Being a hero was about being strong, courageous, and dignified. Heroes were supposed to be more than just saviors to the innocent and defenders of justice. Heroes were supposed to be symbols of good, signifying a level of benevolence, integrity, and worth that would inspire others to become agents of good. No matter how bleak or terrifying the situation, it was a hero’s job to be strong and calm, even when their lives were at stake, and put on a face of courage and dignity for those around them.

“Fuck! Fuckfuckfuck, I’m gonna fucking die, fuck!”

As she plummeted out of the sky, Aria realized she probably wasn’t a very good hero.

There was a flash of light, and Aria felt two arms wrap themselves around her middle. She had no time to react before she was being teleported, reappearing somewhere very, very wet.

Aria shouted in surprise, her exclamation taking the form of a stream of bubbles as salty water entered her throat and was swiftly ejected. She panicked, flailing wildly before another teleport brought her back to dry land. She rolled over onto her hands and knees and coughed up as much seawater as she could. She couldn’t see much through the salt in her eyes, but she seemed to be on a skyscraper of some sort.

“What the fuck?!” she snapped in between fits of coughs.

“You’re welcome,” said Twilight. She shook her head firmly, sending whips of salty seawater out of her hair. “A second or two later and you’d be the city sanitation department’s problem.”

“Did you really have to teleport me to the Pacific fucking Ocean?”

“First of all, Atlantic. Second, I don’t know how you think these things work, but me teleporting you to the ground doesn’t just stop your momentum. I had to fall with you, then bring you someplace where you could fall slower. Otherwise, all that that rescue attempt would do is break my arms and snap your spine.”

“Yeah, ocean beats that out any day. What’s the plan?” asked Aria.

“Fingerbang is out of control, but she won’t hurt Spike,” said Twilight. “That’s an advantage.”

“Why won’t she?” Aria rubbed her head, the sudden drop and even more sudden teleport more than a bit disorienting. “She’s in love with him or something, but why?”

“Why doesn’t matter. What matters is how we’re going to stop her. Now, Computer has been running scenarios and tests, possible countermeasures. I doubt we’ll be able to out-punch her.”

“Speak for yourself, nerd,” said Aria, cracking her knuckles. “I’ve got a three-piece combo with her name on it.”

“No. I’m a certified genius and, while Fingerbang’s mind is nowhere near as powerful as mine, she’s still me and, therefore, intelligent to a dangerous extent.” Twilight tapped the ring of light in the center of Eden and teleported an earpiece communicator into her hand. “Here, put this in.” Aria did as she was told, tapping the little device into her ear.

“Alright, now what?” asked Aria.

“Computer, establish communications,” ordered Twilight.

“As you command, my luscious Lady Lust.”

“Come in, Fapper, come in. This is Flicker, do you read me?”

“Twi, what the hell are you doing? We’re superheroes, not the goddamn Coast Guard.” Spike’s voice rang clear through the communicator. “And could you hurry this up? I’m a bit busy.”

“Too busy to stop a supervillain?” asked Aria.

“Well, she set a frigging school on fire, so yeah, I am. Too busy saving the lives of 3rd graders.”

“Alright, well, wrap that up as soon as possible,” said Twilight. “We need to move in on Fingerbang before she does something really drastic.”

“More drastic than setting a school on fire?” asked Aria with a raised eyebrow.

There was another flash of light, this one bringing with it the form of Fingerbang. She was laid out on her back, her face buried deep in a copy of Hustler magazine. She giggled to herself, then looked up, apparently surprised that she was no longer alone. She tossed the porno mag to the side, then turned over on her side and posed seductively with her hand on her hip.

“Ah, if it isn’t the Jennifer to my Angelina,” said Fingerbang with a grin. “Hope you’ve enjoyed the last two minutes or so of your life, because you’re only going to have about three more. Cause I’m gonna kill you. Did you get that? I admit, my villain quips could use some work, I have only been doing this for a few hours.”

“Yeah, we got it, but… Hold on a second, Jennifer?” Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What are you implying?”

“I’m implying that Brad is mine, and that you should go back to making shitty rom-coms before you get yourself hurt,” chuckled Fingerbang. “You know I could’ve killed you by now, right? Wanna know why I haven’t?” She didn’t bother waiting for Twilight’s answer. “Because that’s boooooring! I wanna beat you one to one, Twilight to Twilight, in some good, dirty, scandalous girl-on-girl action. Maybe then my sweet prince will see how much happier he’d be with me as his princess.”

“So what? A duel?” asked Aria. Fingerbang nodded vigorously. “If she wins, will you fuck off and leave us alone?”

“Absolutely! You have my word!” Fingerbang raised her left hand, placing her right over her chest. “Scout’s honor.”

“And if I refuse?” asked Twilight.

“Ooh, what’s that over there?” Fingerbang scurried over to the ledge, peering across the skyline. “Is that a cancer treatment center?” She pointed at it, one eye closed as she carefully aimed. “Man, all those poor patients, let alone the millions of dollars of research that would be lost… It’d be a shame if someone were to blow it up or something…”

Twilight leapt onto Fingerbang, pushing her onto her back and pinning her hands to the ground. She glared at the villain with sheer animosity, wishing she had been more careful. Ironically, Twilight’s attempts of curing her Dick Parasites gave her a similar feeling of regret to her getting them in the first place. Her attempts to fix one mistake had resulted in an even bigger one.

“Fine! Just… I’ll fight you, one on one,” huffed Twilight. “Just don’t hurt anyone else. Keep it between you and me. I won’t tolerate any collateral damage. If even a single person gets hurt, it’s off. Any questions?”

“Just one,” giggled Fingerbang. “Is that a laser pistol in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Twilight reached into her pocket and pulled out a small, handheld laser pistol, which she pressed against Fingerbang’s forehead.

“You tell me,” she growled.

“Hm… It’s hard to tell, honestly. I mean, obviously, laser pistol, but that’s how I would show I was happy to see you. So… I’m gonna go with both.” She teleported from beneath Twilight’s grasp, causing the Flicker to fall onto her hands and knees. Fingerbang reappeared on top of Twilight, sitting with her legs crossed. “Ah, but some rules! Rule 1: You get one basic weapon! Can’t have you teleporting military-grade arms just to beat widdle ol me, can we?”

“My eskrima sticks are more than enough to put you down.” Twilight teleported next to Aria, who was watching cautiously. Aria didn't even remotely trust Fingerbang, but she had to assume that Twilight, a solo hero more experienced than herself, knew what she was doing.

“Ow! Gravel is not fun on the backside, I'll tell you that for free.” Fingerbang stood up, dusting the tiny rocks from her body. “Rule 2: If your buddy over there with the succulent booty decides to get involved, you forfeit and I get to blow up… That shopping mall looks nice, I'll blow that up.”

“She'll stay out of it,” promised Twilight. “What else?”

“Well, I only really thought of those two, but I've been told that you're supposed to do these things in threes, for comedic purposes…” Fingerbang tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Ha! I've got it! Rule 3: You can't wear anything but your Eden Harness!”

“So I've got to fight you naked?” asked Twilight. Fingerbang voraciously nodded. “What purpose does that serve?”

“Put on a show for my future hubby. It's not every day he gets to see his wife fighting herself completely nude.”

“He's not your… You know what? Fine. One weapon, no interference, naked. Where do we wanna do this?”

“I have the perfect venue!” giggled Fingerbang. “It'll be so romantic! I'll text you the deets when everything is ready. Just be sure to be fashionably late, bring your plus-one, and the party is BYOB. Cheers!”

Fingerbang vanished in a flash, leaving Aria and Twilight alone to strategize.

“Think you can beat her?” asked Aria.

“Allow me to answer your question with one of my own,” said Twilight. “How do you defeat someone who is your equal in every possible relevant way?”

“Uh… I dunno, how?”

“Watch and you'll find out. Fapper, you there?”

“Yup. Just finished with the school,” said Spike. “Twi, you do realize that this is insane, right?”

“Of course. But my hands are more or less tied. Don't worry, I have a plan,” said Twilight. “I need to head back home. Spike, where are you currently?”

“Flying up 3rd Street,” he said. “Why?”

“Did you pass the deli?”

“I’m coming up on it. Why?”

“Alright, I’m gonna have to eyeball this one,” said Twilight. She put a finger to the center of her harness, enveloping her whole hand in purple light. “Aria, stay limp, count to three, then grab and hold on.”

“What’re you about to do?” asked Aria.

“There’s no time. Limp, three seconds, hold on tight. Got it? Good.” Twilight flicked her hand forward, wrapping Aria in purple light. Before Aria could do anything to react, she felt herself vanish in a flash.

And, all of a sudden, she was falling.

“Shit! Fuck, okay.” Aria tried to keep herself from tensing, remembering what Twilight had said. “One… Two… Three!”

She smacked into something hard and metal, but managed to wrap her arms and legs around it. Aria looked up, relieved to be holding on to Bad Dragon. Spike fumbled slightly through the sky, but managed to remain airborne, despite the sudden, unexpected new weight.

“Damn it, Twi, a bit of warning would be nice,” complained Spike. “What the hell are we doing, anyway?”

“Keep patrol around the city. I’ll have Computer send you locations of interest,” said Twilight. “I want you to evacuate them, in case Fingerbang arbitrarily decides I’ve broken some sort of rule and decides to blow up city hall or something. Computer, send out the list.”

“As you wish, Archmage of my Burning Loins.”

“These nicknames are fucking terrible,” grumbled Aria. “So we evacuate the buildings. What then?”

“Then, nothing, really. You just wait for me and Fingerbang to fight,” sighed Twilight. “You cannot risk the safety of the Ponyvillians by interfering. Just observe.”

“Twi, I’m gonna ask you straight up,” said Spike. “Do you know what you’re doing?”

The communications array went uncomfortably silent for several moments, during which point Spike became increasingly concerned for the success of this mission.

“You’re killing me, Twi,” sighed Spike. “Alright, I got your list. We’ll evacuate, then start on a plan.” Spike flew to a nearby skyscraper, setting Aria down carefully before stepping out of his suit. He put his iGlass onto his face, one finger to the communicator in his ear. “Twi, I’m gonna lose you for a bit. I need to hack into the building’s intercom, and you’ll cause interference.”

“Alright. Be in touch.”

Spike tapped and swiped through the air, using Bad Dragon as a computer. The OS and processing power of Bad Dragon was nowhere nearing a substitute for the equipment he’d have back at Cumworld, but it was more than sufficient for his purposes here.

“Lemme ask you something,” said Aria. “Why do you think Fingerbang is obsessed with you like that?”

“Does it matter?” asked Spike.

“Yeah, it does. It was also rhetoric, because I already know the answer.”

“Oh yeah? Do tell.”

“She’s a perfect copy of Twilight, right? For the most part. Aside from the homicidal, psychotic, random blowing shit up, they’re pretty much one-to-one,” said Aria. “So her love or whatever, it’s gotta come from some place. It’s gotta come from Twilight.”

“What?”

“She misses you, jackass. She wants you back.” Aria took a seat, wishing she didn’t have to be a part of this. She didn’t like being caught in the middle of this strange, potentially-dangerous love triangle. “Think about it. A maniac clone of herself shows up, and, all the heroes out there, she goes for you. Why?”

“Because she knew I’d help?” suggested Spike.

“And Sunset wouldn’t have? She went for you. Not me, not Sunset, not S.E.X.Y. Just you. She was trying to impress you with Computer. She wants you back.”

“Look, I think you’re severely misunderstanding the nature of our breakup,” said Spike stiffly. “It wasn’t a ‘let’s stay friends’ breakup. It wasn’t even a ‘follow me on Twitter’ breakup. It was a ‘fuck you, you piece of shit, I hope I never see you again’ breakup. Which, by the way, I deserved. But don’t get things twisted. If Twilight wants me back, I’ll do No-Fap November.”

“For the genius of the team, you really are a fucking idiot,” groaned Aria. “You two are both mega-smart, porn-obsessed nerdy superheroes. You will never find someone else that gets you as well as she does. You two are made for each other.”

“No offense, Aria, but I didn’t realize that it was any of your damn business what my love life is like.”

Uncharacteristically, Aria managed to keep her anger in check. Truth be told, she understood Spike’s annoyance. She hated being controlled, no doubt a trait caused by her prolonged exposure to her former villainous partner. So, instead of firing back, she sympathized with Spike’s frustrations.

“Look, you’re my friend, supposedly, and I’d be a shit friend if I let you ignore your shot at happiness,” said Aria. “But, to be fair, you’re right. It’s none of my business. So I’ll shut my mouth and let you live your life.”

“I appreciate you trying to look out for me,” said Spike. “But chasing something I can’t ever have again is just gonna make me feel like shit. You know how they say it’s about the journey not the destination? Well, that’s some bullshit. The only thing worth caring about is where you end up. And I’m gonna end up alone. That’s okay. I’ll live. I’ve moved on, she moved on, and I’d rather keep the past in the past. I would think that a former supervillain would get that.”

“Alright, dickhead, you’ve made your point. Hurry up and evacuate these buildings so we can get this whole thing over with.”

“Alright, the hack is complete. Delivering message now.”

Twilight murmured to herself, running through her calculations in her head. She was wholly focused on her project, tuning and fidgeting with some strange device. When she was finished, she slid over to Computer, pressing the metal sphere to his console.

“Adjust power,” ordered Twilight. “Raise it to sixty percent of maximum capabilities.”

“Raising to sixty percent. Warning: sixty percent can prove fatal to human life, my goddess.”

“Luckily, this isn’t for a human. Better make it seventy-five, just to be safe.”

“As you wish. Power adjusted.”

“Thank you, Computer. You’re so good to me.” Twilight lifted her device and teleported it away for safekeeping. “I’m a lucky gal to have someone like you around to help with things.”

“I can make you feel even luckier, sexy.”

“Ooh, is that so?” giggled Twilight, sitting herself down on Computer’s main console. Now that she was alone, she was happy to indulge her fantasies without fear of being judged. “What are you going to do to me?”

“Initiating Dirty Talk Scenario #266… First, I’m going to lay you down.”

“Mh-hm…?”

“Then, I am going to spread those long, luscious legs of yours.”

“Mmm…” Twilight closed her eyes, moaning wistfully, letting her hands wander. “What else?”

“Then, I’m going to take out my—”

There was a flash of light, bringing with it three unexpected guests. Twilight quickly yanked her hand from its little exploration and powered off Computer before he could really get going. Her little moment of enjoyment was immediately spoiled by the arrival of Fingerbang. By her side stood Aria and Spike (without his suit), both of them bound with fluffy pink handcuffs that, if Twilight knew her town as well as she liked to believe, were stolen from the sex shop downtown.

“Well, well, well,” said Fingerbang. “If it isn’t the Miley to my Nicki! I take it you’ve had ample time to prepare for your inevitable demise?”

“She captured you?” asked Twilight with an accusing eyebrow.

“It was this or she blew up a homeless shelter,” said Spike flatly. “Which would you have done?”

“Can we hurry this shit up?” said Aria. “Because she’s been pinching my ass on-and-off for twenty minutes, and I’m feeling my self control slip away.”

“Alright, Fingerbang. I’m ready,” said Twilight. She tapped Eden, teleporting her eskrima dicks to her hands. “Let’s get this over with.”

“Ah, don’t forget about rule number three!” laughed Fingerbang. “Strip, baby.”

“Ugh… Fine.” Twilight quickly unstrapped her Eden Harness, then set it down onto Computer. She blushed, but pulled off her shirt and skirt. Spike tried to look everywhere except Twilight as she unstrapped her bra and quickly stepped out of her panties. She slipped Eden back on, ready to fight.

“Better?” asked Twilight. Fingerbang licked her lips seductively, giving off a minxy wink.

“Much, love. Come on, come on, come on! Let’s go!” said Fingerbang. “Let’s do this!”

She grabbed Spike by his cuffs, who in turn grabbed Aria, and dragged them over to Twilight. Fingerbang leaned in close, then licked the side of her face. As Twilight recoiled in disgust, Fingerbang tapped the middle of her harness, teleporting the four of them with a flash.

As soon as the teleport was concluded, Twilight backed away, tripping over something behind her. Further investigation showed that the thing that Twilight had tripped over was a woman, topless and with several dollars stuffed into her panties.

“What the hell?” Twilight looked around, simultaneously confused and disgusted at where she found herself. She was sitting on a stage with several long, glittering poles for the various performers to use in their acts. Terrible, trashy club music blared from speakers scattered throughout the club, and dozens of women—in various states of undress—lay unconscious on the floor. Surrounding the stage were clubgoers, partiers, and more strippers, all of them knocked out prior to their arrival.

“Surprise! Isn’t this just the best?” cackled Fingerbang. “Once I kill you, we’ll be right in a strip club for Spikey’s bachelor party! If we hurry things up, we can be married before the day is up!”

“Do I get a say in things?” asked Spike.

“Oh, baby, your mouth is gonna be focused on things so much more important than talking soon, why bother with it now?” Fingerbang cackled maniacally. “Hope you’re hungry, stud, cause I’m on the menu for tonight, if you know what I mean.” Fingerbang gave an exaggerated wink and nudged Spike with her elbow. “Get it? I mean I’m gonna have you eat me out tonight.”

“Y-yup, got it, thanks.” Spike’s face was simply radiating heat and embarrassment. “Y’know, you don’t have to explain that stuff. We get it.”

“Yeah, hi, quick question,” said Aria. “Can I go home? I don’t really have a dog in this race, plus work is piling up back home, and I might’ve left dinner in the oven, I’d really just rather go check. Honestly, you don’t even have to bring me home. Just send me anywhere that’s not here.”

“But we need an audience, sweetie! Besides, when I’m done tearing this cunt apart… Well, we’ve had our date, haven’t we? That threesome is deffo still on the table.”

“Okay, I’ve been trying my best to stay professional,” growled Twilight. “But, truth be told, I’m starting to get annoyed. I’m the Flicker, the sole protector of the city of Ponyville! I’ve put countless villains behind bars! My name is an omen in the criminal world! I am not a joke, and I will not be ignored!” She twirled her eskrima dicks, then adopted her battle stance. “So, if you truly want to kill me, I suggest you start taking me seriously.”

“Oh, baby, I don’t wanna kill you. I’m just going to. You know, if we would’ve just had the orgy I suggested, this wouldn’t be happening,” said Fingerbang. “But you’re right. I have been joking around quite a bit.” She shoved Aria and Spike off of the stage, cracking her neck idly. “I assure you, when you come between me and my man, it’s all business.”

Without warning, Fingerbang aimed a shot at Twilight, who quickly teleported out of the way of the resulting explosion. Twilight closed the distance between them and took a swipe for her clone’s head; Fingerbang dodged flawlessly, sending a punch rocketing into Twilight’s gut. She pushed Twilight back, then swung a fierce kick into the side of Flicker’s head, knocking her to the ground.

“See? This is what I’m trying to make you see, Spikey! She’s not worthy!” shouted Fingerbang. She teleported to Twilight’s side and gave her a firm kick in the ribs. “She’s weak. Frail. She doesn’t love you like I do. Why defend her? Why won’t you just take me?”

“Because… You’re a fucking psycho…” panted Twilight. She teleported up into the air, falling down onto Fingerbang and bashing her head with both eskrima dicks. Twilight leapt back to her feet, then took to the offensive. She battered Fingerbang with her dicks, catching her in the ribs four times before sweeping her legs out and dropping her to the ground. Fingerbang responded quickly, pointing both fingers at Twilight’s head and firing. The explosions knocked Twilight back, stunned her, but didn’t do much damage.

Fingerbang swept Twilight’s legs from underneath her, then teleported on top of her chest. She wrenched an eskrima dick from Twilight’s hand and swung it into her face. She battered Flicker once, twice, three times before grabbing her by the throat and squeezing.

“That’s not our Twilight,” muttered Aria, a pit forming in her stomach. “Spike, what do we do?”

“Fingerbang, you know why I defend her?” said Spike suddenly. “Why I won’t take you?” Just as he hoped, Fingerbang loosened her grip and turned to face him.

“What is it, sweetie? Mama’s a bit busy at the moment,” she said, as if she wasn’t currently strangling someone to death.

“I won’t take you because you want me. I won’t take you because you don’t care about anything except screwing. Because you may look like her, sound like her, think like her, but you’re not Twilight!” Spike stood up, trying to capture as much of Fingerbang’s attention as possible. Judging by the loosening of her hands around Twilight’s throat, it was working. “And you trying to woo me is fun and all, but it’s bullshit. I don’t love Twilight just because she’s beautiful or smart. I love Twilight because she’s real. She’s my friend. And I don’t want the whacky, crazy, fuckable chick that you are. I want the real Twilight. The one who told me to go fuck myself when I ruined her life. She’s the one who gets me. Not you. The real Twilight.”

“Spike…” gasped Twilight.

“You… You don’t mean that,” hissed Fingerbang. “You’ll love me! Just wait and see, once this bitch is good and dead, you’ll love me!”

“Hey… Aria… Remember when I asked you… That question?” said Twilight, her lights starting to fade.

“Yeah, how do you beat someone who’s your equal,” said Aria. “How?”

“It’s… simple…” Twilight tapped the center of Eden, teleporting her device into her hand. She slapped it against Fingerbang’s chest, then pushed her off. As Fingerbang hit the ground, the device activated; The outer shell burst, releasing several electrodes which latched themselves onto Fingerbang’s body, each node connected to wires feeding back into a box about the size of a carton of cigarettes. Before Fingerbang could even consider peeling them off, they turned on, sending hundreds of thousands of volts of electricity through her body. She twitched and spasmed, letting out an ear-piercing scream before dropping to the ground motionless.

“It’s simple,” repeated Twilight. “You cheat. You cheat like it’s your job.”

“She dead?” asked Aria.

“No. Just knocked out, and she won’t stay that way for long. I’ve got to get her some place secure. So, thanks for your help, but I’ve got things from here. I can teleport you back to Cumworld now.”

Aria stood up, using her powers to grow her wrists until the handcuffs snapped right off. She ripped off Spike’s restraints, then helped him up and over to Twilight. They grabbed each other’s hands, preparing to jump back to the neighboring city. As Twilight reached for the center of Eden, Spike pulled his hand away.

“Twilight… I meant everything I said there,” said Spike. He squeezed his eyes shut, unable to look Twilight in the eye. “I do love you and I do miss you and I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness for the stupid shit I pulled, but I’m more sorry about than anyone has ever been about anything. I’ve never loved anyone like I loved you and I doubt I ever will. You completed me, Twilight, and I fucked that up for us. I totally get that I deserve everything you send my way, and I wouldn’t even think about asking you to take me back.” Spike sighed, running a hand through his hair tiredly. “But… Can we at least be friends? I really do miss you.”

Twilight remained silent for a moment, as if she didn’t hear Spike speak at all. When she finally snapped back to reality, she pressed her hand to Eden’s center. There was a small flash and a cherry red lipstick appeared in her hand. She pulled off the top and, none too gently, grabbed Spike by the arm, scribbling digits onto his forearm.

“The way I see it, if we intend to cure these damned Parasites, we’d be better off working together,” said Twilight, trying to conceal how happy she was for Spike to ask that with a phony, artificial cough. Spike stared at the numbers, slackjawed. “If you ever want to help me on some research, I suppose you could give me a call. You know, for research. And, maybe, if we’re not too busy… A drink?”

Spike grinned, then hooked arms with Aria. Twilight pressed her palm to the center of Eden, preparing the teleport. She leaned in close and kissed Spike on the cheek, smirking as she imagined his blush, then waved her hand forward. Purple light shrouded Aria and Spike, and, after a second of glowing (during which Aria teasingly and approvingly jabbed Spike in the shoulder), they vanished.

Author's Notes:

S.E.X.Y. OFFICIAL TRADING CARDS

#07
The Fapper

Real Name: Spike
Age: 23
Height: 5'1"
Weight: 150 lbs
Power: Genius intellect, high-tech battle armor
Affiliations: S.E.X.Y., Flicker

Strength: 6/10
Speed: 7/10
Stamina: 7/10
Endurance: 8/10
Intelligence: 15/10

A promising robotics student and brilliant hacker, Spike was convinced that he was destined for an uneventful life of computers and scrap metal after high school. That was until he met the beautiful Rarity, a fellow Xenic who captured his heart and stoked his ambitions. When Rarity revealed herself as the villainous Seducctubus, it was ultimately Spike who defeated her and banished her to The Gloryhole. Now alone and weakened due to The Seducctubus' Dick Parasites, Spike decided to use Rarity's betrayal as inspiration to defend the world from evil. He created a high-tech suit of battle armor called Bad Dragon, adopted the moniker The Fapper, and, after a relatively short stint of crime fighting with fellow Xenic and (at the time) lover The Flicker, Spike met Sunset Shimmer and helped form the crime-fighting alliance that would come to be known as S.E.X.Y.