small lake. A pond, actually. He walked to it and sat on the bank, putting his tired feet into the cold water. He shivered from the sensation and allowed himself to relax, listening to the wildlife around him.

After a few minutes of sitting still and gazing at the stars through the canopy of the trees, the young man stood up. He headed towards a big rock off to the side of the lake. He climbed at it with ease and stood up. He looked at the lake. Its still surface reflected the trees and the night sky, making it seem like it was a mirror.

The human exhaled. He took an item out of the paper bag and threw the bag away. There was a gun in his hand. A simple and small revolver, a kind of gun that is very durable and hard to break.

There was one bullet loaded into the cylinder of the revolver.

The young man let out a shaky sigh as he looked at the pistol. He cocked the hammer. The cylinder rotated, the bullet disappeared from sight, aligning with the barrel of the gun.

The man pondered for some time, final thoughts going through his head, and then turned his back to the lake. He brought the gun closer to his chest and pressed the muzzle against his bare skin. The coolness of metal against it did little to calm him. Instead, his hand began to shake as a sticky sense of inevitable end gripped him tightly.

He subdued his fear. His hand shook less as he took full control of his actions. He pressed the trigger.

A loud shot sounded, quickly muffled by the trees. The wildlife ran away from the source of the sound, scared.

Young man's body fell into the water under the rock. His hand relaxed, letting go of the revolver, which quickly sunk into the depths of the lake. The body floated on the surface, slowly engulfed by the waters. The glassy, lifeless eyes of the human seemed to be fixed on the bright and full moon that reigned on that night.

His expression was calm and collected, forever etched into his face. However, his dead eyes betrayed his fear, forever still after his demise.

Soon, the waters closed above him as he sunk to the bottom of the lake, leaving a bloodstain on the surface. It disappeared in a few minutes, leaving no trace of what had happened in the usually quiet forest.

The young man saw nothing. It was complete and utter darkness. No view, no sound, no feel.

Nothing.

His mind raced. Was it the afterlife? Was it limbo?

He waited.

There was still nothing.

He began to think, but his thoughts were interrupted by sharp pain.

Pain.

He wanted to scream as he felt his whole body being broken, stretched, shattered, maimed, sawed, and then put together, molten, nailed, pressed. It hurt like his insides were filled with razor-sharp pieces of paper. Each centimeter of his skin burned like hell, thousand sharp rusty needles etched into it, stretching it, filling it with a substance he didn't know nor wanted to know the name of.

He had no mouth, and he had to scream.

The pain continued, not subsiding even a little.

His hands elongated, the first phalanxes outstretching and thickening, his nails growing in size, biting into the soft and sensitive skin underneath them.

His skull was squeezed by an unseen force, and then his nose and mouth were forcibly stretched and hammered to become more square. His eye-sockets were being stretched by invisible hooks. The earholes in his skull were being widened.

Then, his spine begun to change. It was pulled by both ends, elongating. One of the ends was melted, and then turned into a thin cone-shaped appendage.

He tried to shout, cry, yell, but couldn't. The pain was unbearable, far beyond excruciating, and yet he could do nothing.

He prayed for the end to come. And it would, in time.

But would it be final?

The man opened his eyes, inhaling sharply. The pain subsided, only dull aching remained. He coughed twice. He tried to stand up, but his lungs gave into the third, more violent cough. The man wheezed, falling back onto the bouncy surface he found himself on. He closed his eyes due to the sun shining brightly into them. He lied like that for some time, gathering strength.

He blinked. There was something between his eyes, something much bigger than his nose once was.

Another blink. The man raised his hand to touch his nose. However, he noticed that his hand became a stump. He looked at it with horror in his eyes. He rotated it to see it from different angles. Still a stump. Then, a realization came to him — it was a hoof.

He quickly raised his other hand and looked at it. A hoof. He gasped, letting out a tiny sound, almost like a muffled, forced back scream.

He breathed in and out. His pace increased, and soon he was breathing hard and heavy. His eyes darted between his two appendages. His brain registered that they were bluish in color and had fur. The hoof itself was gray with a small hint of dark-blue.

He let out a desperate cry, wishing nothing more than to wake up. Tears streamed down his face as he sobbed loudly, not believing what was happening to him.

Instead of death, he found himself in the body of an animal. Or so he thought at the time, at least. He suspected that it was reincarnation. Some people, especially believers in mystical forces, saw reincarnation as what would happen to humans after life. However, this young man thought it to be too unbelievable, and yet found himself in this situation.

Cautiously, he rolled onto his belly. He looked around. He was in the middle of a lake, floating on a large red leaf. The sky above him was clear and the sun shone brightly onto the still waters. Far away from his position, sandy banks could be seen.

He hyperventilated as he found it unable to control his body. He highly doubted he could swim, let alone walk or even stand. He was completely helpless.

As if on command, the leaf started moving towards the nearest bank, increasing speed with each moment. Young man's eyes darted around as he desperately tried to cling to the leaf but couldn't do it because he no longer had fingers to grip it. His eyes were wide, looking at the scenery that went past him.

The water became less and less dark, and soon the leaf was washed onto the bank. The young man sighed shakily, and then tried to stand up. Subconsciously realizing he couldn't do it using two legs, he used all his new four legs to stand. He placed them underneath himself, and then slowly lifted himself up. His legs wobbled weakly as he found little strength to hold himself using his new appendages. Not to mention that he felt like he was standing on his nails, which was slightly uncomfortable for him to register. It was phantom uncomfortableness, no more than that, but it would take time for him to get used to it.

He slowly made his first step. It wasn't as hard as he thought it would be. Movement was the easy part. He took another step. And another. He walked a short distance. His strength was little, his endurance was scarce, and he was sure that if he tried to do more than that he would most certainly collapse.

He returned to the lake. He went into the water. Stopping where his hooves submerged, he let the water become still and unmoving again. He looked at himself.

Like a real horse would, he had fur, mane and tail. His muzzle was long and blocky, but not as long as real horse's would be. The colors stood out from what he perceived as possible: a lighter shade of blue for the fur, dark-blue, almost black for mane and tail. His eyes were big, their color a mix of purple and blue, not standing out too much from his overall appearance.

The most prominent feature of his new body was a spiraled horn on his head. Was he a unicorn? He was pretty sure such beings existed only in fantasy. But so did the sapient horses, and he understood clearly he was one. However, it only gave way to more confusion.

He opened his mouth to look at his teeth and tongue. Unfortunately, the water was too blurry to make out the details. Instead, he moved his tongue. It seemed larger, wider than it was before, though its length remained almost unchanged. There were more teeth, especially molars, but their structure was more or less human. He used his lips to test his front teeth, and found out that the canines seemed to be slightly sharper and more pointy.

He inhaled, counted to four, exhaled. His eyes expressed sadness and tiredness. He slumped back to the bank of the lake, back to the leaf he came to this world on.

Subconsciously, he associated it with what little of himself he had left. The leaf was red, like the color of his blood. A remainder of suicide. A remainder of his last wish — to die and disappear. Of course, it didn't happen, at least not yet. But he hoped, he hoped the situation he'd found himself in would be resolved soon and he would be off to a rest he felt he deserved.

The sun began to set. The young man noticed it and realized that he needed a shelter for the night. He was pretty sure he was completely alone. He was also sure that searching for civilization might not be the best way. If humans found him... He was unsure if he wanted to know the consequences.

Instead, he decided to go away from the open space. Right where the sands ended, forest began. It consisted of pines, spruce, birch, and some other trees. It was thick enough to cover him.

He decided to take the leaf with him. Having no fingers, he decided to grab it with his maw. He succeeded, and then placed the leaf on his back. He sighed, and then went into the forest.

***

He had spent about half an hour before he found a more or less comfortable place for the night. It wasn't too far from the bank, he made sure he could reach it if needed. The place itself was under low-hanging branches of a spruce. Thick and wide, having a lot of needles, these branches were the perfect roof of his shelter. He lied the leaf on the ground, effectively making him a more or less waterproof covering to sleep on.

His stomach grumbled. The young man winced. He needed to eat.

Since he knew horses could eat grass, he decided to try it. He nibbled on some grass, tasting it. It was pretty bland to him. Still, not bad. He could perhaps fill his belly for the night.

As he ate, he noticed clouds appearing above him, accompanying by some winged figures. Birds, perhaps? He couldn't see clearly what they were. Nevertheless, he was glad he made a shelter for himself. He was pretty sure it would be raining during the night.

After some time, he headed back to his small lair. He sighed, curling up into a ball, feeling himself rather cold. He placed his head onto his hooves and allowed himself to relax. He closed his eyes.

For some time, he couldn't sleep. The forest was still alive, full of sound. His new, more sensitive ears picked those sounds and involuntarily swiveled around, trying to locate them.

But soon, the rain started, tuning down all other sounds. The rain softly fell on the ground, creating a pleasant wall of noise. The young man sighed, his ears relaxed and fell. Soon, he was asleep.

He was running. Something was behind him, something that wanted to hurt him. And he ran from it, trying to get as far away as he possibly could.

He felt like he was moving through water. His movements were slow, very slow, almost snail-like. It felt like his legs weighed a ton each, each step gluing his feet to the ground.

And then, he was caught.

***

He woke up, his heart racing and his breath heavy. He wheezed, and then coughed thrice. He blinked to clear away the blur of sleep, and then stood up.

He was slightly damp and cold. The natural roof comprised of spruce branches wasn't enough to keep the whole rain away.

He shook himself like a dog or a cat. It made some water go away, but there was still an uncomfortable amount left.

Then, his body made it clear that it wanted a relief. The young man groaned, and exited his small shelter. He went into a bush, and then thought about how to relieve himself. He decided to do it like a dog, seeing no other option.

After sating nature's call, he returned to the shelter. It was dawning, and he decided to move somewhere under the sunlight. He also grabbed the leaf, shook it to get rid of accumulated water, and then placed it on his back.

He had no idea where to go. First, he decided to walk along the bank of the lake. Maybe he would find a river, and river means that there could be a settlement near it. Depending on the size, it could be either a city, town, or village. He was hoping it was the latter. He could try to sneak in and see what he can find to eat. He wasn't exactly going for starvation or dehydration as a viable method of suicide.

He was shivering slightly from cold and dampness. He sighed shakily, and then went to the lake. He arrived there without a hitch, and then proceeded to walk along the shore, keeping the forest in his line of sight. If a threat emerged, he would be ready.

***

He underestimated the size of the lake. It was enormous! He had barely managed to cover a fifth of it by the time he became tired and out of his breath. The new body was hard for him to cope with. He often stumbled, messing up the order of his legs' movement. He found it extremely frustrating, angry frown appeared on his face. As he stumbled yet again, he kicked the sand, groaning in irritation. He never knew walking could be such an issue.

He thought that the whole world was against him, even his body couldn't do what he wanted it to do. He held back tears of anger and frustration as he walked along the bank of the lake, searching for something, anything. He found old pieces of rotten wooden planks, nothing of particular interest or danger.

Walking along the bank, he found his mind wandering, bringing dangerous, worrying thoughts. He knew he had killed himself — the bullet was meant to go right through his heart and swiftly end his life. He remembered feeling the hit before the darkness filled his vision. He was certain that whatever he was experiencing at the moment wasn't a figment of his imagination, fueled by the pre-death agony. It simply couldn't be. He felt everything, he thought clearly, there was completely no evidence supporting the hope that it was simply a hallucination.

Was he immortal, invincible? What if he could try again?

Remembering the painful process of transformation, the young man shuddered. The echoes of that pain still lingered within him. He didn't want to go through the whole process again, especially if it meant turning back into a human he once was.

Besides, he liked the surroundings, more or less. He always loved living near the nature. Hearing no usual traffic or background talk, he found the new place serene and calming, especially considering that it was technically his afterlife. The nature eased his thoughts, even if only a little. Still, it was much better than the crowded streets, and he did enjoy his solitude, much more than he could ever admit. He was left to his own thoughts: no annoying cars or pedestrians passing by, no loud advertisements sounding from the speakers, no cringe-worthy music sounding from the cheap speakers of an annoying teenager's phone or overly loud earphones, nothing but nature.

He was sure that there was no river connecting to the lake. Giving up on his attempts at finding a way to civilization, he sat down and sighed. He had spent a lot of energy walking aimlessly. The sun had risen by then, shining brightly onto the former human.

The young man stood up. He understood that it wouldn't make him any good just sitting here. He let out a drawn-out sigh, and then headed into the forest. If the lake couldn't show him the way, maybe the forest would.