“I think he’s not digesting the coconut tea so well. He looks rather… stiff now ever since he took his first sip of it.” I heard one of the servants behind me whisper as I was indeed busy being stiff and staring down into my half empty cup of coconut tea that was given to me.

This bloody thing was delicious, the creamy taste, the overall flavor or coconut milk itself and the added sweetening of sugar cane made sugar is just turning this previously normal expecting taste into something which could almost rival my lust for some good old cappuccino.

Almost.

Alas, I did what had to be done when faced with this mind blowing realization. Taking full advantage of it and emptying the remaining content in my cup with one big gulp and immediately demanding more from the servants behind me, who of course flinched back in absolute shock at my quick and smooth transition from one to the other.

Peoples should pay me for such a performance. It's not like you can watch a man twist his torso so freaking quickly everyday. Especially when said man is as magnificent as me. Black pajama pants and ruffled up hair and all. But alas, I am here on a diplomatic mission rather than performing circus acts and asking for donations.

I have enough gold and riches to drown myself ten times over back at my over-sized estate to start caring about money. But then again, you can never have enough money after all. So this idea of me performing never before seen feats of bodily movements for a reasonable amount of money is certainly something to file into the “great ideas for the future” section of my mind. But for now, let's just focus back on the matter at hand before I make myself more of a fool in front of these fine gentlemen.

Well, more so then I’ve done already.

I turned my attention back to Solum after receiving my second cup of tea and downing it down almost immediately afterwards before requesting another without even looking.

“So as you have previously guessed during our previous discussion, I did come here for a very specific purpose. One which is crucial in keeping the peace within these lands.” I began, before taking another sip of my newly filed tea cup and almost emptying it as well.

Solum was of course curious to my statement as he mimicked me. Taking a sip of his tea as well and allowing me to continue.

“It is about Tenojek, and the accusations he made about your son having possible kidnapped his daughter after his diplomatic mission. I just wished to know your side of the story.” I finally announced.

This question caused Solum to almost choke on his tea as he slammed one of his hooves against his chest to clear his air pipes from his tea. Servants nearby where of course rushing over to him to try and assist in his struggles. But he quickly waved them off before finally regaining both of his composure and right to breath as a living being.

A huffed for a couple of moment before switching his attention back to me.

“Wait...you mean to say that you have been to the Stepped Riders before coming here? Well, that at least explains the direction you and your caravan hailed from.” The old man responded.

He composed himself first before continuing. “If you are here to accuse my own son of kidnapping that hard head’s daughter then I sadly must disappoint you. I know my son and know for a fact that he would never stoop so low as to abduct anyone. Even if I tell him to do so. He is to much of a… playcolt I guess is the term, to bother himself with so much trouble. He is far better with his tongue then he is with a blade. That’s why I sent him forth that day to deal with the ongoing dispute I have with Tenojek about the copper-rich canyons that lay right between us. The thing is, my tribe is making most of its profits by mining nearby sources of ore and then selling it all across the lands. The rugged, deep cliffs and canyons dotting these lands are quite rich in ore. Iron, copper, zinc, and even traces of silver are what my tribe has been mining for many generations. The issue I have with this Tenojek is simply that he claims ownership of this new large copper vain to the south west, even though it lies closer to us then it does to them. They are already wealthy enough on their own thanks to their numerous caravans moving goods all across the lands. So taking claim of something that normally should belong to us in both profession and trade is just foolish in my eyes. We have the miners, not them.” Solum stated, pretty much doing the same things as Tenojek, and just dumping me with so much exposition in one go that it must look pretty horrible if you actually write it down.

Either way, despite his long ass response, it was still easy to understand what the fuck he was bitching about. Just your typical land dispute with a sense of “business” tagged behind it.

Despite being more of a tribal organization, these Zebras are actively practicing the art of good old Capitalism to a T, without them even knowing it.

I would normally be complaining about how American influence has somehow snakes its way into this otherworldly society as well. But I of course needed to focus more on the information at hand. Or rather, the lack of it, as I am still completely completely clueless about Tenojek’s daughter's whereabouts.

Maybe his son can give me some clues, if it really wasn’t him that took Tenojek's daughter, that is.

“Say, can I maybe speak with your son about any possible information regarding Tenojek’s daughter, and if he might have seen her or even talked to her while he was there. I’d like to get his end of the story as well.” I requested.

Solum shook his head though, to my surprise. “That is actually the second issue I am dealing with. My son hasn’t returned from his diplomatic trip as well, making ME think that he might have been held hostage by my southern rivals. But after having heard your story, I doubt that this is the case.” He responded.

This was certainly an outcome I was not expecting. His son missing as well? This is certainly not how the Trojan war started. It was supposed to be just the kidnapping of one, not two.

This is certainly annoying. Especially for such a big history buff like myself… and of course for the sadness of now having two missing persons instead of just one.

Gotta set my priorities straight here as to what I should feel the most annoyed by. Telling him that I felt more annoyed of the fact that this isn’t exactly like Troy now would probably be a bad thing. But then again, I really doubt that he even knows what Troy is or the Iliad at all.

Unless this world also has its own version of Homer Simpson. In that case hope that he will be a citizen of a far away country instead of mine. I really don’t need idiocy, but rather more ridiculousy instead. If that’s even a word.

But alas, it doesn’t matter, like with so many other unrelated thoughts and ideas running through my skull that are completely unnecessary to have in the many different scenarios I somehow find myself in on an almost daily basis.

Like this one for example. Better start making a respond quickly before this old man over there can start questioning the intricacy of my highly complex psyche. Or rather, the lack of attention I am showing at such a critical discussion about border disputes and missing children. Good thing that both Penelope and Uxie were here to momentarily divert the chieftain’s attention away from me during my monologues, by being just as light headed as they usually are.

Like, Uxie doing the whole “floaty play” thing which of course drew most of the room’s attention. It's certainly not everyday where you get to see two individual giving the laws of physics the big middle finger.

So this was my chance to save face while everyone was distracted. All according to plan… I think.

“So… your own son hasn’t returned from his trip as well? Interesting, quite interesting.” I openly stated, which caused everyone to focus their attention back onto me.

Specifically Solum, who in turn raised an eyebrow at this. “Uhm… interesting?” He responded.

I nod. “Well yes, having two missing sons and daughters from two rival tribes is very interesting indeed. It could certainly be possible that these two had possibly enough of your ongoing bickery and just decided to simply escape all of it by venturing off into the big wide world together. A life filled with both challenges and and equally amount of romance. A typical beginning of every cheesy love story out there. Probably even in this world.” I theorized with a smile.

Solum on the other hand just gave me a ‘WTF, that is bullshit’ type of expression which was certainly unexpected. I wasn’t aware that such dramatic expressions were even possible in this world, let alone with a full beard combo. Well, almost full beard, as I can still see his mouth clearly within his forest of gray colored facial hair.

But besides that. It was obviously time to backtrack now, before I’m forced to somehow pull a camera out of nowhere and take a picture of this glorious piece of art.

My cell phone actually has a camera on it, hut I sadly left it back at the castle alongside a quarter of my attention span. Damn, I’m really bad at this. Stop thinking about unrelated stupid things and focus more on the actual task at hand. Or rather, stop thinking at all just to be sure. Though this idea is a double bladed sword on its own. As proven shortly.

“Piggy ping buttocks.” I boldly, or rather randomly stated while raising a finger to the air.

Told you that turning off you brain completely was a terrible idea.

Time to re-engage my brain again before I accidentally say something that would contradict the existence of all reality and logic.

Like with the whole chicken and the egg paradox. Knowing the full truth of what truly came first would surely make anyone brain dead in mere seconds. Mostly because of the actual answer for it being so damn boring and disappointing.

Just like with my first ever trip to Disneyland. When I accidentally learned that the persona playing as Minnie Mouse’s inside its costume was actually a guy, and not a chick.

My believes and sense of reality were forever shattered that day, along with my intentions of every returning to THAT particular Disneyland… in Paris, France. But the others are still pretty much ok in my book. I always wanted to visit Hong Kong just so that I can get through my world shattering experience all over again. One piece of sanity at a time.

“Either way, jokes aside...” I suddenly began, trying to divert attention from the previous comment with a new one. “...It could also be possible that the two were somehow abducted by a third party. Maybe a gang of raiders, bandits, or another group of misfits or gangsters? It would certainly make sense to think so, considering the fact on just how sparsely populated these lands really are. Anyone can easily disappear here if they wanted too. It's not too hard to do once you leave the safeties of these walls. Same with any other area on this continent. Especially when we’re talking about a desert.” I theorized, while also trying to take this job a little bit more seriously instead of adding in some shitty-ass love cliché bullshit into every story I do.

God knows that there are certainly enough of those from where I came from. The internet is full of grindy little love shack tales and some of the nastiest fetishes you can imagine.

Like fucking somewhere in a savanna bush or an old sand dune. Which Nami and Najero actually did. A memory which will now sadly never leave my subconscious mind thanks to psychology.

Shocking and surprising scenes always have the tendency to stick within someone's mind, like a well-chewed bubblegum on a hot sidewalk. Those sticky bastards.

Either way, Solum on his part looked rather thoughtful at my given alternative, which was exactly what I wanted him to do in order to forget my previous theory. He hummed to himself before finally adding his own piece towards my theory.

“Well… it's possible, raiders are certainly a possibility. Especially since more and more foreigners are trudging through these lands, like with those Gryphons my scout have spotted further south.” He commented while rubbing his chin.

Now it was my turn to rub my chin, mostly on the memory I had about those Gryphon poachers I encountered a while back. This could actually be a possibility, I mean if there's one group of poachers doing their mischievous deeds throughout these lands, then who can say that there aren’t more out there doing the same fucking thing.

I mean the name Gryphon alone is giving me all kinds of ideas. From what I know, those bird-cat hybrids are omnivorous in nature, just like me. Needing both the vitamins of fruits and vegetables and the fats and iron from meat. Any meat really, perhaps even Zebra meat for the more extreme quadruped birds.

But I am once again just pulling shit out of my ass to make these seem or sound a lot more dramatic than it really needs to be. I doubt that eating another sapient species is socially accepted with these different races. Unless, they want a war in their hands, claws, paws, hooves or whatever smart animals they are.

This is certainly another question I need to follow whenever I have the time to even remember it in the first place. Like how many different races and species are out there, and what their overall diets are.

Being a full-blooded carnivore could certainly lead to a species that has terrible relations with everyone. Being possible warlike as well, similar to the Spartans or some other warrior-focused society back in my world.

I wonder how that would look in a world such as this. Four-legged Spartans. Silly but adorable. In context at least.

Either way, I loudly mumbled some undecipherable gibberish as I continued to exercise this idea of raiders having kidnapped both Solum’s son and Tenojek’s daughter.

This certainly has gotten a lot more complex than I wanted it to be. If I had known this beforehand, then I would have certainly stayed back in Achaemidia and be all lazy and shit. Let these two old-timers murder each other over some silly ol’ land dispute and a general misunderstanding of two kids going rough.

Then, when everything was said and done, I could have simply swept through what was left of their strongholds and taken full control over their tribesman myself.

Cruel, deceptive and assholery, but effective.

Sometimes certain sacrifices must be made for the greater good of a whole nations. Even when it means doing absolutely nothing, because I am kinda terrible in doing almost anything unless some huge amount of luck is involved.

Which it kinda is on my side of things. Lets not circle jerk around a circle here and say that it was all skill and no luck.

Or was it skill? Sometimes, I even surprise myself with the unknown capabilities I seem to possess. I was pulled from my world to this one because these midget horses were trying to bring in the next bloodline of their previous bloodline.

I personally have no idea what this means but what I do know is that their is a lot of blood involved. If I didn’t know any better then I would have guessed that the previous Monkey Kings where all vampires. Until you realize that the city is located in a middle of a desert where the sun always shines.

The very last place where a vampire really wants to be. A freaking desert, or rather continent where it’s all warm and bright. Vampire Hell, basically. So no epic vampire lord form for me then.

Buggers.

Crap, I am getting distracted again. Curse me and my thousand-hour playthrough of Skyrim. I guess getting zapped into this world truly was a good thing… minus becoming an instant king of course. Otherwise I would have done the same things with the Elders Scrolls 6 and burned through my monthly coffee provision faster than my personal finances allowed. Which wasn’t much in case someone was wondering.

I quickly shook my head after that last thought. Getting up from my crossed sitting position and throwing the bronze made tea cup over my shoulders for some extra drama. To bad that one of the tea kettle-carrying servants was standing right behind me, which created a much louder ruckus than I originally thought that a small bronze cup could be capable off.

No matter, this is spilled coconut tea we are talking about. Not spilled coffee. So there's no need for either a justified tantrum scene or a “Schrei Krampf” as I am more prone to do.

Time to stop wasting time and do something productive for a change that can get this bloody story going, if I ever bother to write a diary about myself and my daily exploits in these lands.

Maybe I should hire a scribe or historian who will constantly follow me around in order to do all of my in depth recording for me.

Yeah… yeah I should probably do that so that I don’t make myself look like such a madman constantly. At least, not more than I already am.

“Ok, then it’s settled.” I declared loudly and boldly to get everyone’s attention once more.

I guess I am slowly starting to understand why dictators were so influential in the first place. Being loud obviously removes any need for actual governing knowledge or skills in order to succeed. Just be loud and bold and you will lead millions to die for your own selfish needs. From either war, famine, or personal mass murder.

Politicians, the worst psychos and sociopaths of all time. Take those drug traffickers, slave traders and child molesters out of jail, and replace them with past, present, and future politicians. Cause those are the true criminals.

Like me… for again wasting everyone’s precious time of their limited lives. Especially mister old-timer over here.

“Let's go out there and scout out the lands for any shady characters and capture them for interrogations. One of them surely must know who or what does what and where within these lands that are counted as illegal. Foreigners or no foreigners, and if their info stays true, then we might actually also have a plausible lead as to what might have truly happened to both your son and Tenojek’s daughter here. One way or another.” I announced loudly.

Though to my surprise, Solum actually shook his head at my offers which was truly a first. Usually people around me always automatically agree to whatever crazy shit or silly plan I come up with. So having someone doing the unthinkable was… impressive.

But whatever. Better listen to what this Solomon rip-off has to say before I once again drift off into my own consciousness.

“You think I haven’t thought of that before? Every time I send my scouts out there to comb through the lands around us and even those further south, they always come back with zero leads and even some rather… aggressive confrontations with some Riders, which originally made me think that perhaps that hot head to the south had something to do with the disappearance of my son. But again… after having heard your story it seems that my assumption were false. Though I am still quite prepared to hold Tenojek accounted for them. He should have a much better hold over his territory to prevent incidents such as these. Egotistic, bold and blind to his own lands as well. I don’t know how he even got the position of chieftain of his tribe to be honest.” Solum complained in the end, giving me more examples as to how deep the rift between the two truly must be.

These two would have surely gone to war with one another if I haven’t suddenly showed up the way I did to add a little bit of my own personal spice into this to force them to take a breather. Have some water, or even milk to quench the burns inside their mouths.

And no I am not talking about THAT kind of spice. Get your filthy fetish-filled minds out of the gutters. It isn’t healthy and not insane enough, just disgusting in most instances.

But either way, I wasn’t going to give up just yet to have my way in this petty feud and then claim all the credit in the end if all of it works out.

Because nothing says “I am truly worthy of your allegiance” than to be fully responsible for solving a dispute peacefully.

I was not going to let this sit. “Well, still. I think the way you did it was probably a bit to obvious for anyone to take the bait. I would guess those search parties you send out where most likely made out of large scouting teams armed to the teeth. If that is the case then getting any from of results is certainly going to be a slog. I mean, who in their right mind is going to confront a heavily armed and well-trained team of warriors? Certainly not a band of mischievous raiders or outlaws, that’s for sure. They are desperate, but certainly not stupid.” I stated, doing my usual guessing and theory throwing.

Though judging by his silence I guess I was right. Though he still responded with a raised eyebrow at my statement; something that is rather typical for these Zebras to do whenever I open my mouth.

I am the great eyebrow-raiser from planet Earth. A title I should probably add to my name, just to make sure that visiting dignitaries know what they are walking into. Or… maybe not. I like the element of surprise after all and keeping my potential enemies on their toes if they even have any.

In this world, you never know.

“Oh… then may I ask if you have any better ideas? Sending my scouts out all alone with very little gear is something I am not to fond in doing, even in the most dire of circumstances. It is my job to keep them safe and alive, after all.” Solum asked, which I guess was kinda predictable given the topic.

“Well yes...” I began while raising a finger. “I shall go, and I will only take a few of my most trusted guards with me with only their swords, and a really large umbrella. Say what you want about this plan, but I am of course not stupid enough to go out there with the sun burning through thinly woven shirt. I am daring, but not retarded.” I announced, with great confidence and a lot of self beatings in order to keep the more rational site of my mind to shut up.

I will admit, this concept of mine was fairly stupid. Even dangerous to some extent if something is out there that goes grabby-grabby on lonely people’s asses.

But hey, who I am to constantly preach madness or insanity without doing something completely stupid for once? Stupidity is on what society is build on. It takes the really stupid ideas to fail in order for the good once to take their place.

Sacrifices is the key word here. And I am fully prepared to make this stupid sacrifice so that others don’t steal the spotlight from me as the “Best King of the Month” awards.

I am sure that such a contest exists somewhere in the stupidly expensive fabric of the multiverse. You just gotta look far enough through the looking glass in order to find wonderland where such concept are not as crazy as one might think.

But whatever. Just like with so many other ideas I’ve come up with. I will just let future Alexander get bitten in the ass while present Alexander continues to feel good about himself for being so heroic… before then turning back into a villain at the next day.

I need to balance my Karma after all. Similar how a gray Jedi balances the light side and the dark side of the force. True patriots of “fuck the rules” of the emo-oriented Sith and the robot monk Jedi.

But I’m just getting off topic again so I better stop. Better bring this plan into action now before I can have second thoughts. I feel confident however as I have a living flamethrower and blood bender with me. Though on second thought, taking Penelope with me would be seen as irresponsible. So I better leave her here with someone to lighten my load. Plus, to also prevent myself to running bare skin around a sun-battered wasteland.

I like to keep myself protected as much as I can, which is why one of my companions is going to carry the parasol for me. If I can find one that is. I kinda left mine back at the city because I had the assumption that it wouldn’t be as unbearably hot down south as it was up north.

I was wrong, dead wrong. A stupid mistake I will surely not make twice to save my life… and my need for a comfortable day outside my room.

See what I mean about how making stupid decisions sometimes is rather necessary? Now I know that I will always bring my own parasol with me no matter where I go.

But now, I better start asking for one and then inform one of my guards of this little field trip what we are doing and to deny any objections he might offer against this field trip.

Because nothing spells being a boss more than to ignore your employees and do your own thing.

Solum of course was not so convinced about this plan, as expected. Though he surprisingly didn’t say much… or rather, nothing at all while I was busy with my own thoughts running loose inside my subconscious Zoo.

Another first by my usual standards. I’m not sure if I should like it or hate it?

But alas, it might actually be a good thing that he didn’t openly question my rather silly decision of acting as bait. Because now I can just put my plan into action without wasting anymore time.

But one thing first. “Say, do you perhaps have a very large parasol on your possession I might buy or borrow? You know, something to shield myself from the deadly rays of the sun so that I can stay as baby smooth as I do now. It is very important to me… to not sweat.” I asked while rubbing my chin.

It was time to get this investigation on the forefront. One way or another.