“Hey! Aria! Come help me with this!”

Aria groaned, but set down her phone and rose from the couch nonetheless. Spike had a lot of nerve asking her for help when she was busy tracking down one of the most nefarious super villains in history. Granted, searching through Twitter and Instagram for Adagio Dazzle probably wasn’t the quickest, most surefire way of finding her, but it was the attempt that counted. Still, Aria had been focused on the Hip-No-Tits ever since her discussion with Pinkie Pie two weeks prior. She needed to get her eyes off of things, anyway.

Aria strolled down the hall, knocking on Spike’s door. She looked up to a small camera in the doorframe. There was a quiet buzzing, followed by a loud beep, and the door slid open with an audible hiss of air. Aria stepped into Spike’s room.

“AH! AH! FUCK! YES, BABY, RIGHT FUCKING THERE!”

“Whoops, my bad,” said Spike. He wheeled himself back in his chair, swiping down through the air. The explicit audio went silent, which gave Aria an opportunity to survey the room.

The floor was cluttered with various bits of machinery and gadgets. Aria had to walk past a few shelves of tools and unknown doohickies to get into the room proper. When she did, she was met with a workbench to her left, a small bed to her right, and a massive computer station with several monitors, keyboard, and towers, some lighting up, all emitting a low buzz. There were flat screen televisions lining all three walls, each screen displaying some form of pornography.

“Good, you’re here,” said Spike. “I need your help.”

“Yeah… I don’t think I can help you with that,” said Aria. “I can go get you some lotion or something, but past that, you’re on your own.”

“Not that. I just leave the porn on in the background. Helps me focus,” said Spike. “No, what I need is an extra set of hands on this package.”

“Uh…”

“Just shut up and come over here.” Spike pulled off his iGlass and set it on the workbench. Aria joined him over at the table, which was littered with gears and screws and tools for a device that was so sophisticated, Aria couldn’t even guess what it was.

“Here, just hold this in place,” said Spike, pointing to a small device on the table. It was a hexagonal bit of steel, divided into a top half and a bottom base. Aria shrugged, but grabbed the device and held it in place. Spike grabbed a small device roughly the size and shape of a pen. “And don’t move your fingers. I’d hate to cut ‘em off.”

“Wait, what?”

Spike aimed his pen-device at the hexagon and fired a steady beam of red light. The beam hissed, welding the steel shut. Spike stuck his tongue out in concentration, going all around the edge of the hexagon. When he was done, he set the welder down and took the hexagon from the table.

“Alright, thanks” said Spike. “You can go now.”

“The hell is that, anyway?” asked Aria. Spike returned his iGlass, swiping his finger through the air at nothing.

“Ever since you told me about your unblocked memories, I’ve been looking at a way to get back into The Gloryhole,” said Spike. “This device is a sort of window into it. If I can get this working, we can beat The Hip-No-Tits to whatever it is she wants.”

“Can we skip the part where I ask a bunch of questions and get right along to the part where you tell me all the stuff I need to know?” asked Aria.

“Alright, well, to go way back, Xenics are thought to have originally come from another dimension stacked on top of ours. The space in between is called The Gloryhole,” explained Spike. “And that’s where we put the really bad villains. Ones that are serious threats to the entire world. I’ve only ever had to use it once, and the device broke right after. We don’t know exactly what is in The Gloryhole, but we’ve got scans to indicate that if anything were to come through, we’d be screwed.”

“So you named it The Gloryhole,” groaned Aria. “Fucking hell, these names are stupid…”

“Look, I don’t name these things,” said Spike. He tilted his head in thought. “Okay, I named this one, but it’s not my fault. Xenics are wired this way. Haven’t found out why.”

“Yeah, whatever. I’m gonna go look for Dag,” said Aria. “Just call me if you need anything.”

“Actually, have you seen my hard drive anywhere? The one with the blue tape,” said Spike. “It’s got those pictures of Titty Titan on it, and, uh… I’m gonna need em soon.”

Aria rolled her eyes in disgust and was about to turn to look for the hard drive when she stopped. A question suddenly dawned on Aria, something she never thought to ask before regarding her tech-savvy, crime-fighting partner.

“Spike, lemme ask you something kinda personal,” said Aria. “Why don’t you have a girlfriend or something?”

“Uh… Maybe because I’m a porn-obsessed weirdo called The Fapper?” suggested Spike. “Might have something to do with it.”

“I just meant, like, you know… You’re smart. Funny. Kinda cute, if that’s what you’re into.” Aria crossed the room and took a seat on Spike’s workbench. “I figure you could probably bag any chick you want. Or dude. I don’t know your life.”

“Jeez, someone’s getting friendly. Ever since you swapped backstories with Pinkie, you’re all about being best buds with us,” grumbled Spike. He rolled over to his computers, typing away without so much as looking at Aria. “I thought you were supposed to be an antisocial dick.”

“I can fuck off, if you’re gonna be like that.”

“No, don’t. It’s… Look, don’t tell the others. The only other person who knows this story is Fluttershy.” Spike pushed himself back, sliding across to one of his shelves. He dug through the rubbish, eventually emerging with another iGlass. He tossed it to Aria, who caught it easily. “Put that on.”

“Sure.” Aria slipped the iGlass onto her face, her eyes immediately going wide. Suddenly, floating in the air, were several dozen webpages, most of them displaying pornography of varying degrees of intensity. “Yo, dude, seriously?”

“Sorry. I forgot.” Spike swiped his hand to the side, minimizing the pages. “Alright, so you wanna hear my story?”

“Yeah, sure, I’ve got time,” said Aria. “What’s the point of this? Can’t you just tell me?”

“Visual aids. So, let’s start way back in high school. This was before Sunset, before Pinkie and Shy, before I was a hero. There was a girl.” He swiped his hand up, displaying the image of a girl. She was elegantly beautiful, with luxurious purple-blue hair and glistening sapphire eyes. “Her name was Rarity, and I was smitten immediately. She was smart, and sexy, and powerful. She ticked all my boxes and, for bonus points, she was Xenic. We dated for years, from freshman year until we were seniors. I loved her. And everything was sunshine and rainbows until she popped my cherry. Then… I realized that something was wrong. I was blacking out. Losing whole days of memory. And, one day… I woke up in a broom closet watching her get railed by some dickhead on the football team.”

“Damn, man. That sucks,” said Aria. Then, she started putting things together. “Wait, you woke up in a broom closet? How the hell does that happen?”

“How astute of you. Well, that moves me to the next part of the story. The part where I find out that Rarity wasn’t who I thought she was.”

Spike took down the first photo, replacing it with another; Rarity was floating above the streets of Canterlot City, a beam of sapphire light blasting from her hand. She was barely clothed, wearing a black bodice with a heart cutout over the cleavage and long, elbow-length leather gloves on her top and a simple black bottom piece with knee-high boots. Two dark, leathery wings spread from her back, and she had two slightly curved horns jutting from her forehead.

“Turns out, Rarity didn’t really love me. She was a villain called Seducctubus,” sighed Spike. “She fucks dudes and drains their energy to add to her own power. There’s a mind-control element, too. Fucking her made me super submissive, really easily influenced. She used me until she couldn’t get any more energy from me. Sucked me dry, and not in the fun way. That’s why I need Bad Dragon, to make up for the fact that I’m barely a Xenic now.

“There was a side-effect to having sex with Rarity. She gave me… I don’t really know what to call it. It’s an energy, but it’s living, almost. I call it a Dick Parasite.”

“Okay, if this story is gonna stay serious, you can’t call it a Dick Parasite,” said Aria. “You’re a smart dude. Where’s the scientific terminology?”

“Look, I dunno what it is. All I know is that it drains the energy out of anything I stick it to and feeds it back to Rarity. So she gains power not just from dudes she fucks, but from chicks those dudes fuck, and dudes that those chicks fuck, so on and so forth. She’s possibly the most powerful Xenic in the world. Or, she was, before I sent her to The Gloryhole.”

Spike paused for a moment, trying to get a gauge of Aria’s reaction. To his surprise, she seemed unaffected. Like she’s heard worse before. Her lack of reaction actually made him feel a bit better. A bit less stressed at reliving the hardest part of his life so far.

“And, I thought, you know, that putting her away would cut off the connection. She was in another dimension, for Christ’s sake. So, I started dating again. I met a girl I really liked. She was like Rarity, except not a bitch,” said Spike. “She was a hero, my partner before I joined S.E.X.Y. So, I decided that I wanted to push things forward. Rarity was gone, this girl was Xenic, so I figured I was good.”

“I’m guessing you weren’t?”

“I almost killed her. I put her in a coma.” Spike swiped his hand again, pulling up the medical records and bioscans, all of them looking bad even to someone like Aria who had very minimal knowledge of medicine. “She woke up, thank god, but she dumped me. She said I should’ve told her, which is true. We don’t talk often anymore.”

“Wow. Here I was thinking only villains had fucked-up pasts,” sighed Aria. “That’s rough, bud.”

“Yeah, but I get along fine. I mean, who needs a woman’s touch when you have infinite porn?”

There was a sudden flash of light, accompanied by a sound reminiscent of a whip cracking through the air. A woman appeared from nowhere, falling to her butt. Her hair was a purplish mess, some ends burned and some still aflame. She tried to stand up but quickly buckled, falling straight onto her back. She raised a hand and placed it to her chest, where she wore a sort of harness with a glowing ring of lavender light inset in the center.

“Hi! Oh dear, this thing needs recalibration,” she said. She tried once again to stand, falling just as quickly. “So, how are you?”

“What the hell?” demanded Aria.

“What are you doing here?” asked Spike. He glanced to his silently playing porn, then blacked out the screen with a swipe of the hand.

“I’m… well, primarily, I’m bleeding internally,” said the mystery woman. “Don’t worry, the med-gel will kick in soon. If I programmed this hunk of junk properly, that is.” There was a low beep, then a metallic shink! The mystery woman winced in pain, eventually letting out a contented sigh. “There you go. I’m good.”

“Alright, so I don’t get any answers?” asked Aria. “Who the fuck is this?”

“Oh my god, I can’t believe this is happening…” sighed Spike. “Ass Master, meet The Flicker. Flicker, Ass Master.”

“Nice to meet you, Ass Master, but you really don’t need to bother with the hero name for me,” said The Flicker. “I’m Twilight Sparkle. Nice to meet you.”

“Sup. It’s Aria, by the way.” Aria stood up and grew out her fists defensively. “So… Why are you here?”

“That’s a damn good question, Aria,” said Spike. “Why are you here, Twilight?”

“Well… You know I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t need to be.” Twilight stood up, clutching her side gingerly. “So… You remember that thing you used to call me? Your little…”

“My little mad scientist, yeah.” Realization washed over Spike, and he visibly paled. “Oh, shit, what did you do?!”

“Well, Spike, I was trying to solve the problem you caused us,” explained Twilight. Spike blushed faintly, his eyes immediately darting downwards to avoid meeting Twilight’s. “And I tried something radical.”

“Radical like extremist or radical like awesome?” asked Aria.

“I wasn’t aware that second definition was still used.”

“Only by chucklefucks.”

“What. Did. You. Do?!” demanded Spike. Twilight sighed, running her fingers through her hair in an attempt at neatening it.

“I decided that the solution was probaby cell duplication. Duplicate healthy cells so that the infected cells can’t keep up.”

“Twilight, if you fucked that up, you could’ve given yourself cancer.”

“But I didn’t. Give myself cancer. I did mess up, though. Quite royally,” said Twilight. “And… I may have completely duplicated myself and now the clone is running around Ponyville in a psychotic rage. And I sort of need your help to capture her before she replicates herself an army to take over the world.”

Aria and Spike went silent, neither knowing the appropriate response to such a revelation. Spike let out a sigh, then pressed a button on his watch. His door slid open, and the Bad Dragon armor stomped into the room, opening wide for its master to step in.

“Alright, then. I guess we’re going to Ponyville,” sighed Spike. He stepped into his suit, which closed and hummed to life. “Let’s do it.”

Author's Notes:

S.E.X.Y. OFFICIAL TRADING CARDS

#05
The Flicker

Real Name: Twilight Sparkle
Age: 24
Height: 5'5"
Weight: 143 lbs
Power: Teleportation, Genius Intellect
Affiliations: The City of Ponyville, The Fapper

Strength: 3/10
Speed: 6/10
Stamina: 4/10
Endurance: 5/10
Intelligence: 15/10

Twilight Sparkle is The Flicker, former superhero partner and romantic interest of S.E.X.Y's Fapper. A genius inventor, The Flicker compensates for her lack of physical powers with the Eden Teleportation Harness and several sex-toy based weapons and gadgets. Though not an official member of S.E.X.Y, The Flicker sympathizes with their goals and won't hesitate to step in, should the team ever need her aid. Currently, she defends the city of Ponyville as its sole hero, using her spare time to research a cure for The Seducctubus' Dick Parasites.