Eris sat down at the table, sizing up her opponent. It was wearing the form of a little girl, smiling at her in an insufferable way that suggested there was no possibility of loss. Its legs dangled from the chair it sat in, swinging back and forth.

It spoke in the voice of a great multitude.

“I am pleased to be seated across from a fellow god of chaos. Some of these others are too orderly for my liking.”

She did not respond, instead looking down at the world.

“This is your pawn? Are you sure you can make use of him? He seems to be a bumbling oaf.”

Laughter.

“You underestimate me. That's understandable. Most do, but never twice. I am the Changer of Ways. An oaf was exactly what I needed. And what about your wolf? You allow it to run unleashed. Senmurv may go where you least expect.”

Its voice was irritating, and it was a braggart. Why the theatrics? Why the obvious taunts? Just what kind of game was taking place here anyway?

So it turns out that drinking with an open door is a good way to attract attention. Incidentally, Lily and I were dragged from my room downstairs to where a party was taking place. Even though we had no money, somehow we found ourselves in the middle of a poker game with stacks of chips piling up. At some point, Fair Winds joined us and began a round of drinking songs. I was rather shocked by how bawdy some of the ponies' songs were. To my surprise they looked to me for a tune. Knowing I was in the company of a riverman, I felt the urge to poke some subtle fun at him. I began a rather somber number as opposed to the raucous verses of the others, improvising with the lyrics a bit:

If Fair Winds got the jest, he didn't show it, clapping right along with the others. There were several pegasi on board. Apparently they were on their way to a “Junior Speedsters Reunion.” I immediately demanded that they do the chant. This was met with both a resounding “NO!” and surprise that I knew about that.

Mentally berating myself, I resolved to be more careful about saying things that I should have no knowledge of. Although last time I did wind up getting to travel with a pretty cool pony.

One of the pegasi, a powder blue stallion by the name of Zephyr kept giving me dirty looks. Probably because his sister Sirocco who was sitting beside me, kept giving me naughty looks. She was clearly sloshed. When I returned after taking a bathroom break I sat down on the other side of Lily instead. Sirocco pouted.

Speaking of my companion, the ever dainty Lily was somehow drinking all of us under the table. Even me. Back on earth I had developed a pretty herculean tolerance for booze, and now I was in a body that weighed several hundred pounds of muscle. She even called a couple ponies lightweights! Soon enough everypony at the table had blood in their alcohol systems. It was time to stop before somepony died. Or worse, vomited all over the place. What? The Fancy Free was a damn fine boat.

It was fortunate for everyone on board that I am not an ordinary man. I possess a special ability. A... super power, if you will. Years of naval life have granted me the capacity to wake up from a drunken stupor as if I were sleeping normally. Yes, I know, lesser men lack this awesome power and it is what leaves them vulnerable to such things as dicks being drawn on their faces or being transported to the middle of a pond on an inflatable raft.

Or bears.

Yes, I said fucking bears. I dunno whether it was the beasts' roaring or the ponies screaming that woke me up, all I know is that I was out on the deck in ten seconds flat. There, I beheld the pants-shittingly terrifying sight of a gigantic purple bear composed of stars. But more frightening than that was the fact that it was coming straight towards us. And it looked hungry.

Ponies were running around screaming like chickens with their heads cut off. None of us had even the slightest idea what to do. That was when I saw Lily passed out on the deck. She must have fainted. The ursa major continued to advance towards us as if the boat were a can of potted meat. That was when something inside me just sort of clicked.

(No you don't you big purple fuck!)

To be more accurate, it was fortunate for everyone on board, that I am a complete moron. I leapt onto the bank and started yelling for the beasts attention, thinking that I could maybe lead it away from the others. At first the monster ignored me, going after the greater number of targets. I picked up a rock and threw it as hard as I could. It probably wouldn't even have felt it except that the stone smacked it right in the eye. The beast roared with rage and the chase was on.

I could feel the ground shake with every loping stride it took, and I knew I didn't have long before it caught up with me. I dodged between trees but this only served as a momentary hindrance, as the living constellation knocked over the redwoods like they were weeds. Its hot breath was like gusts of wet, rancid wind at my back.

The bear lunged forward and attempted to swipe me with its massive paw. Thankfully I was a great deal smaller than it was and so I managed to roll out of the way. Acting on total instinct I ran beneath the bear and between its legs, causing it to become confused. It bent its neck down to look beneath itself but I was already exactly where I wanted to be. Knowing that there was only one place I could be safe from its paws I jumped up onto its hind leg and started climbing.

Soon I was right over its tail. The damn thing tried running in circles like a dog. Then it tried to shake me off but I had a strong grip on its fur. Annoyed at something it couldn't eat, the bear decided to go back for the boat. Well, I wasn't having any of that. As the monster approached the vessel I knew exactly what I had to do.

I stuck my horns in its ass. The effect was about what I expected. It yelped in pain and took off running, extremely fast. It was with great difficulty that I managed not to be flung from the behemoth's hide. It smashed through the trees, not caring at all where it was going. Then the inevitable happened: It tripped.

“Oh SHIIIIIIT!” I screamed as the bear started to tumble.

I started scrambling sideways as it fell and by some miraculous bout of luck I wasn't crushed to death, and somehow managed to still be on the bear. Now it was on its back and I was directly between its hind legs. It was then that I discovered that this particular ursa major was male. Exceedingly male. At this point, there was really only one course of action.

I punched it in the nuts.

Immediately afterward, my first thought was:

(Hey, minotaurs can't fly!)

That's right. Minotaurs cannot fly, and yet there I was soaring through the air. The agonized convulsion of the bear had finally managed to fling me off of its body. I promptly crashed into a tree, striking it with the back of my head and blacked out.

When I woke up a couple of ponies from the boat were looking down at me.

“I think he's okay.” Fair Winds said.

I heard a voice calling out to them but couldn't quite make out what it was saying.

“Yeah! We found him!” The captain yelled.

“Thank Princesh Shella... Cellery!” Sirocco slurred.

I got up, trying to clear my groggy head. If I thought the forest before had looked like a disaster, it now looked as if the hand of an angry god had come down with a vengeance. As I surveyed the scene the female pegasus hugged me, quite unexpectedly. How the hell she had even woken up was quite frankly beyond my comprehension.

“You shaved us!” She declared.

After disentangling myself from her drunken embrace the unicorn trotted over with a huge grin on his face.

“Mah boi, you've got no idea what you've done do you? Come here, you have got to see this.”

I followed him along for quite a while through the demolished stretch of woods before we finally came to the edge of a cliff. I looked over the edge and was stunned at what I saw. The forest below was an expanse of petrified trees. The fossilized monstrosities were much larger than the living trees around us. But much more impressive was the bear impaled on one.

Yes folks. I killed an ursa major by punching it in the balls.

When I returned to the boat I found Lily in her cabin, now conscious and crying softly. Well, I couldn't let that stand so I knocked on the door frame and said:

“Bear Exterminator! I heard you have a beary big problem?”

“Fudge!” She shrieked.

Lily jumped off the bed and plowed into me, knocking me on my ass. She pounded on my shoulders with feeble blows.

“I thought you were dead!”

“Oh. Uhm. Sorry?”

At that point she stopped hitting me and looked into my eyes.

“That was the stupidest, most idiotic... bravest thing I've ever heard of.”

Then she kissed me. A lot.

I broke away, certain that my green face was now bright red. Lily looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

“What? The big strong minotaur is embarrassed by a little kiss?”

(LITTLE?! YOU USED TONGUE! I SPECIFICALLY REMEMBER THERE BEING TONGUE!)

“Hey you two. You've got rooms. Use either of them.” An annoyed Zephyr walking down the hall said.

Now we were both embarrassed. Lily got up and retreated into her cabin. She glanced back over her shoulder at me with that look. You know the one. The look that says: “Well?”

Civil war erupted in the Land of The Cranium. The “Used To Be Human, She's A Pony” army squared off against the “Always Preferred Kirk To Picard, Now Obey Your Prime Directive!” faction.

Doesn't take a genius to figure out who won.

Author's Notes:
Second day? There should be an achievement for that. Jack? Knightmare? Eat yer heart out.

MEANWHILE... AT THE HALL OF JUSTICE, A CERTAIN DEITY FINDS AMUSEMENT!