“So… How’re things in Ponyville?” asked Spike.

“They’re fine,” Twilight replied curtly.

The following silence was thick enough to cut with a knife. For several moments, neither hero said anything to the other. After a bit, Twilight decided to break that silence.

“And you? You’re doing okay with S.E.X.Y?” asked Twilight.

“Uh-huh. Doing fine. Tracking down villains. Saving the town. The usual.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re doing okay.”

“Me too. I mean, I’m glad you’re alright.”

More silence. The most awkward single moment in all of recorded history. The heroes kept moving, silently begging the other to change the subject.

“So, I see you’ve upgraded Bad Dragon. Finally gave it a good aesthetic,” noted Twilight.

“It’s not very aerodynamic. I need to streamline it some more,” said Spike. “Er… your harness is different than I remember.”

“This is an old prototype. The teleportation barely works. Which is why I have it in flight mode and didn’t just teleport us to Ponyville.”

“Right. Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“Alright, if you two are gonna do the whole ‘awkward sexual tension’ thing, then let me off,” grumbled Aria, clutching tightly to Spike as they flew through the air. “I’ll fucking walk.”

“Sorry. Forgot you were here,” said Spike. “Uh… God, this is weird. I haven’t worked with you in ages, Flicker.”

“Not since we broke up,” said Twilight with a nod.

“Right.”

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to make things awkward.”

“Not your fault. Don’t be sorry.”

“Fucking hell! Land, right now!” shouted Aria. Spike and Twilight immediately found a nearby skyscraper and landed. They were only a mile or so away from their destination, Twilight’s headquarters, and truly didn’t have time to waste. But Aria knew she wouldn’t get any work done with these two acting like this.

“Alright, here’s what’s gonna happen,” said Aria. “You two are gonna either fuck right now or pretend you never did, and then we’re gonna do our goddamn jobs.”

“Er… Even if I wanted to have sex with Spike right now, we couldn’t,” said Twilight. She tapped the ring in the center of her chest, retracting her harness’ wings into the mechanism. “The Dick Parasites would mutate and probably kill us.”

“So you’re going for option two. So forget about your past and give me a sitrep! What the hell are we even chasing?!”

“And what do you mean, even if you wanted to?” asked Spike.

“Not now, dickhead.”

“Right, sorry.”

“We’re chasing a clone of myself. The cloning process seems to have injured her head,” said Twilight. “Scarred her brain somehow. She’s a maniac. In my short time with her, she complimented my sweater, stole all my gear, tried to make out with me, then stabbed me in the side.”

“So she’s you, but crazy,” said Aria.

“So she's Twilight,” mumbled Spike.

“I will knock you into next week, little man.” Aria raised a large, threatening fist to prove her point. “If she’s like you, beating her should be simple. Just tell us how to beat you.”

“Not so simple. I cloned her through cellular regeneration. There’s precedence to say that she probably has a healing factor of sorts,” said Twilight. “Plus… Duplicating cells generates a lot of energy, she’s learned how to harness it.”

“Harness it how?” asked Spike.

“She can point at things and make them explode.”

Aria let out a long, tired breath, massaging her temples. All she wanted was to search for Hip-No-Tits on the internet. She didn’t ask for this.

“So, let me get this straight,” groaned Aria. “I was born with a big butt, and this chick can blow shit up by pointing at it? How is that fair?”

“Xenic gifts works in strange ways,” said Twilight. She pursed her lips in thought. “I think I’m going to call her Fingerbang. She needs a villain name, doesn’t she? And it would fit with the theme of our names. Fapper, Flicker, Fingerbang.”

“Flicker? How does that fit?” asked Aria. She thought on it for a bit, slapping her forehead. “Ah, fuck me, I just got it… I thought it was a teleporting thing…”

“Speaking of teleporting things…” Twilight tapped the middle ring of her harness. “I think Eden has enough charge to get us back to my place.” Twilight grabbed Spike by the hand, who, after panicking for just a second, grabbed Aria in a similar way. “Brace yourselves. And, if you feel any of your intestines rupture, don’t worry, I’ve got med-gel in my lab.”

“Wait, what?” Aria’s eyes went wide. “Ruptured intestines?”

There was a deafening crack and a blinding flash of light, then a sudden feeling of nothingness. And, all of a sudden, Aria hit the ground. She clutched her ribs gingerly, but a quick self-examination showed that her intestines were, as far as she could tell, wholly unruptured. She grunted and pushed herself up, then took a moment to observe her surroundings.

They seemed to be in a bunker of some sort, with very sparse furnishings. There was a small table set to the right, a downright tiny kitchen are to the left, and a massive wall of computers to the back. Just beside the computer was a single door, which presumably led to some sort of sleeping area. Behind where the three heroes appeared was a dual lab-workshop area that brought a tear to Spike’s eye.

“Holy shit…” he muttered. “Someone upgraded…”

“I’ve got some friends in the tech industry who owed me some favors,” said Twilight with a grin. “Check this out. Computer! I’m home!”

“Welcome home, Sugartits,” said the computer. “Selecting automatic playlist: Hardcore gangbang action.”

“Cancel! Cancel!” Twilight blushed aggressively, running to the computer console. “Off! Shut it off!”

“Yes, Mistress.”

“Wow,” said Aria. “So you’re a porn addict too, eh? Thought it was just him.”

“Aria! Shut up!” hissed Spike, his cheeks tinged red in their own right.

“What? You weren’t embarrassed when talking to me about it, and I was a complete stranger at the time.”

“This is different…”

“In any case, we’re wasting a lot of time here,” said Twilight, twirling a lock of her hair nervously. “Computer, what’s your status?”

“Scanning… Currently, wishing to bend you over that table and ram my hard, fat—”

“Computer! We talked about this! Not in front of company!” hissed Twilight. “And that’s not the status I was looking for. I meant status on Eden Mark IX!”

“Apologies, my Supple Queen. Would you like me to delete that scenario from my database?”

Twilight hung her head in shame, unable to look her partners directly in the face.

“No, Computer, save it,” she sighed, thoroughly defeated.

“Of course, Sweetcheeks. Saving scenario as Dirty Talk Initiator #432,” said Computer. “Scanning… Eden Mark IX will be ready in ten minutes. Recommended course of action: charge empty fuel cells. With efficiency and the use of Ricardo, I project that twelve cells can be charged.”

“Thank you, Computer. You can go now.”

“Yes, lover. You will forever inhabit my darkest, most debauched fantasies.”

The Computer shut down, leaving Twilight’s face glowing red and Aria trying her hardest not to laugh. Spike was almost as embarrassed as Twilight, deciding that the floor was the safest place to look.

“That AI is incredible,” said Spike.

At that, Aria lost it. She burst into hysteric, gut-busting laughter, eventually collapsing onto her butt from sheer amusement. She had to look through tears of mirth in her eyes to see it, but the radiating blush on Twilight’s face only exacerbated Aria’s laughter.

“Oh god, that’s too good!” cackled Aria. “You programmed it to dirty talk! Why?!”

“It… It helps me… Finish…” Twilight buried her face in her palms. “This whole thing went off the rails really quickly. I just wanted to show off my computer…”

“You called for me, Tastycakes?”

“No, Computer, I did not.”

“I was serious, by the way,” said Spike. “It's incredible. Did you code him yourself?”

“Took me two years, but yes,” sighed Twilight. She turned to her workshop, looking up at a box of plexiglass near the back wall. There was another harness in it, with several robotic arms tinkering with it like an automobile in production. “Ten minutes have never gone by slower…”

“Hold on, I'm not done laughing,” chuckled Aria. “Who's Ricardo?”

If Twilight was blushing before, she was downright nuclear with embarrassment now. If she could instantaneously evaporate, it'd be too slow for her.

“He's… He's not a he. He's an it,” sighed Twilight. “Ricardo is my favorite sex toy.”

“Fetching Ricardo and selecting automatic playlist: Teen sluts fucked hard.”

“Computer! Cancel!”

“As you wish, my Bootylicious Bride.”

“Please let me die,” mumbled Twilight, barely heard over Aria’s raucous laughter. “If there is really a god out there, please just kill me now…”

“Eden Mark IX is ready, Dollface.”

“Excellent! Bring it to me!”

“Anything for you, Honeytwat.”

“Ew, I don’t like that one. Remove it from your dictionary.”

“Deleting phrase… Anything for you, Cuddle Muffin.”

The plexiglass box rose, allowing the robotic arms to lift the Eden Teleportation Harness from its workplace. Twilight pulled her hardly-functioning prototype off and slipped on her brand new teleporter. Once Eden Mark IX was secured, Twilight pressed a palm to her chest and activated the harness. A lavender ring of light began to glow in the center of her chest, humming with energy.

“Finally! Now, we can go find this clone!” said Twilight.

“Or maybe she can find you!”

The heroes jumped in surprise, their eyes falling on the computer console. Hanging upside down and with a wicked grin on her face was an almost exact mirror image of Twilight. Her hair was messier, and she wore nothing except for an Eden harness, but she otherwise looked and sounded exactly like the Flicker.

“It’s about time! I was starting to grow impatient, sweetie,” cooed Fingerbang. “You shouldn’t leave a girl hanging like that! Sorry about stabbing you earlier, bee-tee-dubs, your body just drives me a teeny, tiny bit crazy! Makes me do baaaaad things!” Fingerbang’s eyes fell on Aria and Spike for the first time. “Ooh, you brought company. If we’re going to bring others into the bedroom, we should really discuss it first.”

“What do you want?” demanded Twilight. Fingerbang sat herself right-side up, kicking her feet idly.

“What I want is for you to introduce us. Like this one! Who’s she?” Fingerbang vanished in a flash. Aria felt two hands roughly grab her butt, but didn’t react. She would’ve punched Fingerbang in the jaw as hard as she could, but Twilight quickly shook her head, then pantomimed an explosion. Aria subsequently lowered her hands. “God damn, your ass is amazing! I wanna hit that like an abusive spouse.”

“What does that even mean?” asked Twilight. “Scratch that, how did you get here?” Fingerbang giggled, smacked Aria firmly on the butt, then began pacing around the room.

“I never left, bae. I just teleported to bed, and Computer was keeping me… occupied, if you know what I mean.” Fingerbang winked sensually, then gestured to her crotch. “What I mean is he pleasured my vagina.”

“Thanks, got it. How did you get Computer to work for you?”

“Computer, who am I?” asked Fingerbang.

“You are the master of my burning desire, Ms. Twilight.”

“Good boy.” Fingerbang teleported back to her original position, chewing suggestively on her lip. “You know, you still haven’t introduced our new fuck-buddies.”

“Yeah, I'm gonna stop you right there,” said Aria, growing her fists to maximum size. “I'm the Ass Master, superhero ass-kicker and dispenser of justice. And that weird orgy you keep trying to get off the ground? It ain't happening! What is gonna happen is me punching your head off of your goddamn shoulders!”

“Wow,” noted Twilight. “Intense.”

“She slapped my ass. I hate that.”

“Note to self: Do not slap Aria’s ass,” muttered Spike. “Not worth the risk…”

“It's over, Fingerbang,” declared Twilight. “You're outnumbered, 3 to 1!”

“Like that video you were watching when you were making me?” laughed Fingerbang. Twilight blushed profusely, but she stood her ground.

“Give it up, or we’re going to have to hurt you.”

“I can take on you two sluts with my eyes closed,” yawned Fingerbang, placing her hands over her eyes. “Wanna see?” Without warning, she pointed a finger-gun at Aria and made the motion of a gun going off.

The air in front of Aria detonated, sending her flying back against a wall. Aria groaned in pain, clutching her chest gingerly.

“Fuck…” she groaned. “That hurt…”

“One down, one to go,” laughed Fingerbang. She pointed at her creator, waving before firing.

Spike zoomed in front of Twilight, using his armor to withstand the brunt of the explosion. The metal dented slightly, but held together enough.

“You got weapons?” asked Spike. Any awkward past he had with Twilight was pushed to the side for the time being. He had a job to do.

“It can teleport, Spike. Technically speaking, I have everything.” Twilight tapped the center of Eden Mark IX, which teleported two steel batons into her hand. Further inspection revealed that they were actually shaped to resemble a particular bit of the male anatomy.

“Dick bats?” asked Spike. “Really?”

“They're eskrima sticks. Get ready for a fight.”

“Don't,” ordered Fingerbang. “Other Twilight, I'll blow your ass up and down the city all day, if that's what you're into. But I can't possibly hurt my boytoy.”

“Um… No?” tried Spike. “I'm nobody's boytoy. Not recently, anyway. Regardless, we're going to stop you, right here, right now!”

“But Spikey… I wuv you, bae,” pouted Fingerbang. She made a heart with her hands and pressed it to her chest. “I… I couldn’t possibly hurt you!”

“Then don’t,” said Twilight. “Just don’t. Let me test you, stabilize you, and—”

“Shut your whore mouth!” Fingerbang vanished, reappearing behind Twilight and grabbing her by the hair. She teleported again, this time with Twilight in tow, and reappeared in front of Spike, where Fingerbang fired another blast at Twilight’s chest. With no armored hero between her and the explosion, Twilight went flying through the air, eventually colliding with a still-incapacitated Aria.

“Ugh… You weren’t kidding…” grunted Twilight. “I’m gonna be feeling that one…”

“On the bright side, it gets easier to deal with,” said Aria. She chuckled slightly, wincing in pain. “Ah, fuck me, I was wrong, it gets way harder.”

“Hey, Fingerbang!” said Spike. “Could you knock it the hell off? These are my friends!”

“But why?! That slut I just blew up left you! She dumped you and broke your heart and now you’ll never love another woman again!” Fingerbang grabbed one of Twilight’s discarded eskrima dicks, twirling it idly. “But that’s okay, stud. You don’t have to love another woman. You can have what you want. Because I’m her! I’m everything you liked about that cuntsack, and nothing you don’t.”

“What are you—”

“Why are you still pining for her, Spikey? Why bother with that fucking loser? The stick up her ass has a stick up its ass! But me? I’m fun, baby, I’m down for anything!” She began stroking the eskrima dick, suggestively raising her eyebrows while she did. “Anything you could possibly want, I’d do it for you. Go ahead, pitch an idea to me. Something you’d do to me that no one else would let you. I’d do it three times in front of your parents if that’s what you wanted. Just take me back, sweetie. Take me back and we can have it all! Money and power and chicks! We can travel, fuck all over the world, and no one could stop us!” Fingerbang held out the eskrima dick as a peace offering of sorts to Spike, who took it and looked at strangely. He clutched it tightly, then tossed it to his fallen partner, who barely caught it.

“Fingerbang, it doesn’t work that way,” said Spike. “Even if I wanted to get together with you, and I don’t, you’re a villain and I’m a hero. It’s my job to fight you until one of us doesn’t get up. Flicker, Ass Master, naptime is over. Let’s do our jobs.”

Twilight teleported to Spike’s side, scooping up her other eskrima dick. Aria fought to her feet and joined the heroes facing off with Fingerbang. The villain pouted her lip, her eyes bouncing from Twilight to Aria and finally landing on Spike.

“I see. You’d rather have the classic model. I guess you can’t tell what a huge upgrade this would be,” sighed Fingerbang. “But that’s fine. I’ll just have to show you.” She grinned madly, letting her tongue loll out of her mouth. “I’ll make you wish you took me up on my orgy suggestion.”

“C’mon, man, I know you’re only like three hours old, but that’s not how it works,” said Aria. “You gotta take me out on a date or something first.” Fingerbang vanished, then reappeared behind Aria, grabbing a handful of her ass as she did.

“You want a date?” asked Fingerbang wickedly. “How about a date… Here?” Aria vanished in a flash, feeling herself dangling by the wrist. When the light had faded and she could see again, her heart just about stopped in her chest.

Several hundreds of feet below were the tops of the tallest skyscrapers Ponyville had to offer. Aria looked up, locking eyes with the mad, near-hysterical villain. Her harness’ wings were out, keeping them in the air. Fingerbang kept her hand clamped tightly around Aria’s wrist, her upper arm strength acting the only thing between the Ass Master and a painful death, other than over a thousand feet of air.

“Fuck!” Aria didn’t know what to do. “Take me back! We can fuck or do whatever it is you want, just take me back!”

“Oh, but you said a date, and I can’t think of a better date than one held 1,500 feet in the sky,” laughed Fingerbang. “Maybe we can go back to my original idea, though. Once I’m done scraping you off of the pavement.”

Fingerbang smiled, then blew Aria a kiss, before releasing her grip and letting Ass Master plummet from the sky.

Author's Notes:

S.E.X.Y. OFFICIAL TRADING CARDS

#06
Fingerbang

Real Name: Twilight Sparkle
Age: 3 hours
Height: 5'5"
Weight: 143 lbs
Power: Teleportation, Explosion Inducement, Regenerative Healing
Affiliations: The Fapper

Strength: 8/10
Speed: 6/10
Stamina: 7/10
Endurance: 6/10
Intelligence: 8/10

In an attempt to use cellular regeneration to cure herself of her Dick Parasites, Twilight Sparkle inadvertently created a clone of herself. The clone was perfect on the surface, but her brain was scarred by the process, resulting in a fractured psyche. What resulted was an insane, delusional, sex-crazed villain called Fingerbang. With the power to cause explosions with the point of a finger (a side-effect of the cloning process), Fingerbang will stop at nothing to get what she wants. While her demented, ever-shifting mind is impossible to predict, one thing remains clear: the thing she wants more than anything is the heart of The Fapper...