Aria yawned, rolling her way out of bed tiredly. The neon clock that Spike had inserted into the wall displayed the current time, 3:34 AM. Aria wanted to go back to sleep, to be rested for her patrol in the morning, but she knew it was pointless. She was always a night owl, and the only thing that could potentially send her back to sleep would be a tall glass of water.

Even weeks later, Aria still couldn’t believe that she was a superhero now. Or that she was on a team called S.E.X.Y. Or that she lived under an abandoned porn shop called Cumworld. What was most unbelievable to Aria was how much she enjoyed it all.

Aria quietly tiptoed out of her room, past Sunset’s bedroom and Spike’s lab. She slid the door open and stepped into living room.

“H-hiya, Aria,” said Pinkie, unsteadily balancing on one foot. “You're up late.”

“What the hell are you doing?” asked Aria.

“Er… I was going to the kitchen to grab a snack, and I tripped, but I caught myself! But I caught my foot on a nail or something in the floor aaaaaand I ripped my suit.”

“Uh-huh. And the flamingo stance is for…?”

“I can't put my foot down or else I'd touch the floor,” said Pinkie sheepishly. “And I'd… go off.”

“More like ‘get off’. Just… I dunno, bite your shirt or something. Keep it quiet,” said Aria. She strolled into the kitchen, poured herself a glass of water, and took a sip. “Problem solved.”

“Um… Nope. Problem un-solved. See, I don't think you get how hard that would hit me.” Pinkie slowly sat herself down, keeping her foot up over her head. “Even normal people have sensitive feet. With my condition… I wouldn't be able to stop cumming for at least two hours. And then I might end up destroying the house.”

“How did you end up like this?”

“Gather ‘round, children, and you shall spy,” said Pinkie. “The outrageous tale of Pinkie Pie!”

Aria shook her head, but took a seat on the floor across from Pinkie anyway. If this story was half as strange as she expected, she could go ahead and kiss sleep goodbye.

“Alright, I'm game,” said Aria. “Lemme hear it. What’s your story, Pie?”

“My parents said I was born a perfectly healthy little twinkie-pinkie, and that I started off normal. Well, mostly normal. They knew I was Xenic, even if they didn't know what to call it. Most folks don't. They said I was touched by God, blessed by angels, so on, so on,” said Pinkie. She rested her leg on Aria’s shoulder, propping her ankle up on her new crime fighting partner. “I was just sensitive, got hurt easily, but that was okay. I had two big sisters to keep me safe. I hit puberty, and then bam! Everything I touched, the floor, my clothes, heck, even a strong breeze had me going ahegao.”

“The hell is that?”

“It's a hentai thing. You know, like anime porn!” Pinkie rolled her eyes back, letting her tongue loll out of her mouth. “Like that. That's when you really get your world rocked. It’s where I get my hero name from. Anyway, Ma and Pa took me to the doctors, and they basically told me I was up a creek. There was nothing they could do. The best option was surgery; They were going to saw open my head, just pop me like a can of soda, and slice out the part of my brain that let me feel pleasure.”

“That sounds goddamn terrible.”

“Yeah, well, it was better than cumming for the rest of my life. But… they gave me the sleepy-time gas, and went to put me under the knife. Problem was, I still came. Even in my sleep.”

“Damn. That's raw,” said Aria. She tried to imagine being in Pinkie’s place, and she couldn’t properly wrap her head around how difficult it must be to live your life in fear of what you might touch next.

“Well, it wasn’t all bad. After surgery was a bust, we tried physical therapy. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t, but that’s not what was special. What was special was who I met during therapy,” said Pinkie, a smile creeping to her lips. “Fluttershy was a social mute. She couldn’t talk in front of anyone, not even her parents. We used to see each other in the waiting room, and one day I noticed that she was watching me bounce, so I smiled and ran over to her and I started talking and talking and talking… Well, you know how I get.”

“Don’t I just…”

“She showed me her powers, she could only go invisible then, and I showed her my strength. We became friends, even though she couldn’t talk and I couldn’t stop talking. I used to say that I spoke for the both of us. One day, she was over at my house, on the farm I lived on. We were sitting beneath a little cliff face, just enjoying the day, when a rock fell from above us. Would’ve crushed me to a pancake if Shy wasn’t there. She shouted my name, caught the rock with one of her shields. She’d never done either of those things before, but she seemed so relieved. She hugged me and… Nothing happened. I didn’t cream my panties or feel a blast of pleasure. That’s when I knew that we’d be friends forever. And I was right!”

“Wait, what? It just didn’t happen?” asked Aria. “Why not?”

“Well, truth be told, it was probably just the adrenaline. I felt all tingly and numb afterwards, but as a kid, I didn’t know any better. I just thought that, somehow, Shy would be able to cure me. It didn’t hurt when I fell in love with her.” Pinkie blushed slightly, shaking her head. “Anyway, after that, we met Spike a while after high school, then Sunny a bit after that. Spike invented this suit for me so I could walk around and be at least kinda normal.”

“Yeah, I’ve been wondering about that. How does it work?”

“It’s some sort of space-age polymer or dark matter or something, I dunno. Spike is the nerd around here, you should ask him.” Pinkie tugged gently on her suit. “But, basically how it works is that the suit hovers just around me, so it's not actually touching my skin. The mask I wear has a gas that's kinda like an anti-aphrodisiac so I don't accidentally get myself going, and the metal parts are to help me keep my hands to myself.”

“Makes sense. Well, thanks for the chat, but I’ve got patrol in the morning,” said Aria with a yawn. “I’m headed to sleep.”

“Hey, could you do me a favor?” asked Pinkie. “Could, pretty-please with a cherry on top, carry me to my bed?”

“Or, here’s a thought, I could not do that.”

“Pwease? I wanna snuggle with Fluttershy. My little daisy.”

“Could you not?” retched Aria. “You’re gonna make me hurl. How about this: I go get Fluttershy, and she can come carry you. Sound good?”

“I dunno if you noticed, but I’m not exactly a small girl. I got big bones,” said Pinkie. “Shy doesn’t have strength like other Xenics. She couldn’t lift me if she tried. Besides, I don’t wanna wake her up. Please? Please? Pretty, pretty, pretty please?”

“Ugh! Fine!” Aria scooped Pinkie up and rose to her feet, struggling to keep them both up. Holding her wedding-style, Aria carried Pinkie to the KEEP OUT door. She tried the door, which didn’t budge.

“Whoops, sorry,” said Pinkie. “It only opens for me, Shy, and Sunny. Here, swing me around towards the handle.” Aria did as Pinkie said, and she grabbed the door. It buzzed, then swung open. “There ya go. Thanks, Ari.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Aria slowly carried the decidedly “big-boned” Pinkie down the hall. After a few moments of silence, Pinkie decided to break the monotony.

“So… I told you mine, now you tell me yours,” said Pinkie.

“My what?”

“Your backstory, silly! I wanna hear about you.”

Aria grunted, trying to shift Pinkie in a way that made it more comfortable to hold her and walk down the long, dark, narrow hallway.

“What makes you think that I have one?” asked Aria, trying to evade the questioning.

“Heroes always have at least one backstory. Villains sometimes have around four or five,” said Pinkie. “By my calculations, you should have, like, seven. C’mon, just tell me your story! How’d you meet Hip-No-Tits? What’s your deal?”

Aria let out a sigh, trying to get her thoughts together in her head. She knew Pinkie well enough by now to say with absolute certainty that the subject wouldn’t be dropped anytime soon. The best thing for Aria to do was to tell the story as quickly as she could.

“Alright, alright. The way my power works… The extra mass wasn’t always in my butt,” said Aria with a tried sigh. “It used to go wherever it wanted, and it apparently wanted me to have no social life. It went wherever would be the ugliest. I had big feet, a big head, big nose, just some hideous deformities. I moved from town to town, switching schools to get away from the stares. At some point, I ran away from home, ended up in Canterlot, and met Dag. It was middle school and…”

Memories flashed in Aria’s mind, things she hadn’t remembered until just then. She stopped in her tracks, nearly buckling under the sudden wave of mental activity. She slowly dropped down, laying Pinkie on the floor and clutching her head.

“Not middle school. Before that…”

“Are you okay?” asked Pinkie. “You don’t look too good.”

“I… I think that, when your girl was dancing around in my head, she knocked something loose,” said Aria quietly. “I’m remembering stuff I didn’t remember before. Repressed memories. It was fourth grade when I met Adagio. She… She showed me her dance. Put me under her control, but subtly. So she could activate it later. She followed me around, and when we settled down in Canterlot City. She… she convinced me to help her commit crimes. Got me to trust her. She was my friend. She wanted me to be at her side so she could throw me under the bus if things got rough. But I guess her powers started to wear off, cause when she left me with Kink…” Aria took in a shaky breath. “That bitch! She used me! That manipulative, evil little snake!”

“Whoa. Dude, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it’d hit you like this,” said Pinkie. “We can stop talking about it now if you want.”

“She’s after something… She’s been looking for something for a while,” said Aria. “Something about… a gloryhole?”

“The Gloryhole? Spike knows about it,” said Pinkie. “Won’t tell me, though. Maybe you should talk to him about it.”

“Y-yeah. Thanks, Pie. I needed that.” Aria scooped Pinkie up and rose to her feet. “Cleared my head.” She carried Pinkie the rest of the way in silence.

Pinkie’s room was a mess, with bits of trash and debris littering the floor. To the back of the room was a large bed, where Fluttershy slept peacefully. As Aria stepped for the bed, Pinkie’s eyes went wide, and she slapped her hand firmly over Aria’s eyes.

“Ah! What the hell?” demanded Aria.

“I totally forgot! Fluttershy sleeps in the nude!” said Pinkie. “You can’t look!”

“I’m not gonna look. No offense, but your girl ain’t exactly my type.”

“Not taking any chances!”

“Damn it, Pie, how am I supposed to get you to bed?!” Aria stumbled forward blindly, nearly tripping over some litter in her path. “Look, I promise not to look. Okay?”

“Pinkie Promise.”

“I pinkie promise.”

“No! You pinkie promised. I need you to Pinkie Promise!” said Pinkie. Aria’s patience was starting to wear thin.

“What the hell does that even mean?!”

“You gotta say the rhyme! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”

After all of the blatant insanity in her life in these past few weeks, Aria didn’t think she could ever be taken by surprise again. Pinkie Pie had, not for the last time, proven her wrong.

“Fine. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my frigging eye,” grumbled Aria. “Can you move your hand now?” After a moment of consideration, Pinkie moved her hand, letting Aria see that the bed was now empty.

“She goes invisible in her sleep sometimes,” said Pinkie. “Hurry up, before she comes back!” Aria shook her head and, moving as quickly as she could with the addition of Pinkie’s weight. She unceremoniously dropped Pinkie onto the bed, falling to her floor in exhaustion.

“There, you’re in bed,” panted Aria. “Happy?”

“Thanks, Ari! See you in the morning!” said Pinkie brightly. Aria stood up and headed for the door. “And, just so you know… If you ever wanna talk about things… I’m here to listen. Maybe we can unblock more of your memories.”

Aria paused in her stride for a moment. This was different for her. The only friend she’d ever had was Adagio, and now her memories of her were being corrupted. Somehow, though, Aria wasn’t afraid of Pinkie hypnotizing her in secret for years before throwing her under the bus. She smirked slightly, then continued on her way to the exit.

“I’ll be sure to let you know. Night, Pie.”

Author's Notes:

S.E.X.Y. OFFICIAL TRADING CARDS

#04
The Hip-No-Tits

Real Name: Adagio Dazzle
Age: <UNKNOWN>
Height: <UNKNOWN>
Weight: <UNKNOWN>
Power: Mind-controlling belly dancing
Affiliations: <NONE>

Strength: 7/10
Speed: 6/10
Stamina: 5/10
Endurance: 4/10
Intelligence: 8/10

A master manipulator, Adagio Dazzle always had a way of getting what she wanted from people. When flirting and her feminine wiles failed, she resorted to the use of her spell-binding hips, a single dance capable of putting a person completely under her influence. Her origins are shrouded in mystery, though her evil is very much so visible. She seeks something called The Gloryhole, intending to use it to take control of the world. Cold, calculating, and unfeeling, she shows no care for those under her spell, and views people near to her as disposable. Though her attempts at power are relatively young, she has already made powerful enemies in the form of The Ass Master and the other heroes of S.E.X.Y. The Hip-No-Tits is unconcerned, all of her focus on The Gloryhole and infinite power...