“With all due respect Your Highness… this idea is downright stupid. Even dangerous if there are truly raiders out here!” My personal lead guard stated as we were casually standing on top of a cliff. Overlooking the sands and canyons behind us, and the edges of the steppes to the south.

I grinned. “I know, right? This is exactly why we're doing it in the first place. Just the four of us. Not counting Uxie, as he is mostly zipping about the place and examining everything. Also, could you move a little bit closer to me? I made you my personal parasol carrier for a reason. This sun isn’t exactly good for my skin, in case you didn’t know.” I stated while pointing at the guy. Not just as a sun shield, but also because of the fact that thing was equipped with a sharp Iron tip at the end for some good old stabby stabby.

Even something as innocent in concept as parasols are made to be effective murder weapons in these lands. I don’t know if I should love these Zebra’s or just respect them?

Maybe a bit of both.

Death by a parasol, now that's something I can get behind.

Either way, I happily sighed with satisfaction when the cooling embrace of the parasol's finally encased me in its protective shadow. Funny to say for someone who had previously lived in a rather warm and humid before trading it for something almost as similar. Only a lot dryer and with a lot less mosquitoes.

Anyway, I heard the lead guard next to me sigh after a while as I continued to just stand there with a huge grin on my face as I literally waited for something to happen. At least the view was great. Being able to see for miles in all directions is certainly something I can never get enough of.

If only I had a chair to sit down on so I didn't have to just stand around like this to enjoy the scenery.

Note to self: Bring a chair with me no matter where I go from this point on. And sitting down on one of these rocks is certainly not going to be a pleasant idea either. I like to keep my nuts un-roasted, thank you very much. I still need them… for something.

But enough silly thoughts and stupid distractions. Let's just get back to the task at hand in doing absolutely nothing while sticking out like a sore thumb on top of a cliff face.

I might move DOWN the cliff, for added variety and extra scenes. Because standing around doing absolutely nothing is not exactly entertaining. Especially for those invisible peoples.

“Welp, time to continue on I guess. This view is nice, but I also want to explore. Dumb tourist style of course. To see every crack on every rock and to count every dung beetle I come across who are busy rolling their dungs across the arid landscape. I certainly didn’t come all the way out here for absolutely nothing. Plus, my legs are starting to feel numb, too. I should probably get moving regardless.” I announced before finally bringing my threats to this unclaimed world into reality.

The guard holding the parasol of course tried to follow swiftly, with a hint of difficulty as I was moving just a bit to fast for him for his three legs.

I mean who can blame him? Wait, I can. These guys are trained to use Sarissa’s during combat for God's sake! So something smaller like a parasol shouldn’t be too much of a problem.

It only feels heavy when you think that it feels heavy. Like how you shouldn’t think about the pain when you are in pain. Or just take some painkillers to do the job for you if your own mental fortitude doesn’t suffice.

But whatever. I doubt that a few painkillers are going to make this guard move a tad bit faster, so that I can constantly stay within the shade of my expensively bought parasol. Because silk isn’t cheap, and neither was the shaft apparently. Being made from imported wood or something.

“Uxie, now don’t go hovering off too far ahead of us while chucking rocks at moles and desert goats. Those are not the enemies of the state you should be throwing rocks at. So stop, I'd still like for some of them to survive for my own personal zoo I'm planning to possibly build in the future. The Palace is certainly large enough to house a personal zoo, so I'm going to make use of some of its unused spaced for something equally large and unnecessary. Like a zoo, in my own Palace.” I called out after him as he flew off. Making a bee line for the path down the cliff side which I was aiming for as well.

A path which was leading us down to a very beautiful looking oasis surrounded by cliffs. The water in particular looked absolutely crystal clear from up here. Even more so under the harsh and glaring sun of the Zebrican desert.

“Ooh, I think we might just have discovered the Great Valley. I wonder if little foot and his gang are somehow down there as well? This would certainly give my future zoo a bit more pizzazz if that is the case. Just imagine the number of tourists this will attract. With all of their kids and money.” I commented with a distant smile as I casually walked down the cliff face to reach the oasis down below.

True to my word though, the oasis itself was fairly protected from the elements. Being flanked on all possible sides by very tall cliffs and canyons. A little hidden world if I ever saw one. A perfect spot for someone like me to retreat to, to live my days out as a hermit when my days of being the king are starting to be too stressful.

Or, simply a little personal vacation spot if I ever feel like it. That large lake in particular looks just perfect to have a little swim in. If I had my swimming trunks of course, which I don’t, and jumping in with these thick pajama pants of mine are surely going to be a recipe for some awkward comedy. I wouldn’t be surprised if my pants alone are going to drain half of the lake when I dunk them in. But at least that would give me the perfect opportunity to do the hammer dance from MC Hammer.

Though with a lot more water covering the dance floor, or whatever surface I decided to dig my jig.

But enough thinking about dancing and really thick pants.

“Your Highness, is it alright if we go refill our flasks at the oasis there? They are all empty now since we started aimlessly wandering about the wastelands.” The lead guard whose name I still haven’t bothered to ask requested. Which in turn brought me back to the reality that I was just standing around once again even though there were a innumerable numbers of palms trees in front of me to huddle under.

Though to be fair, I was still under the wonderful protection of the parasol. So… it's pretty easy to miss that I was standing out in the open in the first place.

Time to get my ass back into gear and see if any of these palm trees and bushes have anything edible on them. I'm kinda in the mood for some sweet fruits now that I think about it.

“Well sure thing. Go ahead and do that while I and other Joe over here are going to have a bit of a look around to find ourselves a nice spot to take a rest at for a bit. Also go ahead and take the other guard with you as well. Let him have a little look around as well and see if this place has anything interesting to hide. Basically scouting around if you want to be professional.” I responded.

The guard nodded, giving his other half a non-verbal messages before leading the way to the oasis. This left me and my personal sunscreen at the foot of the cliff. But not for long, as I made my own moves to move. Moonwalk style which certainly ended up perplexing him as he slowly followed me.

And yes, I can moonwalk, so shut up. I certainly didn’t just spend most of my home alone days watching TV, bullying my neighbor and doing all kinds of things with my computer. Also spending most of my free time trying to practice some moves when all of the above didn’t occupy my attention anymore for a certain amount of time. The fruits of my in-between time labor can be clearly seen today, as I danced with an invisible tune in my head while doing the Michael Jackson.

Well, tunes ARE invisible anyway, given the nature of sound waves and all. But I don’t want to get sciencey for the sake of science right now when I am too busy watching my back in case of moon walking myself right against a trunk of a palm or right into a bush.

I am not yet ready to become one with nature in such a way. My hermit days are still too far away from me to start with that.

“Well, that was fun. Now what?” I stated once I reached my destination. Which was… somewhere at the other edge of the oasis in case someone wants to know.

I began to look around myself. Observing as the desert fauna around me gently waved within the soft desert breeze which also blew through my shirt and hair. This area really does reminded me of the “Great Valley” from “the land before fucking hairless apes” walked the good old Earth. A time where nature itself was the only ruler on Earth, until the universe decided to nuke it. Going all Fallout on that bitch and putting on his own set of power armor to mow down some mutants and fuck some Deathclaws.

Seriously though, what is it with these Fallout fans and Deathclaws?

And then the infamous rustling started.

“AHH, dinosaurs! I knew It! Quick, defend your king with your parasol and body! Your flesh is a lot more tastier than mine!" I declared, taking guard behind my guard and even pushing him a bit towards it.

The stallion was understandingly confused at first before his instincts quickly took over as he jump into action. Lowering the parasol as if it were a shield and pointing it directly at the rustling bushes in front of us.

I hate bush rustling. All thanks to the horrible experience I had as a kid when a dog suddenly jumped at me from a bush and caused me to let go of the ice cream cone I was holding. Those stupid dog owners and their throwing sticks.

I am certainly going to shove my boot now at whoever it is who is making this leaf ruckus now. No matter if it's a dinosaur, a dog, or a Deathclaw. I will not idly stand by while my childhood traumas are being relieved thanks to their actions. I will have my vengeance on them. “Koste es was es wolle”.

“Oh wait… false alarm, it's just Uxie.” I stated, as the aforementioned mentioned Pokémon suddenly peeked his big yellow head above the upper edge of the parasol with a banana in his mouth and a couple more floating behind him.

This of course made me to relax a little as another mental crisis was narrowly avoided. I will never forget that dog. NEVER, or the poor little ice cream cone I was destined to devour that day.

Rest in peace my little Ice cream cone. Rest in peace. Also bananas.

“Ooh, look at that. He brought bananas for us. Just what I needed.” I stated happily while reaching out for one, only to more or less receive all of them when Uxie simply dumped the pile directly on top of my open hand. Causing some of them to fall to the ground as well.

I hummed. “Well, note to self. Really need to allow Uxie to train with his psychic abilities in the future.” I noted out loud before peeling one of the remaining bananas in my hand and taking my first bite out of it.

It was sweet, very sweet in fact. Perhaps the sweetest banana I have ever tasted in fact. It really didn’t take me long to devour the rest of the banana before stuffing my face with another.

Yup, this little piece of paradise is certainly mine now if all its bananas taste like this. I call dibs on this hidden oasis with my kingly right. Or claim it with force if I have to. Or maybe not, I don’t want to seem like a total dick when doing so. Maybe I can buy this piece of land off from whoever called dips to it first before I got the chance to call it myself.

Money is, again, no issue for me, as I am bathing in the shit. Just chucking gold bars and oversized gem stones to whoever owns this valley and we can call it close. At some point I will most likely hit the guy's head and “accidentally” kill him because of that.

Then I can easily claim these lands for myself without having to spend a single dime.

Capitalism at its finest people. There is no better way to explain it than this. Just give me a cowboy hat and a funny Texan accident, and I am ready to fulfill my role as a hardcore capitalist.

Teddy Roosevelt will be proud, that fat fuck.

“Oh wait… I'm all out of bananas now.” I stated after I realized that it was true. My stash of bananas was gone, and so where the few which fell to the floor not too long ago with only their peels still existing.

Apparently Uxie managed to eat the rest while I was eating mine. Proven by the fact that he was just finishing off the last banana he had and chucking the peel over his shoulder like a true human being.

Like giving absolutely zero fucks about the environment and just throwing his trash wherever he pleased.

I am so proud of him.

“Say, could you maybe go fetch us some more bananas nearby? I'm sure wherever you found these there is bound to be…” I was about to say before an arrow flying past my face quickly stopped me from finishing my sentence.

I froze, following its trajectory and seeing it casually sticking from a palm tree trunk which was right next to me.

I raised an eyebrow at it. “Well… didn’t realize that my plan of being the bait would work so freaking soon. But then again, I wasn’t exactly prepared for it either as I have no idea what to do if a gang or local raiders do show up. Damn I think I should have really thought this through some more before committing to this horrible idea. Yet again another blunder from yours truly.” I commented while rubbing my chin.

Well, I would have loved to rub it anyway when another arrow sipped past us. This one actually narrowly avoided the parasol guard behind me which did the trick and gave him a momentary fright before once again springing into action.

“Your Highness, get behind me!” He shouted before positioning himself directly where these two shots had come from.

Only problem was that the arrows now also started coming from behind us as well. Making his brave attempt useless. Not that it would have matter in the end regardless, as I doubt that a silk-woven parasol would last long against an entourage of arrows.

Yup, it didn’t, when the sixth arrow fired at us went right through the parasol’s fabric when my last remaining guard was trying to shield himself with it.

The goose is cooked, and not very well I might add as I was still trying to process what the heck was happening around me and where the heck where these arrows coming from. Not the most healthy thing to consider when you are literally standing at the open while arrows are flying all around you.

In fact… they are just flowing around me. Not one seemed to be directly aimed at me, or my guard over here.

Either these raiders need better optics or they are purposely missing us for some tactical reason. One that geared more toward intimidation rather than outright murder.

“Uhm...” I stated when the arrows suddenly stopped flying. Still standing at the same exact spot where I ate all of those bananas by myself. The banana peels around me were proof of that, along with a couple of arrows sticking in the ground.

“Hmm… I think they finally run out of arro-" I was about to say before one more arrow came flying down from a nearby palm tree and raced directly towards my poor guard number 5752 who didn’t even at the time to block with his parasol in hopes of blocking it.

There was neither time nor reason for him to even give out a grunt as the arrow impacted directly onto his helmet. Sending the poor guy flying in the opposite direction before coming to a step right next to the same palm tree where the first arrow landed.

I was of course frozen stiff at that before I quickly realized that it was just a practice arrow of some sort. The arrow head being nothing more than a dummy with a ball shaped tip on top of it.

This of course was good. Well good for me as I don’t have to partake in another funeral so very soon, but also bad for him as he is going to get the mother of all headaches if he ever wakes up.

Now this obviously left me with only me and Uxie standing alone against and unknown number of…

Wait… where exactly was he? I could have sworn that he was still next to me a moment ago when the first arrow was fired.

Shit… he skedaddled off. The little snitch. But alas, who can blame him. He is but a mere child after all for all I know. So having him run… or rather fly off out of danger is better than staying here and getting captured.

I, on the other hand, believe that the time of running was long gone. Plus, I really doubt that I would get far with this heart beating down my skinny form. Or rather, I just don’t wanna run away with the sun beating down against my back in general.

So I simply did the best thing I could think off and raised my arms in a sign that I was ready to give up. These fuckers don’t seemed to be acting with lethal force, so there is certainly some hope for me yet that all shall be well.

Well as well as someone can be when someone is shooting training arrows at you that can still knock you out. But whatever, my apparent attackers were finally revealing themselves from their covers which negated all worries about me getting knocked out next.

At least with an arrow.

They were Gryphons. How do I know? Well, because of their pussy backsides that’s why. Everything else on their bodies though was covered in thick fabrics, to most likely protect against the relentless heat of the Zebrican sun.

Smart, I should probably do that as well the next time I come out here. If there is a next to that is, well… let's hope that my plot armor also holds up here. It would certainly be a tragedy if my story as a king ends here, and I suddenly become the ring leader of a gang instead.

Though such a prospect could be seen as excited as well. Me, the ringleader of a gang. Now there is something to think about.

But not now, especially when two of them quickly approached me wordlessly, with robes clutched in between their claws and tying me up almost just as fast. Same with my knocked out parasol guard, who then was swiftly flown off to God knows where.

One of the Gryphon signaled me to follow him or her. Which I did, wordlessly, especially when arrows where being pointed at me from more Gryphons up above me.

Welp, guess I am going to get carted off to Helgen after all. I just hope that this world's version of Alduin is going to show its big black face as well to save me from executions. Or maybe even Thomas the Tank Engine if we want to be funny.

Hope it is Thomas. Because flying off towards the sunset would never be as cool as doing it with a small blue tank engine with a face.

I should patent this idea before someone else does. I am going to redefine pop-culture with this. Just you wait and see.

Author's Notes:

A little heads up to all of my reader. I started off a new story on a completely different site because it is not pony related what so ever.

If you like a fic inspired by Pokemon Mystery Dungeon, and what to see yet another story about Alexander being a living talking rose?

Then check out the fic here. https://archiveofourown.org/works/18528397/chapters/43914391